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July 2006 Archives
When You Were Standing Watch, What Were You Watching?
Navy guy #1: Do you have beach shorts?
Gift shop employee: Yeah, over there.
Navy guy #2: This is a small. I think I need a medium.
Navy guy #1: Dude, no. Your dick is small.
--Pensacola Beach, Florida
It Has Its Hands Full Warming the Globe
Beach patrol: Ma'am, I am going to have to ask you to put on your top. This is not a "clothing optional" beach.
Man sitting with topless woman: Leave her alone. She is trying to get a full body tan.
Beach patrol: Sir, I think you are asking quite a bit from the sun.
--Fort Macon, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
When Daddy Did That to Mommy He Was Half-Kidding, Honey
Daughter, holding crab: Oh, daddy, it's so cute. Can I keep it?
Father: No, honey, it's too small.
Daughter: No, daddy, I want it for a pet.
Father: It has to live in the ocean, honey. We have to let it go.
Daughter: But, daddy, I love it. Can't I keep it?
Father: No, baby.
Daughter: Daddy?
Father: Yes, honey?
Daughter: Can I step on it?
--Goleta Beach, California
Why There Should Be a Wall Around New Jersey
Jersey woman, to seagull: Get away, you lazy sonofabitch! Go find your own food! [to friends] Just like Mexicans.
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Dan
Maybe It's Looking to Relocate
Wife: Murray! Cover up! Your business is hanging out of your bathing suit!
Husband, nonplussed: That business closed down years ago.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Larry
What Was L'Oreal Thinking With That 'Memories of the Gym Colour Riche'?
Girl: They should make people wear shoes on the beach.
Fratboy: Why?
Girl: It smells like toes.
Fratboy: It doesn't smell like toes. You're smelling your lipstick.
--Cannon Beach, Oregon
What Do You Think I've Been Training Them For?
Passing local, to little boy feeding seagulls: Hey, you don't want to do that. They'll attack you.
Little boy: Okay. Thank you.
Local walks of earshot.
Little boy: What a bitch.
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sara
In Much the Same Way That the Atmosphere Goes All the Way Through Your Head
Woman: So the water goes all the way around the island?
--Vancouver Island, British Columbia
Overheard by: Molly
Where Does Being a Member of an Obsolete Sub-Culture Rank?
Jock #1: So I heard about this champion high school wrestler on Real Sports who has no legs.
Jock #2: That's awesome. Good for him. I never won a championship in high school.
Punk, walking by: You know what's better then being a state championship wrestler with no legs?
Both jocks: What?
Punk: Having legs!
--Pearl Street, Beach Haven, New Jersey
Overheard by: andrew dean
CSI: Beach Edition
Guy: Okay, first person to find a used condom wins a prize!
--Coney Island Beach, New York
A Cell Phone Is Like a Woman: If It's Not Turned On, It Stays Dry
Wrestler #1: The other day I went in the water, and I forgot my cell phone was in my pocket. It doesn't work anymore.
Wrestler #2: Was it on?
Wrestler #1: Yes.
Wrestler #2: Well, you should have turned it off before you went in!
--The Black Sea
That's My Hand, Honey.
Little girl, pointing to man in Speedo: Mom, what's that?
Mother: That's his swimsuit.
Little girl: No, what's in his swimsuit?
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
In His Prison Locker
Niece: I can't find my underwear!
Uncle: Maybe it's with my wedding ring.
--Rio Del Mar Beach, California
Why It's Better to Eat Vegetables
Girl: What is that?!
Guy, flipping it over: Oh my God. Are those eye sockets?
Girl: Ewww. That's no jellyfish.
Guy: It looks like an alligator head.
Girl: But alligators aren't in salt water. Maybe it got lost?
Guy: Look it has a...spine?
Girl: But a head wouldn't have a-
Woman sitting nearby: -It's a chicken breast. I just threw it out.
Girl and Guy: Oh.
--St. Augustine, Florida
Overheard by: Cristen
I'm Not Sure I Wish to Pursue This Line of Inquiry Until Your Father Arrives
Little kid: Mommy, what are those squishy things that hang by big, round balls?
Mom: Are you talking about jellyfish and tentacles?
Little kid: Yeah, that's it: testicles.
--Huntington Beach, Surf City, California
That's Because They're All Pregnant! (Like Rabbits!)
Tween #1: So, like, what did you eat in Africa?
Tween #2: Like rice and stuff.
Tween #1: Like white rice or brown rice?
Tween #2: White rice.
Tween #1: Like, ew. You can get so fat from that! Oh my God, is that why those Africans in those picture you have, have huge bellies?
Tween #2: You are beyond retarded!
--Second Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time
Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What's on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That's what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn't be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I'd like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don't know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?
--Bayville, New Jersey
Where Is the Khmer Rouge When You Need Them?
Scrabble girl #1: Rasheeon?
Scrabble girl #2: It's "ration."
Scrabble girl #1: I don't think that's a word.
Scrabble girl #2: Come on! You know, like in Cambodia, you get your daily food rations.
Scrabble girl #1: You can't use Cambodian words.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Andrew
Later We'll Eat Out of the Dumpster to Tune Up Our Immune Systems
Girl #1: Do you want to come run with me?
Girl #2: Yeah, just let me finish this cigarette.
Girl #1: Yeah. I think I'll have one, too. It loosens up your lungs.
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Steve
I Was Hoping to Sustain Your Youthful Innocence a Bit Longer. We Hate Black People
Tween girl: Daddy, why aren't there ever any black people at this beach?
Dad: Well, I'm not sure, but I think they don't care for water and the sun.
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Chad
After the Wedding, Daisy Ended Up Outsourcing the Remaining Sexual Activities
Drunk dude: My girlfriend said I could have butt sex with a hooker at the bachelor party if I promised never to bring up butt sex again when I get home.
--Brigantine Beach, New Jersey
It's Good That You Both Are Planning Ahead For Your Futures as Vagrants
Meathead: God, there are an awful lot of bums here.
Ditzy girl: I know. But think about it, being a bum in San Diego is totally smart. It's never cold, and they can just sleep on the beach, and the church around the corner from my house feeds them for free every day. They've got it made!
Meathead: Totally. Being a bum here must rock. If I ever need to, I'm gonna be a bum here.
Ditzy girl: I know. I don't know why people would be bums anywhere else. I mean, how stupid. If you're gonna be homeless, do it in San Diego. Duh.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: American Goods
They Are So Not Talking About the Same Guy
Girl #1: I don't know what it is...I just think...
Girl #2: ...He's too nerdy?
Girl #1: No, but I think he might have herpes.
--Long Beach, California
And Had to Give It to a Guy Named Tyrone
Girl #1: I love Italian men. And black men.
Girl #2: Didn't you date a half black, half Italian man?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: So where's the ring?
Girl #1: He went back to jail.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Genevieve
But Still Cheaper Than an Abortion
Mom: If you drown, I won't save you. Don't you dare get in that water!
Son runs into the ocean
Mom: Son of a bitch. He can't swim, and my suit can't get wet. Do I really have to choose, because this bikini was pretty damn expensive.
--Belle Harbor, Queens, New York
That's What in English We Call 'What a Penis Looks Like in Japan'
Boss: What do you call this finger in English?
Employee: The ring finger.
Boss: Ok, how about this one?
Employee: Uh, hold it right there [takes a picture] That's the middle finger.
Boss: I see. How about the little one?
Translated from the Japanese
--Beach BBQ in Toyama, Japan
Either Way, She Will Grow Up to Be Much Sought After
Mom: What did that lady ask you?
Little girl, wearing "Cerveza With a Smile" shirt: She asked what my shirt said.
Mom: Do you know what it says?
Grandpa: Service with a smile.
--Cedar Point, Ohio
Overheard by: devin the artist
Tequila-Induced Vomit Per Square Inch Didn't Quite Make it Into Fodor's
Girl, to her friend who has just dropped a tortilla: Five second rule!
Friend: I am not eating a fucking tortilla off the floor of Tijuana!
Several bystanders: We're in Rosarito!
--Taco stand, Rosarito, Baja
Especially When You're Screaming, 'I'm Not Gayyyyyyyy!'
Queer: It turns out sleeping with a deaf guy is awesome!
--Penn's Landing, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Chris Newcomer
When He's Being Nice to Me He Puts Out Cigarettes on My Arm
Guy: You look really hot in that bikini.
Girl #1: I'm not really in the mood for flirting today so why don't you just buy me a lemon ice, I'll pretend I like you, and we'll both be on our way.
Guy, as he walks away: Bitch.
Girl #2, walking up to her: Wasn't that your boyfriend?
Girl #1: Yeah. I'm so tired of him being a dick all the time.
Guy comes back with a lemon ice.
--Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Batwon
Why Don't You Just Check the Polygraph?
Stoned girl: It's really windy today. I wonder what it is on the Richter scale?
--Brighton Beach, United Kingdom
Overheard by: Chicken King
At Last, Texas Has Found Its Purpose in the US
Tourist: Hey! You guys musta cleaned up real good after all the hurricanes last year. Everything looks brand new again.
Beach attendant: Excuse me?
Tourist: Yeah, you guys did a better job than all those FEMA guys in New Orleans.
Beach attendant: We didn't get any hurricanes on the West Coast.
Tourist: You must have better levees here then.
Beach attendant: Yeah, we have Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and the rest of California.
--Laguna Beach, California
New Hampshire: The New Jersey of New England
Older woman: You don't remember me, do you?
Young woman: Nope.
Older woman: You lived next door to me when you lived with your aunt in Salem!
Young woman: Salem?
Older woman: Salem, New Hampshire.
Young woman: I don't have an aunt in Salem.
Older woman: Oh, come on, don't you remember?
Young woman: I never lived in New Hampshire. I have lived in Maine my whole life.
Older woman, sarcastically: Yeah...Okay.
--Wells Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Vee-licious
So God Does Play Dice With the Universe!
Girl: He gets so tan!
Guy: I tell you, you look at his hand and you'd think that man was black!
Girl: You know, his mom's husband is black. That's why we tease him about that so much.
Guy: Really? His step-dad is black?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Wouldn't you be pissed?
Girl: Yeah, well, his mom treats him like shit anyway.
Brief pause.
Girl: I'm rethinking the doctor thing.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Yeah, surgeon or oncologist or whatever I become. I wouldn't be able to have a family.
--Rehoboth, Delaware
Overheard by: kristen
Eternal Vigilance Is the Price of Sexy
Teen girl #1: I thought you hated bikinis.
Teen girl #2: I do.
Teen girl #1: Why are you wearing one?
Teen girl #2: Because even though I look fat in it, guys don't look at you if you're in tankinis.
Teen girl #1: But it's okay for them to see your fat.
Teen girl #2: At least this way you look, and if you catch it on time, you just suck in!
--Vineyard Haven, Massachusetts
Overheard by: bikinibabe
It's Never Too Early for Internet Porn
Little boy: Hey! What's your name?
Little girl walking along shore doesn't look at him.
Little boy: Hey! What's your name?!
Little girl looks at boy but continues walking.
Little boy: What's your name?! What's your naaaaame?!
Mother of girl: It's Jade.
Mother whispers to girl and points in boy's direction, but girl continues walking in other direction.
Surfer dude: Yeah, kid, you can only expect more of that as you get older.
--Pomano Beach, Florida
This Old Thing?
Guy wearing "World's Best Dad" shirt: Hey, honey, where's Sadie?
Wife: You're holding Sadie!
--Wakulla Springs, Florida
No, the Question Is Why You Have to Ask What's Wrong With Her
Girl: I've counted more than 70 sparkly purses on the boardwalk tonight. What's wrong with these people?
Guy #1: Every year it's a new beach trend.
Guy #2: You've counted 70 purses? The question is what's wrong with you.
--Ocean City, Maryland
...and He's Living With Jose.
Mom: Stop staring at that woman's chest.
Tween boy: Dad said it's okay to look as long as I don't touch.
Mom: That's why we aren't married anymore.
--Jax Beach, Florida
And This Next Slide Is Me on Mars...
Chinese guy #1, taking picture: It's too bad the American flag is fluttering in the background.
Chinese guy #2, posing for the shot: Don't worry, I'll photoshop it to a Chinese flag on my computer.
Translated from the Chinese.
--Laguna Beach, California
Overheard by: Jackie
Have You Donated Money to War-Torn Soy Sauce Yet?
Asian guy: We should get some fish and chips.
Asian girl: Ooh, I love tartar sauce. It's my favorite continent.
Asian guy: What?
--Steveston Pier, Richmond, British Columbia
JAP Repellant 2K6
Girl: If I use cooking oil, do you think I'll tan twice as fast?
Boy: No, but you'll probably smell like bacon.
--Corolla, Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: Mandy
...We'll Come Down From the Acid
German: We'll see the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and Disneyland. Then on the second day...
--Los Angeles, California
Not New Jersey: In Other Words, 'They're Real'
Woman, talking about a topless sunbather: Is that a man?
Guy: No.
Woman: God, that is so not New Jersey.
--South Beach, Miami
Overheard by: Marty
The New Theme For Bars in Shinjuku
Girl #1: Ew, don't swim in the water.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: 'Cause fish have sex in it. Do you want to swallow fish sperm?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Izzie
No, There Has to Be at Least an Hour of Hijinks and Double Entendre First!
Foreign girl: Hello. I just bought this bike. I need a special instrument to raise the seat. Can you help me?
Guy #1: We might. Do you need a wrench?
Foreign girl: Oh. I don't know...[giggles]
Guy #2: Where are you from?
Foreign girl: Belarus.
Guy #1: Why did you decide to come to the US?
Foreign girl, excitedly: I came for work and pleasure! I work at Subway!
Guy #2: This is so stereotypical teen movie.
Foreign girl: Does that mean you can fix my bike?
Guy #1: Do you wanna come inside and get drunk with us?
--5 Kings Row, Dewey Beach, Delaware
The Way My Lips Sound When I Talk Made Me Think of Them
Girl #1: Oh my gawd, I love your new lips!
Girl #2: I was wondering when you'd notice! I like your flip flops.
--Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Mana
Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Fat Like Me?
Woman #1: Honey, I think I need a bigger size. Somethin' to hold some considerable inches...What did you get?
Woman #2: A twelve.
Woman #1: Ooh, I don't have that many inches.
Woman #2: Bitch.
--Swim Shop, Passagrille, Florida
Because She's Already Too Smart For Cornell
Dad: What grows in the marsh, baby?
Little girl: Marshmallows?
Dad, to mom: You want her to go to what college?
--Tybee Island, Georgia
Overheard by: Sullivan