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August 2006 Archives
Your Pants Say It's Too Late For That
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I don't take off my shoes at the beach.
Baggy-Pants boy #2: How are you going to walk in the water?
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I'll just keep them on. Is there a law that says you have to be barefoot in the ocean?
Baggy-Pants boy #2: No. But there's a law that says if you do that, you're gonna look like a jackass.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lesley
I Did. You Look Fabulous.
Anorexic JAP #1: You look really good in that new swimsuit.
Anorexic JAP #2: I wish I could say the same to you, but you look a little pugdy around the hips.
Anorexic JAP #1: Why don't you just do what I did? Lie.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: JAP
Yes, Honey, I Think She's the One Who Gave Them to Your Father
Little girl: Mommy! What is that?
Mother: Careful, honey, that's a crab.
Little girl: Is that the same thing you said Aunt Kathy had last year?
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Biel
Only If the Wind's Blowing in the Right Direction
Ditz: Do you still tan if you don't lie down?
--Jones Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: the imbiber
But She Knows All the Letters on the Eye Chart
Girl #1: Yeah, so I joined this great club at school. They went to Peru over spring break to give eye exams.
Girl #2: Oh yeah? That's kind of far to go for spring break.
Girl #1: I thought so, too. But it'll be better this year because they're going to South America instead.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
She Ain't a Lady Either
Woman on phone: It's been so long since I have gone out on a date, I think I've forgotten what it feels like to be a woman.
4-Year-Old son, indignantly: You ain't a woman! You're my mother!
--Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Catherine
Without Big Boobs, You're Gonna Need a Lot More Than Water Tricks
Tween girl: Look I can float, and I don't have big boobs!
--Manasquan Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jenn
Let Him Ride (the Waves) on Me?
Underage girl: Oh, my God. Look at that guy. He's so fucking hot.
Bartender, sarcastically: Oooh, nice. Maybe if you show him your boobs, he'll buy you a drink?
Underage girl: You think so?
Mom: No way. You're as flat as a surfboard. If you want that guy to buy you a drink, you'd have to do a lot more than show him your boobs.
--The Seafood Bar, The Breakers, Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: The JAP
Navy Secretary Winter wasn't 100 Percent Sure, Either
Little girl: The Navy's the one with the boats, right?
Mom: I think so. Let's ask that guy over there.
--Naval Academy, Annapolis, Maryland
The Court Reporter Will Read the Witness's Previous Testimony
Girl #1: Do you think before you speak?
Girl #2: Well, sometimes I just run my mouth off and hope what I'm saying is true. But then I figure, if it's not, who's going to call me on it?
Girl #1: So...tell me about what happened last night again?
Girl #2: Wait, what did I tell you? I don't remember if I lied.
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Chel Sea
The San Francisco Lisp More Than Makes Up For Those Cool Accents the Aussies Have
Girl #1: So, I want to move somewhere cool and foreign.
Girl #2: Yeah, that would be great. Where?
Girl #1: I dunno, somewhere like San Francisco or Australia.
Girl #2: That would be so cool.
--Mission Bay, San Diego, California
Now You Know How the Anteater Feels
Guy on cell: All you have to do is suck one cock and they'll call you a cocksucker for the rest of your life.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Harell
Marijuana: The Universal Language
Guatemalan teen, passing American teen on the beach: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Bro, I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Mexican or whatever that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
American teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why didn't you say that the first time?
--Monte Rico, Guatemala
Overheard by: MangoJoe
How Men Learn Not to Confide in Women
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Which Is a Nice Way of Saying There's a Teeny-Tiny Chance He Might Have Murdered Mary Jo Kopechne
Local guy: Ted Kennedy hit my car and just drove off. But, you know, that guy's always been so arrogant.
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
They're Trying to Imagine a Black Dude, Obviously
Queer #1: Charles, look, there's another one. He's white, and the other looks Asian.
Holds up large signs that say "6" and "4," respectively.
Queer #2: Definitely!
Queer #1: Oh, wow. Look at this one. Latino. Yummmm!
Holds up sign that says "9."
Queer #2: Oh, yes. Totally!
Straight girl, walking by: What are you two doing? Comparing guys' looks?
Queer #1: Uhh...
Queer #2: Breeder, please. The Asian guy is a 4, the white guy is a 6, and the Latino guy a 9. What do you think we're trying to imagine?
--Sunset Beach, Florida
Overheard by: MangoJoe
He Should Tell the Girls There's No Such Thing as College
Family man #1: So, all three of your kids will be in college at the same time? That will be expensive.
Family man #2: Yeah, so I hope that they are all talented so they can get scholarships or they are all so dumb that they can't get into college.
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
While She Slept, the Bush Fairy Shaved It Into a Heart Shape
Daughter: You're sticking out, mom.
Mother: What's sticking out?
Daughter: Your pubic hair.
Mother: Is it gray?
Daughter: Um, no, not really.
Mother: I'm gonna take a nap.
--Destin, Florida
Overheard by: Hard not to laugh out loud
She Thinks the War in Iraq Is Just Darling
Woman #1: Oh my goodness, you should see your daughter! It looks like she's been stabbed; it's the cutest thing.
Woman #2: Oh, really?
Woman #1: Yes! She's been eating cherries, and the juice has run all down her front and all over her hands. It looks like she has blood all over her--it's adorable!
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
No, Dumbass, the Animated TV Movie
Girlfriend: It's so beautiful here in Cape Cod. Wasn't David Copperfield set in Cape Cod?
Boyfriend: Wait? You mean like the magician?
--Ferry to Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: JFN
The Traffic Lets Up, But Breathing Becomes Difficult
Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left...Yes, the freeway ends....Because the continent ends, dipshit.
--Hermosa Beach, California
When Freckles Pop Up, It Means You're Done
Girl #1: I get so many freckles in the sun.
Girl #2: Yeah, I am so going to get cancer in 2 years. I have so much sun damage.
Girl #3: Um, actually freckles just mean that your skin is working.
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Jackie
MTV: It's Not Everybody's Cup of Teabag
Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Book Reading Beach Bum
Either Way, That Benicio Del Toro Can Act!
Child: Does that man have an accent?
Mother: He might just be retarded.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Rex
Is He Wearing a Patch or a Kippah?
Guy: So how's Bob?
Girl: He's okay. They went in and found the tumor and took it out. They still need to do a biopsy to see what it is, but they think they got it all.
Guy: Yeah, but how is he?
Girl: He says he's got a big headache.
Guy: Well, yeah, of course he's got a headache!
Girl: Yeah, huh? The guy did just have brain surgery. But you know Bob. He was back in business on Friday, still selling herb, but now he's got a patch on his head. "We gotta get back to normal!"
Guy: That's a New York Jew for you.
Girl: You said it, not me.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Sunny Reiser
Mom's Backup Plan was to Pretend to Drown
Girl: Am I going to have big boobs?
Flat-chested mom: Um, probably not.
Girl: But boys like big boobs!
Flat-chested mom: Only dumb boys do, because only dumb girls have big boobs.
Girl, after thinking for a minute: Grandma has huge ones.
Flat-chested mom: Oooh, look at the pretty birds!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
If You Turn Out to Be Gay
Little boy: I can't believe we went under. I still have that taste in my mouth!
Dad: Get used to it. You'll be tasting that your whole life.
--Horseneck Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kp & Cd
He Needs a 4-Hour Briefing Before She Can Take Him Out of the House
Mom to little boy: Now, don't touch other people's eyeballs.
--St. Simons Island, Georgia
Einstein: Now This Is Relativity!
American beach-goer #1: I wonder if the people here have trouble understanding us sometimes.
American beach-goer #2: Why would they?
American beach-goer #1: Because of our accents.
American beach-goer #2: But we don't have accents.
--Edinburgh, Scotland
I Thought it was Pretty Unequivocal When I Achieved Penetration
Girl: I had this weird dream about anal sex last night. I think it was from when you were joking around when I was bent over the sink before.
Boy: I wasn't joking around.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
And I Think You Owe Me an Apology
Mom to little boy: You do not pee on somebody unless they ask you to!
--Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: mad-the-hatter
Probably Because It's Only a Hundred Miles From Maryland
Girl #1: She wants me to move to Philadelphia after college, because she has family in Pennsylvania and she wants to visit me.
Girl #2: Why would she want you to move to Philadelphia and not Pennsylvania?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
She May Have Gotten His Cell Phone Wet
Woman on cell: No, it wasn't a yeast infection. It's not a fishy smell, and I have cramps. I never get cramps!... Yeah...Maybe that's why he's not calling me back.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Kimmie David
And He Reads at the 37-Year-Old Level
Papi #1: Oh, he's so nice! You know, he's 36, but he doesn't look any older than 34!
Papi #2: That's hot.
Translated from the Spanish
--Miami Beach, Florida
I Am Parko, Almighty Parking Deity. Give Me Your Worldly Goods or Roam the Melting Streets Forever!
Parking lot attendant: Thirty dollars.
Woman: Last time I was here, you charged me five dollars.
Parking lot attendant: I should be charging you the same amount as it is degrees outside. I should be charging you like ninety three dollars.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: arc, mich
Dear Diary: Still Alone. Can't Figure Out Why.
Girl to guy with oddly-shaped swimsuit: What kind of a tan line do you have?
Guy: Get the hell away from me! I don't know you!
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
Venus De Milo Accepted Her Predicament With Customary Good Humor
Chick #1: Why does that hurt your arms but nowhere else?
Chick #2: I dunno. It just does. I have weak arms.
Chick #1: I think you have leukemia...Don't laugh! Leukemia is a horrible disease!
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Oh, That's Just Drowning Girls. Now Get In!
Girl #1: Come on, get in the water.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's nice.
Girl #3: No way! There are sharks!
Girl #1: There aren't any sharks.
Girl #3: Oh yeah? Then why are there so many bubbles?
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
Have You Tried Blackmail?
Girl #1, looking at fake sex pills: You should get him this one: "One Large Dose of Lovin'."
Girl #2: Bitch, it's going to take more than some candy to get him to fuck me!
--Novelty shop, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
Gacy, Manson, the BTK Guy...
6-year-old day camper #1: My favorite is the leopard shark. Is it your favorite, too?
6-year-old day camper #2: Nah, my favorite animals are monsters.
--Birch Aquarium, Scripps Oceanography Institute, La Jolla, California
Overheard by: orly
In Fairness, He Hasn't Fucked the Babysitter Yet
White trash mother to crying infant: Would you stop being such an asshole? Jesus, you're just a selfish bastard like your father.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: girl in bikini pretending to read
At Least They Shower
Ghetto girl: ...And so I broke up with him because he kept getting robbed. He had all these shady friends, ya know? It was like we'd wake up and the television and the shower curtain would be gone.
--Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island
12-Year-Old Boys
Woman #1: Italian men make the best lovers.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: They have lots of stamina. They last longer and their penises are bigger.
Woman #2: What's the opposite of that?
--Wellfleet, Massachusetts
Their Brains Are in a League of Their Own
Movie critic #1: You know that movie, with Tom Hanks, where he plays the drunk baseball player? And the women are the players because the men are gone?
Movie critic #2: Where?
Movie critic #3: To war.
Movie critic #2: So the women played baseball? That wasn't a movie.
Movie critic #1: You know, the movie has that star that's on TV. Bette Davis' daughter.
Movie critic #3: Who?
Debate goes on for several minutes.
Movie critic #1: Wait, it's Geena Davis! She's Betty Davis' daughter! See the resemblence in the eyes?
Movie critic #3: Didn't Betty Davis hate Geena because she was tall?
Movie critic #1: Well, she got the part anyway, didn't she? Geesh, I wish I could remember the name of that movie!
--Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts
You Could Have Had a Friend in Pennsylvania, But Nooo...
Tourist guy: I hate these tourists! They think they're so cool, just coming down for the weekend in their little homes, fucking up the traffic and making parking difficult. Go home!
Local teen: Your license plate says you're from Pennsylvania.
Tourist guy: I rent for the summer. I guess I'm kinda like you, in a sense.
Local teen: Bitch, please.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: beach native
There Are Children Going to Bed Sober in Africa
Husband: Babe, we need to pick up another 12 pack and then go get the kids.
Wife: Finish your beer first.
--Chick's Beach, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
On the Other Hand, You Could Be Wrong
Man #1: What kind of clouds are those?
Man #2: Ambidextrous.
Man #1: Oh, yeah. Ambidextrous.
--Corolla, North Carolina
Overheard by: James
She Claims Her Body Needs These 'Calories' to Survive
Ditz #1: She was drinking a soda, and it wasn't even diet.
Ditz #2: You're fucking kidding me. It wasn't diet?
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: awesome teyie
...So I'm Confident I'll Have a Good Time!
Teenage boy: Well, last time I was here I got arrested...
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: arc
God Lifeguards Summers So He Can Work on His Tan
Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!
--Huntington Beach, California
How Moses Parted the Red Sea
Girl, loudly: I need to pee, but I'm still too close to other people.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: moving away quickly
Anywhere But South Beach, Honey
Kid: Mom, where are we going?
Mom: Just walk straight!
Kid: Where's straight?!
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Gwast
It Isn't in the Bible, So It's Not Real
Girl #1: I didn't break any of the 10 Commandments today 'cause I was on a plane.
Girl #2: What's a plane?
--Malibu, California
So Cancer Is Just Your Body Trying to Get Back to the Womb?
Amateur oncologist: Having a baby? That's like growing a tumor with a brain inside of you.
--Good Harbor Beach, Gloucester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: concerned citizens
Brunettes Have More Fun with Their Brothers
Blonde girl: Oh... I had sex with your brother last night.
Brunette girl: Oh, yeah?
Blonde girl: He has a huge cock.
Brunette girl: Oh my god! I know!
Blonde girl: Too bad he has herpes.
Brunette girl: I know...
--Burlington Beach, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Alrighty.....
They're Not Pregnant -- It's Just the Parasites
Guy: I wouldn't go in the water if I was you.
Girl: Why?
Guy: I think there's something in there that makes you pregnant.
Girl: Why do you say that?
Guy points to large group of pregnant women.
Girl: Oh...
--Coralville Reservoir, Coralville, Iowa
Holy Crap, I Thought I Was in the US!
Girl: What kind of fish is this?
Waitress: Alaskan cod.
Girl: Do ya'll catch that around here?
Waitress: Uh, no. [pointing] That's the Gulf of Mexico.
--Seafood restaurant, Galveston Island, Texas
Actually, She Sold Me for a Much Better Camera Than That
Spanish teen: Yo, mami, how 'bout I take a picture of me and you with that camera?
Preppy chick: How 'bout you're not touching my camera?
Spanish teen: Oh, ouch! I'll let you hold my phone. It's worth lots!
Preppy chick: This camera is probably worth more than you are to your own mother.
--Bayfront Beach, Hamilton, Ontario, Canadia
Pirates 2 Panned by Critics; Deemed Too 'Brainy,' 'Referential'
20-Something girl #1: Yeah, I fell asleep. It was a stupid movie! And that guy with the squid on his face, who was he, Medusa?
20-Something girl #2: You mean Davy Jones?
20-Something girl #1: Yeah. And I was like, what about The Monkees?
20-Something girl #2: There weren't any monkeys.
20-Something girl #1: You're too young to remember the Sixties. Davy Jones was in the Monkees.
20-Something girl #2: Um, Davy Jones the pirate came first. Haven't you ever heard of Davy Jones's locker?
20-Something girl #1: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
--Craigville Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Yeah, Along With Some Weird Pink Money with Birds and Queens on it
Police officer: You're under arrest for underage drinking in public.
American teen: But they're from Canada, officer!
Police officer: Got any marijuana in your purse?
--Sandestin, Florida
Overheard by: proudcanadian
From Cool Uncle to Creepy Uncle in Three Gimlets
Young boy: Your uncle peed on Mikey last night!
--Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California
Just Like Last Night!
Guy, reading back of girl's shirt, which says "It's 5 o'clock somewhere": I love that t-shirt! 5 cocks!
--Cherry Grove, Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: Tom Johnson
As Soon as the Navy Finishes Fitting Them With Cannons
Tourist to lifeguard: Excuse me. Excuse me! When do they release the dolphins?
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Backnarootie
Mom: This Can of Refuse is Called 'Pizza,' Billy. It's a Special Treat!
Little boy: I like pizza!
Older guy: Me too.
Little boy: I eat pizza in a garbage pail!
--Sun & Surf Beach Club, Atlantic Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kristen
She's Already Fast-Forwarded the Kid Through Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and God
Young Boy: Mommy Mommy, they have Nemo in that fish tank!
Mom: Honey, Nemo's dead.
--Antigua, the Caribbean
Overheard by: Ollie
God Often Forgets to Rest on the Seventh Day
Father: Okay okay okay, let's go now.
Tween daughter #1: Why? We have company! Can't we stay?
Father: I have no coverage here. I have calls to make. I have to work. No work, no play, no food, no house, no fun, no beach, no vacation.
Tween daughter #2: No beach?
Father: How do you think this beach got here? My hard work.
--Nauset Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: amazed observer
They Licensed Santa's Technology
Father: No, you can't go in there. There's a bar, and it's over 21.
Little boy standing in front of café stares at father.
Father: Quick, get away from the door before you set off the alarm!
--Duck, Outer Banks, North Carolina
It Was Strange; Their Necks Were Chained Together...
Girl #1: I think more black people are making their way into the North Shore now!
Girl #2: I know! Yesterday I was at the beach, and I saw a couple of them. But they were being led around by some guy...
--Crane's Beach, Ipswich, Massachusetts
The Difference Between Men and Women
Guy: I just gave birth to a beach ball, and my wrist is sore.
Girl: It must work differently for guys.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Frenchie
Ima Bust a Cap in the Damn Space-Time Continuum, Nome Sayin'?
Thug #1: It don't feel like Sunday.
Thug #2: Yo, it don't feel like a day of the week.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: monkeybaba
But Isn't Urine Sterile?
Girl: Can you tell me why you're pissing on the sand?
Guy: We're in Jersey.
Girl: Yeah, so?
Guy: Jersey's dirty. It's your duty as an American to fuckin' keep it that way, bitch.
--Merivale Avenue, Beach Haven, New Jersey
Overheard by: Snow White
Who You Calling a Beach?
Girl #1, shaking off sand: Oh, great, now I'm gonna have to take a shower.
Girl #2: I know, like, what's with all the sand? Ugh, so annoying.
Girl #1: Are you serious? We're at the beach.
Girl #2: Huh?
--Stinson Beach, California
Overheard by: einstein lives!
After Arriving at the Beach on Her Half-Shell, Venus Spent Considerable Time Studying Her Reflection
Little girl to her mother: I spy something pretty!
Teenage girl, looking the mirror: It's me.
--Public restroom, Atlantic Beach, North Carolina
I'll Be Somewhere. I Just Won't Know Where.
Girl: So, yeah, when I get a bit of money together, I'm going to travel around Europe for bit.
Guy: Oh, yeah, really?
Girl: Yeah, I'm probably going to train around the country for a couple of months.
Guy: Oh, so like to India and stuff, yeah?
Girl: Yeah.
--Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Harrison
Ugly Women Have to Strategize. It's a Fact of Life
Three women are standing outside of a bar.
Woman #1: Let's go to Fred's. It's darker in there.
Women #2 and #3 nod in agreement, and they walk to Fred's.
--Avalon, Jersey Shore
Better, I Suppose, Than 'Her Boobs Were Kind of Saggy So She Just Tucked Them Into Her Shorts.'
Woman: Her shorts were kinda baggy so she just tucked them under her boobs.
--Warren Dunes, Michigan
Overheard by: Syd O'Banion
Someone Has Spit Out Their Gum Right Here in the Middle of This Drawing of a Penis!
Little boy, pointing to large drawing of a penis in the sand: Oh my God, that is disgusting. Dad, look, it's disgusting!! Dad, do you know what it is?
Dad: Yes.
Mom walks over.
Mom: What is it?
--Popham Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Fitzy
See? There Goes Story-Time, Down Your Leg.
Mom to young son: You lost all your privileges when you peed in your pants.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Scott
And Driving. I Really Like the Driving. And Yelling.
Guy driving by, yelling out the window: I like sex!!
Same guy driving by a minute later: I like sex!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Once You Understand That, I Will Introduce You to the Inexplicable Wetness of the Dry Suit
Teen boy #1: I swear on my mom, if you just put that on you won't get wet.
Teen boy #2: Then why the fuck is it called a wet suit?
--Cedar Lake, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Are You Coming On to Me?
Daughter, to mom: So how do you know when to just lay there and when to beat them off?
--Ocean Beach, San Diego, California
Detached Redundancies Are For People Under the Age of 20
Tween #1: Ohmigod. It's soooo sandy.
Tween #2: Um, it's a beach.
Random old man: Damn teeny boppers.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: I hate shoobies.
Will I Be Able To Remember You Afterwards?
Guy: Hey, beautiful ladies! My name is Sean. I run a company that increases the number of hits your website gets on search engines. I'm sure I could help you in your line of work What do you do?
Woman: I'm a neurosurgeon.
Guy: Hey, it's good to see that even a brain surgeon has time to head out to the beach. Let me show you how my company can help you get more business.
Woman: I'm sure it can't.
Guy: Well then, how 'bout I just give you my number?
Woman: How about I just give you a lobotomy?
--Nahant Beach, Massachusetts
I Guess Snowballing Is Technically Kissing
Little girl: Do you have a boyfriend?
Older girl: Not right now.
Little girl: Do you kiss guys on the lips?
Older girl: Well...
Little girl: Do you kiss your dad on the lips?
Older girl: Not that I can remember, no.
Little girl: You don't kiss your dad on the lips? I kissed mine on the lips this morning!
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
That's What Sock Drawers Are For
Drinking dude: He was a cool guy until he pissed in the closet.
--Long Beach, New York
She Has No Idea How Awkward Her First Sexual Experience Is Going to Be
Teen girl: I can't believe I'm drunk! I'm drunk! In Italy! I am 17 and drunk. Oh yeah, and I'm with my parents! The first time I'm drunk, in a foreign country, under 21, with you people, and I'm in Italy?
Teen girl's mother: It is better this way. At least you are with people who care.
--Nova Siri, Italy
Overheard by: only other american in the place
Hey, Wasn't That Your Foot?
Stoned surfer #1: Hey, remember that time when that shoe washed up that had a foot in in it?
Stoned surfer #2: Oh, yeah! And that dog got it and was running around with it and wouldn't let anyone have it? That was hilarious.
Stoned surfer #1: Totally.
--Bolinas, California
Overheard by: didn't think it was hilarious then or now
That Depends on How Much They're Willing to Spend Marketing the DVD
Hungover girl: Ahh, I feel like shit.
Less hungover girl: Yeah, I can't believe we did that last night.
Hungover girl: What?...What are you talking about?
Less hungover girl: Cassie...the trampoline?
Hungover girl: Oh my God! Who saw that?!
--Ramsey Beach, Minnesota
Note to National Defense: Big Expenditure and Decorating Faux Pas
Frivolous tourist: What's that?
Earnest tourist: That's an aircraft carrier. San Diego is a big Navy port.
Frivolous tourist: Well, I think it just clutters up the look of the harbor.
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Teresa Minnich
Ask Again, and See Who Answers
Guy: Ouch! This sand is hot.
Girl: Where are your shoes?
Guy: Shoes? You don't wear shoes on the beach. The sand feels too good to wear shoes.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Bill
What'd You Say, Honey? I Was Looking at These Guys in Speedos Over Here.
Tourist wife: Look at their butts. These bikinis are too small...Honey? Did you hear me?
Tourist husband: Huh?
Tourist wife: My point exactly.
--Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
She Doesn't Count Those Pregnancies, Either
Spin-doctor chick: Well, really I've only slept with three guys.
Realistic chick: Ha! It's been way more than that. After your last year in college, you'd have to be up to six.
Spin-doctor chick: Yeah, but two of them were really bad and one was too drunk to finish, so those three don't count.
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: silently smirking
Only the Fantastic Four and the 22nd Amendment Could Keep BJ Billy Out of the White House
Woman in restaurant: I hear Clinton might run again. And there's nothing to stop him!
--King's Beach, Tahoe, Nevada
Overheard by: Spectater
The Real Reason Formula Was Invented
20-Something daughter: Dad! Hurry up and take the picture; mom's pressing her boobs into my back!
Mom: I'm sorry! You suckled from these boobs, you know.
20-Something daughter: Well, clearly I quit for a reason.
Dad: Yeah. Because you were too tired of fighting me for them.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate
Faster Than a Golden Calf. Stronger Than All 12 Plagues...
"Jews for Jesus" guy: You like Superman? Take this pamphlet. Read it with all your friends. It will be story time!
Hands out pamphlet that metaphorically describes Jesus as Superman.
Girl: I didn't realize Jews worshipped Superman.
--Jones Beach, New York
Let's Hope They Keep Trying This Before They Have a Chance to Reproduce
Amateur marine biologist #1: Why are they called jellyfish?
Amateur marine biologist #2: They taste like jelly. Duh.
Amateur marine biologist #1: Blueberry jelly?
Amateur marine biologist #2: I dunno. Taste it.
Amateur marine biologist #1, moments later: Cherry.
--Chesapeake Bay
And I'm Totally Upset That Our Video Debuts on SmutLady.Com Tonight
Girlfriend: Oh my God, I totally look like Paris Hilton.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you're an overtanned, skinny skank.
Girlfriend, excitedly: I know!!
--Shelly Beach, New South Wales, Australia
Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?
Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral...
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven't.
Guy #1: You're a fucking moron.
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut
I'm So Fat and I Haven't Had My Period for Eight Months! I Must Have a Tumor.
Girl: My nipples are so sore! I think they're sunburned.
Nipple-Savvy friend: Is that even possible?
Girl: What else would explain the pain? [Shows nipple]
Nipple-Savvy friend: Maybe your boyfriend shouldn't bite them so hard, yeah?
Girl: He didn't bite them!
Nipple-Savvy friend: I can see the bite marks.
Girl: Oh.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: A beach bookreader
Inside the Dusty Photo Album, He Could Just Make out the Letters B-E-A...
Amateur musicologist: Paul McCartney had a band before Wings?
--Phoenix, Arizona
Next, Grasshopper, You Will Learn to Say the F-Word in Between Syllables
Swedish guy, to French guy: So you're telling me I just paid like 1,000 Euro to go here and find out that some fuckin' frogshagger screwed my girlfriend?
French guy says nothing.
Swedish guy: Hey, that's three words for "intercourse" in one sentence! Personal record!
--Côte d'Azur, France
Overheard by: Another Swede
He's a Full-Time Burnout
Girl with lower standards: I think you should go out with Spook. Yeah, I like him for you.
Girl with higher standards: He's a drug dealer. Why would I want to date a drug dealer?
Girl with lower standards: He's not a drug dealer.
Girl with higher standards: He sells me weed all the time.
Girl with lower standards: That's just his part-time job.
--Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas
Last Night, I Woke Up and He Was Licking My Ass!
Nature's mishap: I can't take off this towel.
Logical friend: Why? You do have something on under that.
Nature's mishap: Well, no.
Logical friend: What?! What happened to your trunks? You didn't lose them in the water, did you?
Nature's mishap: No...they're just gone.
Logical friend, to another guy: I can't keep my eye off of John for one minute, can I, without him doing something stupid?
--Long Beach, New York
I'm Under the Sun.....Now
Women on cell walking down a 2-mile beach: I am right by the water. Where are you?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Antzolino
The Smiths' Early Forays Into Swinging Were Clumsy and Ineffectual
World's best wife: Honey, twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: Huh? No, it's not. It's two-thirty.
World's best wife: I mean twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: I don't get you.
World's best wife: Look straight ahead.
Clueless husband: Why?
World's best wife: Look at the hot chick right in front of you! Look! Look!
Clueless husband: Oh!...Niiice.
--Grand Beach, Manitoba
Oh, Honey, Don't Cry. They Only Eat the Dead Ones.
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls.
--Riis Park, New York
Comrade Gull Repudiates the Bourgeois Notion of Private Property
Boundary-Conscious chick: Oh my God, why is that seagull here? I thought this was a private beach!
--Westhampton Beach, New York
I Fought the Law...and the Fight Was Postponed
Burly guy: One good thing about this trip: at least it ain't Jersey.
Girlfriend: Jersey's not that bad!
Burly guy: Easy for you to say, there's not a warrant out for you there.
--Revere Beach, Revere, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Staying far away from this guy...
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 'Is That on the Table? Why Wasn't I Informed?!'
Big jock: We just need to give America back to the Muslims.
--Barceloneta Beach, Barcelona, Spain
Overheard by: Confesed Passerby
Those Aren't Girls, Sir
American girl #1: Does your boyfriend shave his balls?
American girl #2: I didn't know that men do that.
Nearby British man: Is this what young American girls talk about on their holiday?
--Cassis, France
How Much Less?
Junk jewelry salesman: Come on in here and see our stuff, señorita! We rip you off less!
Overheard by: tee
--Open air market, Tijuana
Insert Vibrating Ring Joke Here
Teen boy, to anorexic teen girl #1: Why do you keep your phone in your thong?
Anorexic teen girl #2: Well, where else is she going to put it? She has no boobs.
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sam
Britney and K-Fed's Baby Takes to the Water
Little boy, floating on his back: Look at me! I'm the slowest boat in life!
--Valley Falls, Vernon, Connecticut
Overheard by: your parents must be so proud
Well, Mary Was, Like, God's Fifth Try
Girl: So, like, that Mary was too nice. I swear, if some angel came down and told me I was pregnant with God's kid, I'd abort it. No immaculate conceptions for me.
--Santa Cruz, California
In Paradise the Garbage Men Will Have Doctorates
30-Something business dude: I've traveled a lot, man, and I've been to Costa Rica, and there are no Indians there. Like, people are educated, and there are people with Master's degrees driving taxi cabs and stuff!
--Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Be-deez nuts
He Looked Good With the Anus Ring
Girl #1: So then I said, "I'll pierce anything I wanna pierce, asshole!" and left.
Girl #2: Good for you. It was a stupid reason to break up with you, anyway.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Liz Burrin
Those Drowning, Helpless Fucks
Lifeguard, walking into parking lot: They can't make me stay here.
--Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island
And Her Dad's Probably One of the Seagulls
White trash 7 year old, chasing seagulls: Varmits! Get away, you varmits!
Man: Does she mean varmints?
Woman: She's from Indiana. That 10 year old next to her who is throwing the shovel at the seagulls is probably her mother.
--Indiana Dunes National Park
Who's Pretty Much Always Pregnant, So It's Like She's Fat, Too
Guy #1: Wow, I guess Michigan is the fattest state.
Guy #2: No way is it the fattest state. Think about Kentucky. An entire town full of fat, ugly chicks, and one Daisy Duke.
Guy #1: Who?
Guy #2: You need to learn more history.
--Lake Michigan
I Hear Sand's a Great Exfoliant!
Guy: Would you like something to wipe off with?
Girl: No, I prefer to be covered in sand and cum.
Guy: Great! Same time tomorrow?
--Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: Miles Highclub
Believing Otherwise, the Chickens Had Sent Him a Stinging Letter
Hippie guy: I'm not against chickens!!...Look, I'm not against chickens.
--North Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Schwab
Things Are So Different Since 9-11
Girl #1: Yeah, so I wore two different colored flip-flops to the mall. It was so humiliating all day, looking like that.
Girl #2: I would've died!
--Ocean Beach, Fire Island, New York
Chinese Kid: 'Phew!'
Awesome mom #1: Yeah, so they were going to adopt this baby from China, but when they saw her she was ugly and they decided not to get her.
Awesome mom #2: Oh, really? That's too bad.
--Ferry Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
Look, Mom, I'll Trade You For the Shot of You With the Pool Boy
A dog is humping a newlywed's leg.
Mother-in-Law: Oh my God, don't move. I have to get a picture of that!
Son-in-Law: Um...
Mother-in-Law: Okay, I've got the camera. Hump away, Curley!
--Lake Superior
They Go to Nude Country Clubs
Naked guy: Do you know why I love going to nude beaches?
Naked chick: Why?
Naked guy: No Republicans.
--Field 5, Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Stila
Wendy's Discovery of Negative Probabilities Won Her That Year's Fields Medal
Woman #1: He's gay, do you really think he has a chance with a straight guy?
Woman #2: Look, we have more of a chance than he does and we have no chance.
--Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: Dawne
Newsflash: Pale, Fat Plague Strikes East Coast!
Girl #1: There are so many pale, fat guys here in Speedos.
Girl #2: It's like they don't care.
Girl #1: I know.
Girl #2: It's so not like this in America.
--Waikiki, Hawaii
I Thought It Was That Everyone's White and Hairy
Girl: Hm. Which way should we sit? Where's the sun?
Guy: Yeah. See, that's what's wrong with East Coast beaches. The sun ends up, like, behind you.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: kev
So That's Why Garfield Is Always So Hungry
Hippie, to the cat he is walking on a leash: Did you eat my pot?
--Ocean Beach, San Diego
Teaching Your Kids to Levitate Via Negative Feedback
Parent: Joshua, no! Don't touch the sand! No! No! No! Put it down! Joshua! Don't touch the sand!
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: gunky
And You Took a Dump in Their Ceremonial Urn
American: Why did she stare at me like that? Is my accent that horrible? Did I say something wrong?
Japanese-American: Your accent isn't that bad. But you made the Japanese "fuck you" gesture with your hands.
--Beach near Tokyo
Maybe Not. He Might Learn About Untraceable Poisons.
Girl: Well, you get like half his money when you divorce!...And he's in med school now. Alls I'm sayin' is you should wait a few years.
--Folly Beach, South Carolina
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