Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
August 2006 Archives
Your Pants Say It's Too Late For That
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I don't take off my shoes at the beach.
Baggy-Pants boy #2: How are you going to walk in the water?
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I'll just keep them on. Is there a law that says you have to be barefoot in the ocean?
Baggy-Pants boy #2: No. But there's a law that says if you do that, you're gonna look like a jackass.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lesley
I Did. You Look Fabulous.
Anorexic JAP #1: You look really good in that new swimsuit.
Anorexic JAP #2: I wish I could say the same to you, but you look a little pugdy around the hips.
Anorexic JAP #1: Why don't you just do what I did? Lie.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: JAP
Yes, Honey, I Think She's the One Who Gave Them to Your Father
Little girl: Mommy! What is that?
Mother: Careful, honey, that's a crab.
Little girl: Is that the same thing you said Aunt Kathy had last year?
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Biel
Only If the Wind's Blowing in the Right Direction
Ditz: Do you still tan if you don't lie down?
--Jones Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: the imbiber
But She Knows All the Letters on the Eye Chart
Girl #1: Yeah, so I joined this great club at school. They went to Peru over spring break to give eye exams.
Girl #2: Oh yeah? That's kind of far to go for spring break.
Girl #1: I thought so, too. But it'll be better this year because they're going to South America instead.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
She Ain't a Lady Either
Woman on phone: It's been so long since I have gone out on a date, I think I've forgotten what it feels like to be a woman.
4-Year-Old son, indignantly: You ain't a woman! You're my mother!
--Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Catherine
Without Big Boobs, You're Gonna Need a Lot More Than Water Tricks
Tween girl: Look I can float, and I don't have big boobs!
--Manasquan Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Jenn
Let Him Ride (the Waves) on Me?
Underage girl: Oh, my God. Look at that guy. He's so fucking hot.
Bartender, sarcastically: Oooh, nice. Maybe if you show him your boobs, he'll buy you a drink?
Underage girl: You think so?
Mom: No way. You're as flat as a surfboard. If you want that guy to buy you a drink, you'd have to do a lot more than show him your boobs.
--The Seafood Bar, The Breakers, Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: The JAP
Navy Secretary Winter wasn't 100 Percent Sure, Either
Little girl: The Navy's the one with the boats, right?
Mom: I think so. Let's ask that guy over there.
--Naval Academy, Annapolis, Maryland
The Court Reporter Will Read the Witness's Previous Testimony
Girl #1: Do you think before you speak?
Girl #2: Well, sometimes I just run my mouth off and hope what I'm saying is true. But then I figure, if it's not, who's going to call me on it?
Girl #1: So...tell me about what happened last night again?
Girl #2: Wait, what did I tell you? I don't remember if I lied.
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Chel Sea
The San Francisco Lisp More Than Makes Up For Those Cool Accents the Aussies Have
Girl #1: So, I want to move somewhere cool and foreign.
Girl #2: Yeah, that would be great. Where?
Girl #1: I dunno, somewhere like San Francisco or Australia.
Girl #2: That would be so cool.
--Mission Bay, San Diego, California
Now You Know How the Anteater Feels
Guy on cell: All you have to do is suck one cock and they'll call you a cocksucker for the rest of your life.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Harell
Marijuana: The Universal Language
Guatemalan teen, passing American teen on the beach: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Bro, I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Mexican or whatever that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
American teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why didn't you say that the first time?
--Monte Rico, Guatemala
Overheard by: MangoJoe
How Men Learn Not to Confide in Women
Old lady #1: He told me he has never lasted more than three minutes with anyone!
Old lady #2: Really?? That poor, poor woman of his. No wonder she got a boob job and bites her nails so much.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Which Is a Nice Way of Saying There's a Teeny-Tiny Chance He Might Have Murdered Mary Jo Kopechne
Local guy: Ted Kennedy hit my car and just drove off. But, you know, that guy's always been so arrogant.
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
They're Trying to Imagine a Black Dude, Obviously
Queer #1: Charles, look, there's another one. He's white, and the other looks Asian.
Holds up large signs that say "6" and "4," respectively.
Queer #2: Definitely!
Queer #1: Oh, wow. Look at this one. Latino. Yummmm!
Holds up sign that says "9."
Queer #2: Oh, yes. Totally!
Straight girl, walking by: What are you two doing? Comparing guys' looks?
Queer #1: Uhh...
Queer #2: Breeder, please. The Asian guy is a 4, the white guy is a 6, and the Latino guy a 9. What do you think we're trying to imagine?
--Sunset Beach, Florida
Overheard by: MangoJoe
He Should Tell the Girls There's No Such Thing as College
Family man #1: So, all three of your kids will be in college at the same time? That will be expensive.
Family man #2: Yeah, so I hope that they are all talented so they can get scholarships or they are all so dumb that they can't get into college.
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
While She Slept, the Bush Fairy Shaved It Into a Heart Shape
Daughter: You're sticking out, mom.
Mother: What's sticking out?
Daughter: Your pubic hair.
Mother: Is it gray?
Daughter: Um, no, not really.
Mother: I'm gonna take a nap.
--Destin, Florida
Overheard by: Hard not to laugh out loud
She Thinks the War in Iraq Is Just Darling
Woman #1: Oh my goodness, you should see your daughter! It looks like she's been stabbed; it's the cutest thing.
Woman #2: Oh, really?
Woman #1: Yes! She's been eating cherries, and the juice has run all down her front and all over her hands. It looks like she has blood all over her--it's adorable!
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
No, Dumbass, the Animated TV Movie
Girlfriend: It's so beautiful here in Cape Cod. Wasn't David Copperfield set in Cape Cod?
Boyfriend: Wait? You mean like the magician?
--Ferry to Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: JFN
The Traffic Lets Up, But Breathing Becomes Difficult
Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left...Yes, the freeway ends....Because the continent ends, dipshit.
--Hermosa Beach, California
When Freckles Pop Up, It Means You're Done
Girl #1: I get so many freckles in the sun.
Girl #2: Yeah, I am so going to get cancer in 2 years. I have so much sun damage.
Girl #3: Um, actually freckles just mean that your skin is working.
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Jackie
MTV: It's Not Everybody's Cup of Teabag
Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Book Reading Beach Bum
Either Way, That Benicio Del Toro Can Act!
Child: Does that man have an accent?
Mother: He might just be retarded.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Rex
Is He Wearing a Patch or a Kippah?
Guy: So how's Bob?
Girl: He's okay. They went in and found the tumor and took it out. They still need to do a biopsy to see what it is, but they think they got it all.
Guy: Yeah, but how is he?
Girl: He says he's got a big headache.
Guy: Well, yeah, of course he's got a headache!
Girl: Yeah, huh? The guy did just have brain surgery. But you know Bob. He was back in business on Friday, still selling herb, but now he's got a patch on his head. "We gotta get back to normal!"
Guy: That's a New York Jew for you.
Girl: You said it, not me.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Sunny Reiser
Mom's Backup Plan was to Pretend to Drown
Girl: Am I going to have big boobs?
Flat-chested mom: Um, probably not.
Girl: But boys like big boobs!
Flat-chested mom: Only dumb boys do, because only dumb girls have big boobs.
Girl, after thinking for a minute: Grandma has huge ones.
Flat-chested mom: Oooh, look at the pretty birds!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
If You Turn Out to Be Gay
Little boy: I can't believe we went under. I still have that taste in my mouth!
Dad: Get used to it. You'll be tasting that your whole life.
--Horseneck Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kp & Cd
He Needs a 4-Hour Briefing Before She Can Take Him Out of the House
Mom to little boy: Now, don't touch other people's eyeballs.
--St. Simons Island, Georgia
Einstein: Now This Is Relativity!
American beach-goer #1: I wonder if the people here have trouble understanding us sometimes.
American beach-goer #2: Why would they?
American beach-goer #1: Because of our accents.
American beach-goer #2: But we don't have accents.
--Edinburgh, Scotland
I Thought it was Pretty Unequivocal When I Achieved Penetration
Girl: I had this weird dream about anal sex last night. I think it was from when you were joking around when I was bent over the sink before.
Boy: I wasn't joking around.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
And I Think You Owe Me an Apology
Mom to little boy: You do not pee on somebody unless they ask you to!
--Ocean Isle Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: mad-the-hatter
Probably Because It's Only a Hundred Miles From Maryland
Girl #1: She wants me to move to Philadelphia after college, because she has family in Pennsylvania and she wants to visit me.
Girl #2: Why would she want you to move to Philadelphia and not Pennsylvania?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
She May Have Gotten His Cell Phone Wet
Woman on cell: No, it wasn't a yeast infection. It's not a fishy smell, and I have cramps. I never get cramps!... Yeah...Maybe that's why he's not calling me back.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Kimmie David
And He Reads at the 37-Year-Old Level
Papi #1: Oh, he's so nice! You know, he's 36, but he doesn't look any older than 34!
Papi #2: That's hot.
Translated from the Spanish
--Miami Beach, Florida
I Am Parko, Almighty Parking Deity. Give Me Your Worldly Goods or Roam the Melting Streets Forever!
Parking lot attendant: Thirty dollars.
Woman: Last time I was here, you charged me five dollars.
Parking lot attendant: I should be charging you the same amount as it is degrees outside. I should be charging you like ninety three dollars.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: arc, mich
Dear Diary: Still Alone. Can't Figure Out Why.
Girl to guy with oddly-shaped swimsuit: What kind of a tan line do you have?
Guy: Get the hell away from me! I don't know you!
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
Venus De Milo Accepted Her Predicament With Customary Good Humor
Chick #1: Why does that hurt your arms but nowhere else?
Chick #2: I dunno. It just does. I have weak arms.
Chick #1: I think you have leukemia...Don't laugh! Leukemia is a horrible disease!
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Oh, That's Just Drowning Girls. Now Get In!
Girl #1: Come on, get in the water.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's nice.
Girl #3: No way! There are sharks!
Girl #1: There aren't any sharks.
Girl #3: Oh yeah? Then why are there so many bubbles?
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
Have You Tried Blackmail?
Girl #1, looking at fake sex pills: You should get him this one: "One Large Dose of Lovin'."
Girl #2: Bitch, it's going to take more than some candy to get him to fuck me!
--Novelty shop, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
Gacy, Manson, the BTK Guy...
6-year-old day camper #1: My favorite is the leopard shark. Is it your favorite, too?
6-year-old day camper #2: Nah, my favorite animals are monsters.
--Birch Aquarium, Scripps Oceanography Institute, La Jolla, California
Overheard by: orly
In Fairness, He Hasn't Fucked the Babysitter Yet
White trash mother to crying infant: Would you stop being such an asshole? Jesus, you're just a selfish bastard like your father.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: girl in bikini pretending to read
At Least They Shower
Ghetto girl: ...And so I broke up with him because he kept getting robbed. He had all these shady friends, ya know? It was like we'd wake up and the television and the shower curtain would be gone.
--Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island
12-Year-Old Boys
Woman #1: Italian men make the best lovers.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: They have lots of stamina. They last longer and their penises are bigger.
Woman #2: What's the opposite of that?
--Wellfleet, Massachusetts
Their Brains Are in a League of Their Own
Movie critic #1: You know that movie, with Tom Hanks, where he plays the drunk baseball player? And the women are the players because the men are gone?
Movie critic #2: Where?
Movie critic #3: To war.
Movie critic #2: So the women played baseball? That wasn't a movie.
Movie critic #1: You know, the movie has that star that's on TV. Bette Davis' daughter.
Movie critic #3: Who?
Debate goes on for several minutes.
Movie critic #1: Wait, it's Geena Davis! She's Betty Davis' daughter! See the resemblence in the eyes?
Movie critic #3: Didn't Betty Davis hate Geena because she was tall?
Movie critic #1: Well, she got the part anyway, didn't she? Geesh, I wish I could remember the name of that movie!
--Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts
You Could Have Had a Friend in Pennsylvania, But Nooo...
Tourist guy: I hate these tourists! They think they're so cool, just coming down for the weekend in their little homes, fucking up the traffic and making parking difficult. Go home!
Local teen: Your license plate says you're from Pennsylvania.
Tourist guy: I rent for the summer. I guess I'm kinda like you, in a sense.
Local teen: Bitch, please.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: beach native
There Are Children Going to Bed Sober in Africa
Husband: Babe, we need to pick up another 12 pack and then go get the kids.
Wife: Finish your beer first.
--Chick's Beach, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
On the Other Hand, You Could Be Wrong
Man #1: What kind of clouds are those?
Man #2: Ambidextrous.
Man #1: Oh, yeah. Ambidextrous.
--Corolla, North Carolina
Overheard by: James
She Claims Her Body Needs These 'Calories' to Survive
Ditz #1: She was drinking a soda, and it wasn't even diet.
Ditz #2: You're fucking kidding me. It wasn't diet?
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: awesome teyie
...So I'm Confident I'll Have a Good Time!
Teenage boy: Well, last time I was here I got arrested...
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: arc
God Lifeguards Summers So He Can Work on His Tan
Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!
--Huntington Beach, California