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September 2006 Archives
You Don't Need Sunblock in There -- It's Dark
Girl, wearing lifeguard swimsuit and applying sunblock: Do my hole... NO! My back hole!
--Sacandaga Lake, New York
Overheard by: sherpa
I Bring Disease, Brutality, and Catholicism Wherever I Go
Trucker: Well, it's a Mercury Sable, but that really doesn't matter. It's essential that you call me El Conquistador.
--Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: Just trying to keep in touch with the rest
Yes, It's Important That They Be Well Educated
Jock: Don't diabetics have to check their pH level?
--Long Beach, New York
If the Rest of It Exhibits the Same Level of Creativity, Then No
Dude #1: You know, that guy we call Ass.
Dude #2: You call the guy Ass? Why?
Dude #1: Because he smells like ass. Do you want to hear the rest of my story or not?
--Plum Island, Massachusetts
Lazy Fat-Asses
Teen girl: Do sea lions swim?
Mom: No, they ride boats.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: just wanted to take a look at SEA LIONS
First They Blow You Up, Then They Patch You Up
Teen: What's Hezbollah?
Dad: Well, it's hard to explain. They're a terrorist paramilitary organization, but they're also a humanitarian social services organization. They're sort of like the Super Wal-Mart of the Middle East.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Social Darwinism: Coming Soon to a Street Near You
Girl #1: Why the hell isn't he going? We have to get someplace too!
Girl #2: It's probably a parent.
Girl #1: Yeah, those parents are always looking out for kids' safety. I am so not going to be one of those parents. And I will never have one of those Please Drive Slowly bullshit signs in my yard.
Girl #2: Yeah, if you don't want me to hit your kid, keep him out of the goddamned street.
--Booth Lake, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Sarah
Doctors Surgically Removed Her Husband
Woman: It wasn't a boob reduction. It was a boob elimination. You know, a man-sectomy.
--Warren Dunes, Lake Michigan
Overheard by: Andrea
Poseidon Kicked His Ass at Grand Theft Auto
Little boy, standing in water: I CHALLENGE YOU, POSEIDON!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Lessons in Tolerance
Vendor: Hey, buy some pizza!
Chick: I don't like bread.
Vendor: Then just eat the cheese!
Chick: I'm lactose-intolerant.
Vendor: Fro-zen yo-gurt!
--Venice Beach, California
It's Not the Content But the Style That Suggests This Kid Has a Future in Musical Theater
Small boy, carrying bag: Fudge! The wonderful joy of fudge!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Makes Sense -- Gold Is $627 an Ounce, But Snow's a Cool Grand
Dude #1: Dude, why on earth do you keep fucking her if you think she's so disgusting? Is her pussy, like, made of gold or something?
Dude #2: No, her pussy's made of cocaine.
--San Francisco, California
Decades of Watching the Weather Channel Has Completely Atrophied Her Weather Sense
Woman: I think I just heard thunder... do you think it's gonna rain soon?
Lifeguard, looking into clear sky: Mmm... yeah. You might want to leave soon. It's probably gonna rain any minute now.
Woman: Oh, OK. Hey, kids! Let's go! It looks like it's gonna rain!
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Marc Wiley
Pfff! I Saw That Show -- It's All 'You Know What the Difference Between Aquatic and Land Mammals Is?'
Tourist lady: Do you know when the dolphin show is?
Lifeguard: Uh, yeah, I think the truck just came with all the dolphins in it... should be in about half an hour.
Tourist lady: Oh, great! Thank you.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
Mob Enforcers Start Training Early
Little boy: Mom, who can I bury in the sand?
Mom: Bury yuh fathuh. Start wit' his mouth.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
There's a Pipe Leading Directly from the Urinal to the Water
Girl: Oh my God! This water is really cold, can you turn the heater up?
Lifeguard, returning from locker room: There you go, it should be better now.
Girl: Hey, this really does feel warmer. Thanks, lifeguard!
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Marc Wiley
Once You Commit to Pretending You're a Dog, All Other Concerns Become Pretty Trivial
Woman: Do you think Otto* will get a complex because everyone always says "good dog" to him?
Man: I don't think he cares.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: downtown
I'll Ask God If We Can Borrow His Wet-Dry Vac
Tourist, walking on boardwalk at high tide: They really have to do something about this water problem.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
Of Course, I Can Go Swimming Only Under Very Special Circumstances, So It's a Tradeoff
Kid: Yo, that chair's sweet! How come you get to sit in that big chair? I wanna get one of them.
Lifeguard: Sorry. I just got here really early this morning before all these good chairs were taken.
--Riis Park, Rockaway, New York
No, It's Actually for Vacationers Who Need a Change of Pace
Teen tourist: Oh my God, there's a high school over there! Wait, does that mean people actually live here? I thought it was just a tourist place. Weird.
--Aruba
And Ladies Refer to It as 'Down Under'
Girl: Mummy, do you have a hairy pee?
Mummy: Make sure you never ask that again, especially when we have guests over for dinner.
--Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: ohgodhaha
Because Then Who Would Guard Our Ice Cream While We Stole New Towels?
Girl: I hope nobody stole our towels while we were stealing ice cream.
--Melbourne Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ali and Livi
David Lynch's Dune: The Director's Cut
Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don't want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
Only Kidding, Pookie - I Love Your Soft Little Vienna Sausage
Salesman: Gringo, gringo. Mexican wrestling mask, Nacho Libre!
Guy: No, dude, sorry. I already bought two today.
Salesman: Señorita, one for you?
Girl: Um, no, thanks.
Salesman: Come on... it will be something different for tonight!
Girl: If I wanted something different, we'd be at the farmacia buying Cialis.
--Puerto Nuevo, Mexico
Mommy Told Her All about the Postman When She was Seven
Guy #1: Nice tie.
Guy #2: Yeah, I got it from a relative.
Little girl: No, you didn't, Daddy. You got it from me.
--White Rock Beach, British Columbia, Canadia
Overheard by: Dan-Mission, B.C.
Muscles Show You've Done Something Today Besides Be Waited On
Aristocrat: Muscles are trashy.
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Spencer
Uh, Because He Did That Porno After High School
Teen girl #1: Why the hell are we here?
Teen girl #2: Because we have nothing better to do.
Teen girl #1: Wait... why didn't we call that guy who did that porno after high school? He'll do us both.
--Ashwaubomay Lake, Ashwaubenon, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Lacy Magnolia
His Girlfriend Has It Mo-We-Fr, Her Sister Tu-Th, and They Alternate Weekends
Dude #1: I wish she would just forgive me already. It's been over a month.
Dude #2: Dude, you went down on her sister!
Dude #1: Well, yeah, exactly. It's like the same pussy, right?
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Beer! Why Didn't I Think of That?
Guy #1: Look at that girl over there! Now if that isn't hot, I don't know what is.
Guy #2: Don't even dream about it! She's at least a nine.
Guy #1: Well, then, I'll just go over and talk to her, and when we start making out, you can cry yourself to sleep.
A guy with a beer walks over and kisses her.
Guy #1: Well played, sir.
--Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York
Actually, There Is a Penis at Home - It's That Thing I Told You Never to Talk to Mommy About
Small girl: I want to see a penis.
Father: What?
Small girl: Mommy said we go to the beach to see lots of penises because there are none at home.
--Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Total Observer
If the Goddess of Love Isn't Bisexual, Who Is?
Girl #1: And that's when I realized that bisexual and aphrodite are the same thing!
Girl #2: You mean hermaphrodite?
Girl #1: Yeah!
Girl #2: You're an idiot.
--Long Beach, New York
You Mean 'Danger' in Your Vagina... And How Did You Know I Called It That?
Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight... that sounds good... I won't do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?
--Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York
If My Slut License Didn't Say I Have To
Guy #1: She told me that she wants to see other people.
Guy #2: You're taking this all the wrong way. Now, you can nail that slut over there and she can't be mad at you when you get back together!
Slut: I would never have you.
--Long Beach, New York
You Put that Soul Back Where You Got It, Young Man!
Little boy #1: You can't do it.
Little boy #2: Yes, I can.
Little boy #1: Fine! Steal my soul.
Little boy #2: Don't underestimate my powers.
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
She Got Some Dead Girl's Old Breast Implants
Waiter to customer: Sir, you just missed her. She looks hotter. She just got a transplant.
--South Padre Island, Texas
The Pink Sombrero was Both a Clue and a Red Herring
Teen girl #1: Was he gay?
Teen girl #2: No, he was Mexican.
--Lavallette, New Jersey
They Have Strong Feelings of Self-Loathing
Teen girl #1: God, I hate when people bring their cell phones to the beach.
Teen girl #2: I have my cell phone at the beach right now.
Teen girl #1: Me too.
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
No, You Should Have Ruled Him Out When I Said Yes to 'Is It a Human Being?'
Teen #1: Is he white?
Teen #2: Yes.
Teen #1: ...Wait, does that count Michael Jackson?
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Nine Months of Hell at Least Earns You Exclusive Kicking Rights
Little girl: Who would kick someone else's kid?!
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
But Don't Tell Him About the Time We Fucked!
Chick #1: You were a complete whore last night.
Chick #2: Look who's talking! Do I have to mention the time you let Derek go down on you?
Chick #1: Bitch! That guy over there can hear you!
Chick #2: So what?
Chick #1: Listen to how you're talking about me and my brother. He's gonna think I'm a complete skank!
Chick #2: I said Derek. He didn't know who the fuck Derek was until you opened your fuckin' mouth.
Chick #1: Uh, yeah, I guess you're right...
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That guy over there
This Must Be Some New Sausage-Eating Technique I'm Unaware Of
Son: These are pretty good.
Dad: Yeah, they're not bad if you soak them in your mouth like sausage.
--Nauset Light Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith
GI Jane Gets Edited For Lifetime
American girl, looking at girl with shaved head: Oh my God, I feel soo bad for her.
American friend #1: 'Cause she has cancer?
American friend #2: Or she's a dyke.
American girl: Either way, it sucks!
--Herzliya Beach, Herzliya, Israel
Christ Returns in the Form of an Idiot, to Test the Compassion of the Modern Beach-Goer
Tourist: Excuse me, are we at the right beach?
Local: Umm...
Tourist: We want to go to the beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.
Local: It's right there.
Tourist: Where?
Local: Why am I talking to you again?
--San Francisco, California
Both... Neither... Whatever Turns You on, Kid
Little boy: Was that lady a 'he' or a 'she'?
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
Predator UAV Designers: 'Eeeexcellent!'
Fat guy: Oh boy, that plane looks just like a seagull. You'd never see it coming! Oh wait, that is a seagull.
--Air show, Lake Michigan
Overheard by: Steve W
It's Actually Her Roommate in a JonBenet Costume
College girl: Stop hitting on the nine-year-old, and let's leave!
--Grand Bend, Ontario, Canadia
That's As Much As I'm Cleared to Tell You At This Juncture
Tourist: Hey, the water is coming up really high.
Local: Yeah, it's definitely a high tide today.
Tourist: How come it does that? I mean, what makes the water come up so high?
Local: Well, let's just say it has a lot to do with the moon.
--Pismo-Oceano Dunes, California
Overheard by: janie
Let's Start With 150 and See What Happens
Old guy on oxygen: So, how many more beers can I have??
--Sandbridge, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
Do You Expect Me to Take This Shit From You?
Male beach-goer #1: Wait, how did I get stuck carrying the poop?
Male beach-goer #2: You didn't.
Male beach-goer #1: Isn't the poop in this bag?
Male beach-goer #2: Ok, yes, technically speaking, you're carrying the poop.
Male beach-goer #1: Oh my God! No one's ever said that to me before.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Poopfactory
Your Grandfather and I Turned Out Okay
Grandmother: So you're not in a fight anymore?
Little boy, hugging little girl: We're gettting married!
Grandmother: But you're cousins.
Little boy: No, I mean when we're older.
Grandmother: But you'll still be...Never mind.
--Ortley Beach, New Jersey
Her Sister Has Always Had an Inflated Opinion of Her
Boy: So you go out a lot?
Girl: Yeah. My sister thinks I'm a druggy, but I'm like, "Sure I take drugs a lot, but that doesn't make me a druggy."
--Beach in Australia
A Place and a Mental Defect
Woman #1: Is that a dead seal in the water?
Woman #2: Are you Canadian or just stupid?
Woman #1: I'm Canadian.
--Key West, Florida
Overheard by: uarerude
But It Comes With a Bag of Chimps
Man: One small monkey bread, please.
Girl: What's a monkey bread?
Man: I have no idea.
--Monkey Bread Café, Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kristin
He Said He wasn't, but It's Hard to Argue with the Coroner
Woman #1: I once saw my neighbor being taken out of his house in a coroner's bag.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Because he was dead.
--Manhattan Beach, California
Want Some Pot?
Camp counselor: Hurry up, or you'll be left behind!
Kid: Then I'd get to stay here. Awesome!
Camp counselor: Frankly, it's my last day, so I really don't care.
--Third Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Bored Beyond the Beach
A Bad Case of Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy
Daughter: Thanks for giving me an aneurysm, Mom.
Mother, under her breath: I wish I'd given you an aneurysm.
Daughter: What?
Mother: Nothing, dear.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cols
Maybe Because the Fiancé Already Had Her Fist in It
20-Something chick #1: So Brad and I went up to the mountains with his friend Greg and Greg's fiancé. Brad and Greg went out to unpack the car, and she and I just started going at it.
30-Something chick #2: You guys were making out?
30-Something chick #1: It was way intense.
30-Something chick #2: Wow.
30-Something chick #1: Then Brad and Greg came back in the house, and Greg started, like, totally freaking out. I mean, he just wasn't, like...feeling my openness!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: gefiltepez
'Cause, If So, It's Totally Your Turn
A black man cuts in line ahead of two anorexic JAPs.
Anorexic JAP #1: Why are we here again?
Anorexic JAP #2: Ugh, I know! This would never happen back in Boca!
Black man: Eat something, you Jewish popsicles!
Anorexic JAP #1: Did he just ask us to give him a blowjob?
--Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Laughing
Because It Likes Bananas?
Little girl: No, no, no. Mommy calls her vagina a monkey.
--St George Island, Florida
Overheard by: say what?
The Age of Consent For Assault and Battery
Little boy: That's a man's weak spot!
Father: I don't care how old he is. If I were you, even if he were 18, I'd punch him!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: em-elia
From The Big Book of Clumsy Pick-Up Lines
Girl #1, approaching girl #2: Um, you should work on your self-esteem more.
Girl #2: What? Who are you?
Girl #1: Take your shorts off. You're gonna get an ugly tan line.
Girl #2: I'm okay with that, thank you.
Girl #1: What do you care if you are fat? Love yourself!
Girl #2: Fuck off! Who asked your opinion? Who are you?
Girl #1: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?
--Topanga State Beach, Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Freaked Out By CA Chicks
What Happens in Maryland Stays in Maryland (Until the Tide Takes It to Delaware)
20-Something woman, walking on the beach with group of people: I'll catch up with you. I have to go to the bathroom.
She proceeds to walk into the ocean.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: I'm not swimming in that
They Seem So Happy...Oh, Wait...
Teen girl #1: Oh, I'm so happy for Candice!* She finally has a normal boyfriend!
Teen girl #2: Oh, that's nice...Wait, is it that 29-year-old E dealer you guys met at that rave in Chilliwack?
Teen girl #1: Yes!
Long pause.
Teen girl #1: Well, it's normal for her, I guess.
--English Bay, Vancouver, British Columbia
A Cool Guy Would Play with His Daughter
Little girl: Daddy! Guess what I am supposed to be!
Dad: You are a crab.
Little girl: Right! Okay, Daddy, now it's your turn.
Dad sits there, talking to his wife.
Little girl: Daddy! You are supposed to be something!
Dad: I am. I am being a cool guy.
--Horseshoe Bay Ferry Terminal, Vancouver, Canadia
What If I Asked to Lick Your Ass?
Buff guy, after ordering an extra "floater" shot on top of his strawberry daiquiri: Is ordering that gay?
Friend: Not any gayer than drinking a daiquiri.
--Newport Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: ThoseGuys
You Have Kids, You Mellow Out
Guy: And something else I've thought about: what happened to God in between the Old and New Testaments? He went from vengeful to merciful. It just doesn't make sense.
Girl: He found God.
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
--Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
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