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October 2006 Archives
If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear Her Brain Going Snap, Crackle, Pop
Chick #1: Hey, have you heard of those Rice Krispie treats? They're awesome. They should so make a cereal out of those or something!
Chick #2: You dumbass, they are cereal!
Chick #1: Oh...
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: i like rice krispies
But Only at First
Short girl: I would make a really awkward stripper.
Taller girl: Ummm... What?
Short girl: No, seriously! Like, think about it -- if I was up there stripping, I would be like half the size of all the other girls... My head would be in the same spot as their, you know... And that's awkward.
--Bayfront, Hamilton, Ontario, Canadia
I Keep Waiting for Them to Slip up and Not Consider Something, Man, but They Never Do!
Stoner #1: Man I love NPR. That All Things Considered shit is so freaking good.
Stoner #2: I know, right? It's like they don't not consider anything.
Stoner #3: Ummm... Yeah, it's exactly like that.
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That little broad
The Sun Finally Finished with That Chick
White muscle head to black muscle head friend: Hey, bro! You got tan! How'd you do that?
--Robert Moses State Park, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Cara
Anyway, All Those Asian Countries Look Alike
Chick #1: So, where are you going for your trip?
Chick #2: Thailand!
Chick #1: Cool! I worked with a guy from Korea once!
Chick #2: Ummm, yeah, that's not the same, really.
Chick #1: It's not? Oh... Things must be different now than from when he lived there.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: American Goods
In Fact, I'll Just Tell People at Yoga Class I Read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Ditz #1: I would love to be a Buddhist.
Ditz #2: Yeah, it's really spiritual.
Ditz #1: Yeah, all the meditating and stuff...
Ditz #2: Yeah...
Ditz #1: ... But not a full Buddhist -- that would be boring.
Ditz #2: Yeah, just do it for the yoga and stuff.
--Jetty Road, Glenelg, Australia
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
That Was the Hottest Thing I've Ever Seen. I Dream about Her Every Night.
Doctor: This woman came into the ER the other day who had cut herself on the forehead, but instead of using a towel or something to stop the bleeding, she wrapped her head up like seven times with duct tape.
Dork: Holy shit! How did you get it off of her?
Doctor: We had to cut it off in little strips. She looked like a Hershey's Kiss.
Dork: What, you mean she was black?
Doctor: Yes!
--Crane Beach, Massachusetts
If the Potential Margin of Error Is More Than 20 Lbs, She Isn't Cute
Carnie kid: Yo, my friend over there thinks you're cute.
Girl: Uh... okay.
Carnie kid: He wants to guess your weight.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: carnie lover
Either That or a Fireman's Ball
Walkie-talkie guy #1: What's going on?! Why are all of the fire trucks going to the north end?
Walkie-talkie guy #2: There was probably some sort of emergency!
--Cape May, New Jersey
He Can Only be Killed with a Graphics Card Through the Heart
Wet teen boy #1, rubbing eyes: My eyes hurt.
Wet teen boy #2: From the salt?
Wet teen boy #1: Nah. I've been outside for two days. They're used to video game light only.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: long time mom
So My Strategy is to Throw Money at It and Run Away as Fast as I Can
Walker #1: So I think I am going to train for the LA marathon.
Walker #2: Really? What's the cause?
Walker #1: Well, it's for AIDS. Not that I have AIDS, nor know anyone who does.
Walker #2: Yeah, well, we all know AIDS is bad.
--Olympic & La Cienega Park, Los Angeles, California
Seventeen is Impressive, Yet Believable. 20 is Just Silly
Boy #1: Are you gonna use your real age or your fake age?
Boy #2: I'm gonna say I'm 20.
Boy #1: Fuck that! I'm saying 17.
Boy #3: I'm so wasted I can hardly ride my bike.
--Foster Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Beach Comber
She Needs to Go to a PFLAG Meeting
Mom hands little boy a hot dog.
Little boy: Oh, thank you, Lord!
Mother: I am not the Lord!
Little Boy: Well, thanks, Mom.
Mother: I hate you.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Sitting nearby, LOLing.
The Fertility Clinic's New Mascot Fails to Resonate with Focus Groups
Hipster chick: That sperm dude is so anal.
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: excellent
This Pick-Up Line Works Better with His Own Sex
Duke guy: Have you read Rebecca?
Duke girl: Of Sunnybrook Farm?
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Girls Have Always Put up with a Lot of Shit from Boys
Guy #1: Dude, but she is so annoying.
Guy #2: Yeah I know what you mean, but what else can you do?
Guy #1: I dunno, dude, but I'm not gonna take a shit on her. That's freaking weird! I'm not into that!
Guy #2: Yeah, I guess.
--Manasquan Inlet Beach, New Jersey
I Don't Know -- Last Night You Said the Same Thing about Vomiting
Girl: We have to start drinking. It's the only thing that will make us feel normal.
--Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Amy
All the Good Indentured Servitude Positions Have Been Outsourced to India
American girl #1: You know what I want to get while I'm here in India? A Sherpa. That would be so cool.
American girl #2: What's a Sherpa?
American girl #1: It's, like, a people endemic to the Himalayas. You can buy one, and they carry your stuff for you.
American girl #2: Oooh, that sounds nice!
--Goa, India
Overheard by: Wish I were Canadian
You'd Still Have a Hard Time Scoring
Anorexic girl: I wish I had AIDS. I hear you lose a lot of weight that way.
--San Francisco, California
Overheard by: so not PC
That's When Atlantic City Empties Its Septic Tanks
Little girl: Mom, the water is cold.
Mom: Well, honey, it's only August. When we come back in September, the water will be much much warmer.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
I Concur! Can You Fathom or Even Credit His Total Aphasia?
Teen #1: So he's like, "nuh uh," and I'm like, "uh huh," and he's like, "nuh uh," and I'm like, "um... uh huh," and he's like, "nuh uh."
Teen #2: No way!
Teen #1: Way.
--Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Translater Please!
And That's How Johnny Cash Got the Idea for 'Delia's Gone'
Little sister: Bury me! Bury me!
Big brother: No, I can't marry you. That'd be disgusting.
Little sister: BURY me!
Big brother: No, no, I can't marry you! Stop it!
Little sister: I said BURY me, stupid!
--Orchard Beach, New York
Overheard by: Anais Borg-Marks
Gidget Goes Commutative
Chick: Fifteen hundred isn't a lot. That's like a thousand... and five hundred.
--Good Harbor Beach, Gloucester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Alexis
Like Douching While Watching Brad Pitt Strip
Girl #1: Great, now we can't go swimming.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: 'Cause it's raining. That'd be, like, double wet.
Girl #2: Oh.
--Ocean Grove Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Alex
In the Ass
Sorority girl: He's fucking GAY! How the fuck am I supposed to fuck a fucking gay guy?!
--Galveston, Texas
That was a Platonic Blow Job
JAP #1: So yeah, Aaron* and Rachel* hooked up last night.
JAP #2: Oh my god! What a fucking slut!
JAP #1: Didn't you and Rachel give Aaron a blow job last week, at the same time?
JAP #2: Yeah, so... Your point?
JAP #1: Oh, nevermind... Just wanted to know what you thought was slutty and what wasn't.
--Boca Beach Club, Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: glad i picked the boca hotel to stay at..
He'll Go Far with Talent Like That
Little boy #1: It's my turn to use the boogie board! Mom said you have to share!
Little boy #2: Oh yeah? Well, too bad, 'cause I'm not gonna share!
Little boy #1: Oh yeah? Well, I just peed in your wetsuit!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: RPLB 2000
Hanging Ten (Inches)
Girl: They look so much bigger when you're on your knees!... Um, I meant the waves.
--Loon Point, Summerland, California
Overheard by: likes big waves
It's the Proverbial 'Place Where the Sun Don't Shine'
Greek man: You are so white! Why are you so white?
Pale girl: I'm from England.
--Stalis, Crete
Overheard by: Another pale girl
His Life Is Largely Virtual, But the Humiliation in Store Is Very Real
Nerd, to blind date: And the best part about this guy is that he's half man, half rat, and he's living in a WOOD ELF society!
--Steak 'n Shake, Palm Beach, Florida
Tie Goes to the Hungriest
Thin little girl: Let me see it! Let me see it!
Fat little girl: No! MY dead fish!
--Lake Erie, Monroe, Michigan
Overheard by: sandra g
The Pause was to Think about It
Teen boy: Yo, you're hot. How old are you?
Girl: Eleven. But I'm turning twelve in three days.
Teen boy: ... Bye.
--Emerald Isle, North Carolina
Can I Play with Them?
Young boy, to buxom woman: Are those balls in your bathing suit?
--Reservoir, Arlington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TC Ledger
Right Next to the Vagel and Cream Cheese
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! I can see...
MILF, rummaging in beach bag: Calm down, sweetie. Take a deep breath and tell me exactly what you see.
Little girl: I can see... your... bagina.
--Penscola Beach, Florida
What Happens Underwater Stays Underwater
Little girl, no longer waist-deep in ocean: Mommy, smell my finger.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
I Have to Tell You, I Don't See a Downside to Any of That
Perv #1: Dude, check out that girl!
Perv #2: Which one?
Perv #1: Over there, in the yellow suit!
Perv #2: What? She can't be more than twelve!
Perv #1: Dude, I would totally do her!
Perv #2: You need help, man. She doesn't even have tits.
Perv #1: I'm not a titty man.
Perv #2: Yeah, well, your boyfriend in prison will be glad to hear that.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Steve
Little Guilty Knowledge There, Bro?
Tween in one-piece: Amber's parents let her wear a bikini.
Dad: But her parents love her.
Teen brother: No, they don't. She's just a 10-year-old slut.
--Lake Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canadia
Overheard by: Jenny
I Admire His Persistence, But I Am Beginning to Chafe
Asian girl: He fell in my hole and won't get out!
--Long Beach, New York
You Mean Emo? Because That's Not Rock
Dude: I'm looking for a rock that represents me.
--Sandy Neck Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Katherine
Somehow That Makes It Much Worse
Tween boy #1: Dude, I'm gonna cleave the beaver.
Tween boy #2: When?
Tween boy #1: Tonight.
Tween boy #2: Sweet. You'll have to tell me how the beaver tastes.
Passerby: Do you even know what a beaver is?
Tween boy #2: Yeah, it's an animal, stupid.
--Beaver Island State Park, Grand Island, New York
God: Who Are You Kidding? I Get This Stuff at Costco
Girl: It's so nice out today. I love natural wind.
--Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Lindsay
Last Summer She Tried to Get Hawaii to Come About
Woman: Excuse me, is that Catalina?
Man: No, Catalina is over there.
Woman: Oh, well, what island is that?
Man: Um, that's a ship.
--Palos Verdes, California
And Beginning to Regret the Decision to Have Children Late in Life
Child: Mommy, how old are you?
Mother: I am forty.
Child: [counting on fingers] Jeez, Mommy, you're running out of numbers.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
No, that was Tokyo -- Tampa is 'Dirty Sanchezes'
Guy #1: Oh, shit, I just realized we're in Tampa!
Guy #2: So?
Guy #1: Tampa!
Guy #2: Oh, bukkake, right?
--St. Petersburg Beach, Florida
In the Same Way That Televangelists Heal
Little boy: Mom, Jewish people are from the desert, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Little boy: So why are they in Miami?
Mom: The beach is like a desert -- with water, though.
Little boy: Oh. What about black people?
Mom: Sweetie, they're just tan. They're all just tan. Now go play. [pause] It's like I'm healing the world.
--Miami, Florida
I Hear That AIDS You in Your Pursuit of Contraception
Guy #1: Eh, to be honest, with as much as I've been laid, I've probably got a kid somewhere.
Guy #2: You need to practice safe sex. Put it in her pooper.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: Walking by in disbelief
Instead, How About 'Beano' or 'Drano'?
Woman: Instead of saying hello, we should say heaveno. Hello gives Satan powers.
--Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: $ue
It's Commentary. And Thank You
Woman: I am talking, and you are farting. That's nice!
--Balmy Beach, Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: nfh
What About the Facial You Can Just Wipe Off?
Tan chick: But if we go to the spa, I don't want them to facial my tan away!
--Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: hb
Oh, Yes, Roger, Never Have I Seen a Bigger Logical Fallacy!
Ugly teen girl: Don't compromise your morals! That's the thing about debate camp. It makes people attractive that you wouldn't normally find attractive.
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: glad I chose soccer camp
Time to Install More RAM
Jock #1: Woah! I am so down for some volleyball!
Jock #2: Bocce ball!
Jock #1: Bocce is huge.
Jock #2: Man, I feel like a kid in a candy store... Yo, I am so into this bocce ball.
Jock #1: Bocce is huge.
--Dr. Gravity's Kite Shop, Harwichport, Massachusetts
Overheard by: jon wazoo
To Prove a Point: It's Polite to Swallow, Miss Fastidious
Skinny girl: Yeah, but why does he always have to spit on me afterwards?
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Overheard by: Grossed Out
I Hoped Your Father Would Tell You About This
Child: Mommy, do the fish come from the ocean or the country club?
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
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