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December 2006 Archives
Problems That Can Be Solved by Beer
Reporter: Hey girls, do you have anything you want to say to the camera?
Drunk girl #1: Hi, mum... I'm not that drunk...
Drunk girl #2: And I'm still a virgin!
--Schoolies Week, Gold Coast, Australia
No, Just My Mom
Dude: Hey, where do you girls go for fun? [They ignore him.] You're just gonna ignore me? Not a 'Fuck you'? Nothing? Bitch!
Chick: You kiss your dick with that mouth?
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
And Not the Exciting Kind
Little girl: What does that sign mean?
Father: That means 'Pedestrians,' sweetie.
Little girl: Are we pedestrians?
Father: Yes, we are.
Little girl: Oh... I thought we were Catholics.
--Beach near Amsterdam, North Holland, Netherlands
Overheard by: Daan
From This Month's Negligent Mother Magazine
20-something trailer park chick: This one time I was napping, and I just let the baby crawl around the house. I woke up 'cause I felt this tug on the blankets, and I look down and she was makin' this choking sound! So I beat on her back, right, and this penny came out. When my husband came home I was like, 'You can't be leavin' change lyin' around the house!' But, you know, I just knew something was wrong. Just the way she was tugging on my blankets and that sound she was making, I just knew. It's that mother-daughter thing, you know?
--Palm Beach Shores, Florida
Overheard by: Ethan
With Really Nice Tits
Guy #1: Dude, dude! Tits.
Guy #2: Where?
Guy #1 motions to a topless sunbather.
Guy #2: Dude. That's a guy.
--Miami, Florida
Liv Tyler: As Long As They Don't Find Out I'm Secretly Asian
Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who's Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he's not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is -- he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
When Couples Get Divorced, It Is Truly the Children Who Suffer
Girl: So, when Daddy said that his girlfriend was coming to stay the night it was a bad thing?
Mother: Yes, dear.
Girl: Does this mean I get two Christmases and two birthdays, like Ashlee?
--Parua Bay, New Zealand
Overheard by: naughtygurl
Think We Should Fly South with the Flock?
Bimbette to friend: Why is it so cold? It's a beach!
Passerby: Yeah, a beach in November... Dipshit.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: dr. obvious
I Didn't Bring Enough for Everyone
Teen girl #1: Are you done yet?
Teen girl #2: Still haven't done it yet... By the way, you might not want to get in the way of the current!
Boy: Gross! She's peeing!
Teen girl #2: Shhh! Everyone can hear you!
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Your Father Couldn't Find My Bottom with Both Hands
Little boy to mom: Don't touch me! Only Daddy can touch me. [Mom picks boy up.] I'm going to make Daddy spank you right on your bottom!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
They Call Themselves the 'Unitarians'
Hippie chick #1: He's doing fantastic.
Hippie chick #2: Really?
Hippie chick #1: Yeah, his family was really worried about him for a while, but he's fine now... He's, like, the leader of some cult in the valley.
Hippie chick #2: Good for him.
--Venice Beach, California
Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'
Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You're on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says 'Come on in.'
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don't. That's what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I'll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You'll forget. Do it now. No one's watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I'm going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.
--Destin, Florida
Now If You Could Just Do Something about the Height of Your Waistband
Old man: Honey, do you feel better now that I've started wearing shorter socks?
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
It Was America's Funniest Home Intercourse
College chick on cell: I'm like, 'Why do I have to have dreams about us breaking up? Why can't I have dreams like I used to... Like when I was fucking Bob Saget?'
--Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
His Wife Split with It
Man on cell: What? What's up with the banana skirt? How come I don't get a banana skirt?
--Waikiki, Honolulu, Hawaii
Hey, You're Hot -- I'm Just Saying You're Skanky
Dude stopping intense make-out: Um, you're not gonna tell anyone about this...
Chick: What?!
Dude: Well, I mean, look at you...
Chick: I'm going to tell your mom about this.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Mik
Unless There's More to the Story?
Daughter to mother: You yell at me for saying 'munted,' 'fucked,' 'wasted,' and 'shafted,' because you say they all mean 'having sex.' So for the love of god, when you tell that story will you stop saying you were 'stiffed' by an old lady?!
--New Zealand
What Happens When You Take Sex Ed in North Carolina
Girl #1: Oh, man! So, for Christmas my dad is letting me get my cartilidge pierced! I'm so excited!
Girl #2: Oh, man, that's so cool! I want to get mine done, too.
Girl #1: Yeah, I'll only ever get my ears pierced. Everything else is so gross and weird.
Girl #3: Yeah, well, I have my clit pierced -- do you think that's weird?
Girl #2: What's a clit?
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Google: You'll Need Us to Describe How Good We Are
Hot chick: Like, oh my god, Sarah -- just Google 'How an ugly girl can seduce a hot guy.'
Ugly chick: What's so good about Google anyway?
Hot chick: Like, oh my god -- it's like, well... Google!
--Glenelg, Australia
Tonight's Movie: When Harry Punched Sally
Boy: I think what you just said is racism.
Biotech: I'll give you racism, you black bitch.
--Williamstown, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
Insensitive Bastards
Chick #1: Oh my god, look at that Will*! Isn't he hot? He's wearing a sweater, and it's boiling!
Chick #2: Nah, junkies can't feel.
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
Another Round of 'Two Truths and a Lie'
Jersey girl: I never understood the Jersey Shore -- the water is dirty and the streets are trashy.
Dude: Just like the girls here, dirty and trashy.
Jersey girl: Yeah, but at least we have good hair.
--Ocean Grove, New Jersey
What? A Butt's a Butt, Right?
Dude #1, looking at girl's butt: I'd say about a six.
Dude #2: Yeah... Out of a hundred!
Dude #1: Okay, fine. What about her... Eight?
Dude #2: Nah.
Dude #1: Well, what do you think?
Dude #2: That man's about an eight.
Dude #1: Dude...
--Gold Coast, Australia
This Was No Boating Accident!
Lifeguard #1: So, what would you do if somebody came to you with a bat bite?
Lifeguard #2: Ummm... Clean up the wound, I guess.
Lifeguard #1: [Long pause] What would you do for someone with a clown bite?
--Echo Lake, Maine
But You Had a Kid, Mary!
Bitchy friend: ... So then we took a vote, and you're the biggest slut out of all of us.
Girl: But I'm the only virgin.
Bitchy friend: We know.
--Kingston Beach, Washington
And They Say Clothes Make the Man
Queer: He looks so elegant, even when he's not in drag!
--Provincetown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: DJ Oakes
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