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January 2007 Archives
No, Our Mics Picked That Up Fine
Fat guy to wife who's sunbathing on her stomach: Wow. You need to shave -- you got some wild, stray hairs back there.
Wife: Say it louder, asshole.
--Rosemary Beach, Florida
Overheard by: She's still hotter than you, pal
Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?
Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It's a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that's Grandpa.
--Caloundra, Australia
But When That Nasty Cold Passes, Definitely!
Woman: Is there anything we haven't done yet?
Man: I haven't fucked you with an electric toothbrush.
Woman: You're sick.
--Santa Cruz, California
Solomon Islands Tourist: Where Did All This Water Come From?
Tourist, about the tide: Where does all the water go?
--Ogunquit Beach, Ogunquit, Maine
Overheard by: C'mon
I Especially Like the 'Wave' Effect
Woman looking at water: Wow! Did you rake the water? It looks nice!
Lifeguard: Yeah, it took me a long time.
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Willie COol
How that Stinky Guy You Work with Got His Start
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands!
Dirty son: No!
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands, Justin!
Dirty son: [Sticks his hands in the clogged sink.]
Angry mother: Use the fucking soap. You just gave the dog his medicine in his butt.
Dirty son: No way, I already stuck my hands in my mouth.
--In-N-Out Burger, Long Beach, California
Come on, Mary, He Follows You Everywhere Just Like that Damn Lamb Did!
Dude to girlfriend buying him lunch: You know, you could be bangin' if you'd just lose that fat ass!
--North Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Unless It Involves Spirit Fingers...
Pilot on PA: We'll be making our final descent to Oahu International Airport shortly.
Blonde cheerleader: Oh my god! I thought we were going to Honolulu!
9-year-old boy nearby: Honolulu is the city on Oahu, you idiot.
Blonde cheerleader: Oh... Well, how am I supposed to know that?
--Plane to Hawaii
Overheard by: Derek
Gotta Freak Out the Norms Whenever Possible
Group of valley girls, giggling: So you're bisexual, right?
Girl with piercings and multi-colored hair: Ummm... Yeah...?
Group of valley girls: So, what does that mean?!
Girl with piercings and multi-colored hair: Holy shit... Okay, you know what? Go ask your preacher.
--Centennial Beach, British Columbia, Canadia
Overheard by: shutterbug
Einstein on the Beach
Bimbette: You know what I like?
Brother: ...What?
Bimbette: No, I don't know, I was asking. Like, for serious.
--Kiawah Island Resort, Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: hannah
On Landlines, Mostly
Ditzy chick: What are you doing today?
Skater kid: Chillin' like a villain.
Other girl: The '90s called - they want 'Chillin' like a villain' back.
Ditzy chick: How do the '90s call?
--Ventnor, New Jersey
Samuel Beckett Was Tanning Nearby, and the Rest Is History
Old lady at car: Henry, wait for me!
Old man carrying beach chairs half a block ahead of her: Dammit, Agnes, I'm going! I've been waiting for you for 40 years!
--Beach near Naples, Florida
Overheard by: X
NewsFlash: Trio Questioned in Tuna Sandwich Stabbing
Loud girl #1 using knife: Man, this is sharp!
Loud girl #2: Yeah, that's because it's meant to stab people!
Loud girl #2's boyfriend: No, it's not...
--Pensacola Beach, Santa Rosa Island, Florida
Overheard by: pretending to read a research article
Nevermind. How Do You Keep a Turkey in Suspense?
Boy: Hey, Dad, are monkeys fast?
Dad: I guess compared to humans, yes.
Boy: Are cheetahs fast?
Dad: Yes, they are the fastest.
Boy: Are lions fast?
Dad: Yes, very.
Boy: Are bamboozles fast?
Dad: What?
--Trunk Bay, St. John, US Virgin Islands
Overheard by: Sonia
And It's Not Polite to Refer to American Children As 'Shit'
Tween girls: Mami, Mami, we saw shit floating in the water!
Mother: God, the sea is so big, just play somewhere else.
--Ibiza, Spain
Overheard by: thorsten
And Often... and Daily... and at All Hours. Wait....
Dad to buddy's tween daughter: Susie*, can you get me another beer from the cooler?
Susie: Wow, Jerry, you're an alcoholic.
Dad's own tween daughter: My dad is not an alcoholic, he just drinks fast!
--Long Island, New York
I Really Miss That Bleeding Sensation
Old lady #1: You don't see so much sea glass anymore.
Old lady #2: Yeah, people don't litter like they used to.
Old lady #1: That's getting to be a real problem, isn't it?
--Montara Beach, California
Overheard by: comber
Ehhh... about Six Inches
Blonde teen to hot dog vendor: How long are your foot-long hot dogs?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Hungry-Man-on-the-Beach
I'm Rethinking the Joint Custody Arrangement
Mother taking away son's boogie board: Enough, time to leave and go home.
Young son: You don't deserve a child!
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gaby Young
Calm Down, Feminists, He's Just Tara's Plastic Surgeon
Guy to friend: If they're not Tara Reid, I don't want to see their tits.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Follow the Rising Sun until You Can't Breathe
Man looking at the Atlantic: So where's the ocean?
--Cocoa Beach Pier, Florida
Of Course, It Could Just Be Schizophrenia
Dude #1: That cloud over the moon looks like the number three! Dude, that is crazy!
Dude #2: Why is that crazy?
Dude #1: Because that was Dale Earnhardt's number. It's like he's speaking to me!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Overheard by: Gambitgirl
Fabled Lost Lemuria
Woman pointing to fishing pier: Where did that bridge used to lead to?
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lifeguard
Hostel II
Swedish guy: Are you the hippies?
Dreadlock guy: I guess so.
Swedish guy: So, you hippies, do you have the orgies?
Dreadlock girl: Um... We decide that on a hippie by hippie basis.
Swedish guy: Oh, because you say 'Yes,' and I sign up now.
--Queenstown, New Zealand
Overheard by: sue
There Are No Poisonous Cows, Mom
Little boy pointing to portabella mushroom: Mommy, what's that?
Tired mother: It's a mushroom. Someday I'm going to make you a hamburger for dinner, but instead of meat, it's going to have one of those mushrooms in it.
Little boy looking back at mushroom, terrified: Why would you do that?!
--Beachside Produce Plus, Melbourne Beach, Florida
Time to Invest in a Bathtub?
Dude: This beach trip has been so awesome!
Chick: We've been here all week, and you haven't walked down to the beach once.
Dude: Yeah, but it's great to just sit around, drink, and get high.
Chick: You do that at home.
Dude: But I can see the water from the window. At home all I see is the parking lot.
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Hope You're Studying up for Thursday's Dung-Flinging Quiz
Professor to group of girls covered in whitish goo: What happened to you?
Girl #1: Egg sac war.
Girl #2 and Girl #3: Yeah.
Professor: ... Ugh.
Guy: I love this class.
--Fort DeSoto Beach, Florida
Overheard by: There's nothing like lab in the field
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