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April 2007 Archives
Also a Spare Key
Teen boy to friend: Don't trust women -- they have vaginas. It's where they keep all their secrets and lies!
--Coney Island, New York
Wanna Buy a Bloody Knife?
Little boy: My daddy isn't here.
Girl #1: He isn't here? Where is he?
Little boy: In the garbage.
Girl #2: Why is he in the garbage?
Little boy: He is in the garbage.
Girl #1: Why?
Little boy: Because he doesn't like my Skechers.
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: megan
Dolphin: I Prefer Cetecean-Australian, Thanks
Dude: When I was in Florida, there was a dolphin in the water about five feet from me. I never ran so fast in my life.
Chick: Why?
Dude: When something big and black surfaces next to you in the water, you generally start to shit your pants.
--North Burleigh Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Galina
I Clearly Haven't Properly Instilled in You the Virtues of Reverse Cowgirl
Girl #1: Did you hear we're getting the lockers on the bottom row at school next year?
Girl #2: Oh, really? I hope I get someone hot on top of me.
Mother, just tuning in to conversation: What?!
--Williamstown Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
Or Even If He Didn't
JAP #1: Okay, seriously, he is the hottest senior ever.
JAP #2: Hah, yeah he is.
JAP #1: Like, you don't understand -- I would fuck his toe if he asked me to.
--Boca Beach Club, Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: lilly
No, They Fly It in for Pictures
Wet swimmer staring at recently caught shark: Did you catch that here?
--Tybee Island Pier, Savannah, Georgia
Overheard by: Shane
Not Our Sort at All
Preppy guy #1: God, this place totally sucks.
Preppy guy #2: No, it's fine. You just need to embrace your inner boat person.
Preppy guy #1: Jeffy, I think these are motor boat people.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
I Just Have a Feeling for Language
Bimbette #1: I can't believe you're trying to learn Spanish just so you can hook up with that waiter.
Bimbette #2: [Mutters in Spanish.]
Bimbette #1: What are you trying to say?
Bimbette #2: My eyes are brown.
Bimbette #1: You just said my eyes are a Muslim religion!
--Rocky Point, Mexico
Overheard by: oh my
'Do What Thou Wilt,' I Told It
Lady: I am completely at peace with my salad.
--Manteo, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sarah J
And That's All I Know
Little boy from Georgia: My mom says y'all are Yankees.
Little boy from Connecticut: Uh-uh, not me. I'm a Red Sox.
--Pawley's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Big girl from Connecticut
At Least Here in the Restaurant
Guy with thick European accent: What, you don't like my muscles? You want me to wear long-sleeved shirt?
Friend: Uhhh, yes...
--Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: anny
Drugs Create the Illusion You Have Something to Say
Stoned chick: So, whenever I'm stoned, like this stoned, I start a sentence... And then through half the sentence, I finish another sentence I said before, or finish another idea in my head, or just start talking. It's like I forget or something, like, my idea, and it's like I had it all there, and stuff. You know what I mean?
Stoned guy: ... That's retarded.
--St. Petersburg, Florida
There Are So Few Drinking Songs
American #1: This local song, 'Cachaca,' is weird. Isn't that the same word that they use for that booze? That's like having a song just called, like, 'Tequila' or something.
American #2: ... There is a song called 'Tequila.' It was in Pee-wee's Big Adventure.
--Salvador, Brazil
Overheard by: E. Vill. Genius
Or Maybe That's from Watching Sesame Street
Girl: I'm trying to learn some Spanish before we go to Puerto Rico in May.
Guy: I took two years of French in high school, and all I can say is 'Donde esta la biblioteca.'
--Mexican restaurant, Kemah, Texas
Then They Either Starve to Death, or Develop a Taste for Human Flesh
Brooklyn kid pointing to training buoys: What are those big red things floating out there?
Lifeguard: Oh, that's our shark fence.
Brooklyn kid: What?!
Lifeguard: Yeah, that's our electric shark fence. It keeps the sharks out. Unless they were already in when we put it up -- then they are stuck inside.
--New Jersey
She Must Be Who They Have in Mind When They Say 99% Effective
Teen #1 looking down at bikini top: [Sighs] I wish my boobs were bigger. I can't wait until one day when I'm pregnant -- then they'll grow.
Teen #2: Why don't you go on birth control? That made Jen's* and Michelle's* get a whole cup bigger.
Teen #3: Yeah, Kelly's*, too.
Teen #1: Really?! Oh, man! I'm gonna go on birth control and get knocked up. Then they'd be huge!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: CAT
Oh, Right, the Money and the 10-inch Cock
Chick on cell: Yeah, don't you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? Ewww, why am I dating you?
--Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: hannie bananie
Travis Decides to Abandon Vanilla
Tiny mullet kid: Spank the hiney! Spank the hiney!
Surfer passerby: Spank the hiney? Awesome!
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
The Dynamic behind American TV
Bimbette #1: I'm so bored.
Bimbette #2: Me, too.
Bimbette #1: I would eat my own hand just for some fun.
--North Sea, Holland
She Says We Got Married
College girl on cell: Last night? I don't remember what happened last night! All I know is I woke up naked spooning with Claire!
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: The Classy Girls Vacation in Jersey
At the Stupid Human Tricks Semifinals
Man to family: You should have seen her! She was pooping sandcastles!
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: Chris
So Much for the 'Little Black Dress You Can Wear Anywhere'
Angry Texan guy being turned away at door: Pants? Pants? Who brings pants to Mexico?
--Formal restaurant, Cancun, Mexico
Overheard by: sheila
Still, This Is an Improvement on Their Last Appearance
Hoochie to friends: Okay, girls, our goal for this weekend is to not end up on the Internet again.
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Ladle
The Worst Kind of Hagriculture
Hoochie on cell: Calvin? No, that guy is a walking STD farm. I wouldn't fuck him with Paris Hilton's pussy!
--Coney Island, New York
Awww, You're Sweet. No, I'm 30
Little girl: Grandma, you're old!
Grandma: How old do you think I am, sweetie?
Little girl: I dunno... like, 16, or something.
--Wilmington, North Carolina
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