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May 2007 Archives
Say, Did Your Parents Say Anything about When They'd Pay Me?
Babysitter: Hey, do you want to build a sandcastle?
Kid: Yeah! These [feet buried under sand] can be our slave cabins!
Babysitter: Uh, I think it's time we go swimming.
--Folly Beach, Charleston, South Carolina
And You Thought It Was Just Rat Parts
Surfer dude: Dude, you just don't know how long a foot is until you see it in a hot dog.
--Mission Bay Beach, San Diego, California
Child Abuse Is My Anti-Drug
Mom to 10-year-old son after he shakes sandy blanket in her face: You little fucker. I am going to fucking drown you in the ocean!
--Clearwater, Florida
If Nominated I Will Not Run, If Elected I Will Not Serve
Crazy lady: I told you, I don't want to be the goddamn queen of Russia.
--Haystack Rock, Oregon
Overheard by: Luke
Like Dragons?
Girl #1: Rhinos have two horns.
Girl #2: I thought they had one, like a unicorn.
Girl #3: Aren't unicorns extinct?
--Kenai, Alaska
Can You Get That Back in Manhattan, Kids?
Tourist woman: You know, I heard this island is completely surrounded by water all the way around!
--Coco Cay, Bahamas
Overheard by: Shelley
But I Have to Stop at 4 PM because Wapner Comes On
Frat boy: So, you guys are going back to the room? I think I'm gonna stay here a little -- have another beer, then go take a shower. Beer and a shower. That's how I roll.
--Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
Overheard by: That's Not How I Roll
But If You Could, I'd Do It for Five Bucks
Hobo to another: You couldn't pay me to live in LA.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Howard
"Summer Lovin" from Grease, in a Nutshell
Bikini #1: And?
Bikini #2: And what?
Bikini #1: And what happened?
Bikini #2: We had sex.
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Ggary
And Crown Thy Good with Bootyhood from Sea to Shining Sea
Blonde: I just can't believe Justin Timberlake can dance like that!
Black guy: I can. It's 2007 -- brothers are intelligent and white girls got booty.
--Venice Beach, Florida
Overheard by: slamber
Oh, Tommy Lee, They Can See Your Penis from Space
Beach bunny: Oh, honey, your bathing suit is see-through when it gets wet.
Surfer dude: What? Can you see my penis?
Beach bunny: Well...
Surfer dude to nearby sunbathers: Can you see my penis?
--Flagler Beach, Florida
Overheard by: the nearest sunbather
God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
Old black lady finishes pooping and flushes: Oh, thank you, Jesus! [Hums gospel tune.]
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lauren
Unless You're Monty Python
Dude on cell: Falling in love with me and sitting on my face are two completely different things.
--Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Matyis
If You Were to Fill a Hat with Ice Cream...
Blonde: If you could be any flavor of ice cream, what would you be?
Redhead: Um...
Blonde: Well, you are what you eat. You can be monkey fudge!
Redhead: What?!
Blonde: Oh, wait, I mean Chunky Monkey. I'm making fun of your husband!
Redhead: You know, I'm the one drinking here.
Blonde: If you were any hat, what would you be?
Redhead: No.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jenn
I Found That Out the Hard Way
College chick eating chocolate rice pudding: It kinda looks like poop, but it's so yummy!
Drunk girl: Don't eat poop. It's not good for you.
--Majesty of the Seas cruise ship
How the Marsden Family Ended Up Sold into Cambodian White Slavery
Tourist looking across bay: Is that Hawaii?
Passerby: Yeah. There's a boat that comes by every half hour to bring people there.
Tourist: Thanks. Hey, honey! We're going to Hawaii!
--Wharf, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: El Blingo
Reminds Me of That Time I Had That Tommy Lee Dream
Housemate: So, last night I was so high on acid that I thought the whole beach was made of cocaine, and now I can't breathe.
--Brazil
Overheard by: living with morons
We Just Need to Figure Out a Way to Get Government Funding
Biker to biker babe: We could hide a homeless guy between your boobs and he could eat forever.
--Holiday Inn, New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Beeeej
That's Why Jim Beam Has Been on My Training Table for Years
Spring break girl #1, holding cereal: I think I'll have this for breakfast.
Spring break girl #2: I'm having alcohol for breakfast.
Spring break girl #1, putting cereal back: Oooh, good idea!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lsquared
He Said He Would Love Her Always
Guy #1: No. She, like, threw the tampon.
Guy #2: At him?
Guy #1: Yeah, to turn him on.
--St. Augustine, Florida
Is She Full of Antioxidants?
Little boy pointing to black woman: Look, Mom! It's a chocolate lady!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Jane
Just Say Galileo Was a Test-Tube Baby
Boy: Dad, who's more intelligent? The father or the son?
Dad: The father, of course.
Boy: Who invented the telescope?
Dad: Galileo Galilei.
Boy: Why didn't his father?
--Boracay, Philippines
Overheard by: jkcalma
The Exact Moment It All Stops Being about the Kids
Toddler grumpily trudging through the sand: Change my diaper!
--Island Park State Beach, New Jersey
Get It Drunk and It'll Do Both at the Same Time
Passenger: Excuse me, sir, but does that staircase go up or down?
Crew member: Yes.
--Boarding a cruise ship
She Told Me She Got That from a Rough-Trade Escort!
Kid #1: [Inaudible.]
Kid #2: That's the noise your mom made when I punched her in the eye with my dick.
--Beach restroom, Grand Haven, Michigan
A Portrait of the Coach As a Young Man
Eight-year-old boy to valet fetching a car outside a fancy restaurant: You run like an idiot!
Mom: Quiet, dear, he is just a car parking guy.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ashley
A Nice One, for Daddy
Girl throwing rock over her head: Look, Mom! I'm going to build a jail!
--Mentor Headlands Beach, Mentor, Ohio
Overheard by: Pale Kid
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