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June 2007 Archives
But They're Priced Up for the Tourist Trade
Tourist lady looking at photo of sea otter: Oh, you have salt water beavers here?!
Local guy: Yes, we do.
Tourist lady: Do they have a name?
Local guy: Yes, we call them 'snatches.'
Tourist lady: Did you hear that, honey? They have snatches here!
--Schooner's Wharf, Cayucos, California
Overheard by: Local girl
I Know What Kind of Eggs I Want for Breakfast
Drunk girl pointing at pelican: Holy shit -- a fuckin' Pterodactyl!
--Cancun, Mexico
Wore the Old One Out
Knife-scarred muscle man: Naw, man, that's it -- I'm done. I'm just gonna go home and play checkers and hopefully win. If not, I'm gonna play Scrabble and cheat! I just bought a new thesaurus.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: donovan
I Know I Sure Do!
Annoyed dad to crying baby: Do you want to be buried alive or what?!
--Honeymoon Island, Florida
Overheard by: Christa
Absolute Motorpower Corrupts Absolutely
Angry old lady in motorchair: Where the hell have you been?! I've been all over this side of the lake, on the ferry, to the other side and back across here lookin' for you!
Bewildered old man in motorchair: I was over there lookin' for you.
Angry old lady: Whatever! Just come on! [Speeds off.]
Bewildered old man, scared: But wait for me!
--Epcot's International Village, Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: bakerchica
Tomorrow Night It's The Devil in Miss Jones or Nothing
Five-year-old girl to dad humming Lion King theme: Would you please stop singing that song?!
Dad: I can't get it out of my head.
Five-year-old girl: That's the last time you make me watch that movie with you.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: jeff little
Guess How I'd Shift Gears
Guy #1: Okay, dude -- if you could, which one of us would you sleep with?
Queer, looking back and forth, then staring at Guy #2: I have been dreaming of sitting on your face and using your ears as bicycle pedals...
Guy #2: Uh... What?
--Papas and Beer, Ensenada, Mexico
Overheard by: Alcaeus
And Well on Her Way to Ruining Them with Sun Exposure and Heroin
Teen girl: I guess she has nice boobs, but they're almost too nice.
Teen boy: Hey, give her a break. She's only 13.
--Spofford Lake, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Nadia
Hell Is Other People Like You
Dude: Yo, that guy's Asian as hell!
--Nag's Head, North Carolina
Overheard by: alxie
I Miss My Gills, Though
Four-year-old girl: Hey, remember when I used to be afraid of air?
--West River, Brattleboro, Vermont
So I'm Tighter with Radiohead Than with You!
Man on cell: We met at a bar and went on one date... You don't even know me! You haven't even seen my MySpace page!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Greg
If No Elevator Is Available, I'd Like to Be Carried on a Litter
Puerto Rican princess: Hey! Hey, you - Mr. Captain or whatever.
Steward: Yes, ma'am?
Puerto Rican princess: Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?
Steward: Excuse me?
Puerto Rican princess: Where is the elevator that goes to the front of the ship?
Random passenger: Someone throw her overboard now and put her out of my misery.
--Caribbean Cruise, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: also waiting for elevator
You're Welcome to Bring Heidi and the Kids
Drunk dude: Seal! Come drink with us!
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
She's Doing It Again
Dude #1: You know how your girlfriend does that thing with her tongue?
Dude #2: I've talked to her about that.
--St. Augustine, Florida
You Can Take Them Home?
Frat boy to buds: Dude, strippers look a lot different once you get them home.
--Grafton Lakes State Park, New York
I Was Told This Was a Gated Community
Mom: I don't think we can stay at this hotel the whole time.
Daughter: Why? What's wrong? It's not that bad...
Mom: No, there's just so many Mexicans at the pool.
Daughter: We're in Mexico, mother!
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
The Suit Hurts and You're Abusive -- This Is the Best S&M Club Ever
Japanese tourist #1 with wet suit on backwards: Hello!
Local surfer: You speak English?
Japanese tourist #2: Yes, yes!
Local surfer: Good. Get the fuck out of here!
--The Hook, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Chrissy
With What Appears to Be Some Form of Tumor
Young mom pointing to giant plaster camel: Hey, look! A giraffe!
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: Feeling bad for the kid
Tell Me Again Why There's No 13 O'Clock?
Blonde: Hey, what time is it?
Redhead: Real time or pretend time?
Blonde: You told me you changed your phone over already, so just tell me what it says!
Redhead: 4:03.
Blonde: So it's only three o'clock in my head still...
Redhead: I offered to tell you pretend time!
Blonde: But I wanted to do the math myself!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jenn
Perhaps, but What's Your Excuse?
Sketchy salesman: Hey, pretty ladies!
American girls: [Ignore him.]
Sketchy salesman: Stop being so American! That's why you're single!
--Playa del Carmen, Mexico
Overheard by: PlayaChicas
Ah, Nature's Purifiers
Frat boy #1: Dude, look! A sea enema!
Frat boy #2: Dumbass, it's sea a-nenema.
Frat boy #1: Fuck. My bad.
--Sunset Bay, Oregon
Overheard by: Ahkuah Mahn
Or Maybe Curing Parkinson's
Man at parents' 25th wedding anniversary party: Without my parents, I don't know where I'd be today.
Random guest: In a Kleenex!
--Party boat, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Big Larry
Thank Goodness Our Parachute Opened
Queer: ... And when he finished on my ass he said, 'Hold on,' and took a step backward and did a back flip!
--St. Augustine Beach, Florida
Uncle Walter: Hey, I'm the National Average!
Mom to young son sliding down wooden handrail: Charlie! Did someone get a splinter in his butt?
--Melbourne Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sarabeth and Jesse
And Your Personality Sure Isn't Going to Tip the Balance
Mom to three-year-old boy: Don't you run into the ocean. It's cold. If you start drowning, no one is going to want to come in and save you!
--Topsail Island, North Carolina
Overheard by: Eric
You're Old Enough to Know Heroin Goes in the Eyeball!
Mom to kid: Shooting it up my ass?! Not a good idea!
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Laura L. Davis
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