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July 2007 Archives
It's the Waking Up Part That Worries Me
Cyclist to her friend: I've had trouble sleeping ever since I got zapped by lightning.
--Monterey, California
Overheard by: RhiannonStone
Not Until I Can Get Your Rubber Gloves Out of the Diaper Bag
Little boy: Daddy, look what I found in the sand!
Father: Don't touch it. I don't know what it is, but don't touch it.
--Jungle Gym, Coney Island Beach, New York
And Nine Months Later, Hand Towels!
Eight-year-old boy: ... So I whipped out my peanut and had sex with the sheets...
--Near the Steeplechase, Coney Island Beach, New York
Overheard by: beach soccer bum
No Longer My Favorite Sacrament
Dude on cell: I don't think the marriage thing is going to work... Why? Because I'm already married!
--Smith Point, Long Island, New York
Mom, It's Me.
Lady to strangers: Sorry to ask you this, but my sons hate me and won't touch me, so can you put some sunscreen on my back?
--Southern Shores, North Carolina
It's Actually Working Out Pretty Okay
Drunk girl: So, what do you do?
Drunk guy: Honestly? I sell weed. And surf.
--Bar, Long Beach, California
All of Western Medicine Is at Your Disposal
30-ish chick #1: Well, maybe your body is telling you that it's time to have a baby.
30-ish chick #2: Well, maybe I'll just tell my body to shut the fuck up.
--Jones Beach, New York
I've Gone to DefCon 5
Chick: Nothing is getting in my ass!
Dude: Not even a pinky?
Chick: Not even a pinky!
--Huntington Beach, California
I Ran Out of Bag Balm (TM)
Man: I see you've caught the sun a bit!
Fat lady: No, that's just chub-rub.
--Spain
Overheard by: Vertman
Well, Do You Have a Gerbil and a Teeny Tiny Miner's Hat?
Guy on cell, sighing: What are you gonna do, y'know? I mean, besides putting a flashlight in your vagina... Too bad.
--Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: TK
Oaky, with Overtones of Fruit and Tobacco
Chick #1 disappears into bedroom with dude.
Chick #2: Go ahead, bitch, suck his dick. It's sandy and it tastes like me.
--Beach Haven, New Jersey
We Raised Him Free Range
Four-year-old sprays woman with his giant water gun, and doesn't stop after she warns him repeatedly.
Woman: I'm going to talk to his parents! [Stomps to nearby cafe.] Who is responsible for this child?
Parent: Sorry. What did the little fucker do this time?
--Marmaris Beach, Turkey
You Really Get to Know Someone after Five Years of Marriage
Bimbette: I thought he was a paraplegic, but it turned out he was just lazy.
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Patricia
Welcome to I Hops
Teen on phone: Yeah, I'm just getting some breakfast. [To bartender] Can I get a beer?
--Pub, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Islandhopper
Other Than That, Just Vegged Out in My Sweats. Boooring!
Chick #1: So, what happened to you last night?
Chick #2: Um, I died.
--The Coffeehouse, Manteo, North Carolina
If You Cunt Pronounce It Correctly, Keep Your Mouth Shit
Three-year-old girl: I love the bitch!
Mother: Did you just say 'bitch'? You can't say that! It's beach.
Three-year-old girl: Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch!
Mother, exasperated: I can hear you!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jess
The Ball Popped Out of the Scrum
Frat boy: ... And I don't really know what happened! All of a sudden I was in an orgy... And you know what? It wasn't even all that good.
--Pacific Beach, California
How Business Gets Done
Gent #1: I'm having troubles casting for this part.
Gent #2: I know the perfect girl, but she's young. Only 17.
Gent #1: Hmmm... That's too young.
Gent #2: Yeah, but you could fuck her mom.
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Wanker
Holy Shit -- They Can Fly?
Boater #1: Look at all the geese! Will they move out of the way of the boat?
Boater #2: Of course they'll move. They're just like birds.
--Lake Erie, Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Beth
What Isn't Better Naked?
Cute guy, about credit card: Yeah, sorry it's bent. I jumped off the bridge.
Clerk girl: You jumped off the bridge, huh? Yeah, it's better if you do it naked.
--7-Eleven, Manteo, North Carolina
Every Four-Year-Old Knows a Teenager Like This
Four-year-old camper: Do you got a car?
14-year-old counselor: Uh, I can't drive.
Four-year-old camper: So does your mom bring you here?!
14-year-old counselor: Yeah. I mean, I live in El Cerrito.
Four-year-old camper: But does that mean you live with your mom or something? Aren't you in college?!
14-year-old counselor: Well, the truth is my license was revoked after I ran over those aliens. The FBI was angry because they needed to talk to them about the plans for the United States embassy on Mars, but it has to be kept hush-hush since the North Koreans may be on to them.
Four-year-old camper: Ohhh...
--California
Oh, Britney Spears, You Wacky Scamp
Underage girl #1: Yeah, but I'm not going to feel okay using my ID if everyone here is from Ohio. They're going to know it's fake.
Underage girl #2: Shhh... There's people in here.
Underage girl #1: I don't care.
Girl in stall, coming out to wash hands: I know what you guys mean about the Ohio thing. Minivans... I just moved here from New York.
Underage girl #1: Oh?
Girl from stall: I hate it here. I just had a baby. He's three months old, without a father...
Underage girl #2: Oh my god. I'm so sorry...
Girl from stall: Then my dad left us. He left our family after 25 years. He left us all behind.
Underage girl #1: Oh, uh...
Girl from stall: It's alright. Have a nice night.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: Awkward...
Um, Actually, It's Yours
Meathead: I'm sick of drama, and I'm sick of people coming down and crashing at my beach house. It's so annoying when people just use my stuff. Can I have some of your water?
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
My Money's on the One with the Thick Brow
Yuppie #1, trying to take over occupied bonfire: It's okay -- we just have to wait for them to light themselves on fire.
Yuppie #2: Yeah, it's like evolution.
--Dockweiler Beach, California
Tonight's Movie: She Cloned Hitler
Dude on cell: Yeah, but dude, what could she have done that was so bad you had to hit her in the face with a bottle?
--Monmouth Beach, New Jersey
Knowledge Just Interferes with the Wonder of It All
Chick #1: You can see Venezuela on a clear day from here.
Chick #2: Really?! I would love to go to Venezuela -- I hear it's a really nice island.
Chick #1: Um... Island as in South America...?
Chick #2: It's right off of South America, right?
Chick #1: I guess you should have paid attention in geography class.
Chick #2: What does math have to do with it?
--Aruba
Overheard by: Erin from New York
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