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August 2007 Archives
The Important Thing Is That They're Discussing It
Dude #1: ... And the Hamburglar would go to law school.
Dude #2: No, he'd be a photographer.
Dude #1, after long pause: Yeah, you're right.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Mayor McCheese
The Pony Part Is Why He's the Professional
Girlfriend: Jon Coulton does a song like that.
Boyfriend: About making monkey-man hybrids?
Girlfriend: Monkey-pony, actually.
Boyfriend: Well, then, he's my motherfucker.
--St. Augustine, Florida
Don't Be a Dick -- Just Point
Drunk guy: Dude, which way is the beach?!
Sober friend: We're on an island! You figure it out!
--South Padre Island, Texas
I'm Laughing because Real Men Don't Care about Breast Size
Man: What's with the safety pin holding your top together?
Flat-chested girl: Oh, you know, my boobs are just so big that my top busted! [Man bursts out laughing.] Okay, it wasn't that funny...
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: gal in black
There's No Such Direction
Blonde walking on pier: I am not ditzy! Ask me a question.
Brunette: Uh, which way is West?
Blonde: That's a trick question.
--Huntington Beach, California
Go Directly to Hell. Do Not Collect $200
Guy passing huge Jesus statue: I wanna fuck his stigmata.
--Lincoln Avenue, South Beach, Florida
Remember What Happened When You Tried to Do That at the Met?
Mexican tour guide: Virgin women between the ages of 19-24 were sacrificed at the top of the main temple to the sun god--
Bored Brit #1: --What he really means is that all the pretty birds had already been laid so they had to sacrifice the ugly birds for the benefit of the future civilization.
Bored Brit #2: I don't care. All I want to do is run to the top of that little temple, have a fag, and look at the ocean.
--Cancun, Mexico
But I Can Get by in English, As Long As They Speak Slowly
Canadian girl to Americans: Oh my god! You guys speak Canadian? We've been looking for other people who speak Canadian!
American guy: Yup, only Canadian. No American or English. Only Canadian.
Canadian girl: Awesome! Me, too!
--Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
Guy: You're Heinous! This Is a Gun
Girl #1: But you were dancing with that guy...
Girl #2: Which guy?
Girl #1: The guy with the hard-on.
Girl #2: Which one?
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Ladle
Well, It's Nighttime There Now, So I'm Not Sure
Dude: I have a dog at home, too -- it's a golden retriever.
Australian chick: Really? What color is it?
--Boracay Island, Philippines
Overheard by: Kiteboarder
Well, We Don't Have Time for Both
Little boy: I'm hungry.
Mother: Okay, we will eat in a few minutes.
Little boy: I want to cut your arm off!
--Blue Water Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lydia
Naked. Like Now.
Frat boy #1: How did Steve squeeze past the crowd and order drinks so fast?
Frat boy #2: Oh, he takes yoga classes.
--South Beach bar, Miami, Florida
You're Kind of Creeping Me Out
Mom telling young son to hold her hand: I just love you so much I can't let go.
Little boy: You don't have to love me that much.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: local onlooker
Still Think the Media Is to Blame for Obesity and Violence?
Mom: Hey, Jason! I'll give you fiiive dollars if you can catch a seagull!
Kid: So?
Mom: That's like... eight Twinkies! [Kid begins chasing gulls.] Oh, look, he's trying to hit them with rocks!
--South Haven, Michigan
You Always Remember Your Slow Summer Friends
Kid in wave pool, to friend: No, you gotta jump up into the waves. Jump! Jump! No, jump up, not down!
--Splish Splash, Long Island, New York
Cosmo Tip: Your Slutty Friends Can Help You Advertise!
Chick to whispering friend: You shaved down there so he could stick his tongue in you?!
--Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Marg
Grandma's Are Normally Constrained by Twin Haversacks
Teen girl: He saw some girl's boobs.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Were they as big as Grandma's?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: hc
We Should Stop Settling for Prunes
Fat redneck girl: You know what I wanted last night? A plum!
Skinny redneck guy: Me, too! Last night after me and you got in that fight, all I kept thinking about was how I wanted me a big, juicy plum!
--Navarre Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Wendy
The Goldilocks Tale Gets a Strange and Wonderful Retelling
Young boy: This water's too cold for one of my privates!
--Cunningham Falls, Maryland
I Thought That Was an Extension of Your Neck-Fat
Fat black girl running in bikini: Yo, bitch, why you didn't tell me my titty was hangin' out?! Shit!
Innocent, spooked bystander girl: What?!
Fat black girl running in bikini: Never mind, bitch!
--Brighton Beach, New York
Some Carousels Are More Intense Than Others
Girl: I would have stayed on longer, but my swimsuit was on one ankle!
--Madison Lake, Minnesota
Hint: They Move and Have Little Claws
Italian girl: So, um... How do you know if you have crabs?
Frat boy: What?
Italian girl: Well, I'm not sure if I just have another yeast infection or dry skin or something...
Frat boy: Why are you asking me this?
Italian girl: Because we slept together last week and now I itch!
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: jerseygirl
We'll Have to Try One of Those Sporting Goods Stores Like in Commando
Lady exiting 7-Eleven: Honey, they don't have any flamethrowers in there!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Overheard by: matthew
I Was Wondering If I Might Borrow One of Your Mouths?
Middle-aged man: Hi, girls. I was wondering if I could borrow one of your magazines. My wife is really bored and forgot her book. I'll give you a drink in return.
Group of 20-ish girls: No problem. Here's a People mag.
Middle-aged man: Thanks. See ya.
Middle-aged woman walks over laughing and whispers: Girls, my husband is so shy -- I can't believe he actually did that! And do you know what I have to do in return? [Girls stare.] I have to give him a blowjob tonight!
--Sullivan's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Meghan
Though I Often Doubt If They Are Worth It
Native man: This is where Hawaiians come to celebrate a child's first birthday with a luau. All the family comes to have a three-day party by the ocean.
Tourist: How did that get started?
Native man: To protect the babies from the missionaries who loved to eat plump Hawaiian babies.
Tourist, shocked: That wasn't in my tour book.
Native man: It's something we keep quiet to protect the white missionaries.
--Kohala, Hawaii
Overheard by: BLondie
... I Got Better
Beach bunny #1: I totally slept with Brandon last night.
Beach bunny #2: How was it?
Beach bunny #1: Awesome. He was so fucking huge he, like, broke my vagina.
Beach bunny #2: Damn. That's saying a lot.
Beach bunny #1, happily: I know! I'm a total whore!
--Del Mar Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Brandon stole my girlfriend
Dude, Everybody Used to Wear Their Hair Like That
Suburban man #1: What about Sam Adams?
Suburban man #2: Ugh, I hate all Sam Adams beers. I would never touch the stuff.
Suburban man #1: Why?
Suburban man #2: Well, Sam Adams was a gay man. And, well, I believe in gayness, but I just don't think gay people can make beer.
--Lake Waubeeka, Connecticut
Overheard by: Hametuka
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