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September 2007 Archives
I Went Through a Year of That after My Balls Went on Prozac
Girl: Oh my god, the water is so cold! I think my vagina is numb.
Guy: I hate when that happens.
--Grand Haven, Michigan
Overheard by: Lisa
It's the Most Fun I've Had Since Becoming a Grandfather
Dude #1: So yeah, she got pretty pissed 'cause we were eating all her food.
Dude #2: That sucks. She's a bitch.
Dude #1: Yeah, but then we found the peanut butter -- dude, it was like we just struck gold! And then we spread it all over her bookshelf.
Dude #2: Nice!
Dude #1: Yeah, it was awesome.
--Spring Lake, New Jersey
It's Not Channel Ocho?
Man: Honey, I don't think this off-board thing is very safe.
Wife: Why not?
Man: There are so many Mexicans here...
Wife: We're in fuckin' Mexico!
--Mexican cruise
Overheard by: Lydia
I'll Just Go Back to Calling Her Fat
Mother to toddler: Baby, don't cough like that. People are going to think you have TB, and then no one will want to be your friend! [To friend] I probably shouldn't tell her that, should I?
Friend: Probably not. You're going to give her a complex.
Mother: Shit.
--Panama Beach, Florida
I Might Use Nair. We'll See.
Guido hitting on underage girls: I'm gonna go home and shave my tits, and then we're having a house party.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Soon I'll Be Too Tired to Ask My Wife to Jerk Me Off
Middle-aged guy #1: I'm gettin' old, buddy.
Middle-aged guy #2: We're all gettin' old.
Middle-aged guy #1: Yeah, but first I was just gettin' too tired to have sex, so I was jerkin' off a lot. Now I'm too tired to even jerk off.
Middle-aged guy #2: Shut up. You're getting me depressed.
--Boardwalk, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
He Finds You
Kid #1: Mama, have you seen the bad guy?
Mom: Not today.
Kid #1: Is he here?
Mom: I don't think so, no.
Kid #2: Where is he?
Mom: Well, if you don't look for him, you're not gonna find him!
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Jessica B.
Mmm, Freedomlicious!
Teen girl: Why are there feathers, like, all around our blankets?
Teen boy: Because I just ate a fucking bald eagle and enjoyed it.
--Horseneck Beach, Westport, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Bologna Sandwich
Still Think Sex Ed Belongs in the Home?
Dad to child about whale bone on display: They got that from Cape Cod's biggest peregrine falcon monkey. It's one of the teeth.
--Wellfleet Bay Audubon Center, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Anatomist Wannabe
A Very "Special" School
Dad: It's all about the Benjamins?
Son: Who's Benjamin?
Dad: He's the president on the hundred dollar bill. He was the third president of the United States. You'd know that if you were in private school like I was.
--Zuma Beach, Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
Her Friends Call Her "Inconvenient Ruth"
Seven-year-old girl with net, shouting to friend and running to the water: Come on, Meghan! This is a humongous scientific emergency!
--Wellfleet, Massachusetts
... Hello? ... Hello?
Dude on cell: So, how did that thing with the executioner go?
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Russ
The Rest of the Time I Wear a "F*ck Bush" Hat
College guy: Were you in the Airborne?
Guy in wheelchair wearing 'Army Airborne' hat and playing guitar for money: No, but the hat helps on holiday weekends.
--Ocean City, Maryland
I Plan to Ménage à Trois with You
Older sister on cell speakerphone: Are you looking forward to seeing me on Friday?
Little sister: I am!
Older sister: You're probably not looking forward to seeing Mike, though, are you?
Little sister: No, I'm looking forward to seeing him, too.
Mike, though speakerphone: Hah!
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cols
Cher Is My Mom -- This Fall on Lifetime
Teen girl: My ribs are so big!
Mom: You can blame your father for that.
Dad: Your ribs are fine.
Teen girl: They look like a second set of boobs!
Dad: They look fine.
Mom: You know, you can get surgery to have some of them removed.
--Belmar, New Jersey
I Just Said It Would Make Me Happy
Man on cell: Well, I didn't explicitly tell him to kill himself...
--Santa Cruz Boardwalk, California
Oh, That Ought to Narrow It Down
Druggie hipster #1 to friend out of earshot: Hey! Hey, you! Hey! Come here!
Druggie hipster #2: Ugh, what's her name? Come here! Hey!
Black guy passerby: Hey, white bitch!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Audra
I'm Not Taking You to the ER If It Bites You Again
Mom to son as he runs off to play: Don't touch the sand! Don't touch the sand!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Jawdropped
A Safe Projection Based on Past Performance
18-year-old girl #1: I wonder what we'll be like in college...
18-year-old girl #2: I think I'll be a slut.
--Cable Beach, Bahamas
Overheard by: Rachel
Grown-ups Use MySpace
14-year-old skater dude rolling up to two friends hugging: I thought you two broke up... over the phone... like little bitches.
--Hermosa Beach, California
Overheard by: therigo
... And the Losers Will Don Suicide Belts
Bimbette announcer during Miss Hampton Beach pageant: ... And now our auditor will talibate the results...
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Annette
People Who Know This Always Get Stuck with Those Who Deny It
Whiny little boy: Mo-ooom, it's hot!
Mom: Stop that! Whining makes you hot.
--Isle of Palms, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laura and John
Which Is Really Making Me Sick
Concerned passerby: Dude... Are you okay?
Concerned drunk: I appreciate your concern, but you're standing in my puke.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
A Scene That Had to Be Cut from Shrek
Tan chick on towel: So, I was like, 'And what about the donkeys? Like, do they enjoy sex like we do?'
Pale fat chick next to her: I would guess so. I mean, I had a friend who sucked one off one time, so why not?
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: ...what?
Why Most Americans Stay away from the Voting Booth
Young woman: I am so not doing that again. One, it's gross, and two, my legs are killing me.
--Chatham Light Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Antonia
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