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December 2007 Archives
Weren't You There?
Mom to 13-year-old son: What the hell is wrong with you? Were you born this stupid?
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
New Slang for Getting One's Period?
Woman on boardwalk: Yesterday was a bad day. A dead dog washed up on the shore.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
We Should Taste It To Make Sure
Bimbette to friend: Hmmm, it smells like the beach...
--Surf & Stillwell Avenue, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Janelle
Filled As They Are with Incomprehensible Acronyms
Guy #1: Hey, man! What's up?
Guy #2: You don't return my calls...
Guy #1: I don't return your Facebook messages.
--Woodbine Beach, Toronto, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Kaley
Pay No Attention to the MSG behind the Curtain
Mother: Honey, do you want some cheddar cheese Pringles?
Kid: Sure.
Mother: See, they have zero grams trans fat. That's really important now.
--Bradley Beach, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
The Perils of Being Raised on Roseanne Reruns
Preppy college girl: I don't know -- I think it would be kind of glamorous to be poor!
--Pennfield Beach, Connecticut
Overheard by: Quirky Corky
In Case of Emergency, We Use Fat Virginians
Woman: So, since the hurricane is coming, are they going to put up the hurricane shield?
Municipal employee: Hurricane shield?
Woman: Yes, the hurricane shield. Doesn't the city have a shield you put up to block the wind and such from the hurricane?!
Municipal employee: Ma'am, no such thing exists.
Woman, sarcastically: Well, aren't you guys just the most prepared beach town in America!
Municipal employee: Have a wonderful day, ma'am.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Cebastian
Which Was Good, because I Didn't
Blonde: Wait, do Jewish people burn or tan?
Meathead: Well, some are pasty and some are really dark.
Blonde: Yeah, 'cause, like, she's Jewish and she gets a tan. I came into work the other day and my hair was curly, and everyone was like, 'Whoa!' But then I told them I'm half-Jewish, so they understood.
--Manchester by the Sea, Massachusetts
Overheard by: i burn and i'm not
It's Funny, She Says the Same Thing About You
Teen boy to friend: Shit, if I had known that there would be so many hot women on this beach, I'd never have taken my girlfriend with me!
--Pärnu, Estonia, Europe
Not Since That Elevator in New York!
Guy on cell: That was the first time I shit my pants in a while!
--Salem, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Laura Wilson
Then Where Do They Keep Their Cigarettes?
Man: In Europe, all little children are naked.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: I heard about that
God: Let Me Check My List....
Jehovah's witness kid #1: Asshole!
Jehovah's witness kid #2: Geez, Justin! We just read the frickin' Bible! Stop talking like that!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: collin
Next: Why Apples Float When You Drop Them
Pompous failed astronomer: So, the reason there was a half moon last night was that the Earth gets in between the sun and the moon [arranges water bottles to demonstrate]. It's kind of like an eclipse, but the Earth only covers half the moon, so you see the rest.
Chick: Oh, okay. Interesting.
Pompous failed astronomer: It's really just thinking logically. Something has to cast a shadow on the moon.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: not the only one laughing at him
The Premature Ejaculators' Society Takes a Holiday
Loud Brit on cell: Oh, yes! We're finally here! It's so warm here! All quiet -- it's just beautiful! Will you be along soon? Oh... Ah... Uh-huh... So you're going to have sex? Right, then -- see you in a minute! Bye!
--Barcelona, Spain
Overheard by: Avkram
Take That, Feudalism!
Four-year-old girl squatting over sand castle: Look, Mommy, I'm peeing! Look, Mommy, it's a toilet!
--Isle of Palms, South Carolina
The Tourists Would Have Fed Them, Too, and Then...
Late-20s chick #1: Don't the tourists understand the laws of seagull shitting? I mean, if they feed them, they are going to crap all over the entire beach.
Late-20s chick #2: At least the parade of Hare Krishnas has passed.
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Overheard by: unMuse
What Happens When You Have Aunts Who Haven't Seen You in a While
Little boy with ice cream: They gonna manhandle me!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Audrey
Another Great Time-Killer? "Pregnant or Fat?"
Daughter: Sorry I'm late.
Mom: That's okay. We were playing 'Tourist or not?' with the passersby. Look -- those two -- obviously tourists.
Daughter: Oh, kinda like when I play 'Jew or not?' when I get bored.
--Ipanema, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Overheard by: Jew tourist
Like, Where Do Tornados Go on Spring Break?
Kid: If a tornado comes, will our beach be destroyed?
Mom: No. Tornadoes don't come to the beach.
Kid: Why not? We're better than Kansas, and that place got leveled!
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard...
Dude: I don't have an STD... But I want one!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: katie
Possibly in a Nunnery
Tattooed woman with cast: Did you see the dancer on stage with the horse tail?
Pale friend: I am ready for a vacation.
--South Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Scott on SoBe
And Then They Shot Him
Skateboarding surfer to six Hasidic Jews: Hey! Cowboys!
--Ventnor City, New Jersey
Overheard by: walking on the other side
... Of Mexico. Where Margaritas Come From. Hello, in Salty Glasses?
Blonde: Why is this water, like, salty?
Brunette: Uhhh, it's sea water -- the ocean is salty.
Blonde: Yeah, but I thought this was the Gulf...
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: tourist lover
Wait, Octopus Flavor?
Redneck spring breaker ordering from ceviche stand: Lemme try some of that shave-ice.
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Bet he didn't like it
They Really Should Schedule the Beer Competition before the Sex
Italian MC on the PA: Fifteen minutes to Bocce ball tournament, volleyball tournament... Sex on the beach! Beer tournament at six!
--Fortuna Beach, Grand Bahama Island
They're Like Susan Sarandon That Way
Girl: I used to have a Shih-Tzu. Cutest dog ever.
Boy: Yeah, my friend has one, and this Doberman mutt thing. It's weird, 'cause they were playing with each other and its eyeball fell out.
Girl: What?!
Boy: Yeah. They took it to the vet and he was like, 'Oh, yeah, that happens a lot.'
--Lake Conroe, Texas
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