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January 2008 Archives
And because She's Your Sister
Drunk law student, down on one knee: Will you marry me?
Drunk girl he just met, giggling: Of course!
Drunk law student to friend five minutes later: That's not binding if it's just oral, right?
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Hey, Your Son Asked
Soccer mom to friend: Masturbation... Ejaculation... All the stuff.
--Drift Inn Beach, Port Clyde, Maine
Overheard by: Sara
Could You Take It Out of Your Vagina First?
Girl #1 in stall: I think I'm bleeding.
Girl #2 in next stall: Do you have your period?
Girl #1: I dunno. Here, look.
Girl #2: I don't want to look!
Girl #1: At my foot, dumbass.
--Wawa, Chadwick Beach, New Jersey
You Know What's Really Emo? Not Breathing.
Teen #1: Get out of the street! There's a car coming.
Teen #2, not moving: I don't care.
Teen #3: God, you're so emo, it's ridiculous.
--Rockport, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Avery
Though I'm Great at Sucking Bodily Fluids
Boy: Can I ask you something? If you were a vampire, what would you do?
Teen girl #1: I'd eat someone's blood.
Teen girl #2: I'd do the same.
Teen girl #3: Well, I wouldn't be here 'cause I would die! Thank God I'm not a vampire!
--Jones Beach, New York
Would You Terribly Mind Bubble-Wrapping the Car?
Lady on cell: Hello? I need to get a spare tire put on... Yes, the BMW -- my son's car. Well, I'm not actually sure what tire it is. See, my son's the one with the flat. He's a few blocks from home, and he has his own AAA number, but he said he called and he got the automated menu, and he got confused. He's only 20, and-- [pause, then] --Yes, I guess I do coddle him...
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
She's at the Great Beach in the Sky, Sweetie
Foreign single father: So, are you guys having fun at the beach?
Son: Actually, yeah -- it's fun.
Foreign single father: Next time, have positive attitude from the start.
Son: No, that was 'cause before when you said, 'Let's go to the beach,' I thought we were gonna visit Mom.
--Lake Erie, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: native english speaker
Go with the Penis! The Penis!
Boy to girl, behind trees: I'm running out of things to put in there!
--St. George Island, Florida
Overheard by: Shocked and disturbed
Wanna See Me Make It Dance?
Bikini #1: Duuude, your birthmark has gotten bigger...
Bikini #2: That's because my thigh has gotten bigger.
--The Hamptons, New York
Can't Figure 'em Out?
Bimbette: My nipples are hard.
--Wasaga Beach, Ontario, Canadia
Actually, We're a Jewelry Store, but You Just Made My Day
Customer: Hey, my car is making a funny noise.
Clerk: What did it sound like?
Customer: Vrummm-clunk.
Clerk: How did it go, again?
Customer: Vrummm-clunk.
Clerk: I didn't quite get that -- one more time?
Customer: Vrummm-clunk! Vrummm-clunk! Vrummm-clunk!
Clerk: Hahahaha!
Customer: What?
--AutoZone, Crestview, Florida
Guess You Take after Your Mother
Little boy: Guess what?
Man: What?
Little boy: On the count of three, I'm going to turn into a dinosaur.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ever
American-Flag Speedos Are Never Okay
Tall guy to sweaty friend: Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but you are wrong.
--Rosarito, Mexico
Overheard by: KJ
Hopefully They'll Never Find Out I Cheated with Those Nantucket Nectars
40-year-old man #1: Water bottles are a major part of my life.
40-year-old man #2: Yeah...
--Hammonasset Beach, Connecticut
Overheard by: Very amused
Can We Keep It?
Little boy passing by a midget: Mom! Mom! I just saw a people-kid!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
But Possibly Guatemalish
WASP girl: I saw three of them, and they all looked the same. I think they were Mexicanese?
--Bar Harbor, Maine
Overheard by: dulcineaesq
Looks Like a Stand-off
Crazy bag lady: I'm Ozzy's mommy!
Queer: No, you're not! You're a fucking gross woman who carries around used clothes and a knapsack full of tissues! Plus, Ozzy sucks!
Crazy bag lady: Fag!
--St. Petersburg, Florida
"Arf-Arf" Means "Give Me the Meat or Die!"
Six-year-old boy running with hot dog in hand, chased by leash-less Doberman Pinscher: Look, Dad!
Suddenly-observant father: No! Drop that meat!
Six-year-old boy, still running with hot dog in hand: But Dad, I'm learning to speak dog!
--Ocean Beach's Dog Beach, California
Overheard by: fishwhisperer
Who Didn't, Really?
Brunette: I've always wanted a tattoo, but I don't think I'm going to get one. You can't get buried in a Jewish cemetery if you have a tattoo.
Blonde: Why would you want to get married in a Jewish cemetery?
Brunette: Not married. Buried.
Blonde: Oh... So, are you Jewish?
Brunette: Yes.
Blonde: What is it with Jews always wanting to marry other Jews?
Brunette: I guess part of it is that the Jews have been persecuted so much, so people want to make sure to perpetuate the race.
Blonde: Really? Like who? Who persecuted the Jews?
Brunette: Um... well... the Nazis.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Do They Make My Junk Look Fat?
Blonde, very loudly: You know, if I was a guy, these bikini bottoms would really cut into my balls!
--Key West, Florida
Overheard by: Anne
That's Really More of a South-of-Maryland Thing
Early-20s chick: I mean, I love my dad as a father and a friend, but, like, definitely not as a husband.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: awesome is as awesome does
Where Do You Live, Again?
10-year-old boy: My mom is such a fucking slut.
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: nicole
By Their Sucker Mouths?
Wife to husband: Baby, don't get out in the water! Those kids will be hanging on you like remoras!
--Grand Isle, Louisiana
Jesus, Bitsy!
Preppy 60-something #1: Now you only owe me 10,463 martinis.
Preppy 60-something #2: Yep, she owes me a bunch, too.
--Kennebunkport, Maine
Overheard by: Amused Locals
Bingo!
Teen boy #1: Yeah, and then there's the what-do-you-call-its -- those Doritos X-13-D or whatever -- where you name the flavor.
Teen boy #2: Haha, yeah. They probably just, like, mixed ingredients or something and didn't know what to call it.
Teen boy #1: All I know is it tasted like Dijon mustard and chicken Ramen noodles.
--Manteo, North Carolina
Overheard by: Sarah J
Unless You've Got Weed
Four-year-old to 12-year-old: You come over here every single day. No one likes you. Go back to your own camp.
--Lake Champlain, New York
And Water, or Something
Guy: Why is there water on the outside of my can?
Girl: I don't know. I think it has to do with cold.
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Overheard by: Kristy
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