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February 2008 Archives
Two Words: Ironclad Prenup
Ana #1: Oh my god, look at that guy. He's huge!
Ana #2: Like, really, someone needs to introduce him to Weight Watchers or something!
Girl passerby: Hey, snugglebutt! [Gives large guy hug and kiss.]
Ana #1: What the fuck?
Ana #2: Girlfriend? That fat whale?
Girl passerby: Husband. And you two might have men in your lives if you actually had boobs rather than a caved-in skeleton chest. Come on, schnookums, let's go get some ice cream.
--Westerly, Rhode Island
Overheard by: blanket not far away, lauging my ass off
Focus -- We're Trashing People Here
Biotech #1: Wow. Did you see his new girlfriend over there?
Biotech #2: Yeah. She's got cottage cheese legs.
Bimbette: Really? Where is she? Is she fat?
Biotech #2: It's not that she's fat, it's just that... well... she's built like a linebacker.
Bimbette, looking in opposite direction: Hey, look -- volleyball!
--Hamburg Beach, Germany
I Married Your Mother for Her Grand Tetons
Little boy, somewhat sheepishly: Dad, are you fascinated by rocks?
Dad, sincerely enthusiastic: I love rocks!
--Venice Beach, California
Without Having to Open Your Eyes
Drunk dude: I like mescaline for breakfast, because then all day you see all kinds of different shit.
--Pacific Beach, California
... At Least 50% of the Time
Female tourist on charter sailboat: Will this boat tip over?
Captain: No. It will go over a little bit, but it won't tip over.
Female tourist: Good. I was worried about that.
Captain: Well, if it does, it'll come right back up.
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Joe Francis's Spidey Sense Is Tingling
College girl #1: You're a total slut in college. I love it.
College girl #2: I know! I didn't get to be one in high school -- I'm making up for lost slut time.
--Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
And I'm Just Itching to Talk about It
Four-year-old boy scampering on shore: She's got crabs! She's got crabs! She's got crabs!
Mom wading in water: Stop saying that!
Four-year-old boy: But you do... They're all over down there!
--Sharky's Beach, Port Charlotte, Florida
Hey, I'm Not Giving Up My Good-Luck Marmoset
Stoned surfer #1: Sharks never attack people unless you, like, swim around with a bloody, severed leg tied around your neck.
Stoned surfer #2: Yeah, or like a severed arm or a dead monkey or something.
--Bolinas, California
I Tried to Solve Both Problems by Eating Her
Big man: No, I never blamed my wife for me being fat. I blame her for me being a nympho... Not for being fat, though...
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Really More of a Fourth-Date Question
Blonde: Hey, can you look at my butt? Do I have blood on my butt?
Guy: Uh, what?
Blonde: I have my period -- I just want to make sure I don't have blood on my butt.
Guy: What? Ew.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Sarah
And It's Self-Licking
White girl, about black girl's cat in her lap: I love your cat! Scratch that... I love your pussy!
Black girl: Haha! Yes, my big, black pussy is awesome!
White girl: I love to stroke your pussy. It's so soft.
Guy: Your pussy vibrates when you touch it! [Cat jumps away and goes to the window.]
Black girl: Sometimes my pussy gets lonely and likes to go stare out the window.
Guy: Damn! Everyone can see your big, black pussy from that window! Shameful!
White girl: Maybe your pussy needs some attention.
Black girl: Nah! Nobody wants a black pussy!
White girl: That ain't true! Lots of people do!
Black girl: No! Everyone loves a white pussy! ... You should bring out yours.
White girl: My pussy isn't white... It's brown with orange speckles.
Guy: Ew!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
Or Worse, in the Crushing Boredom of Marriage
Guy #1: Man, just seeing all these couples together just makes it worse, you know?
Guy #2: Yeah, I hear you. I'm sorry...
Guy #1, shouting at passing couples: It's all gonna end in tears!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Higgins
Like You Hate the Mailman When Daddy's Away?
Kid: Mom, how come the birds are wrestling each other?
Mom: They hate each other, that's why.
--Children's Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know why the caged bird sings
The Discovery Channel's "Seaweed Week" Failed to Catch On
20-ish girl to sister: I think a shark just brushed up against my foot! [Everyone nearby stares.] Oops. I think I said that a little loud. False alert, everyone -- it was just some seaweed!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
My Ass Is Going into Toxic Shock
Teen girl: My shorts are expanding like a tampon!
--Jones Beach, New York
Besides, She's Nine
Girl on phone with guy friend: You know, my sister just got her tits done for her birthday... I don't want you fucking her.
--Jones Beach, New York
Now in My Dotage, I Find Myself Embittered and Alone
12-year-old boy chasing group of younger kids: Damn punk kids! Damn disrespectful punk kids! When I was young, I had respect for my elders!
--Cottesloe Beach, Perth, Western Australia
No Thanks, Bobby
Three-year-old playing kitchen, to adults: Does anyone want a taste of my spicy vagina?
--Lake George, New York
Totally -- You Sound Just Like Sean Connery
Californian girl: Oh my god, I am, like, so brown now. Do you think when we go back to the hostel and put on our English accents people will, like, not know who we are?
--Lagos Beach, Portugal
... If I Can Find a Stupid Shit to Marry Me
Girl on cell: Yeah, so my dad said he wouldn't pay for college, but he would pay for my wedding, and I'd rather have a big party than study stupid shit for four years, so I'll just do that...
--Marathon, Florida
Overheard by: Nicole
We Can Always Use Extra Syringes around the House
Little girl: Mommy! I caught a wave!
Mother: Did you catch any trash?
--Brighton Beach, New York
And Everyone with Munchausen-by-Proxy
Brunette: Okay, now that I have your number, I'll just call you and then you'll have mine.
Blonde: Oh! It's ringing. Okay... I'm going to reject you, and then I'm going to save you... I'm just like Jesus.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
Where's Jonah, Anyway?
20-ish guy: I looked over at Sharon and didn't think she had any bottoms on. Then a wave lifted up her stomach, and I saw that she did.
--Old Lyme, Connecticut
Overheard by: Ann
Depends Where You Kiss Them
Blonde: So can you, like, get AIDS from kissing?
Guido friend: I don't know. I think you have to share your DNA to get it.
Blonde: So, do most guys have DNA?
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by:
Dude, That Is the Shittiest Ghost Story in the Whole World
Dude: ... So I'm, like, sitting there and she just keeps staring at me! So you know what I did? I threw my pizza crust at her forehead... And she started to bleed! I mean, that was some hard pizza crust, man! And you know what did said? Nothing! She just kept staring!
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
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