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May 2008 Archives
Bad Things Happened When He Tried to Polish It
Worried surfer: I've been out here four hours and my knob still hasn't changed color!
--Coogee Beach, Sydney, Australia
Is That Where Tsunamis Come From?
Surfer: It's questions like these that you have to look to the Bible for answers. Like, what would Jesus do in a line-up like this? He'd fuck people up, that's what He'd do!
--Shell Beach, California
Overheard by: One of the masses in the line up
Nah, Meg Ryan's Face Just Looks That Way
Excited teenage girl on cell: Dude, that's so beat!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Tim
Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?
Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
She Doesn't Even Own a Bandana.
Bikini babe: She's had sex before... but... like... only strap-on sex. So she's totally a fake lesbian 'cause she still likes dick!
--Anna Bananas, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: just getting some beers
The Lead Singer Picked Me Up in a Bar Last Night
Teen bimbette: So I heard about this new band that just came out. The lead singer is really cute... they're called The Doors.
--South California
I Didn't Slap You, I High-Fived Your Face
Dude: I didn't steal the Bentley. I hijacked it.
Girl: [Slaps him.]
--Oean Isle, North Carolina
See? There's Uncle Walter Now!
Girl: The sign for "Ped Xing" is way too vague. Lots of words begin with "ped-". It could very well be a pedophile crossing.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
One Of Those Goth Buddhist Monks?
Outraged hippie chick: Someone drew a pentagram in my Zen garden!
--Seal Beach, California
And Lived Happily Ever After
20-something college guy: So he was getting the anal beads pulled out, coming at the same time, and he shat all over this girl's couch.
20-something college girl: Well then what did he do?
20-something college guy: I dunno, he probably wiped his ass and left...
--Casino Beach, Pensacola, Florida
It Swam Right in Front of My Car
Husband, excited at seeing a washed up, dead whale: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer? Well, wait 'til you see this!
--Fernandina Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Katred
Like a Computer, Baby!
20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?
--Boat, Boston Harbor
Overheard by: Deck Hand
Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed
Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.
--Treasure Island, Florida
Overheard by: Native Floridian
He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal
Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.
--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
What'd We Tell You About Crying That, Peter?
Man, hearing seagulls: Wolves!
--Upper Hutt, New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut
40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!
--La Jolla, California
Overheard by: Confetti Bomb
"...Hand Over Your Karma and No One Gets Hurt."
Pale nerd to posse: So I took out my super big blue Chakra shotgun and I said...
--Seal Beach, California
So, This Is Hell?
Formerly smiling lifeguard: Great, I've got bird shit on me, and we have to listen to John Mayer!
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch
Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!
--Paradise Island, The Bahamas
Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer
Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once
Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!
--Playa Del Rey, CA
Now That I Have This Inconvenient Infection
Teenage girl: So I've decided not to be a slut anymore.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?
Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!
--Robert Moses, New York
Overheard by: Zep
No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese
Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.
--Virginia Beach
This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been
Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ilyse
And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes
Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.
--Rockway Beach, NY
Mmm, Damage
Sunbathing girl: Ahhh! Burning sensation!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kristin
This Is Why You Can't Bring Snips, Snails or Puppy Dog Tails on Planes Anymore
Little boy, wearing a towel as a cape: I'm six! And six-year-old boys are full of poison! I'm gonna bite you! Rawrrr!
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lisita
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