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July 2008 Archives
Anyone Else's Bra Need a Refill?
Golden girl: Excuse me, bartender!
(harried bartender grunts at her)
Golden girl: Bartender, can I just have an ice cube please?
(harried bartender fills a cup with ice cubes and slams it down in front of her)
Golder girl: What am I supposed to do with all of these? I just wanted one to put in my bra!
--Colony Hotel, Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Becka Dash
If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible
Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?
--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Responsible Tourist
Loss of Virginity's Contagious
[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!
We're a Low-Humidity Race, My Friend
Kid #1: Hey -how you gonna go in the water, come back and be dry already?
Kid #2: Cause I'm black.
Kid #1: [Pause.] Hey, shut up.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Emily
An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing
Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]
Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We've been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too
It's Not Slutty If It's in the Name of Science
Teen girl: Of course she will get naked, she is slutty... I will get naked too, next time, but you guys respect me, right? Oh look, there's a nude dude... [Points at stranger.] Want to see if I can get him hard?
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals
Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.
--Jones Beach, New York
And Hard to Breathe
20-something girl, coming out of the ocean: This water's salty!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner
Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
--South Beach Florida
How They Make the World's Most Expensive Coffee
Young boy: Look dad, somebody dropped some peanuts.
Male surfer: Sir, I wouldn't eat them, I think they came out of someone's rear end.
Young boy: So these are ass nuts? Awesome!
--Florence, Oregon
Overheard by: Johm
You Know You're Black, Right?
Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.
--Waikiki, Hawaii
If Anything Comes Off, Just Put It Back
Man with small child on his shoulders, rubbing his bald head: Rub harder! Make a wish!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Arlene M Franks
Something Is Making Me Uncomfortable
Boston woman in her late 50s: ... And it's not like it used to be. Jamaica Plain has become so culturally diverse... It's so unfortunate!
Sunburned woman in her late 50s: Um. Where is that sunscreen?
--Surfside Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: KP
Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time
Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
And Inserted It Into My Vagina
Blonde: So my mom fucked me last night.
Friend: She what?
Blonde: You know, held up her middle finger...
Friend: Um...
--Malibu, California
Now Imagine Lesley Gore Singing This
Guy #1: I can't believe you did that! How could you? After all this time! I thought I knew you!
Guy #2, very loudly: It's my butt and it's gonna be fucked if I want it to!
--Enseada Beach, Brazil
Overheard by: Natasha
Joey Proceeded to Spank Himself for Disobeying
Hyper seven-year-old: Sit!
Frazzled mother: Who are you talking to?
Hyper seven-year-old, matter-of-factly: Myself.
--Taco Bell, Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kiwi
Here's Some Chapstik
Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: anna
Especially for the Part of It That's Passing Through Me
Drunk girl, holding a can of Milwaukee's Best, sadly: ...I feel bad for Milwaukee.
--Santa Barbara, California
But Since It's Me, I Know I'm Just Lazy
University of Miami girl: If I wasn't me, I'd think I was stupid.
--Miami Beach, Florida
You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God
Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.
--Santa Cruz, California
You're Barefoot, Amy
Sober girl: You have no idea what's going on!
Drunk blonde: Yes I do! I am still totally relevant to what is going on!
Sober girl: Wait, what?
Drunk blonde: Oh, relevant of! Relevant of what is going on!... Aren't these shoes sexy?
--Santa Barbara, California
Two Liters Of Beer Goggles, Stat!
Sober girl in crowded bar: I forgot what assholes people are.
--dive bar in Santa Cruz
...According to That Cosmo Quiz
Over-tanned lady to beach bum eating plum: I would rather drink shower water than eat unwashed fruit.
--Ala Moana Center, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Buddha
Idiots Are Generally Immune to Sarcasm
American girl #1: So, did you bring the book?
American girl #2: What book?
American girl #1: The book.
American girl #2: Ohh... Ant farm?
American girl #1: No. The bible. Fucking idiot.
--Aix en Provence, France
Overheard by: Ant Farm pretty much IS the Bible
Holding It in Is Great for the Glutes
Fitness instructor, to participant complaining of leg cramps: Make sure you get a banana in you before you head to work.
--Crescent Bay Park, Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: JD
Dude, I Think She's Advertising!
Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.
--Padre Island, Texas
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