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August 2008 Archives
It's All Fun and Games 'Til She Calls FEMA
Boat captain: C'mon, we have to go. The tide's coming in and the island's gonna sink!
Gullible tourist: Okay.
(soon the tourist sees the island disappearing behind them on the horizon as the boat goes back to port)
Gullible tourist: You're right! It's sinking!
--Boat Tour, Hawaii
It Was Like He Punched the Snooze Button of My Biological Clock
Early 30s woman: I was feeling bad, like I wasn't on schedule or something. Then I saw who she was marrying and I didn't feel so bad.
--Lake Michigan, Illinois
Overheard by: Midwest Values
Take That Back, Motherfucker!
(after a person in a full Elmo suit was chased down the beach)
Guy #1: Elmo was a lady!
Guy #2: Elmo is a bitch.
--Coney Island, New York
I'll Just Do a Chick and Think About My Mom
Dude #1: I'd really like to do a girl and her mom at the same time.
Dude #2: I don't think you're gonna have any luck here. All these chicks look like they're between 18 and 25.
Dude #1: So, what's your point?
--Cancun, Mexico
Overheard by: Beach Frog
Bill Nye Is Surprisingly Irreverent in Person
(guy #2 is wearing a jacket in 100-degree weather)
Guy #1: Why can't you just wear shorts like a normal person?
Guy #2: Why can't you drink milk with your eyes?
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: It's science, bitch!
--Miami, Florida
But If I Find Out You Were Just Doing Math Homework, I'll Be Pissed
Girl on cell: Hey! I was wondering when you're picking me up... Oh... Okay... Well, yeah, I'm not as exciting as getting fucked. I'd ditch me too. Okay, call me tomorrow!
--Queen's Quay, Toronto, Canadia
Overheard by: Laura
That's Just Nature's Way of Telling You They're Done
Teenage girl #1: Are my nip nips showing?
Teenage girl #2: Your what whats?
Teenage girl #1: (points) My nips. It's blinking cold, you know.
Teenage girl #2: Er... Ohh, that. Nope, can't see a thing.
Teenage girl #1: You better check from time to time, okay? Like seriously. I don't care, I need to poke them back in.
Teenage girl #2: But even if you poke it back in, it just pops back out like nobody's bussiness! What do you do then, keep poking?
--Sunway Lagoon, Malaysia
Overheard by: babybhang
Snow White Began to Regret Choosing Grumpy Over the Prince
Husband: There are always thieves on the beach.
Wife: Well, aren't you just a ray of sunshine up my ass?
Husband: Well, there are.
Wife: You are just a ray of fucking sunshine up my ass! All day (imitating husband) "I can't smoke here, I can't drink here, there are thieves on the beach."
--East Matunuck State Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Penny Lane
Would This Lecture Be More Effective If I Demonstrated with a Raw Egg?
Man: Remember to say no to crack, Joseph. Okay?
Little boy: Huh?
--Indiana Dunes State Park, Indiana
Overheard by: Breet
Happens Every Time She Watches The O'Reilly Factor
Quick-walking woman leaving voice mail: Hey, it's me. I need you to call me as soon as you get this. I have never wanted to chop someone's dick off as much I as I do right now. He is a low-down lying piece of shit, and I hope he fucking dies. I mean, a fucking tractor-trailer could run his fucking sonofabitch ass over and I would be perfectly fine. Okay, talk to you soon, I love you!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
I'm Like Nature's Glade Plug-In
Friend: Mmm! Sharice, that smells good! What'd you spray?
Sharice: Girl, it ain't no spray.
Friend: What is it?
Sharice (very loudly): Mah pussayyy, bitch!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Suzanne
Dude, Just Get a Bigger Fish!
Drunk camper: If that dude actually comes back with a fish and starts slapping people with it, I'm leaving this island. That is just way more intensity than I am prepared to deal with.
--Lake George, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
Now I'm Happy to Say That Girl Is My Wife
Loud high school girl: I was walking down the beach and I saw this girl with the fattest vagina! It was like balls!
--Good Harbor Beach, Gloucester, Massachusetts
It's Winking at Me
Wifey: I mean, just stop staring at her vagina!
--Cedar Beach, West Islip, Long Island
Overheard by: Indecent Exposure?
Why Won't Anyone Believe Me?
Preppy 30-something guy: I mean, all the clubs in Europe are naked clubs now. (pause) Seriously, like, everybody's naked!
--Indian Wells Beach, New York
New Yorkers Say "Excuse Me, Motherfucker"
Overly tan muscle man at crowded parade: You can tell people who aren't from New York cause they say "Excuse me".
--Coney Island, New York
John Merrick Comes on Thursdays, Though. Come Back Then
Girl #1: That's why I love the beach, there's always someone in a bathing suit who looks worse than you!
Random beach dude: Sorry hun, today that's just not the case.
Girl #2: Oh my god.
--Lake Ontario, New York
Remember When The Tree Had Real Candles?
Salty sea dog: And the new LED Christmas lights? They'll never burn down your Christmas tree. You'll have to do that yourself.
--Morro Bay, California
Overheard by: Colin
Does Anyone?
Excessively tan man: I don't trust SPF 14 anyway.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Jo
At the "That's What She Said" Quarterfinals
Mid-twenties gal: (shows bottle of sunscreen) Hey, hon, will you cream me?
Mid-twenties guy: (snickers)
Mid-twenties gal: What? Oh, god. You're sick.
(guy rubs the sunscreen on her back)
Mid-twenties guy: Can you get the rest yourself?
Mid-twenties gal: Yeah, I'll just finish myself off.
Mid-twenties guy: (snickers)
Mid-twenties gal: Oh, shut-up!
--St. Paul, Minnesota
So I Only Hurt Myself
Drunk guy: I'm scared of you... You look dangerous, like you could beat somebody up.
Drunk girl: What? Why?
Drunk guy: It's the headband, you look like you know karate.
Drunk girl: I don't know karate, I know yoga.
--Beaufort, South Carolina
Overheard by: Wish I had that logic....
Nice Goiter
Cute girl walking down the boardwalk: I've been stared at seven times already!
Random guy walking past: Eight.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
As Required by State Law
Four-year-old southerner: Dad! We should cut up a fish! We should cut up a fish and watch it bleed!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: beach*blonde
Omagah, Except for Now!
Blond waitress to patron: I'm like one of those, you know. The kind that don't make mistakes.
--Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California
There's the Worm Poking Its Head Out Now.
Female Hamptons yuppie: Tequila goes straight to my crotch.
--The Hamptons, New York
Overheard by: Mike
I Like to Talk About Them and Watch for Erections
Girl: I didn't realize my nipples were dark until I went to sleep-away camp and the girls in my tent were like: "Um. Wow." I went topless in Jamaica and they were, like, black when I came back.
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Colleen
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