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September 2008 Archives
When You Call Your Boyfriend That, We Feel You're Just Bragging
Large gay man on bike, calling back to others: Come on, guys! We're going to miss the Origami!
--Provincetown, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: mj
What the Tooth Fairy Is Called, in Pragmatic Households
Worried teen: Oh no! The janitor lady cleaned up my tooth!
--Howard Park Beach, Tarpon Springs, Florida
Overheard by: CorLiz
Instead of Setting Daddy on Fire, Like Usual
Four-year-old girl: Daddy! Why did you knock over my sandcastle?!
Dad: Because you knocked over my sandcastle first.
(dad coolly turns to two-year-old son and begins playing with him)
Four-year-old girl, in hysterics: Daddy! I'm so angry at you!
Mom: Good honey, you're expressing your feelings really well.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Perhaps a Career As a Schoolmarm, Then
20-something daughter: She's 23.
Middle-aged mom: Well, if she ain't married yet, she ain't never gonna be.
--Daytona, Florida
Overheard by: MAGICALLY engaged at 36
Surfers Don't Expect to Live Forever
Texan: Yo! Dude, the waves are so huge! I just broke my longboard in two an' almost got killed... that was awesome!
--Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic
And Throw Up a Hair Ball?
Trailer guy: So what about Beth?
Trailer girl with child nearby: Beth? Chuck, she can suck my fat pussy.
--Madeira Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Mark
Of Course He Liked His Raw and Smeared on Strippers...
Drunk woman at bar: I mean, we had so much in common, you know? He liked red meat, I liked red meat... It was a good relationship.
--Long Beach, California
How Supergirl Alienated Everyone in Her Play-Group
Adorable niece: I can see your wiener because I have X-ray vision!
--Corral Cabana Club, Tampa, Florida
Better Let Go Of My Hand, Then
(coming out of a store)
Gay guy #1: Which way are we going?
Gay guy #2: Straight.
Gay guy #1: (giggles)
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
And Were Shaped Like Either a Horse or a Teacup, Depending Upon Who You Ask
New Jersey Guido: His nipples were as big as clouds...
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Peter Butter and Gina Jam
Coulda Hung a Porch Swing Off It
(built dude in super-tight white spandex shorts roller blades past a group of hipsters on bicycles)
Biking ironic hipster to girlfriend: Woah. Did you just see that sweet penis?
--North Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Kara Lang
Honey, They Know We Have Sex!
B&B owner to guests: Do you two have children?
Female guest: Oh no, not yet. That's why we are here!
B&B owner (blushing) walking away: Oh! Well, I'm glad we could help!
Guest (softly, mortified): I meant we have more time without kids!
--Bed & Breakfast, Galveston Island, Texas
A Man, a Plan, a Cannabis: Panama
(a convertible full of half-naked frat boys is stopped at a light)
Frat boys in unison: Marijuanamarijuanamarijuana!
--Panama City, Panama
I Gotta Stop Living in the Moment
Hairdresser to client: Hey... Um... Remember when I did your hair?
Client: Yeah?
Hairdresser: Wait, you were there, right?
Client: Yeah babe, I was there.
--Venice Beach, California
I Fear the Day When I Am Asked to Jump
White teen girl #1: The first rule of being white is never admitting that you're white.
White teen girl #2: Oh! I never admit that!
--Avon Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: NotFromJersey
You Know She Likes Fish
Hot chick #1 (laying on Little Mermaid towel): I always feel bad laying on her like this.
Hot chick #2: I wouldn't! I'd scissor her face if she was real.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Whatever-- That's What You Said About Grand Theft Auto
(group of awkward band geeks on the beach)
Girl #1: Did Dave* and Tina* go back to the house again?
Girl #2: Yes, the whole prom weekend all they have been doing is sneaking off to be alone.
Girl #1: You know they've been having sex all the time, don't you?
(boy next to girl #2 sits up)
Girl #2: If you do it too much it's not fun anymore.
--Trenton Avenue, Sea Girt, New Jersey
Overheard by: Girt Girl
That's a Goldfish Cracker, Sweetie
Delighted five-year-old: Mommy! Mommy! A fish!
Mom: What is it?
Delighted five-year-old: A fish! In the water!
Mom: Oh, you see a fish? Is he swimmin'?
Delighted five-year-old: No! He's dead!
--Clove Lake Park, Staten Island
According to the Farmer's Almanac
Drunk guy: She's done more blow than it snowed last year!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Audrey
A Blonde Twin
40-something guy: That must be like an all-you-can-eat salad bar of STDs!
60-something guy: She's a twin.
--Pancake House, Redondo Beach, California
Being a Theater Kid Is a Disability
Girl under umbrella: She said her two life goals are to grow a third arm and trip a cripple.
Mom (to friend): She's a theater kid.
Friend: But still, I don't see any reason to hurt a disabled person.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mary
Which Threw Off Our Whole System of Coded Gestures
20-something girl #1: So, she's pregnant?
20-something girl #2: No, I just didn't want to sit by the soda machine.
--Warren Dunes, Michigan
Why Bill Got Fired from His Weatherman Gig
Tourist: What a beautiful day! If it were a girl I'd take her home and eat her pussy out all night!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Though the Two Before It Were "Die" and "Bitch"
Girl #1: So have you spoken to him at all?
Girl #2: A little. I think he might be ready to get back together soon.
Girl #2: Really?
Girl #2: Well, this might be overanalyzing, but his last move on Scrabulous was "sorry".
--New Jersey
Your Editors Beg to Differ
Guy #1: What happened to the girl you were seeing in Phoenix?
Guy #2: She broke up with me because I had too much baggage.
Guy #3: Wait! Was that the anorexic/bulimic with depression that was hooked on painkillers and ecstasy?
Guy #2: Yep.
Guy #1: You ever fuck her while she threw up?
Guy #2: You're a sick fuck. (long pause) Yeah.
Guy #3: There is so much wrong with this conversation.
--Pacific Beach, California
The Sun Does This to Everybody
Idiot chick #1: Oh my god! This sand is sooo much hotter than it was this morning!
Idiot chick #2: Yeah, this morning it wasn't that hot!
Idiot chick #3: But now it's really hot!
Idiot chick #2: Yeah!
Idiot chick #1: Not like this morning.
Idiot chick #3: Yeah... It wasn't that hot this morning.
(brief pause)
Idiot chick #1: Yeah...
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Suzanne
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