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October 2008 Archives
A Threesome With Both Parents Gets You an 11
Blonde teen: On a scale from 1 to 10, how slutty am I?
Brunette teen: 10.
Blonde teen: What? Oh my god, you bitch!
Brunette: You tried to hook up with my father.
Blonde: Oh, yeah...
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: Erin
Superhero Steely Dan Had a Modest Jamaican Boyhood
Boy: Mom! I want a wooden penis!
Mom: You have one already.
Boy: Then I want a metal penis!
Dad: Actually, that might come in handy.
--Dolphin Cove, Jamaica
Overheard by: bea arthur
And Resigning From Your Fan Club
50-something woman: I want the tiramisu for my birthday cake!
Husband: Well, the restaurant says they only have individual portions, not a big thing. That would be expensive for eleven people.
50-something woman: Well, I don't want the key lime pie, that's fifth on a list of five options.
20-something woman #1: Well, why don't we get a pie for everyone else, and a tiramisu for you?
50-something woman: I want everyone to eat what I'm eating in commemoration of my birthday!
20-something woman #2: Oh my god. I'm leaving.
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Audrey
Without a Laserlike Focus, the Bud May Elude Me
Stoner #1: Do you want a Bud or...?
Stoner #2: Bud.
Stoner #1: I also have Sam Adams Summers Ale.
Stoner #2: Bud.
Stoner #1: And Bass Ale.
Stoner #2: No ales!
--Bonnet Shores, Rhode Island
Overheard by: I like Ales
And I Just Saw What I've Been Wearing All These Years
Little boy's brother: Why are you screaming?
Little boy: Because I'm Hillary Clinton!
--Drift Inn Beach, Port Clyde, Maine
Overheard by: Sara
Like Nature's Turkey-Timers, They Tell Me When I'm Done
Guy (getting out of water): It's okay now, my nipples are hard.
--Pensacola, Florida
Don't Expect Sparkling Conversation During Your Boat Ride to the Isle of the Dead
Guy: Um, do you know where the water is?
Lady: Cold.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
It Was a Question on My Preschool Entrance Exam
Five-year-old (yelling across beach: Mommy, if you pooped out a baby, would I faint?
--Ocean Beach III, New Jersey
Mr. Britannica Grew Weary Of the Expectations the World Placed on Him
Little boy: Why is that woman walking faster than us?
Grandfather (frustrated): I have no explanation for this!
--Sauble Beach, Canadia
Overheard by: Totally walking faster than them
It's in the Fine Print on the Coppertone Label
Guy: Yo, where's that sunscreen at?
Girl: You don't need any sunscreen, we're black, we have a natural SPF factor of 8.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: KL
The Easiest He's Ever Been Let Down
French girl to flirty teenage boy: You are very cute, yes, but I am 23.
Teenage boy: Really?
French girl: Yes.
Teenage boy: Dammit.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Her American Cousin
A Tense Toilet Clogs!
Woman in public toilets: Relax, goddamn it!
--Jetty Road, Australia
Yeaahhh, Definitely Six Days
Grandma: So aren't you coming to visit me in 3 weeks.
Granddaughter: No, like 2 weeks and 6 days.
--Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Strategic Incompetence Is Clearly the Way to a Woman's Heart
Guy: If they try to get you to cook dinner, don't do it. That's how they try to control you.
--Redondo Beach, California
Translation: Don't Be a Pussy
Mother to crying three-year-old: Billy, you need to work on your emotional fragility. Take a deep cleansing breath. You know, you are a sensitive and caring boy, and that's a strength. But right now it's a weakness and you need to stop it.
--Delaware
It Said It Was a Leprechaun, Here to Grant Wishes
Blonde in bikini #1: She said she made eye contact with it three times.
Older man reading magazine: It was a five-year-old. That's what kids do.
Blonde in bikini #2: It was definitely not a five-year-old.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
Reality-- the Ultimate Reality Show
Stoned girl #1: You know what's awesome? If you look up, you see the moon and the stars, and it's like you're looking at space.
Stoned girl #2 (munching Parmesan crackers): Whoooaaa.
--Saint Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: i was stoned and it sounded cool at the time, too.
What's That Girl's Secret?
Fat girl: What did you and Michelle talk about on the phone last night?
Skinny girl: She and Alex are fighting.
Fat girl: You're lying, they are not! What did she really tell you?
Skinny girl: Well, she thinks Victoria's replacing her.
Fat girl: Ugh, she could've just talked to me about it... Victoria did kinda replace her, though.
--Lavalette, New Jersey
Overheard by: Crab
I Serve It at All My Tea Parties
Beefy guy to group of beefy friends: Pomegranate and Red Bull? That's heaven in a cup!
--South Beach, Miami
Know About It? It Cost a Fortune to Install!
Cop: Did they not know there was a Koala bear stuck in the grill of their car?
--Saint Petersburg, Florida
Ooo-- Are You Filled with Candy?
Fat half-naked lady, walking up to a random lady and her kid: I'm about to burst!
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: would not like to be there when it happens
Why Girls Wear Pants Without Pockets: Explained
Drunk teen guy: If I had a vag, I'd totally stick drugs and shit up there!
--Lavalette, New Jersey
Overheard by: I have one, but I don't
We Play Checkers on It, During Long Car Rides
Teenage girl: I know, he has the most beautiful eyes and this insanely hot body and I'm sad because his girlfriend has this really big forehead!
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: sara swank
How About "MC Hammer"?
Mom #1 (watching her boy): We originally chose the name Eric, but now I'm thinking we should just call him Rick.
Mom #2: But then he would be... Rick James?
Mom #1: Yes. I think it suits him better.
Little boy (running by): I'm Rick James, bitch!
Mom #1: Maybe we should just stay with Eric.
--Baker Beach, San Francisco
Bring Me Grandchildren, Then We'll See
Tween girl to parents: You never listen to me!
Mom: Be quiet, Ashley.
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Nicole
I Think I've Seen This Kirsten Dunst Movie...
Teen #1: So, do you, like, speak Spanish?
Teen #2: Yeah! Like a little.
Teen #1: So, what'd you like say to him?
Teen #2: I was like, "hola."
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: MoMo
That's the Last Time I'll Chug Non-Alcoholic Beer
Frat boy: Dude! I got so drunk last night that I got a temporary tattoo!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Jon
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