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November 2008 Archives
Where Do You Think Money Comes From, Miss Smarty-Pants?
Girl (yelling from balcony): You brought a printer on vacation with you?
Dad: Yes.
Girl: (walks away annoyed)
--Long Beach Island, New York
Overheard by: Jayne
The Sun God Smiles As He Rows His Boat Across the Sky
Puzzled blonde: Where did all these waves come from? Did a boat just go by or something?
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Megan
Hmmm. What Are These Euphemisms For?
Guy: Can you pass the ChapStick? Because "lip gloss" has the taint.
--Cambria, California
Overheard by: nadia
I Am Now One Ball Away from No Hot Chicks Ever Again
Guy #1: I can't believe he left us!
Guy #2: Yeah, me either. It really sucks being stuck on this fucking island with no hot chicks. I don't have a fucking shirt and I'm freezing my balls off!
Guy #1: Yeah, I know what you mean.
--St. Petersburg, Florida
Why Maryland's Famous for Its Crabs
Girl #1: Ooh, he's cute.
Girl #2: Tell him you're easy!
--Ocean City, Maryland
Magnifying an Image by 100x Totally Counteracts the Effects Of Shrinkage
Chubby, bald man to female friends: They should really put mirrors on the beach, facing out towards the water, so you can watch yourself in the ocean... No, not mirrors, JumboTrons! I would love to watch myself on a giant tv while I swim!
--Kure Beach, North Carolina
Baywatch Uncensored
Woman: Can I rent a beach chair?
Lifeguard (just off duty on the last day of the season): Fuck you, dumb cunt.
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Why didn't Someone Remind Me That Filipinos Speak Tagalog?
Teen:Yeah, we met this black guy and he spoke Japanese, Filipino, and Mexican.
(silence from the group)
Teen: Yeah, he was this black guy who spoke Japanese, Filipino, and Mexican.
(continued silence)
Teen: This black guy spoke Japanese, Filipino and Mexican... Ohhh, dude! Haha!
--Hermosa Beach, California
Take Me with You, Lady Windigo!
Girl to athletic friend: So, Mary Anne, when you go running, like what does that mean? Is that like, really fast?
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: KB
These Government Plants Are Getting More and More Believable
Serbian waiter: Card?
Tourist ordering drinks: You're going to card me!? C'mon, I left my card in the State room.
Serbian waiter: Card you? In Prague I work in bar next to high school, no I'm not going to carding! I need your payment card.
--Carnival Cruise, Ensenada, Mexico
But You Got All Pissy When I Told Them You Had Crabs!
Gay boy 1: No! I will not tell people you have herpes when you don't!
Gay boy 2: Fine, whatever! Only a real friend would, anyway!
--Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: Michael
Then You Shouldn't Be Dating Martha Stewart
Teen Girl: I can't eat this ice cream.
Bruster's Employee: Why not?
Teen Girl: Because it's frozen in the middle.
Bruster's Employee: It's ice cream.
Teen Girl: I know, but it's frozen in the middle and I can't eat it.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Either That Or It's An Album By That Guy Who Used To Be Prince
Chick #1: I think I need glasses or something, I can't even read the name of this song.
Chick #2: That's because your iPod is so scratched up.
Chick #1: Oh.
--Ashwaubomay Park Beach, Green Bay, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Melanie
Which I Guess Would Technically Solve Our Problem...
Mom in bikini: She's had an on-and-off boyfriend since september, and it's been nothing but drama. I'm trying to get her to stop answering his calls. He's trouble. He overdosed in October and he hasn't passed a class in four years. One time he called her cell phone from a number that wasn't his, and she asked whose phone he was calling from, and he said, "your house phone." He sneaked into our house when no one was home!
Mom in one-piece: Maybe you should think about a restraining order.
Mom in bikini: Well...
(phone rings: it's the daughter)
Mom in bikini: No! I told you not to answer his calls! And do not call him back! If you call him back, his mother will go to the police! She called me today and told me they're thinking about taking out a restraining order against you!
--Belmar, New Jersey
But My Heart Remains Open, Dear Friend
Nine-year-old boy #1 (yelling): My penis! My penis just closed!
(pause)
Nine-year-old boy #2 (yelling): Cool!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Chandler Smith
Um, That's Driftwood
Mother to toddler in wetsuit: Look! There's a naked baby! Do you wanna be naked and play with the naked baby? Let's go meet the naked baby.
--Lake Beach, Maine
We Pay Our Rent in Hockey Pucks
Bearded hipster: I live with my mom... You know, because she's Canadian.
--Bradford Beach, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Trying to Enjoy the Beach
And I'd Miss That If I Were in Jail
Dude #1: All I'm saying is, at some point she'll be 23 and damn sexy.
Dude #2: You have a good point.
--Cupsogue Beach, Westhampton, New York
Overheard by: sas
Laura Bush Can Be Amazingly Forceful at Times
Obnoxiously drunk ho as she leans on bro for support: Don't even think about thinking!
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
I Think They Even Did Splits!
Large lady in elevator to another: The kids brought back this DVD, they said it was PG-13... Well they started it up and it was raunchy! It had cheerleaders in it and god knows what else.
--Majestic Beach Towers, Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Heading to Blockbusters to find that DVD!
I Prefer, "Once More Onto the Beach, Dear Friends!"
Woman: If you get pulled out by a rip tide you shouldn't even bother to fight it, right? Because you're already dead.
Man: She's giving herself a pep talk.
--Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: beach comber
Or I Will Have It, After Three Easy Payments of $49.99
(in line at a grocery checkout)
Guy: I'm really excited about watching more movies, old ones and new ones. (pause) Now that I've got my soul back.
--Huntington Beach, California
So You Can Write It on Their Underwear, Which You Hang on Your "Wall Of Victory"
Seven-year-old: Dude, your sister needs hotter friends.
Friend: Well, there's the blond one.
Seven-year-old: What's her name?
Friend: I forget.
Seven-year-old: Dude! If they're hot, you remember their names!
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
Everybody Dance Now!
Busty tan blonde in yellow bikini, surrounded by 8 beautiful gay men drinking champagne and smoking pot: I mean, we should really just take a picture of this, and put it on a postcard: "Welcome to Venice Beach, bitches."
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: TheLurker
Your Ass and My Cock, Pal
Guy #1: Hey, what if you had a donkey? Haha.
Guy #2: Yeah, if I had a donkey. Haha. If I had a donkey and you had a rooster, haha.
Guy #1: Exactly.
--Ocean City, Maryland
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