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December 2008 Archives
Abraham Lincoln Told Me, Last Night
Little boy: Mommy, do you know this?
Mom: What, honey?
Little boy: Do you know this?
Mom: What, honey? I know everything.
Little boy: You're crazy.
Mom: Yeah, I knew this.
--Provincetown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Just waiting for a lobster roll
Used Diapers: the End of Many a Fantasy
Girl: Ooh, it's so pretty here...like on Lost!
Guy (stepping around litter): Yeah, complete with used diapers.
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: The Other
He Taught His Sons Semaphore So He'd Never Have to Walk on Sand Again
Tourist dad: Great communication, guys. Now I had to walk out here and get my feet all sandy.
--Ogunquit, Maine
Sex Tourism's Most Popular Souvenir
Random guy to little boy: Hey, you have fun today?
Little boy: Yeah, sure, but I still haven't found those crabs.
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
Yeah, Congratulations on Having Unprotected Prison Sex
Girl #1: Hey! I'm suprised you're even alive after last night!
Girl #2: Barely...and if Sharon realizes that there is a two-hour period where she doesn't know where Aaron and I were, Rikki's gonna be really mad... She's already mad and she has no idea what happened.
Girl #1: What? Why, what the hell happened when I went to bed?
Girl #2: Well, Sharon thinks Aaron and I were just cuddling since it was such a small bed we were sharing and that I just felt bad that he had to sleep on the floor, but Rikki is really convinced we hooked up.
Girl #1: Well, did you?
Girl #2: Obviously, but we were in Dan's room instead, so she doesn't even know what she's talking about... Wait, you're not mad I hooked up with him, are you?
Girl #1: God, no! I'm proud that you managed to do it in a cottage that small and no one knew! I was against your wall and I had no idea! High five!
--Wasaga Beach, Canadia
Overheard by: I'm Proud Too
Lest You Be Elected Den Mother Of an All-Gay Scout Troop
Mother: We're all set for the picnic!
Random gay dude: Oh, really? Yum! What'd you get us?
Mother: Uh, roast pork sandwiches.
Random gay dude: Ooooh, sounds good! (wanders off)
Mother (whispers): You have to be careful what you say around here.
--East Hampton, New York
Overheard by: pop pop
'Brokeback Mountain' Filled Him with Doubt
Guy trying to park his car: Honey, am I straight? Am I straight?
Wife: I damned well hope so.
--Grand Beach, Manitoba, Canadia
Overheard by: Shalamar
Or We'll Kill You
Girl (pointing to sign on lifeguard tower): Hah! I thought that said "Dying is dangerous and prohibited" for a sec.
Guy: You're crazy. It says "diving!"
Girl: (pause) I know. But.. oh, whatever.
Lifeguard: Yes--we have a very strict policy... No dying!
--Corona Del Mar Beach, California
Overheard by: Dee
Professional Fluffer?
Old lady to another: She would do anything for a marshmallow!
--Seaside, Oregon
Overheard by: Arianne
The Last Guy Who Had Her Was a Bit Rough
Customer: Can I have a Stella [Artois]?
Bartender: Ermm... She's not working today.
--Pool Bar, Ayia Napa, Cyprus
For the Same Reason the Back of Your Hand Looks Different from the Front
Little girl: Mommy, is this Lake Michigan?
Mom: Yes, honey.
Little girl: Then why doesn't it look like this in Chicago?
--Petoskey, Michigan
I'm Coming, but Not Coming Coming
Chick #1: So, yeah, he's still fuckin' with me... But not fucking fuckin' with me. Just with my head.
Chick #2: Oh, so he's not using his head to fuck with you. Just his other head?
Chick #1: Yep. You got it. It's a head fuck without the head.
Chick #2: Must be painful.
Chick #1: You don't fuckin' know the half of it.
--San Rafael, California
Overheard by: Head Games Suck, Or Not
The Semantic Golden Rule: Interpret Others As You Would Have Them Interpret You
Girl #1: I'm a literalist. If you say something to me, I'm going to take it literally. I'm also not a kidder. I do not kid.
--Coney Island, New York
But If you're offering, I'll be glad to take advantage of it
Girl #1 (as girl #2 drops towel around her waist): Showin' off the goods?
Girl #2: I don't need your sass mouth.
--Manhattan Beach, California
... And Because You Knocked Up Our Mom in the First Place
Mom (exasperatedly): Come on children, you guys going to give me heart failure!
Six-year-old: You going to give yourself heart failure, cause you wouldn't leave us alone.
--Bridgetown, Barbados
Shark: Don't Flatter Yourselves, Boys
Little brother: Aren't you glad we watched Shark Week when we were in North Carolina and not like, last night?
Big brother (sarcastically): Yeah. Great. Because sharks never come here.
Little brother: Well, at least it's not Florida. Or South Africa.
--Avon, New Jersey
In My Day We Called It "Getting In Trouble"
Teen girl with hands on stomach: Why do skinny girls get the bloat?
Mom: Is that what you call it?
--Nauset Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Blanket Once Removed
"Something About Mary" Just Made It To Australia
Ditzy blonde: Oh my god, Stuart, there is something gooey on my towel!
Stuart: Where did you get the towel from?
Ditzy blonde: Next to your bed.
Stuart: Oh, um...it must be hair gel!
--Terrigal, Australia
And It's Making Me Feel All Funny, Like When I Climb a Rope in Gym Class
Son (looking at man in Speedo): Mom! Look at that man! He's wearing a bikini without a top!
--Long Island, New York
George Patton Learns Why Children Make Bad Soldiers
Four-year-old boy, crouched behind a sand wall, yelling at friends running from waves: Hold your positions! I said, "Hold your positions!"
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Oh! Lance, You're....Not What I'd Been Led To Expect
Girl #1: Does Lance have a big peepee?
Girl #2: Yes, all the girls in town know! Ask his ex Barb.
--Kirkland, Washington
Overheard by: mike hunt
Other Than That It Was Great
Granddaughter: Did you have fun in Hong Kong?
Grandma: Well, yes, there was a lot of Asian food.
Grandpa: And the people were all shorter than you!
Granddaughter: Really...
--Jetty Road, Glenelg, Australia
Newsflash: Mexican Dishwashing Skills Put to Use in Local Beautification Project
Tourist: How do they get the sand so white? Do they bleach it or something?
Local: We wash it every day.
--Tulum, Mexico
Overheard by: Tulumbum
Twenty Minutes and Dozens of Claw Cuts Later, Mike Had His Answer
Random guy named Mike, after hitting on girl for twenty minutes: You know, I've always wondered, can crabs get crabs?
--Ship Bottom, Long Beach Island, California
Overheard by: beachweek '06
And You're Pretty Smart, Not Like a Blonde
Guy to couple: Hi!
Blonde wife: See, they're nice here, not like in California.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: cherry picker
If There Were a God, Lightning Would Have Struck Them Both at this Point
Hairy man with large dog, to four young women: Are you here for the day?
Hot woman: No, we're just leaving. We have an appointment.
Hairy man: Really? What? Mani...pedi?
Hot woman: No. Sailing in Sag.
--Fying Point Beach, Southampton, New York
Overheard by: lolo
Maybe Try the Saran Wrap Off a Sub
Drunk guy in line on cell: I don't see any rubbers here, so are you okay with "pull & pray?" (pause) You know I'm not gonna pull out, right?
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: I really hope they don't procreate...
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