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January 2009 Archives
A Poo-Poo Poltergeist, If You Will
Girl in bathroom stall: Eww, the pee on this seat is so bad I can't even wipe it up!
Friend: So don't sit on it.
Girl: I know, but I kinda wanted to poop...gotta do the lean, and it's gonna splash. Oh, wait, hmmmm... It's not there after all! It was a ghost poop.
--Rocks Off Concert Cruise, New York
So Be Careful Opening Me--I May Spray
Jogging man to jogging woman: I still have a jiggling six-pack.
--English Bay, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: if it's jiggling, it ain't no six-pack
Tonight's Movie: The Endless Bummer
Mom (to son #1): That's not all you're carrying! Take more. (to son #2) Good job, genius, you got sand in the cooler! (to both sons) Say goodbye to the beach, you'll never see it again.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mikey
Mom Hates the Cow Jokes, Y'know
Teen girl: What'cha doing, dad?
Father: Staring at the cow.
Teen girl (looking ahead): Where?
Father: In the water.
Teen girl (frantically looking at the sea): Where?!
Father: In my imagination.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: amused book-reader
But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him
Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I'm wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it's Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building's the one my buddy sold and now it's a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!
--Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
It Was Love at First Touch for Santa and Mrs. Claus
Girl on drugs, rubbing random person's stomach: Your belly feels like my belly, but on someone else!
--Byron Bay, Australia
First Trip to California?
Hot chick to guy friends: Oh my gosh, bimbo! Another bimbo! And another one! Bimbo!
--Del Mar, California
Or Just That Labia Piercing?
10-year-old boy to younger sister: Did you get a tramp stamp?
--Pt. Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kim
Sharks: Mmmm, Pulled Long Pork!
Kid: Wouldn't it suck if you had a boogie board with razor blades on it? It'd be like weeeee-aahhhhhhhh!
--Santa Monica, California
High School Musical? Please
Redhead to blonde: So I think he's gay, for serious, I'm not even kidding.
Blonde: What does your dad think?
Redhead: Oh, my dad says that he's "just playing."
Blonde: Little boys don't play like that.
--La Jolla, California
Should We Swim Out?
Punked out teenage girl #1 (looking at Monterey on the other side of the bay): What's that island over there?
Punked out teenage girl #2: Um, I think that's Japan.
Punked out teenage girl #1: Oh, yeah.
--Beach Boardwalk, Santa Cruz, California
That's What He Said!
Little kid on the beach: Ew! It smells like the ocean!
--Cape May, New Jersey
Overheard by: Megan
Some Parents Will Do Anything to Motivate Their Kids
Girl: Ah! Julian's so bad at paying attention to me when we aren't having sex! Wait, did I say that out loud?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Thinks The Grapes of Wrath Is a History of the Welch Family
Chick, passing another reading Brave New World: That girl was reading a book about Columbus, I think.
--East Matunuck State Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: it's got a Savage, but no Columbus
Every Family Has Its Secret Shame
Seven-year-old, loudly: What do you mean nana doesn't vote Democrat?!
--Cape May, New Jersey
Overheard by: The RJP
I Thought You Were Talking About Those Tourist Locals
Guy #1: Let's go local hunting.
Hot girl: I don't want to go fucking local hunting.
Guy #2: You should, it's mad fun. We went to this local party once and got kicked out.
Guy #1: Yeah, but we got the number of this kid who lives here.
Ugly girl: Wait. People live here?
--Westhampton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Doesn't live there
Two Rudes Just Make a Prude
Little girl, pointing at a couple making out: Hey! Look, daddy! We have to stop and stare now.
Dad: Shh! No, sweetie. What they are doing is rude, but staring is rude too.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Dear Mythbusters...
Tattooed, bare-chested male #1: You could definitely walk a dog out here.
Tattooed, bare-chested male #2: You cannot! If you bring a dog onto a hot ass fuckin' boardwalk, the heat does not escape through his balls or his tongue.
--Coney Island Boardwalk, New York
Overheard by: SMS
If Gigolos Were Allowed to Telemarket
Man on phone: How about I stick my penis in your vagina?
Woman on the other end of the phone, loudly: How bout...no.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: couldn't contain
No More Family Reunions for You, Missy
20-something girl #1: So everyone thinks that Nate gave Aric that hickey last night when they were joking around in the kitchen, and Brandon is kinda mad now, he already told Nate not to give other boys hickeys anymore.
20-something girl #2: Oh, poor Brandon, why does Nate do that?
20-something girl #1: Oh, that so wasn't what I was talking about, Nate didn't even do it!
20-something girl #2: What? How else would Aric have gotten it then? After the kitchen thing we all went to bed, didn't we?
20-something girl #1: Yes...
20-something girl #2: Wait, where did Aric sleep last night?
20-something girl #1: Um.
20-something girl #2: It was you! You hickeyed Aric! What are you, twelve?
--Sauble Beach, Ontario, Canada
I'll Take "What's in Her Underwear?" for $200, Alex
Redhead: Holy shit! A penis!
Blonde: What?
--Boardwalk, Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Boots
Just When You Thought Only Dirty Things Happened on Fire Island...
Drag queen, dressed as a princess with a mop: Come in and have a drink! Best place around!
Straight girl: What are you cleaning?
Drag queen: Girl, it gets messy around here, can't you see? (proceeds to use mop on girl's glasses)
--Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: Cordelia
Tonight, on House...
Little girl, screaming to mother on an excruciatingly hot day: Mommy, my eyes are sweating!
--Coney Island Beach, New York
And Started Wearing Prada Loafers
Girl #1: So...plans for tonight?
Girl #2: Yeah, actually. I'm going out with Beto. He just moved to Niterói with his boyfriend.
Girl #1: Wait. What? His *boyfriend*? So he finally came out, eh?
Girl #2: Well...he didn't come out per se. He just said, "So, this is my boyfriend, Bruno."
--Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
My Inflatable Girlfriend Never Made These Kinds Of Demands
20-something guy, imitating his girlfriend: Rub my back! Put your dick in me! Me, me, me!
--Santa Monica Beach, California
Overheard by: Diana
You Promised You'd Take Me to Harlem
Mother, holding one son in the ocean and calling another on shore: See? The water's fantastic. You have nothing to worry about.
Four-year-old son, crying: I don't want to die here!
--Palm Beach, Aruba
Then I'll Run for Vice-President of the United States
Chubby middle-aged woman to her male friend: First thing I'm going to do is lose a lot of weight, then I'm gonna get a chemical peel...
--Smith Point, Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: geo
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