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March 2009 Archives
It's a Wonderful Life
Cute Jewish on cell, to mother: Are you calling me just to fucking nag? Cuz if you are, I am hanging up. (pause) I don't know, I'm going to do what every Jew does on Christmas, go to the movies and eat Chinese food!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
The Wave Machine's a Little Cheesy, Though
Obnoxiously loud tourist on cell, watching lighthouse: Oh my god! You would just love it here! Everything is so cute and quaint! They even have a building that looks just like a real lighthouse! It lights up and everything!
--Holland State Park, Michigan
The Black Hole Of Calcutta Eventually Stumped Him
Guy selling belly and tongue rings: If you got the hole, we got the thing for it!
--Coney Island, New York
Emotionally
Guido in wife beater and jeans halfway down his ass: Anal sex hurts me.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Everybody Talks About Social Darwinism, but Only the Spanish Do It
American law student girl: So, you know, in Spain, why is there a beeping sound when the traffic signals change?
English barman: That's so that blind people know when the traffic has stopped.
American law student girl: Oh my god! You let blind people drive?
--Marbella, Spain
Overheard by: the future of justice...
Who Admits to Being a Hipster?
Girl: Do you hipsters wear glasses?
Boy: Only if it's not necessary.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Paperback Writer
And Yet You Paddle Like a White Lesbian
Inner city youth on kayak #1: You're paddling like a nigga.
Inner city youth on kayak #2: Shut up, you're black too!
--Catalina Island, California
Overheard by: DanO
And the KGB.
Girl: I'm really allergic to bugs, so that's why I'm scared of jellyfish.
--Destin, Florida
Overheard by: right, because jellyfish are just really big bugs
Though the Mailman's Been Known to Go for Rides on It
Townie broad #1: You can tell how a man treats a woman by how he treats his bike.
Townie broad #2: Bill keeps his in the garage and hasn't ridden it in five years.
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Fictional Fucking Is So Much Neater Than the Real Thing
Old woman #1: So did you get that dirty book I was talking about?
Old woman #2: No, I couldn't find it. They don't sell them at Barnes and Noble. I have to look on Amazon.
Old woman #1: The one I read is really graphic. This girl is this room, watching two people doing it.
Old woman #2: Yeah, I'm saving some of them to read on the plane ride.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: caySAYhey
Like Ninjas, Popes Start Training As Children
Little boy to friend: You wouldn't even know about Jesus if it wasn't for me!
--Wild Wood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Andie
Otherwise Known As Britney's New Fragrance Believe
Girl: I like the smell of that. What is it?
Guy: Garbage.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: zsaint
And Prince
Aunt, looking up at the stars: What is that?
Nephew: Is this the southern or northern hemisphere?
Aunt (giggling): I have no idea.
Cousin, without looking up : That's Orion. You can see Meissa, the star at the top, that's its head. The really bright one is Rigel, that's supposed to be the knee. If you follow the constellation downwards you'll see Sirius.
(blank dumbfounded looks)
Cousin: That's, um, where the aliens from V come from.
Aunt, completely understanding : Ohhhh!
--Beaches of Koh Sumet, Thailand
Or Am I Thinking Of Kim Jong-il?
Surfer bro: Wait, isn't Barack Obama one-half Jamaican?
--Santa Cruz, California
Oddly, She Also Says This During Cunnilingus
Obnoxious blonde instructor to riding student: That was beautiful! It looked like water ballet!
--Horse Show, West Palm Beach, Florida
By an Angel?
Girl #1 to girl #2 at concert, after girl #2 comes back from talking to band: Are you okay? You didn't get touched, did you?
--Walton Beach, Florida
So I Can Check That Off My Bucket List
Cyclist to another: I ran into Jerry Seinfeld and I said, "Jerry, you sold out."
--Bike Path, Santa Monica, California
No More Degrassi for You, Young Lady
Ten-year-old girl to mother, excitedly: I have the right to choose!
--Royal Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Penelope
We Don't Know, Either
Black woman to toddler running wild: Tyrone, get yo' black ass over here or I will spank you like a white man!
--Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: White girl
You Always Jump Up and Down After Sex, Right?
Obnoxious girl #1: You must just have an abnormal period or something.
Obnoxious girl #2: Yeah, cause you're definitely not pregnant.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: j and kris
As Depicted in Debbie Does Dorsal-Fins
Drunk guy to girl: Hey, heeeeey. Sometimes I think about dolphins.
Girl (annoyed): Okay...
Drunk guy: Yes! See, they have sex for pleasure, like humans.
(girl giggles and walks away with friends)
--Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia
Let's Go Find the Slot Machine Your Mother's Tied to
Kid, looking out at the Atlantic ocean: Is that the ocean?
Dad: I think it's one of the great lakes.
--Boardwalk, Atlantic City, New Jersey
How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step
Man #1, stopping at free sample of fuge: Ohhh, fudge.
Man #2: Damn! It has nuts in it.
Man #1: I like nuts of all kinds.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
God, I Miss Roseanne
20-something woman #1: She was bitching about how there was nothing to eat in the house, and so Bob* said, "you could go to the store," and she said, "I don't go to the store on my vacation. There are two things I don't do on vacation: go to the store and cook."
20-something woman #2: What is she even on vacation from? Sitting on her ass?
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
When I Was Supposed to Be Attending My Daughter's Graduation
58-year-old woman: I executed 23 successful ops in my Utopia game last night.
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
You Said I Could If I Was Good, Mom
Waspy overexcited college guy: And then after? Can we suck helium? Please!
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: kgw
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