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April 2009 Archives
He Was Even Female for About a Month in 2004
Teen meathead #1: What are you?
Teen meathead #2: 100% Italian.
Teen meathead #1: Oh, really? That's mad cool.
Teen meathead #2: Yeah, but my brother is all different things--he's like Jewish and Irish and stuff.
--Lido Beach West, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: ally
If Only There Was a Way We Could Both Get What We Want
Woman #1: Now you see that dude right there? That one in the green swim trunks.
Woman #2: Okaaaaay, yeah, I see him. The one with the red hair that's skimboarding?
Woman #1: Yeah, him. Now, I would so hook up with him. Look at those abs. Don't you just wanna run your hands all over him?
Girl slathered in tanning oil, staring at them: That's my boyfriend.
Woman #2: Oh. How long have you guys been going out?
Girl: Four months. What's it to you?
Woman #1: Just weighing our chances.
Girl: Chances of what?
Woman #2: Sleeping with him.
(girl makes disgusted noise and walks away).
Woman #2: Don' t worry, Shar. She's hideous. We'll follow them when they leave and the next time they go to a club or something, we'll hunt him down and get what we want.
Woman #1: We always do. Wait...which one of us gets to sleep with him? (they glance at each other, saying nothing) I've got a bigger rack.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: Matilda
Did You Go to High School in North Carolina?
Dumb blonde: It's not "labia Menorah"?
Friend: No, that's the Jewish thing.
Dumb blonde: So what is it then?
--Siesta Key, Florida
Now Go Make Friends
Mother: Do you know how dogs introduce themselves to each other?
Eight-year-old daughter: No, how?
Mother: They sniff each other's butts.
--Guam
Overheard by: Nadine
A Lesson Every Proper Young Lady Must Eventually Learn
Girl #1: You need to learn to give off a "piss off" vibe. Follow my lead.
Girl #2 (to drunk groping her): If you fucking touch me one more time I'll cut off your balls!
Girl #1: Or just do that...
--Bondi Beach, Australia
In a Perfect Sperm-Free Universe
Russian lesbian #1: Oh, look at her! She's hot! What a gorgeous body she has!
Russian lesbian #2: Oh, yeah, she is perfect!
Russian lesbian #1: That's the kind of chick your daughter would go for in a minute.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Little Odessa
Where Would Human Civilization Be Without That Phrase?
Mom to young child eating a Popsicle: Stop putting that in your mouth! It's done, there's nothing left.
Young woman nearby: That's what he said.
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Overheard by: Tara
No, That's What Your Mother Refuses to Give Me
Guy to daughter: Okay, here's one: Oink, oink!
Daughter: That's a pig!
Guy: Cock-a-doodle-do!
Daughter: That's a...morning chicken.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Here4theLaughs
To Be Fair, There Are Some Syringes in There, Too
Tourist: What happened to the beach? It's like...buried in sand!
--Mantoloking Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Shanna
Death Drives American
Drunk guy to drunk friend, seeing approaching car: Hey! Watch out for death!
--Terrigal, Australia
Couldn't We Just Have Played Wii Beach?
Guy walking on the sand: I fucking hate the beach! I hate sand and it's not getting any better. Look, more sand!
--Jones Beach, New York
Amazing Anything Can Live on the New Jersey Coast
Guido mom to small boy holding a horseshoe crab: Eww! What is that?
Random Guido: Is it a stingray?
Guido mom: Do stingrays even live in the ocean?
--Belmar, New Jersey
You'll Look for Any Excuse to Bring Up Denny's
Boy #1: So "home run" means "married with babies"?
Boy #2: Yeah, but I like Grand Slams the best.
--Penfield Beach, Connecticut
How Leslie Finagles Free Movies from Half the Guys in Cape May
Guy: Two for Wanted.
Pregnant girl: You don't need to buy my ticket. I brought money.
Guy: It's the least I could do, after knocking you up.
Pregnant girl: Good point.
--Cape May, New Jersey
Many Adults Make the Same Face for Both
Bald man to baby on blanket (in baby voice): Do you have somethin' to say? Are you thinkin'? Are you thinkin'? Yes you are.
Woman next to him: He's pooping.
Bald man: Are you poopin'? Are you poopin'? Yes you are!
--Sunset Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Emma
And, for the Last Time, That's Not a Scorpion Bite
30-something mom dragging toddler down path: What do you mean your legs hurt? You're four years old! My legs don't even hurt and I'm like three times your age!
--Bay Shore, Long Island, New York
How New Jersey Got Most of Its Population
Tourist: How do I get to the beach?
Local #1: Get on the 8 and go east.
Tourist: Thanks.
(tourist leaves)
Local #2: You're sending her east.
Local #1: Fuck her, she didn't say which beach.
--Pacific Beach, California
Can't Be Hard to Find in a Bee Cup
Southern blonde to older, female family members: Aaaah, there's a bee in my titties!
(commotion ensues)
Sketchy guy, loudly: I'll look for it if you want.
--San Juan Beach, Puerto Rico
Which Is Why I'm Oddly Drawn to Starbucks Coffee
Drunk girl: I think I am sexually attracted to fire.
Sober girl: Yeah...let me know how that goes.
Drunk girl: It burns, but I gotta admit I love the smell of burning pubic hair in the morning.
--Gold Coast, Australia
Because a Watched Sea Never Boils.
Enraptured girl, watching sunset with boyfriend: I just love it when the sun sinks into the sea like this! But I have a question...
Boy: Huh? What?
Girl, turning serious: Why doesn't the sea boil?
--Kauai, Hawaii
Whether She Enjoyed It or Not
Latino guy #1: I'm gonna fuck her so hard she'll feel it in her culo.
Latino guy #2: If she really loved you, she'd let you stick it in her culo.
--Boardwalk, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Geni
You May Have to Steal Uncle Gadget's Hydrocar...
Blond overtanned guy: Wow, I would rather like to be laying on the beach in Spain right now!
Blond overtanned girl: Yeah, and we could like drive down to Mexico and stuff!
Blond overtanned guy: Hmm...no. You don't drive down to Mexico from Spain...
Blond overtanned girl: Oh! Wrong direction? Is it to the left?
--Nauthólsvík Beach, Iceland
Overheard by: the guy who wishes he wasn't blonde
Let Me Guess-- You're Itching to Talk About It?
Little girl, running happily: Mom, dad!
Little boy: Guess what we caught!
Both, in perfect unison: Crabs!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: the girl who received dirty looks from the parents for laughing
You Know the Rules
Skinny white guy: I think I need to go sit in the shade for a while.
Skinny less-white guy: What?! If you are going to talk crazy, I need you to be drunk.
--Will Rogers Beach, Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Panda
That's How I Spend My Christmas Bonus
Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: girl #1
...To Go with My Cocoa Butter.
Girl to friend: Can I have some of your penis jelly?
--Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
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