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August 2009 Archives
We're Gonna Pretend He's Using It to Lubricate the Ceiling Fan
Redneck dude: Hey man, can I borrow some suntan lotion?
Yuppie dude: Sure! (squirts some in his hand)
Redneck dude: Thanks, guy! (walks back to hotel room)
--St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: ikki nikki
You Need a Boyfriend, Lucille
Girl #1: You know what would feel really good?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: If you jizzed on my back.
--Oceanside Beach, California
...You Could Almost Ignore the Missing Teeth
Bro to another: Tequila out of her nipples, and...
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Ladle
How to Come Out to Your Mom: A Teenager's Guide
Teenage son: Mom, did dad ever kiss me? Like when I was little?
Mom: Your dad kissed you.
Teenage son: Yeah, but did he ever kiss me on the lips?
Mom: I'm not sure what you're asking.
--Cannon Beach, Oregon
Overheard by: Ann
...I'm Sally, by the Way.
Girl to boy: Look at the sea otters! So romantic! ...touch my breasts.
--Tacoma, Washington
...Just Like Dear Abby Recommends.
Girl to friend: Fuck me up the ass, just don't tell me you love me!
--Manitowoc, Wisconsin
Even Abusive Relationships Are Better at the Beach
Teenage girl: Aw, look at the little kid. He's digging a hole to nowhere. How cute!
Teenage boy, completely serious: He's digging to China, you stupid bitch!
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Marie
Even If It Throws Up?
Drunk girl to drunker boyfriend: It's better to throw up than give up!
Hobo: Respect the pussy!
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
Overheard by: AlwaysGoodAdvice
When Californian Children Are Born to Otherwise Normal Canadian Parents
Teenage girl in expensive yoga pants to meek mother: Move to France? Why the hell would I move to France? That's the dumbest thing I've heard you say in, like, forever. Stop trying to live your, like, stupid dreams and stuff through me!
--Coffee Shop in the Beach, Toronto, Canadia
Sometimes the Cure's Worse Than the Disease, Though
Beach guy #1: We need to find some slutty girls tonight.
Beach guy #2: Yeah, sluts are great for hangovers.
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jellyfish Jaq
Then Why Do You Keep Making Me the Designated Driver?
Six-year-old boy, fully dressed in Lacoste: I am almost your age.
Father, fully dressed in Lacoste: You are not almost my age.
--Atlantis Resort & Casino, Bahamas
Take It Up with God, Lady.
Tourist: What time is high tide today?
Lifeguard: I think it's around 6:30.
Tourist: Why don't you just have it at the same time every day?
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
He Was All, "Monkey See You, Monkey Do You"
Girl to friend: It was like crazy monkey sex... and then he just left.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: D
And Break the Kosher Laws!
Little girl: If a pig spits in your eye, you'll get the flu.
--Takapuna Beach, Auckland, New Zealand
For God's Sake, I'm Starting to Think, Here!
Man, to himself: I wish we were back at the condo so I could watch tv. I can only sit here and watch nothing for so long.
--Fripp Island, South Carolina
Says So in the Brochure
Teenage girl: I can't wait to get a tattoo on my lower back.
Tween boy #1: Why would you want a tattoo there? How are you going to be able to see it?
Tween boy #2: It's not for her, stupid, it's for the dudes she lets do her in the butt doggy-style.
--St. Simon's Island, Georgia
Overheard by: John
The Problem Might Be Quality, Not Quantity-- Just a Guess, Hon
Old lady, walking with husband: I don't really understand the problem. I mean, I throw more parties than the college kids!
--Pennfield Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Meg
Put the Super Soaker Down, Bobby.
Young child, chasing friends: The only way to kill fish is by using acid! The only way to kill fish is by using acid!
--Jetty, South Australia
He'll Have His Own Travel Show Within Six Months
Man with thick Russian accent to group of dancing girls: Shake it, shake it!
(seriously) But do not break it.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Weirdest. Carnival Game, Ever.
Girl to surfer boy: If your dick is big as this ice cream I'll throw the ice cream in the trash and lick your dick!
--Santa Monica, California
Why There's a Obesity Epidemic: Explained
Dad to misbehaving child: Do you want chocolate or a slap?
--Nantasket Beach, Massachusetts
Um, Officially I Was "Just Chubby" and My Daughter Is My Little Sister
Beach lady #1: Oh girls, last night I was watching 16 and Pregnant.
Beach lady #2: My daughter watches that. Well, I think it is stupid! That would suck for those girls.
Beach lady #1: How stupid are these kids these days? That's why my daughter uses safe sex.
Beach lady #2: Wait, weren't you pregnant at 16?
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Emily
"Book Smart," I Should've Said
Woman to another, trying to get support to protect the seals: Yeah, my daughter's friend wants to be a marine biologist. She is so smart.
Daughter's friend, in confused voice: Hey, I got gum on my camera.
--Children's Beach, La Jolla, California
As Befits a Vacation in Cumbria
Girl looking at others on beach: What freaks!
Guy: Emma, I'm waving a spatula and you're counting waves.
Girl: Logic accepted.
--St. Bees, England
Would It Help If You Stopped Chewing Gum?
Woman on surfboard to another: And now my husband wants me to play with his balls while I'm giving him a blowjob. Who does he think I am? I can't even do this! (tries to pat head and rub stomach at the same time)
--Flat Island, Kailua, Hawaii
Overheard by: TheHammstr
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