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September 2009 Archives
I'm Hoping Sardines Are Happier in the Can Than in the Wild
Girl: Can fish die from loneliness?
--Lowestoft, England
Overheard by: Sarah
Oh, It's Already Been Bratwurst!
Unshaven surfer on cell: No, no, no! Do you want me to bring Schnitzel?
--Bondi Beach, Australia
And Often Swim in Water or Other Liquid.
Loud woman, about sting rays: They have a six-foot wingspan of five to six feet.
--Sea Life Park, Honolulu, Hawaii
The Best Sales Pitch We've Heard in a While
Hobo, singing among crowd of people: Jingle bells, jingle bells, help me get drunk!
--Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Just a Midwestern girl who's new in LA
Immigrants: The New El Nino.
Black tween girl to girlfriend on cell: It's mad hot out, you deported Dominican.
--Bergen Beach, New York
Overheard by: its not THAT hot out
Will the Empire-Waist Shirt Never Die?
Old lady looking at 30-something lady with a pot belly: Oh, how nice! How far along are you?
30-something lady: I beg ya pardon?
Old lady, smiling: Well, when are you due honey? The baby!
30-something lady: I'm not pregnant! This is how I look!
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
May I Demonstrate?
Frat guy trying to get to house behind closed gate: Dude, what the hell?
Teen girl on balcony across street: Boy, to open that gate you gotta' open yo' legs!
--Seaside, Florida
Here's a Status Report Form.
Girl: I think I'm horny... Maybe I just have to pee.
Friend: Go pee, then get back to me.
--San Diego, California
Craig Learns That Some Things Only Sound Like Fun
Loud, drunk sorostitute leaving bar to drunk frat boy: When we get back, I'm gonna piss all over your pussy.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Your Editors Predict Big Things for That Soft Drink
20-something guy, screaming to total stranger: My dick is, like, totally swollen, bro!
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Nic
...I Just Use This One to Reach It
Small child, screaming: Do you have a boat?
Man in giant boat off shore: Yes.
--North Carolina
Overheard by: jen
Mary Protected Jesus As Long As She Could
Little boy wearing rash guard: Mom, that little boy isn't wearing a shirt.
Mom: Mmm-huh.
Little boy: Why doesn't he have to wear a shirt?
Mom: Because his mom doesn't love him, that's why. He'll get skin cancer and die.
--Salisbury Beach, Massachusetts
...in California
Trashy looking blonde, as two girls walk into a party: Ew, why are there smart people here?
--Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: smart people
She Has Only Clients
Teenage girl to boyfriend: Ew, look. Haley is over there. Whore. She comes here like every day with nothing better to do.
Boyfriend: We come here every day, too.
Teenage girl: Yeah but at least we like, have friends.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Four Being the Tipping Point for Homosexuality
Naked guy #1: My girlfriend thinks it's weird that you and I come here every weekend.
Naked guy #2: Why? Did you tell her Mike and Rob come too?
Naked guy #1: Nah dude, I don't want her to think we're gay.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
...While You're Sleeping.
Drunk guy to drunk friends: I love you from the base of my penis!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Allison
You Can Call It "Baby Weight" Until the Baby Leaves for College
Flabby mom in bikini, having picture taken with three kids: Honey, come stand in front of mommy's tummy.
--Penfield Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
...You're Ruining This Sex!
Girl: It's funny, when I first met you, you were a virgin, and now you fuck everybody!
Guy, whining: Shut up!
--Smith Point, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tom and Katie
I Wish I Had the Memory Span Of a Goldfish
Teenage boy #1, neck deep in water: Aw, dude! My phone was in my pocket!
Teenage boy #2: (silence)
Teenage boy #1: Dude! I just found a hundred dollar bill!
Teenage boy #2: (silence)
Teenage boy #1: Man, I love that Xbox 360.
Teenage boy #2: Yeah man, yeah!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
But I Like Tapping My Foot While Pooping!
Girl to boyfriend: I have to go to the bathroom.
Boyfriend: Okay, but just don't let anyone hit on you there.
--St. Simon's Island, Georgia
Overheard by: Layla
According to My Big Book Of Ways to Make Kids Cry
Little kid to mom, as storm is coming: If thunder claps while you're in the water, you're gonna die!
--Pawley's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Running for Cover
Why Seagulls Are Known As the Obsessive Compulsives Of the Animal Kingdom
Ditzy college girl to friends, about seagulls on a dock: This might be stupid, but are those birds? They're so evenly spaced!
--Lewiston, New York
Overheard by: Lauren
The Tragic Part Is, She's Trying to Say "Gaydar"
Woman to six-year-old son and friends: Wait, so do you pronounce it "Jäger" or "gay-ger"?
--Del Mar, California
Certainly Leaves a Sour Taste in My Mouth
Woman in red dress to friend: I ain't get none of my lemonade! They drank it up like savages!
--Coney Island, New York
We Call Her the Nostradamus Of Women's Health
Woman to husband, pointing at fat girl: Is she pregnant?
Husband: I don't know.
Woman: I'll ask Beth, Beth knows everything.
--Centennial Beach, British Columbia, Canadia
Gonna Be Everybody's Naptime
Hipster teen on cell: No, dude, I'm not sober. I'm totally drunk and I have to babysit in less than an hour!
--Alki Beach, Seattle, Washington
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