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December 2009 Archives
I Just Realized How Much I Miss The Golden Girls
Large mother to screaming child: Stop that screeching or I'll cut out your larynx!
Large mother to large sister: Where did she learn to screech like that?
Large sister: I don't know, ask the one in the wheelchair. (points to grandmother in wheelchair)
--Ocean City, Maryland
Those Two Kidneys Were Just Unsightly
Teenage girl #1: To make a long story short, she was pretty pissed that they removed the wrong one.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah... But either way it was probably an improvement.
--Huntington Beach, California
I'm Looking to Upgrade
Woman walker #1: I would never go out with him--his head is huge, his clothes are always wrinkled, and he doesn't shower.
Woman walker #2: Ugh.
Woman walker #1: Besides, he smokes.
Woman walker #2: But you smoke, too!
Woman walker #1: I know, but I never date smokers.
--Lake Miramar, California
Overheard by: El Meech
Or "Horseshoe Crabs Aren't Fuckbuddies"
Girl to friend: Swimming without lifeguards is awesome. There's nobody to say, "hey, no splash fights", or "you can't have that fifth of vodka in the water!"
--Madison Beach, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Also Drinking
I Think They Still Get Points for a Liver-Stab, Jimmy
Dude #1: Wouldn't it be cool if you could just get surgery to switch your heart and, say, your liver?
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: Then, if someone came up to you and said, "I'm gonna stab you in the heart!" you could be like, "I'd like to see you try!"
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Suprchick
Semen + Sand = Concrete
Old cougar: It was good ole fashioned hanky panky. Fun, but definitely not worth all the sand that got up there.
--Canadia
Gosh, I Miss Middle School.
Girl to friends on boardwalk: Were you there when that naked guy walked into the shower?!
--Jones Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: BGonz
Should All Jane Austen Novels Be Burned? Discuss.
Girl #1: Can you get promoted?
Girl #2: Well, right now I have like the highest position I can have, unless, like, I work my ass off and get promoted to another part of the company. But I'm just not that motivated. My goal is to just get married and not have to work.
Girl #1, laughing: Yeah, I think that's everyone's goal.
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tara
The Warden Won't Let Us Bring It Into the Prison
20-something girl: We can't make Eric a "sorry you got raped" cake anymore.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Australian Life, Encapsulated
Girl #1, in shade: Wanna go down to the water?
Girl #2: Sure!
Girl #2, in water: Wanna go back to the tree?
Girl #1: Yeah. I do.
--Sydney, Australia
...Due to That Shirt You're Wearing.
Boy: So are we ready to go?
(no response)
Boy: Hey!
Girl: Sorry, my eyes were closed.
--Oceanside Beach, California
Now I'm Objectifying Older Women Like a Pro!
Guy to another: Dude! I had to google "milf", I didn't know what it meant!
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Where Did You Even Get a Bikini Top?
Woman with three-year-old boy: Dude, you are freaking mommy out!
--Beach 6, Presque Isle, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
"...Do I Have to Bleach It?"
Chubby tourist: So then I was like, "Okay, anal is something I'd really wanna try."
--Beach 6, Presque Isle, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
Chris Kattan's Career Is Pretty Much at a Standstill
Bell boy: I applied to be a dancer on a cruise ship, and I totally had the body for it. I had a six pack, borderline eight pack. Plus, I have a mango dick. What am I supposed to do with that now?
--Honolulu, Hawaii
...And So Different from Daddy's
Shopping woman #1: I really like the crabs.
Shopping woman #2: Oh, me too. The crabs are great.
--Duck, North Carolina
Overheard by: Better you than me
...Until the Guy Who Hates Gays Showed Up.
20-something Hamptons girl: And it was like me and John, and then like ten other people we didn't know in this big house. It was like The Real World! And... it was awesome!
--Cupsogue Beach, Westhampton, New York
Overheard by: wondering where this story began
Miss Labia Science Couldn't Help Feeling Proud
Teenage girl to friend: Ew! You just slapped your condensation on me!
--Block Island, Rhode Island
Overheard by: diorette
Also Why She Doesn't Let Him Go to Sports Stadiums
Frantic Italian woman to toddler walking along shore: Stay away from the waves! Stay away from the waves!
--Seawatch Beach, Manasquan, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mimi
Paul Revere: Everybody Gets That Wrong
15-year-old to mother and sister: Two for the pink, one for the stink.
Mother, laughing: Who taught you that?
15-year-old: Dad.
--Boat in Kaneohe Bay, Hawaii
Overheard by: Pro Forced Sterilization
Wasn't That One Of the Labors Of Hercules?
Woman to friends, as they decide where to set up: Let's look for a part of the beach that isn't so sandy, y'all!
--Kill Devil Hills, Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: R U Serious?
Jimmy Hoffa's Body?
Woman in large family group, to waitress: What else is in crab meat?
--Seafood House, Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Pass the Old Bay, please.
I Told You to Wear Sunblock
15-year-old standing on his friend: Woah, I can totally feel your spinal cord!
--Santa Cruz, California
Snoop Dogg Is Taking That Under Advisement
Teenage surfer to dad: You're too old to get high!
--La Jolla, California
Tina Once Gave Her Phone Number to a Chimpanzee
16-year-old girl holding sand crab: Look! I found a frog... or something.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ashley
Maybe Slip Through a Crack in the Space-Time Continuum
Guy to friend, in thick New York accent: Let's go on the cyclone and get the fuck outta here!
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Preston
Tattoos Are So Hard to Arrange
Gay man to another: You are to florist shops as others are to tattoo parlors.
--St. Michaels, Maryland
Overheard by: I am to shoe stores
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