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January 2010 Archives
Well Can I at Least Kick My Brother?
Little girl: Daddy, can I kick the birds?
Dad: No.
Little girl: Why not?
Dad: Birds are nice!
--Santa Monica, California
One Doesn't Expect Delays in Latin America
French backpacker waiting for bus, in heavy French accent: Please, someone take a picture of this obnoxiousnezz!
--Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica
Overheard by: RaindanceRichard
Honestly, Is There Any Milk in a "Milkshake?"
Bimbo #1, happily: It's so thick!
Bimbo #2, wide-eyed: Did you slap it?
Bimbo #1: No, I poked it.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Emmy
Overheard Editors: Is She One Of Us?
Little girl: Why is the ghost still here?
Dad: She just likes to come back and say hi from the spirit world.
Little girl: But why does she throw books?
Dad: She doesn't throw books, she just likes to read. And she's a little drunk.
--Hotel Del Coronado, San Diego, California
Hopefully Only Sorrows Will Be Drowned Today.
Mother to five-year-old son: If anything happens get help from a lifeguard. Mommy's gonna be at the bar.
--Blizzard Beach, Disney World, Florida
Such a Small Area, So Many Problems
20-something girl #1, coming out of water: Oh my god! I got stage fright, I couldn't go.
20-something girl #2: Oh, there's Danielle!! (points down to beach)
20-something girl #1: As soon as she gets here we're going back in, I have to pee so badly!
20-something girl #2: Hey, Danielle!
Danielle: Ohmigod, you guys! My herpes burns so badly!
(all three walks into water)
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Sweedie
...Though I Guess the Cow Also Works.
Girl, handing beach towel to gay guy: Here. This one's for you cuz it's got fruit on it.
Gay guy: Oh, I'm sorry. Where's the one with a bitch on it for you?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
You Still Need a Haircut
Loud gay man: Oh my gosh! Last time I saw you I was fucking your ass!
--Hillcrest, California
Overheard by: Brit-ta-nee
Our SATs Have Tanning and Waxing Sections
High school girl #1: Wait, Muhammad Ali the boxer or the dictator?
High school girl #2: What planet do you come from where Muhammad Ali is a dictator?
High school girl #1: Florida.
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Raise Your Hand If You're Sick Of Eminem
Sweaty dude on boardwalk: I wrote a poem the other day. Wanna hear it?
Sweaty female companion, jogging away: Aw, hell no!
--Tampa, Florida
Teenage Girls: Encapsulated.
14-year-old girl to friends: Yeah, I'm not a whore... I'm just popular.
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Is It My Turn to Talk?
Old fisherman: Don't be tanglin' your lines up with mine, son!
Younger fisherman: You want a beer?
Old fisherman: I saw a UFO fly right under that bridge one time.
Younger fisherman: You need a haircut.
--Creaky Dock, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
You Should Stay Out Of Kraft Singles Bars
Woman #1: And I gave him the cheese. Then he said he'd kill me. And he told me exactly how he'd kill me.
Woman #2: That's horrible!
--Miami, Florida
Overheard by: ...what?
A Metaphor for the Economy
Hobo: Happy holidays! Skate or die!
--Pacific Beach Boardwalk, San Diego, California
Overheard by: OB Dave
I'd Hoped to Be Fat in My Own Way
Adorable little girl: Daddy, I want a hamburger!
Bitter dad: No, hamburgers will make you fat. Do you want to be fat like your mommy? Is that what you want?
--3rd Street Promenade, Santa Monica, California
If Not As Much As Your Daughter.
Woman #1: How are you, Sam? I haven't seen you forever.
Woman #2: We need to catch up more often. How are you?
Woman #1: Don't even ask. Only a couple of weeks ago I realized I had crabs, and just yesterday I found out my daughter has herpes. (sighs)
Woman #2: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. At least you're getting some action.
--Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Marissa
...Have You Ever Played Second Life?
Dirty surfer to disinterested hippie girl: I mean, I do something for the military that nobody else does, no one has ever been able to do. It's tracking a submarine, underwater, tracking exactly where it is and where it goes, without using sonar, or any technology, or detection devices. They don't know how I do it, and I won't tell them, but I do it. I've won awards for it.
--Ala Moana Blvd. honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
We Also Would Have Accepted: "...But It Just Got Better"
Lifeguard: Yo! The beach ain't no good! I said the beach ain't no good today! (sees attractive woman walking toward the beach) Hey there, listen, the beach isn't good today, okay?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Nikki
Except She Was Grape Flavored
Teen girl reading rope candy wrapper at snack bar: 24 inches of flavor and fun!
Random middle aged hobo: Sounds like a midget I used to date!
--San Clemente, California
Like They Do with Our Astroturf Lawn
Chubby eight-year-old boy, walking and kicking sand up with his feet: Woah! Ma! Look at this! They've even got real sand here!
Exasperated mom, clutching French fries: No shit! It's real sand! Buying fake sand would be dumb. Everyone would steal it.
--The Bahamas
Overheard by: Fake sand maker
...Is This Milkshake in My Ears??
Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh... What?
Girl: Oh. Uh... what?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: tner
Just Breathe a Little Water and We're Good
Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn't have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin' someone in the ding-dong ain't gonna kill them.
Man: It might.
--Destin, Florida
Is That a Challenge?
Little girl, very afraid of the toilet: No!
Girl's frustrated mother: Go to the bathroom. It's not going to hurt you. I promise!
Girl: No!
Mother: Please! I'll be standing right here. Nothing will happen.
Girl: No no no no no!
Mother: Goddammit, Kylie! You can't hold you poop in forever!
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Millie
Which, Technically, Is Only Possible If You're Attractive
Blonde teen: I don't know what she's doing, pole dancing isn't even sexy.
Teen boy: It is, if you do it right!
--Ocean Beach, Fire Island, New York
...With Another Personality.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he would be cute if he had better teeth.
Teen girl #2: Or a smaller nose.
Teen girl #3: He'd be cute if he was completely different.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
No More McDonald's for You, Pal
Hot dad: No, it's because I prefer other foods.
Small boy clinging to his back: Like people poopy?
--Vancouver Sea Walk, Canada
Overheard by: Rosie
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