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February 2010 Archives
I Keep All Mine in My Pants
Drunk guy yelling in hallway: I know I've been drinking all day, but you're the one that doesn't got their shit together!
--Huntington Beach, California
So Narcissism...Makes Me Look Fat?
Girl #1: What do you say when people ask about me?
Girl #2: "She's a narcissistic freak."
Girl #1: What kind of narcissist am I?
Girl #2: (stares blankly)
Girl #1: A pretty oneee.
Girl #2: You want me to lie to you?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Just kidding--you're not not pretty.
Girl #1: What?!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: You're saying I'm not ugly but I'm not pretty.
Girl #2: You're in limbo between pretty and ugly, so being mean to me makes you ugly.
--Kure Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Bee
Moral: You Should Always Take Your Camera When There's the Chance There Will Be Lesbians.
Teen male #1: I just saw two lesbians kissing in the water.
Teen male #2: What? Why didn't you take a fucking picture?
Teen male #1: Right, I forgot to take my camera phone with me while diving into the water...
--North Crete, Greece
...Starring Will.i.am As John the Baptist
Band kid to another: It was both gay and funny, like Jesus and Fergie combined.
--Palm Coast, Florida
Overheard by: Dahbuke
And the Tour Guide Was Like, "This Is Your Congressman."
Biker's lady to biker: He had this plastic bag of poison ivy and was rubbing it on his face...
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
I've Also Decided I'm an Elderly Asian Woman This Week
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm on the beach. I told you, I'm in the Caribbean this week.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: debbie downer
Elizabeth: 0 Ice Cream Man: 1
Limping girl with bandages and arm in a sling: I dunno, he started driving away so I just grabbed on.
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Max
Then That Toast You Made Me for Breakfast Was All Lies?
Mom to toddler: Do not take your bathing suit off! You can't walk around naked! We're not French!
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
You Should Take It Through the Carwash Today
Teen boy on beach, moving desperately: Holy fuck, there's something in my shorts!
Teen floozy in too-tight hot pink rubber bands: No shit, Sherlock. I was riding it last night.
--Tybee, Georgia
Overheard by: Sunbather pining for her girlfriend
The Apple Gets Adam and Steve in Trouble
Queer #1, holding apple core: Is this biodegradable?
Queer #2, driving: Yes!
Queer #1: Okay! (tosses it out the window)
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
What Could Be Safer Than Anal?
White trash girl to friend: Whatever, I'm on my period, so I'm not even worried about it.
Gay male friend: You can still get pregnant on your period, I think.
(awkward silence)
White trash girl, laughing: You are such a fucking retard.
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ryan L
Hey, Jews Are More Than a Side Dish
Hot tan girl reading specials board: Does that say tuna and Jews?
Hot pale girl: Um, no. That says "with chips."
--Crazy Gringo, Weirs Beach, New Hampshire
Drools a Lot, Though
Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, "my nipples don't argue."
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: raerae
At Least, I Think It Was Mine
50-something woman: My pee was sort of yellowish today!
Younger friend: (nods earnestly)
--Mission Valley, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Thank Goodness!
Doesn't Your Watch Have an App for That?
Girl #1: I lost my fucking phone the other day.
Girl #2: Oh no, I hate when that happens.
Girl #1: I know, right? I never know what the time is now!
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne
Overheard by: Alex
...And Pass the Vodka
Snorkel guide: The blue belt is for the strong swimmer. The orange belt is for... the weaker swimmer.
Man to wife: You better get the orange belt.
Wife: Hey, shut up!
--Jamaica
Overheard by: Peeto the Cheeto
My Cancer Never Forgets Me
Southern belle: If I had gotten on that boat, I would have met the man of my dreams. We would have had an amazing time and I would have fallen madly in love. Then I'd go back to Arkansas and he'd forget about me, just like all the rest of them.
Friend: Yeah... Need a smoke?
Southern belle: Yes! Do you have menthol? I love menthol.
--Fort Myers Beach, Florida
The Only Acceptable Place for a Jonas Brothers Poster
Trailer trash girl: Daddy, should I put this in the toilet or hang it on the wall?
Dad: In the toilet, of course!
--Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Helen Keller Didn't Know How to Make Herself Any Clearer
Girl #1: Because I'm not talking to him.
Girl #2: Oh, really? I didn't know.
Girl #1: Yeah, I'm not talking to him.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because I'm not talking to him.
Girl #2: Ohhhh.
--Cavehill, Barbados
Never Heard Of the Halo Effect, Dad?
Teenage boy: I love grass near the beach. Like, if this grass were on Ft. Rucker it would suck, 'cause it's just grass. But here it's awesome, because you know there's a beach next to it.
Dad: What the hell are you talking about?
Teenage boy: What!
--Pendleton Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Middle child
John Merrick Works Out Obsessively
Girl #1: Look at that guy's head. It's so weirdly shaped.
Girl #2: Why does it do that at the back? Like, what's with the way it folds at the back?
Girl #1: Oooh, he has some nicely shaped biceps, though! Wow!
Girl #2: Yeah, he makes it obvious by putting his arms up like that to distract from his head.
Girl #1: He's totally doing that.
Girl #2: He's sitting there going, "hey ladies, don't look at my oddly shaped head. Look at my nicely shaped biceps instead." (pause) Hey, that rhymed.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Rachel
I Wrote It on My Hand at One Point, but It Washed Off!
Airhead girl, trying to pick up boys: Oh, you go to [name of college]. We go to [name of college right next to it]. (thinks) We're sophomores now, right?
Airhead girl friend: Yeah, I think so.
--Sunset Bay, New York
Overheard by: defsophomore
They're the Katie Couric Of Mammaries!
Hot girl to extremely fat guy transfixed by her boobs: What, are you comparing size? Shape? Cause mine might not be as big as yours, but they're far perkier.
--Uvongo Beach, South Africa
Overheard by: dizziebean
He Wouldn't Even Eat Me
20-something girl #1: So are you gonna go out with him again?
20-something girl #2: No. He's a vegetarian.
20-something girl #1: Well, you can change that.
20-something girl #2: No, he does it for like, moral reasons.
20-something girl #1: Oh. Ugh, no. Forget that, then.
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tara
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