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May 2010 Archives
If Dr. Laura Owned PBS
Girl shouting to friends: Goldilocks! Stop sleeping in everyone's bed, you whore!
--Tampa, Florida
...Word to Your Mother
Father to young son: Some holes have crabs!
--Alma, New Bruswick, Canadia
...With an Expandable Panel in Front.
Girl on phone: I have good news and bad news! The good news is I'm not pregnant. The bad news is I need new jeans!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Grossed out but laughing
Sounds Boring Until You Realize It's Snakes
Overly sunburned woman: Oh, hey, look! A two-legged race!
--Aruba
Overheard by: Amused
She's...My Soulmate!
Drunk guy being dragged out of bar, yelling: But she promised she would suck my balls!
--Cold Keg, Melbourne, Florida
Nerds Have Trouuble Losing Their Virginity; They Keep Taking Their Eyes Off the Prize
Drunk guy to others: Imagine how long it would take to fuck a spider. It would take ages!
--Dunedin, New Zealand
There's No "U" in My Cunt, Pal
30-something Guido to pretty girl: Hey. I hear you're looking for a stud. I've got the STD, all I need is "u."
--Pacific Beach, California
I Could Replace All Her Music With Christian Rock
Teenage gangsta on cell: Naw man, she's not gonna mess with me. I have her MySpace password. Her MySpace password!
--San Diego, California
Call Me SaladShooter!
Burger eater to another: I ate so much salad yesterday I've got lettuce confetti flying out of my butt.
--Kailua-Kona, Hawaii
Overheard by: check please!
Psh, Take All Those Rings Off and Come Talk to Me
Girl to boy: Damn, look at those calluses on your hands! Do you masturbate with sandpaper or something?
--Tampa, Florida
Your Editors Leave You to Draw Your Own Conclusions About "I'm on Board with Jesus"
Middle-aged woman: It's a relationship.
Younger woman: It's a bumper sticker.
--Laupahoihoi, Hawaii
Overheard by: Sunny
Psst-- Now It's More Fashionable to Blame the Muslims.
Black girl with southern accent: If the world ends it's dem negro's fault.
--Tampa, Florida
Every Buddy Film, Encapsulated.
Guy standing at window: I love tit-ass!
Guy on boardwalk: Fuck yeah!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Roomate
Why I Dropped Out Of My Cupcake-Eating Master's Program After Only Half a Semester
Guy: Why do you have a wooden fork?
Girl: First of all, because it's biodegradable; and second, it's hard to eat a cupcake.
--Sprinkles, Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: M
David Hasselhoff? Really?
16-year-old on phone: So he tried selling you heroin?
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: That guy
Your Editors Have Paid Extra for Titty Gum-- True Story
Guy: Hey, do you have any gum?
Annoying girl: Yeah, I do... You can't have this one, but you can have this kind. (pulls gum out of bra)
Guy: Ew! I don't want that! It's titty gum.
Annoying girl: It's not titty gum.
Brunette girl: You can have some of my gum.
Guy: Is it in your titties?
Brunette girl, looking down shirt. Nope.
Guy: Okay!
--Canadia
They Must Be Taking the Tom Cruise
Mother to young child: Do you hear the ship, honey?
Child: No, mommy, I don't.
Mother: Do you feel the ship moving?
Child: Yes! I feel my shit moving.
--Carnival Freedom Cruise, Caribbean Sea
Overheard by: InTheNextStall
You're Thinking Of Middle School, Debbie
Spring breaker bimbette #1, about ordering drinks: And get Coco Rico, and Sex on the Beach...
Spring breaker bimbette #2, interrupting: Wait, isn't there also something called Sex in the Basement?
--Tamarindo, Costa Rica
Overheard by: one of them spoke decent Spanish, at least
But I Was Just About to Tie Them in a Bow!
Elderly husband to leather-tanned wife taking top off on the beach: Jesus Christ, Mary! Put those things away,will you? Nobody wants to see that.
--Playa Del Carmen, Mexico
You Can't Take Clint Eastwood Anywhere.
Surfer dude to flabby, uninterested friend: Are you seeing this? That seagull is frickin' staring me down. Look at him. Are you looking at him? He's giving me the eye. That motherfucker is going to shit on me at some point today, and he wants me to know it.
--Ocean Beach, California
And I Was Going to Save That for Marriage
Preppy white girl to black guy: You just jizzed on my arm and I don't even know you like that yet...
--Tampa, Florida
How Dominatrices Get Started
College guy, passing campus soccer field: Kick those balls, girl!
--Long Beach, California
Way Too Old For You
20-something guy: Hey, how old are you?
Young girl: I'm fifteen.
20-something guy, looking over to friend: Exactly my point.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jenny
Better Than Carrot Top Last Week
Girl #1: Oh my god, that guy looks just like Kevin Spacey!
Girl #2: I told you he was stalking me...
--Lake Michigan Shoreline, Michigan
The Question Is, Who's Smelling It?
Daughter: Mom, why do you have to go to the bathroom already? We just went a few minutes ago!
Mother: I don't know... I guess I'm like a dog, I have to leave my scent everywhere...
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
The Outdoors Is Bigger Than I Could Have Imagined
Lady to friends: Wow! This is a lot of sand!
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Courtney
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