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The Dynamic behind American TV
Bimbette #1: I'm so bored.
Bimbette #2: Me, too.
Bimbette #1: I would eat my own hand just for some fun.
--North Sea, Holland
... If I Can Find a Stupid Shit to Marry Me
Girl on cell: Yeah, so my dad said he wouldn't pay for college, but he would pay for my wedding, and I'd rather have a big party than study stupid shit for four years, so I'll just do that...
--Marathon, Florida
Overheard by: Nicole
The Discovery Channel's "Seaweed Week" Failed to Catch On
20-ish girl to sister: I think a shark just brushed up against my foot! [Everyone nearby stares.] Oops. I think I said that a little loud. False alert, everyone -- it was just some seaweed!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Now That I Have This Inconvenient Infection
Teenage girl: So I've decided not to be a slut anymore.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
... And the Losers Will Don Suicide Belts
Bimbette announcer during Miss Hampton Beach pageant: ... And now our auditor will talibate the results...
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Annette
But Don't Tell Him About the Time We Fucked!
Chick #1: You were a complete whore last night.
Chick #2: Look who's talking! Do I have to mention the time you let Derek go down on you?
Chick #1: Bitch! That guy over there can hear you!
Chick #2: So what?
Chick #1: Listen to how you're talking about me and my brother. He's gonna think I'm a complete skank!
Chick #2: I said Derek. He didn't know who the fuck Derek was until you opened your fuckin' mouth.
Chick #1: Uh, yeah, I guess you're right...
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That guy over there
And Then She Loses Jewelry!
Girl to friend: Oh my god, the Titanic was so sad. Her true love is poor, and then he dies.
--Crane Beach, Massachusetts
Oh, Right, the Money and the 10-inch Cock
Chick on cell: Yeah, don't you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? Ewww, why am I dating you?
--Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: hannie bananie
But Possibly Guatemalish
WASP girl: I saw three of them, and they all looked the same. I think they were Mexicanese?
--Bar Harbor, Maine
Overheard by: dulcineaesq
That's Really More of a South-of-Maryland Thing
Early-20s chick: I mean, I love my dad as a father and a friend, but, like, definitely not as a husband.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: awesome is as awesome does
... Of Mexico. Where Margaritas Come From. Hello, in Salty Glasses?
Blonde: Why is this water, like, salty?
Brunette: Uhhh, it's sea water -- the ocean is salty.
Blonde: Yeah, but I thought this was the Gulf...
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: tourist lover
Let's Just Go to the Beach, Okay?
Girl #1: I'm glad we aren't having earthquakes here like back in Cali.
Girl #2: It would suck coming over to Maui and then having an earthquake here.
Girl #1: Hey, can you feel an earthquake in a plane?
Girl #2: Um...
--Kihei, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Darcy
We Used Protection, But We Licked It Off
Blonde #1: Are you wearing that sunscreen that tastes good?
Blonde #2: What?
Blonde #1: Your sunscreen smells really good. Is it the kind that tastes good?
Blonde #2: How do you know how sunscreen tastes?
Blonde #1: Oh, I'll tell you later.
--Natural Bridges, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: just trying to get a tan
And Sometimes from Places As Far-Flung As England
Bimbette: Yeah, I love that show. They show clips from all around the world like Britain and the UK and stuff.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
The Answer Is Sedimentary, My Dear Watson
Bimbette looking up at cliff face: Hey, do rocks eat other rocks?
Guy: ... Huh?
Bimbette: Do rocks eat other rocks? You know, so that they can grow into bigger rocks...
Guy: Are you serious? No, rocks do not eat other rocks.
Bimbette: Then, like... How do they get bigger?
Guy: [Silence.]
Bimbette: Like, what do they eat?
--Merewether Beach, Newcastle, Australia
Do They Make My Junk Look Fat?
Blonde, very loudly: You know, if I was a guy, these bikini bottoms would really cut into my balls!
--Key West, Florida
Overheard by: Anne
Anyone Else's Bra Need a Refill?
Golden girl: Excuse me, bartender!
(harried bartender grunts at her)
Golden girl: Bartender, can I just have an ice cube please?
(harried bartender fills a cup with ice cubes and slams it down in front of her)
Golder girl: What am I supposed to do with all of these? I just wanted one to put in my bra!
--Colony Hotel, Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Becka Dash
The Perils of Being Raised on Roseanne Reruns
Preppy college girl: I don't know -- I think it would be kind of glamorous to be poor!
--Pennfield Beach, Connecticut
Overheard by: Quirky Corky
The Outlaw Crotch Farmers of Australia
Girl #1, about lyrics to song: Who grows weed in their G-string?
Girl #2: That's 'hydroponics,' but I suppose it might be pretty wet down there. It's not impossible.
--Finucane Island, Australia
Wanna See Me Make It Dance?
Bikini #1: Duuude, your birthmark has gotten bigger...
Bikini #2: That's because my thigh has gotten bigger.
--The Hamptons, New York
Which Was Good, because I Didn't
Blonde: Wait, do Jewish people burn or tan?
Meathead: Well, some are pasty and some are really dark.
Blonde: Yeah, 'cause, like, she's Jewish and she gets a tan. I came into work the other day and my hair was curly, and everyone was like, 'Whoa!' But then I told them I'm half-Jewish, so they understood.
--Manchester by the Sea, Massachusetts
Overheard by: i burn and i'm not
Can't Figure 'em Out?
Bimbette: My nipples are hard.
--Wasaga Beach, Ontario, Canadia
Some Carousels Are More Intense Than Others
Girl: I would have stayed on longer, but my swimsuit was on one ankle!
--Madison Lake, Minnesota
Totally -- You Sound Just Like Sean Connery
Californian girl: Oh my god, I am, like, so brown now. Do you think when we go back to the hostel and put on our English accents people will, like, not know who we are?
--Lagos Beach, Portugal
The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations
Girl #1: I think you might be ridiculous.
Girl #2: Look who's talking.
Girl #1: See, you're not normally ridiculous. On the other hand, I am always ridiculous. So why should you expect any different from me?
Girl #2: I shouldn't. I'm sorry.
--#6 Parking Lot, Jones Beach, New York
They're the First Warning Signs of Congenital Stupidity
Little Miss Texas slathering on more baby oil: I don't know why I'm gettin' all these little wrinkles around my eyes, do y'all?
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'
Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You're on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says 'Come on in.'
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don't. That's what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I'll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You'll forget. Do it now. No one's watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I'm going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.
--Destin, Florida
The Tourists Would Have Fed Them, Too, and Then...
Late-20s chick #1: Don't the tourists understand the laws of seagull shitting? I mean, if they feed them, they are going to crap all over the entire beach.
Late-20s chick #2: At least the parade of Hare Krishnas has passed.
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Overheard by: unMuse
We Should Taste It To Make Sure
Bimbette to friend: Hmmm, it smells like the beach...
--Surf & Stillwell Avenue, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Janelle
Focus -- We're Trashing People Here
Biotech #1: Wow. Did you see his new girlfriend over there?
Biotech #2: Yeah. She's got cottage cheese legs.
Bimbette: Really? Where is she? Is she fat?
Biotech #2: It's not that she's fat, it's just that... well... she's built like a linebacker.
Bimbette, looking in opposite direction: Hey, look -- volleyball!
--Hamburg Beach, Germany
Dear Tony-- More Vinegar, Less Garlic -- Love, Marsha
Ghetto chick #1: Yo, girl, I can smell you from here.
Ghetto chick #2: Girl, what you talkin' 'bout? You better be talkin' 'bout my lotion.
Ghetto chick #1: No, girl! I'm talkin' 'bout your pussy.
Ghetto chick #2: You crazy, girl. Tony ate it out last night. Ain't nothin' in there to smell!
Ghetto chick #1: Maybe it's just the nigga's breath, then.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: karen g.
What's the Word for a Fear of Teenyboppers?
Teenybopper #1: Ew, I hate wide open spaces.
Teenybopper #2: Isn't there a word for that?
Teenybopper #1: Yeah, I think it's some kind of phobia or something.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: MarilynMonBRO
And with That Attitude, You Never Will
Girl #1: So anyway, when me and Dale went shopping last night--
Girl #2: --No! 'Dale and I'...
Girl #1: ... No, you didn't come.
--Hotel, Sydney, Australia
That was a Platonic Blow Job
JAP #1: So yeah, Aaron* and Rachel* hooked up last night.
JAP #2: Oh my god! What a fucking slut!
JAP #1: Didn't you and Rachel give Aaron a blow job last week, at the same time?
JAP #2: Yeah, so... Your point?
JAP #1: Oh, nevermind... Just wanted to know what you thought was slutty and what wasn't.
--Boca Beach Club, Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: glad i picked the boca hotel to stay at..
Unless It Involves Spirit Fingers...
Pilot on PA: We'll be making our final descent to Oahu International Airport shortly.
Blonde cheerleader: Oh my god! I thought we were going to Honolulu!
9-year-old boy nearby: Honolulu is the city on Oahu, you idiot.
Blonde cheerleader: Oh... Well, how am I supposed to know that?
--Plane to Hawaii
Overheard by: Derek
Brunettes Have More Fun with Their Brothers
Blonde girl: Oh... I had sex with your brother last night.
Brunette girl: Oh, yeah?
Blonde girl: He has a huge cock.
Brunette girl: Oh my god! I know!
Blonde girl: Too bad he has herpes.
Brunette girl: I know...
--Burlington Beach, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Alrighty.....
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
Those Aren't Girls, Sir
American girl #1: Does your boyfriend shave his balls?
American girl #2: I didn't know that men do that.
Nearby British man: Is this what young American girls talk about on their holiday?
--Cassis, France
But You Had a Kid, Mary!
Bitchy friend: ... So then we took a vote, and you're the biggest slut out of all of us.
Girl: But I'm the only virgin.
Bitchy friend: We know.
--Kingston Beach, Washington
Think We Should Fly South with the Flock?
Bimbette to friend: Why is it so cold? It's a beach!
Passerby: Yeah, a beach in November... Dipshit.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: dr. obvious
On Landlines, Mostly
Ditzy chick: What are you doing today?
Skater kid: Chillin' like a villain.
Other girl: The '90s called - they want 'Chillin' like a villain' back.
Ditzy chick: How do the '90s call?
--Ventnor, New Jersey
If No Elevator Is Available, I'd Like to Be Carried on a Litter
Puerto Rican princess: Hey! Hey, you - Mr. Captain or whatever.
Steward: Yes, ma'am?
Puerto Rican princess: Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?
Steward: Excuse me?
Puerto Rican princess: Where is the elevator that goes to the front of the ship?
Random passenger: Someone throw her overboard now and put her out of my misery.
--Caribbean Cruise, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: also waiting for elevator
Maybe Because the Fiancé Already Had Her Fist in It
20-Something chick #1: So Brad and I went up to the mountains with his friend Greg and Greg's fiancé. Brad and Greg went out to unpack the car, and she and I just started going at it.
30-Something chick #2: You guys were making out?
30-Something chick #1: It was way intense.
30-Something chick #2: Wow.
30-Something chick #1: Then Brad and Greg came back in the house, and Greg started, like, totally freaking out. I mean, he just wasn't, like...feeling my openness!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: gefiltepez
It's Made of Corn Starch
Girlfriend: Oh my god, I am so hot!
Boyfriend: Then go in the water and cool off.
Girlfriend: I can't! This bikini is dry clean only!
--Long Island, New York
Overheard by: carenexplainsitall
No Wet Bar. Can You Believe It?
Blonde: ... So as soon as we got home from spring break I told my boyfriend that I had sex with Brad on the beach.
Friend: Oh my gosh! What did your boyfriend do?!
Blonde: He said, 'I guess we're not riding in Brad's limo for prom.'
Friend: What's wrong with Brad's limo?!
--St. Augustine beach, Florida
Just When You Were Sure Those Laguna Beach Kids Were Actors...
Girl: We need to date boys who are smart and rich. Our boyfriends are stupid and poor and don't even have the same wireless provider as us.
--Laguna Beach, California
Knowledge Just Interferes with the Wonder of It All
Chick #1: You can see Venezuela on a clear day from here.
Chick #2: Really?! I would love to go to Venezuela -- I hear it's a really nice island.
Chick #1: Um... Island as in South America...?
Chick #2: It's right off of South America, right?
Chick #1: I guess you should have paid attention in geography class.
Chick #2: What does math have to do with it?
--Aruba
Overheard by: Erin from New York
Also the Idea behind Lifesavers Candy
Girl #1, whispering: Oh my god, I'm choking on this macaroni.
Girl 2: Then how are you talking?
Girl 1: The macaroni is stuck in my throat straight up, and I'm breathing through the hole in the noodle.
Girl 2: Ohhh, that makes sense.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jenny
Those Bastards!
Blonde: Why is the water so much saltier on this coast? They really need to stop putting all their extra salt in the water.
Dude: Extra salt?
Blonde: Yeah, isn't that what the government does -- just dumps the barrels of extra salt into the water?
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kristin
Einstein on the Beach
Bimbette: You know what I like?
Brother: ...What?
Bimbette: No, I don't know, I was asking. Like, for serious.
--Kiawah Island Resort, Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: hannah