Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Guys (Best Of) All Categories > People > Guys
Recent | Best Of
It Swam Right in Front of My Car
Husband, excited at seeing a washed up, dead whale: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer? Well, wait 'til you see this!
--Fernandina Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Katred
I'd Never Forgive Myself If They Dented a Lexus
Muscle guy: Damn, that Lexus just hit that kid on a bike in front of Circle Pizza!
Blonde woman: Wait what? Was it one of mine?
Muscle guy: No, yours are jumping off the bridge.
Blonde woman: Oh, thank god.
--St Avalon, New Jersey
Overheard by: Himbo
Mom: This Can of Refuse is Called 'Pizza,' Billy. It's a Special Treat!
Little boy: I like pizza!
Older guy: Me too.
Little boy: I eat pizza in a garbage pail!
--Sun & Surf Beach Club, Atlantic Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kristen
CSI: Beach Edition
Guy: Okay, first person to find a used condom wins a prize!
--Coney Island Beach, New York
Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time
Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
Could the World Continue in My Absence?
14-year-old boy, looking at tide chart: Dude, I don't get it! High tide is at 9:55 p.m., but this place closes at eight!
--Crescent Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kevin and Elissa
That Reminds Me, When is Mom Up for Parole?
Chick: I can't stand it when people smoke at the beach. It's such a wrong thing to do in a place like this.
Dude: Smoking at the beach is like killing someone at a birthday party.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Peter
The House Used to Belong to a Black Man
Lady: You have an awfully long deck.
Homeowner: Thanks... Oh, you said 'deck.'
--Topsail Island, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jim
So I Only Hurt Myself
Drunk guy: I'm scared of you... You look dangerous, like you could beat somebody up.
Drunk girl: What? Why?
Drunk guy: It's the headband, you look like you know karate.
Drunk girl: I don't know karate, I know yoga.
--Beaufort, South Carolina
Overheard by: Wish I had that logic....
She's Never Going to Let That One Go
Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: JD
I Didn't Slap You, I High-Fived Your Face
Dude: I didn't steal the Bentley. I hijacked it.
Girl: [Slaps him.]
--Oean Isle, North Carolina
This Pick-Up Line Works Better with His Own Sex
Duke guy: Have you read Rebecca?
Duke girl: Of Sunnybrook Farm?
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Like a Computer, Baby!
20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?
--Boat, Boston Harbor
Overheard by: Deck Hand
Or We'll Kill You
Girl (pointing to sign on lifeguard tower): Hah! I thought that said "Dying is dangerous and prohibited" for a sec.
Guy: You're crazy. It says "diving!"
Girl: (pause) I know. But.. oh, whatever.
Lifeguard: Yes--we have a very strict policy... No dying!
--Corona Del Mar Beach, California
Overheard by: Dee
Later, He Compared the Birth of His First Child to Eating a Shotgun
Guy #1: So, I think I'm going to ask Catherine* to marry me next weekend.
Guy #2: Where you going to get married?
Guy #1: Does a man who's about to jump off a building worry about where they'll bury the body?
--Bobcaygeon, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Keith
And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes
Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.
--Rockway Beach, NY
Who Admits to Being a Hipster?
Girl: Do you hipsters wear glasses?
Boy: Only if it's not necessary.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Paperback Writer
They Slice, They Dice, They Make Julienne Cousin!
Man, carrying two hands full of knives: Knives for sale! Knives for sale! 100 dollars! Getting tired of your brother, your cousin, your mother-in-law? Knives for sale! You feeling suicidal? Knives! Knives for sale! 100 dollars!
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
Overheard by: Elle
...I'm Writing a Letter to My Congressman.
Young 20-something guy, while texting: Is tranny spelled with one "n" or two?
--Ferry, Fire Island, New York
That's How I Spend My Christmas Bonus
Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: girl #1
No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese
Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.
--Virginia Beach
The Traffic Lets Up, But Breathing Becomes Difficult
Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left...Yes, the freeway ends....Because the continent ends, dipshit.
--Hermosa Beach, California
Although My Wife May Disagree
50-something to friend: I've been married so long I can row a boat with a rope.
--Horseshoe Beach, Florida
After All that Training with the Ping-Pong Balls, It's Just a Reflex
Chick: You didn't bring the towels?!
Dude: Sorry, I forgot! Just lay in the sand!
Chick: I can't! You know it always gets up inside of me!
--Daytona Beach, Florida
If Gigolos Were Allowed to Telemarket
Man on phone: How about I stick my penis in your vagina?
Woman on the other end of the phone, loudly: How bout...no.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: couldn't contain
Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?
Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
You May Have to Steal Uncle Gadget's Hydrocar...
Blond overtanned guy: Wow, I would rather like to be laying on the beach in Spain right now!
Blond overtanned girl: Yeah, and we could like drive down to Mexico and stuff!
Blond overtanned guy: Hmm...no. You don't drive down to Mexico from Spain...
Blond overtanned girl: Oh! Wrong direction? Is it to the left?
--Nauthólsvík Beach, Iceland
Overheard by: the guy who wishes he wasn't blonde
She Got Some Dead Girl's Old Breast Implants
Waiter to customer: Sir, you just missed her. She looks hotter. She just got a transplant.
--South Padre Island, Texas
This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been
Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ilyse
I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?
Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!
--Robert Moses, New York
Overheard by: Zep
If It Could Only Talk, What Stories It Could Tell
Beach guy to bikini girl: I'd bend over, but my arse hurts too much.
--Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Felicity
Shit, How Much Is That Gonna Cost Me?
Mechanic, returning car: I got a wireless cable.
--Wildwood Crest, New Jersey
Drools a Lot, Though
Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, "my nipples don't argue."
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: raerae
A+
Girl with textbook: What's the capital of the United States?
Boy: Washington, DC?
Girl with textbook: How many eggs to a dozen?
Boy: 12?
Girl with textbook: Where are the Jews?
Boy: Long Island?
--New York
That's What in English We Call 'What a Penis Looks Like in Japan'
Boss: What do you call this finger in English?
Employee: The ring finger.
Boss: Ok, how about this one?
Employee: Uh, hold it right there [takes a picture] That's the middle finger.
Boss: I see. How about the little one?
Translated from the Japanese
--Beach BBQ in Toyama, Japan
Can't Be Hard to Find in a Bee Cup
Southern blonde to older, female family members: Aaaah, there's a bee in my titties!
(commotion ensues)
Sketchy guy, loudly: I'll look for it if you want.
--San Juan Beach, Puerto Rico
Couldn't We Just Have Played Wii Beach?
Guy walking on the sand: I fucking hate the beach! I hate sand and it's not getting any better. Look, more sand!
--Jones Beach, New York
I'm Also Vague on the Big Square States in the Middle Of the Country
Young dude with skateboard: Yeah, so I love it out here so far. This is my first year here, I just moved from New Hampshire.
Middle aged lady in short gym shorts: Oh, that's nice... Is that in Maine?
Dude: Uh... Well, it's by Maine...(motioning) Here's New Hampshire, here's Maine.
Lady: Oh, so New Hampshire's a state on its own? Oh my gosh, I feel like I should know that!
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Vanessa
They're the Katie Couric Of Mammaries!
Hot girl to extremely fat guy transfixed by her boobs: What, are you comparing size? Shape? Cause mine might not be as big as yours, but they're far perkier.
--Uvongo Beach, South Africa
Overheard by: dizziebean
Ad: "Are You Irish Sprung?"
Drunk Spanish rock dude: This soap, it smells like penis.
--Santander, Spain
Overheard by: Murray
Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?
Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral...
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven't.
Guy #1: You're a fucking moron.
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut
Then It Would Be Lake Superior
Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
Bush Surrendered Cheney Almost Immediately
Man: ... So I just walked out of there with two heads of cabbages and a hand full of cash... And I walked up to him and said, 'Give me that goat!'
--Restaurant, Mammoth, California
Why Kelly Osborne Stays Home Most of the Time
Chick: Okay, that girl over there is the ugliest girl I've ever seen.
Dude: You're so mean. [Dude looks] Oh my god!
Chick: I told you!
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cols
Whether She Enjoyed It or Not
Latino guy #1: I'm gonna fuck her so hard she'll feel it in her culo.
Latino guy #2: If she really loved you, she'd let you stick it in her culo.
--Boardwalk, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Geni
Drugs or Schizophrenia? Discuss.
Homeless guy to guy with extremely long hair: Oh my god! Is that hair real?
Guy with extremely long hair: Yes.
Homeless guy: Oh my god! I'm a midget!
--Santa Cruz, California
This Is What Happens When We Don't Bring the Electric Collar
Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, finding Molly sitting quietly: Oh, there you are.
--Lewes Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: maybe next time, take Molly with you
Your Ass and My Cock, Pal
Guy #1: Hey, what if you had a donkey? Haha.
Guy #2: Yeah, if I had a donkey. Haha. If I had a donkey and you had a rooster, haha.
Guy #1: Exactly.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Would This Lecture Be More Effective If I Demonstrated with a Raw Egg?
Man: Remember to say no to crack, Joseph. Okay?
Little boy: Huh?
--Indiana Dunes State Park, Indiana
Overheard by: Breet
Loss of Virginity's Contagious
[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!
Just Wait 'til Prom, Buddy
Teen boy, looking at boogie board: Oh, man... My nipples are gonna get it.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate H
That's What Sock Drawers Are For
Drinking dude: He was a cool guy until he pissed in the closet.
--Long Beach, New York
Some People Collect Seashells...
Girl to two guys: Do you guys have a spare cigarette?
Guy #1: Yeah, here ya go. (gives her a cigarette)
Girl to guy #2: How about you?
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: lorax
In Paradise the Garbage Men Will Have Doctorates
30-Something business dude: I've traveled a lot, man, and I've been to Costa Rica, and there are no Indians there. Like, people are educated, and there are people with Master's degrees driving taxi cabs and stuff!
--Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Be-deez nuts
I Prefer, "Once More Onto the Beach, Dear Friends!"
Woman: If you get pulled out by a rip tide you shouldn't even bother to fight it, right? Because you're already dead.
Man: She's giving herself a pep talk.
--Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: beach comber
It's Either that or the Charred English Schoolboy with Mango Salsa
Female snowbird: Conch fritters? What's conch?
Male snowbird: Didn't you read Lord of the Flies? You need the conch shell to talk.
Female snowbird: You want me to eat a ceremonial shell?
--Frenchy's, Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sarah d.
And You're Pretty Smart, Not Like a Blonde
Guy to couple: Hi!
Blonde wife: See, they're nice here, not like in California.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: cherry picker
You'd Think It'd Come Out Along with the Condom
Teen boy: Let's go back in the water since I have sand in my ass.
--San Clemente Beach, California
Overheard by: Wanted to kill this kid
...But, to Be Fair, There Are Douchebags Everywhere.
Big burly tattooed Bostonian man: They found 'em in Jersey and Lake Michigan.
--Cape Cod Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Nancy and Andrea
Let's Discuss It While I Bleed Out
Chick: Fuck, I stepped on a piece of glass!
Dude: Was it beach glass?
Chick: I don't know... We're at the beach... Probably.
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: monkey
Have You Donated Money to War-Torn Soy Sauce Yet?
Asian guy: We should get some fish and chips.
Asian girl: Ooh, I love tartar sauce. It's my favorite continent.
Asian guy: What?
--Steveston Pier, Richmond, British Columbia
If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible
Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?
--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Responsible Tourist
[Sigh] I Jack Off to Ideas a Lot
30-ish guy #1: I see you're sporting the side ponytail.
30-ish girl: Just for you!
30-ish guy #2: Yeah, I bet you're gonna jack off to that side ponytail.
30-ish guy #1: No! I jack off to the idea of the side ponytail. They're coming back, I tell ya!
--Summerfest, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: the only sober person there
There's No "U" in My Cunt, Pal
30-something Guido to pretty girl: Hey. I hear you're looking for a stud. I've got the STD, all I need is "u."
--Pacific Beach, California
Many Adults Make the Same Face for Both
Bald man to baby on blanket (in baby voice): Do you have somethin' to say? Are you thinkin'? Are you thinkin'? Yes you are.
Woman next to him: He's pooping.
Bald man: Are you poopin'? Are you poopin'? Yes you are!
--Sunset Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Emma
Or I Will Have It, After Three Easy Payments of $49.99
(in line at a grocery checkout)
Guy: I'm really excited about watching more movies, old ones and new ones. (pause) Now that I've got my soul back.
--Huntington Beach, California
Take That Back, Motherfucker!
(after a person in a full Elmo suit was chased down the beach)
Guy #1: Elmo was a lady!
Guy #2: Elmo is a bitch.
--Coney Island, New York
I'll Just Do a Chick and Think About My Mom
Dude #1: I'd really like to do a girl and her mom at the same time.
Dude #2: I don't think you're gonna have any luck here. All these chicks look like they're between 18 and 25.
Dude #1: So, what's your point?
--Cancun, Mexico
Overheard by: Beach Frog
So All I Need Is a Tan
Fat girl, to friend: That tan girl looks better in my bikini than I do.
Random guy walking by: Yeah, she does.
--Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Cari
Jonathan Richman: Hey, He Was Never Called an Asshole!
Skater punk to another: Dude, seriously, fuck Picasso.
--Venice Beach, California
The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch
Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!
--Paradise Island, The Bahamas
Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer
You Were Listening to Coldplay
Teen boy: Fucking faggots!
Queer: How can he tell I'm gay?
Lesbo: How can he tell I'm a lesbian? What, do we exude a flamboyantly-homosexual aura or something? Fuck, we're cuddling with a member of the opposite gender, and people still know we're gay! Damn, it's like P.E. class all over again.
--Delta, British Columbia, Canadia
Some Of Us Should Keep Our Shirts on at the Beach
Woman #1: You really should have seen this guy's boobs, they were huge.
Woman #2: So he needed a bra?
Man #1: A bro.
Man #2 (with hands on hips, triumphantly): A manzier!
Woman #1: What he needed was some testosterone!
--Hawaii
Overheard by: Festivus for the Rest of Us
I Think They Still Get Points for a Liver-Stab, Jimmy
Dude #1: Wouldn't it be cool if you could just get surgery to switch your heart and, say, your liver?
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: Then, if someone came up to you and said, "I'm gonna stab you in the heart!" you could be like, "I'd like to see you try!"
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Suprchick
Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'
Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You're on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says 'Come on in.'
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don't. That's what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I'll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You'll forget. Do it now. No one's watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I'm going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.
--Destin, Florida
Why Bars Play Loud Music: Explained
Spring breaker girls to group of 30-something guys: Hey, you guys want us to take your picture for you?
Guys: Huh?
Girls: Do you want us to take the shot?
Guys: A shot? Tequila? You girls like patron? Waitress! Shots!
Girls: Wow, that was easy...
--Key West, Florida
And I'd Miss That If I Were in Jail
Dude #1: All I'm saying is, at some point she'll be 23 and damn sexy.
Dude #2: You have a good point.
--Cupsogue Beach, Westhampton, New York
Overheard by: sas
JAP Repellant 2K6
Girl: If I use cooking oil, do you think I'll tan twice as fast?
Boy: No, but you'll probably smell like bacon.
--Corolla, Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: Mandy
No, My Family Comes to See Me
Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah... And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?
--Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut
Overheard by: Forgot my iPod
How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step
Man #1, stopping at free sample of fuge: Ohhh, fudge.
Man #2: Damn! It has nuts in it.
Man #1: I like nuts of all kinds.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once
Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!
--Playa Del Rey, CA
...I Just Use This One to Reach It
Small child, screaming: Do you have a boat?
Man in giant boat off shore: Yes.
--North Carolina
Overheard by: jen
So That's Why Garfield Is Always So Hungry
Hippie, to the cat he is walking on a leash: Did you eat my pot?
--Ocean Beach, San Diego
And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!
Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rafaela
So, Ummm... How Do You Look with Them Off?
Tourist guy #1: I never thought you'd look good in Bermuda shorts.
Tourist guy #2: Right.
Tourist guy #1: But you do! You really do!
--Broadsands, South Devon, United Kingdom
And You Took a Dump in Their Ceremonial Urn
American: Why did she stare at me like that? Is my accent that horrible? Did I say something wrong?
Japanese-American: Your accent isn't that bad. But you made the Japanese "fuck you" gesture with your hands.
--Beach near Tokyo
The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut
40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!
--La Jolla, California
Overheard by: Confetti Bomb
I Have to Tell You, I Don't See a Downside to Any of That
Perv #1: Dude, check out that girl!
Perv #2: Which one?
Perv #1: Over there, in the yellow suit!
Perv #2: What? She can't be more than twelve!
Perv #1: Dude, I would totally do her!
Perv #2: You need help, man. She doesn't even have tits.
Perv #1: I'm not a titty man.
Perv #2: Yeah, well, your boyfriend in prison will be glad to hear that.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Steve
Don't Expect Sparkling Conversation During Your Boat Ride to the Isle of the Dead
Guy: Um, do you know where the water is?
Lady: Cold.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Laura Bush Can Be Amazingly Forceful at Times
Obnoxiously drunk ho as she leans on bro for support: Don't even think about thinking!
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Strategic Incompetence Is Clearly the Way to a Woman's Heart
Guy: If they try to get you to cook dinner, don't do it. That's how they try to control you.
--Redondo Beach, California
And Were Shaped Like Either a Horse or a Teacup, Depending Upon Who You Ask
New Jersey Guido: His nipples were as big as clouds...
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Peter Butter and Gina Jam
Emotionally
Guido in wife beater and jeans halfway down his ass: Anal sex hurts me.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Like Nature's Turkey-Timers, They Tell Me When I'm Done
Guy (getting out of water): It's okay now, my nipples are hard.
--Pensacola, Florida
Omagah, Except for Now!
Blond waitress to patron: I'm like one of those, you know. The kind that don't make mistakes.
--Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California
It's Never Too Early to Tell Someone He Has a Small Penis
Cheesy 15-year-old boy: I can't believe you were about to go up to him and say that. Ha, ha, ha.
Cheesy 15-year-old girl: Wouldn't be the first time I made someone cry.
Cheesy 15-year-old boy: You're a whore.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Marijuana: The Universal Language
Guatemalan teen, passing American teen on the beach: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Bro, I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Mexican or whatever that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
American teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why didn't you say that the first time?
--Monte Rico, Guatemala
Overheard by: MangoJoe
I'll Take That Silence to Mean It's Been Your Lifelong Dream
Old short man: When was the last time you were with an old and short man?
19-year-old girl: (silence)
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Stephanie Wall
A Blonde Twin
40-something guy: That must be like an all-you-can-eat salad bar of STDs!
60-something guy: She's a twin.
--Pancake House, Redondo Beach, California
Twenty Minutes and Dozens of Claw Cuts Later, Mike Had His Answer
Random guy named Mike, after hitting on girl for twenty minutes: You know, I've always wondered, can crabs get crabs?
--Ship Bottom, Long Beach Island, California
Overheard by: beachweek '06
...Put It to Work, and Earn My Money Back.
Guy: And the guy is complaining about the price of birth control! "Forty dollars?" he's saying... "For that price, I'd rather have a baby!"
--Long Beach, Long Island
Overheard by: Colleen
Otherwise Known As Britney's New Fragrance Believe
Girl: I like the smell of that. What is it?
Guy: Garbage.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: zsaint
I Thought it was Pretty Unequivocal When I Achieved Penetration
Girl: I had this weird dream about anal sex last night. I think it was from when you were joking around when I was bent over the sink before.
Boy: I wasn't joking around.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
You Could Have Had a Friend in Pennsylvania, But Nooo...
Tourist guy: I hate these tourists! They think they're so cool, just coming down for the weekend in their little homes, fucking up the traffic and making parking difficult. Go home!
Local teen: Your license plate says you're from Pennsylvania.
Tourist guy: I rent for the summer. I guess I'm kinda like you, in a sense.
Local teen: Bitch, please.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: beach native
As Depicted in Debbie Does Dorsal-Fins
Drunk guy to girl: Hey, heeeeey. Sometimes I think about dolphins.
Girl (annoyed): Okay...
Drunk guy: Yes! See, they have sex for pleasure, like humans.
(girl giggles and walks away with friends)
--Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia
Florida's Well-Known for Its Cracker Production
Boy with pretty eyes: So I told her "porch monkey" is a racial slur.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yeah?
Boy with pretty eyes: And she says she doesn't know anybody named Rachel.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yes she does, her cousin's name is Rachel.
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
...Is This Milkshake in My Ears??
Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh... What?
Girl: Oh. Uh... what?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: tner
...I'm Sally, by the Way.
Girl to boy: Look at the sea otters! So romantic! ...touch my breasts.
--Tacoma, Washington
Four Being the Tipping Point for Homosexuality
Naked guy #1: My girlfriend thinks it's weird that you and I come here every weekend.
Naked guy #2: Why? Did you tell her Mike and Rob come too?
Naked guy #1: Nah dude, I don't want her to think we're gay.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Wow, That Takes All the Glamour Out Of My Alcohol Abuse
Boy: You should have come out last night! It was the best pub crawl ever!
Girl: Yeah? Which pub crawl was it?
Boy's girlfriend, unimpressed: It wasn't a pub crawl. It was just him... going to a lot of pubs... by himself.
--Gold Coast, Australia
With Really Nice Tits
Guy #1: Dude, dude! Tits.
Guy #2: Where?
Guy #1 motions to a topless sunbather.
Guy #2: Dude. That's a guy.
--Miami, Florida
Used Diapers: the End of Many a Fantasy
Girl: Ooh, it's so pretty here...like on Lost!
Guy (stepping around litter): Yeah, complete with used diapers.
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: The Other
Hmmm. What Are These Euphemisms For?
Guy: Can you pass the ChapStick? Because "lip gloss" has the taint.
--Cambria, California
Overheard by: nadia
It Has Its Hands Full Warming the Globe
Beach patrol: Ma'am, I am going to have to ask you to put on your top. This is not a "clothing optional" beach.
Man sitting with topless woman: Leave her alone. She is trying to get a full body tan.
Beach patrol: Sir, I think you are asking quite a bit from the sun.
--Fort Macon, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
To Be Fair, What American Would?
Woman, putting lotion on man's back: How long have your parents been married?
Man: A long time: 25 or 30 years...
Woman: So your parents got married after you were born?
Man: No.
Woman: But you're 40! Okay, now you're scaring me. I just spilled half the bottle of lotion on your back. That would be 3.5 ounces. I'd explain it to you but you wouldn't understand.
--Fort De Soto Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ishkabibble
Angry Sex Is What It Means in South Beach
Girl: Stop being so hostile.
Boy: I'm not, I'm just angry and annoyed. What does "hostile" mean?
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: HH
We Named Him Andreas, After the Fault
Guy, about his infant son's abnormally long ass crack: Some day that one's gonna be the toast of San Francisco.
--Sullivan's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Reading Man
Your Pants Say It's Too Late For That
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I don't take off my shoes at the beach.
Baggy-Pants boy #2: How are you going to walk in the water?
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I'll just keep them on. Is there a law that says you have to be barefoot in the ocean?
Baggy-Pants boy #2: No. But there's a law that says if you do that, you're gonna look like a jackass.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lesley
He'll Have His Own Travel Show Within Six Months
Man with thick Russian accent to group of dancing girls: Shake it, shake it!
(seriously) But do not break it.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Later, I'll Be Tugging on Superman's Cape and Messing around with Jim
Dude #1: Yo, there are so many garbage cans here. I bet if you tried you could piss in that one from here.
Dude #2: Gross, man!
Dude #1: Okay, well, here goes!
--Coney Island, New York
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
--Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
...Um, for the Dogs, I Mean
Guy, looking at girlfriend's dog sniffing another dog: Dog breeding is awesome!
--Newport Pier, Newport Beach, California
I Thought You Were Talking About Those Tourist Locals
Guy #1: Let's go local hunting.
Hot girl: I don't want to go fucking local hunting.
Guy #2: You should, it's mad fun. We went to this local party once and got kicked out.
Guy #1: Yeah, but we got the number of this kid who lives here.
Ugly girl: Wait. People live here?
--Westhampton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Doesn't live there
We'd Be Grifting on the Midway
Tank-topped boardwalk guy to friend: We're a different breed. If we were any closer to circus folk...
--Seaside Heights Boardwalk, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: twoferrets
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Get Back in the Dating Pool
Teen girl: I heard there are sharks in the lake.
Teen boy: That's probably not true.
Teen girl: It's true. Like, somebody got killed here by a shark.
Teen boy: I think you have upstate New York confused with anywhere with a shoreline.
Teen girl: But...
Teen boy: 'But'-nothing if you wanna get fucked later.
--Lake George, New York
Key West Is Famous for Its Two-Legged Appetite Suppressant
Man with no pants to girls leaving bar: Leaving so soon?
Girl: Uh, yeah...we're hungry. We're gonna go get some food.
Man with no pants: Why? There's plenty of sausages right here!
--Garden of Eden Bar, Key West, Florida
Overheard by: K
Sex Tourism's Most Popular Souvenir
Random guy to little boy: Hey, you have fun today?
Little boy: Yeah, sure, but I still haven't found those crabs.
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
Over There's Where Jesus Rested with the Cross
Gangsta kid to girl, on date: You see this spot right here? This is where Forrest Gump...stopped runnin'!
Girl, in disbelief: No way!
--Ocean City Boardwalk, Maryland
Overheard by: Tyler
Samuel Beckett Was Tanning Nearby, and the Rest Is History
Old lady at car: Henry, wait for me!
Old man carrying beach chairs half a block ahead of her: Dammit, Agnes, I'm going! I've been waiting for you for 40 years!
--Beach near Naples, Florida
Overheard by: X
How to Say "Yes" in Californian
Girl: Are you going to go back to 24 Hour Fitness?
Guy: Gayness in my anus...
--Pacific Beach, California
Is It My Turn to Talk?
Old fisherman: Don't be tanglin' your lines up with mine, son!
Younger fisherman: You want a beer?
Old fisherman: I saw a UFO fly right under that bridge one time.
Younger fisherman: You need a haircut.
--Creaky Dock, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
If There Were a God, Lightning Would Have Struck Them Both at this Point
Hairy man with large dog, to four young women: Are you here for the day?
Hot woman: No, we're just leaving. We have an appointment.
Hairy man: Really? What? Mani...pedi?
Hot woman: No. Sailing in Sag.
--Fying Point Beach, Southampton, New York
Overheard by: lolo
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
National Geographic Cinematographers Break New Ground
Guy to girl: There's some drunk people over there. Don't look at them.
--La Jolla, California
How You Know That Phrase Has Officially Peaked
Loud man on cell, walking across bridge: So I just said, "I want it all! I want to see it all!"
60-year-old woman to teenage granddaughter: That's what she said.
--Balboa, California
Or Maybe I'm Just Hungry.
Macho 20-something guy to macho friends: Hmm, I don't know. I'm just feeling a little bi-curious today.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: roxana
So Be Careful Opening Me--I May Spray
Jogging man to jogging woman: I still have a jiggling six-pack.
--English Bay, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: if it's jiggling, it ain't no six-pack
That Was on Tuesday, Britney
Trendy overdressed girl: Oh my god, did you see all those teenagers lurking outside? They think they're so fucking cool! God!
Trendy overdressed guy: I know.
Trendy overdressed girl: It's like, ever since we turned 20, I can't believe we ever hung out with people like that.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: 22-year-old who's glad she never hung out with either of them
They Go to Nude Country Clubs
Naked guy: Do you know why I love going to nude beaches?
Naked chick: Why?
Naked guy: No Republicans.
--Field 5, Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Stila
I Can Tell Because It Is Still Full
Cop, pointing to trash can filled rim with beer and alcohol bottles: Are all of these yours?
Tall man, pointing to one lone bottle: Well, that one's not mine.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Well I Was Going to Say "When It Comes to Reciting My Torah", You Ignorant Bastard.
Girl: I'm such a Jew when it comes to...
Boy, exasperated: Why can't you just say "frugal"?!
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
In Other Words, She'd Fuck Him Jewish
Dude: You know you're turning me on, right?
Hootchie: Do you want me to stop?
Dude: No. No, I don't.
Hootchie: If you didn't have a girfriend, I'd fuck you so hard you wouldn't recognize Jesus.
--Newport, Oregon
Overheard by: Sonora
So God Does Play Dice With the Universe!
Girl: He gets so tan!
Guy: I tell you, you look at his hand and you'd think that man was black!
Girl: You know, his mom's husband is black. That's why we tease him about that so much.
Guy: Really? His step-dad is black?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Wouldn't you be pissed?
Girl: Yeah, well, his mom treats him like shit anyway.
Brief pause.
Girl: I'm rethinking the doctor thing.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Yeah, surgeon or oncologist or whatever I become. I wouldn't be able to have a family.
--Rehoboth, Delaware
Overheard by: kristen
Wasn't This an Episode Of SVU?
Man on cell: Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady.
--Marine World, Vallejo, California
Overheard by: Keena Burt
This Year's Celebrity Apprentice Really Lacks Focus
Girl: So, I've finally decided what I want to do in life. I'm done with modeling. I am going to create a product, and sell it for charity.
Guy: Oh, that's cool. What's the charity?
Girl: I haven't decided yet. I'm still working on it.
Guy: Oh, okay.
Girl: I need to decide on the product too.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Why Flare Guns Are So Popular in Canadia
Man #1, hanging up cell: By the volleyball net? You can't find anyone at this beach by telling them "I'm by the volleyball net." That's like going downtown and telling someone "I'm by the pizza place."
Man #2: Or, "I'm by the hobo."
--Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Emimac
Just Breathe a Little Water and We're Good
Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn't have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin' someone in the ding-dong ain't gonna kill them.
Man: It might.
--Destin, Florida
They're Not Pregnant -- It's Just the Parasites
Guy: I wouldn't go in the water if I was you.
Girl: Why?
Guy: I think there's something in there that makes you pregnant.
Girl: Why do you say that?
Guy points to large group of pregnant women.
Girl: Oh...
--Coralville Reservoir, Coralville, Iowa
Plus It Helps Wash Down the Sand.
Male: Your kid is eating the sunscreen.
Female: It's okay, he's bright on the inside. It's good for him.
--Pacific Beach, California
That Sounds Like a Challenge
Guy: Oh, man, I've got salt in my penis now. That shit hurts.
Girl: I don't really think it matters what goes in my vagina.
--Melbourne Beach, Florida
Overheard by: H K
He Can Only be Killed with a Graphics Card Through the Heart
Wet teen boy #1, rubbing eyes: My eyes hurt.
Wet teen boy #2: From the salt?
Wet teen boy #1: Nah. I've been outside for two days. They're used to video game light only.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: long time mom
I Am Now One Ball Away from No Hot Chicks Ever Again
Guy #1: I can't believe he left us!
Guy #2: Yeah, me either. It really sucks being stuck on this fucking island with no hot chicks. I don't have a fucking shirt and I'm freezing my balls off!
Guy #1: Yeah, I know what you mean.
--St. Petersburg, Florida
The Eternal Question.
College girl to guy: Are you gonna put that thing in your bathing suit, or carry it?
--Hawaiian Inn, Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Do I wanna know?
He Became a Dwarf Just So He Could Say That
Dwarf to drunk chick at bar: So, have you ever had a dwarf go up on you?
--Manistee, Michigan
Overheard by: Gabby
You Have Kids, You Mellow Out
Guy: And something else I've thought about: what happened to God in between the Old and New Testaments? He went from vengeful to merciful. It just doesn't make sense.
Girl: He found God.
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
...You're Ruining This Sex!
Girl: It's funny, when I first met you, you were a virgin, and now you fuck everybody!
Guy, whining: Shut up!
--Smith Point, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tom and Katie
I'll Need a Ruler, Some Lotion, and a Box of Tissues
Girl: Check out that guy's package.
Guy: What?
Girl: Look at the guy in the Speedo.
Guy: No.
Girl: Just look. He's huge.
Guy: Damn. You're right. I'm embarrassed now. And I feel a little gay. I'm going to the bathroom.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Rob
You Look More Like a Woodpecker to Me, Though
Bearded man #1: Alright, man, I'll see you later.
Bearded man #2: Yeah, see ya.
Bearded man #1: I'll come by your window later and whistle for you. No, I'll do a bird call. Kaw! Kaw!
Bearded man #2: Okay, man.
Bearded man: #1: I'm a crow! I'm a raven! I love birds!
Bearded man #2: Alright, man, I hear you!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Likes birds too
Oh No, Sorry, those are Just My Kidney Stones
Man #1: Man, I've got some sandy nuts. Sannndy nuuuts!
Man #2: Dude, shake it over there. You're getting your nut-sand all over me.
--Ocean Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Daryl
Like Cock
Big Brooklyn dude #1: I really wanna see The Devil Wears Prada. I heard it's the funniest movie ever.
Big Brooklyn dude #2: Yeah, man, but I really wanna read the book first.
Big Brooklyn dude #1: Yeah, yeah! It's not just for chicks, man!
Big Brooklyn dude #2: It's not just for chicks.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Dear Diary: Still Alone. Can't Figure Out Why.
Girl to guy with oddly-shaped swimsuit: What kind of a tan line do you have?
Guy: Get the hell away from me! I don't know you!
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
There's Nothing Like Nature to Bring Families Closer Together
Canoeing dad, looking back: I think we lost William entirely.
Canoeing guy: Who's Tyler?
--Blue River, Milltown, Indiana
Another Fake Place
Guy #1: You're from Kazakhstan? Isn't that where Borat is from?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: I thought that place was fake. I didn't know it was a real place.
Guy #2: Borat is from England.
--Miami Beach
Not New Jersey: In Other Words, 'They're Real'
Woman, talking about a topless sunbather: Is that a man?
Guy: No.
Woman: God, that is so not New Jersey.
--South Beach, Miami
Overheard by: Marty
If I'm to Believe Your Hand
Girl: Wait, so I'm cheating on you... with myself?!
Guy: Exactly!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Raise Your Hand If You're Sick Of Eminem
Sweaty dude on boardwalk: I wrote a poem the other day. Wanna hear it?
Sweaty female companion, jogging away: Aw, hell no!
--Tampa, Florida
Unlike Those Adult Babies Who Give You Giant Scars
60-something naked man: Yeah, but he was born at a very young age too.
--Sunny Isles, Florida
Overheard by: Kris
On Landlines, Mostly
Ditzy chick: What are you doing today?
Skater kid: Chillin' like a villain.
Other girl: The '90s called - they want 'Chillin' like a villain' back.
Ditzy chick: How do the '90s call?
--Ventnor, New Jersey
No, Just My Mom
Dude: Hey, where do you girls go for fun? [They ignore him.] You're just gonna ignore me? Not a 'Fuck you'? Nothing? Bitch!
Chick: You kiss your dick with that mouth?
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
I Thought It Was a Floating Penitentiary
Guy: What's the capital of... Iraq?
Girl: Baghdad.
Guy: Lebanon?
Girl: Beirut.
Bimbo: Oh my god, how do you know all this? Have you been to these countries?
Girl #1: Yeah, because they're all such fun places to go visit...
Bimbo: I don't know any capitals except like Australia.
Guy: I'm sure you do, what about New Zealand?
Bimbo: That's a country?!
--Melbourne, Australia
Eh, You Don't Know Squat.
Guy to Dachshund: Sit!
Girl: He doesn't really need to sit, he is so close to the ground.
--Tampa, Florida
Belinda Calls 'em As She Sees 'em
Guy standing in front of store: I can't believe it! That little girl just said "asshole"! I can't believe it! (gestures at two-year-old inside parked car)
Little girl: Asshole!
Guy: I can't believe it that little girl said "asshole" again!
Mother: Ni-iiice.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: ISPgypsy
I Was Thinking Later, You Might Wanna -- Oww! For Fuck's Sake! Stop Doing That!
Drunken man, hitting on woman: Your eyes melt the elastic band in my swim trunks!
--Grand Beach, Manitoba
Overheard by: Tanning @ The beach
It's a Seller's Market
Man #1: Hey, man, what you doing?
Man #2: Oh, nothing. Just watching this whore getting a customer across the street.
Man #1: Huh? How do you know she's a whore?
Man #2: 'Cause we've been standing here for about an hour and she's been leaning against different cars talking, getting in, leaving, and coming back. Besides, she's dressed like a whore.
Man #3: So are half the people here.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Les
...Chug on That.
Drunk chick on raft: Hey, Mike*, would you love Kelly* more if she did a beer funnel?
Mike*, on another raft: We're married. I don't have to love her at all.
--Rafting Down Delaware River
Overheard by: twoferrets
NewsFlash: "Whence" Makes Comeback. Film at 11.
20-something male, chasing after another with driftwood: Go back to the sea from whence you came!
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
What? A Butt's a Butt, Right?
Dude #1, looking at girl's butt: I'd say about a six.
Dude #2: Yeah... Out of a hundred!
Dude #1: Okay, fine. What about her... Eight?
Dude #2: Nah.
Dude #1: Well, what do you think?
Dude #2: That man's about an eight.
Dude #1: Dude...
--Gold Coast, Australia
Aw, Don't Get Sore at Her.
Guy: So I went to the party last night... and she gave me a BJ. Told you I was beast.
Friend: Well, she has herpes, so you should get tested.
Guy: That whore!
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
Beer! Why Didn't I Think of That?
Guy #1: Look at that girl over there! Now if that isn't hot, I don't know what is.
Guy #2: Don't even dream about it! She's at least a nine.
Guy #1: Well, then, I'll just go over and talk to her, and when we start making out, you can cry yourself to sleep.
A guy with a beer walks over and kisses her.
Guy #1: Well played, sir.
--Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York
Not Exactly Rent, But It'll Do
Tanned man #1: Look at those fags over there!
Tanned man #2: Which ones?
Tanned man #1: The two over there, sitting with those four hot girls with the fine asses, big tits, and tiny bikinis.
Tanned man #2: Wait. You and I are alone. Those two guys have two girls each. Sounds like we're the fags.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: D Meyers
They're Trying to Imagine a Black Dude, Obviously
Queer #1: Charles, look, there's another one. He's white, and the other looks Asian.
Holds up large signs that say "6" and "4," respectively.
Queer #2: Definitely!
Queer #1: Oh, wow. Look at this one. Latino. Yummmm!
Holds up sign that says "9."
Queer #2: Oh, yes. Totally!
Straight girl, walking by: What are you two doing? Comparing guys' looks?
Queer #1: Uhh...
Queer #2: Breeder, please. The Asian guy is a 4, the white guy is a 6, and the Latino guy a 9. What do you think we're trying to imagine?
--Sunset Beach, Florida
Overheard by: MangoJoe
And Me with Only Two Hands
Small boy gazing in awe: All the tooshie...
--Caroline Bay, Timaru, New Zealand
Overheard by: [LadyFlash]
Sometimes the Cure's Worse Than the Disease, Though
Beach guy #1: We need to find some slutty girls tonight.
Beach guy #2: Yeah, sluts are great for hangovers.
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jellyfish Jaq
I Blame All the Retirees Who Move Here
Driver, turning off radio and looking back: You know you live in a shitty neighborhood when you can't tell if the sirens are coming from outside or your gangster rap cd.
--Sulphur Springs, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Killsborough
The Ringside Judges Have Me Ahead on Points
Man on cell: Yeah, Paul* and I aren't friends anymore. He used my credit card and owes me $4000. Plus, it probably doesn't help that I've been having sex with his mom... repeatedly.
--Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amused Passenger
What's the Answer That Won't Have You Thinking I'm Gay?
Guy to girl: I have a wiener dog that is a pain in the ass!
Girl: Is that supposed to be a pun?
--Tampa, Florida
Is Made Of Honor the Shittiest Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Girl to guy: So, wait, remind me again when you told me you were going to be a bridesmaid. I feel like I haven't been making fun of you enough for that.
Guy: It was a while ago.
Girl: Wow, I have some major mocking to do!
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
She Could Be a Piñata that Hasn't Been Hung
Guy pointing out girl with tampon string hanging out of her bikini: Dude, that chick is either on her period, or she just fucked a tea bag.
--Bronte Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Hamish The Li
Nice Goiter
Cute girl walking down the boardwalk: I've been stared at seven times already!
Random guy walking past: Eight.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
'Cause, If So, It's Totally Your Turn
A black man cuts in line ahead of two anorexic JAPs.
Anorexic JAP #1: Why are we here again?
Anorexic JAP #2: Ugh, I know! This would never happen back in Boca!
Black man: Eat something, you Jewish popsicles!
Anorexic JAP #1: Did he just ask us to give him a blowjob?
--Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Laughing
...While I'm Asleep
Guy #1: What's going on? The sun went down but it's still raining?
Guy #2: Dude, why would the sun going down make it stop raining?
Guy #1: No, it totally does! It never rains at night.
--Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Matt
Yes, Just Keep It Away from My Nipples
Dude #1: That girl is hot!
Dude #2: I'd like to duct tape her to a chair!
Dude #2's girlfriend: You're into that?
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Well, It Seems Like the Appropriate Thing to Do.
Girl #1: Can you stop touching your junk in front of me?
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #2: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #1: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #3: Can we touch each other's junk?
Boy, girl #1 and #2: What?
--Deerfield Beach
Florida
Only Kidding, Pookie - I Love Your Soft Little Vienna Sausage
Salesman: Gringo, gringo. Mexican wrestling mask, Nacho Libre!
Guy: No, dude, sorry. I already bought two today.
Salesman: Señorita, one for you?
Girl: Um, no, thanks.
Salesman: Come on... it will be something different for tonight!
Girl: If I wanted something different, we'd be at the farmacia buying Cialis.
--Puerto Nuevo, Mexico
And, Hopefully, Back in, and So on, with a Repetitive Motion
Guy #1: Welcome, shrinkage!
Guy #2: My dick is inside my belly.
Guy #1: Yeah, it's about to poke out of my ass.
--Sea Isle, New Jersey
Overheard by: Didn't go into the water
As Befits a Vacation in Cumbria
Girl looking at others on beach: What freaks!
Guy: Emma, I'm waving a spatula and you're counting waves.
Girl: Logic accepted.
--St. Bees, England
You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God
Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.
--Santa Cruz, California
Your Editors Have Paid Extra for Titty Gum-- True Story
Guy: Hey, do you have any gum?
Annoying girl: Yeah, I do... You can't have this one, but you can have this kind. (pulls gum out of bra)
Guy: Ew! I don't want that! It's titty gum.
Annoying girl: It's not titty gum.
Brunette girl: You can have some of my gum.
Guy: Is it in your titties?
Brunette girl, looking down shirt. Nope.
Guy: Okay!
--Canadia
I've Also Decided I'm an Elderly Asian Woman This Week
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm on the beach. I told you, I'm in the Caribbean this week.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: debbie downer
Florida Girls Are, Well, Different
Sailor #1, in bathroom: Ew! I saw your dick!
Sailor #2: Ew! You wish!
--Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: disturbed roommate
...Is the Title Of My New Documentary.
Guy at table full of intently listening people: Imagine 50 pounds of animal defecating inside your house! That's a lot of shit!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
And What Exactly Do You Sell Again?
Man, answering phone: Talbot Street Watersports, how may I help you?
Customer: Oh, what street are you on?
Man: Still on Talbot Street.
Customer: Oh, good... I was just checking.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC Rocket
I've Never Had a Boss Who Was So Tough to Swallow
Male boater to girl that always gets yelled at by the boss: So, are you thinking of doing this job again next summer?
Girl: Not if it means working for Rich. He's left a bad taste in my mouth.
--Lake George, New York
Even Dick Sucking?
Furious teenage boy to other teens: Just because you call "no-homo" before you do something doesn't mean it's not gay!
--Coney Island, New York
Was Matthew McConaughey's Surfer, Dude the Worst Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Guy with board, about water: It's flatter than my abs out here!
--Perdido Key, Florida
Can You Get One Against Freddy Krueger?
Older man: Look, if you're really worried about it...
Younger woman, with full mouth: I am! I'm having trouble sleeping.
Older man: Then you should get a restraining order.
--Beach Footpath, Australia
Overheard by: I Wish I Heard the Start
Hey, You're Hot -- I'm Just Saying You're Skanky
Dude stopping intense make-out: Um, you're not gonna tell anyone about this...
Chick: What?!
Dude: Well, I mean, look at you...
Chick: I'm going to tell your mom about this.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Mik
It's a Wise Child Who Knows His Fatherland
Girl to guy: Yeah, my parents are from Denmark, I know, it's "Deutschland"... I'm Dutch.
--Hamilton Island Beach, Australia
Overheard by: JJ
Time to Invest in a Bathtub?
Dude: This beach trip has been so awesome!
Chick: We've been here all week, and you haven't walked down to the beach once.
Dude: Yeah, but it's great to just sit around, drink, and get high.
Chick: You do that at home.
Dude: But I can see the water from the window. At home all I see is the parking lot.
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Psh, Take All Those Rings Off and Come Talk to Me
Girl to boy: Damn, look at those calluses on your hands! Do you masturbate with sandpaper or something?
--Tampa, Florida
I'm Your Wife, Bob.
Magician to middle-aged woman: Put your pointer fingers out, and point them about five inches apart. (woman does, but it looks more like three inches) I don't know what guy told you that was 5 inches...
--Carnival Valor, Caribbean Sea
If My Slut License Didn't Say I Have To
Guy #1: She told me that she wants to see other people.
Guy #2: You're taking this all the wrong way. Now, you can nail that slut over there and she can't be mad at you when you get back together!
Slut: I would never have you.
--Long Beach, New York
It Would Have Had the Same Effect on My Cock
Chick: I don't know why you wanted to come to a nudist beach... It's all old, gay, wrinkled men here. They're all staring at me and the water is so cold -- you look teeny.
Dude: I know, I should have just had you walk around naked at home.
--Gunnison Beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey
But It Comes With a Bag of Chimps
Man: One small monkey bread, please.
Girl: What's a monkey bread?
Man: I have no idea.
--Monkey Bread Café, Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kristin
Now You Know How the Anteater Feels
Guy on cell: All you have to do is suck one cock and they'll call you a cocksucker for the rest of your life.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Harell
The Pause was to Think about It
Teen boy: Yo, you're hot. How old are you?
Girl: Eleven. But I'm turning twelve in three days.
Teen boy: ... Bye.
--Emerald Isle, North Carolina
Translation: the Ocean Scares Me
Young black male: Yo, I wish this was an urban beach. Like Chicago.
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
Like, for Instance, Why They Call Me "Wolf Breath"
Man outside single bathroom door: Wolf breath, what are you doing in there?
Woman, from inside bathroom: What the fuck do you think I'm doing in here? What the fuck do you do in the bathroom?
Man outside bathroom: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli
And This Next Slide Is Me on Mars...
Chinese guy #1, taking picture: It's too bad the American flag is fluttering in the background.
Chinese guy #2, posing for the shot: Don't worry, I'll photoshop it to a Chinese flag on my computer.
Translated from the Chinese.
--Laguna Beach, California
Overheard by: Jackie
And That's How Johnny Cash Got the Idea for 'Delia's Gone'
Little sister: Bury me! Bury me!
Big brother: No, I can't marry you. That'd be disgusting.
Little sister: BURY me!
Big brother: No, no, I can't marry you! Stop it!
Little sister: I said BURY me, stupid!
--Orchard Beach, New York
Overheard by: Anais Borg-Marks