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It Swam Right in Front of My Car
Husband, excited at seeing a washed up, dead whale: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer? Well, wait 'til you see this!
--Fernandina Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Katred
Mom: This Can of Refuse is Called 'Pizza,' Billy. It's a Special Treat!
Little boy: I like pizza!
Older guy: Me too.
Little boy: I eat pizza in a garbage pail!
--Sun & Surf Beach Club, Atlantic Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kristen
CSI: Beach Edition
Guy: Okay, first person to find a used condom wins a prize!
--Coney Island Beach, New York
I'd Never Forgive Myself If They Dented a Lexus
Muscle guy: Damn, that Lexus just hit that kid on a bike in front of Circle Pizza!
Blonde woman: Wait what? Was it one of mine?
Muscle guy: No, yours are jumping off the bridge.
Blonde woman: Oh, thank god.
--St Avalon, New Jersey
Overheard by: Himbo
Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time
Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
Could the World Continue in My Absence?
14-year-old boy, looking at tide chart: Dude, I don't get it! High tide is at 9:55 p.m., but this place closes at eight!
--Crescent Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kevin and Elissa
That Reminds Me, When is Mom Up for Parole?
Chick: I can't stand it when people smoke at the beach. It's such a wrong thing to do in a place like this.
Dude: Smoking at the beach is like killing someone at a birthday party.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Peter
The House Used to Belong to a Black Man
Lady: You have an awfully long deck.
Homeowner: Thanks... Oh, you said 'deck.'
--Topsail Island, North Carolina
Overheard by: Jim
So I Only Hurt Myself
Drunk guy: I'm scared of you... You look dangerous, like you could beat somebody up.
Drunk girl: What? Why?
Drunk guy: It's the headband, you look like you know karate.
Drunk girl: I don't know karate, I know yoga.
--Beaufort, South Carolina
Overheard by: Wish I had that logic....
She's Never Going to Let That One Go
Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: JD
I Didn't Slap You, I High-Fived Your Face
Dude: I didn't steal the Bentley. I hijacked it.
Girl: [Slaps him.]
--Oean Isle, North Carolina
This Pick-Up Line Works Better with His Own Sex
Duke guy: Have you read Rebecca?
Duke girl: Of Sunnybrook Farm?
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Like a Computer, Baby!
20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?
--Boat, Boston Harbor
Overheard by: Deck Hand
Later, He Compared the Birth of His First Child to Eating a Shotgun
Guy #1: So, I think I'm going to ask Catherine* to marry me next weekend.
Guy #2: Where you going to get married?
Guy #1: Does a man who's about to jump off a building worry about where they'll bury the body?
--Bobcaygeon, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Keith
Or We'll Kill You
Girl (pointing to sign on lifeguard tower): Hah! I thought that said "Dying is dangerous and prohibited" for a sec.
Guy: You're crazy. It says "diving!"
Girl: (pause) I know. But.. oh, whatever.
Lifeguard: Yes--we have a very strict policy... No dying!
--Corona Del Mar Beach, California
Overheard by: Dee
My Love for Him Burns Long and Strong
Man to friends: He's a pyromaniac from way back.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bonnie
Who Admits to Being a Hipster?
Girl: Do you hipsters wear glasses?
Boy: Only if it's not necessary.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Paperback Writer
And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes
Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.
--Rockway Beach, NY
They Slice, They Dice, They Make Julienne Cousin!
Man, carrying two hands full of knives: Knives for sale! Knives for sale! 100 dollars! Getting tired of your brother, your cousin, your mother-in-law? Knives for sale! You feeling suicidal? Knives! Knives for sale! 100 dollars!
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
Overheard by: Elle
That's How I Spend My Christmas Bonus
Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: girl #1
No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese
Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.
--Virginia Beach
After All that Training with the Ping-Pong Balls, It's Just a Reflex
Chick: You didn't bring the towels?!
Dude: Sorry, I forgot! Just lay in the sand!
Chick: I can't! You know it always gets up inside of me!
--Daytona Beach, Florida
The Traffic Lets Up, But Breathing Becomes Difficult
Guy on cell: When the freeway ends, turn left...Yes, the freeway ends....Because the continent ends, dipshit.
--Hermosa Beach, California
You May Have to Steal Uncle Gadget's Hydrocar...
Blond overtanned guy: Wow, I would rather like to be laying on the beach in Spain right now!
Blond overtanned girl: Yeah, and we could like drive down to Mexico and stuff!
Blond overtanned guy: Hmm...no. You don't drive down to Mexico from Spain...
Blond overtanned girl: Oh! Wrong direction? Is it to the left?
--Nauthólsvík Beach, Iceland
Overheard by: the guy who wishes he wasn't blonde
If Gigolos Were Allowed to Telemarket
Man on phone: How about I stick my penis in your vagina?
Woman on the other end of the phone, loudly: How bout...no.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: couldn't contain
Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?
Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
She Got Some Dead Girl's Old Breast Implants
Waiter to customer: Sir, you just missed her. She looks hotter. She just got a transplant.
--South Padre Island, Texas
This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been
Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ilyse
I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?
Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!
--Robert Moses, New York
Overheard by: Zep
That's What in English We Call 'What a Penis Looks Like in Japan'
Boss: What do you call this finger in English?
Employee: The ring finger.
Boss: Ok, how about this one?
Employee: Uh, hold it right there [takes a picture] That's the middle finger.
Boss: I see. How about the little one?
Translated from the Japanese
--Beach BBQ in Toyama, Japan
A+
Girl with textbook: What's the capital of the United States?
Boy: Washington, DC?
Girl with textbook: How many eggs to a dozen?
Boy: 12?
Girl with textbook: Where are the Jews?
Boy: Long Island?
--New York
Can't Be Hard to Find in a Bee Cup
Southern blonde to older, female family members: Aaaah, there's a bee in my titties!
(commotion ensues)
Sketchy guy, loudly: I'll look for it if you want.
--San Juan Beach, Puerto Rico
Couldn't We Just Have Played Wii Beach?
Guy walking on the sand: I fucking hate the beach! I hate sand and it's not getting any better. Look, more sand!
--Jones Beach, New York
I'm Also Vague on the Big Square States in the Middle Of the Country
Young dude with skateboard: Yeah, so I love it out here so far. This is my first year here, I just moved from New Hampshire.
Middle aged lady in short gym shorts: Oh, that's nice... Is that in Maine?
Dude: Uh... Well, it's by Maine...(motioning) Here's New Hampshire, here's Maine.
Lady: Oh, so New Hampshire's a state on its own? Oh my gosh, I feel like I should know that!
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Vanessa
Drools a Lot, Though
Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, "my nipples don't argue."
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: raerae
The One Who Wrote Me This Stinging Letter
Man, ranting: ...and then there's the fucking chicken!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: I always have that problem...
They're the Katie Couric Of Mammaries!
Hot girl to extremely fat guy transfixed by her boobs: What, are you comparing size? Shape? Cause mine might not be as big as yours, but they're far perkier.
--Uvongo Beach, South Africa
Overheard by: dizziebean
Then It Would Be Lake Superior
Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
Bush Surrendered Cheney Almost Immediately
Man: ... So I just walked out of there with two heads of cabbages and a hand full of cash... And I walked up to him and said, 'Give me that goat!'
--Restaurant, Mammoth, California
Why Kelly Osborne Stays Home Most of the Time
Chick: Okay, that girl over there is the ugliest girl I've ever seen.
Dude: You're so mean. [Dude looks] Oh my god!
Chick: I told you!
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Cols
Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?
Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral...
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven't.
Guy #1: You're a fucking moron.
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut
Whether She Enjoyed It or Not
Latino guy #1: I'm gonna fuck her so hard she'll feel it in her culo.
Latino guy #2: If she really loved you, she'd let you stick it in her culo.
--Boardwalk, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Geni
Like, for Instance, Why They Call Me "Wolf Breath"
Man outside single bathroom door: Wolf breath, what are you doing in there?
Woman, from inside bathroom: What the fuck do you think I'm doing in here? What the fuck do you do in the bathroom?
Man outside bathroom: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli
Drugs or Schizophrenia? Discuss.
Homeless guy to guy with extremely long hair: Oh my god! Is that hair real?
Guy with extremely long hair: Yes.
Homeless guy: Oh my god! I'm a midget!
--Santa Cruz, California
This Is What Happens When We Don't Bring the Electric Collar
Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, finding Molly sitting quietly: Oh, there you are.
--Lewes Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: maybe next time, take Molly with you
Your Ass and My Cock, Pal
Guy #1: Hey, what if you had a donkey? Haha.
Guy #2: Yeah, if I had a donkey. Haha. If I had a donkey and you had a rooster, haha.
Guy #1: Exactly.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Would This Lecture Be More Effective If I Demonstrated with a Raw Egg?
Man: Remember to say no to crack, Joseph. Okay?
Little boy: Huh?
--Indiana Dunes State Park, Indiana
Overheard by: Breet
Loss of Virginity's Contagious
[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!
Just Wait 'til Prom, Buddy
Teen boy, looking at boogie board: Oh, man... My nipples are gonna get it.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate H
That's What Sock Drawers Are For
Drinking dude: He was a cool guy until he pissed in the closet.
--Long Beach, New York
Some People Collect Seashells...
Girl to two guys: Do you guys have a spare cigarette?
Guy #1: Yeah, here ya go. (gives her a cigarette)
Girl to guy #2: How about you?
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: lorax
In Paradise the Garbage Men Will Have Doctorates
30-Something business dude: I've traveled a lot, man, and I've been to Costa Rica, and there are no Indians there. Like, people are educated, and there are people with Master's degrees driving taxi cabs and stuff!
--Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Be-deez nuts
I Prefer, "Once More Onto the Beach, Dear Friends!"
Woman: If you get pulled out by a rip tide you shouldn't even bother to fight it, right? Because you're already dead.
Man: She's giving herself a pep talk.
--Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: beach comber
It's Either that or the Charred English Schoolboy with Mango Salsa
Female snowbird: Conch fritters? What's conch?
Male snowbird: Didn't you read Lord of the Flies? You need the conch shell to talk.
Female snowbird: You want me to eat a ceremonial shell?
--Frenchy's, Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sarah d.
You'd Think It'd Come Out Along with the Condom
Teen boy: Let's go back in the water since I have sand in my ass.
--San Clemente Beach, California
Overheard by: Wanted to kill this kid
And You're Pretty Smart, Not Like a Blonde
Guy to couple: Hi!
Blonde wife: See, they're nice here, not like in California.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: cherry picker
Let's Discuss It While I Bleed Out
Chick: Fuck, I stepped on a piece of glass!
Dude: Was it beach glass?
Chick: I don't know... We're at the beach... Probably.
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: monkey
If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible
Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?
--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Responsible Tourist
Have You Donated Money to War-Torn Soy Sauce Yet?
Asian guy: We should get some fish and chips.
Asian girl: Ooh, I love tartar sauce. It's my favorite continent.
Asian guy: What?
--Steveston Pier, Richmond, British Columbia
[Sigh] I Jack Off to Ideas a Lot
30-ish guy #1: I see you're sporting the side ponytail.
30-ish girl: Just for you!
30-ish guy #2: Yeah, I bet you're gonna jack off to that side ponytail.
30-ish guy #1: No! I jack off to the idea of the side ponytail. They're coming back, I tell ya!
--Summerfest, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: the only sober person there
Many Adults Make the Same Face for Both
Bald man to baby on blanket (in baby voice): Do you have somethin' to say? Are you thinkin'? Are you thinkin'? Yes you are.
Woman next to him: He's pooping.
Bald man: Are you poopin'? Are you poopin'? Yes you are!
--Sunset Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Emma
Or I Will Have It, After Three Easy Payments of $49.99
(in line at a grocery checkout)
Guy: I'm really excited about watching more movies, old ones and new ones. (pause) Now that I've got my soul back.
--Huntington Beach, California
Take That Back, Motherfucker!
(after a person in a full Elmo suit was chased down the beach)
Guy #1: Elmo was a lady!
Guy #2: Elmo is a bitch.
--Coney Island, New York
I'll Just Do a Chick and Think About My Mom
Dude #1: I'd really like to do a girl and her mom at the same time.
Dude #2: I don't think you're gonna have any luck here. All these chicks look like they're between 18 and 25.
Dude #1: So, what's your point?
--Cancun, Mexico
Overheard by: Beach Frog
So All I Need Is a Tan
Fat girl, to friend: That tan girl looks better in my bikini than I do.
Random guy walking by: Yeah, she does.
--Traverse City, Michigan
Overheard by: Cari
Jonathan Richman: Hey, He Was Never Called an Asshole!
Skater punk to another: Dude, seriously, fuck Picasso.
--Venice Beach, California
The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch
Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!
--Paradise Island, The Bahamas
Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer
You Were Listening to Coldplay
Teen boy: Fucking faggots!
Queer: How can he tell I'm gay?
Lesbo: How can he tell I'm a lesbian? What, do we exude a flamboyantly-homosexual aura or something? Fuck, we're cuddling with a member of the opposite gender, and people still know we're gay! Damn, it's like P.E. class all over again.
--Delta, British Columbia, Canadia
Some Of Us Should Keep Our Shirts on at the Beach
Woman #1: You really should have seen this guy's boobs, they were huge.
Woman #2: So he needed a bra?
Man #1: A bro.
Man #2 (with hands on hips, triumphantly): A manzier!
Woman #1: What he needed was some testosterone!
--Hawaii
Overheard by: Festivus for the Rest of Us
I Think They Still Get Points for a Liver-Stab, Jimmy
Dude #1: Wouldn't it be cool if you could just get surgery to switch your heart and, say, your liver?
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: Then, if someone came up to you and said, "I'm gonna stab you in the heart!" you could be like, "I'd like to see you try!"
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Suprchick
Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'
Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You're on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says 'Come on in.'
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don't. That's what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I'll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You'll forget. Do it now. No one's watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I'm going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.
--Destin, Florida
Why Bars Play Loud Music: Explained
Spring breaker girls to group of 30-something guys: Hey, you guys want us to take your picture for you?
Guys: Huh?
Girls: Do you want us to take the shot?
Guys: A shot? Tequila? You girls like patron? Waitress! Shots!
Girls: Wow, that was easy...
--Key West, Florida
And I'd Miss That If I Were in Jail
Dude #1: All I'm saying is, at some point she'll be 23 and damn sexy.
Dude #2: You have a good point.
--Cupsogue Beach, Westhampton, New York
Overheard by: sas
There's No "U" in My Cunt, Pal
30-something Guido to pretty girl: Hey. I hear you're looking for a stud. I've got the STD, all I need is "u."
--Pacific Beach, California
JAP Repellant 2K6
Girl: If I use cooking oil, do you think I'll tan twice as fast?
Boy: No, but you'll probably smell like bacon.
--Corolla, Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: Mandy
How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step
Man #1, stopping at free sample of fuge: Ohhh, fudge.
Man #2: Damn! It has nuts in it.
Man #1: I like nuts of all kinds.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once
Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!
--Playa Del Rey, CA
No, My Family Comes to See Me
Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah... And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?
--Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut
Overheard by: Forgot my iPod
And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!
Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rafaela
...I Just Use This One to Reach It
Small child, screaming: Do you have a boat?
Man in giant boat off shore: Yes.
--North Carolina
Overheard by: jen
So, Ummm... How Do You Look with Them Off?
Tourist guy #1: I never thought you'd look good in Bermuda shorts.
Tourist guy #2: Right.
Tourist guy #1: But you do! You really do!
--Broadsands, South Devon, United Kingdom
So That's Why Garfield Is Always So Hungry
Hippie, to the cat he is walking on a leash: Did you eat my pot?
--Ocean Beach, San Diego
The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut
40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!
--La Jolla, California
Overheard by: Confetti Bomb
I Have to Tell You, I Don't See a Downside to Any of That
Perv #1: Dude, check out that girl!
Perv #2: Which one?
Perv #1: Over there, in the yellow suit!
Perv #2: What? She can't be more than twelve!
Perv #1: Dude, I would totally do her!
Perv #2: You need help, man. She doesn't even have tits.
Perv #1: I'm not a titty man.
Perv #2: Yeah, well, your boyfriend in prison will be glad to hear that.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Steve
And You Took a Dump in Their Ceremonial Urn
American: Why did she stare at me like that? Is my accent that horrible? Did I say something wrong?
Japanese-American: Your accent isn't that bad. But you made the Japanese "fuck you" gesture with your hands.
--Beach near Tokyo
Laura Bush Can Be Amazingly Forceful at Times
Obnoxiously drunk ho as she leans on bro for support: Don't even think about thinking!
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Don't Expect Sparkling Conversation During Your Boat Ride to the Isle of the Dead
Guy: Um, do you know where the water is?
Lady: Cold.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Strategic Incompetence Is Clearly the Way to a Woman's Heart
Guy: If they try to get you to cook dinner, don't do it. That's how they try to control you.
--Redondo Beach, California
Emotionally
Guido in wife beater and jeans halfway down his ass: Anal sex hurts me.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Like Nature's Turkey-Timers, They Tell Me When I'm Done
Guy (getting out of water): It's okay now, my nipples are hard.
--Pensacola, Florida
And Were Shaped Like Either a Horse or a Teacup, Depending Upon Who You Ask
New Jersey Guido: His nipples were as big as clouds...
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Peter Butter and Gina Jam
Omagah, Except for Now!
Blond waitress to patron: I'm like one of those, you know. The kind that don't make mistakes.
--Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California
It's Never Too Early to Tell Someone He Has a Small Penis
Cheesy 15-year-old boy: I can't believe you were about to go up to him and say that. Ha, ha, ha.
Cheesy 15-year-old girl: Wouldn't be the first time I made someone cry.
Cheesy 15-year-old boy: You're a whore.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Marijuana: The Universal Language
Guatemalan teen, passing American teen on the beach: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Bro, I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Mexican or whatever that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
American teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why didn't you say that the first time?
--Monte Rico, Guatemala
Overheard by: MangoJoe
I'll Take That Silence to Mean It's Been Your Lifelong Dream
Old short man: When was the last time you were with an old and short man?
19-year-old girl: (silence)
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Stephanie Wall
A Blonde Twin
40-something guy: That must be like an all-you-can-eat salad bar of STDs!
60-something guy: She's a twin.
--Pancake House, Redondo Beach, California
Otherwise Known As Britney's New Fragrance Believe
Girl: I like the smell of that. What is it?
Guy: Garbage.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: zsaint
Twenty Minutes and Dozens of Claw Cuts Later, Mike Had His Answer
Random guy named Mike, after hitting on girl for twenty minutes: You know, I've always wondered, can crabs get crabs?
--Ship Bottom, Long Beach Island, California
Overheard by: beachweek '06
...Put It to Work, and Earn My Money Back.
Guy: And the guy is complaining about the price of birth control! "Forty dollars?" he's saying... "For that price, I'd rather have a baby!"
--Long Beach, Long Island
Overheard by: Colleen
As Depicted in Debbie Does Dorsal-Fins
Drunk guy to girl: Hey, heeeeey. Sometimes I think about dolphins.
Girl (annoyed): Okay...
Drunk guy: Yes! See, they have sex for pleasure, like humans.
(girl giggles and walks away with friends)
--Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia
I Thought it was Pretty Unequivocal When I Achieved Penetration
Girl: I had this weird dream about anal sex last night. I think it was from when you were joking around when I was bent over the sink before.
Boy: I wasn't joking around.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
Florida's Well-Known for Its Cracker Production
Boy with pretty eyes: So I told her "porch monkey" is a racial slur.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yeah?
Boy with pretty eyes: And she says she doesn't know anybody named Rachel.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yes she does, her cousin's name is Rachel.
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
You Could Have Had a Friend in Pennsylvania, But Nooo...
Tourist guy: I hate these tourists! They think they're so cool, just coming down for the weekend in their little homes, fucking up the traffic and making parking difficult. Go home!
Local teen: Your license plate says you're from Pennsylvania.
Tourist guy: I rent for the summer. I guess I'm kinda like you, in a sense.
Local teen: Bitch, please.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: beach native
...I'm Sally, by the Way.
Girl to boy: Look at the sea otters! So romantic! ...touch my breasts.
--Tacoma, Washington
With Really Nice Tits
Guy #1: Dude, dude! Tits.
Guy #2: Where?
Guy #1 motions to a topless sunbather.
Guy #2: Dude. That's a guy.
--Miami, Florida
Four Being the Tipping Point for Homosexuality
Naked guy #1: My girlfriend thinks it's weird that you and I come here every weekend.
Naked guy #2: Why? Did you tell her Mike and Rob come too?
Naked guy #1: Nah dude, I don't want her to think we're gay.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Used Diapers: the End of Many a Fantasy
Girl: Ooh, it's so pretty here...like on Lost!
Guy (stepping around litter): Yeah, complete with used diapers.
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: The Other
Wow, That Takes All the Glamour Out Of My Alcohol Abuse
Boy: You should have come out last night! It was the best pub crawl ever!
Girl: Yeah? Which pub crawl was it?
Boy's girlfriend, unimpressed: It wasn't a pub crawl. It was just him... going to a lot of pubs... by himself.
--Gold Coast, Australia
...Is This Milkshake in My Ears??
Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh... What?
Girl: Oh. Uh... what?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: tner
Hmmm. What Are These Euphemisms For?
Guy: Can you pass the ChapStick? Because "lip gloss" has the taint.
--Cambria, California
Overheard by: nadia
It Has Its Hands Full Warming the Globe
Beach patrol: Ma'am, I am going to have to ask you to put on your top. This is not a "clothing optional" beach.
Man sitting with topless woman: Leave her alone. She is trying to get a full body tan.
Beach patrol: Sir, I think you are asking quite a bit from the sun.
--Fort Macon, North Carolina
Overheard by: El Gee
To Be Fair, What American Would?
Woman, putting lotion on man's back: How long have your parents been married?
Man: A long time: 25 or 30 years...
Woman: So your parents got married after you were born?
Man: No.
Woman: But you're 40! Okay, now you're scaring me. I just spilled half the bottle of lotion on your back. That would be 3.5 ounces. I'd explain it to you but you wouldn't understand.
--Fort De Soto Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ishkabibble
Angry Sex Is What It Means in South Beach
Girl: Stop being so hostile.
Boy: I'm not, I'm just angry and annoyed. What does "hostile" mean?
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: HH
We Named Him Andreas, After the Fault
Guy, about his infant son's abnormally long ass crack: Some day that one's gonna be the toast of San Francisco.
--Sullivan's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Reading Man
He'll Have His Own Travel Show Within Six Months
Man with thick Russian accent to group of dancing girls: Shake it, shake it!
(seriously) But do not break it.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Your Pants Say It's Too Late For That
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I don't take off my shoes at the beach.
Baggy-Pants boy #2: How are you going to walk in the water?
Baggy-Pants boy #1: I'll just keep them on. Is there a law that says you have to be barefoot in the ocean?
Baggy-Pants boy #2: No. But there's a law that says if you do that, you're gonna look like a jackass.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Lesley
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
--Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
I Thought You Were Talking About Those Tourist Locals
Guy #1: Let's go local hunting.
Hot girl: I don't want to go fucking local hunting.
Guy #2: You should, it's mad fun. We went to this local party once and got kicked out.
Guy #1: Yeah, but we got the number of this kid who lives here.
Ugly girl: Wait. People live here?
--Westhampton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Doesn't live there
We'd Be Grifting on the Midway
Tank-topped boardwalk guy to friend: We're a different breed. If we were any closer to circus folk...
--Seaside Heights Boardwalk, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: twoferrets
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Get Back in the Dating Pool
Teen girl: I heard there are sharks in the lake.
Teen boy: That's probably not true.
Teen girl: It's true. Like, somebody got killed here by a shark.
Teen boy: I think you have upstate New York confused with anywhere with a shoreline.
Teen girl: But...
Teen boy: 'But'-nothing if you wanna get fucked later.
--Lake George, New York
Key West Is Famous for Its Two-Legged Appetite Suppressant
Man with no pants to girls leaving bar: Leaving so soon?
Girl: Uh, yeah...we're hungry. We're gonna go get some food.
Man with no pants: Why? There's plenty of sausages right here!
--Garden of Eden Bar, Key West, Florida
Overheard by: K
Sex Tourism's Most Popular Souvenir
Random guy to little boy: Hey, you have fun today?
Little boy: Yeah, sure, but I still haven't found those crabs.
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
Samuel Beckett Was Tanning Nearby, and the Rest Is History
Old lady at car: Henry, wait for me!
Old man carrying beach chairs half a block ahead of her: Dammit, Agnes, I'm going! I've been waiting for you for 40 years!
--Beach near Naples, Florida
Overheard by: X
Over There's Where Jesus Rested with the Cross
Gangsta kid to girl, on date: You see this spot right here? This is where Forrest Gump...stopped runnin'!
Girl, in disbelief: No way!
--Ocean City Boardwalk, Maryland
Overheard by: Tyler
How to Say "Yes" in Californian
Girl: Are you going to go back to 24 Hour Fitness?
Guy: Gayness in my anus...
--Pacific Beach, California
For Some Reason, I Couldn't Stop Sweating
Boy to friend: When she called I was in my room, naked, blow drying my body.
--Jones Beach, New York
If There Were a God, Lightning Would Have Struck Them Both at this Point
Hairy man with large dog, to four young women: Are you here for the day?
Hot woman: No, we're just leaving. We have an appointment.
Hairy man: Really? What? Mani...pedi?
Hot woman: No. Sailing in Sag.
--Fying Point Beach, Southampton, New York
Overheard by: lolo
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
Is It My Turn to Talk?
Old fisherman: Don't be tanglin' your lines up with mine, son!
Younger fisherman: You want a beer?
Old fisherman: I saw a UFO fly right under that bridge one time.
Younger fisherman: You need a haircut.
--Creaky Dock, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
Later, I'll Be Tugging on Superman's Cape and Messing around with Jim
Dude #1: Yo, there are so many garbage cans here. I bet if you tried you could piss in that one from here.
Dude #2: Gross, man!
Dude #1: Okay, well, here goes!
--Coney Island, New York
National Geographic Cinematographers Break New Ground
Guy to girl: There's some drunk people over there. Don't look at them.
--La Jolla, California
Or Maybe I'm Just Hungry.
Macho 20-something guy to macho friends: Hmm, I don't know. I'm just feeling a little bi-curious today.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: roxana
That Was on Tuesday, Britney
Trendy overdressed girl: Oh my god, did you see all those teenagers lurking outside? They think they're so fucking cool! God!
Trendy overdressed guy: I know.
Trendy overdressed girl: It's like, ever since we turned 20, I can't believe we ever hung out with people like that.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: 22-year-old who's glad she never hung out with either of them
So Be Careful Opening Me--I May Spray
Jogging man to jogging woman: I still have a jiggling six-pack.
--English Bay, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: if it's jiggling, it ain't no six-pack
So God Does Play Dice With the Universe!
Girl: He gets so tan!
Guy: I tell you, you look at his hand and you'd think that man was black!
Girl: You know, his mom's husband is black. That's why we tease him about that so much.
Guy: Really? His step-dad is black?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Wouldn't you be pissed?
Girl: Yeah, well, his mom treats him like shit anyway.
Brief pause.
Girl: I'm rethinking the doctor thing.
Guy: Really?
Girl: Yeah, surgeon or oncologist or whatever I become. I wouldn't be able to have a family.
--Rehoboth, Delaware
Overheard by: kristen
In Other Words, She'd Fuck Him Jewish
Dude: You know you're turning me on, right?
Hootchie: Do you want me to stop?
Dude: No. No, I don't.
Hootchie: If you didn't have a girfriend, I'd fuck you so hard you wouldn't recognize Jesus.
--Newport, Oregon
Overheard by: Sonora
Wasn't This an Episode Of SVU?
Man on cell: Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady.
--Marine World, Vallejo, California
Overheard by: Keena Burt
This Year's Celebrity Apprentice Really Lacks Focus
Girl: So, I've finally decided what I want to do in life. I'm done with modeling. I am going to create a product, and sell it for charity.
Guy: Oh, that's cool. What's the charity?
Girl: I haven't decided yet. I'm still working on it.
Guy: Oh, okay.
Girl: I need to decide on the product too.
--Miami Beach, Florida
They Go to Nude Country Clubs
Naked guy: Do you know why I love going to nude beaches?
Naked chick: Why?
Naked guy: No Republicans.
--Field 5, Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Stila
Just Breathe a Little Water and We're Good
Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn't have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin' someone in the ding-dong ain't gonna kill them.
Man: It might.
--Destin, Florida
They're Not Pregnant -- It's Just the Parasites
Guy: I wouldn't go in the water if I was you.
Girl: Why?
Guy: I think there's something in there that makes you pregnant.
Girl: Why do you say that?
Guy points to large group of pregnant women.
Girl: Oh...
--Coralville Reservoir, Coralville, Iowa
I Am Now One Ball Away from No Hot Chicks Ever Again
Guy #1: I can't believe he left us!
Guy #2: Yeah, me either. It really sucks being stuck on this fucking island with no hot chicks. I don't have a fucking shirt and I'm freezing my balls off!
Guy #1: Yeah, I know what you mean.
--St. Petersburg, Florida
That Sounds Like a Challenge
Guy: Oh, man, I've got salt in my penis now. That shit hurts.
Girl: I don't really think it matters what goes in my vagina.
--Melbourne Beach, Florida
Overheard by: H K
He Can Only be Killed with a Graphics Card Through the Heart
Wet teen boy #1, rubbing eyes: My eyes hurt.
Wet teen boy #2: From the salt?
Wet teen boy #1: Nah. I've been outside for two days. They're used to video game light only.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: long time mom
The Eternal Question.
College girl to guy: Are you gonna put that thing in your bathing suit, or carry it?
--Hawaiian Inn, Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Do I wanna know?
I Can Tell Because It Is Still Full
Cop, pointing to trash can filled rim with beer and alcohol bottles: Are all of these yours?
Tall man, pointing to one lone bottle: Well, that one's not mine.
--Belmar, New Jersey
You Have Kids, You Mellow Out
Guy: And something else I've thought about: what happened to God in between the Old and New Testaments? He went from vengeful to merciful. It just doesn't make sense.
Girl: He found God.
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
...You're Ruining This Sex!
Girl: It's funny, when I first met you, you were a virgin, and now you fuck everybody!
Guy, whining: Shut up!
--Smith Point, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tom and Katie
He Became a Dwarf Just So He Could Say That
Dwarf to drunk chick at bar: So, have you ever had a dwarf go up on you?
--Manistee, Michigan
Overheard by: Gabby
I'll Need a Ruler, Some Lotion, and a Box of Tissues
Girl: Check out that guy's package.
Guy: What?
Girl: Look at the guy in the Speedo.
Guy: No.
Girl: Just look. He's huge.
Guy: Damn. You're right. I'm embarrassed now. And I feel a little gay. I'm going to the bathroom.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Rob
You Look More Like a Woodpecker to Me, Though
Bearded man #1: Alright, man, I'll see you later.
Bearded man #2: Yeah, see ya.
Bearded man #1: I'll come by your window later and whistle for you. No, I'll do a bird call. Kaw! Kaw!
Bearded man #2: Okay, man.
Bearded man: #1: I'm a crow! I'm a raven! I love birds!
Bearded man #2: Alright, man, I hear you!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Likes birds too
Plus It Helps Wash Down the Sand.
Male: Your kid is eating the sunscreen.
Female: It's okay, he's bright on the inside. It's good for him.
--Pacific Beach, California
Oh No, Sorry, those are Just My Kidney Stones
Man #1: Man, I've got some sandy nuts. Sannndy nuuuts!
Man #2: Dude, shake it over there. You're getting your nut-sand all over me.
--Ocean Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Daryl
Like Cock
Big Brooklyn dude #1: I really wanna see The Devil Wears Prada. I heard it's the funniest movie ever.
Big Brooklyn dude #2: Yeah, man, but I really wanna read the book first.
Big Brooklyn dude #1: Yeah, yeah! It's not just for chicks, man!
Big Brooklyn dude #2: It's not just for chicks.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
There's Nothing Like Nature to Bring Families Closer Together
Canoeing dad, looking back: I think we lost William entirely.
Canoeing guy: Who's Tyler?
--Blue River, Milltown, Indiana
Dear Diary: Still Alone. Can't Figure Out Why.
Girl to guy with oddly-shaped swimsuit: What kind of a tan line do you have?
Guy: Get the hell away from me! I don't know you!
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
Not New Jersey: In Other Words, 'They're Real'
Woman, talking about a topless sunbather: Is that a man?
Guy: No.
Woman: God, that is so not New Jersey.
--South Beach, Miami
Overheard by: Marty
On Landlines, Mostly
Ditzy chick: What are you doing today?
Skater kid: Chillin' like a villain.
Other girl: The '90s called - they want 'Chillin' like a villain' back.
Ditzy chick: How do the '90s call?
--Ventnor, New Jersey
Unlike Those Adult Babies Who Give You Giant Scars
60-something naked man: Yeah, but he was born at a very young age too.
--Sunny Isles, Florida
Overheard by: Kris
No, Just My Mom
Dude: Hey, where do you girls go for fun? [They ignore him.] You're just gonna ignore me? Not a 'Fuck you'? Nothing? Bitch!
Chick: You kiss your dick with that mouth?
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
Raise Your Hand If You're Sick Of Eminem
Sweaty dude on boardwalk: I wrote a poem the other day. Wanna hear it?
Sweaty female companion, jogging away: Aw, hell no!
--Tampa, Florida
Another Fake Place
Guy #1: You're from Kazakhstan? Isn't that where Borat is from?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: I thought that place was fake. I didn't know it was a real place.
Guy #2: Borat is from England.
--Miami Beach
I Was Thinking Later, You Might Wanna -- Oww! For Fuck's Sake! Stop Doing That!
Drunken man, hitting on woman: Your eyes melt the elastic band in my swim trunks!
--Grand Beach, Manitoba
Overheard by: Tanning @ The beach
It's a Seller's Market
Man #1: Hey, man, what you doing?
Man #2: Oh, nothing. Just watching this whore getting a customer across the street.
Man #1: Huh? How do you know she's a whore?
Man #2: 'Cause we've been standing here for about an hour and she's been leaning against different cars talking, getting in, leaving, and coming back. Besides, she's dressed like a whore.
Man #3: So are half the people here.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Les
If I'm to Believe Your Hand
Girl: Wait, so I'm cheating on you... with myself?!
Guy: Exactly!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
What? A Butt's a Butt, Right?
Dude #1, looking at girl's butt: I'd say about a six.
Dude #2: Yeah... Out of a hundred!
Dude #1: Okay, fine. What about her... Eight?
Dude #2: Nah.
Dude #1: Well, what do you think?
Dude #2: That man's about an eight.
Dude #1: Dude...
--Gold Coast, Australia
Beer! Why Didn't I Think of That?
Guy #1: Look at that girl over there! Now if that isn't hot, I don't know what is.
Guy #2: Don't even dream about it! She's at least a nine.
Guy #1: Well, then, I'll just go over and talk to her, and when we start making out, you can cry yourself to sleep.
A guy with a beer walks over and kisses her.
Guy #1: Well played, sir.
--Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York
They're Trying to Imagine a Black Dude, Obviously
Queer #1: Charles, look, there's another one. He's white, and the other looks Asian.
Holds up large signs that say "6" and "4," respectively.
Queer #2: Definitely!
Queer #1: Oh, wow. Look at this one. Latino. Yummmm!
Holds up sign that says "9."
Queer #2: Oh, yes. Totally!
Straight girl, walking by: What are you two doing? Comparing guys' looks?
Queer #1: Uhh...
Queer #2: Breeder, please. The Asian guy is a 4, the white guy is a 6, and the Latino guy a 9. What do you think we're trying to imagine?
--Sunset Beach, Florida
Overheard by: MangoJoe
And Me with Only Two Hands
Small boy gazing in awe: All the tooshie...
--Caroline Bay, Timaru, New Zealand
Overheard by: [LadyFlash]
Sometimes the Cure's Worse Than the Disease, Though
Beach guy #1: We need to find some slutty girls tonight.
Beach guy #2: Yeah, sluts are great for hangovers.
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jellyfish Jaq
Not Exactly Rent, But It'll Do
Tanned man #1: Look at those fags over there!
Tanned man #2: Which ones?
Tanned man #1: The two over there, sitting with those four hot girls with the fine asses, big tits, and tiny bikinis.
Tanned man #2: Wait. You and I are alone. Those two guys have two girls each. Sounds like we're the fags.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: D Meyers
Belinda Calls 'em As She Sees 'em
Guy standing in front of store: I can't believe it! That little girl just said "asshole"! I can't believe it! (gestures at two-year-old inside parked car)
Little girl: Asshole!
Guy: I can't believe it that little girl said "asshole" again!
Mother: Ni-iiice.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: ISPgypsy
Is Made Of Honor the Shittiest Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Girl to guy: So, wait, remind me again when you told me you were going to be a bridesmaid. I feel like I haven't been making fun of you enough for that.
Guy: It was a while ago.
Girl: Wow, I have some major mocking to do!
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Except Freckles and His Friends, Which Is Really Tired
Girl #1: Oh wow, you got so many freckles today!
Guy: Why does everyone keep saying that? Do freckles come from the sun or something?
Girl #2: Um... yeah?
Guy: I just kinda thought they showed up. Like sometimes they're here, and sometimes they're not.
Girl #1: Um, no, it's not random. Like, I ate some cheese, so now I'm freckled.
Girl #2: Or, I'm really freckled cuz I'm tired.
--Paradise Beach, Mykonos, Greece
Overheard by: Jules
Nice Goiter
Cute girl walking down the boardwalk: I've been stared at seven times already!
Random guy walking past: Eight.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
She Could Be a Piñata that Hasn't Been Hung
Guy pointing out girl with tampon string hanging out of her bikini: Dude, that chick is either on her period, or she just fucked a tea bag.
--Bronte Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Hamish The Li
'Cause, If So, It's Totally Your Turn
A black man cuts in line ahead of two anorexic JAPs.
Anorexic JAP #1: Why are we here again?
Anorexic JAP #2: Ugh, I know! This would never happen back in Boca!
Black man: Eat something, you Jewish popsicles!
Anorexic JAP #1: Did he just ask us to give him a blowjob?
--Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Laughing
Yes, Just Keep It Away from My Nipples
Dude #1: That girl is hot!
Dude #2: I'd like to duct tape her to a chair!
Dude #2's girlfriend: You're into that?
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
I Thought It Was a Floating Penitentiary
Guy: What's the capital of... Iraq?
Girl: Baghdad.
Guy: Lebanon?
Girl: Beirut.
Bimbo: Oh my god, how do you know all this? Have you been to these countries?
Girl #1: Yeah, because they're all such fun places to go visit...
Bimbo: I don't know any capitals except like Australia.
Guy: I'm sure you do, what about New Zealand?
Bimbo: That's a country?!
--Melbourne, Australia
And, Hopefully, Back in, and So on, with a Repetitive Motion
Guy #1: Welcome, shrinkage!
Guy #2: My dick is inside my belly.
Guy #1: Yeah, it's about to poke out of my ass.
--Sea Isle, New Jersey
Overheard by: Didn't go into the water
Only Kidding, Pookie - I Love Your Soft Little Vienna Sausage
Salesman: Gringo, gringo. Mexican wrestling mask, Nacho Libre!
Guy: No, dude, sorry. I already bought two today.
Salesman: Señorita, one for you?
Girl: Um, no, thanks.
Salesman: Come on... it will be something different for tonight!
Girl: If I wanted something different, we'd be at the farmacia buying Cialis.
--Puerto Nuevo, Mexico
You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God
Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.
--Santa Cruz, California
As Befits a Vacation in Cumbria
Girl looking at others on beach: What freaks!
Guy: Emma, I'm waving a spatula and you're counting waves.
Girl: Logic accepted.
--St. Bees, England
Eh, You Don't Know Squat.
Guy to Dachshund: Sit!
Girl: He doesn't really need to sit, he is so close to the ground.
--Tampa, Florida
...Is the Title Of My New Documentary.
Guy at table full of intently listening people: Imagine 50 pounds of animal defecating inside your house! That's a lot of shit!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
...While I'm Asleep
Guy #1: What's going on? The sun went down but it's still raining?
Guy #2: Dude, why would the sun going down make it stop raining?
Guy #1: No, it totally does! It never rains at night.
--Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Matt
I've Also Decided I'm an Elderly Asian Woman This Week
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm on the beach. I told you, I'm in the Caribbean this week.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: debbie downer
I've Never Had a Boss Who Was So Tough to Swallow
Male boater to girl that always gets yelled at by the boss: So, are you thinking of doing this job again next summer?
Girl: Not if it means working for Rich. He's left a bad taste in my mouth.
--Lake George, New York
Was Matthew McConaughey's Surfer, Dude the Worst Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Guy with board, about water: It's flatter than my abs out here!
--Perdido Key, Florida
What's the Answer That Won't Have You Thinking I'm Gay?
Guy to girl: I have a wiener dog that is a pain in the ass!
Girl: Is that supposed to be a pun?
--Tampa, Florida
Can You Get One Against Freddy Krueger?
Older man: Look, if you're really worried about it...
Younger woman, with full mouth: I am! I'm having trouble sleeping.
Older man: Then you should get a restraining order.
--Beach Footpath, Australia
Overheard by: I Wish I Heard the Start
Hey, You're Hot -- I'm Just Saying You're Skanky
Dude stopping intense make-out: Um, you're not gonna tell anyone about this...
Chick: What?!
Dude: Well, I mean, look at you...
Chick: I'm going to tell your mom about this.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Mik
Time to Invest in a Bathtub?
Dude: This beach trip has been so awesome!
Chick: We've been here all week, and you haven't walked down to the beach once.
Dude: Yeah, but it's great to just sit around, drink, and get high.
Chick: You do that at home.
Dude: But I can see the water from the window. At home all I see is the parking lot.
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Aw, Don't Get Sore at Her.
Guy: So I went to the party last night... and she gave me a BJ. Told you I was beast.
Friend: Well, she has herpes, so you should get tested.
Guy: That whore!
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
And What Exactly Do You Sell Again?
Man, answering phone: Talbot Street Watersports, how may I help you?
Customer: Oh, what street are you on?
Man: Still on Talbot Street.
Customer: Oh, good... I was just checking.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC Rocket
If My Slut License Didn't Say I Have To
Guy #1: She told me that she wants to see other people.
Guy #2: You're taking this all the wrong way. Now, you can nail that slut over there and she can't be mad at you when you get back together!
Slut: I would never have you.
--Long Beach, New York
Your Editors Have Paid Extra for Titty Gum-- True Story
Guy: Hey, do you have any gum?
Annoying girl: Yeah, I do... You can't have this one, but you can have this kind. (pulls gum out of bra)
Guy: Ew! I don't want that! It's titty gum.
Annoying girl: It's not titty gum.
Brunette girl: You can have some of my gum.
Guy: Is it in your titties?
Brunette girl, looking down shirt. Nope.
Guy: Okay!
--Canadia
It Would Have Had the Same Effect on My Cock
Chick: I don't know why you wanted to come to a nudist beach... It's all old, gay, wrinkled men here. They're all staring at me and the water is so cold -- you look teeny.
Dude: I know, I should have just had you walk around naked at home.
--Gunnison Beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Florida Girls Are, Well, Different
Sailor #1, in bathroom: Ew! I saw your dick!
Sailor #2: Ew! You wish!
--Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: disturbed roommate
But It Comes With a Bag of Chimps
Man: One small monkey bread, please.
Girl: What's a monkey bread?
Man: I have no idea.
--Monkey Bread Café, Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kristin
Now You Know How the Anteater Feels
Guy on cell: All you have to do is suck one cock and they'll call you a cocksucker for the rest of your life.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Harell
The Pause was to Think about It
Teen boy: Yo, you're hot. How old are you?
Girl: Eleven. But I'm turning twelve in three days.
Teen boy: ... Bye.
--Emerald Isle, North Carolina
Translation: the Ocean Scares Me
Young black male: Yo, I wish this was an urban beach. Like Chicago.
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
And That's How Johnny Cash Got the Idea for 'Delia's Gone'
Little sister: Bury me! Bury me!
Big brother: No, I can't marry you. That'd be disgusting.
Little sister: BURY me!
Big brother: No, no, I can't marry you! Stop it!
Little sister: I said BURY me, stupid!
--Orchard Beach, New York
Overheard by: Anais Borg-Marks
Think of Me As the Consumer Reports of Sex
Guy: Why did you tell *Veronica that I had a small dick?
Girl: Because you do.
Guy: You could have at least told her I know how to use it.
Girl: You don't!
--Discovery Bay, California
It's the Proverbial 'Place Where the Sun Don't Shine'
Greek man: You are so white! Why are you so white?
Pale girl: I'm from England.
--Stalis, Crete
Overheard by: Another pale girl
Or Worse, in the Crushing Boredom of Marriage
Guy #1: Man, just seeing all these couples together just makes it worse, you know?
Guy #2: Yeah, I hear you. I'm sorry...
Guy #1, shouting at passing couples: It's all gonna end in tears!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Higgins
Yes, We Have a Huge Dish
Teen girl #1 to cute boy: Wow, you're from Romania?
Teen girl #2: Do you have, like, MTV Asia?
--Avalon, New Jersey
I Hear Sand's a Great Exfoliant!
Guy: Would you like something to wipe off with?
Girl: No, I prefer to be covered in sand and cum.
Guy: Great! Same time tomorrow?
--Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: Miles Highclub
And This Next Slide Is Me on Mars...
Chinese guy #1, taking picture: It's too bad the American flag is fluttering in the background.
Chinese guy #2, posing for the shot: Don't worry, I'll photoshop it to a Chinese flag on my computer.
Translated from the Chinese.
--Laguna Beach, California
Overheard by: Jackie
Another Round of 'Two Truths and a Lie'
Jersey girl: I never understood the Jersey Shore -- the water is dirty and the streets are trashy.
Dude: Just like the girls here, dirty and trashy.
Jersey girl: Yeah, but at least we have good hair.
--Ocean Grove, New Jersey
I Hear That AIDS You in Your Pursuit of Contraception
Guy #1: Eh, to be honest, with as much as I've been laid, I've probably got a kid somewhere.
Guy #2: You need to practice safe sex. Put it in her pooper.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: Walking by in disbelief
This Time Jesus Turns the Beer into Fanta Grape
Cop: All right, what's in the cup?
Young guy: Uh, beer.
Cop: I asked you what's in the cup. Now give it to me.
Young guy: I just told you, it's beer!
Cop: You do know it's illegal to be drinking on the boardwalk, right?
Young guy: It's soda.
Cop: It's beer. Give it to me.
Young guy: No! It's mine!
Young guy runs off with cup.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: also kinda drunk
But Isn't Urine Sterile?
Girl: Can you tell me why you're pissing on the sand?
Guy: We're in Jersey.
Girl: Yeah, so?
Guy: Jersey's dirty. It's your duty as an American to fuckin' keep it that way, bitch.
--Merivale Avenue, Beach Haven, New Jersey
Overheard by: Snow White
It's a Wise Child Who Knows His Fatherland
Girl to guy: Yeah, my parents are from Denmark, I know, it's "Deutschland"... I'm Dutch.
--Hamilton Island Beach, Australia
Overheard by: JJ
Next, Grasshopper, You Will Learn to Say the F-Word in Between Syllables
Swedish guy, to French guy: So you're telling me I just paid like 1,000 Euro to go here and find out that some fuckin' frogshagger screwed my girlfriend?
French guy says nothing.
Swedish guy: Hey, that's three words for "intercourse" in one sentence! Personal record!
--Côte d'Azur, France
Overheard by: Another Swede
At Last, Texas Has Found Its Purpose in the US
Tourist: Hey! You guys musta cleaned up real good after all the hurricanes last year. Everything looks brand new again.
Beach attendant: Excuse me?
Tourist: Yeah, you guys did a better job than all those FEMA guys in New Orleans.
Beach attendant: We didn't get any hurricanes on the West Coast.
Tourist: You must have better levees here then.
Beach attendant: Yeah, we have Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and the rest of California.
--Laguna Beach, California
Honey, They Know We Have Sex!
B&B owner to guests: Do you two have children?
Female guest: Oh no, not yet. That's why we are here!
B&B owner (blushing) walking away: Oh! Well, I'm glad we could help!
Guest (softly, mortified): I meant we have more time without kids!
--Bed & Breakfast, Galveston Island, Texas
His Girlfriend Has It Mo-We-Fr, Her Sister Tu-Th, and They Alternate Weekends
Dude #1: I wish she would just forgive me already. It's been over a month.
Dude #2: Dude, you went down on her sister!
Dude #1: Well, yeah, exactly. It's like the same pussy, right?
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida