A Cell Phone Is Like a Woman: If It's Not Turned On, It Stays Dry

Wrestler #1: The other day I went in the water, and I forgot my cell phone was in my pocket. It doesn't work anymore.
Wrestler #2: Was it on?
Wrestler #1: Yes.
Wrestler #2: Well, you should have turned it off before you went in!

--The Black Sea

Holy Shit -- They Can Fly?

Boater #1: Look at all the geese! Will they move out of the way of the boat?
Boater #2: Of course they'll move. They're just like birds.

--Lake Erie, Cleveland, Ohio

Overheard by: Beth

Dude, Everybody Used to Wear Their Hair Like That

Suburban man #1: What about Sam Adams?
Suburban man #2: Ugh, I hate all Sam Adams beers. I would never touch the stuff.
Suburban man #1: Why?
Suburban man #2: Well, Sam Adams was a gay man. And, well, I believe in gayness, but I just don't think gay people can make beer.

--Lake Waubeeka, Connecticut

Overheard by: Hametuka

Like a Computer, Baby!

20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?

--Boat, Boston Harbor

Overheard by: Deck Hand

You're Barefoot, Amy

Sober girl: You have no idea what's going on!
Drunk blonde: Yes I do! I am still totally relevant to what is going on!
Sober girl: Wait, what?
Drunk blonde: Oh, relevant of! Relevant of what is going on!... Aren't these shoes sexy?

--Santa Barbara, California

God Lifeguards Summers So He Can Work on His Tan

Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!

--Huntington Beach, California

No, We're Practicing Civil Disobedience

Brainiac: Are you allowed to skinny dip here?

--Nude beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Later We'll Eat Out of the Dumpster to Tune Up Our Immune Systems

Girl #1: Do you want to come run with me?
Girl #2: Yeah, just let me finish this cigarette.
Girl #1: Yeah. I think I'll have one, too. It loosens up your lungs.

--Dewey Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: Steve

So, You're from Europe? Do You Know John?

Guy on crowded boardwalk: Hey, you! You, over there! Hey, you in the bathing suit, I'm talking to you! --Orchard Beach, Maine

Come Give Mommy a Big Hug

Bigmouth: I don't care where we go, but I am not sitting with Allen... Oh, hi, Allen!

--Fire Island Pines, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Then It Would Be Lake Superior

Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.

--Old Orchard Beach, Maine

Overheard by: shawshank

In Paradise the Garbage Men Will Have Doctorates

30-Something business dude: I've traveled a lot, man, and I've been to Costa Rica, and there are no Indians there. Like, people are educated, and there are people with Master's degrees driving taxi cabs and stuff!

--Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington

Overheard by: Be-deez nuts

Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard...

Dude: I don't have an STD... But I want one!

--Panama City Beach, Florida

Overheard by: katie

It's the Most Fun I've Had Since Becoming a Grandfather

Dude #1: So yeah, she got pretty pissed 'cause we were eating all her food.
Dude #2: That sucks. She's a bitch.
Dude #1: Yeah, but then we found the peanut butter -- dude, it was like we just struck gold! And then we spread it all over her bookshelf.
Dude #2: Nice!
Dude #1: Yeah, it was awesome.

--Spring Lake, New Jersey

Will I Be Able To Remember You Afterwards?

Guy: Hey, beautiful ladies! My name is Sean. I run a company that increases the number of hits your website gets on search engines. I'm sure I could help you in your line of work What do you do?
Woman: I'm a neurosurgeon.
Guy: Hey, it's good to see that even a brain surgeon has time to head out to the beach. Let me show you how my company can help you get more business.
Woman: I'm sure it can't.
Guy: Well then, how 'bout I just give you my number?
Woman: How about I just give you a lobotomy?

--Nahant Beach, Massachusetts

Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?

Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral...
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven't.
Guy #1: You're a fucking moron.

--Panama City, Florida

Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut

It's Good That You Both Are Planning Ahead For Your Futures as Vagrants

Meathead: God, there are an awful lot of bums here.
Ditzy girl: I know. But think about it, being a bum in San Diego is totally smart. It's never cold, and they can just sleep on the beach, and the church around the corner from my house feeds them for free every day. They've got it made!
Meathead: Totally. Being a bum here must rock. If I ever need to, I'm gonna be a bum here.
Ditzy girl: I know. I don't know why people would be bums anywhere else. I mean, how stupid. If you're gonna be homeless, do it in San Diego. Duh.

--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California

Overheard by: American Goods

They're the First Warning Signs of Congenital Stupidity

Little Miss Texas slathering on more baby oil: I don't know why I'm gettin' all these little wrinkles around my eyes, do y'all?

--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii

JAP Repellant 2K6

Girl: If I use cooking oil, do you think I'll tan twice as fast?
Boy: No, but you'll probably smell like bacon.

--Corolla, Outer Banks, North Carolina

Overheard by: Mandy

Florida Lies Outside the Normal Space-Time Continuum

20-ish blonde: What time is it in Florida?

--Ocean City, New Jersey

...According to That Cosmo Quiz

Over-tanned lady to beach bum eating plum: I would rather drink shower water than eat unwashed fruit.

--Ala Moana Center, Honolulu, Hawaii

Overheard by: Jade Buddha

And Water, or Something

Guy: Why is there water on the outside of my can?
Girl: I don't know. I think it has to do with cold.

--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico

Overheard by: Kristy

Then Where Do They Keep Their Cigarettes?

Man: In Europe, all little children are naked.

--Bethany Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: I heard about that

Hopefully They'll Never Find Out I Cheated with Those Nantucket Nectars

40-year-old man #1: Water bottles are a major part of my life.
40-year-old man #2: Yeah...

--Hammonasset Beach, Connecticut

Overheard by: Very amused

With Really Nice Tits

Guy #1: Dude, dude! Tits.
Guy #2: Where?

Guy #1 motions to a topless sunbather.

Guy #2: Dude. That's a guy.

--Miami, Florida

I Especially Like the 'Wave' Effect

Woman looking at water: Wow! Did you rake the water? It looks nice!
Lifeguard: Yeah, it took me a long time.

--Caroga Lake, New York

Overheard by: Willie COol

Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial

Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.

--Kennebunk, Maine

Overheard by: Mike

Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'

Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.

--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland

Tahitian Women: 'There's So Much More to Us Than That!'

Tanned girl: That's not tanning lotion. That's brown paint.
Pale girl: Well, it cost me $80 so it better get me your color. Besides, it says Tahitian women have been using it for years!
Tanned girl: Yeah, and Tahitian women have been having syphilis for years, too.

--Sporting Beach Club, Beirut, Lebanon

Overheard by: Nicolien

Einstein: Now This Is Relativity!

American beach-goer #1: I wonder if the people here have trouble understanding us sometimes.
American beach-goer #2: Why would they?
American beach-goer #1: Because of our accents.
American beach-goer #2: But we don't have accents.

--Edinburgh, Scotland

Fabled Lost Lemuria

Woman pointing to fishing pier: Where did that bridge used to lead to?

--Wildwood, New Jersey

Overheard by: Lifeguard

If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear Her Brain Going Snap, Crackle, Pop

Chick #1: Hey, have you heard of those Rice Krispie treats? They're awesome. They should so make a cereal out of those or something!
Chick #2: You dumbass, they are cereal!
Chick #1: Oh...

--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: i like rice krispies

I Can't Wait to Hear Where this is Going

Teen girl #1 is making a crease in her towel and filling it with sand.

Teen girl #2: What the fuck are you doing?
Teen girl #1: Look! It's 'de Nile'!
Teen girl #2: What? You mean the Nile River? How could that be the Nile River? There's no water involved!
Teen girl #1, after long pause: Well... Has anyone ever told you that you look like Danny DeVito?

--Jericho Beach, British Columbia, Canadia

Overheard by: bondgirl

That Was the Hottest Thing I've Ever Seen. I Dream about Her Every Night.

Doctor: This woman came into the ER the other day who had cut herself on the forehead, but instead of using a towel or something to stop the bleeding, she wrapped her head up like seven times with duct tape.
Dork: Holy shit! How did you get it off of her?
Doctor: We had to cut it off in little strips. She looked like a Hershey's Kiss.
Dork: What, you mean she was black?
Doctor: Yes!

--Crane Beach, Massachusetts

Fast and the Furious 4: Barnyard Slide

Chick on cell: Yeah, we got a ticket for going 80 miles per hour on the way here, though. Wanna know why? We were trying to catch up to a giant truck full of chickens!

--Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: K

From This Month's Negligent Mother Magazine

20-something trailer park chick: This one time I was napping, and I just let the baby crawl around the house. I woke up 'cause I felt this tug on the blankets, and I look down and she was makin' this choking sound! So I beat on her back, right, and this penny came out. When my husband came home I was like, 'You can't be leavin' change lyin' around the house!' But, you know, I just knew something was wrong. Just the way she was tugging on my blankets and that sound she was making, I just knew. It's that mother-daughter thing, you know?

--Palm Beach Shores, Florida

Overheard by: Ethan

Someone Has Spit Out Their Gum Right Here in the Middle of This Drawing of a Penis!

Little boy, pointing to large drawing of a penis in the sand: Oh my God, that is disgusting. Dad, look, it's disgusting!! Dad, do you know what it is?
Dad: Yes.

Mom walks over.

Mom: What is it?

--Popham Beach, Maine

Overheard by: Fitzy

He Should Tell the Girls There's No Such Thing as College

Family man #1: So, all three of your kids will be in college at the same time? That will be expensive.
Family man #2: Yeah, so I hope that they are all talented so they can get scholarships or they are all so dumb that they can't get into college.

--Robert Moses Beach, New York

Holy Crap, I Thought I Was in the US!

Girl: What kind of fish is this?
Waitress: Alaskan cod.
Girl: Do ya'll catch that around here?
Waitress: Uh, no. [pointing] That's the Gulf of Mexico.

--Seafood restaurant, Galveston Island, Texas

A Gentleman Would Refer to It as a Chipmunk

Beach-goer: Holy shit! Is that a squirrel in your panties?!

--Newport Beach, California

Overheard by: BAJAZEUS

Let's Hope They Keep Trying This Before They Have a Chance to Reproduce

Amateur marine biologist #1: Why are they called jellyfish?
Amateur marine biologist #2: They taste like jelly. Duh.
Amateur marine biologist #1: Blueberry jelly?
Amateur marine biologist #2: I dunno. Taste it.
Amateur marine biologist #1, moments later: Cherry.

--Chesapeake Bay

Yeah, Along With Some Weird Pink Money with Birds and Queens on it

Police officer: You're under arrest for underage drinking in public.
American teen: But they're from Canada, officer!
Police officer: Got any marijuana in your purse?

--Sandestin, Florida

Overheard by: proudcanadian

We Don't Do that in Public, Either

Girl #1: Hey, I really want to get rid of my short-tan, but I need to change into my bathing suit bottoms.
Girl #2: Go ahead. No one will notice.

Girl #1 takes off her shorts and is about to take off her thong.

Girl #2: Jenny, I was just kidding! Put your shorts back on!
Girl #1: Oh, shit!

--Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: sun-lover

Instead, How About 'Beano' or 'Drano'?

Woman: Instead of saying hello, we should say heaveno. Hello gives Satan powers.

--Toronto, Ontario

Overheard by: $ue

Of Course, It Could Just Be Schizophrenia

Dude #1: That cloud over the moon looks like the number three! Dude, that is crazy!
Dude #2: Why is that crazy?
Dude #1: Because that was Dale Earnhardt's number. It's like he's speaking to me!

--Nags Head, North Carolina

Overheard by: Gambitgirl

Christ Returns in the Form of an Idiot, to Test the Compassion of the Modern Beach-Goer

Tourist: Excuse me, are we at the right beach?
Local: Umm...
Tourist: We want to go to the beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.
Local: It's right there.
Tourist: Where?
Local: Why am I talking to you again?

--San Francisco, California

Pfff! I Saw That Show -- It's All 'You Know What the Difference Between Aquatic and Land Mammals Is?'

Tourist lady: Do you know when the dolphin show is?
Lifeguard: Uh, yeah, I think the truck just came with all the dolphins in it... should be in about half an hour.
Tourist lady: Oh, great! Thank you.

--Bethany Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: Laughing Local

They Have Strong Feelings of Self-Loathing

Teen girl #1: God, I hate when people bring their cell phones to the beach.
Teen girl #2: I have my cell phone at the beach right now.
Teen girl #1: Me too.

--Ocean Beach, New Jersey

Like Douching While Watching Brad Pitt Strip

Girl #1: Great, now we can't go swimming.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: 'Cause it's raining. That'd be, like, double wet.
Girl #2: Oh.

--Ocean Grove Beach, Australia

Overheard by: Alex

Oh, Tommy Lee, They Can See Your Penis from Space

Beach bunny: Oh, honey, your bathing suit is see-through when it gets wet.
Surfer dude: What? Can you see my penis?
Beach bunny: Well...
Surfer dude to nearby sunbathers: Can you see my penis?

--Flagler Beach, Florida

Overheard by: the nearest sunbather

At Last, Texas Has Found Its P