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Or We'll Kill You
Girl (pointing to sign on lifeguard tower): Hah! I thought that said "Dying is dangerous and prohibited" for a sec.
Guy: You're crazy. It says "diving!"
Girl: (pause) I know. But.. oh, whatever.
Lifeguard: Yes--we have a very strict policy... No dying!
--Corona Del Mar Beach, California
Overheard by: Dee
Oh, Honey, Don't Cry. They Only Eat the Dead Ones.
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls.
--Riis Park, New York
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
--Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
We've Decided Not to Allow You in the Water
Lifeguard to wading mother: That girl is too small. She can't be out that far. She has to be within arm's length.
Mother: How far is arm's length?
--Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: hefferlump
Take It Up with God, Lady.
Tourist: What time is high tide today?
Lifeguard: I think it's around 6:30.
Tourist: Why don't you just have it at the same time every day?
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Of Course, I Can Go Swimming Only Under Very Special Circumstances, So It's a Tradeoff
Kid: Yo, that chair's sweet! How come you get to sit in that big chair? I wanna get one of them.
Lifeguard: Sorry. I just got here really early this morning before all these good chairs were taken.
--Riis Park, Rockaway, New York
Being a Lifeguard Can Get Pretty Boring
Lifeguard, replacing new in-service flags: We should have flags with skull and crossbones on them. That way, when someone comes and asks what the flag is for we can say, "oh there's a 50% chance of a pirate attack, you probably want to leave the beach."
--Huguenot Beach, Jacksonville, Florida
Decades of Watching the Weather Channel Has Completely Atrophied Her Weather Sense
Woman: I think I just heard thunder... do you think it's gonna rain soon?
Lifeguard, looking into clear sky: Mmm... yeah. You might want to leave soon. It's probably gonna rain any minute now.
Woman: Oh, OK. Hey, kids! Let's go! It looks like it's gonna rain!
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Marc Wiley
This Was No Boating Accident!
Lifeguard #1: So, what would you do if somebody came to you with a bat bite?
Lifeguard #2: Ummm... Clean up the wound, I guess.
Lifeguard #1: [Long pause] What would you do for someone with a clown bite?
--Echo Lake, Maine
There's a Pipe Leading Directly from the Urinal to the Water
Girl: Oh my God! This water is really cold, can you turn the heater up?
Lifeguard, returning from locker room: There you go, it should be better now.
Girl: Hey, this really does feel warmer. Thanks, lifeguard!
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Marc Wiley
Then They Either Starve to Death, or Develop a Taste for Human Flesh
Brooklyn kid pointing to training buoys: What are those big red things floating out there?
Lifeguard: Oh, that's our shark fence.
Brooklyn kid: What?!
Lifeguard: Yeah, that's our electric shark fence. It keeps the sharks out. Unless they were already in when we put it up -- then they are stuck inside.
--New Jersey
Usually We Just Mock Americans
Chick: So, what's there to do for fun around here?
Lifeguard: I dont know, I'm Canadian.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: NSBS Geo
We Also Would Have Accepted: "...But It Just Got Better"
Lifeguard: Yo! The beach ain't no good! I said the beach ain't no good today! (sees attractive woman walking toward the beach) Hey there, listen, the beach isn't good today, okay?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Nikki
Pfff! I Saw That Show -- It's All 'You Know What the Difference Between Aquatic and Land Mammals Is?'
Tourist lady: Do you know when the dolphin show is?
Lifeguard: Uh, yeah, I think the truck just came with all the dolphins in it... should be in about half an hour.
Tourist lady: Oh, great! Thank you.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
...I Swear It Was a Valid CPR Technique!
Lifeguard to group of other lifeguards, as rescued 14-year-old swimmer walks away: Did anyone notice all her hickies?
--North Bondi, Australia
Overheard by: Ggary
It's All Gone Downhill Since the Tooth Fairy Started Subcontracting
Lifeguard: What happened to your toenail?
Little boy: A monster carried it off a while ago. Around kindergarten, I think.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Super Sexy Woman
As Soon as the Navy Finishes Fitting Them With Cannons
Tourist to lifeguard: Excuse me. Excuse me! When do they release the dolphins?
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Backnarootie
Those Drowning, Helpless Fucks
Lifeguard, walking into parking lot: They can't make me stay here.
--Misquamicut Beach, Rhode Island
Baywatch Uncensored
Woman: Can I rent a beach chair?
Lifeguard (just off duty on the last day of the season): Fuck you, dumb cunt.
--Panama City Beach, Florida
He Also Responds to 'Hey, Chink!', Though Not in the Same Way
Transmitted over lifeguard radio: We have a woman here reporting a lost man. Asian, approximately 40 years old, responds to the name 'Lucky T.'
--Riis Park, New York
So, This Is Hell?
Formerly smiling lifeguard: Great, I've got bird shit on me, and we have to listen to John Mayer!
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
See the Colossus of Rhodes?
Tourist: So, what's on the other side of the lake?
Lifeguard: Ummm, that's not a lake -- that's the Atlantic Ocean.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
God Lifeguards Summers So He Can Work on His Tan
Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!
--Huntington Beach, California
