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She Got Some Dead Girl's Old Breast Implants
Waiter to customer: Sir, you just missed her. She looks hotter. She just got a transplant.
--South Padre Island, Texas
The Rest of the Time I Wear a "F*ck Bush" Hat
College guy: Were you in the Airborne?
Guy in wheelchair wearing 'Army Airborne' hat and playing guitar for money: No, but the hat helps on holiday weekends.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Next: Why Apples Float When You Drop Them
Pompous failed astronomer: So, the reason there was a half moon last night was that the Earth gets in between the sun and the moon [arranges water bottles to demonstrate]. It's kind of like an eclipse, but the Earth only covers half the moon, so you see the rest.
Chick: Oh, okay. Interesting.
Pompous failed astronomer: It's really just thinking logically. Something has to cast a shadow on the moon.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: not the only one laughing at him
They Really Should Schedule the Beer Competition before the Sex
Italian MC on the PA: Fifteen minutes to Bocce ball tournament, volleyball tournament... Sex on the beach! Beer tournament at six!
--Fortuna Beach, Grand Bahama Island
Problems That Can Be Solved by Beer
Reporter: Hey girls, do you have anything you want to say to the camera?
Drunk girl #1: Hi, mum... I'm not that drunk...
Drunk girl #2: And I'm still a virgin!
--Schoolies Week, Gold Coast, Australia
Or Maybe Curing Parkinson's
Man at parents' 25th wedding anniversary party: Without my parents, I don't know where I'd be today.
Random guest: In a Kleenex!
--Party boat, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Big Larry
Holy Crap, I Thought I Was in the US!
Girl: What kind of fish is this?
Waitress: Alaskan cod.
Girl: Do ya'll catch that around here?
Waitress: Uh, no. [pointing] That's the Gulf of Mexico.
--Seafood restaurant, Galveston Island, Texas
Christ Returns in the Form of an Idiot, to Test the Compassion of the Modern Beach-Goer
Tourist: Excuse me, are we at the right beach?
Local: Umm...
Tourist: We want to go to the beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.
Local: It's right there.
Tourist: Where?
Local: Why am I talking to you again?
--San Francisco, California
We Raised Him Free Range
Four-year-old sprays woman with his giant water gun, and doesn't stop after she warns him repeatedly.
Woman: I'm going to talk to his parents! [Stomps to nearby cafe.] Who is responsible for this child?
Parent: Sorry. What did the little fucker do this time?
--Marmaris Beach, Turkey
No, Dude! You Tell Her You Have a Permanent Banana She Can Have for Free!
Banana vendor: Bananas... Bananas... Two for a dollar! Bananas...
Topless girl in string bikini bottom: But I just need one...
Banana vendor: Why don't you eat the other one?
--South Korea
All We Asked Was, "Which Way Is North?"
Big-boobed lady to a man's wife: Yes, they're real. Would you like to feel for yourself? You're staring at them more than your husband is.
--New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Overheard by: trying not to make like I was listening
Detached Redundancies Are For People Under the Age of 20
Tween #1: Ohmigod. It's soooo sandy.
Tween #2: Um, it's a beach.
Random old man: Damn teeny boppers.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: I hate shoobies.
Why It's Better to Eat Vegetables
Girl: What is that?!
Guy, flipping it over: Oh my God. Are those eye sockets?
Girl: Ewww. That's no jellyfish.
Guy: It looks like an alligator head.
Girl: But alligators aren't in salt water. Maybe it got lost?
Guy: Look it has a...spine?
Girl: But a head wouldn't have a-
Woman sitting nearby: -It's a chicken breast. I just threw it out.
Girl and Guy: Oh.
--St. Augustine, Florida
Overheard by: Cristen
I'm Laughing because Real Men Don't Care about Breast Size
Man: What's with the safety pin holding your top together?
Flat-chested girl: Oh, you know, my boobs are just so big that my top busted! [Man bursts out laughing.] Okay, it wasn't that funny...
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: gal in black
What Do You Think I've Been Training Them For?
Passing local, to little boy feeding seagulls: Hey, you don't want to do that. They'll attack you.
Little boy: Okay. Thank you.
Local walks of earshot.
Little boy: What a bitch.
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sara
I Thought That Was an Extension of Your Neck-Fat
Fat black girl running in bikini: Yo, bitch, why you didn't tell me my titty was hangin' out?! Shit!
Innocent, spooked bystander girl: What?!
Fat black girl running in bikini: Never mind, bitch!
--Brighton Beach, New York
I Am Parko, Almighty Parking Deity. Give Me Your Worldly Goods or Roam the Melting Streets Forever!
Parking lot attendant: Thirty dollars.
Woman: Last time I was here, you charged me five dollars.
Parking lot attendant: I should be charging you the same amount as it is degrees outside. I should be charging you like ninety three dollars.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: arc, mich
Which Is Really Making Me Sick
Concerned passerby: Dude... Are you okay?
Concerned drunk: I appreciate your concern, but you're standing in my puke.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Not Smart Enough to Capitalize on Free Pussy
Bimbette looking at guy reading GRE study guide: What's that?
Guy: Huh? [Bimbette points to title.] It's a test I need to take to get my Master's. [Bimbette looks confused.] It's like the SATs for graduate school.
Bimbette: So you're, like, smart and shit. [Guy stares at her and then walks away.]
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Chicagoan in FL
What to Wear to a Tattooing, by Emily Post
Chick getting tattoo on her foot: That hurts!
Guy tattoo-ing her: It wouldn't hurt so much if you weren't wearing tie-dye.
--Ocean Beach, San Diego, California
