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Idiots Are Generally Immune to Sarcasm
American girl #1: So, did you bring the book?
American girl #2: What book?
American girl #1: The book.
American girl #2: Ohh... Ant farm?
American girl #1: No. The bible. Fucking idiot.
--Aix en Provence, France
Overheard by: Ant Farm pretty much IS the Bible
To Be Fair, There Are Some Syringes in There, Too
Tourist: What happened to the beach? It's like...buried in sand!
--Mantoloking Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Shanna
The Wave Machine's a Little Cheesy, Though
Obnoxiously loud tourist on cell, watching lighthouse: Oh my god! You would just love it here! Everything is so cute and quaint! They even have a building that looks just like a real lighthouse! It lights up and everything!
--Holland State Park, Michigan
... And They Drank Too Much of It
Teen tourist girl #1: Why are all the Jersey boys guidos?
Teen tourist girl #2: I don't know. I guess there's a lot of Italians around here.
Teen tourist girl #1: Maybe the water in the ocean is from Italy.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Glad I'm old..
... At Least 50% of the Time
Female tourist on charter sailboat: Will this boat tip over?
Captain: No. It will go over a little bit, but it won't tip over.
Female tourist: Good. I was worried about that.
Captain: Well, if it does, it'll come right back up.
--Panama City Beach, Florida
The Lord Generally Ignores Fast-Food Prayers
Walrusy pink tourist mom, juggling McDonald's bags and towels: Are those seagulls following us?
Dancing pink tourist toddler: I want hanka burger and French-ah fries!
(seagulls swoop over them, attacking the bags)
Dancing pink tourist, shrieking: Oh my god! My French-ah fries!
--St. Peterburg Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
So, Ummm... How Do You Look with Them Off?
Tourist guy #1: I never thought you'd look good in Bermuda shorts.
Tourist guy #2: Right.
Tourist guy #1: But you do! You really do!
--Broadsands, South Devon, United Kingdom
Hey, at Least He Connected the Right Animal with the Right Country
American: Hey, you're from Australia, right?
Australian: Yeah. I'm just here on holiday.
American: Right. I thought you had an Aussie accent. So you're not familiar with cars, hey? It's all about kangaroos where you come from?
Australian, laughing: Yep... that's right.
--California
Marijuana: The Universal Language
Guatemalan teen, passing American teen on the beach: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Huh? What?
Guatemalan teen: Quieres fumar?
American teen: Bro, I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Mexican or whatever that is.
Guatemalan teen: Want smoke weed?
American teen: Oh. Hell yeah, why didn't you say that the first time?
--Monte Rico, Guatemala
Overheard by: MangoJoe
You Could Have Had a Friend in Pennsylvania, But Nooo...
Tourist guy: I hate these tourists! They think they're so cool, just coming down for the weekend in their little homes, fucking up the traffic and making parking difficult. Go home!
Local teen: Your license plate says you're from Pennsylvania.
Tourist guy: I rent for the summer. I guess I'm kinda like you, in a sense.
Local teen: Bitch, please.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: beach native
NewsFlash: Viagra and Headboards Spell Disaster
Tourist mom on cell: He's not gonna be brain damaged! It wasn't my fault -- it was only two hours!
--Point Pleasant Boardwalk, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
Hurry, They Stop Serving Passports at 11:00 A.M.!
Tour coach driver, gesturing to McDonald's restaurant further down the road: Aaaaand coming up ahead are the golden arches of the American embassy.
--TehanuNui, Nelson, New Zealand
Overheard by: Makenzie
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
--Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
Those Aren't Girls, Sir
American girl #1: Does your boyfriend shave his balls?
American girl #2: I didn't know that men do that.
Nearby British man: Is this what young American girls talk about on their holiday?
--Cassis, France
You Must Be at Least This Smart to Go Near the Water
Tourist mom: Can you rent a boat at the lake down there?
Employee: Um, no. And that's the Pacific ocean.
--Coffee Shop, Carmel Beach, California
Take It Up with God, Lady.
Tourist: What time is high tide today?
Lifeguard: I think it's around 6:30.
Tourist: Why don't you just have it at the same time every day?
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Shark: Ralph, Do You Have to Play the Jaws Theme Non-Stop?
Middle aged tourist yelling frantically to children in the water: Get out, get out! There's sharks!
Teenager with skimboard: Actually, those are a school of stingrays. They're quite harmle...
Middle age mother, cutting him off: Shaaarks! Get out now!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Jonica Grompson
What'd You Say, Honey? I Was Looking at These Guys in Speedos Over Here.
Tourist wife: Look at their butts. These bikinis are too small...Honey? Did you hear me?
Tourist husband: Huh?
Tourist wife: My point exactly.
--Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
He Taught His Sons Semaphore So He'd Never Have to Walk on Sand Again
Tourist dad: Great communication, guys. Now I had to walk out here and get my feet all sandy.
--Ogunquit, Maine
But They're Priced Up for the Tourist Trade
Tourist lady looking at photo of sea otter: Oh, you have salt water beavers here?!
Local guy: Yes, we do.
Tourist lady: Do they have a name?
Local guy: Yes, we call them 'snatches.'
Tourist lady: Did you hear that, honey? They have snatches here!
--Schooner's Wharf, Cayucos, California
Overheard by: Local girl
You Might Find Some in Between the Condoms and Syringes
Hick tourist, pointing to the ocean: So is that there salt water?
Island Beach State Park worker, after long confused pause: It's the ocean.
Hick tourist: Yeah, but does it like, have salt in it?
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: sick of bennies
Only Kidding, Pookie - I Love Your Soft Little Vienna Sausage
Salesman: Gringo, gringo. Mexican wrestling mask, Nacho Libre!
Guy: No, dude, sorry. I already bought two today.
Salesman: Señorita, one for you?
Girl: Um, no, thanks.
Salesman: Come on... it will be something different for tonight!
Girl: If I wanted something different, we'd be at the farmacia buying Cialis.
--Puerto Nuevo, Mexico
Fine-- It Sucks, Okay?
Floridian: So, what do you think of Ft. Meyers?
New Yorker: Oh, it's charming.
Floridian: Big word, city girl.
--Ft. Myers, Florida
One Doesn't Expect Delays in Latin America
French backpacker waiting for bus, in heavy French accent: Please, someone take a picture of this obnoxiousnezz!
--Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica
Overheard by: RaindanceRichard
And They Keep Accidentally Driving Me Back Over the Border
Tourist with thick New Jersey accent: These people are so stupid! They don't even speak American.
--Huatulco, Mexico
Pop Quiz: Which Girl Are You?
Tourist girl #1: Wow! Check out the package on that guy!
Tourist girl #2: What? He's not holding anything.
Tourist girl #1: I meant his dick!
--Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Overheard by: Fernanda
Christ Returns in the Form of an Idiot, to Test the Compassion of the Modern Beach-Goer
Tourist: Excuse me, are we at the right beach?
Local: Umm...
Tourist: We want to go to the beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.
Local: It's right there.
Tourist: Where?
Local: Why am I talking to you again?
--San Francisco, California
...We'll Come Down From the Acid
German: We'll see the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and Disneyland. Then on the second day...
--Los Angeles, California
Pfff! I Saw That Show -- It's All 'You Know What the Difference Between Aquatic and Land Mammals Is?'
Tourist lady: Do you know when the dolphin show is?
Lifeguard: Uh, yeah, I think the truck just came with all the dolphins in it... should be in about half an hour.
Tourist lady: Oh, great! Thank you.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
...And Pass the Vodka
Snorkel guide: The blue belt is for the strong swimmer. The orange belt is for... the weaker swimmer.
Man to wife: You better get the orange belt.
Wife: Hey, shut up!
--Jamaica
Overheard by: Peeto the Cheeto
Though I Often Doubt If They Are Worth It
Native man: This is where Hawaiians come to celebrate a child's first birthday with a luau. All the family comes to have a three-day party by the ocean.
Tourist: How did that get started?
Native man: To protect the babies from the missionaries who loved to eat plump Hawaiian babies.
Tourist, shocked: That wasn't in my tour book.
Native man: It's something we keep quiet to protect the white missionaries.
--Kohala, Hawaii
Overheard by: BLondie
Next, Grasshopper, You Will Learn to Say the F-Word in Between Syllables
Swedish guy, to French guy: So you're telling me I just paid like 1,000 Euro to go here and find out that some fuckin' frogshagger screwed my girlfriend?
French guy says nothing.
Swedish guy: Hey, that's three words for "intercourse" in one sentence! Personal record!
--Côte d'Azur, France
Overheard by: Another Swede
I'll Ask God If We Can Borrow His Wet-Dry Vac
Tourist, walking on boardwalk at high tide: They really have to do something about this water problem.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
At Last, Texas Has Found Its Purpose in the US
Tourist: Hey! You guys musta cleaned up real good after all the hurricanes last year. Everything looks brand new again.
Beach attendant: Excuse me?
Tourist: Yeah, you guys did a better job than all those FEMA guys in New Orleans.
Beach attendant: We didn't get any hurricanes on the West Coast.
Tourist: You must have better levees here then.
Beach attendant: Yeah, we have Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and the rest of California.
--Laguna Beach, California
The Earth Turns Blue and Moves
Tourist guy: How will we know when we get to the beach?
Bus driver, staring at him: I think you'll figure it out.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: SYDNEYGUY
Yet We Can't Seem to Keep You Off Our Island
American tourist, to black islander carving a sculpture from a log: You people are so talented!
--Straw Market, Nassau, Bahamas
Overheard by: Dumbfounded Tourist
Winter In Maine Is ...Less Than Exciting
Suburban tourist #1: Remember that time when I threw the cat out in the snow and that guy was staring at me?
Suburban tourist #2: And then John got christened by the cat.
Suburban tourist #1: Yeah, I don't think that cat had peed in six months. It was like a fire hose.
Wife: That John and his temper...
--All Day Breakfast, Kennebunkport, Maine
Overheard by: Amused Locals
And Ketchup
American female tourist #1: So what did you say your favorite condoment was ?
American female tourist #2: Trojans!
American male tourist: You kiddin ... Mine is Europe, every time!
--Holland America Cruise, Mediterrean Sea
Overheard by: Vennfix
And Stay Out of Iowa
Black guy playing drums, smiling at toddler nearby: Hi, sweetie. What you thinkin'? [Passing white lady tourist takes picture, and black guy frowns.] I respect you, too! Do I take a picture of you at the insurance office in Iowa?!
White lady tourist: Well, I--
Black guy: --Step off, bitch! [Turns back to little girl] Don't grow up to be like her, baby girl.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: This place sure has changed since the 80s
No, It's Actually for Vacationers Who Need a Change of Pace
Teen tourist: Oh my God, there's a high school over there! Wait, does that mean people actually live here? I thought it was just a tourist place. Weird.
--Aruba
And Is That Water Over There?
American tourist looking at beach: Whoa! There's a lot of sand!
--Beach, Australia
GI Jane Gets Edited For Lifetime
American girl, looking at girl with shaved head: Oh my God, I feel soo bad for her.
American friend #1: 'Cause she has cancer?
American friend #2: Or she's a dyke.
American girl: Either way, it sucks!
--Herzliya Beach, Herzliya, Israel
Um, We've Gotten Sunburn in Our Basement.
Very sunburned tourist man to very sunburned tourist lady: Well, I don't think we can get sunburned in the water.
--Bimini, Bahamas
Overheard by: Chey
God Rolls an Icy White Blanket over the Water -- Like a Pool Tarp
Tourist: What do they do with the beach in the winter?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Travis
"...Do I Have to Bleach It?"
Chubby tourist: So then I was like, "Okay, anal is something I'd really wanna try."
--Beach 6, Presque Isle, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
As Soon as the Navy Finishes Fitting Them With Cannons
Tourist to lifeguard: Excuse me. Excuse me! When do they release the dolphins?
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Backnarootie
Your Editors Would Totally Buy a Bracelet
Bedouin girl selling bracelets: Where you from?
Canadian tourist: You are so cute, I am from Canada!
Bedouin girl: Canada dry, never die, Canada dry, never die. You buy bracelet?
--Dahab, Egpyt
Your Editors Refuse to Go to Taco Bell Ever Again
Fat tourist lady: So then he yelled "I'm going to poop on your chest, you'll see!"
--South Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Captain K
Newsflash: Mexican Dishwashing Skills Put to Use in Local Beautification Project
Tourist: How do they get the sand so white? Do they bleach it or something?
Local: We wash it every day.
--Tulum, Mexico
Overheard by: Tulumbum
I May Never Go Home Again
Young male Australian tourist on cell: We've already been to a service station and a McDonald's, which is different.
--Rotorua, New Zealand
Overheard by: exactly how different to McDonald's in Australia?
I Must Now Take 300 Digital Photographs
Tourist woman, looking at bushes of rose hips: Oh! Look at all the baby tomatoes!
--Horseneck Beach, Massachusetts
Thus Ousted, the Crackhead Went to Yale and Ran for President
Crackhead: Yeah, I'm kind of known around here as the sheriff of the North Shore.
Local guy: Yeah? Well, then I'm the mayor.
Passing Australian surfer: I want to be prime minister.
--Sunset Beach, Oahu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jehan
That's As Much As I'm Cleared to Tell You At This Juncture
Tourist: Hey, the water is coming up really high.
Local: Yeah, it's definitely a high tide today.
Tourist: How come it does that? I mean, what makes the water come up so high?
Local: Well, let's just say it has a lot to do with the moon.
--Pismo-Oceano Dunes, California
Overheard by: janie
Remember When You Thought Taking German in College Would Never Do You Any Good?
Male tourist speaking in German: Look at that guy's Speedo!
Female tourist speaking in German: Eeew. And his friend really needs to shave his back.
Male tourist speaking in German: I am so glad no one understands what we are saying.
Female tourist speaking in German: I know!
--South Beach, Florida
Overheard by: German-speaker
Lucky He Didn't Order a Sex on the Beach
Tourist guy: Can I get a banana daiquiri with dark rum?
Dominican Bartender: Sí.
Tourist guy receives a banana daiquiri in one glass and another full of dark rum.
--Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
Overheard by: Devon
First Tell Me What You Think a Beach Is
Tourist standing on beach: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the beach is?
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Shannon
God Does the Rest
Tourist: Where do they put the sand in the winter?
Local, sarcastically: Oh, they put it in bags and store it in the convention center.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC local
The Adult Film Industry Will Be Happy to Guide You
Ditzy blonde tourist: I'm in New York City, and I have no idea what to do.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Mimi
No, There Has to Be at Least an Hour of Hijinks and Double Entendre First!
Foreign girl: Hello. I just bought this bike. I need a special instrument to raise the seat. Can you help me?
Guy #1: We might. Do you need a wrench?
Foreign girl: Oh. I don't know...[giggles]
Guy #2: Where are you from?
Foreign girl: Belarus.
Guy #1: Why did you decide to come to the US?
Foreign girl, excitedly: I came for work and pleasure! I work at Subway!
Guy #2: This is so stereotypical teen movie.
Foreign girl: Does that mean you can fix my bike?
Guy #1: Do you wanna come inside and get drunk with us?
--5 Kings Row, Dewey Beach, Delaware
It's All Fun and Games 'Til She Calls FEMA
Boat captain: C'mon, we have to go. The tide's coming in and the island's gonna sink!
Gullible tourist: Okay.
(soon the tourist sees the island disappearing behind them on the horizon as the boat goes back to port)
Gullible tourist: You're right! It's sinking!
--Boat Tour, Hawaii
Pango-Pango, Maryland... Right?
Pale tourist: Hey, do you have the time?
Bronzed local child: Sure, mister! It's 12:45.
Pale tourist: Is that Eastern Standard Time?
Bronzed local child, sarcastically: No. It's local time in Pango-Pango.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Geobaldi
How New Jersey Got Most of Its Population
Tourist: How do I get to the beach?
Local #1: Get on the 8 and go east.
Tourist: Thanks.
(tourist leaves)
Local #2: You're sending her east.
Local #1: Fuck her, she didn't say which beach.
--Pacific Beach, California
The Premature Ejaculators' Society Takes a Holiday
Loud Brit on cell: Oh, yes! We're finally here! It's so warm here! All quiet -- it's just beautiful! Will you be along soon? Oh... Ah... Uh-huh... So you're going to have sex? Right, then -- see you in a minute! Bye!
--Barcelona, Spain
Overheard by: Avkram
These Government Plants Are Getting More and More Believable
Serbian waiter: Card?
Tourist ordering drinks: You're going to card me!? C'mon, I left my card in the State room.
Serbian waiter: Card you? In Prague I work in bar next to high school, no I'm not going to carding! I need your payment card.
--Carnival Cruise, Ensenada, Mexico
Note to National Defense: Big Expenditure and Decorating Faux Pas
Frivolous tourist: What's that?
Earnest tourist: That's an aircraft carrier. San Diego is a big Navy port.
Frivolous tourist: Well, I think it just clutters up the look of the harbor.
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Teresa Minnich
Remember What Happened When You Tried to Do That at the Met?
Mexican tour guide: Virgin women between the ages of 19-24 were sacrificed at the top of the main temple to the sun god--
Bored Brit #1: --What he really means is that all the pretty birds had already been laid so they had to sacrifice the ugly birds for the benefit of the future civilization.
Bored Brit #2: I don't care. All I want to do is run to the top of that little temple, have a fag, and look at the ocean.
--Cancun, Mexico
Why Bill Got Fired from His Weatherman Gig
Tourist: What a beautiful day! If it were a girl I'd take her home and eat her pussy out all night!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Or Was That Rottweilers?
Female tourist: So, how do they know where the islands are every day?
Male tourist: They're chained to the sea floor so they don't drift too far.
--Cinnamon Bay, St. John, U.S. Virgin Islands
Overheard by: stephen
Dear Folks, Won Another Argument. Best Vacation Ever!
Worldly hippie: So, my goal right now is pretty much to take the time to watch the sunset every day, because, you know, there aren't that many.
Vacationing New Yorker: What is there more of than sunsets?
--Goa, India
Overheard by: Iman
Wait Until She Sees Some Purple Ones
Southern lady looking at surfers in wetsuits: I never knew there were so many negro surfers!
--El Granada, California
Overheard by: davo
She Went with the Sheep Testicles and a Nice Chablis
English girl reading menu: Oh my god. What? It's all in foreign!
--Beach cafe, Northern France
Overheard by: Jess
How Can You Be from a Baseball Pitcher?
Tourist: So where you from?
Hot girl: Uh, here. Where'd you think I was from?
Tourist: I dunno. It's just that here, people are always like "Ooh, I'm from Venezuela" and I'm just like, dude, what the fuck is Venezuela?
--Miami Beach, Florida
Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed
Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.
--Treasure Island, Florida
Overheard by: Native Floridian
