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I Like to Talk About Them and Watch for Erections

Girl: I didn't realize my nipples were dark until I went to sleep-away camp and the girls in my tent were like: "Um. Wow." I went topless in Jamaica and they were, like, black when I came back.

--Long Beach, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Colleen


Posted 2008-08-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Anyone Else's Bra Need a Refill?

Golden girl: Excuse me, bartender!
(harried bartender grunts at her)
Golden girl
: Bartender, can I just have an ice cube please?

(harried bartender fills a cup with ice cubes and slams it down in front of her)
Golder girl
: What am I supposed to do with all of these? I just wanted one to put in my bra!


--Colony Hotel, Delray Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Becka Dash


Posted 2008-07-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible

Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?

--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii

Overheard by: Responsible Tourist


Posted 2008-07-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Loss of Virginity's Contagious

[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1
: Why you going so fast?!

Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!

--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!


Posted 2008-07-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We're a Low-Humidity Race, My Friend

Kid #1: Hey -how you gonna go in the water, come back and be dry already?
Kid #2: Cause I'm black.
Kid #1: [Pause.] Hey, shut up.

--Brighton Beach, New York

Overheard by: Emily


Posted 2008-07-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing

Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]
Long Island husband
: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!

Long Island wife: We've been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!

--West Palm Beach, Florida

Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too


Posted 2008-07-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's Not Slutty If It's in the Name of Science

Teen girl: Of course she will get naked, she is slutty... I will get naked too, next time, but you guys respect me, right? Oh look, there's a nude dude... [Points at stranger.] Want to see if I can get him hard?

--Sandy Hook, New Jersey


Posted 2008-07-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals

Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.

--Jones Beach, New York


Posted 2008-07-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Hard to Breathe

20-something girl, coming out of the ocean: This water's salty!

--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina


Posted 2008-07-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner

Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]

--South Beach Florida


Posted 2008-07-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Know You're Black, Right?

Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.

--Waikiki, Hawaii


Posted 2008-07-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Something Is Making Me Uncomfortable

Boston woman in her late 50s: ... And it's not like it used to be. Jamaica Plain has become so culturally diverse... It's so unfortunate!
Sunburned woman in her late 50s: Um. Where is that sunscreen?

--Surfside Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts

Overheard by: KP


Posted 2008-07-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Inserted It Into My Vagina

Blonde: So my mom fucked me last night.
Friend: She what?
Blonde: You know, held up her middle finger...
Friend: Um...

--Malibu, California


Posted 2008-07-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed

Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.

--Treasure Island, Florida

Overheard by: Native Floridian


Posted 2008-05-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal

Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.

--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry


Posted 2008-05-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What'd We Tell You About Crying That, Peter?

Man, hearing seagulls: Wolves!

--Upper Hutt, New Zealand

Overheard by: Schmitty


Posted 2008-05-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut

40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!

--La Jolla, California

Overheard by: Confetti Bomb


Posted 2008-05-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"...Hand Over Your Karma and No One Gets Hurt."

Pale nerd to posse: So I took out my super big blue Chakra shotgun and I said...

--Seal Beach, California


Posted 2008-05-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

So, This Is Hell?

Formerly smiling lifeguard: Great, I've got bird shit on me, and we have to listen to John Mayer!

--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina


Posted 2008-05-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch

Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!

--Paradise Island, The Bahamas

Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer


Posted 2008-05-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once

Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!

--Playa Del Rey, CA


Posted 2008-05-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now That I Have This Inconvenient Infection

Teenage girl: So I've decided not to be a slut anymore.

--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey


Posted 2008-05-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?

Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!

--Robert Moses, New York

Overheard by: Zep


Posted 2008-05-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese

Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.

--Virginia Beach


Posted 2008-05-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been

Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?

--Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Ilyse


Posted 2008-05-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes

Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.

--Rockway Beach, NY


Posted 2008-05-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Mmm, Damage

Sunbathing girl: Ahhh! Burning sensation!

--Ocean City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Kristin


Posted 2008-05-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Is Why You Can't Bring Snips, Snails or Puppy Dog Tails on Planes Anymore

Little boy, wearing a towel as a cape: I'm six! And six-year-old boys are full of poison! I'm gonna bite you! Rawrrr!

--Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Lisita


Posted 2008-05-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Is This Thing On?

Bikini girl #1: Oh my god, he was totally sleeping, and his member was, like, totally awake. Like, hello?!
Bikini girl #2, giggling: Yeah, hello?!
Bikini girl #3, giggling: Hello?!

--Seaside Heights, New Jersey


Posted 2008-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How Jewish Mothers Coddle Their Sons into Gibbering, Bedwetting, Compulsive Masturbators

Mother, dressing son: Wow, your hair dried gorgeously! You're such a Jew.

--Cape Henlopen, Delaware

Overheard by: KDP


Posted 2008-04-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You, Not So Much

Teen girl #1: The sand is so hot!
Teen girl #2: That's why God put the sand near the water.
Teen girl #1: God was a genius!

--Fair Haven Beach, New York

Overheard by: Jane


Posted 2008-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Shoulda Trimmed the Beard

Guy: Does my face smell like vagina?
Girl: I doubt it [sniffs his face]. Well, maybe a little.

--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina


Posted 2008-04-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Nude Beach Brain Teaser

Wife: Frank, you heard about the 11 second rule?
Husband, staring at hot nude chick nearby: What?
Wife: The 11 second rule. If the cops catch you staring at breasts for more than 11 seconds, you have to go to jail.
Husband: No way.
Wife: And keep in mind, there are lots of gay men on this beach.

--Race Point Nude Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts


Posted 2008-04-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

She's Never Going to Let That One Go

Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!

--Jones Beach, New York

Overheard by: JD


Posted 2008-04-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

To Bring Up Incest Like That

12-year-old boy to boogie boarding pal: You just did a 360! That was so awesome! We should all give you blowjobs for that! Even your brother!
Friend: Dude, you are so gay.

--Monterey Beach, New Jersey

Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith


Posted 2008-04-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Then It Would Be Lake Superior

Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.

--Old Orchard Beach, Maine

Overheard by: shawshank


Posted 2008-04-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What, You've Never Done Dumbell Curls?

10-year-old girl: My virgin arms! My virgin arms!

--Belmar, New Jersey

Overheard by: Confused


Posted 2008-04-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What about That Guy Standing behind You Right Now Licking Your Asshole?

Woman #1: I haven't had sex in three years.
Woman #2: But what about your friend?
Woman #1: He doesn't count, because I don't enjoy it.

--Brittany Beach, France


Posted 2008-04-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

At 40, after Three Failed In-Vitros, Kassidy Was to Remember This Conversation

Little girl: Are you a mom? You look like a mom.
College student: No. How old do you think I am?
Little girl: Fifteen?

--Palm City, Florida

Overheard by: MBD


Posted 2008-04-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Miss Manners Says as Long as You Ask First, It's Okay

Queer: That guy sooo just checked you out.
Hot chick: Should I go over there and ask to sit on his face?
Queer: Bianca.
Hot chick: What? I'm horny!
Queer: Me, too, now that I think of it.

--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia


Posted 2008-04-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How the Johnson Family Bankrupted Frito-Lay

Mom: You cut your finger on a Cheetoh?

--Hotel pool, Lancaster, Pennsylvania


Posted 2008-04-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Chloroform Never Leads to Love

Girl #1: I mean, I could force a relationship right now. I just don't want to.
Girl #2: Uh-huh.
Girl #1: We really don't have that much in common.
Girl #2: Uh-huh.

--Dewey Beach, Rehoboth, Delaware

Overheard by: Alaina


Posted 2008-04-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We'd Be Grifting on the Midway

Tank-topped boardwalk guy to friend: We're a different breed. If we were any closer to circus folk...

--Seaside Heights Boardwalk, Jersey Shore, New Jersey

Overheard by: twoferrets


Posted 2008-04-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Downtown from the South Bronx

Chick: So, you live in the city? Wow, where do you live, downtown?
Thug kid: Yeah, downtown... Well, not exactly downtown. Harlem.

--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey

Overheard by: alison


Posted 2008-04-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!

Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!

--Ocean City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Rafaela


Posted 2008-04-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

First Tell Me What You Think a Beach Is

Tourist standing on beach: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the beach is?

--Jones Beach, New York

Overheard by: Shannon


Posted 2008-04-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What You Get for Eating Cafeteria Food

Five-year-old pulling her bottom lip down: I have herpes!

--Seabrook Beach, New Hampshire


Posted 2008-04-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

But I'm Breast-Feeding That Conch Shell Over There

Old lady: This isn't a nude beach!
Young lady, sunbathing topless and feigning surprise: Oh, really? Oh, okay...

--Auckland, New Zealand

Overheard by: Shakira


Posted 2008-04-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Sniffling, Leroy Cut the Cards

Seven-year-old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It's time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear -- I'm starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].

--21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland


Posted 2008-04-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Working My Way Up to an Entire Udder

Young mother #1: I am just so pissed that I have to wait until Wednesday to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I really want to go out drinking tonight.
Young mother #2: So? I never let that hold me back.
Young mother #1: Yeah, that's gotta be why little Eric* has a third nipple.

--Sachuest Beach, Newport, Rhode Island

Overheard by: Rebecca


Posted 2008-04-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Florida Lies Outside the Normal Space-Time Continuum

20-ish blonde: What time is it in Florida?

--Ocean City, New Jersey


Posted 2008-04-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Can't Seriously Expect Frank to Give Up a Possible Bite Just to Save Someone

Redneck girl: Frank was out fishing with the guy who drowned yesterday.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he try to save him?
Redneck girl: No, he was fishing -- I told you. He thought he had one on the line.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he?
Redneck girl: No, it was just the water.
Redneck boyfriend: I thought you were gonna say it was the guy who drowned.

--Holland State Park, Michigan

Overheard by: Townie


Posted 2008-04-03 EmailQuoteLink