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I Like to Talk About Them and Watch for Erections
Girl: I didn't realize my nipples were dark until I went to sleep-away camp and the girls in my tent were like: "Um. Wow." I went topless in Jamaica and they were, like, black when I came back.
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Colleen
Anyone Else's Bra Need a Refill?
Golden girl: Excuse me, bartender!
(harried bartender grunts at her)
Golden girl: Bartender, can I just have an ice cube please?
(harried bartender fills a cup with ice cubes and slams it down in front of her)
Golder girl: What am I supposed to do with all of these? I just wanted one to put in my bra!
--Colony Hotel, Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Becka Dash
If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible
Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?
--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Responsible Tourist
Loss of Virginity's Contagious
[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!
We're a Low-Humidity Race, My Friend
Kid #1: Hey -how you gonna go in the water, come back and be dry already?
Kid #2: Cause I'm black.
Kid #1: [Pause.] Hey, shut up.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Emily
An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing
Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]
Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We've been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too
It's Not Slutty If It's in the Name of Science
Teen girl: Of course she will get naked, she is slutty... I will get naked too, next time, but you guys respect me, right? Oh look, there's a nude dude... [Points at stranger.] Want to see if I can get him hard?
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals
Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.
--Jones Beach, New York
And Hard to Breathe
20-something girl, coming out of the ocean: This water's salty!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner
Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
--South Beach Florida
You Know You're Black, Right?
Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.
--Waikiki, Hawaii
Something Is Making Me Uncomfortable
Boston woman in her late 50s: ... And it's not like it used to be. Jamaica Plain has become so culturally diverse... It's so unfortunate!
Sunburned woman in her late 50s: Um. Where is that sunscreen?
--Surfside Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: KP
And Inserted It Into My Vagina
Blonde: So my mom fucked me last night.
Friend: She what?
Blonde: You know, held up her middle finger...
Friend: Um...
--Malibu, California
Things Went Fine Until She Saw Some Menacing Seaweed
Tourist mom to kids, upon seeing dolphins: Get out of the water! Go, now! Get out! [After seeing everyone else getting in and swimming out.] Never mind, get back in.
--Treasure Island, Florida
Overheard by: Native Floridian
He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal
Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.
--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
What'd We Tell You About Crying That, Peter?
Man, hearing seagulls: Wolves!
--Upper Hutt, New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut
40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!
--La Jolla, California
Overheard by: Confetti Bomb
"...Hand Over Your Karma and No One Gets Hurt."
Pale nerd to posse: So I took out my super big blue Chakra shotgun and I said...
--Seal Beach, California
So, This Is Hell?
Formerly smiling lifeguard: Great, I've got bird shit on me, and we have to listen to John Mayer!
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch
Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!
--Paradise Island, The Bahamas
Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer
Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once
Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!
--Playa Del Rey, CA
Now That I Have This Inconvenient Infection
Teenage girl: So I've decided not to be a slut anymore.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?
Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!
--Robert Moses, New York
Overheard by: Zep
No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese
Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.
--Virginia Beach
This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been
Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ilyse
And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes
Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.
--Rockway Beach, NY
Mmm, Damage
Sunbathing girl: Ahhh! Burning sensation!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kristin
This Is Why You Can't Bring Snips, Snails or Puppy Dog Tails on Planes Anymore
Little boy, wearing a towel as a cape: I'm six! And six-year-old boys are full of poison! I'm gonna bite you! Rawrrr!
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lisita
Is This Thing On?
Bikini girl #1: Oh my god, he was totally sleeping, and his member was, like, totally awake. Like, hello?!
Bikini girl #2, giggling: Yeah, hello?!
Bikini girl #3, giggling: Hello?!
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
How Jewish Mothers Coddle Their Sons into Gibbering, Bedwetting, Compulsive Masturbators
Mother, dressing son: Wow, your hair dried gorgeously! You're such a Jew.
--Cape Henlopen, Delaware
Overheard by: KDP
You, Not So Much
Teen girl #1: The sand is so hot!
Teen girl #2: That's why God put the sand near the water.
Teen girl #1: God was a genius!
--Fair Haven Beach, New York
Overheard by: Jane
Shoulda Trimmed the Beard
Guy: Does my face smell like vagina?
Girl: I doubt it [sniffs his face]. Well, maybe a little.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Nude Beach Brain Teaser
Wife: Frank, you heard about the 11 second rule?
Husband, staring at hot nude chick nearby: What?
Wife: The 11 second rule. If the cops catch you staring at breasts for more than 11 seconds, you have to go to jail.
Husband: No way.
Wife: And keep in mind, there are lots of gay men on this beach.
--Race Point Nude Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
She's Never Going to Let That One Go
Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: JD
To Bring Up Incest Like That
12-year-old boy to boogie boarding pal: You just did a 360! That was so awesome! We should all give you blowjobs for that! Even your brother!
Friend: Dude, you are so gay.
--Monterey Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith
Then It Would Be Lake Superior
Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
What, You've Never Done Dumbell Curls?
10-year-old girl: My virgin arms! My virgin arms!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Confused
What about That Guy Standing behind You Right Now Licking Your Asshole?
Woman #1: I haven't had sex in three years.
Woman #2: But what about your friend?
Woman #1: He doesn't count, because I don't enjoy it.
--Brittany Beach, France
At 40, after Three Failed In-Vitros, Kassidy Was to Remember This Conversation
Little girl: Are you a mom? You look like a mom.
College student: No. How old do you think I am?
Little girl: Fifteen?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
Miss Manners Says as Long as You Ask First, It's Okay
Queer: That guy sooo just checked you out.
Hot chick: Should I go over there and ask to sit on his face?
Queer: Bianca.
Hot chick: What? I'm horny!
Queer: Me, too, now that I think of it.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
How the Johnson Family Bankrupted Frito-Lay
Mom: You cut your finger on a Cheetoh?
--Hotel pool, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Chloroform Never Leads to Love
Girl #1: I mean, I could force a relationship right now. I just don't want to.
Girl #2: Uh-huh.
Girl #1: We really don't have that much in common.
Girl #2: Uh-huh.
--Dewey Beach, Rehoboth, Delaware
Overheard by: Alaina
We'd Be Grifting on the Midway
Tank-topped boardwalk guy to friend: We're a different breed. If we were any closer to circus folk...
--Seaside Heights Boardwalk, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: twoferrets
Downtown from the South Bronx
Chick: So, you live in the city? Wow, where do you live, downtown?
Thug kid: Yeah, downtown... Well, not exactly downtown. Harlem.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: alison
And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!
Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rafaela
First Tell Me What You Think a Beach Is
Tourist standing on beach: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the beach is?
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Shannon
What You Get for Eating Cafeteria Food
Five-year-old pulling her bottom lip down: I have herpes!
--Seabrook Beach, New Hampshire
But I'm Breast-Feeding That Conch Shell Over There
Old lady: This isn't a nude beach!
Young lady, sunbathing topless and feigning surprise: Oh, really? Oh, okay...
--Auckland, New Zealand
Overheard by: Shakira
Sniffling, Leroy Cut the Cards
Seven-year-old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It's time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear -- I'm starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].
--21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland
I'm Working My Way Up to an Entire Udder
Young mother #1: I am just so pissed that I have to wait until Wednesday to find out if I'm pregnant or not. I really want to go out drinking tonight.
Young mother #2: So? I never let that hold me back.
Young mother #1: Yeah, that's gotta be why little Eric* has a third nipple.
--Sachuest Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Rebecca
Florida Lies Outside the Normal Space-Time Continuum
20-ish blonde: What time is it in Florida?
--Ocean City, New Jersey
You Can't Seriously Expect Frank to Give Up a Possible Bite Just to Save Someone
Redneck girl: Frank was out fishing with the guy who drowned yesterday.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he try to save him?
Redneck girl: No, he was fishing -- I told you. He thought he had one on the line.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he?
Redneck girl: No, it was just the water.
Redneck boyfriend: I thought you were gonna say it was the guy who drowned.
--Holland State Park, Michigan
Overheard by: Townie
Just Wait 'til Prom, Buddy
Teen boy, looking at boogie board: Oh, man... My nipples are gonna get it.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate H
They Never Listen, Though
Guy: I'm coming! I'm coming! Be gentle!
--Through a motel wall, Cape May, New Jersey
The Catholic Church's Last-Ditch Ad Campaign
Girl #1: Man, I think I got a yeast infection from that dude.
Girl #2: That fucking sucks.
Girl #1: Tell me about it. Getting laid is killing my sex life.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: hillary claire
I Have Had It with This Porn Shoot!
Girl #1: That motherfucker is totally going to hit us with his ball.
Girl #2: Assholes... They just don't know how to act.
Girl #1: Yeah, man. Shit, where's my top?
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
No, My Family Comes to See Me
Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah... And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?
--Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut
Overheard by: Forgot my iPod
[Sigh] I Jack Off to Ideas a Lot
30-ish guy #1: I see you're sporting the side ponytail.
30-ish girl: Just for you!
30-ish guy #2: Yeah, I bet you're gonna jack off to that side ponytail.
30-ish guy #1: No! I jack off to the idea of the side ponytail. They're coming back, I tell ya!
--Summerfest, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: the only sober person there
I'll Only Kiss You in Public Restrooms and Camera-Free Elevators
Chick #1: Why didn't you kiss me at the pool?!
Chick #2: Because I don't want to have an open relationship with you!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
The Purpose-Driven Life Made a Huge Impression on Me
Drunk girl: My goal is to win a wet T-shirt contest so I can win two hundred dollars and get a tattoo... I could never get naked, but I would if I had to.
--Ft. Walton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: If I didn't have to work the next day, I'd have invited her to party
And Stay Out of Iowa
Black guy playing drums, smiling at toddler nearby: Hi, sweetie. What you thinkin'? [Passing white lady tourist takes picture, and black guy frowns.] I respect you, too! Do I take a picture of you at the insurance office in Iowa?!
White lady tourist: Well, I--
Black guy: --Step off, bitch! [Turns back to little girl] Don't grow up to be like her, baby girl.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: This place sure has changed since the 80s
Loved the Clown Noses on the Nipples, by the Way
Drunk girl who just flashed her tits: Here, I'll show you, but I know you're going to laugh.
Bouncer: Like I'm gonna laugh at your ID -- I just saw your tits!
--Outside Mercury Bar, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Here tits were pretty funny
Bush Surrendered Cheney Almost Immediately
Man: ... So I just walked out of there with two heads of cabbages and a hand full of cash... And I walked up to him and said, 'Give me that goat!'
--Restaurant, Mammoth, California
Jonathan Richman: Hey, He Was Never Called an Asshole!
Skater punk to another: Dude, seriously, fuck Picasso.
--Venice Beach, California
Trevor Begins to Have Trouble Sleeping
Guy: There is nothing worse than having sand in your crotch.
Girl: What about a machete in your crotch?
--Sydney, Australia
People Pee in Bathrooms at the Beach?
Big mama in bathroom stall with daughter: Hurry up and pee!
Young girl: Mommy, I can't pee with other people around!
Big mama: Honey, if and when you go to jail, you gonna hafta pee in front of other people.
--Scarborough Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Riley
And Sometimes from Places As Far-Flung As England
Bimbette: Yeah, I love that show. They show clips from all around the world like Britain and the UK and stuff.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
Dear Folks, Won Another Argument. Best Vacation Ever!
Worldly hippie: So, my goal right now is pretty much to take the time to watch the sunset every day, because, you know, there aren't that many.
Vacationing New Yorker: What is there more of than sunsets?
--Goa, India
Overheard by: Iman
Translation: They Have the Best Coke
Dude #1: So, whatever happened to that stripper you were dating?
Dude #2: It's over. I think it's a bad idea to date strippers. You realize there's a good reason they're strippers, then it fucks it up every time you go back. It's like, you look at these hotties and imagine all the possibilities, but now, after dating enough strippers, you realize the possibilities include consoling her drunk ass as she cries about being abused as a child while she lines up another rail of coke, then tells you her secret fantasy is to see you get nailed in the ass by another dude!
Dude #1: I still want to date one.
Dude #2: ... Yeah, they're fun.
--LaHaina's, Mission Beach, California
Overheard by: sean
On Landlines, Mostly
Ditzy chick: What are you doing today?
Skater kid: Chillin' like a villain.
Other girl: The '90s called - they want 'Chillin' like a villain' back.
Ditzy chick: How do the '90s call?
--Ventnor, New Jersey
Samuel Beckett Was Tanning Nearby, and the Rest Is History
Old lady at car: Henry, wait for me!
Old man carrying beach chairs half a block ahead of her: Dammit, Agnes, I'm going! I've been waiting for you for 40 years!
--Beach near Naples, Florida
Overheard by: X
There Are No Poisonous Cows, Mom
Little boy pointing to portabella mushroom: Mommy, what's that?
Tired mother: It's a mushroom. Someday I'm going to make you a hamburger for dinner, but instead of meat, it's going to have one of those mushrooms in it.
Little boy looking back at mushroom, terrified: Why would you do that?!
--Beachside Produce Plus, Melbourne Beach, Florida
Time to Invest in a Bathtub?
Dude: This beach trip has been so awesome!
Chick: We've been here all week, and you haven't walked down to the beach once.
Dude: Yeah, but it's great to just sit around, drink, and get high.
Chick: You do that at home.
Dude: But I can see the water from the window. At home all I see is the parking lot.
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Hope You're Studying up for Thursday's Dung-Flinging Quiz
Professor to group of girls covered in whitish goo: What happened to you?
Girl #1: Egg sac war.
Girl #2 and Girl #3: Yeah.
Professor: ... Ugh.
Guy: I love this class.
--Fort DeSoto Beach, Florida
Overheard by: There's nothing like lab in the field
Problems That Can Be Solved by Beer
Reporter: Hey girls, do you have anything you want to say to the camera?
Drunk girl #1: Hi, mum... I'm not that drunk...
Drunk girl #2: And I'm still a virgin!
--Schoolies Week, Gold Coast, Australia
No, Just My Mom
Dude: Hey, where do you girls go for fun? [They ignore him.] You're just gonna ignore me? Not a 'Fuck you'? Nothing? Bitch!
Chick: You kiss your dick with that mouth?
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
And Not the Exciting Kind
Little girl: What does that sign mean?
Father: That means 'Pedestrians,' sweetie.
Little girl: Are we pedestrians?
Father: Yes, we are.
Little girl: Oh... I thought we were Catholics.
--Beach near Amsterdam, North Holland, Netherlands
Overheard by: Daan
From This Month's Negligent Mother Magazine
20-something trailer park chick: This one time I was napping, and I just let the baby crawl around the house. I woke up 'cause I felt this tug on the blankets, and I look down and she was makin' this choking sound! So I beat on her back, right, and this penny came out. When my husband came home I was like, 'You can't be leavin' change lyin' around the house!' But, you know, I just knew something was wrong. Just the way she was tugging on my blankets and that sound she was making, I just knew. It's that mother-daughter thing, you know?
--Palm Beach Shores, Florida
Overheard by: Ethan
With Really Nice Tits
Guy #1: Dude, dude! Tits.
Guy #2: Where?
Guy #1 motions to a topless sunbather.
Guy #2: Dude. That's a guy.
--Miami, Florida
Liv Tyler: As Long As They Don't Find Out I'm Secretly Asian
Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who's Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he's not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is -- he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
When Couples Get Divorced, It Is Truly the Children Who Suffer
Girl: So, when Daddy said that his girlfriend was coming to stay the night it was a bad thing?
Mother: Yes, dear.
Girl: Does this mean I get two Christmases and two birthdays, like Ashlee?
--Parua Bay, New Zealand
Overheard by: naughtygurl
Think We Should Fly South with the Flock?
Bimbette to friend: Why is it so cold? It's a beach!
Passerby: Yeah, a beach in November... Dipshit.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: dr. obvious
I Didn't Bring Enough for Everyone
Teen girl #1: Are you done yet?
Teen girl #2: Still haven't done it yet... By the way, you might not want to get in the way of the current!
Boy: Gross! She's peeing!
Teen girl #2: Shhh! Everyone can hear you!
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Your Father Couldn't Find My Bottom with Both Hands
Little boy to mom: Don't touch me! Only Daddy can touch me. [Mom picks boy up.] I'm going to make Daddy spank you right on your bottom!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
They Call Themselves the 'Unitarians'
Hippie chick #1: He's doing fantastic.
Hippie chick #2: Really?
Hippie chick #1: Yeah, his family was really worried about him for a while, but he's fine now... He's, like, the leader of some cult in the valley.
Hippie chick #2: Good for him.
--Venice Beach, California
Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'
Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You're on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says 'Come on in.'
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don't. That's what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I'll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You'll forget. Do it now. No one's watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I'm going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.
--Destin, Florida
Now If You Could Just Do Something about the Height of Your Waistband
Old man: Honey, do you feel better now that I've started wearing shorter socks?
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
It Was America's Funniest Home Intercourse
College chick on cell: I'm like, 'Why do I have to have dreams about us breaking up? Why can't I have dreams like I used to... Like when I was fucking Bob Saget?'
--Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
His Wife Split with It
Man on cell: What? What's up with the banana skirt? How come I don't get a banana skirt?
--Waikiki, Honolulu, Hawaii
Hey, You're Hot -- I'm Just Saying You're Skanky
Dude stopping intense make-out: Um, you're not gonna tell anyone about this...
Chick: What?!
Dude: Well, I mean, look at you...
Chick: I'm going to tell your mom about this.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Mik
Unless There's More to the Story?
Daughter to mother: You yell at me for saying 'munted,' 'fucked,' 'wasted,' and 'shafted,' because you say they all mean 'having sex.' So for the love of god, when you tell that story will you stop saying you were 'stiffed' by an old lady?!
--New Zealand
What Happens When You Take Sex Ed in North Carolina
Girl #1: Oh, man! So, for Christmas my dad is letting me get my cartilidge pierced! I'm so excited!
Girl #2: Oh, man, that's so cool! I want to get mine done, too.
Girl #1: Yeah, I'll only ever get my ears pierced. Everything else is so gross and weird.
Girl #3: Yeah, well, I have my clit pierced -- do you think that's weird?
Girl #2: What's a clit?
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Google: You'll Need Us to Describe How Good We Are
Hot chick: Like, oh my god, Sarah -- just Google 'How an ugly girl can seduce a hot guy.'
Ugly chick: What's so good about Google anyway?
Hot chick: Like, oh my god -- it's like, well... Google!
--Glenelg, Australia
Tonight's Movie: When Harry Punched Sally
Boy: I think what you just said is racism.
Biotech: I'll give you racism, you black bitch.
--Williamstown, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
Insensitive Bastards
Chick #1: Oh my god, look at that Will*! Isn't he hot? He's wearing a sweater, and it's boiling!
Chick #2: Nah, junkies can't feel.
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: knee coal
Another Round of 'Two Truths and a Lie'
Jersey girl: I never understood the Jersey Shore -- the water is dirty and the streets are trashy.
Dude: Just like the girls here, dirty and trashy.
Jersey girl: Yeah, but at least we have good hair.
--Ocean Grove, New Jersey
What? A Butt's a Butt, Right?
Dude #1, looking at girl's butt: I'd say about a six.
Dude #2: Yeah... Out of a hundred!
Dude #1: Okay, fine. What about her... Eight?
Dude #2: Nah.
Dude #1: Well, what do you think?
Dude #2: That man's about an eight.
Dude #1: Dude...
--Gold Coast, Australia
This Was No Boating Accident!
Lifeguard #1: So, what would you do if somebody came to you with a bat bite?
Lifeguard #2: Ummm... Clean up the wound, I guess.
Lifeguard #1: [Long pause] What would you do for someone with a clown bite?
--Echo Lake, Maine
But You Had a Kid, Mary!
Bitchy friend: ... So then we took a vote, and you're the biggest slut out of all of us.
Girl: But I'm the only virgin.
Bitchy friend: We know.
--Kingston Beach, Washington
Time to Go Back in the Water, Sweetie
Little girl: Guess what Daddy told me, Mommy!
Mother: What's that?
Little girl: When you sweat, it's like your skin is peeing all over you!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandy
It Would Have Had the Same Effect on My Cock
Chick: I don't know why you wanted to come to a nudist beach... It's all old, gay, wrinkled men here. They're all staring at me and the water is so cold -- you look teeny.
Dude: I know, I should have just had you walk around naked at home.
--Gunnison Beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey
God Rolls an Icy White Blanket over the Water -- Like a Pool Tarp
Tourist: What do they do with the beach in the winter?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Travis
He Sinks Three-Quarters of the Way Through Every Voyage
Dude: That's why they call me 'the Titanic.'
Chick: They don't call you 'the Titanic.'
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Ana
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Get Back in the Dating Pool
Teen girl: I heard there are sharks in the lake.
Teen boy: That's probably not true.
Teen girl: It's true. Like, somebody got killed here by a shark.
Teen boy: I think you have upstate New York confused with anywhere with a shoreline.
Teen girl: But...
Teen boy: 'But'-nothing if you wanna get fucked later.
--Lake George, New York
But Everyone Knows It's Minerals That Are the Real Challenge
Man: It was really impressive to do that with vegetables.
--Weymouth, Dorset, United Kingdom
Overheard by: Carolyn & Clare
In Other Words, She'd Fuck Him Jewish
Dude: You know you're turning me on, right?
Hootchie: Do you want me to stop?
Dude: No. No, I don't.
Hootchie: If you didn't have a girfriend, I'd fuck you so hard you wouldn't recognize Jesus.
--Newport, Oregon
Overheard by: Sonora
Tell You What: Give Your Money to Me, and Then You'll Have Genuine Motivation to Steal
Jersey girl: Why do we have to be all ghetto and start stealing stuff when we have money?
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: alison
A Car That Runs on Water
Mother to teen daughter: I want the stuff they won't let you buy.
--Medicine aisle of supermarket, Bethany Beach, Delaware
'Except for Comedians'? Ahahaha! Genius!
Bostonian #1: I was thinking I should try out for Saturday Night Live or somethin'.
Bostonian #2: Yeah, you should, Vin. You are funny!
Bostonian #1: Yeah, I know! I mean, who's funnier than me? Except for, you know, comedians.
--South Beach, Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: luna
How J-Lo Can You Go?
Hootchie #1: You can totally see my ass-crack in these jeans -- what do you think?
Hootchie #2: Ass-crack is the new cleavage.
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: AP
You Were Listening to Coldplay
Teen boy: Fucking faggots!
Queer: How can he tell I'm gay?
Lesbo: How can he tell I'm a lesbian? What, do we exude a flamboyantly-homosexual aura or something? Fuck, we're cuddling with a member of the opposite gender, and people still know we're gay! Damn, it's like P.E. class all over again.
--Delta, British Columbia, Canadia
Before or after They Take Care of Joanie's Really Bad Slut Problem?
Walking vendor: Oh, I know you! I fucked your sister on your front lawn! Your parents have a really bad grub problem. They should take care of that.
--Charlestown, Rhode Island
Of All the Fluids You've Rubbed Over My Back, This One Grosses You Out?
Queer #1 reaching for sunscreen: Okay, I need someone to do my back!
Queer #2: Ewww.
Queer #1: Oh, shut up you skanky-ass, motherfucking whore!
--Cherry Grove Beach, Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: Marizzle
Aren't You Guys a Little Young for a Suicide Pact?
Kid #1: Wanna make a sand castle?
Kid #2: I don't like you.
Kid #1: Wanna go swimming?
Kid #2: I don't like you.
Kid #1: Wanna go eat ice cream?
Kid #2: Wanna go die?
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandy
It's Mostly a Pro Forma Request
Mom: Are you ready to go?
Little girl: No!
Mom: Okay, let's go!
--Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: wondering why she bothered to ask
Speaking of Slapping Bitches...
Girl #1: She's such a ditz. She's in a band called 'Bitch Slap,' and they all wear matching shirts that say 'Bitch Slap.'
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
--Coffs Harbour, Australia
Yes, Just Keep It Away from My Nipples
Dude #1: That girl is hot!
Dude #2: I'd like to duct tape her to a chair!
Dude #2's girlfriend: You're into that?
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Girls: Yes, We'll be 'Right Back'
Bike kid #1: Where are you going? The girls are coming right back!
Bike kid #2: I'm going to get gum.
Bike kid #1 to bike kid #3: We're never bringing him to fucking Wawa again!
--Cape May, New Jersey
Overheard by: DennyCrane
Plus, 13 Is an Unlucky Number
Creepster: Her dad says I'm too old to be hitting on a 13-year-old girl, so I do the math. But if you let them get their belly button pierced, they are going to get attention.
--St. Simon's Island, Georgia
Overheard by: Dragoman
But Then You Could Tuck Your Shorts under Them
Teen chick #1: I might want boobs like that.
Teen chick #2: Yeah, but then they'd get old and saggy.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: I.S.
When Shown an Issue of Maxim, He Discovered He Was Mistaken
Queer looking at screaming queer in water: Maybe I'm not gay.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: laughing entirely too much
Don't Forget to Ask Dad If He Wants a Turn Riding It
Little girl #1: Britney*, what are you doing?
Little girl #2: Building sand boobies.
Little girl #1: You know, you can turn the boobies into testicles and we can make a giant sand penis.
Little girl #2: Okay, cool.
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
When He Does Return, Keith Richards Will Have Much to Answer for
Middle-aged lady #1: He keeps calling me on the cell phone telling me he'll be right there and I'm like, 'I've been waiting 25 years, I'm leaving!'
Middle-aged lady #2: And my poor granddaughter is there, and we're all hugging on each other...
--Cabrillo Beach, California
Overheard by: confused
If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear Her Brain Going Snap, Crackle, Pop
Chick #1: Hey, have you heard of those Rice Krispie treats? They're awesome. They should so make a cereal out of those or something!
Chick #2: You dumbass, they are cereal!
Chick #1: Oh...
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: i like rice krispies
But Only at First
Short girl: I would make a really awkward stripper.
Taller girl: Ummm... What?
Short girl: No, seriously! Like, think about it -- if I was up there stripping, I would be like half the size of all the other girls... My head would be in the same spot as their, you know... And that's awkward.
--Bayfront, Hamilton, Ontario, Canadia
I Keep Waiting for Them to Slip up and Not Consider Something, Man, but They Never Do!
Stoner #1: Man I love NPR. That All Things Considered shit is so freaking good.
Stoner #2: I know, right? It's like they don't not consider anything.
Stoner #3: Ummm... Yeah, it's exactly like that.
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That little broad
The Sun Finally Finished with That Chick
White muscle head to black muscle head friend: Hey, bro! You got tan! How'd you do that?
--Robert Moses State Park, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Cara
Anyway, All Those Asian Countries Look Alike
Chick #1: So, where are you going for your trip?
Chick #2: Thailand!
Chick #1: Cool! I worked with a guy from Korea once!
Chick #2: Ummm, yeah, that's not the same, really.
Chick #1: It's not? Oh... Things must be different now than from when he lived there.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: American Goods
In Fact, I'll Just Tell People at Yoga Class I Read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Ditz #1: I would love to be a Buddhist.
Ditz #2: Yeah, it's really spiritual.
Ditz #1: Yeah, all the meditating and stuff...
Ditz #2: Yeah...
Ditz #1: ... But not a full Buddhist -- that would be boring.
Ditz #2: Yeah, just do it for the yoga and stuff.
--Jetty Road, Glenelg, Australia
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
If the Potential Margin of Error Is More Than 20 Lbs, She Isn't Cute
Carnie kid: Yo, my friend over there thinks you're cute.
Girl: Uh... okay.
Carnie kid: He wants to guess your weight.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: carnie lover
Either That or a Fireman's Ball
Walkie-talkie guy #1: What's going on?! Why are all of the fire trucks going to the north end?
Walkie-talkie guy #2: There was probably some sort of emergency!
--Cape May, New Jersey
He Can Only be Killed with a Graphics Card Through the Heart
Wet teen boy #1, rubbing eyes: My eyes hurt.
Wet teen boy #2: From the salt?
Wet teen boy #1: Nah. I've been outside for two days. They're used to video game light only.
--Bradley Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: long time mom
So My Strategy is to Throw Money at It and Run Away as Fast as I Can
Walker #1: So I think I am going to train for the LA marathon.
Walker #2: Really? What's the cause?
Walker #1: Well, it's for AIDS. Not that I have AIDS, nor know anyone who does.
Walker #2: Yeah, well, we all know AIDS is bad.
--Olympic & La Cienega Park, Los Angeles, California
Seventeen is Impressive, Yet Believable. 20 is Just Silly
Boy #1: Are you gonna use your real age or your fake age?
Boy #2: I'm gonna say I'm 20.
Boy #1: Fuck that! I'm saying 17.
Boy #3: I'm so wasted I can hardly ride my bike.
--Foster Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Beach Comber
She Needs to Go to a PFLAG Meeting
Mom hands little boy a hot dog.
Little boy: Oh, thank you, Lord!
Mother: I am not the Lord!
Little Boy: Well, thanks, Mom.
Mother: I hate you.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Sitting nearby, LOLing.
The Fertility Clinic's New Mascot Fails to Resonate with Focus Groups
Hipster chick: That sperm dude is so anal.
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: excellent
This Pick-Up Line Works Better with His Own Sex
Duke guy: Have you read Rebecca?
Duke girl: Of Sunnybrook Farm?
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Girls Have Always Put up with a Lot of Shit from Boys
Guy #1: Dude, but she is so annoying.
Guy #2: Yeah I know what you mean, but what else can you do?
Guy #1: I dunno, dude, but I'm not gonna take a shit on her. That's freaking weird! I'm not into that!
Guy #2: Yeah, I guess.
--Manasquan Inlet Beach, New Jersey
I Don't Know -- Last Night You Said the Same Thing about Vomiting
Girl: We have to start drinking. It's the only thing that will make us feel normal.
--Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: Amy
All the Good Indentured Servitude Positions Have Been Outsourced to India
American girl #1: You know what I want to get while I'm here in India? A Sherpa. That would be so cool.
American girl #2: What's a Sherpa?
American girl #1: It's, like, a people endemic to the Himalayas. You can buy one, and they carry your stuff for you.
American girl #2: Oooh, that sounds nice!
--Goa, India
Overheard by: Wish I were Canadian
You'd Still Have a Hard Time Scoring
Anorexic girl: I wish I had AIDS. I hear you lose a lot of weight that way.
--San Francisco, California
Overheard by: so not PC
That's When Atlantic City Empties Its Septic Tanks
Little girl: Mom, the water is cold.
Mom: Well, honey, it's only August. When we come back in September, the water will be much much warmer.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
I Concur! Can You Fathom or Even Credit His Total Aphasia?
Teen #1: So he's like, "nuh uh," and I'm like, "uh huh," and he's like, "nuh uh," and I'm like, "um... uh huh," and he's like, "nuh uh."
Teen #2: No way!
Teen #1: Way.
--Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Translater Please!
And That's How Johnny Cash Got the Idea for 'Delia's Gone'
Little sister: Bury me! Bury me!
Big brother: No, I can't marry you. That'd be disgusting.
Little sister: BURY me!
Big brother: No, no, I can't marry you! Stop it!
Little sister: I said BURY me, stupid!
--Orchard Beach, New York
Overheard by: Anais Borg-Marks
Gidget Goes Commutative
Chick: Fifteen hundred isn't a lot. That's like a thousand... and five hundred.
--Good Harbor Beach, Gloucester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Alexis
Like Douching While Watching Brad Pitt Strip
Girl #1: Great, now we can't go swimming.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: 'Cause it's raining. That'd be, like, double wet.
Girl #2: Oh.
--Ocean Grove Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Alex
In the Ass
Sorority girl: He's fucking GAY! How the fuck am I supposed to fuck a fucking gay guy?!
--Galveston, Texas
That was a Platonic Blow Job
JAP #1: So yeah, Aaron* and Rachel* hooked up last night.
JAP #2: Oh my god! What a fucking slut!
JAP #1: Didn't you and Rachel give Aaron a blow job last week, at the same time?
JAP #2: Yeah, so... Your point?
JAP #1: Oh, nevermind... Just wanted to know what you thought was slutty and what wasn't.
--Boca Beach Club, Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: glad i picked the boca hotel to stay at..
He'll Go Far with Talent Like That
Little boy #1: It's my turn to use the boogie board! Mom said you have to share!
Little boy #2: Oh yeah? Well, too bad, 'cause I'm not gonna share!
Little boy #1: Oh yeah? Well, I just peed in your wetsuit!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: RPLB 2000
Hanging Ten (Inches)
Girl: They look so much bigger when you're on your knees!... Um, I meant the waves.
--Loon Point, Summerland, California
Overheard by: likes big waves
Tie Goes to the Hungriest
Thin little girl: Let me see it! Let me see it!
Fat little girl: No! MY dead fish!
--Lake Erie, Monroe, Michigan
Overheard by: sandra g
The Pause was to Think about It
Teen boy: Yo, you're hot. How old are you?
Girl: Eleven. But I'm turning twelve in three days.
Teen boy: ... Bye.
--Emerald Isle, North Carolina
Can I Play with Them?
Young boy, to buxom woman: Are those balls in your bathing suit?
--Reservoir, Arlington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TC Ledger
Right Next to the Vagel and Cream Cheese
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! I can see...
MILF, rummaging in beach bag: Calm down, sweetie. Take a deep breath and tell me exactly what you see.
Little girl: I can see... your... bagina.
--Penscola Beach, Florida
I Have to Tell You, I Don't See a Downside to Any of That
Perv #1: Dude, check out that girl!
Perv #2: Which one?
Perv #1: Over there, in the yellow suit!
Perv #2: What? She can't be more than twelve!
Perv #1: Dude, I would totally do her!
Perv #2: You need help, man. She doesn't even have tits.
Perv #1: I'm not a titty man.
Perv #2: Yeah, well, your boyfriend in prison will be glad to hear that.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Steve
Little Guilty Knowledge There, Bro?
Tween in one-piece: Amber's parents let her wear a bikini.
Dad: But her parents love her.
Teen brother: No, they don't. She's just a 10-year-old slut.
--Lake Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canadia
Overheard by: Jenny
I Admire His Persistence, But I Am Beginning to Chafe
Asian girl: He fell in my hole and won't get out!
--Long Beach, New York
You Mean Emo? Because That's Not Rock
Dude: I'm looking for a rock that represents me.
--Sandy Neck Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Katherine
Somehow That Makes It Much Worse
Tween boy #1: Dude, I'm gonna cleave the beaver.
Tween boy #2: When?
Tween boy #1: Tonight.
Tween boy #2: Sweet. You'll have to tell me how the beaver tastes.
Passerby: Do you even know what a beaver is?
Tween boy #2: Yeah, it's an animal, stupid.
--Beaver Island State Park, Grand Island, New York
God: Who Are You Kidding? I Get This Stuff at Costco
Girl: It's so nice out today. I love natural wind.
--Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Lindsay
Last Summer She Tried to Get Hawaii to Come About
Woman: Excuse me, is that Catalina?
Man: No, Catalina is over there.
Woman: Oh, well, what island is that?
Man: Um, that's a ship.
--Palos Verdes, California
And Beginning to Regret the Decision to Have Children Late in Life
Child: Mommy, how old are you?
Mother: I am forty.
Child: [counting on fingers] Jeez, Mommy, you're running out of numbers.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
No, that was Tokyo -- Tampa is 'Dirty Sanchezes'
Guy #1: Oh, shit, I just realized we're in Tampa!
Guy #2: So?
Guy #1: Tampa!
Guy #2: Oh, bukkake, right?
--St. Petersburg Beach, Florida
In the Same Way That Televangelists Heal
Little boy: Mom, Jewish people are from the desert, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Little boy: So why are they in Miami?
Mom: The beach is like a desert -- with water, though.
Little boy: Oh. What about black people?
Mom: Sweetie, they're just tan. They're all just tan. Now go play. [pause] It's like I'm healing the world.
--Miami, Florida
I Hear That AIDS You in Your Pursuit of Contraception
Guy #1: Eh, to be honest, with as much as I've been laid, I've probably got a kid somewhere.
Guy #2: You need to practice safe sex. Put it in her pooper.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: Walking by in disbelief
What About the Facial You Can Just Wipe Off?
Tan chick: But if we go to the spa, I don't want them to facial my tan away!
--Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: hb
Oh, Yes, Roger, Never Have I Seen a Bigger Logical Fallacy!
Ugly teen girl: Don't compromise your morals! That's the thing about debate camp. It makes people attractive that you wouldn't normally find attractive.
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: glad I chose soccer camp
Time to Install More RAM
Jock #1: Woah! I am so down for some volleyball!
Jock #2: Bocce ball!
Jock #1: Bocce is huge.
Jock #2: Man, I feel like a kid in a candy store... Yo, I am so into this bocce ball.
Jock #1: Bocce is huge.
--Dr. Gravity's Kite Shop, Harwichport, Massachusetts
Overheard by: jon wazoo
To Prove a Point: It's Polite to Swallow, Miss Fastidious
Skinny girl: Yeah, but why does he always have to spit on me afterwards?
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Overheard by: Grossed Out
I Hoped Your Father Would Tell You About This
Child: Mommy, do the fish come from the ocean or the country club?
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
You Don't Need Sunblock in There -- It's Dark
Girl, wearing lifeguard swimsuit and applying sunblock: Do my hole... NO! My back hole!
--Sacandaga Lake, New York
Overheard by: sherpa
I Bring Disease, Brutality, and Catholicism Wherever I Go
Trucker: Well, it's a Mercury Sable, but that really doesn't matter. It's essential that you call me El Conquistador.
--Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: Just trying to keep in touch with the rest
Yes, It's Important That They Be Well Educated
Jock: Don't diabetics have to check their pH level?
--Long Beach, New York
If the Rest of It Exhibits the Same Level of Creativity, Then No
Dude #1: You know, that guy we call Ass.
Dude #2: You call the guy Ass? Why?
Dude #1: Because he smells like ass. Do you want to hear the rest of my story or not?
--Plum Island, Massachusetts
Lazy Fat-Asses
Teen girl: Do sea lions swim?
Mom: No, they ride boats.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: just wanted to take a look at SEA LIONS
First They Blow You Up, Then They Patch You Up
Teen: What's Hezbollah?
Dad: Well, it's hard to explain. They're a terrorist paramilitary organization, but they're also a humanitarian social services organization. They're sort of like the Super Wal-Mart of the Middle East.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Social Darwinism: Coming Soon to a Street Near You
Girl #1: Why the hell isn't he going? We have to get someplace too!
Girl #2: It's probably a parent.
Girl #1: Yeah, those parents are always looking out for kids' safety. I am so not going to be one of those parents. And I will never have one of those Please Drive Slowly bullshit signs in my yard.
Girl #2: Yeah, if you don't want me to hit your kid, keep him out of the goddamned street.
--Booth Lake, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Sarah
Doctors Surgically Removed Her Husband
Woman: It wasn't a boob reduction. It was a boob elimination. You know, a man-sectomy.
--Warren Dunes, Lake Michigan
Overheard by: Andrea
Poseidon Kicked His Ass at Grand Theft Auto
Little boy, standing in water: I CHALLENGE YOU, POSEIDON!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Lessons in Tolerance
Vendor: Hey, buy some pizza!
Chick: I don't like bread.
Vendor: Then just eat the cheese!
Chick: I'm lactose-intolerant.
Vendor: Fro-zen yo-gurt!
--Venice Beach, California
It's Not the Content But the Style That Suggests This Kid Has a Future in Musical Theater
Small boy, carrying bag: Fudge! The wonderful joy of fudge!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Makes Sense -- Gold Is $627 an Ounce, But Snow's a Cool Grand
Dude #1: Dude, why on earth do you keep fucking her if you think she's so disgusting? Is her pussy, like, made of gold or something?
Dude #2: No, her pussy's made of cocaine.
--San Francisco, California
Pfff! I Saw That Show -- It's All 'You Know What the Difference Between Aquatic and Land Mammals Is?'
Tourist lady: Do you know when the dolphin show is?
Lifeguard: Uh, yeah, I think the truck just came with all the dolphins in it... should be in about half an hour.
Tourist lady: Oh, great! Thank you.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
Mob Enforcers Start Training Early
Little boy: Mom, who can I bury in the sand?
Mom: Bury yuh fathuh. Start wit' his mouth.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
There's a Pipe Leading Directly from the Urinal to the Water
Girl: Oh my God! This water is really cold, can you turn the heater up?
Lifeguard, returning from locker room: There you go, it should be better now.
Girl: Hey, this really does feel warmer. Thanks, lifeguard!
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Marc Wiley
Once You Commit to Pretending You're a Dog, All Other Concerns Become Pretty Trivial
Woman: Do you think Otto* will get a complex because everyone always says "good dog" to him?
Man: I don't think he cares.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: downtown
I'll Ask God If We Can Borrow His Wet-Dry Vac
Tourist, walking on boardwalk at high tide: They really have to do something about this water problem.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
No, It's Actually for Vacationers Who Need a Change of Pace
Teen tourist: Oh my God, there's a high school over there! Wait, does that mean people actually live here? I thought it was just a tourist place. Weird.
--Aruba
And Ladies Refer to It as 'Down Under'
Girl: Mummy, do you have a hairy pee?
Mummy: Make sure you never ask that again, especially when we have guests over for dinner.
--Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: ohgodhaha
Because Then Who Would Guard Our Ice Cream While We Stole New Towels?
Girl: I hope nobody stole our towels while we were stealing ice cream.
--Melbourne Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ali and Livi
David Lynch's Dune: The Director's Cut
Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don't want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
Only Kidding, Pookie - I Love Your Soft Little Vienna Sausage
Salesman: Gringo, gringo. Mexican wrestling mask, Nacho Libre!
Guy: No, dude, sorry. I already bought two today.
Salesman: Señorita, one for you?
Girl: Um, no, thanks.
Salesman: Come on... it will be something different for tonight!
Girl: If I wanted something different, we'd be at the farmacia buying Cialis.
--Puerto Nuevo, Mexico
Mommy Told Her All about the Postman When She was Seven
Guy #1: Nice tie.
Guy #2: Yeah, I got it from a relative.
Little girl: No, you didn't, Daddy. You got it from me.
--White Rock Beach, British Columbia, Canadia
Overheard by: Dan-Mission, B.C.
Muscles Show You've Done Something Today Besides Be Waited On
Aristocrat: Muscles are trashy.
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Spencer
Uh, Because He Did That Porno After High School
Teen girl #1: Why the hell are we here?
Teen girl #2: Because we have nothing better to do.
Teen girl #1: Wait... why didn't we call that guy who did that porno after high school? He'll do us both.
--Ashwaubomay Lake, Ashwaubenon, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Lacy Magnolia
His Girlfriend Has It Mo-We-Fr, Her Sister Tu-Th, and They Alternate Weekends
Dude #1: I wish she would just forgive me already. It's been over a month.
Dude #2: Dude, you went down on her sister!
Dude #1: Well, yeah, exactly. It's like the same pussy, right?
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Beer! Why Didn't I Think of That?
Guy #1: Look at that girl over there! Now if that isn't hot, I don't know what is.
Guy #2: Don't even dream about it! She's at least a nine.
Guy #1: Well, then, I'll just go over and talk to her, and when we start making out, you can cry yourself to sleep.
A guy with a beer walks over and kisses her.
Guy #1: Well played, sir.
--Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York
If the Goddess of Love Isn't Bisexual, Who Is?
Girl #1: And that's when I realized that bisexual and aphrodite are the same thing!
Girl #2: You mean hermaphrodite?
Girl #1: Yeah!
Girl #2: You're an idiot.
--Long Beach, New York
You Mean 'Danger' in Your Vagina... And How Did You Know I Called It That?
Girl on cell: Sure, we can get together tonight... that sounds good... I won't do that! Are you TRYING to put my vagina in danger?
--Rockaway Beach, Brooklyn, New York
If My Slut License Didn't Say I Have To
Guy #1: She told me that she wants to see other people.
Guy #2: You're taking this all the wrong way. Now, you can nail that slut over there and she can't be mad at you when you get back together!
Slut: I would never have you.
--Long Beach, New York
You Put that Soul Back Where You Got It, Young Man!
Little boy #1: You can't do it.
Little boy #2: Yes, I can.
Little boy #1: Fine! Steal my soul.
Little boy #2: Don't underestimate my powers.
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
She Got Some Dead Girl's Old Breast Implants
Waiter to customer: Sir, you just missed her. She looks hotter. She just got a transplant.
--South Padre Island, Texas
The Pink Sombrero was Both a Clue and a Red Herring
Teen girl #1: Was he gay?
Teen girl #2: No, he was Mexican.
--Lavallette, New Jersey
They Have Strong Feelings of Self-Loathing
Teen girl #1: God, I hate when people bring their cell phones to the beach.
Teen girl #2: I have my cell phone at the beach right now.
Teen girl #1: Me too.
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
No, You Should Have Ruled Him Out When I Said Yes to 'Is It a Human Being?'
Teen #1: Is he white?
Teen #2: Yes.
Teen #1: ...Wait, does that count Michael Jackson?
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Nine Months of Hell at Least Earns You Exclusive Kicking Rights
Little girl: Who would kick someone else's kid?!
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
But Don't Tell Him About the Time We Fucked!
Chick #1: You were a complete whore last night.
Chick #2: Look who's talking! Do I have to mention the time you let Derek go down on you?
Chick #1: Bitch! That guy over there can hear you!
Chick #2: So what?
Chick #1: Listen to how you're talking about me and my brother. He's gonna think I'm a complete skank!
Chick #2: I said Derek. He didn't know who the fuck Derek was until you opened your fuckin' mouth.
Chick #1: Uh, yeah, I guess you're right...
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That guy over there
This Must Be Some New Sausage-Eating Technique I'm Unaware Of
Son: These are pretty good.
Dad: Yeah, they're not bad if you soak them in your mouth like sausage.
--Nauset Light Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith
GI Jane Gets Edited For Lifetime
American girl, looking at girl with shaved head: Oh my God, I feel soo bad for her.
American friend #1: 'Cause she has cancer?
American friend #2: Or she's a dyke.
American girl: Either way, it sucks!
--Herzliya Beach, Herzliya, Israel
Christ Returns in the Form of an Idiot, to Test the Compassion of the Modern Beach-Goer
Tourist: Excuse me, are we at the right beach?
Local: Umm...
Tourist: We want to go to the beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.
Local: It's right there.
Tourist: Where?
Local: Why am I talking to you again?
--San Francisco, California
Both... Neither... Whatever Turns You on, Kid
Little boy: Was that lady a 'he' or a 'she'?
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
Predator UAV Designers: 'Eeeexcellent!'
Fat guy: Oh boy, that plane looks just like a seagull. You'd never see it coming! Oh wait, that is a seagull.
--Air show, Lake Michigan
Overheard by: Steve W
It's Actually Her Roommate in a JonBenet Costume
College girl: Stop hitting on the nine-year-old, and let's leave!
--Grand Bend, Ontario, Canadia
That's As Much As I'm Cleared to Tell You At This Juncture
Tourist: Hey, the water is coming up really high.
Local: Yeah, it's definitely a high tide today.
Tourist: How come it does that? I mean, what makes the water come up so high?
Local: Well, let's just say it has a lot to do with the moon.
--Pismo-Oceano Dunes, California
Overheard by: janie
Let's Start With 150 and See What Happens
Old guy on oxygen: So, how many more beers can I have??
--Sandbridge, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
Do You Expect Me to Take This Shit From You?
Male beach-goer #1: Wait, how did I get stuck carrying the poop?
Male beach-goer #2: You didn't.
Male beach-goer #1: Isn't the poop in this bag?
Male beach-goer #2: Ok, yes, technically speaking, you're carrying the poop.
Male beach-goer #1: Oh my God! No one's ever said that to me before.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Poopfactory
Your Grandfather and I Turned Out Okay
Grandmother: So you're not in a fight anymore?
Little boy, hugging little girl: We're gettting married!
Grandmother: But you're cousins.
Little boy: No, I mean when we're older.
Grandmother: But you'll still be...Never mind.
--Ortley Beach, New Jersey
Her Sister Has Always Had an Inflated Opinion of Her
Boy: So you go out a lot?
Girl: Yeah. My sister thinks I'm a druggy, but I'm like, "Sure I take drugs a lot, but that doesn't make me a druggy."
--Beach in Australia
A Place and a Mental Defect
Woman #1: Is that a dead seal in the water?
Woman #2: Are you Canadian or just stupid?
Woman #1: I'm Canadian.
--Key West, Florida
Overheard by: uarerude