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Sniffling, Leroy Cut the Cards
Seven-year-old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It's time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear -- I'm starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].
--21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland
That Makes Sense; I Never Jerk Off on Bad Hair Days
Man: Get rid of your mustache, and then worry about the Brazilian.
Woman: Get some hair on your head, and then go fuck yourself.
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mike
American-Flag Speedos Are Never Okay
Tall guy to sweaty friend: Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but you are wrong.
--Rosarito, Mexico
Overheard by: KJ
So Much for the 'Little Black Dress You Can Wear Anywhere'
Angry Texan guy being turned away at door: Pants? Pants? Who brings pants to Mexico?
--Formal restaurant, Cancun, Mexico
Overheard by: sheila
I Mean, I'm Not Some Kind of Pervert
Guy: Look, Jen -- I'll fuck you, I'll spank you, I'll tie you up, and I'll piss on you, but I am not getting back into a relationship with you.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
What Would It Cost to Rent It?
40-something guy: So, what do you do for a living?
Chick in bikini: Oh, I have a long list of things...
40-something guy: Stripper?
Chick in bikini, hardly offended: Do I look like I have the body of a stripper?
40-something guy: That's why I asked.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Something I Probably Would Never Do in Front of You
Boyfriend to girlfriend's underage sister: Want a beer? [Girlfriend and little sister stare at him.] What? It's not like I asked her to blow me.
--Treasure Island Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sara
No, Our Mics Picked That Up Fine
Fat guy to wife who's sunbathing on her stomach: Wow. You need to shave -- you got some wild, stray hairs back there.
Wife: Say it louder, asshole.
--Rosemary Beach, Florida
Overheard by: She's still hotter than you, pal
Come on, Mary, He Follows You Everywhere Just Like that Damn Lamb Did!
Dude to girlfriend buying him lunch: You know, you could be bangin' if you'd just lose that fat ass!
--North Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Calm Down, Feminists, He's Just Tara's Plastic Surgeon
Guy to friend: If they're not Tara Reid, I don't want to see their tits.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
No, Just My Mom
Dude: Hey, where do you girls go for fun? [They ignore him.] You're just gonna ignore me? Not a 'Fuck you'? Nothing? Bitch!
Chick: You kiss your dick with that mouth?
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
Hey, You're Hot -- I'm Just Saying You're Skanky
Dude stopping intense make-out: Um, you're not gonna tell anyone about this...
Chick: What?!
Dude: Well, I mean, look at you...
Chick: I'm going to tell your mom about this.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Mik
She Needs to Go to a PFLAG Meeting
Mom hands little boy a hot dog.
Little boy: Oh, thank you, Lord!
Mother: I am not the Lord!
Little Boy: Well, thanks, Mom.
Mother: I hate you.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Sitting nearby, LOLing.
From The Big Book of Clumsy Pick-Up Lines
Girl #1, approaching girl #2: Um, you should work on your self-esteem more.
Girl #2: What? Who are you?
Girl #1: Take your shorts off. You're gonna get an ugly tan line.
Girl #2: I'm okay with that, thank you.
Girl #1: What do you care if you are fat? Love yourself!
Girl #2: Fuck off! Who asked your opinion? Who are you?
Girl #1: Hey, can I bum a cigarette?
--Topanga State Beach, Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Freaked Out By CA Chicks
So Cancer Is Just Your Body Trying to Get Back to the Womb?
Amateur oncologist: Having a baby? That's like growing a tumor with a brain inside of you.
--Good Harbor Beach, Gloucester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: concerned citizens
But Isn't Urine Sterile?
Girl: Can you tell me why you're pissing on the sand?
Guy: We're in Jersey.
Girl: Yeah, so?
Guy: Jersey's dirty. It's your duty as an American to fuckin' keep it that way, bitch.
--Merivale Avenue, Beach Haven, New Jersey
Overheard by: Snow White
And I'm Totally Upset That Our Video Debuts on SmutLady.Com Tonight
Girlfriend: Oh my God, I totally look like Paris Hilton.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you're an overtanned, skinny skank.
Girlfriend, excitedly: I know!!
--Shelly Beach, New South Wales, Australia
And Her Dad's Probably One of the Seagulls
White trash 7 year old, chasing seagulls: Varmits! Get away, you varmits!
Man: Does she mean varmints?
Woman: She's from Indiana. That 10 year old next to her who is throwing the shovel at the seagulls is probably her mother.
--Indiana Dunes National Park
Chinese Kid: 'Phew!'
Awesome mom #1: Yeah, so they were going to adopt this baby from China, but when they saw her she was ugly and they decided not to get her.
Awesome mom #2: Oh, really? That's too bad.
--Ferry Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
When You Were Standing Watch, What Were You Watching?
Navy guy #1: Do you have beach shorts?
Gift shop employee: Yeah, over there.
Navy guy #2: This is a small. I think I need a medium.
Navy guy #1: Dude, no. Your dick is small.
--Pensacola Beach, Florida
Why There Should Be a Wall Around New Jersey
Jersey woman, to seagull: Get away, you lazy sonofabitch! Go find your own food! [to friends] Just like Mexicans.
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Dan
Shelby Went Kayaking With the Prince of Darkness and Had a Comparatively Lovely Time
Mother, loudly: Oh my God, get over here! Turn around!
Teen daughter: What! What's on me?!
Mother: A stretch mark! That's what! Right there on your hip! You have got to lay off the chips! We are on vacation here. You shouldn't be stress-eating!
Teen daughter: Mom! Shut up! People can hear you.
Mother: No, no one is listening, and besides, they can all see it, too.
Kayaking instructor: Does everyone have their life vests on? Good now I'd like you all to pair up, and for this first run we are going to pair up with someone you don't know.
Daughter: Thank God!
Mother: What?
--Bayville, New Jersey
When He's Being Nice to Me He Puts Out Cigarettes on My Arm
Guy: You look really hot in that bikini.
Girl #1: I'm not really in the mood for flirting today so why don't you just buy me a lemon ice, I'll pretend I like you, and we'll both be on our way.
Guy, as he walks away: Bitch.
Girl #2, walking up to her: Wasn't that your boyfriend?
Girl #1: Yeah. I'm so tired of him being a dick all the time.
Guy comes back with a lemon ice.
--Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Batwon
Payback's a Bitch
Saggy-drawered kid: That woman carrying shit on her head.
Mother: Boy, you ain't in Brooklyn anymore. This place different. And keep your voice down.
Saggy-drawered kid: Hell, she don't speak English. And what the hell computer boy gonna do, report me to the internet?
--Tela Beach, Honduras
Overheard by: Computer boy, I assume
What Happened to Gray, Windowless Vans?
Really loud fat lady: Fat old guys drive nice cars to get with the young pretty girls.
--Public parking lot, Seaside, Oregon
Overheard by: Drewlicious
He'll Find Out about It Online Eventually
Drunk mother #1: I met him at a bar. He looked like George Clooney... But we'll see.
Drunk mother #2: Wait, aren't you dating someone?
Drunk mother #1: Not anymore. He just doesn't know it yet.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
The Ants are Always Hogging the Spots Under the Magnifying Glass
Teen boy: Ugh. This tanning oil gets so hot! Maybe it will fry off my back zits. Hey, move over, I want to lay down so the sun will burn off my back zits.
--Beach, Rhode Island
KKK Just So Stories
Little surfer kid pointing to large black lady: Look, a whale turd.
--New Symrna, Florida
