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A Cautionary Tale About Sunblock Fumes
Brunette: When's your anniversary?
Blonde: May.
Brunette: Oh, today?
Blonde: No, May.
Brunette: Oh, mine too.
Blond: When's your anniversary?
Brunette: May.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
...Since, Technically, It's Thesis Research.
Blonde girl on cell: That's not fair! Just because I want to actively pursue a sexual relationship with my thesis advisor does not mean you can call me a whore! (long pause) My boyfriend says he doesn't care.
--Los Angeles, California
Tonight's Movie: The Da Vinci Clod
Blonde: What is autism?
Brunette: Are you serious?
Blonde: Isn't that when you write upside-down?
--Tampa, Florida
...Aiight?
Scrawny brunette girl to friend: When you 'ask' someone, you have a question. When you 'axe' someone, you introduce a hatchet to their face.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
You're Thinking Of Middle School, Debbie
Spring breaker bimbette #1, about ordering drinks: And get Coco Rico, and Sex on the Beach...
Spring breaker bimbette #2, interrupting: Wait, isn't there also something called Sex in the Basement?
--Tamarindo, Costa Rica
Overheard by: one of them spoke decent Spanish, at least
I Hate People Who Have Better Tans Than I Do
Bimbette to boyfriend: So yeah, I like, went to Cabo over spring break, and there were like Mexicans everywhere! Yeah, it was horrible.
--Michigan
Honestly, Is There Any Milk in a "Milkshake?"
Bimbo #1, happily: It's so thick!
Bimbo #2, wide-eyed: Did you slap it?
Bimbo #1: No, I poked it.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Emmy
Did That Guy Seem Juiced Up to You?
Skinny, half naked black guy wearing purple booty shorts: "do you guys do drugs?"
College kids: "no..."
Black guy: "oh I do...I'm a drug addict. Yeah, I just came from a rave, there are some crazy people out there! Why are y'all sitting here in the middle of venice beach? It gets dangerous here at night!"
College kid (holding an orange): "well, I'm strapped, so..."
Black guy: "is that an orange? Can I have it?" (takes orange and walks away).
--Venice Beach
Overheard by: Keidi
Anyone Else's Bra Need a Refill?
Golden girl: Excuse me, bartender!
(harried bartender grunts at her)
Golden girl: Bartender, can I just have an ice cube please?
(harried bartender fills a cup with ice cubes and slams it down in front of her)
Golder girl: What am I supposed to do with all of these? I just wanted one to put in my bra!
--Colony Hotel, Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Becka Dash
It's Not Slutty If It's in the Name of Science
Teen girl: Of course she will get naked, she is slutty... I will get naked too, next time, but you guys respect me, right? Oh look, there's a nude dude... [Points at stranger.] Want to see if I can get him hard?
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
The "Hasselhoff Effect" in Action
Drunk man: [Bumps into girl and puts his hand around her to move her aside.] Sorry.
Girl: Eww! You're dirty!
Drunk man: C'mon, you know you like it!
Girl: Eww! [Drunk man walks away.] Call me!!
--Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: Snoog
The Lead Singer Picked Me Up in a Bar Last Night
Teen bimbette: So I heard about this new band that just came out. The lead singer is really cute... they're called The Doors.
--South California
Now That I Have This Inconvenient Infection
Teenage girl: So I've decided not to be a slut anymore.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
The Catholic Church's Last-Ditch Ad Campaign
Girl #1: Man, I think I got a yeast infection from that dude.
Girl #2: That fucking sucks.
Girl #1: Tell me about it. Getting laid is killing my sex life.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: hillary claire
And Sometimes from Places As Far-Flung As England
Bimbette: Yeah, I love that show. They show clips from all around the world like Britain and the UK and stuff.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Sarah
Focus -- We're Trashing People Here
Biotech #1: Wow. Did you see his new girlfriend over there?
Biotech #2: Yeah. She's got cottage cheese legs.
Bimbette: Really? Where is she? Is she fat?
Biotech #2: It's not that she's fat, it's just that... well... she's built like a linebacker.
Bimbette, looking in opposite direction: Hey, look -- volleyball!
--Hamburg Beach, Germany
Joe Francis's Spidey Sense Is Tingling
College girl #1: You're a total slut in college. I love it.
College girl #2: I know! I didn't get to be one in high school -- I'm making up for lost slut time.
--Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
Really More of a Fourth-Date Question
Blonde: Hey, can you look at my butt? Do I have blood on my butt?
Guy: Uh, what?
Blonde: I have my period -- I just want to make sure I don't have blood on my butt.
Guy: What? Ew.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Sarah
The Discovery Channel's "Seaweed Week" Failed to Catch On
20-ish girl to sister: I think a shark just brushed up against my foot! [Everyone nearby stares.] Oops. I think I said that a little loud. False alert, everyone -- it was just some seaweed!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Totally -- You Sound Just Like Sean Connery
Californian girl: Oh my god, I am, like, so brown now. Do you think when we go back to the hostel and put on our English accents people will, like, not know who we are?
--Lagos Beach, Portugal
... If I Can Find a Stupid Shit to Marry Me
Girl on cell: Yeah, so my dad said he wouldn't pay for college, but he would pay for my wedding, and I'd rather have a big party than study stupid shit for four years, so I'll just do that...
--Marathon, Florida
Overheard by: Nicole
And Everyone with Munchausen-by-Proxy
Brunette: Okay, now that I have your number, I'll just call you and then you'll have mine.
Blonde: Oh! It's ringing. Okay... I'm going to reject you, and then I'm going to save you... I'm just like Jesus.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
Depends Where You Kiss Them
Blonde: So can you, like, get AIDS from kissing?
Guido friend: I don't know. I think you have to share your DNA to get it.
Blonde: So, do most guys have DNA?
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by:
Wanna See Me Make It Dance?
Bikini #1: Duuude, your birthmark has gotten bigger...
Bikini #2: That's because my thigh has gotten bigger.
--The Hamptons, New York
Can't Figure 'em Out?
Bimbette: My nipples are hard.
--Wasaga Beach, Ontario, Canadia
But Possibly Guatemalish
WASP girl: I saw three of them, and they all looked the same. I think they were Mexicanese?
--Bar Harbor, Maine
Overheard by: dulcineaesq
Who Didn't, Really?
Brunette: I've always wanted a tattoo, but I don't think I'm going to get one. You can't get buried in a Jewish cemetery if you have a tattoo.
Blonde: Why would you want to get married in a Jewish cemetery?
Brunette: Not married. Buried.
Blonde: Oh... So, are you Jewish?
Brunette: Yes.
Blonde: What is it with Jews always wanting to marry other Jews?
Brunette: I guess part of it is that the Jews have been persecuted so much, so people want to make sure to perpetuate the race.
Blonde: Really? Like who? Who persecuted the Jews?
Brunette: Um... well... the Nazis.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Do They Make My Junk Look Fat?
Blonde, very loudly: You know, if I was a guy, these bikini bottoms would really cut into my balls!
--Key West, Florida
Overheard by: Anne
That's Really More of a South-of-Maryland Thing
Early-20s chick: I mean, I love my dad as a father and a friend, but, like, definitely not as a husband.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: awesome is as awesome does
We Should Taste It To Make Sure
Bimbette to friend: Hmmm, it smells like the beach...
--Surf & Stillwell Avenue, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Janelle
The Perils of Being Raised on Roseanne Reruns
Preppy college girl: I don't know -- I think it would be kind of glamorous to be poor!
--Pennfield Beach, Connecticut
Overheard by: Quirky Corky
Which Was Good, because I Didn't
Blonde: Wait, do Jewish people burn or tan?
Meathead: Well, some are pasty and some are really dark.
Blonde: Yeah, 'cause, like, she's Jewish and she gets a tan. I came into work the other day and my hair was curly, and everyone was like, 'Whoa!' But then I told them I'm half-Jewish, so they understood.
--Manchester by the Sea, Massachusetts
Overheard by: i burn and i'm not
The Tourists Would Have Fed Them, Too, and Then...
Late-20s chick #1: Don't the tourists understand the laws of seagull shitting? I mean, if they feed them, they are going to crap all over the entire beach.
Late-20s chick #2: At least the parade of Hare Krishnas has passed.
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Overheard by: unMuse
... Of Mexico. Where Margaritas Come From. Hello, in Salty Glasses?
Blonde: Why is this water, like, salty?
Brunette: Uhhh, it's sea water -- the ocean is salty.
Blonde: Yeah, but I thought this was the Gulf...
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: tourist lover
Not Smart Enough to Capitalize on Free Pussy
Bimbette looking at guy reading GRE study guide: What's that?
Guy: Huh? [Bimbette points to title.] It's a test I need to take to get my Master's. [Bimbette looks confused.] It's like the SATs for graduate school.
Bimbette: So you're, like, smart and shit. [Guy stares at her and then walks away.]
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Chicagoan in FL
So They Both Just Lie There?
Girl #1: I was talking to Jess* the other day. She's been home for a while.
Girl #2: Isn't she a lesbian now?
Girl #1: Yeah, she was with her girlfriend, Michelle, who was really nice and really hot.
Girl #2: So, Jess is like the boy, right?
Girl #1: No. They are both girls.
--St. Kilda Beach, Australia
Overheard by: one of those lesbians who dates boys
From Michael Moore's Bowling for Sea Lions
Bimbette tourist #1, about sea lions play-fighting: Oh my god, look at those seals! That big one just, like, knocked the smaller one off the wood thing!
Bimbette tourist #2: That is so mean. I hope the little one, like, kicks his ass in the end.
Local: They're just play-fighting. It's a show of dominance.
Bimbette tourist #1: But he pushed him off! He so wasn't kidding. I could tell.
Bimbette tourist #2: Seriously. God, how can you just excuse him acting like that? Not cool.
Local, muttering: Fucking tourists...
--Fisherman's Wharf, San Francisco, California
Overheard by: an amused local
What's the Word for a Fear of Teenyboppers?
Teenybopper #1: Ew, I hate wide open spaces.
Teenybopper #2: Isn't there a word for that?
Teenybopper #1: Yeah, I think it's some kind of phobia or something.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: MarilynMonBRO
The Outlaw Crotch Farmers of Australia
Girl #1, about lyrics to song: Who grows weed in their G-string?
Girl #2: That's 'hydroponics,' but I suppose it might be pretty wet down there. It's not impossible.
--Finucane Island, Australia
Latest Miracle Ear Ad Campaign Goes "Street"
Girl #1: Oh my god, look at all the palm trees!
Girl #2: Shhh! Don't say 'papis'!
Girl #1: What? Cock tease?
--San Juan, Puerto Rico
Overheard by: jersey represent
Let's Just Go to the Beach, Okay?
Girl #1: I'm glad we aren't having earthquakes here like back in Cali.
Girl #2: It would suck coming over to Maui and then having an earthquake here.
Girl #1: Hey, can you feel an earthquake in a plane?
Girl #2: Um...
--Kihei, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Darcy
Also the Idea behind Lifesavers Candy
Girl #1, whispering: Oh my god, I'm choking on this macaroni.
Girl 2: Then how are you talking?
Girl 1: The macaroni is stuck in my throat straight up, and I'm breathing through the hole in the noodle.
Girl 2: Ohhh, that makes sense.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jenny
Shark: This Job Just Keeps Getting Harder
Blonde: Oh my god, I've been watching 'Shark Week' on TV, and this guy got his hand bitten off. It was crazy! It was a show about survivors, and they showed the scars and everything!
Brunette: That is crazy. I don't know how I'd live without my hands. I'd rather have the shark bite off my arm.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Steve
And Then She Loses Jewelry!
Girl to friend: Oh my god, the Titanic was so sad. Her true love is poor, and then he dies.
--Crane Beach, Massachusetts
... And the Losers Will Don Suicide Belts
Bimbette announcer during Miss Hampton Beach pageant: ... And now our auditor will talibate the results...
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Annette
A Scene That Had to Be Cut from Shrek
Tan chick on towel: So, I was like, 'And what about the donkeys? Like, do they enjoy sex like we do?'
Pale fat chick next to her: I would guess so. I mean, I had a friend who sucked one off one time, so why not?
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: ...what?
There's No Such Direction
Blonde walking on pier: I am not ditzy! Ask me a question.
Brunette: Uh, which way is West?
Blonde: That's a trick question.
--Huntington Beach, California
Well, It's Nighttime There Now, So I'm Not Sure
Dude: I have a dog at home, too -- it's a golden retriever.
Australian chick: Really? What color is it?
--Boracay Island, Philippines
Overheard by: Kiteboarder
Some Carousels Are More Intense Than Others
Girl: I would have stayed on longer, but my swimsuit was on one ankle!
--Madison Lake, Minnesota
... I Got Better
Beach bunny #1: I totally slept with Brandon last night.
Beach bunny #2: How was it?
Beach bunny #1: Awesome. He was so fucking huge he, like, broke my vagina.
Beach bunny #2: Damn. That's saying a lot.
Beach bunny #1, happily: I know! I'm a total whore!
--Del Mar Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Brandon stole my girlfriend
You Really Get to Know Someone after Five Years of Marriage
Bimbette: I thought he was a paraplegic, but it turned out he was just lazy.
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Patricia
Other Than That, Just Vegged Out in My Sweats. Boooring!
Chick #1: So, what happened to you last night?
Chick #2: Um, I died.
--The Coffeehouse, Manteo, North Carolina
Knowledge Just Interferes with the Wonder of It All
Chick #1: You can see Venezuela on a clear day from here.
Chick #2: Really?! I would love to go to Venezuela -- I hear it's a really nice island.
Chick #1: Um... Island as in South America...?
Chick #2: It's right off of South America, right?
Chick #1: I guess you should have paid attention in geography class.
Chick #2: What does math have to do with it?
--Aruba
Overheard by: Erin from New York
If No Elevator Is Available, I'd Like to Be Carried on a Litter
Puerto Rican princess: Hey! Hey, you - Mr. Captain or whatever.
Steward: Yes, ma'am?
Puerto Rican princess: Does this elevator go to the front of the ship?
Steward: Excuse me?
Puerto Rican princess: Where is the elevator that goes to the front of the ship?
Random passenger: Someone throw her overboard now and put her out of my misery.
--Caribbean Cruise, Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: also waiting for elevator
Tell Me Again Why There's No 13 O'Clock?
Blonde: Hey, what time is it?
Redhead: Real time or pretend time?
Blonde: You told me you changed your phone over already, so just tell me what it says!
Redhead: 4:03.
Blonde: So it's only three o'clock in my head still...
Redhead: I offered to tell you pretend time!
Blonde: But I wanted to do the math myself!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jenn
Like Dragons?
Girl #1: Rhinos have two horns.
Girl #2: I thought they had one, like a unicorn.
Girl #3: Aren't unicorns extinct?
--Kenai, Alaska
"Summer Lovin" from Grease, in a Nutshell
Bikini #1: And?
Bikini #2: And what?
Bikini #1: And what happened?
Bikini #2: We had sex.
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Ggary
If You Were to Fill a Hat with Ice Cream...
Blonde: If you could be any flavor of ice cream, what would you be?
Redhead: Um...
Blonde: Well, you are what you eat. You can be monkey fudge!
Redhead: What?!
Blonde: Oh, wait, I mean Chunky Monkey. I'm making fun of your husband!
Redhead: You know, I'm the one drinking here.
Blonde: If you were any hat, what would you be?
Redhead: No.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jenn
I Just Have a Feeling for Language
Bimbette #1: I can't believe you're trying to learn Spanish just so you can hook up with that waiter.
Bimbette #2: [Mutters in Spanish.]
Bimbette #1: What are you trying to say?
Bimbette #2: My eyes are brown.
Bimbette #1: You just said my eyes are a Muslim religion!
--Rocky Point, Mexico
Overheard by: oh my
She Must Be Who They Have in Mind When They Say 99% Effective
Teen #1 looking down at bikini top: [Sighs] I wish my boobs were bigger. I can't wait until one day when I'm pregnant -- then they'll grow.
Teen #2: Why don't you go on birth control? That made Jen's* and Michelle's* get a whole cup bigger.
Teen #3: Yeah, Kelly's*, too.
Teen #1: Really?! Oh, man! I'm gonna go on birth control and get knocked up. Then they'd be huge!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: CAT
Oh, Right, the Money and the 10-inch Cock
Chick on cell: Yeah, don't you wash your hands after you go to the bathroom? Ewww, why am I dating you?
--Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: hannie bananie
The Dynamic behind American TV
Bimbette #1: I'm so bored.
Bimbette #2: Me, too.
Bimbette #1: I would eat my own hand just for some fun.
--North Sea, Holland
Anybody Still Worried about the Focus on Dead White Europeans in Schools?
Girl #1: We can go see the Kula botanical gardens.
Girl #2: Where on the island is it?
Girl #1, reading guidebook section: It's in flora and fauna -- I don't know where that is.
Girl #2: Um... Flora and fauna means plants and animals, it isn't a place on the map.
Girl #1: Well, I don't speak Hawaiian so how was I supposed to know?
--Kihei, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: ispeakhawaiian
Those Bastards!
Blonde: Why is the water so much saltier on this coast? They really need to stop putting all their extra salt in the water.
Dude: Extra salt?
Blonde: Yeah, isn't that what the government does -- just dumps the barrels of extra salt into the water?
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kristin
Oh, Jessica, and Just When You'd Mastered That 'Chicken of the Sea' Thing
Woman: I'm starving! Let's go get something at Burger King.
Friend: So am I. Hey, did you know that Burger King sells veggie burgers? I just found that out the other day.
Woman: Really? Veggie burgers? What do they use? Like, turkey?
--Panama City Beach, Florida
What? I'm Trying to Seem Interested
Girl #1: Hey, did you hear that the US population just went up to 300 million? Isn't that crazy?!
Girl #2: Yeah, it is! What was it before?
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
English Majors on Vacation
Sunbathing coed: Action, action, I need action! A-C...
Helpful friend: S-H-O-N.
Together: Action!
--Carnival Imagination cruise ship
No Wet Bar. Can You Believe It?
Blonde: ... So as soon as we got home from spring break I told my boyfriend that I had sex with Brad on the beach.
Friend: Oh my gosh! What did your boyfriend do?!
Blonde: He said, 'I guess we're not riding in Brad's limo for prom.'
Friend: What's wrong with Brad's limo?!
--St. Augustine beach, Florida
Just When You Were Sure Those Laguna Beach Kids Were Actors...
Girl: We need to date boys who are smart and rich. Our boyfriends are stupid and poor and don't even have the same wireless provider as us.
--Laguna Beach, California
It's Made of Corn Starch
Girlfriend: Oh my god, I am so hot!
Boyfriend: Then go in the water and cool off.
Girlfriend: I can't! This bikini is dry clean only!
--Long Island, New York
Overheard by: carenexplainsitall
And Then They Can Trade
Girl waiting for busy elevator: I hate this elevator! It always takes so long. They should just make one go up and the other go down.
--Atlantic Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Smithra
You're Thinking of Golf Courses
Lady #1: You can take that dog on board?
Lady #2: Sure, but he has to be small enough to fit under the seat in front of you. And you have to pay 75 dollars for each leg.
Lady #1: 75 dollars for each leg of the dog?!
--Tampa airport, Florida
And with That Attitude, You Never Will
Girl #1: So anyway, when me and Dale went shopping last night--
Girl #2: --No! 'Dale and I'...
Girl #1: ... No, you didn't come.
--Hotel, Sydney, Australia
The Answer Is Sedimentary, My Dear Watson
Bimbette looking up at cliff face: Hey, do rocks eat other rocks?
Guy: ... Huh?
Bimbette: Do rocks eat other rocks? You know, so that they can grow into bigger rocks...
Guy: Are you serious? No, rocks do not eat other rocks.
Bimbette: Then, like... How do they get bigger?
Guy: [Silence.]
Bimbette: Like, what do they eat?
--Merewether Beach, Newcastle, Australia
Unless It Involves Spirit Fingers...
Pilot on PA: We'll be making our final descent to Oahu International Airport shortly.
Blonde cheerleader: Oh my god! I thought we were going to Honolulu!
9-year-old boy nearby: Honolulu is the city on Oahu, you idiot.
Blonde cheerleader: Oh... Well, how am I supposed to know that?
--Plane to Hawaii
Overheard by: Derek
Einstein on the Beach
Bimbette: You know what I like?
Brother: ...What?
Bimbette: No, I don't know, I was asking. Like, for serious.
--Kiawah Island Resort, Charleston, South Carolina
Overheard by: hannah
On Landlines, Mostly
Ditzy chick: What are you doing today?
Skater kid: Chillin' like a villain.
Other girl: The '90s called - they want 'Chillin' like a villain' back.
Ditzy chick: How do the '90s call?
--Ventnor, New Jersey
Ehhh... about Six Inches
Blonde teen to hot dog vendor: How long are your foot-long hot dogs?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Hungry-Man-on-the-Beach
Think We Should Fly South with the Flock?
Bimbette to friend: Why is it so cold? It's a beach!
Passerby: Yeah, a beach in November... Dipshit.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: dr. obvious
Her Tat Actually Says 'Stay the Hell Out'
Dude #1: I bet I can make Jill* show us her cooter right here on the beach.
Dude #2: No way.
Dude #1: Twenty bucks says I can.
Dude #2: You're on.
Dude #1: Hey, Jill, I hear you have a tattoo above your vagina that says 'Come on in.'
Jill: What?! What kind of skank do you think I am?
Dude #1: Well, I don't. That's what I heard.
Jill: Okay, I'll show you when we get back to the room.
Dude #1: You'll forget. Do it now. No one's watching. [Jill lowers her bikini bottom.] I'm going to tell that person to stop telling lies about you.
--Destin, Florida
But You Had a Kid, Mary!
Bitchy friend: ... So then we took a vote, and you're the biggest slut out of all of us.
Girl: But I'm the only virgin.
Bitchy friend: We know.
--Kingston Beach, Washington
In Fact, I'll Just Tell People at Yoga Class I Read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
Ditz #1: I would love to be a Buddhist.
Ditz #2: Yeah, it's really spiritual.
Ditz #1: Yeah, all the meditating and stuff...
Ditz #2: Yeah...
Ditz #1: ... But not a full Buddhist -- that would be boring.
Ditz #2: Yeah, just do it for the yoga and stuff.
--Jetty Road, Glenelg, Australia
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
That was a Platonic Blow Job
JAP #1: So yeah, Aaron* and Rachel* hooked up last night.
JAP #2: Oh my god! What a fucking slut!
JAP #1: Didn't you and Rachel give Aaron a blow job last week, at the same time?
JAP #2: Yeah, so... Your point?
JAP #1: Oh, nevermind... Just wanted to know what you thought was slutty and what wasn't.
--Boca Beach Club, Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: glad i picked the boca hotel to stay at..
But Don't Tell Him About the Time We Fucked!
Chick #1: You were a complete whore last night.
Chick #2: Look who's talking! Do I have to mention the time you let Derek go down on you?
Chick #1: Bitch! That guy over there can hear you!
Chick #2: So what?
Chick #1: Listen to how you're talking about me and my brother. He's gonna think I'm a complete skank!
Chick #2: I said Derek. He didn't know who the fuck Derek was until you opened your fuckin' mouth.
Chick #1: Uh, yeah, I guess you're right...
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: That guy over there
Maybe Because the Fiancé Already Had Her Fist in It
20-Something chick #1: So Brad and I went up to the mountains with his friend Greg and Greg's fiancé. Brad and Greg went out to unpack the car, and she and I just started going at it.
30-Something chick #2: You guys were making out?
30-Something chick #1: It was way intense.
30-Something chick #2: Wow.
30-Something chick #1: Then Brad and Greg came back in the house, and Greg started, like, totally freaking out. I mean, he just wasn't, like...feeling my openness!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: gefiltepez
Have You Tried Blackmail?
Girl #1, looking at fake sex pills: You should get him this one: "One Large Dose of Lovin'."
Girl #2: Bitch, it's going to take more than some candy to get him to fuck me!
--Novelty shop, Fort Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
Brunettes Have More Fun with Their Brothers
Blonde girl: Oh... I had sex with your brother last night.
Brunette girl: Oh, yeah?
Blonde girl: He has a huge cock.
Brunette girl: Oh my god! I know!
Blonde girl: Too bad he has herpes.
Brunette girl: I know...
--Burlington Beach, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Alrighty.....
She Doesn't Count Those Pregnancies, Either
Spin-doctor chick: Well, really I've only slept with three guys.
Realistic chick: Ha! It's been way more than that. After your last year in college, you'd have to be up to six.
Spin-doctor chick: Yeah, but two of them were really bad and one was too drunk to finish, so those three don't count.
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: silently smirking
He's a Full-Time Burnout
Girl with lower standards: I think you should go out with Spook. Yeah, I like him for you.
Girl with higher standards: He's a drug dealer. Why would I want to date a drug dealer?
Girl with lower standards: He's not a drug dealer.
Girl with higher standards: He sells me weed all the time.
Girl with lower standards: That's just his part-time job.
--Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas
Those Aren't Girls, Sir
American girl #1: Does your boyfriend shave his balls?
American girl #2: I didn't know that men do that.
Nearby British man: Is this what young American girls talk about on their holiday?
--Cassis, France
Dear Tony-- More Vinegar, Less Garlic -- Love, Marsha
Ghetto chick #1: Yo, girl, I can smell you from here.
Ghetto chick #2: Girl, what you talkin' 'bout? You better be talkin' 'bout my lotion.
Ghetto chick #1: No, girl! I'm talkin' 'bout your pussy.
Ghetto chick #2: You crazy, girl. Tony ate it out last night. Ain't nothin' in there to smell!
Ghetto chick #1: Maybe it's just the nigga's breath, then.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: karen g.
It's Important to Have Standards
Teen girl #1: Remember when Paul and Diane had sex at the beach last year?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, that shit's so gross. Have you seen this water?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, there's so much nasty shit in here.
Teen girl #2: That's why I'll only have sex at Jones -- it's much cleaner.
Teen girl #1: Def.
--Rockaway, New York
Overheard by: A. D.
Rick Talks in His Sleep, So Almost Certainly
Sunbather to her gal pals: Do you think those guys know that Rick has slept with each of us?
--Lewes, Delaware
Overheard by: Graz
But You Had to Get All Pissy about that Whole Rape Thing
Girl #1: Hey, see those guys we went out on the date with that time?
Girl #2: Where?
Girl #1: Up there with the big-ass cooler and grill. I told you we shoulda gone out on another date with them. We coulda been up there drinkin' beer and eating hot dog right now.
--Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas
Overheard by: d
See, It's Sacred, and that's Why the Gays Don't Deserve It
Honeymooning hubby: Honey, do you want a drink?
Absentminded wifey, reading: Sure.
Honeymooning hubby: Do you want a sandwich?
Absentminded wifey: Whatever.
Honeymooning hubby, exasperated: Will you give me a massage?
Absentminded wifey: Whatever.
Attractive blonde stranger: I'll give you a massage, hottie.
Absentminded wifey, looking up from her book: Back off, he's mine [she goes back to her book].
Honeymooning hubby, whispering to blonde: So... Can I meet you later, then?
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: eager ears
Arguably Kinder than Playing the Class Card
White hicks in car let out low wolf whistles.
White chick on sidewalk: I'm sorry, we're just not into white guys right now.
--Destin, Florida
Overheard by: Beach Bum
A Sand Box, a Swing, and the Denver Broncos
Brunette teen: Last time I was here with Tony, we boned. He told me it was fun and romantic and everyone has to have sex on the beach once in their lives. It was the worst. I found sand in my ass for, like, two weeks.
Blonde teen: Ugh, I hate when that happens.
Brunette teen: What?
Blonde teen: It's a long story, but it involves a sand box.
--Field 6, Jones Beach, New York
Ignorance Makes Me Harder than Chinese Algebra
Freshman bikini girl #1: College classes are much more lame than I thought they would be.
Freshman bikini girl #2: Yeah. I mean, who cares about, like, the difference between Chinese and Japanese?
Freshman bikini girl #1: Yeah! Or algebra! Like anyone even cares!
Freshman bikini girl #2: Do you have more baby oil?
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: a professor who specializes in Asian cultures
We Used Protection, But We Licked It Off
Blonde #1: Are you wearing that sunscreen that tastes good?
Blonde #2: What?
Blonde #1: Your sunscreen smells really good. Is it the kind that tastes good?
Blonde #2: How do you know how sunscreen tastes?
Blonde #1: Oh, I'll tell you later.
--Natural Bridges, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: just trying to get a tan
They're the First Warning Signs of Congenital Stupidity
Little Miss Texas slathering on more baby oil: I don't know why I'm gettin' all these little wrinkles around my eyes, do y'all?
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations
Girl #1: I think you might be ridiculous.
Girl #2: Look who's talking.
Girl #1: See, you're not normally ridiculous. On the other hand, I am always ridiculous. So why should you expect any different from me?
Girl #2: I shouldn't. I'm sorry.
--#6 Parking Lot, Jones Beach, New York
Wait, So if I Take My Shirt Off, You Can See Through It?
Two girls are dancing in their car, while listening to 'Boom Boom Boom Boom.'
Driver's seat: Dude, I wonder if people are staring at us right now.
Passenger's seat: We're in a car. No one can see us! We have tinted windows!
Driver's seat: Dude. All the windows are down.
--Spring Lake, New Jersey
Overheard by: Thank god I have a high IQ
