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Like Your Speedo?
Girlfriend in spa, whose bikini top is suddenly filling with air from the spa-jets: Ai! My top is blowing off!
Boyfriend: That's okay, it's not as if it was supporting anything.
--Hobart, Australia
Overheard by: JW
Sure It's Not the Sweet Pangs Of Love?
Nagging wife on bicycle to defeated downtrodden husband on bicycle: The more I talk to you, the more my stomach is getting aggravated... 'cause you're an asshole!
--South Beach Boardwalk, New York
Overheard by: J9 and G-Rod
We'll Never Understand the Russian Zodiac
Old man to wife, in Russian: What sign are you?
Woman: I'm a fish.
Old man: Shark, son of a bitch.
--Hallandale Beach Boulevard, Florida
Overheard by: superemanuella
...Unlike Your Soul.
Nagging mother to adult daughter, after sniping at her all afternoon: Your best attribute used to be your personality. But with the life you lead, now it's dead.
Adult daughter's husband, without looking up from newspaper: It's not dead, it's just asleep.
--Maguire's Landing, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: oysterwoman
Who Says Romance Is Dead?
Fat sweaty drunk boyfriend to fat sweaty drunk girlfriend: Babe... I don't ever want you to have to suck my cock for money again.
--Jersey Shore
Overheard by: Five Minutes Later A Stranger Grabbed My Hair and Smelled It
And You Know How Gullible Small Children Are
20-something man: Those seagulls sound like your orgasm!
Girlfriend, gesturing at teenagers: Shh! There are little girls over there!
--Michigan
If This Were a Porno, She'd Feel Them For You.
Freezing 20-something to boyfriend: I can't feel my nipples! I can't feel my nipples! Oh my god! That water's so freaking cold! (to friend) Brenda*! I can't feel my nipples!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: I wish I could
Just As I'm Dropping Off to Sleep
Girlfriend: Why are you all pissed off?
Boyfriend: Some days you don't say shit to me, and then when I'm in a bad mood, you go and say some dumb shit out ya face.
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Dano
There's a Fucking Version? My Life Is Complete!
Boyfriend to girlfriend: So, what do you want to do? You wanna go shopping or something?
Extremely feminine, sweet-looking girl: I just wanna go home and watch some fucking Dragonball Z.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
But I Was Just About to Tie Them in a Bow!
Elderly husband to leather-tanned wife taking top off on the beach: Jesus Christ, Mary! Put those things away,will you? Nobody wants to see that.
--Playa Del Carmen, Mexico
Okay, Assghanistan Is Not a Real Place
Girlfriend to boyfriend: Borat was from Kazakhstan--that's a real country!
Boyfriend: No it's not!
Girlfriend: Yes it is, it's over in the Eastern European area! You are so up your ass right now!
--Kaanapali Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Megan
I Hate People Who Have Better Tans Than I Do
Bimbette to boyfriend: So yeah, I like, went to Cabo over spring break, and there were like Mexicans everywhere! Yeah, it was horrible.
--Michigan
Winter In Maine Is ...Less Than Exciting
Suburban tourist #1: Remember that time when I threw the cat out in the snow and that guy was staring at me?
Suburban tourist #2: And then John got christened by the cat.
Suburban tourist #1: Yeah, I don't think that cat had peed in six months. It was like a fire hose.
Wife: That John and his temper...
--All Day Breakfast, Kennebunkport, Maine
Overheard by: Amused Locals
...And Pass the Vodka
Snorkel guide: The blue belt is for the strong swimmer. The orange belt is for... the weaker swimmer.
Man to wife: You better get the orange belt.
Wife: Hey, shut up!
--Jamaica
Overheard by: Peeto the Cheeto
...Due to That Shirt You're Wearing.
Boy: So are we ready to go?
(no response)
Boy: Hey!
Girl: Sorry, my eyes were closed.
--Oceanside Beach, California
...And I'd Like to Do It with Dignity.
Fat blubbery man to wife: C'mon already! Let's go in the water--I gotta take a piss!
--Caribbean
Overheard by: Grossed Out
Whereas Mayo Is a Lifestyle Choice
Wife: Do you want any sauce?
Husband: No, just ketchup for my fries.
Wife: Ketchup *is* a sauce!
Husband: No, tartar sauce is a sauce. Ketchup is just ketchup.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: ISPgypsy
Wow, That Takes All the Glamour Out Of My Alcohol Abuse
Boy: You should have come out last night! It was the best pub crawl ever!
Girl: Yeah? Which pub crawl was it?
Boy's girlfriend, unimpressed: It wasn't a pub crawl. It was just him... going to a lot of pubs... by himself.
--Gold Coast, Australia
Immigrants: The New El Nino.
Black tween girl to girlfriend on cell: It's mad hot out, you deported Dominican.
--Bergen Beach, New York
Overheard by: its not THAT hot out
She Has Only Clients
Teenage girl to boyfriend: Ew, look. Haley is over there. Whore. She comes here like every day with nothing better to do.
Boyfriend: We come here every day, too.
Teenage girl: Yeah but at least we like, have friends.
--Miami Beach, Florida
But I Like Tapping My Foot While Pooping!
Girl to boyfriend: I have to go to the bathroom.
Boyfriend: Okay, but just don't let anyone hit on you there.
--St. Simon's Island, Georgia
Overheard by: Layla
We Call Her the Nostradamus Of Women's Health
Woman to husband, pointing at fat girl: Is she pregnant?
Husband: I don't know.
Woman: I'll ask Beth, Beth knows everything.
--Centennial Beach, British Columbia, Canadia
Even If It Throws Up?
Drunk girl to drunker boyfriend: It's better to throw up than give up!
Hobo: Respect the pussy!
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
Overheard by: AlwaysGoodAdvice
The Problem Might Be Quality, Not Quantity-- Just a Guess, Hon
Old lady, walking with husband: I don't really understand the problem. I mean, I throw more parties than the college kids!
--Pennfield Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Meg
Labia Science-- the Dewyest Decimal System Of Them All
Girl to boyfriend: All I have to do is finish this project, and I got my degree!
Boyfriend: You know what's a degree? Your vagina!
--Gulf Coast University, Florida
Anyone Else Feeling a Strange Nostalgia for The Golden Girls?
Little old lady, stumbling on the boardwalk with her husband: Oh my goodness! There's no railing on the edge? What? Someone could just fall right off! If they were as drunk as me, anyways.
--Key West, Florida
Overheard by: Caroline Oldfield
Hey, I've Seen You Eat Molten Chocolate Cake
Elderly man, taking picture of his wife on the beach: You look like you're having an orgasm!
Wife: How would you know?
--Pass-A-Grille Beach, Florida
Overheard by: The girl who almost ended up in the picture.
Because a Watched Sea Never Boils.
Enraptured girl, watching sunset with boyfriend: I just love it when the sun sinks into the sea like this! But I have a question...
Boy: Huh? What?
Girl, turning serious: Why doesn't the sea boil?
--Kauai, Hawaii
Loretta Also Commented on the Number of Jews in Jerusalem
(on board a ferry full of black people)
Elderly southern woman: Seems to me there are a lot of blacks here.
Half deaf elderly husband: What?
Elderly southern woman: Blacks!
--Ferry, Bermuda
'Brokeback Mountain' Filled Him with Doubt
Guy trying to park his car: Honey, am I straight? Am I straight?
Wife: I damned well hope so.
--Grand Beach, Manitoba, Canadia
Overheard by: Shalamar
And You're Pretty Smart, Not Like a Blonde
Guy to couple: Hi!
Blonde wife: See, they're nice here, not like in California.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: cherry picker
And Resigning From Your Fan Club
50-something woman: I want the tiramisu for my birthday cake!
Husband: Well, the restaurant says they only have individual portions, not a big thing. That would be expensive for eleven people.
50-something woman: Well, I don't want the key lime pie, that's fifth on a list of five options.
20-something woman #1: Well, why don't we get a pie for everyone else, and a tiramisu for you?
50-something woman: I want everyone to eat what I'm eating in commemoration of my birthday!
20-something woman #2: Oh my god. I'm leaving.
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Audrey
Coulda Hung a Porch Swing Off It
(built dude in super-tight white spandex shorts roller blades past a group of hipsters on bicycles)
Biking ironic hipster to girlfriend: Woah. Did you just see that sweet penis?
--North Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Kara Lang
Snow White Began to Regret Choosing Grumpy Over the Prince
Husband: There are always thieves on the beach.
Wife: Well, aren't you just a ray of sunshine up my ass?
Husband: Well, there are.
Wife: You are just a ray of fucking sunshine up my ass! All day (imitating husband) "I can't smoke here, I can't drink here, there are thieves on the beach."
--East Matunuck State Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Penny Lane
It's Winking at Me
Wifey: I mean, just stop staring at her vagina!
--Cedar Beach, West Islip, Long Island
Overheard by: Indecent Exposure?
At the "That's What She Said" Quarterfinals
Mid-twenties gal: (shows bottle of sunscreen) Hey, hon, will you cream me?
Mid-twenties guy: (snickers)
Mid-twenties gal: What? Oh, god. You're sick.
(guy rubs the sunscreen on her back)
Mid-twenties guy: Can you get the rest yourself?
Mid-twenties gal: Yeah, I'll just finish myself off.
Mid-twenties guy: (snickers)
Mid-twenties gal: Oh, shut-up!
--St. Paul, Minnesota
An Overabundance of Sand and Sun, for One Thing
Long Island wife: Shawn! Shawn, you idiot, your son wants to come swimming with you!
Long Island husband: Did you just call me an idiot?
[A fight erupts and wife is so upset she starts packing.]
Long Island husband: What are you doing? You said you wanted to go to the beach today!
Long Island wife: We've been to the beach, and the beach fucking sucks!
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sat near them on the plane going home two days later, too
A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner
Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
--South Beach Florida
Wait for It...
Woman to husband, watching the sunset: Why doesn't the sun ever set in front of the clouds?
--Pacific Grove, California
Overheard by: never enough sunscreen
Or Whatever That Stuff in the Tortilla Is
Fiftyish guy to wife: Just for that, I'm not gonna eat your pussy tonight.
--El Cid, Cozumel, Mexico
Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?
Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
Nude Beach Brain Teaser
Wife: Frank, you heard about the 11 second rule?
Husband, staring at hot nude chick nearby: What?
Wife: The 11 second rule. If the cops catch you staring at breasts for more than 11 seconds, you have to go to jail.
Husband: No way.
Wife: And keep in mind, there are lots of gay men on this beach.
--Race Point Nude Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
You Can't Seriously Expect Frank to Give Up a Possible Bite Just to Save Someone
Redneck girl: Frank was out fishing with the guy who drowned yesterday.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he try to save him?
Redneck girl: No, he was fishing -- I told you. He thought he had one on the line.
Redneck boyfriend: Did he?
Redneck girl: No, it was just the water.
Redneck boyfriend: I thought you were gonna say it was the guy who drowned.
--Holland State Park, Michigan
Overheard by: Townie
No, I Mean with Me This Time
Girlfriend: Hey, wanna have sex in the water later?
Boyfriend: Of course.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kristy Y
But I Feel a Lot Higher Than That
Wifey turning from looking at ocean: This is so nice. What elevation are we at?
Hubby: ... Seriously?
Wifey: Yes.
Hubby: Um... Sea level, honey.
Wifey: Oh. Yeah.
--Ka'anapali Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: D-Rock
I Went Through a Year of That after My Balls Went on Prozac
Girl: Oh my god, the water is so cold! I think my vagina is numb.
Guy: I hate when that happens.
--Grand Haven, Michigan
Overheard by: Lisa
It's Not Channel Ocho?
Man: Honey, I don't think this off-board thing is very safe.
Wife: Why not?
Man: There are so many Mexicans here...
Wife: We're in fuckin' Mexico!
--Mexican cruise
Overheard by: Lydia
The Pony Part Is Why He's the Professional
Girlfriend: Jon Coulton does a song like that.
Boyfriend: About making monkey-man hybrids?
Girlfriend: Monkey-pony, actually.
Boyfriend: Well, then, he's my motherfucker.
--St. Augustine, Florida
I Was Wondering If I Might Borrow One of Your Mouths?
Middle-aged man: Hi, girls. I was wondering if I could borrow one of your magazines. My wife is really bored and forgot her book. I'll give you a drink in return.
Group of 20-ish girls: No problem. Here's a People mag.
Middle-aged man: Thanks. See ya.
Middle-aged woman walks over laughing and whispers: Girls, my husband is so shy -- I can't believe he actually did that! And do you know what I have to do in return? [Girls stare.] I have to give him a blowjob tonight!
--Sullivan's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Meghan
I've Gone to DefCon 5
Chick: Nothing is getting in my ass!
Dude: Not even a pinky?
Chick: Not even a pinky!
--Huntington Beach, California
Liv Tyler: As Long As They Don't Find Out I'm Secretly Asian
Mother: Both of my daughters are allowed to marry Orlando Bloom if they ever want to. That is one gorgeous boy.
Father: Who's Orlando Bloom?
Daughter #1: An elf.
Mother: No, he's not.
Daughter #2: Yes, he is -- he was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings.
Father: The elf was played by a black man?
--Carolina Beach, North Carolina
No, Dumbass, the Animated TV Movie
Girlfriend: It's so beautiful here in Cape Cod. Wasn't David Copperfield set in Cape Cod?
Boyfriend: Wait? You mean like the magician?
--Ferry to Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: JFN
There Are Children Going to Bed Sober in Africa
Husband: Babe, we need to pick up another 12 pack and then go get the kids.
Wife: Finish your beer first.
--Chick's Beach, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
What'd You Say, Honey? I Was Looking at These Guys in Speedos Over Here.
Tourist wife: Look at their butts. These bikinis are too small...Honey? Did you hear me?
Tourist husband: Huh?
Tourist wife: My point exactly.
--Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
And I'm Totally Upset That Our Video Debuts on SmutLady.Com Tonight
Girlfriend: Oh my God, I totally look like Paris Hilton.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you're an overtanned, skinny skank.
Girlfriend, excitedly: I know!!
--Shelly Beach, New South Wales, Australia
The Smiths' Early Forays Into Swinging Were Clumsy and Ineffectual
World's best wife: Honey, twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: Huh? No, it's not. It's two-thirty.
World's best wife: I mean twelve o'clock.
Clueless husband: I don't get you.
World's best wife: Look straight ahead.
Clueless husband: Why?
World's best wife: Look at the hot chick right in front of you! Look! Look!
Clueless husband: Oh!...Niiice.
--Grand Beach, Manitoba
I Fought the Law...and the Fight Was Postponed
Burly guy: One good thing about this trip: at least it ain't Jersey.
Girlfriend: Jersey's not that bad!
Burly guy: Easy for you to say, there's not a warrant out for you there.
--Revere Beach, Revere, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Staying far away from this guy...
Maybe It's Looking to Relocate
Wife: Murray! Cover up! Your business is hanging out of your bathing suit!
Husband, nonplussed: That business closed down years ago.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Larry
When He's Being Nice to Me He Puts Out Cigarettes on My Arm
Guy: You look really hot in that bikini.
Girl #1: I'm not really in the mood for flirting today so why don't you just buy me a lemon ice, I'll pretend I like you, and we'll both be on our way.
Guy, as he walks away: Bitch.
Girl #2, walking up to her: Wasn't that your boyfriend?
Girl #1: Yeah. I'm so tired of him being a dick all the time.
Guy comes back with a lemon ice.
--Boardwalk, Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Batwon
This Old Thing?
Guy wearing "World's Best Dad" shirt: Hey, honey, where's Sadie?
Wife: You're holding Sadie!
--Wakulla Springs, Florida
When Experimenting, It's Important to Only Change One Variable at a Time
Girlfriend: Hey, do you know I heard down in Brazil they, like, mix sand in with their suntan lotion so that it exfoliates their skin?
Boyfriend: That's fucking stupid.
Girlfriend: Tell me about it! I tried it last year and got a nasty rash. So this year I'm using sand and baby oil.
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
Overheard by: Neeri
Fertility Treatment, Economy Version
Husband: Let's take a surfing lesson.
Wife: The water's too cold.
Husband: We can rent a wet suit.
Wife: That would be like wearing someone else's condom.
--Cannon Beach, Oregon
Overheard by: macdog
See, It's Sacred, and that's Why the Gays Don't Deserve It
Honeymooning hubby: Honey, do you want a drink?
Absentminded wifey, reading: Sure.
Honeymooning hubby: Do you want a sandwich?
Absentminded wifey: Whatever.
Honeymooning hubby, exasperated: Will you give me a massage?
Absentminded wifey: Whatever.
Attractive blonde stranger: I'll give you a massage, hottie.
Absentminded wifey, looking up from her book: Back off, he's mine [she goes back to her book].
Honeymooning hubby, whispering to blonde: So... Can I meet you later, then?
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: eager ears
Just Gazing Out into the Horizon of My Navel Hair...
Girlfriend: Some of my favorite times are lying on the beach with my head in your lap.
Boyfriend: Yeah, a lot of my favorite times involve your head in my crotch, too.
--The Point, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Greg P
How Do You Know that isn't Ted Kennedy?
Woman: Is that where George Bush lives?
Man: No, you can't see it from here.
Woman: I bet you could see it with binoculars or something.
Man: Doubt it.
Woman: Why do you always shut me down when I have an opinion? I'm entitled to it! How do you know you couldn't see George Bush's house from here?
Man: There's an island in the way.
--Kennebunk Beach, Maine
Like When Uncle Walter Touches It
Girl to boyfriend: My vagina is all wet, and not in the good way.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Thommy
