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I'll Defend Your Irrational Beliefs to the Death
Creepy guy: Yeah, so you're Mormon?
Army guy: Yeah. I am.
Creepy guy: Good man, I respect that. I'm Italian and Irish.
--Ala Moana Beach, Hawaii
Overheard by: trying to tan
Oh, Like You've Never Been Caught Playing with Your Wand?
Magician to seven-year-old boy: Get your hands out of your pockets! God sees everything!
--Carnival Valor, Caribbean Sea
I Think I've Seen This Vin Diesel Family Comedy...
Postman on cell: Yeah, I'm not a street gangsta--but I'm a gangsta in the house. I hold that shit down. Anybody can be all tough in the streets, but me, I got the house on lock.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Overheard by: Tigertail
Mr. and Mrs. Lecter Rarely Refused Hannibal Anything
Four-year-old boy, winding up long conversation: And so that's why spiders live in your eyeballs. They play in the blood and love to drink dirty water. (pause) Can I have a snack?
--Santa Barbara, California
But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him
Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I'm wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it's Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building's the one my buddy sold and now it's a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!
--Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
Think of Me As the Consumer Reports of Sex
Guy: Why did you tell *Veronica that I had a small dick?
Girl: Because you do.
Guy: You could have at least told her I know how to use it.
Girl: You don't!
--Discovery Bay, California
Assuming There Was Enough Room, with the Constitution Still in There
Drunk girl, after hearing about a "promise statue": I'll tell you what I would do if a guy gave me a promise statue! I'd lube that shit up and stick it up my vag!"
--Long Beach, California
Or Whatever That Stuff in the Tortilla Is
Fiftyish guy to wife: Just for that, I'm not gonna eat your pussy tonight.
--El Cid, Cozumel, Mexico
Yet Another Reason to Love the Beach
Guy: It smells like pussy out here!
Girl: It smells like you're gonna have to find someone else to give your ass a ride home.
--Bixby Knolls, Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Armando
Go Directly to Hell. Do Not Collect $200
Guy passing huge Jesus statue: I wanna fuck his stigmata.
--Lincoln Avenue, South Beach, Florida
How Business Gets Done
Gent #1: I'm having troubles casting for this part.
Gent #2: I know the perfect girl, but she's young. Only 17.
Gent #1: Hmmm... That's too young.
Gent #2: Yeah, but you could fuck her mom.
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Wanker
Perhaps, but What's Your Excuse?
Sketchy salesman: Hey, pretty ladies!
American girls: [Ignore him.]
Sketchy salesman: Stop being so American! That's why you're single!
--Playa del Carmen, Mexico
Overheard by: PlayaChicas
Plus, 13 Is an Unlucky Number
Creepster: Her dad says I'm too old to be hitting on a 13-year-old girl, so I do the math. But if you let them get their belly button pierced, they are going to get attention.
--St. Simon's Island, Georgia
Overheard by: Dragoman
I Have to Tell You, I Don't See a Downside to Any of That
Perv #1: Dude, check out that girl!
Perv #2: Which one?
Perv #1: Over there, in the yellow suit!
Perv #2: What? She can't be more than twelve!
Perv #1: Dude, I would totally do her!
Perv #2: You need help, man. She doesn't even have tits.
Perv #1: I'm not a titty man.
Perv #2: Yeah, well, your boyfriend in prison will be glad to hear that.
--Island Beach State Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Steve
