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Or Am I Thinking Of a Yeast Infection?
Drunk boy: Anemic? Isn't that when you eat too much white bread?
--Poolside, Perth, Australia
Sometimes He Claps with Them!
Drunk dude to another: Yeah, my dad has really big thighs!
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Overheard by: i dont know
It's the Next Best Thing to Me Sleeping with You
Drunk girl to interviewer with guitar: Are you part of one of the bands?
Interviewer: No, I just interviewed Paramore for my job.
Drunk girl: Oh... Well... Do you want a beer bong, anyway?
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Who Says Romance Is Dead?
Fat sweaty drunk boyfriend to fat sweaty drunk girlfriend: Babe... I don't ever want you to have to suck my cock for money again.
--Jersey Shore
Overheard by: Five Minutes Later A Stranger Grabbed My Hair and Smelled It
For the Last Time, Amber, This Breast Came from a Surgeon.
Drunk girl to another: Where did you get this thing? The ridiculous... Things... Store?
--Carnival Cruise, Carribbean
I Grew Weary Of Leaving Post-It Notes on Her Sleeping Body
Drunk guy #1: You keep condoms and stamps in your wallet?
Drunk guy #2: Yeah.
Drunk guy #1: So what are you gonna do, bang her and send her a thank you note?
--Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Overheard by: Well, it WOULD be a nice gesture...
That, and the Ben Franklin Wig
Drunk white guy: Girl, I love you. You remind me of my friends from Philly!
Sober black girl: Why? Cause I'm black?
Drunk white guy: Yes. (pause) I felt you deserved an honest answer!
--Port Hueneme, California
Overheard by: honesty is the best policy
Which Anniversary Is the Coors Anniversary Again?
Guy selling beer: Ladies, if your man won't buy you a beer he ain't gonna buy you anything else!
Same guy selling beer, an hour later: If you don't drink beer, you're gonna die!
--Brighton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ramen
A Sales Pitch That's Almost As Shitty As Corona.
Beach vendor #1: Ice cold corona! Aaargh!
Beach vendor #2: Ice cold water, beer! Aaargh!
Beach vendor #1: Yo, we need wigs.
Beach vendor #2: Next time I'm wearing a pirate costume, don't get it twisted.
Beach vendor #1: Ice cold corona, aargh!
--Brighton Beach, New York
Ad: "Are You Irish Sprung?"
Drunk Spanish rock dude: This soap, it smells like penis.
--Santander, Spain
Overheard by: Murray
Can He Tie Them in a Knot? Can He Tie Them in a Bow?
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god! Look at that guy's balls!
Drunk girl #2: Where?!
Drunk girl #1: Around his neck!
Drunk girl #2: Wow! They're huge!
--Rocky Point, Mexico
...Chug on That.
Drunk chick on raft: Hey, Mike*, would you love Kelly* more if she did a beer funnel?
Mike*, on another raft: We're married. I don't have to love her at all.
--Rafting Down Delaware River
Overheard by: twoferrets
What Happens When You Give Your Number Out Too Often
Random, possibly drunk lady at bar: 1, 2, 3, 4, who do we appreciate?
--Thai Restaurant, Honolulu, Hawaii
She's...My Soulmate!
Drunk guy being dragged out of bar, yelling: But she promised she would suck my balls!
--Cold Keg, Melbourne, Florida
Nerds Have Trouuble Losing Their Virginity; They Keep Taking Their Eyes Off the Prize
Drunk guy to others: Imagine how long it would take to fuck a spider. It would take ages!
--Dunedin, New Zealand
I Keep All Mine in My Pants
Drunk guy yelling in hallway: I know I've been drinking all day, but you're the one that doesn't got their shit together!
--Huntington Beach, California
The Canadian Version Of The Hills Is Infinitely More Entertaining
Skinny drunk girl with dense philosophy textbook: I like peeing when necessary, I like peeing when unnecessary. Whenever, wherever. As long as I get arrested for it, that's all I ask. Is that too much to ask?
--Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Jericho
When You Know I'm Their Massage Therapist
Drunk girl: I can't believe you called me a bitch and told me not to touch your brothers.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mr. Awsome
Craig Learns That Some Things Only Sound Like Fun
Loud, drunk sorostitute leaving bar to drunk frat boy: When we get back, I'm gonna piss all over your pussy.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
...While You're Sleeping.
Drunk guy to drunk friends: I love you from the base of my penis!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Allison
Even If It Throws Up?
Drunk girl to drunker boyfriend: It's better to throw up than give up!
Hobo: Respect the pussy!
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
Overheard by: AlwaysGoodAdvice
You Should Start a Support Group.
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, now I know what you mean about hooking up on a beach.
Drunk girl #2: What?
Drunk girl #1: The sand...it gets everywhere!
Drunk girl #2: Oh yeah, it is like all in my hair and my purse.
Drunk girl #1: No... I mean *everywhere*.
Drunk girl #2: What?
(pause)
Drunk girl #1: I have sand in my vagina!
--Naples, Florida
If Gay People Disappeared, Straight People Would Miss Them
Drunk hobo to group of gay guys: That's why I love South Beach. It's gay, gay, gay!
--Lincoln Road, Florida
Overheard by: David
Death Drives American
Drunk guy to drunk friend, seeing approaching car: Hey! Watch out for death!
--Terrigal, Australia
Which Is Why I'm Oddly Drawn to Starbucks Coffee
Drunk girl: I think I am sexually attracted to fire.
Sober girl: Yeah...let me know how that goes.
Drunk girl: It burns, but I gotta admit I love the smell of burning pubic hair in the morning.
--Gold Coast, Australia
As Depicted in Debbie Does Dorsal-Fins
Drunk guy to girl: Hey, heeeeey. Sometimes I think about dolphins.
Girl (annoyed): Okay...
Drunk guy: Yes! See, they have sex for pleasure, like humans.
(girl giggles and walks away with friends)
--Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia
Here, Talk to My Dad While I Go Throw Up
Drunk college girl to drunk college boy: We have the same cell phone...we have so much in common!
--Panama City, Florida
Or Swedish?
Drunk woman to woman coming out of water with snorkeling mask: Oh, I was thinking about getting one of those! Is it worth the money?
Woman in mask: Absolutely! There's tons of sea urchins, coral, plants, fish...
Drunk woman: Tropical?
--Atlantis Resort Cove Beach, Bahamas
Overheard by: Maggie
Maybe Try the Saran Wrap Off a Sub
Drunk guy in line on cell: I don't see any rubbers here, so are you okay with "pull & pray?" (pause) You know I'm not gonna pull out, right?
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: I really hope they don't procreate...
Laura Bush Can Be Amazingly Forceful at Times
Obnoxiously drunk ho as she leans on bro for support: Don't even think about thinking!
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Why Girls Wear Pants Without Pockets: Explained
Drunk teen guy: If I had a vag, I'd totally stick drugs and shit up there!
--Lavalette, New Jersey
Overheard by: I have one, but I don't
Of Course He Liked His Raw and Smeared on Strippers...
Drunk woman at bar: I mean, we had so much in common, you know? He liked red meat, I liked red meat... It was a good relationship.
--Long Beach, California
According to the Farmer's Almanac
Drunk guy: She's done more blow than it snowed last year!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Audrey
Dude, Just Get a Bigger Fish!
Drunk camper: If that dude actually comes back with a fish and starts slapping people with it, I'm leaving this island. That is just way more intensity than I am prepared to deal with.
--Lake George, New York
Overheard by: Sneaker
So I Only Hurt Myself
Drunk guy: I'm scared of you... You look dangerous, like you could beat somebody up.
Drunk girl: What? Why?
Drunk guy: It's the headband, you look like you know karate.
Drunk girl: I don't know karate, I know yoga.
--Beaufort, South Carolina
Overheard by: Wish I had that logic....
Especially for the Part of It That's Passing Through Me
Drunk girl, holding a can of Milwaukee's Best, sadly: ...I feel bad for Milwaukee.
--Santa Barbara, California
You're Barefoot, Amy
Sober girl: You have no idea what's going on!
Drunk blonde: Yes I do! I am still totally relevant to what is going on!
Sober girl: Wait, what?
Drunk blonde: Oh, relevant of! Relevant of what is going on!... Aren't these shoes sexy?
--Santa Barbara, California
We Know That Spidey-Sense Well
Drunk college student, spilling wine on herself: Oh great. Now I'm wet all over!
Drunk college boy nearby: What! Who said that!?
--Gold Coast, Australia
The "Hasselhoff Effect" in Action
Drunk man: [Bumps into girl and puts his hand around her to move her aside.] Sorry.
Girl: Eww! You're dirty!
Drunk man: C'mon, you know you like it!
Girl: Eww! [Drunk man walks away.] Call me!!
--Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: Snoog
Total-Immersion Learning
Drunk college boy: Come get drunnnk!
Sober college girl: Nah I have a massive exam tomorrow, I gotta study.
Drunk college boy: Study... Like a fish.
--Gold Coast, Australia
Assuming There Was Enough Room, with the Constitution Still in There
Drunk girl, after hearing about a "promise statue": I'll tell you what I would do if a guy gave me a promise statue! I'd lube that shit up and stick it up my vag!"
--Long Beach, California
Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?
Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
The Purpose-Driven Life Made a Huge Impression on Me
Drunk girl: My goal is to win a wet T-shirt contest so I can win two hundred dollars and get a tattoo... I could never get naked, but I would if I had to.
--Ft. Walton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: If I didn't have to work the next day, I'd have invited her to party
Loved the Clown Noses on the Nipples, by the Way
Drunk girl who just flashed her tits: Here, I'll show you, but I know you're going to laugh.
Bouncer: Like I'm gonna laugh at your ID -- I just saw your tits!
--Outside Mercury Bar, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Here tits were pretty funny
What's Worse Is, It's a Puddle of Her Own Pee
Drunk girl, rolling around in large puddle: It's a bird bath! Get in!
Angry guy: Get the fuck out of the puddle! You're not a goddamn bird!
--Bayard Avenue, Dewey Beach, Delaware
Without Having to Open Your Eyes
Drunk dude: I like mescaline for breakfast, because then all day you see all kinds of different shit.
--Pacific Beach, California
And because She's Your Sister
Drunk law student, down on one knee: Will you marry me?
Drunk girl he just met, giggling: Of course!
Drunk law student to friend five minutes later: That's not binding if it's just oral, right?
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Mirrors, Mostly
Drunk girl: Wow, those cookies are sooo big! How do they do that?
--Highway 98 East, Destin, Florida
Overheard by: restaurant bitch
If You Had a Really Good Telescope, You Could See Our Backs
Drunk wedding guest: Hey, cool! I wonder what bay that is...
Sober guest: Uh, that's the Atlantic Ocean.
Drunken wedding guest: Are you sure? It looks too calm to be an ocean.
Sober guest: We're as far East as you can get in New Jersey. That's the ocean.
Drunken wedding guest: I think it's some sort of bay.
Sober guest: There's no land on the other side! It's the ocean!
--Sea Bright, New Jersey
Overheard by: I looked at the map
It Would Be Easier If You Just Went Home
Drunk sunbather: Have I told you I hate kites? I just hate them. They make me want to vomit. Also, I don't like adjectives, so don't call this a 'tasty sandwich.'
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: pole
Don't Be a Dick -- Just Point
Drunk guy: Dude, which way is the beach?!
Sober friend: We're on an island! You figure it out!
--South Padre Island, Texas
It's Actually Working Out Pretty Okay
Drunk girl: So, what do you do?
Drunk guy: Honestly? I sell weed. And surf.
--Bar, Long Beach, California
I Know What Kind of Eggs I Want for Breakfast
Drunk girl pointing at pelican: Holy shit -- a fuckin' Pterodactyl!
--Cancun, Mexico
You're Welcome to Bring Heidi and the Kids
Drunk dude: Seal! Come drink with us!
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
I Found That Out the Hard Way
College chick eating chocolate rice pudding: It kinda looks like poop, but it's so yummy!
Drunk girl: Don't eat poop. It's not good for you.
--Majesty of the Seas cruise ship
Britney and K-Fed in Five Years
Drunk mother: So, do... When we should send the kids to bed?
Drunk father: Well, the older one can stay up later tonight... What the fuck is that kid's name...?
Drunk mother: Brianna?
Drunk father: Who the hell...? I mean, Sabrina.
Drunk mother: You're holding Sabrina.
Drunk father: Cassie! Send the other two to bed in an hour or so, but Cassie can stay up later. [Baby in his arms starts to cry.] Shut the hell up, Cheyenne.
--Beach campground, Mindon, Ontario, Canadia
And Often... and Daily... and at All Hours. Wait....
Dad to buddy's tween daughter: Susie*, can you get me another beer from the cooler?
Susie: Wow, Jerry, you're an alcoholic.
Dad's own tween daughter: My dad is not an alcoholic, he just drinks fast!
--Long Island, New York
Time to Invest in a Bathtub?
Dude: This beach trip has been so awesome!
Chick: We've been here all week, and you haven't walked down to the beach once.
Dude: Yeah, but it's great to just sit around, drink, and get high.
Chick: You do that at home.
Dude: But I can see the water from the window. At home all I see is the parking lot.
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Problems That Can Be Solved by Beer
Reporter: Hey girls, do you have anything you want to say to the camera?
Drunk girl #1: Hi, mum... I'm not that drunk...
Drunk girl #2: And I'm still a virgin!
--Schoolies Week, Gold Coast, Australia
There Are Children Going to Bed Sober in Africa
Husband: Babe, we need to pick up another 12 pack and then go get the kids.
Wife: Finish your beer first.
--Chick's Beach, Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mike
That's What Sock Drawers Are For
Drinking dude: He was a cool guy until he pissed in the closet.
--Long Beach, New York
She Has No Idea How Awkward Her First Sexual Experience Is Going to Be
Teen girl: I can't believe I'm drunk! I'm drunk! In Italy! I am 17 and drunk. Oh yeah, and I'm with my parents! The first time I'm drunk, in a foreign country, under 21, with you people, and I'm in Italy?
Teen girl's mother: It is better this way. At least you are with people who care.
--Nova Siri, Italy
Overheard by: only other american in the place
That Depends on How Much They're Willing to Spend Marketing the DVD
Hungover girl: Ahh, I feel like shit.
Less hungover girl: Yeah, I can't believe we did that last night.
Hungover girl: What?...What are you talking about?
Less hungover girl: Cassie...the trampoline?
Hungover girl: Oh my God! Who saw that?!
--Ramsey Beach, Minnesota
After the Wedding, Daisy Ended Up Outsourcing the Remaining Sexual Activities
Drunk dude: My girlfriend said I could have butt sex with a hooker at the bachelor party if I promised never to bring up butt sex again when I get home.
--Brigantine Beach, New Jersey
Right Where You Belong: My Heart
Drunk guy, plopping down on lounge chair: Oh yeah!
Burly man passed out next to him starts to wake up.
Drunk guy: You are a sex machine!
Burly man: What? Where am I??
--Pool bar, Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Girl on nearby lounge chair
I Was Thinking Later, You Might Wanna -- Oww! For Fuck's Sake! Stop Doing That!
Drunken man, hitting on woman: Your eyes melt the elastic band in my swim trunks!
--Grand Beach, Manitoba
Overheard by: Tanning @ The beach
Randy Found Her Unresponsive, Cowlike Demeanor Strangely Arousing
Fat dude on awkward first date: Yeah, so that's why I didn't put 'Let's meet at Starbucks' in my ad. 'Let's have a beer on the beach,' you know?
Obese chick: Mmm-hmmm.
Fat dude: So... You don't drink?
Obese chick: Hm-mmm.
Fat dude: So, it's fair to say you have a problem with alcohol.
Obese chick: I don't have a problem with it.
Fat dude, after long pause: So, what do you do? I mean, what other hobbies do you have?
Obese chick: I chew a lot of gum.
--Golden Gardens Park, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Brooke
So that's What the Poor People are Doing for Fun this Season
Drunk guy: If my life is their vacation, then why am I fucking broke, eating raw Ramen noodles for dinner, sleeping on the beach with the seagulls every fucking night? --West Dennis Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts Overheard by: rob
He'll Find Out about It Online Eventually
Drunk mother #1: I met him at a bar. He looked like George Clooney... But we'll see.
Drunk mother #2: Wait, aren't you dating someone?
Drunk mother #1: Not anymore. He just doesn't know it yet.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
