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Loss of Virginity's Contagious
[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!
At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals
Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.
--Jones Beach, New York
Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time
Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
And Inserted It Into My Vagina
Blonde: So my mom fucked me last night.
Friend: She what?
Blonde: You know, held up her middle finger...
Friend: Um...
--Malibu, California
Now Imagine Lesley Gore Singing This
Guy #1: I can't believe you did that! How could you? After all this time! I thought I knew you!
Guy #2, very loudly: It's my butt and it's gonna be fucked if I want it to!
--Enseada Beach, Brazil
Overheard by: Natasha
Dude, I Think She's Advertising!
Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.
--Padre Island, Texas
Can Ground Pigs' Rectum Ever Really Spoil?
Chick #1: Do you want your sandwich?
Chick #2: Nah, it hasn't been refrigerated.
Chick #1: Well, it's just lunch meat, it's not real meat anyways.
Chick #2: Yea...
--Lake Tahoe, California
For Chubby Girls, Love Is a Battlefield
[Guy on Harley drives by with Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield" blasting.]
Chubby girl #1: What the hell?
Chubby girl #2: That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
--Bookfair, St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Jamie
But Why Is It Purple?
Girl #1: Look at that guy!
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: The one with the white thong!
Girl #2: [80-year-old guy bends over to pick up shell.] Look! The thong's not white there!
Girl #1: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Worth a Try
Jock #1: Did you see him at the party last night? I mean, what the hell?
Jock #2: Dude, he's such a fag.
Jock #1: I heard he swallows.
Jock #2: What's his name again?
Jock #1: Eric.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Possibly Because I Increase My Time at the Strip Club
College student to friend: I watch less porn when I have a girlfriend...I don't know why.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
And Lived Happily Ever After
20-something college guy: So he was getting the anal beads pulled out, coming at the same time, and he shat all over this girl's couch.
20-something college girl: Well then what did he do?
20-something college guy: I dunno, he probably wiped his ass and left...
--Casino Beach, Pensacola, Florida
He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal
Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.
--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
To Bring Up Incest Like That
12-year-old boy to boogie boarding pal: You just did a 360! That was so awesome! We should all give you blowjobs for that! Even your brother!
Friend: Dude, you are so gay.
--Monterey Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith
What about That Guy Standing behind You Right Now Licking Your Asshole?
Woman #1: I haven't had sex in three years.
Woman #2: But what about your friend?
Woman #1: He doesn't count, because I don't enjoy it.
--Brittany Beach, France
Miss Manners Says as Long as You Ask First, It's Okay
Queer: That guy sooo just checked you out.
Hot chick: Should I go over there and ask to sit on his face?
Queer: Bianca.
Hot chick: What? I'm horny!
Queer: Me, too, now that I think of it.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
I'll Only Kiss You in Public Restrooms and Camera-Free Elevators
Chick #1: Why didn't you kiss me at the pool?!
Chick #2: Because I don't want to have an open relationship with you!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
And It's Self-Licking
White girl, about black girl's cat in her lap: I love your cat! Scratch that... I love your pussy!
Black girl: Haha! Yes, my big, black pussy is awesome!
White girl: I love to stroke your pussy. It's so soft.
Guy: Your pussy vibrates when you touch it! [Cat jumps away and goes to the window.]
Black girl: Sometimes my pussy gets lonely and likes to go stare out the window.
Guy: Damn! Everyone can see your big, black pussy from that window! Shameful!
White girl: Maybe your pussy needs some attention.
Black girl: Nah! Nobody wants a black pussy!
White girl: That ain't true! Lots of people do!
Black girl: No! Everyone loves a white pussy! ... You should bring out yours.
White girl: My pussy isn't white... It's brown with orange speckles.
Guy: Ew!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
Could You Take It Out of Your Vagina First?
Girl #1 in stall: I think I'm bleeding.
Girl #2 in next stall: Do you have your period?
Girl #1: I dunno. Here, look.
Girl #2: I don't want to look!
Girl #1: At my foot, dumbass.
--Wawa, Chadwick Beach, New Jersey
Filled As They Are with Incomprehensible Acronyms
Guy #1: Hey, man! What's up?
Guy #2: You don't return my calls...
Guy #1: I don't return your Facebook messages.
--Woodbine Beach, Toronto, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Kaley
Possibly in a Nunnery
Tattooed woman with cast: Did you see the dancer on stage with the horse tail?
Pale friend: I am ready for a vacation.
--South Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Scott on SoBe
They're Like Susan Sarandon That Way
Girl: I used to have a Shih-Tzu. Cutest dog ever.
Boy: Yeah, my friend has one, and this Doberman mutt thing. It's weird, 'cause they were playing with each other and its eyeball fell out.
Girl: What?!
Boy: Yeah. They took it to the vet and he was like, 'Oh, yeah, that happens a lot.'
--Lake Conroe, Texas
Lamarck: The Evidence I Was Waiting For!
Girl: That big lady across the room is staring at you again. You know she thinks you're hot -- I bet she's picturing you naked right now.
Guy, rubbing his nipples: She wants my body.
Girl: In a minute she's gonna look over here and do that to you.
Guy: Are you kidding? That bitch would have to grow longer arms so she could reach below her knees.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
... Because It Is
Girl #1: Yeah, my mom wants me to go to this party, but I don't wanna go alone. Wanna come?
Girl #2: Is it Tina's party?
Girl #1: ... Did you just ask me if it was a penis party?
--Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: Hana
Her Vulvar Ring Is from Tiffany's
Girl #1: So, I was thinking about taking a picture of my yoo-hoo and framing it for my boyfriend this Christmas. Opinions?
Girl #2: I think you're the classiest individual I've ever encountered.
Girl #1: You're too kind.
--Waikiki beach, Honolulu, Hawaii
But Has Fewer Carbs
Chick #1: My dog won't eat its food unless we mix cottage cheese in it.
Chick #2: Ew, cottage cheese is disgusting.
Chick #1: Yeah, I hear it looks like a yeast infection.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
You Ever Had a Fat Girl, Joanie?
Girl #1: I don't get it -- I'm in a sweater and I'm cold, but you aren't and you're wearing a tank top?
Girl #2: That's because I'm fat.
Girl #1: Oh... Well, at least you're honest!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Leah
You Say This "Clitoris" Actually Has a Purpose?
Middle-aged woman to friend: Well, she had to get it long before she could use it.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Tim Berzins
This Stuff Coming Out of Me Is Bad News, Then
Hungover fat chick: You mean, I didn't have sex last night?
Hungover skinny chick: Nope.
Hungover fat chick: I could have sworn I had sex with somebody last night...
Hungover skinny chick: Nope.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: glinda
Did He Just Tackle That Manatee?
Chick #1: Is it just me, or does that baby over there have really broad shoulders?
Chick #2: Maybe you should get his number.
--Oscoda, Michigan
Overheard by: Kate
Soon I'll Be Too Tired to Ask My Wife to Jerk Me Off
Middle-aged guy #1: I'm gettin' old, buddy.
Middle-aged guy #2: We're all gettin' old.
Middle-aged guy #1: Yeah, but first I was just gettin' too tired to have sex, so I was jerkin' off a lot. Now I'm too tired to even jerk off.
Middle-aged guy #2: Shut up. You're getting me depressed.
--Boardwalk, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
Guy: You're Heinous! This Is a Gun
Girl #1: But you were dancing with that guy...
Girl #2: Which guy?
Girl #1: The guy with the hard-on.
Girl #2: Which one?
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Ladle
Cosmo Tip: Your Slutty Friends Can Help You Advertise!
Chick to whispering friend: You shaved down there so he could stick his tongue in you?!
--Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Marg
It's the Waking Up Part That Worries Me
Cyclist to her friend: I've had trouble sleeping ever since I got zapped by lightning.
--Monterey, California
Overheard by: RhiannonStone
All of Western Medicine Is at Your Disposal
30-ish chick #1: Well, maybe your body is telling you that it's time to have a baby.
30-ish chick #2: Well, maybe I'll just tell my body to shut the fuck up.
--Jones Beach, New York
Guess How I'd Shift Gears
Guy #1: Okay, dude -- if you could, which one of us would you sleep with?
Queer, looking back and forth, then staring at Guy #2: I have been dreaming of sitting on your face and using your ears as bicycle pedals...
Guy #2: Uh... What?
--Papas and Beer, Ensenada, Mexico
Overheard by: Alcaeus
She's Doing It Again
Dude #1: You know how your girlfriend does that thing with her tongue?
Dude #2: I've talked to her about that.
--St. Augustine, Florida
He Said He Would Love Her Always
Guy #1: No. She, like, threw the tampon.
Guy #2: At him?
Guy #1: Yeah, to turn him on.
--St. Augustine, Florida
At Least Here in the Restaurant
Guy with thick European accent: What, you don't like my muscles? You want me to wear long-sleeved shirt?
Friend: Uhhh, yes...
--Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: anny
We Talk of Many Things
Woman #1: Oh my god! How are you?
Woman #2: I'm great! How are you?
Woman #1: I'm great! How's your walrus?
Woman #2: Oh, he's fine. I'm keeping him in my living room.
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Overheard by: Adam Kraemer
What You Want to Steer Away from Is the Shield Volcano Kind
Tony: So, tell me about them.
Ralph: Her tits?
Tony: Yeah.
Ralph: Okay, you know those kinda tits -- the Mount Everest kind?
Tony: Yeah, yeah...
Ralph: And you know those kinda tits -- the Mount Whitney kind?
Tony: Uh-huh.
Ralph: They were a cross between those.
Tony: Ohhh. Solid, man, solid.
--The Hamptons, New York
Hippies: We've Been Trying to Tell You!
Chick #1: So like, I shaved my legs and then went to this party and there was this toootally hot guy there, but he didn't want to hook up with me.
Chick #2: Well, I have this theory that you only get action when your legs are hairy.
--The Hamptons, New York
And That's the Way We Became the Brady Bunch
Girl #1: Alex and I had sex here, on this beach.
Girl #2: When?
Girl #1: Last summer. We were staying at his parents' beach house and would come out here at night and just do it.
Girl #2: Sounds fun.
Girl #1: Oh, it was. Until we saw this couple walking their dog by the water.
Girl #2: Hm?
Girl #1: It turned out it was Alex's parents. They totally knew it was us.
Girl #2, laughing: Did they ever say anything about it?
Girl #1: Oh, yeah. His dad took me aside the next morning and told me we could have a private rendezvous one night if I wanted.
Girl #2: No way! That's disgusting! Oh my god, what a perv!
Girl #1: Yeah, except he and his wife were going to get a divorce anyway...
--Stinson Beach, California
Nobody Expected Wingtips
Hippie girl: Hey, how's Stone?
Hippie guy: You know -- he's Stone... Oh, wait! He started wearing shoes!
Hippie girl: Well, that is a change!
--Maui, Hawaii
A Long Way of Saying, 'We Reserve the Right to Put You in a Reality Show'
Dude #1: So, I'm up for this reality show...
Dude #2: Hey, congratulations!
Dude #1: But in this contract they want me to sign it says, 'We reserve the right to use any footage that embarrasses, humiliates, defames, or otherwise ruins your fucking life.' I'm not signing that shit.
--West Hollywood, California
Is That What Happened to Neve Campbell?
Surfer #1: I'm thinking about joining this race where you paddle out to Catalina.
Surfer #2: How do you get back?
Surfer #3: Might not come back.
Surfer #4: Heavy.
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Brandon
NewsFlash: Trio Questioned in Tuna Sandwich Stabbing
Loud girl #1 using knife: Man, this is sharp!
Loud girl #2: Yeah, that's because it's meant to stab people!
Loud girl #2's boyfriend: No, it's not...
--Pensacola Beach, Santa Rosa Island, Florida
Overheard by: pretending to read a research article
Think We Should Fly South with the Flock?
Bimbette to friend: Why is it so cold? It's a beach!
Passerby: Yeah, a beach in November... Dipshit.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: dr. obvious
What Happens When You Take Sex Ed in North Carolina
Girl #1: Oh, man! So, for Christmas my dad is letting me get my cartilidge pierced! I'm so excited!
Girl #2: Oh, man, that's so cool! I want to get mine done, too.
Girl #1: Yeah, I'll only ever get my ears pierced. Everything else is so gross and weird.
Girl #3: Yeah, well, I have my clit pierced -- do you think that's weird?
Girl #2: What's a clit?
--Nags Head, North Carolina