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Liza, Barbra, Britney, JLo...
Man, walking with friend on pier, pointing at full moon reflecting water: In Hawaii, you see the stars reflecting in the water.
--Coney Island Boardwalk, New York
Overheard by: Janelle
Now Let's Get Drunk and Go Swimming!
Loud girl to friend: Man, people is stupid!
Friend: I know, right!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Interestingly, I Feel the Exact Opposite Way About The L-Word
Boy #1: You know what show I like?
Boy #2: What?
Boy #1: Six Feet Under. It's great, minus all that homosexual shit.
Boy #2: Yeah, for real.
--Belmar, New Jersey
For the Last Time, They Don't Take Fashion Victims
20-year-old speaking to friends: Why didn't you guys take me to hospital?
--Dee Why Beach, Sydney, Australia
I'm 97% Certain Richard Simmons Was Born by a Massive Gay Orgy
Meth-adict-looking girl: I was born by a massive gay orgy.
Friend: I wish I was born by something...
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Zach
Water Does Things to Swimwear Against Which Mere Netting Is Powerless
Young guy in floral: Are you supposed to wear underwear under these things?
Friend in plaid: I mean, you don't have to... but I do.
--Robert Moses, Long Island, New York
Warren Buffet Could Make Me Come from Across the Room
Girl to friend: I can't tell if he's hot either, because I don't know how much money he has.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: sara
Both!
Little boy to friend: Ryan, do you want this hermit crab to pinch your nipples now or later?
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: MsKrabs
Remind Me Why We're Friends
Blond woman, wrapping towel around her waist: I feel like my thighs are too fat to be at the beach.
Gay friend: Well, shit, now they look like they're in a sausage casing. Downgrade.
--Palmetto, Boca Raton, Florida
For Some Reason, I Couldn't Stop Sweating
Boy to friend: When she called I was in my room, naked, blow drying my body.
--Jones Beach, New York
Details Available Upon Request
Girl to friends: I think the worst thing I ever smelled was my own breath.
--Weirs Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: glad I wasn't downwind of her
My Love for Him Burns Long and Strong
Man to friends: He's a pyromaniac from way back.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bonnie
Ooo, Them's Fighting Words!
Teen to friend: That boy doesn't know his bivalves from his crustaceans.
--Colonial Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: I love me some bivalves AND crustaceans
Ugh, You Sound Like My Girl Scout Troop Leader.
Girl to friend: You just took four Clonazepam. How are you not having a good time?
--Luna Park, Coney Island
...Scientists Say.
Girl, shouting to friend 50 feet down the beach: You have a vagina!
--Smith Point Beach, New York
...Aiight?
Scrawny brunette girl to friend: When you 'ask' someone, you have a question. When you 'axe' someone, you introduce a hatchet to their face.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Given the Creatures With Whom I've Been Cohabitating
Girl to friend: I've been so tired and hungry lately.
Friend: Maybe you're pregnant.
Girl: That's not funny at all. I'm not pro-abortion or anything, but I'd have to terminate that quick.
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Brittany
Internet Porn: Explained
Guy on bus to friends: So the longer those titties were in front of me, the happier I became.
--Brisbane, Australia
Aw, Don't Get Sore at Her.
Guy: So I went to the party last night... and she gave me a BJ. Told you I was beast.
Friend: Well, she has herpes, so you should get tested.
Guy: That whore!
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
...That's How I Met You.
30 something guy standing at bar: So she asked me if I had ever slept with a stripper.
Friend: What did you say?
30 something guy: I told her the truth... I said "yeah, I slept with a stripper, of course."
--Austin, Texas
And So White People Can Feel Okay About Calling Us "Persons Of Color"
White girl to black friend: Why do black people wear colored skinny jeans?
Black girl: So when it's dark you can see them.
--Tampa, Florida
Who Still Uses MySpace?
Scene girl to friend: Hey, Ana!
Friend, yelling: Call me by my MySpace name!
Scene girl, sighing: Fine. (pause) Hey, AnaAutomaticAssaultUnicorn!
--Tampa, Florida
The Partial-Birth Ones Are to Die for
Girl to friends: You know what tastes great? Scrambled chicken abortions...
--Tampa, Florida
When the Game Show Network Merged With the History Channel
Girl to friend: I'm going to name one of my friends Jew and the other one Hitler, so it would be like Family Feud.
--Tampa, Florida
Unlike All You Nasty Boys
Girl to friend: It's so hot. I'm icing my nipples, and they're not even getting erect.
--Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Yep, it's really that hot
Jello Shots It Is, Then
40-year-old woman to friend: Yeah, they told me I can only have solid liquids for a week.
--Miami Beach, Florida
In the Kingdom Of the Pantless, the One-Thonged Man Is King
Seven-year-old girl to friend: Kyle says he's going to go through all the girls' bags and steal their undies.
--Outdoor Swimming Pool, Victoria, Australia
Overheard by: Mr. E
If Dr. Laura Owned PBS
Girl shouting to friends: Goldilocks! Stop sleeping in everyone's bed, you whore!
--Tampa, Florida
Call Me SaladShooter!
Burger eater to another: I ate so much salad yesterday I've got lettuce confetti flying out of my butt.
--Kailua-Kona, Hawaii
Overheard by: check please!
You Can't Take Clint Eastwood Anywhere.
Surfer dude to flabby, uninterested friend: Are you seeing this? That seagull is frickin' staring me down. Look at him. Are you looking at him? He's giving me the eye. That motherfucker is going to shit on me at some point today, and he wants me to know it.
--Ocean Beach, California
Way Too Old For You
20-something guy: Hey, how old are you?
Young girl: I'm fifteen.
20-something guy, looking over to friend: Exactly my point.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jenny
The Outdoors Is Bigger Than I Could Have Imagined
Lady to friends: Wow! This is a lot of sand!
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Courtney
That's What You Said About Susan Sarandon
Fisherman #1, watching freshly caught ray: What is that?!
Fisherman #2: It's some kind of mutant fish!
--Tip of Steeplechase Pier, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Liam
As for the Blood Drinking, You're on Your Own
Girl: I really wish I was a vampire, then I could suck people's blood.
Friend: (completely silent)
Girl: That was kinda creepy sounding, wasn't it?
Friend: Well, I mean, it's not a bad thing to like biting people, but it is kinda frowned on to mention it...
--Hawaii
Basically I Like Little Fried Bits Of Unidentified Food
Teen to friend: Went to the Bahamas, they had conch there. I didn't eat that, it was weird. They had really good French fries in the Bahamas, though. I like all kinds of French fries... Curly fries, spicy fries... Except for steak fries, they have too much potato.
--Key Largo, Florida
What Could Be Safer Than Anal?
White trash girl to friend: Whatever, I'm on my period, so I'm not even worried about it.
Gay male friend: You can still get pregnant on your period, I think.
(awkward silence)
White trash girl, laughing: You are such a fucking retard.
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ryan L
Drools a Lot, Though
Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, "my nipples don't argue."
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: raerae
At Least, I Think It Was Mine
50-something woman: My pee was sort of yellowish today!
Younger friend: (nods earnestly)
--Mission Valley, San Diego, California
Overheard by: Thank Goodness!
My Cancer Never Forgets Me
Southern belle: If I had gotten on that boat, I would have met the man of my dreams. We would have had an amazing time and I would have fallen madly in love. Then I'd go back to Arkansas and he'd forget about me, just like all the rest of them.
Friend: Yeah... Need a smoke?
Southern belle: Yes! Do you have menthol? I love menthol.
--Fort Myers Beach, Florida
I Wrote It on My Hand at One Point, but It Washed Off!
Airhead girl, trying to pick up boys: Oh, you go to [name of college]. We go to [name of college right next to it]. (thinks) We're sophomores now, right?
Airhead girl friend: Yeah, I think so.
--Sunset Bay, New York
Overheard by: defsophomore
Teenage Girls: Encapsulated.
14-year-old girl to friends: Yeah, I'm not a whore... I'm just popular.
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Or "Horseshoe Crabs Aren't Fuckbuddies"
Girl to friend: Swimming without lifeguards is awesome. There's nobody to say, "hey, no splash fights", or "you can't have that fifth of vodka in the water!"
--Madison Beach, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Also Drinking
Gosh, I Miss Middle School.
Girl to friends on boardwalk: Were you there when that naked guy walked into the shower?!
--Jones Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: BGonz
Miss Labia Science Couldn't Help Feeling Proud
Teenage girl to friend: Ew! You just slapped your condensation on me!
--Block Island, Rhode Island
Overheard by: diorette
Wasn't That One Of the Labors Of Hercules?
Woman to friends, as they decide where to set up: Let's look for a part of the beach that isn't so sandy, y'all!
--Kill Devil Hills, Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: R U Serious?
I Told You to Wear Sunblock
15-year-old standing on his friend: Woah, I can totally feel your spinal cord!
--Santa Cruz, California
Maybe Slip Through a Crack in the Space-Time Continuum
Guy to friend, in thick New York accent: Let's go on the cyclone and get the fuck outta here!
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Preston
Join the Support Group
Girl to friend: I don't think I'm going to go into the water. I'm going out later, and sand in my crotch just makes me grumpy.
--Santa Monica Beach, California
Great White Ones!
Little black kid: Why can't we go in the pool?
Friend: What pool? That ain't no pool, nigga, it's got sharks in it!
--Coney Island Boardwalk, New York
...Which Was Not Very Ladylike.
Woman sitting at beach with friends: I saw a ladybug in my salad and I ate that shit! It was giving me the finger...
--Riis Beach, New York
Or Maybe I'm Just Hungry.
Macho 20-something guy to macho friends: Hmm, I don't know. I'm just feeling a little bi-curious today.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: roxana
...Named After Him
Girl to friend walking down the boardwalk: Yeah, just keep in mind he does have an STD.
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hilary
...But I'm Not Sure What I'd Do for a Klondike Bar.
Bikini girl to friend: Yeah, I'd suck a dick for an iPod touch.
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
...And That's How the Revolutionary War Began.
Girl to friend: He was upset because she wouldn't let him cum on her face!
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
Florida Raises More Cattle Than Texas. True Story.
20-something girl, floating on waves: It's like riding a cowboy... I mean, a bucking bronco.
20-something friend: Or is it like riding a cowboy who's riding a bucking bronco?
--WindMark Beach, Florida
Here Are Your Ear Plugs
Hippie to friend: Can we go over there and absorb the energy of this band for a minute?
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Rae
Like I Don't Have Enough Star Trivia to Memorize?
Teenage girl: Rosie O'Donnell has multiple personality disorder.
Friend: I thought she was a lesbian.
--Starbucks, La Jolla, California
Overheard by: ...Which are mutually exclusive.
Here's a Status Report Form.
Girl: I think I'm horny... Maybe I just have to pee.
Friend: Go pee, then get back to me.
--San Diego, California
...While You're Sleeping.
Drunk guy to drunk friends: I love you from the base of my penis!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Allison
Why Seagulls Are Known As the Obsessive Compulsives Of the Animal Kingdom
Ditzy college girl to friends, about seagulls on a dock: This might be stupid, but are those birds? They're so evenly spaced!
--Lewiston, New York
Overheard by: Lauren
The Tragic Part Is, She's Trying to Say "Gaydar"
Woman to six-year-old son and friends: Wait, so do you pronounce it "Jäger" or "gay-ger"?
--Del Mar, California
Certainly Leaves a Sour Taste in My Mouth
Woman in red dress to friend: I ain't get none of my lemonade! They drank it up like savages!
--Coney Island, New York
...Just Like Dear Abby Recommends.
Girl to friend: Fuck me up the ass, just don't tell me you love me!
--Manitowoc, Wisconsin
He Was All, "Monkey See You, Monkey Do You"
Girl to friend: It was like crazy monkey sex... and then he just left.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: D
Put the Super Soaker Down, Bobby.
Young child, chasing friends: The only way to kill fish is by using acid! The only way to kill fish is by using acid!
--Jetty, South Australia
"Book Smart," I Should've Said
Woman to another, trying to get support to protect the seals: Yeah, my daughter's friend wants to be a marine biologist. She is so smart.
Daughter's friend, in confused voice: Hey, I got gum on my camera.
--Children's Beach, La Jolla, California
One Of Prozac's Unfortunate Side Effects
Girl on the beach: The sand is burning my feet, and I love it!
Friend: There's bird crap on my beach chair, and I love it!
--Sanibel Island, Florida
Ms. Sarandon Has Some 'Splainin' to Do
60-something woman: So, you know Susan?
60-something friend: Oh gosh, yes! We've been to all her nude parties!
--Anna Maria Island, Florida
Overheard by: Too much information
That's When They Turn on the Wave Machine
Beach guy #1: Hurry up!
Beach guy #2: Fellas, what's the rush? The beach only starts at two!
--Cape Town, South Africa
I May Not Have What It Takes to Be a Catholic
Man to friend: So, I went on my knees. And then I went on my belly. And then I went on my knees again...it was hard!
--Mayan Riviera, Mexico
Overheard by: anna levi
That's What John Said
Atheist: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear ... " (pause) Wow! I have no idea where that came from.
Bible-lover: Actually it's from the Bible: John, chapter 4, verse 18.
Atheist: Oh, fuck! Man...
--Hanover Beach, Indiana
Overheard by: triz3en
But If That's the Theme Of Your Sweet 16...
Teen girl to giggly friend: Well, it's not my favorite thing to have that kind of shit in my mouth.
--Lido Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Alyssa
Did You Go to High School in North Carolina?
Dumb blonde: It's not "labia Menorah"?
Friend: No, that's the Jewish thing.
Dumb blonde: So what is it then?
--Siesta Key, Florida
Death Drives American
Drunk guy to drunk friend, seeing approaching car: Hey! Watch out for death!
--Terrigal, Australia
...To Go with My Cocoa Butter.
Girl to friend: Can I have some of your penis jelly?
--Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
And Yet You Paddle Like a White Lesbian
Inner city youth on kayak #1: You're paddling like a nigga.
Inner city youth on kayak #2: Shut up, you're black too!
--Catalina Island, California
Overheard by: DanO
Like Ninjas, Popes Start Training As Children
Little boy to friend: You wouldn't even know about Jesus if it wasn't for me!
--Wild Wood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Andie
They Never Call
Little girl to friend, after being put back into standing position by a wave: Haha! That wave just knocked me up!
--Craigville Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sarah
Guess She Can Act, Too
Friend #1: You know who's really hot? Megan Fox.
Friend #2 (in nonchalant agreement): Yeah, she's really hot. (more excitedly) You know who else is hot?
Friend #1: Who?
Friend #2: That brunette chick from the Transformers movie--damn.
Friend #1: Megan Fox?
Friend #2: Oh.
--Guarujá, São Paulo, Brazil
A Poo-Poo Poltergeist, If You Will
Girl in bathroom stall: Eww, the pee on this seat is so bad I can't even wipe it up!
Friend: So don't sit on it.
Girl: I know, but I kinda wanted to poop...gotta do the lean, and it's gonna splash. Oh, wait, hmmmm... It's not there after all! It was a ghost poop.
--Rocks Off Concert Cruise, New York
First Trip to California?
Hot chick to guy friends: Oh my gosh, bimbo! Another bimbo! And another one! Bimbo!
--Del Mar, California
High School Musical? Please
Redhead to blonde: So I think he's gay, for serious, I'm not even kidding.
Blonde: What does your dad think?
Redhead: Oh, my dad says that he's "just playing."
Blonde: Little boys don't play like that.
--La Jolla, California
Dear Mythbusters...
Tattooed, bare-chested male #1: You could definitely walk a dog out here.
Tattooed, bare-chested male #2: You cannot! If you bring a dog onto a hot ass fuckin' boardwalk, the heat does not escape through his balls or his tongue.
--Coney Island Boardwalk, New York
Overheard by: SMS
I'll Take "What's in Her Underwear?" for $200, Alex
Redhead: Holy shit! A penis!
Blonde: What?
--Boardwalk, Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Boots
Then I'll Run for Vice-President of the United States
Chubby middle-aged woman to her male friend: First thing I'm going to do is lose a lot of weight, then I'm gonna get a chemical peel...
--Smith Point, Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: geo
George Patton Learns Why Children Make Bad Soldiers
Four-year-old boy, crouched behind a sand wall, yelling at friends running from waves: Hold your positions! I said, "Hold your positions!"
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Magnifying an Image by 100x Totally Counteracts the Effects Of Shrinkage
Chubby, bald man to female friends: They should really put mirrors on the beach, facing out towards the water, so you can watch yourself in the ocean... No, not mirrors, JumboTrons! I would love to watch myself on a giant tv while I swim!
--Kure Beach, North Carolina
Take Me with You, Lady Windigo!
Girl to athletic friend: So, Mary Anne, when you go running, like what does that mean? Is that like, really fast?
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: KB
So You Can Write It on Their Underwear, Which You Hang on Your "Wall Of Victory"
Seven-year-old: Dude, your sister needs hotter friends.
Friend: Well, there's the blond one.
Seven-year-old: What's her name?
Friend: I forget.
Seven-year-old: Dude! If they're hot, you remember their names!
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
I Serve It at All My Tea Parties
Beefy guy to group of beefy friends: Pomegranate and Red Bull? That's heaven in a cup!
--South Beach, Miami
Being a Theater Kid Is a Disability
Girl under umbrella: She said her two life goals are to grow a third arm and trip a cripple.
Mom (to friend): She's a theater kid.
Friend: But still, I don't see any reason to hurt a disabled person.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mary
I'm Like Nature's Glade Plug-In
Friend: Mmm! Sharice, that smells good! What'd you spray?
Sharice: Girl, it ain't no spray.
Friend: What is it?
Sharice (very loudly): Mah pussayyy, bitch!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Suzanne
Loss of Virginity's Contagious
[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!
At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals
Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.
--Jones Beach, New York
Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time
Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
And Inserted It Into My Vagina
Blonde: So my mom fucked me last night.
Friend: She what?
Blonde: You know, held up her middle finger...
Friend: Um...
--Malibu, California
Now Imagine Lesley Gore Singing This
Guy #1: I can't believe you did that! How could you? After all this time! I thought I knew you!
Guy #2, very loudly: It's my butt and it's gonna be fucked if I want it to!
--Enseada Beach, Brazil
Overheard by: Natasha
Dude, I Think She's Advertising!
Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.
--Padre Island, Texas
Can Ground Pigs' Rectum Ever Really Spoil?
Chick #1: Do you want your sandwich?
Chick #2: Nah, it hasn't been refrigerated.
Chick #1: Well, it's just lunch meat, it's not real meat anyways.
Chick #2: Yea...
--Lake Tahoe, California
For Chubby Girls, Love Is a Battlefield
[Guy on Harley drives by with Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield" blasting.]
Chubby girl #1: What the hell?
Chubby girl #2: That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
--Bookfair, St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Jamie
But Why Is It Purple?
Girl #1: Look at that guy!
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: The one with the white thong!
Girl #2: [80-year-old guy bends over to pick up shell.] Look! The thong's not white there!
Girl #1: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Worth a Try
Jock #1: Did you see him at the party last night? I mean, what the hell?
Jock #2: Dude, he's such a fag.
Jock #1: I heard he swallows.
Jock #2: What's his name again?
Jock #1: Eric.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Possibly Because I Increase My Time at the Strip Club
College student to friend: I watch less porn when I have a girlfriend...I don't know why.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
And Lived Happily Ever After
20-something college guy: So he was getting the anal beads pulled out, coming at the same time, and he shat all over this girl's couch.
20-something college girl: Well then what did he do?
20-something college guy: I dunno, he probably wiped his ass and left...
--Casino Beach, Pensacola, Florida
He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal
Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.
--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
To Bring Up Incest Like That
12-year-old boy to boogie boarding pal: You just did a 360! That was so awesome! We should all give you blowjobs for that! Even your brother!
Friend: Dude, you are so gay.
--Monterey Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith
What about That Guy Standing behind You Right Now Licking Your Asshole?
Woman #1: I haven't had sex in three years.
Woman #2: But what about your friend?
Woman #1: He doesn't count, because I don't enjoy it.
--Brittany Beach, France
Miss Manners Says as Long as You Ask First, It's Okay
Queer: That guy sooo just checked you out.
Hot chick: Should I go over there and ask to sit on his face?
Queer: Bianca.
Hot chick: What? I'm horny!
Queer: Me, too, now that I think of it.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
I'll Only Kiss You in Public Restrooms and Camera-Free Elevators
Chick #1: Why didn't you kiss me at the pool?!
Chick #2: Because I don't want to have an open relationship with you!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
And It's Self-Licking
White girl, about black girl's cat in her lap: I love your cat! Scratch that... I love your pussy!
Black girl: Haha! Yes, my big, black pussy is awesome!
White girl: I love to stroke your pussy. It's so soft.
Guy: Your pussy vibrates when you touch it! [Cat jumps away and goes to the window.]
Black girl: Sometimes my pussy gets lonely and likes to go stare out the window.
Guy: Damn! Everyone can see your big, black pussy from that window! Shameful!
White girl: Maybe your pussy needs some attention.
Black girl: Nah! Nobody wants a black pussy!
White girl: That ain't true! Lots of people do!
Black girl: No! Everyone loves a white pussy! ... You should bring out yours.
White girl: My pussy isn't white... It's brown with orange speckles.
Guy: Ew!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
Could You Take It Out of Your Vagina First?
Girl #1 in stall: I think I'm bleeding.
Girl #2 in next stall: Do you have your period?
Girl #1: I dunno. Here, look.
Girl #2: I don't want to look!
Girl #1: At my foot, dumbass.
--Wawa, Chadwick Beach, New Jersey
Filled As They Are with Incomprehensible Acronyms
Guy #1: Hey, man! What's up?
Guy #2: You don't return my calls...
Guy #1: I don't return your Facebook messages.
--Woodbine Beach, Toronto, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Kaley
Possibly in a Nunnery
Tattooed woman with cast: Did you see the dancer on stage with the horse tail?
Pale friend: I am ready for a vacation.
--South Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Scott on SoBe
They're Like Susan Sarandon That Way
Girl: I used to have a Shih-Tzu. Cutest dog ever.
Boy: Yeah, my friend has one, and this Doberman mutt thing. It's weird, 'cause they were playing with each other and its eyeball fell out.
Girl: What?!
Boy: Yeah. They took it to the vet and he was like, 'Oh, yeah, that happens a lot.'
--Lake Conroe, Texas
Lamarck: The Evidence I Was Waiting For!
Girl: That big lady across the room is staring at you again. You know she thinks you're hot -- I bet she's picturing you naked right now.
Guy, rubbing his nipples: She wants my body.
Girl: In a minute she's gonna look over here and do that to you.
Guy: Are you kidding? That bitch would have to grow longer arms so she could reach below her knees.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
... Because It Is
Girl #1: Yeah, my mom wants me to go to this party, but I don't wanna go alone. Wanna come?
Girl #2: Is it Tina's party?
Girl #1: ... Did you just ask me if it was a penis party?
--Clearwater, Florida
Overheard by: Hana
Her Vulvar Ring Is from Tiffany's
Girl #1: So, I was thinking about taking a picture of my yoo-hoo and framing it for my boyfriend this Christmas. Opinions?
Girl #2: I think you're the classiest individual I've ever encountered.
Girl #1: You're too kind.
--Waikiki beach, Honolulu, Hawaii
But Has Fewer Carbs
Chick #1: My dog won't eat its food unless we mix cottage cheese in it.
Chick #2: Ew, cottage cheese is disgusting.
Chick #1: Yeah, I hear it looks like a yeast infection.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
You Ever Had a Fat Girl, Joanie?
Girl #1: I don't get it -- I'm in a sweater and I'm cold, but you aren't and you're wearing a tank top?
Girl #2: That's because I'm fat.
Girl #1: Oh... Well, at least you're honest!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Leah
You Say This "Clitoris" Actually Has a Purpose?
Middle-aged woman to friend: Well, she had to get it long before she could use it.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Tim Berzins
This Stuff Coming Out of Me Is Bad News, Then
Hungover fat chick: You mean, I didn't have sex last night?
Hungover skinny chick: Nope.
Hungover fat chick: I could have sworn I had sex with somebody last night...
Hungover skinny chick: Nope.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: glinda
Did He Just Tackle That Manatee?
Chick #1: Is it just me, or does that baby over there have really broad shoulders?
Chick #2: Maybe you should get his number.
--Oscoda, Michigan
Overheard by: Kate
Soon I'll Be Too Tired to Ask My Wife to Jerk Me Off
Middle-aged guy #1: I'm gettin' old, buddy.
Middle-aged guy #2: We're all gettin' old.
Middle-aged guy #1: Yeah, but first I was just gettin' too tired to have sex, so I was jerkin' off a lot. Now I'm too tired to even jerk off.
Middle-aged guy #2: Shut up. You're getting me depressed.
--Boardwalk, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
Guy: You're Heinous! This Is a Gun
Girl #1: But you were dancing with that guy...
Girl #2: Which guy?
Girl #1: The guy with the hard-on.
Girl #2: Which one?
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Ladle
Cosmo Tip: Your Slutty Friends Can Help You Advertise!
Chick to whispering friend: You shaved down there so he could stick his tongue in you?!
--Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Marg
It's the Waking Up Part That Worries Me
Cyclist to her friend: I've had trouble sleeping ever since I got zapped by lightning.
--Monterey, California
Overheard by: RhiannonStone
All of Western Medicine Is at Your Disposal
30-ish chick #1: Well, maybe your body is telling you that it's time to have a baby.
30-ish chick #2: Well, maybe I'll just tell my body to shut the fuck up.
--Jones Beach, New York
Guess How I'd Shift Gears
Guy #1: Okay, dude -- if you could, which one of us would you sleep with?
Queer, looking back and forth, then staring at Guy #2: I have been dreaming of sitting on your face and using your ears as bicycle pedals...
Guy #2: Uh... What?
--Papas and Beer, Ensenada, Mexico
Overheard by: Alcaeus
She's Doing It Again
Dude #1: You know how your girlfriend does that thing with her tongue?
Dude #2: I've talked to her about that.
--St. Augustine, Florida
He Said He Would Love Her Always
Guy #1: No. She, like, threw the tampon.
Guy #2: At him?
Guy #1: Yeah, to turn him on.
--St. Augustine, Florida
At Least Here in the Restaurant
Guy with thick European accent: What, you don't like my muscles? You want me to wear long-sleeved shirt?
Friend: Uhhh, yes...
--Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: anny
We Talk of Many Things
Woman #1: Oh my god! How are you?
Woman #2: I'm great! How are you?
Woman #1: I'm great! How's your walrus?
Woman #2: Oh, he's fine. I'm keeping him in my living room.
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Overheard by: Adam Kraemer
What You Want to Steer Away from Is the Shield Volcano Kind
Tony: So, tell me about them.
Ralph: Her tits?
Tony: Yeah.
Ralph: Okay, you know those kinda tits -- the Mount Everest kind?
Tony: Yeah, yeah...
Ralph: And you know those kinda tits -- the Mount Whitney kind?
Tony: Uh-huh.
Ralph: They were a cross between those.
Tony: Ohhh. Solid, man, solid.
--The Hamptons, New York
Hippies: We've Been Trying to Tell You!
Chick #1: So like, I shaved my legs and then went to this party and there was this toootally hot guy there, but he didn't want to hook up with me.
Chick #2: Well, I have this theory that you only get action when your legs are hairy.
--The Hamptons, New York
And That's the Way We Became the Brady Bunch
Girl #1: Alex and I had sex here, on this beach.
Girl #2: When?
Girl #1: Last summer. We were staying at his parents' beach house and would come out here at night and just do it.
Girl #2: Sounds fun.
Girl #1: Oh, it was. Until we saw this couple walking their dog by the water.
Girl #2: Hm?
Girl #1: It turned out it was Alex's parents. They totally knew it was us.
Girl #2, laughing: Did they ever say anything about it?
Girl #1: Oh, yeah. His dad took me aside the next morning and told me we could have a private rendezvous one night if I wanted.
Girl #2: No way! That's disgusting! Oh my god, what a perv!
Girl #1: Yeah, except he and his wife were going to get a divorce anyway...
--Stinson Beach, California
Nobody Expected Wingtips
Hippie girl: Hey, how's Stone?
Hippie guy: You know -- he's Stone... Oh, wait! He started wearing shoes!
Hippie girl: Well, that is a change!
--Maui, Hawaii
A Long Way of Saying, 'We Reserve the Right to Put You in a Reality Show'
Dude #1: So, I'm up for this reality show...
Dude #2: Hey, congratulations!
Dude #1: But in this contract they want me to sign it says, 'We reserve the right to use any footage that embarrasses, humiliates, defames, or otherwise ruins your fucking life.' I'm not signing that shit.
--West Hollywood, California
Is That What Happened to Neve Campbell?
Surfer #1: I'm thinking about joining this race where you paddle out to Catalina.
Surfer #2: How do you get back?
Surfer #3: Might not come back.
Surfer #4: Heavy.
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Brandon
NewsFlash: Trio Questioned in Tuna Sandwich Stabbing
Loud girl #1 using knife: Man, this is sharp!
Loud girl #2: Yeah, that's because it's meant to stab people!
Loud girl #2's boyfriend: No, it's not...
--Pensacola Beach, Santa Rosa Island, Florida
Overheard by: pretending to read a research article
Think We Should Fly South with the Flock?
Bimbette to friend: Why is it so cold? It's a beach!
Passerby: Yeah, a beach in November... Dipshit.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: dr. obvious
What Happens When You Take Sex Ed in North Carolina
Girl #1: Oh, man! So, for Christmas my dad is letting me get my cartilidge pierced! I'm so excited!
Girl #2: Oh, man, that's so cool! I want to get mine done, too.
Girl #1: Yeah, I'll only ever get my ears pierced. Everything else is so gross and weird.
Girl #3: Yeah, well, I have my clit pierced -- do you think that's weird?
Girl #2: What's a clit?
--Nags Head, North Carolina
What? A Butt's a Butt, Right?
Dude #1, looking at girl's butt: I'd say about a six.
Dude #2: Yeah... Out of a hundred!
Dude #1: Okay, fine. What about her... Eight?
Dude #2: Nah.
Dude #1: Well, what do you think?
Dude #2: That man's about an eight.
Dude #1: Dude...
--Gold Coast, Australia
But You Had a Kid, Mary!
Bitchy friend: ... So then we took a vote, and you're the biggest slut out of all of us.
Girl: But I'm the only virgin.
Bitchy friend: We know.
--Kingston Beach, Washington
Social Darwinism: Coming Soon to a Street Near You
Girl #1: Why the hell isn't he going? We have to get someplace too!
Girl #2: It's probably a parent.
Girl #1: Yeah, those parents are always looking out for kids' safety. I am so not going to be one of those parents. And I will never have one of those Please Drive Slowly bullshit signs in my yard.
Girl #2: Yeah, if you don't want me to hit your kid, keep him out of the goddamned street.
--Booth Lake, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Sarah
Uh, Because He Did That Porno After High School
Teen girl #1: Why the hell are we here?
Teen girl #2: Because we have nothing better to do.
Teen girl #1: Wait... why didn't we call that guy who did that porno after high school? He'll do us both.
--Ashwaubomay Lake, Ashwaubenon, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Lacy Magnolia
If My Slut License Didn't Say I Have To
Guy #1: She told me that she wants to see other people.
Guy #2: You're taking this all the wrong way. Now, you can nail that slut over there and she can't be mad at you when you get back together!
Slut: I would never have you.
--Long Beach, New York
GI Jane Gets Edited For Lifetime
American girl, looking at girl with shaved head: Oh my God, I feel soo bad for her.
American friend #1: 'Cause she has cancer?
American friend #2: Or she's a dyke.
American girl: Either way, it sucks!
--Herzliya Beach, Herzliya, Israel
What If I Asked to Lick Your Ass?
Buff guy, after ordering an extra "floater" shot on top of his strawberry daiquiri: Is ordering that gay?
Friend: Not any gayer than drinking a daiquiri.
--Newport Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: ThoseGuys
The Court Reporter Will Read the Witness's Previous Testimony
Girl #1: Do you think before you speak?
Girl #2: Well, sometimes I just run my mouth off and hope what I'm saying is true. But then I figure, if it's not, who's going to call me on it?
Girl #1: So...tell me about what happened last night again?
Girl #2: Wait, what did I tell you? I don't remember if I lied.
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Chel Sea
Einstein: Now This Is Relativity!
American beach-goer #1: I wonder if the people here have trouble understanding us sometimes.
American beach-goer #2: Why would they?
American beach-goer #1: Because of our accents.
American beach-goer #2: But we don't have accents.
--Edinburgh, Scotland
Probably Because It's Only a Hundred Miles From Maryland
Girl #1: She wants me to move to Philadelphia after college, because she has family in Pennsylvania and she wants to visit me.
Girl #2: Why would she want you to move to Philadelphia and not Pennsylvania?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
She Doesn't Count Those Pregnancies, Either
Spin-doctor chick: Well, really I've only slept with three guys.
Realistic chick: Ha! It's been way more than that. After your last year in college, you'd have to be up to six.
Spin-doctor chick: Yeah, but two of them were really bad and one was too drunk to finish, so those three don't count.
--Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: silently smirking
I'm So Fat and I Haven't Had My Period for Eight Months! I Must Have a Tumor.
Girl: My nipples are so sore! I think they're sunburned.
Nipple-Savvy friend: Is that even possible?
Girl: What else would explain the pain? [Shows nipple]
Nipple-Savvy friend: Maybe your boyfriend shouldn't bite them so hard, yeah?
Girl: He didn't bite them!
Nipple-Savvy friend: I can see the bite marks.
Girl: Oh.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: A beach bookreader
He's a Full-Time Burnout
Girl with lower standards: I think you should go out with Spook. Yeah, I like him for you.
Girl with higher standards: He's a drug dealer. Why would I want to date a drug dealer?
Girl with lower standards: He's not a drug dealer.
Girl with higher standards: He sells me weed all the time.
Girl with lower standards: That's just his part-time job.
--Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas
Last Night, I Woke Up and He Was Licking My Ass!
Nature's mishap: I can't take off this towel.
Logical friend: Why? You do have something on under that.
Nature's mishap: Well, no.
Logical friend: What?! What happened to your trunks? You didn't lose them in the water, did you?
Nature's mishap: No...they're just gone.
Logical friend, to another guy: I can't keep my eye off of John for one minute, can I, without him doing something stupid?
--Long Beach, New York
He Looked Good With the Anus Ring
Girl #1: So then I said, "I'll pierce anything I wanna pierce, asshole!" and left.
Girl #2: Good for you. It was a stupid reason to break up with you, anyway.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Liz Burrin
Wendy's Discovery of Negative Probabilities Won Her That Year's Fields Medal
Woman #1: He's gay, do you really think he has a chance with a straight guy?
Woman #2: Look, we have more of a chance than he does and we have no chance.
--Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: Dawne
Maybe Not. He Might Learn About Untraceable Poisons.
Girl: Well, you get like half his money when you divorce!...And he's in med school now. Alls I'm sayin' is you should wait a few years.
--Folly Beach, South Carolina
Where Is the Khmer Rouge When You Need Them?
Scrabble girl #1: Rasheeon?
Scrabble girl #2: It's "ration."
Scrabble girl #1: I don't think that's a word.
Scrabble girl #2: Come on! You know, like in Cambodia, you get your daily food rations.
Scrabble girl #1: You can't use Cambodian words.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Andrew
And Had to Give It to a Guy Named Tyrone
Girl #1: I love Italian men. And black men.
Girl #2: Didn't you date a half black, half Italian man?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: So where's the ring?
Girl #1: He went back to jail.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Genevieve
Tequila-Induced Vomit Per Square Inch Didn't Quite Make it Into Fodor's
Girl, to her friend who has just dropped a tortilla: Five second rule!
Friend: I am not eating a fucking tortilla off the floor of Tijuana!
Several bystanders: We're in Rosarito!
--Taco stand, Rosarito, Baja
What About the Abortion This Morning?
Girl #1: My vag hurts.
Girl #2: It's probably from the jet ski yesterday...or that guy last night.
--Siesta Key, Florida
Overheard by: sadly not that guy
If You're Heinous, I Guarantee It
Girl #1: Do you think a guy would tell you if he had a girlfriend?
Girl #2: Yes, of course he would!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: kate
Rick Talks in His Sleep, So Almost Certainly
Sunbather to her gal pals: Do you think those guys know that Rick has slept with each of us?
--Lewes, Delaware
Overheard by: Graz
But You Had to Get All Pissy about that Whole Rape Thing
Girl #1: Hey, see those guys we went out on the date with that time?
Girl #2: Where?
Girl #1: Up there with the big-ass cooler and grill. I told you we shoulda gone out on another date with them. We coulda been up there drinkin' beer and eating hot dog right now.
--Cabbage Beach, Paradise Island, Bahamas
Overheard by: d
We Used Protection, But We Licked It Off
Blonde #1: Are you wearing that sunscreen that tastes good?
Blonde #2: What?
Blonde #1: Your sunscreen smells really good. Is it the kind that tastes good?
Blonde #2: How do you know how sunscreen tastes?
Blonde #1: Oh, I'll tell you later.
--Natural Bridges, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: just trying to get a tan
You Mean While You Were Out Spreading Herpes?
Girl to friend in hot-pants: What have you been doing besides looking fat in those shorts all day?
--Lake Michigan
