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Blond woman, wrapping towel around her waist: I feel like my thighs are too fat to be at the beach.
Gay friend: Well, shit, now they look like they're in a sausage casing. Downgrade.
--Palmetto, Boca Raton, Florida
The Apple Gets Adam and Steve in Trouble
Queer #1, holding apple core: Is this biodegradable?
Queer #2, driving: Yes!
Queer #1: Okay! (tosses it out the window)
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
What Could Be Safer Than Anal?
White trash girl to friend: Whatever, I'm on my period, so I'm not even worried about it.
Gay male friend: You can still get pregnant on your period, I think.
(awkward silence)
White trash girl, laughing: You are such a fucking retard.
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ryan L
...Though I Guess the Cow Also Works.
Girl, handing beach towel to gay guy: Here. This one's for you cuz it's got fruit on it.
Gay guy: Oh, I'm sorry. Where's the one with a bitch on it for you?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
You Still Need a Haircut
Loud gay man: Oh my gosh! Last time I saw you I was fucking your ass!
--Hillcrest, California
Overheard by: Brit-ta-nee
Tattoos Are So Hard to Arrange
Gay man to another: You are to florist shops as others are to tattoo parlors.
--St. Michaels, Maryland
Overheard by: I am to shoe stores
He Only Put It in My Mouth, But My Ass Was Still Sore
Gay guy #1: Tom has such a huge dick! I swear I was walking bow-legged for three days! I think it might become a serious thing!
Gay guy #2: I know! He has such a huge dick!
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
If Gay People Disappeared, Straight People Would Miss Them
Drunk hobo to group of gay guys: That's why I love South Beach. It's gay, gay, gay!
--Lincoln Road, Florida
Overheard by: David
Lest You Be Elected Den Mother Of an All-Gay Scout Troop
Mother: We're all set for the picnic!
Random gay dude: Oh, really? Yum! What'd you get us?
Mother: Uh, roast pork sandwiches.
Random gay dude: Ooooh, sounds good! (wanders off)
Mother (whispers): You have to be careful what you say around here.
--East Hampton, New York
Overheard by: pop pop
But You Got All Pissy When I Told Them You Had Crabs!
Gay boy 1: No! I will not tell people you have herpes when you don't!
Gay boy 2: Fine, whatever! Only a real friend would, anyway!
--Boca Raton, Florida
Overheard by: Michael
When You Call Your Boyfriend That, We Feel You're Just Bragging
Large gay man on bike, calling back to others: Come on, guys! We're going to miss the Origami!
--Provincetown, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: mj
Better Let Go Of My Hand, Then
(coming out of a store)
Gay guy #1: Which way are we going?
Gay guy #2: Straight.
Gay guy #1: (giggles)
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Now Imagine Lesley Gore Singing This
Guy #1: I can't believe you did that! How could you? After all this time! I thought I knew you!
Guy #2, very loudly: It's my butt and it's gonna be fucked if I want it to!
--Enseada Beach, Brazil
Overheard by: Natasha
You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God
Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.
--Santa Cruz, California
He Does Crazy Things During Full Moons
Queer: Josh! If you don't put your ass away right now, I'm gonna fuck it!
--Fire Island Pines, Brookhaven, New York
Overheard by: Your Buddy in Blue
Looks Like a Stand-off
Crazy bag lady: I'm Ozzy's mommy!
Queer: No, you're not! You're a fucking gross woman who carries around used clothes and a knapsack full of tissues! Plus, Ozzy sucks!
Crazy bag lady: Fag!
--St. Petersburg, Florida
Thank Goodness Our Parachute Opened
Queer: ... And when he finished on my ass he said, 'Hold on,' and took a step backward and did a back flip!
--St. Augustine Beach, Florida
But Then I Stopped Pretending
Queer #1: Oh my god, I used to eat Little Debbies all the time! I would have a Little Debbie and a Coke for breakfast every day.
Queer #2, intensely: I fucking loved Little Debbies.
--Publix, South Beach, Miami, Florida
And Not a Good-Looking One, Either
Aussie queer: I know that guy's gay. That's got to be his sister. A minute ago a guy came walking up to him that had the same look -- tattoos, short hair... That's usually a giveaway, right? Monkey's face.
American queer: Monkey's face? What's that mean? Is that another Australian colloquialism?
Aussie queer: No, I was just saying the guy's face looked like a monkey.
--Bronte Beach, Australia
