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I Like to Talk About Them and Watch for Erections
Girl: I didn't realize my nipples were dark until I went to sleep-away camp and the girls in my tent were like: "Um. Wow." I went topless in Jamaica and they were, like, black when I came back.
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Colleen
Anyone Else's Bra Need a Refill?
Golden girl: Excuse me, bartender!
(harried bartender grunts at her)
Golden girl: Bartender, can I just have an ice cube please?
(harried bartender fills a cup with ice cubes and slams it down in front of her)
Golder girl: What am I supposed to do with all of these? I just wanted one to put in my bra!
--Colony Hotel, Delray Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Becka Dash
If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible
Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?
--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Responsible Tourist
It's Not Slutty If It's in the Name of Science
Teen girl: Of course she will get naked, she is slutty... I will get naked too, next time, but you guys respect me, right? Oh look, there's a nude dude... [Points at stranger.] Want to see if I can get him hard?
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
And Hard to Breathe
20-something girl, coming out of the ocean: This water's salty!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner
Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
--South Beach Florida
You Know You're Black, Right?
Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.
--Waikiki, Hawaii
And Inserted It Into My Vagina
Blonde: So my mom fucked me last night.
Friend: She what?
Blonde: You know, held up her middle finger...
Friend: Um...
--Malibu, California
Here's Some Chapstik
Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: anna
Especially for the Part of It That's Passing Through Me
Drunk girl, holding a can of Milwaukee's Best, sadly: ...I feel bad for Milwaukee.
--Santa Barbara, California
But Since It's Me, I Know I'm Just Lazy
University of Miami girl: If I wasn't me, I'd think I was stupid.
--Miami Beach, Florida
You're Barefoot, Amy
Sober girl: You have no idea what's going on!
Drunk blonde: Yes I do! I am still totally relevant to what is going on!
Sober girl: Wait, what?
Drunk blonde: Oh, relevant of! Relevant of what is going on!... Aren't these shoes sexy?
--Santa Barbara, California
Two Liters Of Beer Goggles, Stat!
Sober girl in crowded bar: I forgot what assholes people are.
--dive bar in Santa Cruz
Idiots Are Generally Immune to Sarcasm
American girl #1: So, did you bring the book?
American girl #2: What book?
American girl #1: The book.
American girl #2: Ohh... Ant farm?
American girl #1: No. The bible. Fucking idiot.
--Aix en Provence, France
Overheard by: Ant Farm pretty much IS the Bible
And They'll Fight Your Enemies to the Death
Teenage girl #1: Yeah, my dad's getting re-married this summer.
Teenage girl #2: Omigod, my dad just got one of those Filipino mail order brides, and let me tell you, they make the best egg rolls ever.
--Nassau, Bahamas
Overheard by: Spring Break wooooo!
I Assumed He Was the Nasty Boy Whose Coming Janet Jackson Foretold
Girl #1: It was really awkward with him last night, he kept putting his hand in his back pocket and down the back of his jeans.
Girl #2: Maybe he had an itch on his ass?
Girl #1: It was worse then that: he started rubbing his ass on the bar stool.
--Jones Beach, Long Island, New York
Must Be Cracker Mating Season
Dumb meatheads to dumb girls: So we've got triscuits and flavor-blasted goldfish back at our condo if you want to come with us.
--Siesta Beach, Florida
Think of Me As the Consumer Reports of Sex
Guy: Why did you tell *Veronica that I had a small dick?
Girl: Because you do.
Guy: You could have at least told her I know how to use it.
Girl: You don't!
--Discovery Bay, California
The "Hasselhoff Effect" in Action
Drunk man: [Bumps into girl and puts his hand around her to move her aside.] Sorry.
Girl: Eww! You're dirty!
Drunk man: C'mon, you know you like it!
Girl: Eww! [Drunk man walks away.] Call me!!
--Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: Snoog
Assuming There Was Enough Room, with the Constitution Still in There
Drunk girl, after hearing about a "promise statue": I'll tell you what I would do if a guy gave me a promise statue! I'd lube that shit up and stick it up my vag!"
--Long Beach, California
Let Me Define My Terms
Old hairy guy: Welcome to the Pacific Ocean!
Dumb blonde: Huh? The ocean? I thought you said we were going to the beach!
--Beverly Beach, Oregon
Overheard by: please tell me she's kidding
Can Ground Pigs' Rectum Ever Really Spoil?
Chick #1: Do you want your sandwich?
Chick #2: Nah, it hasn't been refrigerated.
Chick #1: Well, it's just lunch meat, it's not real meat anyways.
Chick #2: Yea...
--Lake Tahoe, California
For Chubby Girls, Love Is a Battlefield
[Guy on Harley drives by with Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield" blasting.]
Chubby girl #1: What the hell?
Chubby girl #2: That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen.
--Bookfair, St. Petersburg, Florida
Overheard by: Jamie
How Can You Be from a Baseball Pitcher?
Tourist: So where you from?
Hot girl: Uh, here. Where'd you think I was from?
Tourist: I dunno. It's just that here, people are always like "Ooh, I'm from Venezuela" and I'm just like, dude, what the fuck is Venezuela?
--Miami Beach, Florida
But Why Is It Purple?
Girl #1: Look at that guy!
Girl #2: Which one?
Girl #1: The one with the white thong!
Girl #2: [80-year-old guy bends over to pick up shell.] Look! The thong's not white there!
Girl #1: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
--Daytona Beach, Florida
All Up in Your Hoo-Hoo Zone
Seven-year old boy: Those boys over there are looking at you.
Bronzed teen sister in bikini: Oh really? [Looks pleased.]
Seven-year old boy: Yeah. I guess it's cause you have that weird sunburn.
--Liberia, Costa Rica
Yet Another Reason to Love the Beach
Guy: It smells like pussy out here!
Girl: It smells like you're gonna have to find someone else to give your ass a ride home.
--Bixby Knolls, Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Armando
Nah, Meg Ryan's Face Just Looks That Way
Excited teenage girl on cell: Dude, that's so beat!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Tim
Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?
Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
She Doesn't Even Own a Bandana.
Bikini babe: She's had sex before... but... like... only strap-on sex. So she's totally a fake lesbian 'cause she still likes dick!
--Anna Bananas, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: just getting some beers
The Lead Singer Picked Me Up in a Bar Last Night
Teen bimbette: So I heard about this new band that just came out. The lead singer is really cute... they're called The Doors.
--South California
See? There's Uncle Walter Now!
Girl: The sign for "Ped Xing" is way too vague. Lots of words begin with "ped-". It could very well be a pedophile crossing.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Kelly
One Of Those Goth Buddhist Monks?
Outraged hippie chick: Someone drew a pentagram in my Zen garden!
--Seal Beach, California
Now That I Have This Inconvenient Infection
Teenage girl: So I've decided not to be a slut anymore.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes
Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.
--Rockway Beach, NY
Mmm, Damage
Sunbathing girl: Ahhh! Burning sensation!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kristin
Is This Thing On?
Bikini girl #1: Oh my god, he was totally sleeping, and his member was, like, totally awake. Like, hello?!
Bikini girl #2, giggling: Yeah, hello?!
Bikini girl #3, giggling: Hello?!
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
You, Not So Much
Teen girl #1: The sand is so hot!
Teen girl #2: That's why God put the sand near the water.
Teen girl #1: God was a genius!
--Fair Haven Beach, New York
Overheard by: Jane
Shoulda Trimmed the Beard
Guy: Does my face smell like vagina?
Girl: I doubt it [sniffs his face]. Well, maybe a little.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
She's Never Going to Let That One Go
Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: JD
At 40, after Three Failed In-Vitros, Kassidy Was to Remember This Conversation
Little girl: Are you a mom? You look like a mom.
College student: No. How old do you think I am?
Little girl: Fifteen?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
Miss Manners Says as Long as You Ask First, It's Okay
Queer: That guy sooo just checked you out.
Hot chick: Should I go over there and ask to sit on his face?
Queer: Bianca.
Hot chick: What? I'm horny!
Queer: Me, too, now that I think of it.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
Chloroform Never Leads to Love
Girl #1: I mean, I could force a relationship right now. I just don't want to.
Girl #2: Uh-huh.
Girl #1: We really don't have that much in common.
Girl #2: Uh-huh.
--Dewey Beach, Rehoboth, Delaware
Overheard by: Alaina
Downtown from the South Bronx
Chick: So, you live in the city? Wow, where do you live, downtown?
Thug kid: Yeah, downtown... Well, not exactly downtown. Harlem.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: alison
And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!
Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rafaela
What You Get for Eating Cafeteria Food
Five-year-old pulling her bottom lip down: I have herpes!
--Seabrook Beach, New Hampshire
But I'm Breast-Feeding That Conch Shell Over There
Old lady: This isn't a nude beach!
Young lady, sunbathing topless and feigning surprise: Oh, really? Oh, okay...
--Auckland, New Zealand
Overheard by: Shakira
Florida Lies Outside the Normal Space-Time Continuum
20-ish blonde: What time is it in Florida?
--Ocean City, New Jersey
I Have Had It with This Porn Shoot!
Girl #1: That motherfucker is totally going to hit us with his ball.
Girl #2: Assholes... They just don't know how to act.
Girl #1: Yeah, man. Shit, where's my top?
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
[Sigh] I Jack Off to Ideas a Lot
30-ish guy #1: I see you're sporting the side ponytail.
30-ish girl: Just for you!
30-ish guy #2: Yeah, I bet you're gonna jack off to that side ponytail.
30-ish guy #1: No! I jack off to the idea of the side ponytail. They're coming back, I tell ya!
--Summerfest, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: the only sober person there
I'll Only Kiss You in Public Restrooms and Camera-Free Elevators
Chick #1: Why didn't you kiss me at the pool?!
Chick #2: Because I don't want to have an open relationship with you!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
The Purpose-Driven Life Made a Huge Impression on Me
Drunk girl: My goal is to win a wet T-shirt contest so I can win two hundred dollars and get a tattoo... I could never get naked, but I would if I had to.
--Ft. Walton Beach, Florida
Overheard by: If I didn't have to work the next day, I'd have invited her to party