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You Can Be Our Token Sober Person
Girl on cell: Hey! I'm having a barbecue tonight! You should totally come over to my place and drink juice. And by "juice," I mean sooodaaaa.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
You Want the Physics? You Can't Handle the Physics!
Blonde: Why did they make the sun so hot?
--Tampa, Florida
That's Your Answer to Everything!
Girl #1: We need shade. I don't want to get burned.
Girl #2: Wha'd she say?
Girl #3: She says she's gonna be a little bitch.
--Playa Mia, Mexico
Overheard by: Peeto
Um, Birth?
Beach girl in group of people: Wait! Ellen DeGeneres is gay?! Since when?
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Colleen
...And a Much Better Pickpocket.
Tall skinny blonde with small Yorkie in her lap: I think she's become a better person since I've been friends with her.
--LaJolla, California
Well It Is a Dirty Photo.
White girl, reviewing nude pictures of Hispanic girl: That's why I would hate to be darker. Her vagina looks dirty.
--Deerfield Beach, Florida
Well, It Seems Like the Appropriate Thing to Do.
Girl #1: Can you stop touching your junk in front of me?
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #2: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #1: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #3: Can we touch each other's junk?
Boy, girl #1 and #2: What?
--Deerfield Beach
Florida
Brown?
Guido: I really wanna get a tan today.
Bored girl: Sure.
Guido: Do you think there's enough sun to get a tan today?
Bored girl: I don't know. Maybe.
Guido: Will going in the water help me get a tan?
Bored girl: It might.
Guido: I really wanna get tan.
Bored girl: So where are you going to college?
--Coney Island
And Loves Acid.
Girl that won't stop talking: This looks a lot like my mother's house, but the colors are more tropical because she's Puerto Rican.
--North Florida
Overheard by: Amused
...And, to Be Fair, I Now Know More About Female Anatomy Than You'll Ever Know
Boy: Man, I can't believe she's studying, on a Sunday! What a loser.
Girl's voice, yelling from inside house: I can still hear you...
--Gold Coast, Australia
Rivers Of Chocolate Are So Gangsta
Guy: Fuckin' Wonka?
Girl, watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Yeah man, the orig.
--Dundas, Canadia
We Wouldn't Expect Anything Less from You, Mary Kate.
Girl: I think that bitch Ashley got me sick. You know how you can feel it in the back of your throat before it comes... Wow!
--San Diego, California
A George Clooney Movie and Half a Pint Of Ben and Jerry's?
Girl: Let's eat here, it's better value.
Boy: More satisfying?
Girl: No. What satisfies me, they don't sell here.
--Sushi Bar, Gold Coast, Australia
Except on a Hot Day When I'm Looking for Shade
Teenage girl: I hate my sister so much... She's so fat! And I just really hate fat people.
--Cedar Creek Beach, Nebraska
...With Your Penis Being the Obvious Exception.
Girl playing volleyball, as guy switches to her teach to even up sides: I promise we won't suck too much...
--Adelaide, Australia
Wow, Am I Lost
Girl: Excuse me, what lake is this?
Street vendor: The Atlantic one.
--Portland, Maine
One Expects Better Of Florida White Girls
Teen girl #1: Ew! I didn't even know they had movies like this here!
Teen girl #2: What? Wedding Wars?
Teen girl #1, whispering: It's a gay movie! It's all about gay people!
Teen girl #2: Is not! It's just a comedy! (picks up the case and flips it over)
Teen girl #1: Oh my god! Put it down!
Teen girl #2: You're such a racist.
--Blockbuster, New Tampa, Florida
I'm Going to Med School
Girl to boy showing a picture: This is for Valentine's Day.
Boy: Umm... That's really disturbing, is it a bouquet of penises?
Girl: It's not disturbing! It's for Valentine's. (pause) Wait, did you just say "penises"?
--Tampa, Florida
We'll Never Understand Australian Pillowtalk
Girl: How do *you* know the spaceship isn't the entrance to my entertainment centre?
--Adelaide, Australia
Overheard by: T
...Then It's Not Real Fast Food.
Teen girl on cell: It doesn't have feces in it?
--Malibu, California
About As Plausible As a Sea Cow
Girl #1, looking at sand dunes: Look! A rabbit!
Girl #2: Rabbits can't breath under water.
Girl #3: Sea hare!
--Salt Mantra, NSW Australia
All Of Their Family Photos Were Incredibly Grainy
Girl, as brother attempts to bury her in the sand: Why am I the one who gets to be buried?!
Boy: Cause no one wants to see you. Now lie down!
--Balm Beach, Ontario, Canada
Won't They Suffocate?
Girl #1: So I remembered to raise my eyebrows in the picture... Hey, want to see? (pulls out driver's license).
Girl #2: I just leave mine in the car.
Girl #1: Your eyebrows?
--Hartford, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Eating icecream at the time
It's Already Mastered "Sit."
Girl, carrying piece of kelp to dad: This can be my pet until we get a doggie!
--Hermosa Beach, California
As Long As You Promise to Stop Saying "Motion Of the Ocean"
Ghetto black girl, about Lil Wayne: Nah, I wouldn't fuck him, he too short!
Ghetto white girl: Shit, he short but I bet he know the motion of the ocean! You know he do! I'd let him in right in me, yeah I would!
--Santa Cruz, California
It's the Next Best Thing to Me Sleeping with You
Drunk girl to interviewer with guitar: Are you part of one of the bands?
Interviewer: No, I just interviewed Paramore for my job.
Drunk girl: Oh... Well... Do you want a beer bong, anyway?
--Panama City Beach, Florida
But Now That I Have, I Suspect I'm a Genius
Girl: Instead of "fisting" would elephants do "trunking"?
Guy: Wouldn't that be redundant? You know, trunk... Penis...
Girl: Yeah, maybe trunking is just elephant oral. (pause) That is a sentence I never thought I would ever say.
--Bar Harbor, Maine
You May Be Too Stupid to Be My Hag, Desdemona
Gay guy, after boy holds his hand: Ooooh! I finally get a little PDA!
Chick: Ew! TMI! Who's little Petey? Why would you name it that?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
Just Because You Named Your Triplets "Bed", "Bath", and "Beyond"...
Blonde teen: You know that woman we saw at Ikea last year, the one that was like, massively, explosively pregnant?
Brunette teen: Yeah?
Blonde teen: Well I've been wondering...
Brunette teen: If she's had her baby yet?
Blonde teen: No, I wonder if she named her baby "Ikea."
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Jedda
Pop Quiz: Which Girl Are You?
Tourist girl #1: Wow! Check out the package on that guy!
Tourist girl #2: What? He's not holding anything.
Tourist girl #1: I meant his dick!
--Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Overheard by: Fernanda
Ugh, Those Terrorists?
20-something girl, talking about new guy she's dating: Yeah, he's kind of indie.
20-something guy: So is his dick dark brown?
20-something girl, after a long pause: Not Indian! Indie!
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
...That's What My Retainer Is For.
Hot girl to friend: No, no, my underwear comes home with me every time; my panties will be no one's trophy.
--Target, Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Candace
Republicans: See? See?!
Teenage girl: I love carbs! I would marry them if eating your spouse was legal!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
...What Do You Look for in a Pastor?
Tall blonde: That's fantastic, he seems really great!
Short brunette: You know what I love most about him? He gets me... I mean he really appreciates my sluttiness!
--World Pie, Bridgehampton, New York
Saves Us the Effort Of Learning Unpronounceable Names
White college girl: Every time I see them, I'm like, "Asians!" and they're like, "whitey!"
--Long Beach, California
Cousin Ethel Flunked Math Consistently
Girl #1: What did you do to get community service?
Girl #2: My cousin set me up with this guy. She said "he's cute, he 18." He was 15.
--Nahant, Massachusetts
Thai Food Comes to Australia
Girl #1: It tastes like soap!
Girl #2: Yeah, but not unpleasantly so.
--Adelaide, Australia
A Cautionary Tale About Sunblock Fumes
Brunette: When's your anniversary?
Blonde: May.
Brunette: Oh, today?
Blonde: No, May.
Brunette: Oh, mine too.
Blond: When's your anniversary?
Brunette: May.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Tonight's Movie: Bend It Like Jesus
Girl with two plastic goals on either end, walking by a beachside pool: Hey! It's water soccer!
--Dubrovnik, Croatia
For the Last Time, Amber, This Breast Came from a Surgeon.
Drunk girl to another: Where did you get this thing? The ridiculous... Things... Store?
--Carnival Cruise, Carribbean
That, and the Ben Franklin Wig
Drunk white guy: Girl, I love you. You remind me of my friends from Philly!
Sober black girl: Why? Cause I'm black?
Drunk white guy: Yes. (pause) I felt you deserved an honest answer!
--Port Hueneme, California
Overheard by: honesty is the best policy
Point Taken.
Woman to girl: These girls are acting like such dogs!
Girl to woman: Well then, meeeeeaoww, bitch!
--Revere Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sheena Quintyne
Priorities, Ashley.
Girl #1: Our table looks lonely.
Girl #2: Why cause we have no friends?
Girl #1: No. Cause we have no drinks!
--Cuba
Overheard by: kiki
Further Proof That the Sun Will Fry Your Brain If You Don't Wear a Hat
Girl #1: Yeah, that is unless I morph into a...
Girl #2: (laughs)
Girl #1: What's so funny?
Girl #2: You said "morph," it's a funny word.
Girl #1: Is it? I thought we both used it in everyday conversation.
Girl #2: Do we?
Girl #1: I don't know... (giggles) Morphs... It is a funny word!
Girl #2, laughing: Morphs!
--Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: intelligent conversation..
It's French for "Goes Directly to Your Thighs"
Upset teenage daughter to mother: Mom, I can't have sugar! (pause) What is "creme brulee," anyways?
--Huntington Beach, California
...Because They're the Only Ones with a Following.
Dumb girl talking to small group of friends: Only famous people use Twitter.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Janelle
The Condom Balloon Animals Were Pretty Great, Though.
Teen girl to friend: It was kind of like a pornographic clown.
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Can He Tie Them in a Knot? Can He Tie Them in a Bow?
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god! Look at that guy's balls!
Drunk girl #2: Where?!
Drunk girl #1: Around his neck!
Drunk girl #2: Wow! They're huge!
--Rocky Point, Mexico
Warren Buffet Could Make Me Come from Across the Room
Girl to friend: I can't tell if he's hot either, because I don't know how much money he has.
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: sara
...Chug on That.
Drunk chick on raft: Hey, Mike*, would you love Kelly* more if she did a beer funnel?
Mike*, on another raft: We're married. I don't have to love her at all.
--Rafting Down Delaware River
Overheard by: twoferrets
Well I Was Going to Say "When It Comes to Reciting My Torah", You Ignorant Bastard.
Girl: I'm such a Jew when it comes to...
Boy, exasperated: Why can't you just say "frugal"?!
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
Except Freckles and His Friends, Which Is Really Tired
Girl #1: Oh wow, you got so many freckles today!
Guy: Why does everyone keep saying that? Do freckles come from the sun or something?
Girl #2: Um... yeah?
Guy: I just kinda thought they showed up. Like sometimes they're here, and sometimes they're not.
Girl #1: Um, no, it's not random. Like, I ate some cheese, so now I'm freckled.
Girl #2: Or, I'm really freckled cuz I'm tired.
--Paradise Beach, Mykonos, Greece
Overheard by: Jules
Details Available Upon Request
Girl to friends: I think the worst thing I ever smelled was my own breath.
--Weirs Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: glad I wasn't downwind of her
...We've Demuzed Ourselves with This Conversation Long Enough.
Girl #1: Yeah, it's totally going to be my de-mice.
Girl #2: De-mice?
Girl #1: De-meese?
Girl #2: What? Demise?
Girl #1: Whatever.
--Virginia Beach
Ugh, You Sound Like My Girl Scout Troop Leader.
Girl to friend: You just took four Clonazepam. How are you not having a good time?
--Luna Park, Coney Island
Our Only Option Is Pit-Scissoring
Girl on phone: Did you go to my car yet? (pause) Shit, I wanted you to grab my deodorant. (pause) You have deodorant? (disgusted pause) I'm not going to use deodorant you just scraped off yourself!
--Coney Island, New York
...Scientists Say.
Girl, shouting to friend 50 feet down the beach: You have a vagina!
--Smith Point Beach, New York
Talk About False Advertising
Bikini girl to older man: Yeah, he dumped her because she didn't put out. I mean, you're a high school guy, are you really going to stay with a girl who doesn't put out? Also, she kinda had a mustache.
--Morgan Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Kim
It's Time for the U.S. to Normalize Relations With Cuba
Bikini blonde #1: I'm not dumb, I'm on vacation.
Bikini blonde #2: The ocean makes me wet.
--Varadero, Cuba
Overheard by: beach ginger
Lust and Nausea War Within Me
Girl: He's a whore. He's a huge, huge, well-hung whore.
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
Given the Creatures With Whom I've Been Cohabitating
Girl to friend: I've been so tired and hungry lately.
Friend: Maybe you're pregnant.
Girl: That's not funny at all. I'm not pro-abortion or anything, but I'd have to terminate that quick.
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Brittany
Is Your Name Damien, by Any Chance?
Eight-year-old girl: Evil! The water is evil!
Older brother: Yippie ki yay!
--Mexico Beach, Florida
Overheard by: LULU
As Seen in La Vida Simple.
20-something girl: I can't believe I let my career go. I could have been the new Paris Hilton, but like Spanish. Caliente!
--Lincoln Woods State Park, Rhode Island
*Gasp*
30-something blonde: I was really calm, which is such a feat for me. Especially this day, since I had just bought an ice cream cone and the bottom of the cone was all soggy.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Sweedie
...As My Science Fair Project.
Petite and topless blonde: When I get my boobs done, I'm gonna like... Walk around school with my tits out all the time.
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: mar
Story Of My Life.
Mermaid to another: I'd be a lot less naked, but I just got sick of gluing seashells to myself.
--Mermaid Parade, Coney Island
Overheard by: shorty j
...But That Was So Anticlimactic!
Girl, after spilling white lotion on the ground: I didn't think it would come... Out.
--Tampa, Florida
Who Still Uses MySpace?
Scene girl to friend: Hey, Ana!
Friend, yelling: Call me by my MySpace name!
Scene girl, sighing: Fine. (pause) Hey, AnaAutomaticAssaultUnicorn!
--Tampa, Florida
Eh, You Don't Know Squat.
Guy to Dachshund: Sit!
Girl: He doesn't really need to sit, he is so close to the ground.
--Tampa, Florida
His Cologne? History Channel No. 5.
Elderly woman: You know your cousin Wyatt? He's into history as well. And he is positively obsessed with World War II. The Nazi regime, camps, he is an expert!
Girl: That's really creepy, grandma.
--Tampa, Florida
You Need to Stay Abreast Of These Things, Ashley!
Girl #1, playing Taboo and giving clues for "big brother": Ummm. I have two of them!
Girl #2: Hands? Eyes?
Girl #1: No! Um! Um! Big? Large?
Girl #2: Legs!
Girl #1: Oh my god!
--Newcastle, Australia
The Partial-Birth Ones Are to Die for
Girl to friends: You know what tastes great? Scrambled chicken abortions...
--Tampa, Florida
Her Father Is Data from Goonies
Guy to girl: I'm going set up booby traps round your house!
Girl to guy: Oooh, booby traps, I like the sound of that...
--Tampa, Florida
Here's Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to Explain
Girl #1: Dude, my retainer smells nasty!
Girl #2: Just put a little bleach on it.
Girl #1: Wouldn't that kill me?
Girl #2: Yeah, but it will make your teeth whiter.
--Tampa, Florida
Actually, Write Her a Nice Card Inviting Her to Do So.
Girl on cell: Suck a dick! Tell Vanessa to suck a dick too!
--Long Branch, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mr. Pacman and the Pacman Ghost
When the Game Show Network Merged With the History Channel
Girl to friend: I'm going to name one of my friends Jew and the other one Hitler, so it would be like Family Feud.
--Tampa, Florida
What's the Answer That Won't Have You Thinking I'm Gay?
Guy to girl: I have a wiener dog that is a pain in the ass!
Girl: Is that supposed to be a pun?
--Tampa, Florida
Actually, It Was a Great Party!
20-something girl on cell: The baby-changing room?! That's horrid!
--Interislander Ferry, New Zealand
Overheard by: Sally
Women's Locker Rooms Are Wasted on Straight Chicks
Petite blonde with small breasts: I have my own boobs... I don't care about anyone else's boobs.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
...And We're Coming from a Paula Abdul Tribute Concert.
Girl wearing bikini to group of girls wearing chunky sneakers, shorts with suspenders and bedazzled tank tops: Why are you guys wearing that?
Girl in group, nonchalantly: Cuz' we lookin' swagalicious.
--St. Joseph, Michigan
Can a Whole Country Have Down Syndrome?
Girl #1: Whenever I go to Europe I just say I'm Canadian and they don't get weird like they do if you say you're American.
Girl #2: No way I'm claiming to be Canadian! Have you talked to those people?
--Austin, Texas
Let Me Guess-- Whitney Houston Costume?
Teen to promoter throwing Halloween candy: Bitch, gimme somma dem fuckin' dots!
--West Palm Beach, Florida
Unlike All You Nasty Boys
Girl to friend: It's so hot. I'm icing my nipples, and they're not even getting erect.
--Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Yep, it's really that hot
I Love a Girl Who Can Handle Her Balls
70-year-old man at bar: I got prostate cancer back in the day, so I can lick 'em, but I can't dick 'em.
Almost legal girl: Oh? (laughs)
70-year-old man: You're very well-built for your age. (stares at girl's breasts) You wanna play pool with me?
--Palm Coast, Florida
How the High-Five Originally Developed
Girl on cell: Sometimes I just wanna beat you. Like, with my hand... Not my fist.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: SB
Does Education Make My Butt Look Big?
Girl #1: What's Obama's last name?
Girl #2: Umm... Barrack?
--Point Loma, California
Overheard by: Maya
On Jerry Springer It's Never Out
Girl on cell: Don't be worried! Incest is totally in this season.
--Tampa, Florida
It's a Wise Child Who Knows His Fatherland
Girl to guy: Yeah, my parents are from Denmark, I know, it's "Deutschland"... I'm Dutch.
--Hamilton Island Beach, Australia
Overheard by: JJ
...And That's How I Meet Most Of My Boyfriends.
Girl on bike to family on bikes, loudly: I said my arse hurts and he said "mine doesn't, I'm good at taking it!"
--Rottnest Island, Western Australia
Overheard by: Victoria
I'm Getting a Resurrection
Girl, drinking spiked hot chocolate: Oh my god, it's like Jesus died in my mouth!
--Arcata, California
Didn't Your Tax Forms Get Soggy?
Annoyingly loud blonde: You did it in the ocean?!
--Olde Angel Inn Pub, Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canadia
If Dr. Laura Owned PBS
Girl shouting to friends: Goldilocks! Stop sleeping in everyone's bed, you whore!
--Tampa, Florida
...With an Expandable Panel in Front.
Girl on phone: I have good news and bad news! The good news is I'm not pregnant. The bad news is I need new jeans!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Grossed out but laughing
There's No "U" in My Cunt, Pal
30-something Guido to pretty girl: Hey. I hear you're looking for a stud. I've got the STD, all I need is "u."
--Pacific Beach, California
Psh, Take All Those Rings Off and Come Talk to Me
Girl to boy: Damn, look at those calluses on your hands! Do you masturbate with sandpaper or something?
--Tampa, Florida
Why I Dropped Out Of My Cupcake-Eating Master's Program After Only Half a Semester
Guy: Why do you have a wooden fork?
Girl: First of all, because it's biodegradable; and second, it's hard to eat a cupcake.
--Sprinkles, Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: M
Your Editors Have Paid Extra for Titty Gum-- True Story
Guy: Hey, do you have any gum?
Annoying girl: Yeah, I do... You can't have this one, but you can have this kind. (pulls gum out of bra)
Guy: Ew! I don't want that! It's titty gum.
Annoying girl: It's not titty gum.
Brunette girl: You can have some of my gum.
Guy: Is it in your titties?
Brunette girl, looking down shirt. Nope.
Guy: Okay!
--Canadia
Way Too Old For You
20-something guy: Hey, how old are you?
Young girl: I'm fifteen.
20-something guy, looking over to friend: Exactly my point.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jenny
Better Than Carrot Top Last Week
Girl #1: Oh my god, that guy looks just like Kevin Spacey!
Girl #2: I told you he was stalking me...
--Lake Michigan Shoreline, Michigan
I Thought It Was a Floating Penitentiary
Guy: What's the capital of... Iraq?
Girl: Baghdad.
Guy: Lebanon?
Girl: Beirut.
Bimbo: Oh my god, how do you know all this? Have you been to these countries?
Girl #1: Yeah, because they're all such fun places to go visit...
Bimbo: I don't know any capitals except like Australia.
Guy: I'm sure you do, what about New Zealand?
Bimbo: That's a country?!
--Melbourne, Australia
Still Doesn't Explain Ted Kennedy, Though
Girl #1: Things happen for a reason, you know.
Girl #2: Yeah... It's probably good that I'm not rich. If I were rich, I'd be such a bitch!
Girl #1: Oh, I know! I'd still love you, but you'd be a total bitch.
Girl #2: Ugh... I can just hear me now: (total val voice) I'm going shopping! (normal voice) Ugh... My dad would spoil me.
Girl #1: I know! My dad too!
Girl #2: Our dads are too nice!
Girl #1: Maybe that's why god made them poor.
Girl #2: Yeah... He knew we'd be terrible people.
--Nathan's, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Wondering if I sound like this to other people
The Line Between Deep Tan and Deep Damage Is Hard to See
20-something girl: Oh my god! I have wrinkles in my cleavage!
--Adelaide, Australia
Overheard by: Oh No
If I'm to Believe Your Hand
Girl: Wait, so I'm cheating on you... with myself?!
Guy: Exactly!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
I'm Sure They Still Make De-Lousing Shampoo
Frat boy to girl walking by and ignoring him: Is it because of my hair? Cause I'll change that!
--Mission Beach, San Diego, California
Last Time, You Ended Up Ball-Gagged and Handcuffed to a Llama
Girl #1: I mean, why would he register as a Republican only to vote in the primary?
Girl #2: Ugh... Gross! You are not allowed to fuck a Republican!
--UCSD, California
Overheard by: Holiday
As for the Blood Drinking, You're on Your Own
Girl: I really wish I was a vampire, then I could suck people's blood.
Friend: (completely silent)
Girl: That was kinda creepy sounding, wasn't it?
Friend: Well, I mean, it's not a bad thing to like biting people, but it is kinda frowned on to mention it...
--Hawaii
Could You Just Put the Cake at the Bottom Of the Sugar Bag?
Thin girl ordering funnel cake: I want so much powdered sugar on it that I don't want to be able to see the dough!
--Ocean City, Maryland
The Same Thing Happens to Women
Trendy Asian chick: I've seen a lot of transvestites in my day, but only one with a beard.
Old, well-dressed Mexican man: He must have forgotten to shave.
--Newport Beach, California
You've Never Ordered from Papa Johannesburg's?
Girl #1: Who really invented pizza?
Girl #2: I think it was the Africans.
Guy: Africans? Come on, they're still not eating pizza.
--Mt. Clemens, Michigan
Overheard by: Lauren
Have You Tried Sleeping With Guys Who Like You?
Ugly overweight girl in unflattering bikini: Guys don't like you anymore after you've had sex with them.
--Belmar Beach, New Jersey
But If You Keep Drinking, They Refuse to Open at All
Betty Ford dropout: I hate it when you close your eyes and you feel the alcohol, but when you open them you don't.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Danny
They Pump in The "Surf" White Noise To Mute Conversations
Girl on cell: Mom, I can't talk right now, I'm in the library. (pause) Yes. (pause) No, I can't talk, I'm studying.
--Blemar Beach, New Jersey
What Would Your Social Life Be Without It?
Girl, noticing bird poop on leg: Oh, shit! Why do I always get pooped on?!
--Oval Beach, Michigan
Overheard by: Steph
My First Day As a Nursing Home Aide
Girl #1: Yeah, and then I threw a book and it hit her in the throat. I was like, "hi-ya!"
Girl #2: Oh, why didn't you text me afterwards?
Girl #1: I was busy because then I threw one at her stomach. "Hi-ya!" Times four!
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
So Narcissism...Makes Me Look Fat?
Girl #1: What do you say when people ask about me?
Girl #2: "She's a narcissistic freak."
Girl #1: What kind of narcissist am I?
Girl #2: (stares blankly)
Girl #1: A pretty oneee.
Girl #2: You want me to lie to you?
Girl #1: What?
Girl #2: Just kidding--you're not not pretty.
Girl #1: What?!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: You're saying I'm not ugly but I'm not pretty.
Girl #2: You're in limbo between pretty and ugly, so being mean to me makes you ugly.
--Kure Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Bee
Elizabeth: 0 Ice Cream Man: 1
Limping girl with bandages and arm in a sling: I dunno, he started driving away so I just grabbed on.
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Max
Hey, Jews Are More Than a Side Dish
Hot tan girl reading specials board: Does that say tuna and Jews?
Hot pale girl: Um, no. That says "with chips."
--Crazy Gringo, Weirs Beach, New Hampshire
Doesn't Your Watch Have an App for That?
Girl #1: I lost my fucking phone the other day.
Girl #2: Oh no, I hate when that happens.
Girl #1: I know, right? I never know what the time is now!
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne
Overheard by: Alex
My Cancer Never Forgets Me
Southern belle: If I had gotten on that boat, I would have met the man of my dreams. We would have had an amazing time and I would have fallen madly in love. Then I'd go back to Arkansas and he'd forget about me, just like all the rest of them.
Friend: Yeah... Need a smoke?
Southern belle: Yes! Do you have menthol? I love menthol.
--Fort Myers Beach, Florida
The Only Acceptable Place for a Jonas Brothers Poster
Trailer trash girl: Daddy, should I put this in the toilet or hang it on the wall?
Dad: In the toilet, of course!
--Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Helen Keller Didn't Know How to Make Herself Any Clearer
Girl #1: Because I'm not talking to him.
Girl #2: Oh, really? I didn't know.
Girl #1: Yeah, I'm not talking to him.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: Because I'm not talking to him.
Girl #2: Ohhhh.
--Cavehill, Barbados
John Merrick Works Out Obsessively
Girl #1: Look at that guy's head. It's so weirdly shaped.
Girl #2: Why does it do that at the back? Like, what's with the way it folds at the back?
Girl #1: Oooh, he has some nicely shaped biceps, though! Wow!
Girl #2: Yeah, he makes it obvious by putting his arms up like that to distract from his head.
Girl #1: He's totally doing that.
Girl #2: He's sitting there going, "hey ladies, don't look at my oddly shaped head. Look at my nicely shaped biceps instead." (pause) Hey, that rhymed.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Rachel
I Wrote It on My Hand at One Point, but It Washed Off!
Airhead girl, trying to pick up boys: Oh, you go to [name of college]. We go to [name of college right next to it]. (thinks) We're sophomores now, right?
Airhead girl friend: Yeah, I think so.
--Sunset Bay, New York
Overheard by: defsophomore
They're the Katie Couric Of Mammaries!
Hot girl to extremely fat guy transfixed by her boobs: What, are you comparing size? Shape? Cause mine might not be as big as yours, but they're far perkier.
--Uvongo Beach, South Africa
Overheard by: dizziebean
He Wouldn't Even Eat Me
20-something girl #1: So are you gonna go out with him again?
20-something girl #2: No. He's a vegetarian.
20-something girl #1: Well, you can change that.
20-something girl #2: No, he does it for like, moral reasons.
20-something girl #1: Oh. Ugh, no. Forget that, then.
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tara
Such a Small Area, So Many Problems
20-something girl #1, coming out of water: Oh my god! I got stage fright, I couldn't go.
20-something girl #2: Oh, there's Danielle!! (points down to beach)
20-something girl #1: As soon as she gets here we're going back in, I have to pee so badly!
20-something girl #2: Hey, Danielle!
Danielle: Ohmigod, you guys! My herpes burns so badly!
(all three walks into water)
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Sweedie
...Though I Guess the Cow Also Works.
Girl, handing beach towel to gay guy: Here. This one's for you cuz it's got fruit on it.
Gay guy: Oh, I'm sorry. Where's the one with a bitch on it for you?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: aoK
...Is This Milkshake in My Ears??
Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh... What?
Girl: Oh. Uh... what?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: tner
...With Another Personality.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he would be cute if he had better teeth.
Teen girl #2: Or a smaller nose.
Teen girl #3: He'd be cute if he was completely different.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Those Two Kidneys Were Just Unsightly
Teenage girl #1: To make a long story short, she was pretty pissed that they removed the wrong one.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah... But either way it was probably an improvement.
--Huntington Beach, California
Or "Horseshoe Crabs Aren't Fuckbuddies"
Girl to friend: Swimming without lifeguards is awesome. There's nobody to say, "hey, no splash fights", or "you can't have that fifth of vodka in the water!"
--Madison Beach, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Also Drinking
Gosh, I Miss Middle School.
Girl to friends on boardwalk: Were you there when that naked guy walked into the shower?!
--Jones Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: BGonz
Should All Jane Austen Novels Be Burned? Discuss.
Girl #1: Can you get promoted?
Girl #2: Well, right now I have like the highest position I can have, unless, like, I work my ass off and get promoted to another part of the company. But I'm just not that motivated. My goal is to just get married and not have to work.
Girl #1, laughing: Yeah, I think that's everyone's goal.
--Long Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tara
The Warden Won't Let Us Bring It Into the Prison
20-something girl: We can't make Eric a "sorry you got raped" cake anymore.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Australian Life, Encapsulated
Girl #1, in shade: Wanna go down to the water?
Girl #2: Sure!
Girl #2, in water: Wanna go back to the tree?
Girl #1: Yeah. I do.
--Sydney, Australia
...Until the Guy Who Hates Gays Showed Up.
20-something Hamptons girl: And it was like me and John, and then like ten other people we didn't know in this big house. It was like The Real World! And... it was awesome!
--Cupsogue Beach, Westhampton, New York
Overheard by: wondering where this story began
Tina Once Gave Her Phone Number to a Chimpanzee
16-year-old girl holding sand crab: Look! I found a frog... or something.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Ashley
I've Never Had a Boss Who Was So Tough to Swallow
Male boater to girl that always gets yelled at by the boss: So, are you thinking of doing this job again next summer?
Girl: Not if it means working for Rich. He's left a bad taste in my mouth.
--Lake George, New York
Join the Support Group
Girl to friend: I don't think I'm going to go into the water. I'm going out later, and sand in my crotch just makes me grumpy.
--Santa Monica Beach, California
Why Bars Play Loud Music: Explained
Spring breaker girls to group of 30-something guys: Hey, you guys want us to take your picture for you?
Guys: Huh?
Girls: Do you want us to take the shot?
Guys: A shot? Tequila? You girls like patron? Waitress! Shots!
Girls: Wow, that was easy...
--Key West, Florida
...Although We Still Won't Be All There.
Stoner girl to another: Man, I just sent her a text saying that we're there, because I figure by the time we get there we'll be there.
--Qualicum Beach, Vancouver Island, Canadia
A+
Girl with textbook: What's the capital of the United States?
Boy: Washington, DC?
Girl with textbook: How many eggs to a dozen?
Boy: 12?
Girl with textbook: Where are the Jews?
Boy: Long Island?
--New York
How'd It Get in Your Mouth Again?
Girl: I lost my butthole! Oh, wait, there it is!
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Misaki
Heidi Montag on the Set Of I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here!, in a Nutshell
Young girl, yelling: This isn't The Hills. This is real life!
--No Doubt & Paramore Concert, West Palm Beach, Florida
The Canadian Version Of The Hills Is Infinitely More Entertaining
Skinny drunk girl with dense philosophy textbook: I like peeing when necessary, I like peeing when unnecessary. Whenever, wherever. As long as I get arrested for it, that's all I ask. Is that too much to ask?
--Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Jericho
When You Know I'm Their Massage Therapist
Drunk girl: I can't believe you called me a bitch and told me not to touch your brothers.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mr. Awsome
Is Made Of Honor the Shittiest Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Girl to guy: So, wait, remind me again when you told me you were going to be a bridesmaid. I feel like I haven't been making fun of you enough for that.
Guy: It was a while ago.
Girl: Wow, I have some major mocking to do!
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
...Named After Him
Girl to friend walking down the boardwalk: Yeah, just keep in mind he does have an STD.
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: Hilary
...But I'm Not Sure What I'd Do for a Klondike Bar.
Bikini girl to friend: Yeah, I'd suck a dick for an iPod touch.
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
...And That's How the Revolutionary War Began.
Girl to friend: He was upset because she wouldn't let him cum on her face!
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
The Perils Of Early Childhood Exposure to Pinky and the Brain
Girl #1: Seriously, what are we going to do?
Girl #2: Take over the world?
--Boynton Beach, Florida
Florida Raises More Cattle Than Texas. True Story.
20-something girl, floating on waves: It's like riding a cowboy... I mean, a bucking bronco.
20-something friend: Or is it like riding a cowboy who's riding a bucking bronco?
--WindMark Beach, Florida
Wow, That Takes All the Glamour Out Of My Alcohol Abuse
Boy: You should have come out last night! It was the best pub crawl ever!
Girl: Yeah? Which pub crawl was it?
Boy's girlfriend, unimpressed: It wasn't a pub crawl. It was just him... going to a lot of pubs... by himself.
--Gold Coast, Australia
How to Say "Yes" in Californian
Girl: Are you going to go back to 24 Hour Fitness?
Guy: Gayness in my anus...
--Pacific Beach, California
Like I Don't Have Enough Star Trivia to Memorize?
Teenage girl: Rosie O'Donnell has multiple personality disorder.
Friend: I thought she was a lesbian.
--Starbucks, La Jolla, California
Overheard by: ...Which are mutually exclusive.
Now Oberlin Has to Let You In!
Teenage girl #1: And then I was all like, "I saw ducks!"
Teenage girl #2: God, that's such a stoner thing to say!
--Granite Bay, California
Overheard by: ducks are cool
I'm Hoping Sardines Are Happier in the Can Than in the Wild
Girl: Can fish die from loneliness?
--Lowestoft, England
Overheard by: Sarah
Here's a Status Report Form.
Girl: I think I'm horny... Maybe I just have to pee.
Friend: Go pee, then get back to me.
--San Diego, California
...in California
Trashy looking blonde, as two girls walk into a party: Ew, why are there smart people here?
--Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: smart people
...You're Ruining This Sex!
Girl: It's funny, when I first met you, you were a virgin, and now you fuck everybody!
Guy, whining: Shut up!
--Smith Point, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tom and Katie
You Need a Boyfriend, Lucille
Girl #1: You know what would feel really good?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: If you jizzed on my back.
--Oceanside Beach, California
...I'm Sally, by the Way.
Girl to boy: Look at the sea otters! So romantic! ...touch my breasts.
--Tacoma, Washington
...Just Like Dear Abby Recommends.
Girl to friend: Fuck me up the ass, just don't tell me you love me!
--Manitowoc, Wisconsin
He Was All, "Monkey See You, Monkey Do You"
Girl to friend: It was like crazy monkey sex... and then he just left.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: D
He'll Have His Own Travel Show Within Six Months
Man with thick Russian accent to group of dancing girls: Shake it, shake it!
(seriously) But do not break it.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Weirdest. Carnival Game, Ever.
Girl to surfer boy: If your dick is big as this ice cream I'll throw the ice cream in the trash and lick your dick!
--Santa Monica, California
As Befits a Vacation in Cumbria
Girl looking at others on beach: What freaks!
Guy: Emma, I'm waving a spatula and you're counting waves.
Girl: Logic accepted.
--St. Bees, England
That Was on Tuesday, Britney
Trendy overdressed girl: Oh my god, did you see all those teenagers lurking outside? They think they're so fucking cool! God!
Trendy overdressed guy: I know.
Trendy overdressed girl: It's like, ever since we turned 20, I can't believe we ever hung out with people like that.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: 22-year-old who's glad she never hung out with either of them
...and Some Change for the Pay Phone?
Hobo: Got any spare change?
Attractive girl: No, sorry.
Hobo: How about a phone number?
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: Amber
You Should Start a Support Group.
Drunk girl #1: Oh my god, now I know what you mean about hooking up on a beach.
Drunk girl #2: What?
Drunk girl #1: The sand...it gets everywhere!
Drunk girl #2: Oh yeah, it is like all in my hair and my purse.
Drunk girl #1: No... I mean *everywhere*.
Drunk girl #2: What?
(pause)
Drunk girl #1: I have sand in my vagina!
--Naples, Florida
One Of Prozac's Unfortunate Side Effects
Girl on the beach: The sand is burning my feet, and I love it!
Friend: There's bird crap on my beach chair, and I love it!
--Sanibel Island, Florida
This Year's Celebrity Apprentice Really Lacks Focus
Girl: So, I've finally decided what I want to do in life. I'm done with modeling. I am going to create a product, and sell it for charity.
Guy: Oh, that's cool. What's the charity?
Girl: I haven't decided yet. I'm still working on it.
Guy: Oh, okay.
Girl: I need to decide on the product too.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Over There's Where Jesus Rested with the Cross
Gangsta kid to girl, on date: You see this spot right here? This is where Forrest Gump...stopped runnin'!
Girl, in disbelief: No way!
--Ocean City Boardwalk, Maryland
Overheard by: Tyler
Key West Is Famous for Its Two-Legged Appetite Suppressant
Man with no pants to girls leaving bar: Leaving so soon?
Girl: Uh, yeah...we're hungry. We're gonna go get some food.
Man with no pants: Why? There's plenty of sausages right here!
--Garden of Eden Bar, Key West, Florida
Overheard by: K
Angry Sex Is What It Means in South Beach
Girl: Stop being so hostile.
Boy: I'm not, I'm just angry and annoyed. What does "hostile" mean?
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: HH
Florida's Well-Known for Its Cracker Production
Boy with pretty eyes: So I told her "porch monkey" is a racial slur.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yeah?
Boy with pretty eyes: And she says she doesn't know anybody named Rachel.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yes she does, her cousin's name is Rachel.
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
Not That Kind Of Package
Girl #1: I'm hungry, let's get crepes!
Girl #2: What's a crepe?
Girl #1, after pause: It's like a package made out of a pancake.
--Santa Barbara, California
I'll Take That Silence to Mean It's Been Your Lifelong Dream
Old short man: When was the last time you were with an old and short man?
19-year-old girl: (silence)
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Stephanie Wall
We Have Enough Imaginary Llamas to Deal with As It Is
Hot teen girl #1: Sexy llama come to mama. (throws imaginary lasso)
Hot teen girl #2 (caught in the imaginary lasso): Unce unce unce unce...yes.
Random lady to son nearby: See honey, this is why we don't eat magical mushrooms.
--Rehoboth Beach, Deleware
Overheard by: kevin
Saturn, for Instance, Has Universal Healthcare
Activist #1: Hey girls, want to save the world together?
Girl #1: Ummmm...
Activist #2: Do you like our planet?
Girl #2: Eh, I've been to better. Thanks, but no thanks.
--Seal Beach, California
Just Thanking Him for the Barbecue, Honey
Mom, holding bag of ashes: (whispers)
Girl: Mom, stop talking to dad! It's creepy.
--Huntington Beach, California
Then It Won't Bother You So Much When I Lick My Anus
Preppy girl: Just close your eyes and envision me as a black lab puppy.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Since You Can't Say, "Everything Looks Great on That Bitch"
Chick #1: You know what would be the hardest job in the world?
Chick #2: What?
Chick #1: To emcee a fashion show. Oh my god, that must be so hard.
Chick #2: Oh, yeah.
--Capitola, California
What? I Thought We Were Just Sharing Stuff
Bikini #1: What ocean is this beach on? Is it sad that I don't even know?
Bikini #2: No, I dunno either. I'm bad at history.
--Palm Beach, Florida
I'm Not Sure My Breasts Are Bouncy Enough for This
Girl in the ocean to onshore friend: Come out here! I'm like The Little Mermaid without Sebastian! I don't even have flounder!
Girl on shore: (shakes head no)
Girl in the ocean: Come on! You've seen Baywatch! Jog!
--Smith's Point, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Andi
Moral Of the Story: Next Time Get Too Wasted to Start Your Car
Blonde girl #1: I got a fucking DUI last night, can you believe that shit?
Blonde girl #2: Well, you *were* pretty drunk last night...
Blonde girl #1: So? Everyone else was, too!
Blonde girl #2: Yeah, but they weren't driving around everywhere.
--Isla Vista beach, Santa Barbara, California
Overheard by: just trying to study
But If That's the Theme Of Your Sweet 16...
Teen girl to giggly friend: Well, it's not my favorite thing to have that kind of shit in my mouth.
--Lido Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Alyssa
If Only There Was a Way We Could Both Get What We Want
Woman #1: Now you see that dude right there? That one in the green swim trunks.
Woman #2: Okaaaaay, yeah, I see him. The one with the red hair that's skimboarding?
Woman #1: Yeah, him. Now, I would so hook up with him. Look at those abs. Don't you just wanna run your hands all over him?
Girl slathered in tanning oil, staring at them: That's my boyfriend.
Woman #2: Oh. How long have you guys been going out?
Girl: Four months. What's it to you?
Woman #1: Just weighing our chances.
Girl: Chances of what?
Woman #2: Sleeping with him.
(girl makes disgusted noise and walks away).
Woman #2: Don' t worry, Shar. She's hideous. We'll follow them when they leave and the next time they go to a club or something, we'll hunt him down and get what we want.
Woman #1: We always do. Wait...which one of us gets to sleep with him? (they glance at each other, saying nothing) I've got a bigger rack.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: Matilda
A Lesson Every Proper Young Lady Must Eventually Learn
Girl #1: You need to learn to give off a "piss off" vibe. Follow my lead.
Girl #2 (to drunk groping her): If you fucking touch me one more time I'll cut off your balls!
Girl #1: Or just do that...
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Can't Be Hard to Find in a Bee Cup
Southern blonde to older, female family members: Aaaah, there's a bee in my titties!
(commotion ensues)
Sketchy guy, loudly: I'll look for it if you want.
--San Juan Beach, Puerto Rico
Which Is Why I'm Oddly Drawn to Starbucks Coffee
Drunk girl: I think I am sexually attracted to fire.
Sober girl: Yeah...let me know how that goes.
Drunk girl: It burns, but I gotta admit I love the smell of burning pubic hair in the morning.
--Gold Coast, Australia
You May Have to Steal Uncle Gadget's Hydrocar...
Blond overtanned guy: Wow, I would rather like to be laying on the beach in Spain right now!
Blond overtanned girl: Yeah, and we could like drive down to Mexico and stuff!
Blond overtanned guy: Hmm...no. You don't drive down to Mexico from Spain...
Blond overtanned girl: Oh! Wrong direction? Is it to the left?
--Nauthólsvík Beach, Iceland
Overheard by: the guy who wishes he wasn't blonde
...To Go with My Cocoa Butter.
Girl to friend: Can I have some of your penis jelly?
--Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Who Admits to Being a Hipster?
Girl: Do you hipsters wear glasses?
Boy: Only if it's not necessary.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Paperback Writer
And the KGB.
Girl: I'm really allergic to bugs, so that's why I'm scared of jellyfish.
--Destin, Florida
Overheard by: right, because jellyfish are just really big bugs
Otherwise Known As Britney's New Fragrance Believe
Girl: I like the smell of that. What is it?
Guy: Garbage.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: zsaint
By an Angel?
Girl #1 to girl #2 at concert, after girl #2 comes back from talking to band: Are you okay? You didn't get touched, did you?
--Walton Beach, Florida
You Always Jump Up and Down After Sex, Right?
Obnoxious girl #1: You must just have an abnormal period or something.
Obnoxious girl #2: Yeah, cause you're definitely not pregnant.
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: j and kris
As Depicted in Debbie Does Dorsal-Fins
Drunk guy to girl: Hey, heeeeey. Sometimes I think about dolphins.
Girl (annoyed): Okay...
Drunk guy: Yes! See, they have sex for pleasure, like humans.
(girl giggles and walks away with friends)
--Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia
Some People Collect Seashells...
Girl to two guys: Do you guys have a spare cigarette?
Guy #1: Yeah, here ya go. (gives her a cigarette)
Girl to guy #2: How about you?
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: lorax
"Have You Seen the Tranny Man, the Tranny Man, the Tranny Man?"
20-something girl: Guys, did you see the man in the woman's swimsuit over there?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, yeah, I saw him...
20-something girl: He has man legs...
Teen girl #1: But from a distance he could totally pass as a flat chick.
20-something girl: He can really pull it off, too. He has the hat and the glasses and everything.
Teen girl #2: Where's the tranny man? I want to see the tranny man!
--La Jolla, California
Overheard by: La Jollan
No, But Did I Say I Want to Go There?
Latina #1: I wanna go to Italy.
Latina #2: Girl, you don't even know how to spell "Italy."
Latina #1: Well...do you?
--Smiths Point, New York
Overheard by: suzz
National Geographic Cinematographers Break New Ground
Guy to girl: There's some drunk people over there. Don't look at them.
--La Jolla, California
Never Met a Simile Yet I Couldn't Swallow
Stoned nerd (talking about his sub order): I've got six inches!
Stoned girl: Lucky. I got the lesbian choice, a fuckin' sandwich. Cuz the sandwich is like a vagina and the sub is like a dick, ya know?
Stoned nerd: No, I totally understand. And I'm okay with that.
--Wawa, Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
A Poo-Poo Poltergeist, If You Will
Girl in bathroom stall: Eww, the pee on this seat is so bad I can't even wipe it up!
Friend: So don't sit on it.
Girl: I know, but I kinda wanted to poop...gotta do the lean, and it's gonna splash. Oh, wait, hmmmm... It's not there after all! It was a ghost poop.
--Rocks Off Concert Cruise, New York
Mom Hates the Cow Jokes, Y'know
Teen girl: What'cha doing, dad?
Father: Staring at the cow.
Teen girl (looking ahead): Where?
Father: In the water.
Teen girl (frantically looking at the sea): Where?!
Father: In my imagination.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: amused book-reader
But I Resisted the Urge to Put My Nose on Him
Dirty old man to visibly terrified 20-something girl next to him: You know, as of today I am no longer on probation. Yep. You look good in shorts. I'm wearing pants cause I had to go to court today. (stops to make phone call) Hey, it's Steven*! Not on probation anymore! (hangs up without saying goodbye, turns back to girl) Right over there is where I went to school. Ten years old, then I quit. Mom used to have a dry clean right over there. No more. Ya know, over that building's the one my buddy sold and now it's a Hard Rock Cafe. A Hard Rock Cafe! Some years ago I saw Peter, Paul & Mary there. Ya know them? I used to date Mary. Wanted me to go to [unintelligible] with her. Never been there to this day. Been to South America, Africa, all over! Never done go to [unintelligible]. Alright, well, take care! (he gets off bus)
No longer terrified 20-something girl to random girl: He smelled like cocaine!
--Express Bus, Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: mel
Should We Swim Out?
Punked out teenage girl #1 (looking at Monterey on the other side of the bay): What's that island over there?
Punked out teenage girl #2: Um, I think that's Japan.
Punked out teenage girl #1: Oh, yeah.
--Beach Boardwalk, Santa Cruz, California
Some Parents Will Do Anything to Motivate Their Kids
Girl: Ah! Julian's so bad at paying attention to me when we aren't having sex! Wait, did I say that out loud?
--Ocean City, Maryland
Thinks The Grapes of Wrath Is a History of the Welch Family
Chick, passing another reading Brave New World: That girl was reading a book about Columbus, I think.
--East Matunuck State Beach, Rhode Island
Overheard by: it's got a Savage, but no Columbus
I Thought You Were Talking About Those Tourist Locals
Guy #1: Let's go local hunting.
Hot girl: I don't want to go fucking local hunting.
Guy #2: You should, it's mad fun. We went to this local party once and got kicked out.
Guy #1: Yeah, but we got the number of this kid who lives here.
Ugly girl: Wait. People live here?
--Westhampton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Doesn't live there
No More Family Reunions for You, Missy
20-something girl #1: So everyone thinks that Nate gave Aric that hickey last night when they were joking around in the kitchen, and Brandon is kinda mad now, he already told Nate not to give other boys hickeys anymore.
20-something girl #2: Oh, poor Brandon, why does Nate do that?
20-something girl #1: Oh, that so wasn't what I was talking about, Nate didn't even do it!
20-something girl #2: What? How else would Aric have gotten it then? After the kitchen thing we all went to bed, didn't we?
20-something girl #1: Yes...
20-something girl #2: Wait, where did Aric sleep last night?
20-something girl #1: Um.
20-something girl #2: It was you! You hickeyed Aric! What are you, twelve?
--Sauble Beach, Ontario, Canada
Just When You Thought Only Dirty Things Happened on Fire Island...
Drag queen, dressed as a princess with a mop: Come in and have a drink! Best place around!
Straight girl: What are you cleaning?
Drag queen: Girl, it gets messy around here, can't you see? (proceeds to use mop on girl's glasses)
--Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: Cordelia
And Started Wearing Prada Loafers
Girl #1: So...plans for tonight?
Girl #2: Yeah, actually. I'm going out with Beto. He just moved to Niterói with his boyfriend.
Girl #1: Wait. What? His *boyfriend*? So he finally came out, eh?
Girl #2: Well...he didn't come out per se. He just said, "So, this is my boyfriend, Bruno."
--Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Used Diapers: the End of Many a Fantasy
Girl: Ooh, it's so pretty here...like on Lost!
Guy (stepping around litter): Yeah, complete with used diapers.
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: The Other
Yeah, Congratulations on Having Unprotected Prison Sex
Girl #1: Hey! I'm suprised you're even alive after last night!
Girl #2: Barely...and if Sharon realizes that there is a two-hour period where she doesn't know where Aaron and I were, Rikki's gonna be really mad... She's already mad and she has no idea what happened.
Girl #1: What? Why, what the hell happened when I went to bed?
Girl #2: Well, Sharon thinks Aaron and I were just cuddling since it was such a small bed we were sharing and that I just felt bad that he had to sleep on the floor, but Rikki is really convinced we hooked up.
Girl #1: Well, did you?
Girl #2: Obviously, but we were in Dan's room instead, so she doesn't even know what she's talking about... Wait, you're not mad I hooked up with him, are you?
Girl #1: God, no! I'm proud that you managed to do it in a cottage that small and no one knew! I was against your wall and I had no idea! High five!
--Wasaga Beach, Canadia
Overheard by: I'm Proud Too
Or We'll Kill You
Girl (pointing to sign on lifeguard tower): Hah! I thought that said "Dying is dangerous and prohibited" for a sec.
Guy: You're crazy. It says "diving!"
Girl: (pause) I know. But.. oh, whatever.
Lifeguard: Yes--we have a very strict policy... No dying!
--Corona Del Mar Beach, California
Overheard by: Dee
I'm Coming, but Not Coming Coming
Chick #1: So, yeah, he's still fuckin' with me... But not fucking fuckin' with me. Just with my head.
Chick #2: Oh, so he's not using his head to fuck with you. Just his other head?
Chick #1: Yep. You got it. It's a head fuck without the head.
Chick #2: Must be painful.
Chick #1: You don't fuckin' know the half of it.
--San Rafael, California
Overheard by: Head Games Suck, Or Not
The Semantic Golden Rule: Interpret Others As You Would Have Them Interpret You
Girl #1: I'm a literalist. If you say something to me, I'm going to take it literally. I'm also not a kidder. I do not kid.
--Coney Island, New York
But If you're offering, I'll be glad to take advantage of it
Girl #1 (as girl #2 drops towel around her waist): Showin' off the goods?
Girl #2: I don't need your sass mouth.
--Manhattan Beach, California
"Something About Mary" Just Made It To Australia
Ditzy blonde: Oh my god, Stuart, there is something gooey on my towel!
Stuart: Where did you get the towel from?
Ditzy blonde: Next to your bed.
Stuart: Oh, um...it must be hair gel!
--Terrigal, Australia