If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible

Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?

--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii

Overheard by: Responsible Tourist

Loss of Virginity's Contagious

[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!

--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!

At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals

Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.

--Jones Beach, New York

A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner

Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]

--South Beach Florida

How They Make the World's Most Expensive Coffee

Young boy: Look dad, somebody dropped some peanuts.
Male surfer: Sir, I wouldn't eat them, I think they came out of someone's rear end.
Young boy: So these are ass nuts? Awesome!

--Florence, Oregon

Overheard by: Johm

You Know You're Black, Right?

Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.

--Waikiki, Hawaii

Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time

Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.

--Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: Mykl

Now Imagine Lesley Gore Singing This

Guy #1: I can't believe you did that! How could you? After all this time! I thought I knew you!
Guy #2, very loudly: It's my butt and it's gonna be fucked if I want it to!

--Enseada Beach, Brazil

Overheard by: Natasha

Here's Some Chapstik

Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.

--Hilton Head, South Carolina

Overheard by: anna

You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God

Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.

--Santa Cruz, California

Dude, I Think She's Advertising!

Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.

--Padre Island, Texas

Think of Me As the Consumer Reports of Sex

Guy: Why did you tell *Veronica that I had a small dick?
Girl: Because you do.
Guy: You could have at least told her I know how to use it.
Girl: You don't!

--Discovery Bay, California

The "Hasselhoff Effect" in Action

Drunk man: [Bumps into girl and puts his hand around her to move her aside.] Sorry.
Girl: Eww! You're dirty!
Drunk man: C'mon, you know you like it!
Girl: Eww! [Drunk man walks away.] Call me!!

--Manhattan Beach, California

Overheard by: Snoog

God Does the Rest

Tourist: Where do they put the sand in the winter?
Local, sarcastically: Oh, they put it in bags and store it in the convention center.

--Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: OC local

Let Me Define My Terms

Old hairy guy: Welcome to the Pacific Ocean!
Dumb blonde: Huh? The ocean? I thought you said we were going to the beach!

--Beverly Beach, Oregon

Overheard by: please tell me she's kidding

I'd Never Forgive Myself If They Dented a Lexus

Muscle guy: Damn, that Lexus just hit that kid on a bike in front of Circle Pizza!
Blonde woman: Wait what? Was it one of mine?
Muscle guy: No, yours are jumping off the bridge.
Blonde woman: Oh, thank god.

--St Avalon, New Jersey

Overheard by: Himbo

All Up in Your Hoo-Hoo Zone

Seven-year old boy: Those boys over there are looking at you.
Bronzed teen sister in bikini: Oh really? [Looks pleased.]
Seven-year old boy: Yeah. I guess it's cause you have that weird sunburn.

--Liberia, Costa Rica

Worth a Try

Jock #1: Did you see him at the party last night? I mean, what the hell?
Jock #2: Dude, he's such a fag.
Jock #1: I heard he swallows.
Jock #2: What's his name again?
Jock #1: Eric.

--Ocean City, Maryland

Or Whatever That Stuff in the Tortilla Is

Fiftyish guy to wife: Just for that, I'm not gonna eat your pussy tonight.

--El Cid, Cozumel, Mexico

Yet Another Reason to Love the Beach

Guy: It smells like pussy out here!
Girl: It smells like you're gonna have to find someone else to give your ass a ride home.

--Bixby Knolls, Long Beach, California

Overheard by: Armando

Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?

Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!

--Bondi Beach, Australia

Overheard by: GGary

I Didn't Slap You, I High-Fived Your Face

Dude: I didn't steal the Bentley. I hijacked it.
Girl: [Slaps him.]

--Oean Isle, North Carolina

It Swam Right in Front of My Car

Husband, excited at seeing a washed up, dead whale: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer? Well, wait 'til you see this!

--Fernandina Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Katred

Like a Computer, Baby!

20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?

--Boat, Boston Harbor

Overheard by: Deck Hand

He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal

Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.

--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

What'd We Tell You About Crying That, Peter?

Man, hearing seagulls: Wolves!

--Upper Hutt, New Zealand

Overheard by: Schmitty

The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut

40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!

--La Jolla, California

Overheard by: Confetti Bomb

The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch

Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!

--Paradise Island, The Bahamas

Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer

Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once

Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!

--Playa Del Rey, CA

I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?

Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!

--Robert Moses, New York

Overheard by: Zep

No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese

Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.

--Virginia Beach

This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been

Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?

--Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Ilyse

And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes

Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.

--Rockway Beach, NY

Shoulda Trimmed the Beard

Guy: Does my face smell like vagina?
Girl: I doubt it [sniffs his face]. Well, maybe a little.

--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

She's Never Going to Let That One Go

Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!

--Jones Beach, New York

Overheard by: JD

Then It Would Be Lake Superior

Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.

--Old Orchard Beach, Maine

Overheard by: shawshank

We'd Be Grifting on the Midway

Tank-topped boardwalk guy to friend: We're a different breed. If we were any closer to circus folk...

--Seaside Heights Boardwalk, Jersey Shore, New Jersey

Overheard by: twoferrets

And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!

Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!

--Ocean City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Rafaela

Just Wait 'til Prom, Buddy

Teen boy, looking at boogie board: Oh, man... My nipples are gonna get it.

--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: Kate H

They Never Listen, Though

Guy: I'm coming! I'm coming! Be gentle!

--Through a motel wall, Cape May, New Jersey

No, My Family Comes to See Me

Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah... And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?

--Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut

Overheard by: Forgot my iPod

[Sigh] I Jack Off to Ideas a Lot

30-ish guy #1: I see you're sporting the side ponytail.
30-ish girl: Just for you!
30-ish guy #2: Yeah, I bet you're gonna jack off to that side ponytail.
30-ish guy #1: No! I jack off to the idea of the side ponytail. They're coming back, I tell ya!

--Summerfest, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: the only sober person there

And Stay Out of Iowa

Black guy playing drums, smiling at toddler nearby: Hi, sweetie. What you thinkin'? [Passing white lady tourist takes picture, and black guy frowns.] I respect you, too! Do I take a picture of you at the insurance office in Iowa?!
White lady tourist: Well, I--
Black guy: --Step off, bitch! [Turns back to little girl] Don't grow up to be like her, baby girl.

--Venice Beach, California

Overheard by: This place sure has changed since the 80s

Bush Surrendered Cheney Almost Immediately

Man: ... So I just walked out of there with two heads of cabbages and a hand full of cash... And I walked up to him and said, 'Give me that goat!'

--Restaurant, Mammoth, California

Jonathan Richman: Hey, He Was Never Called an Asshole!

Skater punk to another: Dude, seriously, fuck Picasso.

--Venice Beach, California

Trevor Begins to Have Trouble Sleeping

Guy: There is nothing worse than having sand in your crotch.
Girl: What about a machete in your crotch?

--Sydney, Australia

Translation: They Have the Best Coke

Dude #1: So, whatever happened to that stripper you were dating?
Dude #2: It's over. I think it's a bad idea to date strippers. You realize there's a good reason they're strippers, then it fucks it up every time you go back. It's like, you look at these hotties and imagine all the possibilities, but now, after dating enough strippers, you realize the possibilities include consoling her drunk ass as she cries about being abused as a child while she lines up another rail of coke, then tells you her secret fantasy is to see you get nailed in the ass by another dude!
Dude #1: I still want to date one.
Dude #2: ... Yeah, they're fun.

--LaHaina's, Mission Beach, California

Overheard by: sean

Or Worse, in the Crushing Boredom of Marriage

Guy #1: Man, just seeing all these couples together just makes it worse, you know?
Guy #2: Yeah, I hear you. I'm sorry...
Guy #1, shouting at passing couples: It's all gonna end in tears!

--Huntington Beach, California

Overheard by: Higgins

Where's Jonah, Anyway?

20-ish guy: I looked over at Sharon and didn't think she had any bottoms on. Then a wave lifted up her stomach, and I saw that she did.

--Old Lyme, Connecticut

Overheard by: Ann

Could the World Continue in My Absence?

14-year-old boy, looking at tide chart: Dude, I don't get it! High tide is at 9:55 p.m., but this place closes at eight!

--Crescent Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Kevin and Elissa

Willing to Take Responsibility for His Actions, but Unable to Remember Them

Dude in hot tub: Wait, we didn't do it? So we aren't in trouble?!

--Carnival Ecstasy cruise

On Landlines, Mostly