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You Get to Be the Girl Tonight
Random guy in middle of large group of male friends: Ah, man! And my nipples just got like so hard right now.
Friend: Dude, man! They totally did! (chorus of laughter as they walk away)
--Fort Walton Beach, Florida
...So the Cast Of the Real World Is Out.
Guy: We need servers who are nice, polite, legal, and will pass a drug test.
--Miami, Florida
Well, It Seems Like the Appropriate Thing to Do.
Girl #1: Can you stop touching your junk in front of me?
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #2: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #1: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #3: Can we touch each other's junk?
Boy, girl #1 and #2: What?
--Deerfield Beach
Florida
Brown?
Guido: I really wanna get a tan today.
Bored girl: Sure.
Guido: Do you think there's enough sun to get a tan today?
Bored girl: I don't know. Maybe.
Guido: Will going in the water help me get a tan?
Bored girl: It might.
Guido: I really wanna get tan.
Bored girl: So where are you going to college?
--Coney Island
...And, to Be Fair, I Now Know More About Female Anatomy Than You'll Ever Know
Boy: Man, I can't believe she's studying, on a Sunday! What a loser.
Girl's voice, yelling from inside house: I can still hear you...
--Gold Coast, Australia
I Thought Your Girlfriend's Name Was Claire?
Dude #1: Bro, you want a beer?
Dude #2: Nah, I'm not drinking for Ramadan.
--Auckland, New Zealand
If It Could Only Talk, What Stories It Could Tell
Beach guy to bikini girl: I'd bend over, but my arse hurts too much.
--Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: Felicity
Rivers Of Chocolate Are So Gangsta
Guy: Fuckin' Wonka?
Girl, watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Yeah man, the orig.
--Dundas, Canadia
At the Ignorant American Semifinals
Boy #1: What's a turban?
Boy #2: It's what terrorists wear.
Boy #1: Is that common knowledge? (ties beach towel around his head)
--Bridgehampton, New York
Overheard by: CCW
A George Clooney Movie and Half a Pint Of Ben and Jerry's?
Girl: Let's eat here, it's better value.
Boy: More satisfying?
Girl: No. What satisfies me, they don't sell here.
--Sushi Bar, Gold Coast, Australia
...But, to Be Fair, There Are Douchebags Everywhere.
Big burly tattooed Bostonian man: They found 'em in Jersey and Lake Michigan.
--Cape Cod Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Nancy and Andrea
Gatorade Grows on You.
Guy: This tastes like nuclear horse piss!
--Jones Beach Theater, New York
...I'm Writing a Letter to My Congressman.
Young 20-something guy, while texting: Is tranny spelled with one "n" or two?
--Ferry, Fire Island, New York
I'm Going to Med School
Girl to boy showing a picture: This is for Valentine's Day.
Boy: Umm... That's really disturbing, is it a bouquet of penises?
Girl: It's not disturbing! It's for Valentine's. (pause) Wait, did you just say "penises"?
--Tampa, Florida
All Of Their Family Photos Were Incredibly Grainy
Girl, as brother attempts to bury her in the sand: Why am I the one who gets to be buried?!
Boy: Cause no one wants to see you. Now lie down!
--Balm Beach, Ontario, Canada
Shit, How Much Is That Gonna Cost Me?
Mechanic, returning car: I got a wireless cable.
--Wildwood Crest, New Jersey
Especially Not My Webcam Viewers
Person #1: I don't want to go in the water.
Person #2: Why? We came all the way to the beach...
Person #1: It's cold in the water.
Person #2: You were the one that wanted to come.
Person #1: Yes, but I didn't want to go in the water.
Person #2: Why ever not?
Person #1: There are crabs in the water. I don't want people to think I'm promiscuous.
--Plymouth Beach, Virginia
Point Taken
Meathead: Dude! Your trunks, they're too short.
Hot dude wearing 80s trunks: Dude! This is America, I can wear whatever I want.
Meathead: This is not America. This is New Jersey!
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
I'm Your Wife, Bob.
Magician to middle-aged woman: Put your pointer fingers out, and point them about five inches apart. (woman does, but it looks more like three inches) I don't know what guy told you that was 5 inches...
--Carnival Valor, Caribbean Sea
...Um, for the Dogs, I Mean
Guy, looking at girlfriend's dog sniffing another dog: Dog breeding is awesome!
--Newport Pier, Newport Beach, California
Um, Aren't You Guys Supposed to Be Saying Your Vows?
Beach wedding guest #1: Why is it so fucking hot here? Don't they have any shade for us to sit under?
Beach wedding guest #2: This better be fast. They don't want me all sweaty at the reception.
Beach wedding guest #1: Fucking Florida. I can't wait to get back to Michigan. And real weather.
--Captiva Island, Florida
Although My Wife May Disagree
50-something to friend: I've been married so long I can row a boat with a rope.
--Horseshoe Beach, Florida
Ugh, Those Terrorists?
20-something girl, talking about new guy she's dating: Yeah, he's kind of indie.
20-something guy: So is his dick dark brown?
20-something girl, after a long pause: Not Indian! Indie!
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard by: Josh M.
Won't Stop Her from Giving You Shit.
Guy to woman: I'm not going to have a nervous breakdown like you did, and I'm not going to have irritable bowl syndrome like John. I'm going to visit mom less often.
--Manhattan Beach, New York
NewsFlash: "Whence" Makes Comeback. Film at 11.
20-something male, chasing after another with driftwood: Go back to the sea from whence you came!
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Tonight, on Little People, Big Whores...
Hobo in wheelchair to boys skating: Bend over!
Boy: If you were tall enough...
--Santa Monica, California
I Blame All the Retirees Who Move Here
Driver, turning off radio and looking back: You know you live in a shitty neighborhood when you can't tell if the sirens are coming from outside or your gangster rap cd.
--Sulphur Springs, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Killsborough
...Now, on to the Next Topic: My Muscles!
Teen guy, to group of pretty girls: Oh my god, that wave was 6 foot 4. That's my height, I'm 6 foot 4!
--Cornwall, England
Overheard by: Beth
Even Dick Sucking?
Furious teenage boy to other teens: Just because you call "no-homo" before you do something doesn't mean it's not gay!
--Coney Island, New York
Where Reality Show Contestants Come From: Explained.
20-something guy: If someone offered you a thousand dollars to let them break your leg, would you say yes? I would. I'd say "hell yeah, break that shit in half!"
--Siesta Key, Florida
Ad: "Are You Irish Sprung?"
Drunk Spanish rock dude: This soap, it smells like penis.
--Santander, Spain
Overheard by: Murray
...With Genocide at a Close Second.
Sunbathing guy: You know what sucks? Thinking you're more tan than you actually are.
--Ocean City, Maryland
How You Know That Phrase Has Officially Peaked
Loud man on cell, walking across bridge: So I just said, "I want it all! I want to see it all!"
60-year-old woman to teenage granddaughter: That's what she said.
--Balboa, California
Why Flare Guns Are So Popular in Canadia
Man #1, hanging up cell: By the volleyball net? You can't find anyone at this beach by telling them "I'm by the volleyball net." That's like going downtown and telling someone "I'm by the pizza place."
Man #2: Or, "I'm by the hobo."
--Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: Emimac
Water Does Things to Swimwear Against Which Mere Netting Is Powerless
Young guy in floral: Are you supposed to wear underwear under these things?
Friend in plaid: I mean, you don't have to... but I do.
--Robert Moses, Long Island, New York
And I Prefer "Gentleman's Gentleman"
Guy to another: I'm a man-loving man, man! Stop calling me a fag!
--Venice Beach, California
Overheard by: scrapes
The Ringside Judges Have Me Ahead on Points
Man on cell: Yeah, Paul* and I aren't friends anymore. He used my credit card and owes me $4000. Plus, it probably doesn't help that I've been having sex with his mom... repeatedly.
--Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Amused Passenger
What Happens When You Watch the Discovery Channel While High
Bro to another: It's the government, bro. They're putting LSD in our oceans.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: mar
Hope She's Worth It
Guy #1: Wait... When are you getting circumcised, bro?
Guy #2: Tomorrow.
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
That's Stupid-- Squirrels Can't Drive
Guy #1: He had his keys on the table, and a squirrel took 'em.
Guy #2: Hehehe!
Guy #1: A squirrel!
--Pacifica, California
Overheard by: M.E.
...Chug on That.
Drunk chick on raft: Hey, Mike*, would you love Kelly* more if she did a beer funnel?
Mike*, on another raft: We're married. I don't have to love her at all.
--Rafting Down Delaware River
Overheard by: twoferrets
Well I Was Going to Say "When It Comes to Reciting My Torah", You Ignorant Bastard.
Girl: I'm such a Jew when it comes to...
Boy, exasperated: Why can't you just say "frugal"?!
--Atlantic City, New Jersey
Except Freckles and His Friends, Which Is Really Tired
Girl #1: Oh wow, you got so many freckles today!
Guy: Why does everyone keep saying that? Do freckles come from the sun or something?
Girl #2: Um... yeah?
Guy: I just kinda thought they showed up. Like sometimes they're here, and sometimes they're not.
Girl #1: Um, no, it's not random. Like, I ate some cheese, so now I'm freckled.
Girl #2: Or, I'm really freckled cuz I'm tired.
--Paradise Beach, Mykonos, Greece
Overheard by: Jules
For Some Reason, I Couldn't Stop Sweating
Boy to friend: When she called I was in my room, naked, blow drying my body.
--Jones Beach, New York
Like, for Instance, Why They Call Me "Wolf Breath"
Man outside single bathroom door: Wolf breath, what are you doing in there?
Woman, from inside bathroom: What the fuck do you think I'm doing in here? What the fuck do you do in the bathroom?
Man outside bathroom: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli
My Love for Him Burns Long and Strong
Man to friends: He's a pyromaniac from way back.
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Bonnie
Internet Porn: Explained
Guy on bus to friends: So the longer those titties were in front of me, the happier I became.
--Brisbane, Australia
...According to Fun Facts About Body Hair Quarterly
Guy on cell: It's not gay if you use tweezers.
--Tampa, Florida
Aw, Don't Get Sore at Her.
Guy: So I went to the party last night... and she gave me a BJ. Told you I was beast.
Friend: Well, she has herpes, so you should get tested.
Guy: That whore!
--Holden Beach, North Carolina
It Was at Once Zesty and Explosive!
Older guy: We had dinner there earlier in the week. I got food poisoning.
Young kayaking guide: Really? Was it good?
--York Beach, Maine
...That's How I Met You.
30 something guy standing at bar: So she asked me if I had ever slept with a stripper.
Friend: What did you say?
30 something guy: I told her the truth... I said "yeah, I slept with a stripper, of course."
--Austin, Texas
Eh, You Don't Know Squat.
Guy to Dachshund: Sit!
Girl: He doesn't really need to sit, he is so close to the ground.
--Tampa, Florida
Her Father Is Data from Goonies
Guy to girl: I'm going set up booby traps round your house!
Girl to guy: Oooh, booby traps, I like the sound of that...
--Tampa, Florida
What's the Answer That Won't Have You Thinking I'm Gay?
Guy to girl: I have a wiener dog that is a pain in the ass!
Girl: Is that supposed to be a pun?
--Tampa, Florida
Florida Girls Are, Well, Different
Sailor #1, in bathroom: Ew! I saw your dick!
Sailor #2: Ew! You wish!
--Pensacola, Florida
Overheard by: disturbed roommate
That's Australian for "I'd Do You"
Tan guy jogger listening to iPod, shouting: Happy birthday!
Fit lady jogger listening to iPod, shouting: Thanks!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
It's a Wise Child Who Knows His Fatherland
Girl to guy: Yeah, my parents are from Denmark, I know, it's "Deutschland"... I'm Dutch.
--Hamilton Island Beach, Australia
Overheard by: JJ
Hence My Invasion Of Your Sudetenland
Guy: My dick has no boundaries.
--Miami, Florida
The One Who Wrote Me This Stinging Letter
Man, ranting: ...and then there's the fucking chicken!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: I always have that problem...
There's No "U" in My Cunt, Pal
30-something Guido to pretty girl: Hey. I hear you're looking for a stud. I've got the STD, all I need is "u."
--Pacific Beach, California
Psh, Take All Those Rings Off and Come Talk to Me
Girl to boy: Damn, look at those calluses on your hands! Do you masturbate with sandpaper or something?
--Tampa, Florida
Every Buddy Film, Encapsulated.
Guy standing at window: I love tit-ass!
Guy on boardwalk: Fuck yeah!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Roomate
Why I Dropped Out Of My Cupcake-Eating Master's Program After Only Half a Semester
Guy: Why do you have a wooden fork?
Girl: First of all, because it's biodegradable; and second, it's hard to eat a cupcake.
--Sprinkles, Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: M
Your Editors Have Paid Extra for Titty Gum-- True Story
Guy: Hey, do you have any gum?
Annoying girl: Yeah, I do... You can't have this one, but you can have this kind. (pulls gum out of bra)
Guy: Ew! I don't want that! It's titty gum.
Annoying girl: It's not titty gum.
Brunette girl: You can have some of my gum.
Guy: Is it in your titties?
Brunette girl, looking down shirt. Nope.
Guy: Okay!
--Canadia
Way Too Old For You
20-something guy: Hey, how old are you?
Young girl: I'm fifteen.
20-something guy, looking over to friend: Exactly my point.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: jenny
And What Exactly Do You Sell Again?
Man, answering phone: Talbot Street Watersports, how may I help you?
Customer: Oh, what street are you on?
Man: Still on Talbot Street.
Customer: Oh, good... I was just checking.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC Rocket
I Thought It Was a Floating Penitentiary
Guy: What's the capital of... Iraq?
Girl: Baghdad.
Guy: Lebanon?
Girl: Beirut.
Bimbo: Oh my god, how do you know all this? Have you been to these countries?
Girl #1: Yeah, because they're all such fun places to go visit...
Bimbo: I don't know any capitals except like Australia.
Guy: I'm sure you do, what about New Zealand?
Bimbo: That's a country?!
--Melbourne, Australia
Plus It Helps Wash Down the Sand.
Male: Your kid is eating the sunscreen.
Female: It's okay, he's bright on the inside. It's good for him.
--Pacific Beach, California
...While I'm Asleep
Guy #1: What's going on? The sun went down but it's still raining?
Guy #2: Dude, why would the sun going down make it stop raining?
Guy #1: No, it totally does! It never rains at night.
--Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Matt
STI's Don't Discriminate, Dear Reader
Hot 20-year-old guy #1: I'm still dripping.
Hot 20-year-old guy #2: Dude, you banged that chick like a month ago and you're still dripping?
Hot 20-year-old guy #1: Dude, duh! She was Latina!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Maybe They'll Shame Me Out Of My Little Hissy Fit
Guy on cell: Dude, you gotta come down here...I'm about to jump in the ocean and scream at the universe and I want you to help me! (pause) Okay, yeah, send the brown people down.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Belinda Calls 'em As She Sees 'em
Guy standing in front of store: I can't believe it! That little girl just said "asshole"! I can't believe it! (gestures at two-year-old inside parked car)
Little girl: Asshole!
Guy: I can't believe it that little girl said "asshole" again!
Mother: Ni-iiice.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: ISPgypsy
If I'm to Believe Your Hand
Girl: Wait, so I'm cheating on you... with myself?!
Guy: Exactly!
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Yes, We Have a Huge Dish
Teen girl #1 to cute boy: Wow, you're from Romania?
Teen girl #2: Do you have, like, MTV Asia?
--Avalon, New Jersey
I Can Tell Because It Is Still Full
Cop, pointing to trash can filled rim with beer and alcohol bottles: Are all of these yours?
Tall man, pointing to one lone bottle: Well, that one's not mine.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Another Fake Place
Guy #1: You're from Kazakhstan? Isn't that where Borat is from?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: I thought that place was fake. I didn't know it was a real place.
Guy #2: Borat is from England.
--Miami Beach
Just Brain Cells? Whew!
Guy on cell: Did you just say you killed somebody?!
--Waikiki, Hawaii
Overheard by: gavin
I Keep All Mine in My Pants
Drunk guy yelling in hallway: I know I've been drinking all day, but you're the one that doesn't got their shit together!
--Huntington Beach, California
I've Also Decided I'm an Elderly Asian Woman This Week
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm on the beach. I told you, I'm in the Caribbean this week.
--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: debbie downer
Drools a Lot, Though
Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, "my nipples don't argue."
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Overheard by: raerae
They're the Katie Couric Of Mammaries!
Hot girl to extremely fat guy transfixed by her boobs: What, are you comparing size? Shape? Cause mine might not be as big as yours, but they're far perkier.
--Uvongo Beach, South Africa
Overheard by: dizziebean
Raise Your Hand If You're Sick Of Eminem
Sweaty dude on boardwalk: I wrote a poem the other day. Wanna hear it?
Sweaty female companion, jogging away: Aw, hell no!
--Tampa, Florida
Is It My Turn to Talk?
Old fisherman: Don't be tanglin' your lines up with mine, son!
Younger fisherman: You want a beer?
Old fisherman: I saw a UFO fly right under that bridge one time.
Younger fisherman: You need a haircut.
--Creaky Dock, Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
...Is This Milkshake in My Ears??
Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh... What?
Girl: Oh. Uh... what?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: tner
Just Breathe a Little Water and We're Good
Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn't have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin' someone in the ding-dong ain't gonna kill them.
Man: It might.
--Destin, Florida
I Think They Still Get Points for a Liver-Stab, Jimmy
Dude #1: Wouldn't it be cool if you could just get surgery to switch your heart and, say, your liver?
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: Then, if someone came up to you and said, "I'm gonna stab you in the heart!" you could be like, "I'd like to see you try!"
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Suprchick
Now I'm Objectifying Older Women Like a Pro!
Guy to another: Dude! I had to google "milf", I didn't know what it meant!
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Maybe Slip Through a Crack in the Space-Time Continuum
Guy to friend, in thick New York accent: Let's go on the cyclone and get the fuck outta here!
--Coney Island
Overheard by: Preston
I've Never Had a Boss Who Was So Tough to Swallow
Male boater to girl that always gets yelled at by the boss: So, are you thinking of doing this job again next summer?
Girl: Not if it means working for Rich. He's left a bad taste in my mouth.
--Lake George, New York
...Which Was My Way Of Asking You to Marry Me.
Worker #1: Did you just fart?
Worker #2: No, I belched.
--Solana Beach, California
Why Bars Play Loud Music: Explained
Spring breaker girls to group of 30-something guys: Hey, you guys want us to take your picture for you?
Guys: Huh?
Girls: Do you want us to take the shot?
Guys: A shot? Tequila? You girls like patron? Waitress! Shots!
Girls: Wow, that was easy...
--Key West, Florida
There's Nothing Like Nature to Bring Families Closer Together
Canoeing dad, looking back: I think we lost William entirely.
Canoeing guy: Who's Tyler?
--Blue River, Milltown, Indiana
Wasn't This an Episode Of SVU?
Man on cell: Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady.
--Marine World, Vallejo, California
Overheard by: Keena Burt
A+
Girl with textbook: What's the capital of the United States?
Boy: Washington, DC?
Girl with textbook: How many eggs to a dozen?
Boy: 12?
Girl with textbook: Where are the Jews?
Boy: Long Island?
--New York
They're All "If the Capitol Building's a Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'!"
Dramatic guy to woman at seaside restaurant: DC? Washington, DC, did you ask? DC is a fuckfest!
--Provincetown
Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Unlike Those Adult Babies Who Give You Giant Scars
60-something naked man: Yeah, but he was born at a very young age too.
--Sunny Isles, Florida
Overheard by: Kris
Some Punitive Swimming Lessons Are in Order
Guy holding small boy: Well, I don't think it's funny when you do things that you don't do!
--Presque Isle, Erie, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
Was Matthew McConaughey's Surfer, Dude the Worst Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Guy with board, about water: It's flatter than my abs out here!
--Perdido Key, Florida
Translation: the Ocean Scares Me
Young black male: Yo, I wish this was an urban beach. Like Chicago.
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
Or Maybe I'm Just Hungry.
Macho 20-something guy to macho friends: Hmm, I don't know. I'm just feeling a little bi-curious today.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: roxana
Is Made Of Honor the Shittiest Movie Ever Made? Discuss.
Girl to guy: So, wait, remind me again when you told me you were going to be a bridesmaid. I feel like I haven't been making fun of you enough for that.
Guy: It was a while ago.
Girl: Wow, I have some major mocking to do!
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
To Be Fair, What American Would?
Woman, putting lotion on man's back: How long have your parents been married?
Man: A long time: 25 or 30 years...
Woman: So your parents got married after you were born?
Man: No.
Woman: But you're 40! Okay, now you're scaring me. I just spilled half the bottle of lotion on your back. That would be 3.5 ounces. I'd explain it to you but you wouldn't understand.
--Fort De Soto Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ishkabibble
I've Tried Walking It Off Without Success
Guy on cell: I don't know, it may just be the chlamydia talking, though.
--Destin, Florida
Flicker Pictures? The Silver Screen? I'm With Ya.
Guy #1: Do you like movies?
Guy #2: Movies? Oh yeah, movies!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: tori
Wow, That Takes All the Glamour Out Of My Alcohol Abuse
Boy: You should have come out last night! It was the best pub crawl ever!
Girl: Yeah? Which pub crawl was it?
Boy's girlfriend, unimpressed: It wasn't a pub crawl. It was just him... going to a lot of pubs... by himself.
--Gold Coast, Australia
How to Say "Yes" in Californian
Girl: Are you going to go back to 24 Hour Fitness?
Guy: Gayness in my anus...
--Pacific Beach, California
Your Editors Predict Big Things for That Soft Drink
20-something guy, screaming to total stranger: My dick is, like, totally swollen, bro!
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Nic
...I Just Use This One to Reach It
Small child, screaming: Do you have a boat?
Man in giant boat off shore: Yes.
--North Carolina
Overheard by: jen
Four Being the Tipping Point for Homosexuality
Naked guy #1: My girlfriend thinks it's weird that you and I come here every weekend.
Naked guy #2: Why? Did you tell her Mike and Rob come too?
Naked guy #1: Nah dude, I don't want her to think we're gay.
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
...You're Ruining This Sex!
Girl: It's funny, when I first met you, you were a virgin, and now you fuck everybody!
Guy, whining: Shut up!
--Smith Point, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Tom and Katie
...You Could Almost Ignore the Missing Teeth
Bro to another: Tequila out of her nipples, and...
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Ladle
...I'm Sally, by the Way.
Girl to boy: Look at the sea otters! So romantic! ...touch my breasts.
--Tacoma, Washington
Sometimes the Cure's Worse Than the Disease, Though
Beach guy #1: We need to find some slutty girls tonight.
Beach guy #2: Yeah, sluts are great for hangovers.
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jellyfish Jaq
For God's Sake, I'm Starting to Think, Here!
Man, to himself: I wish we were back at the condo so I could watch tv. I can only sit here and watch nothing for so long.
--Fripp Island, South Carolina
He'll Have His Own Travel Show Within Six Months
Man with thick Russian accent to group of dancing girls: Shake it, shake it!
(seriously) But do not break it.
--Brighton Beach, New York
As Befits a Vacation in Cumbria
Girl looking at others on beach: What freaks!
Guy: Emma, I'm waving a spatula and you're counting waves.
Girl: Logic accepted.
--St. Bees, England
That Was on Tuesday, Britney
Trendy overdressed girl: Oh my god, did you see all those teenagers lurking outside? They think they're so fucking cool! God!
Trendy overdressed guy: I know.
Trendy overdressed girl: It's like, ever since we turned 20, I can't believe we ever hung out with people like that.
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: 22-year-old who's glad she never hung out with either of them
This Year's Celebrity Apprentice Really Lacks Focus
Girl: So, I've finally decided what I want to do in life. I'm done with modeling. I am going to create a product, and sell it for charity.
Guy: Oh, that's cool. What's the charity?
Girl: I haven't decided yet. I'm still working on it.
Guy: Oh, okay.
Girl: I need to decide on the product too.
--Miami Beach, Florida
...Put It to Work, and Earn My Money Back.
Guy: And the guy is complaining about the price of birth control! "Forty dollars?" he's saying... "For that price, I'd rather have a baby!"
--Long Beach, Long Island
Overheard by: Colleen
Over There's Where Jesus Rested with the Cross
Gangsta kid to girl, on date: You see this spot right here? This is where Forrest Gump...stopped runnin'!
Girl, in disbelief: No way!
--Ocean City Boardwalk, Maryland
Overheard by: Tyler
Key West Is Famous for Its Two-Legged Appetite Suppressant
Man with no pants to girls leaving bar: Leaving so soon?
Girl: Uh, yeah...we're hungry. We're gonna go get some food.
Man with no pants: Why? There's plenty of sausages right here!
--Garden of Eden Bar, Key West, Florida
Overheard by: K
You Look More Like a Woodpecker to Me, Though
Bearded man #1: Alright, man, I'll see you later.
Bearded man #2: Yeah, see ya.
Bearded man #1: I'll come by your window later and whistle for you. No, I'll do a bird call. Kaw! Kaw!
Bearded man #2: Okay, man.
Bearded man: #1: I'm a crow! I'm a raven! I love birds!
Bearded man #2: Alright, man, I hear you!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Likes birds too
Angry Sex Is What It Means in South Beach
Girl: Stop being so hostile.
Boy: I'm not, I'm just angry and annoyed. What does "hostile" mean?
--South Beach, Miami, Florida
Overheard by: HH
...Is the Title Of My New Documentary.
Guy at table full of intently listening people: Imagine 50 pounds of animal defecating inside your house! That's a lot of shit!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
The Eternal Question.
College girl to guy: Are you gonna put that thing in your bathing suit, or carry it?
--Hawaiian Inn, Daytona Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Do I wanna know?
Florida's Well-Known for Its Cracker Production
Boy with pretty eyes: So I told her "porch monkey" is a racial slur.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yeah?
Boy with pretty eyes: And she says she doesn't know anybody named Rachel.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yes she does, her cousin's name is Rachel.
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
I'll Take That Silence to Mean It's Been Your Lifelong Dream
Old short man: When was the last time you were with an old and short man?
19-year-old girl: (silence)
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Stephanie Wall
Saturn, for Instance, Has Universal Healthcare
Activist #1: Hey girls, want to save the world together?
Girl #1: Ummmm...
Activist #2: Do you like our planet?
Girl #2: Eh, I've been to better. Thanks, but no thanks.
--Seal Beach, California
Can You Get One Against Freddy Krueger?
Older man: Look, if you're really worried about it...
Younger woman, with full mouth: I am! I'm having trouble sleeping.
Older man: Then you should get a restraining order.
--Beach Footpath, Australia
Overheard by: I Wish I Heard the Start
Some Of Us Should Keep Our Shirts on at the Beach
Woman #1: You really should have seen this guy's boobs, they were huge.
Woman #2: So he needed a bra?
Man #1: A bro.
Man #2 (with hands on hips, triumphantly): A manzier!
Woman #1: What he needed was some testosterone!
--Hawaii
Overheard by: Festivus for the Rest of Us
This Is What Happens When We Don't Bring the Electric Collar
Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, finding Molly sitting quietly: Oh, there you are.
--Lewes Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: maybe next time, take Molly with you
Couldn't We Just Have Played Wii Beach?
Guy walking on the sand: I fucking hate the beach! I hate sand and it's not getting any better. Look, more sand!
--Jones Beach, New York
How Leslie Finagles Free Movies from Half the Guys in Cape May
Guy: Two for Wanted.
Pregnant girl: You don't need to buy my ticket. I brought money.
Guy: It's the least I could do, after knocking you up.
Pregnant girl: Good point.
--Cape May, New Jersey
Many Adults Make the Same Face for Both
Bald man to baby on blanket (in baby voice): Do you have somethin' to say? Are you thinkin'? Are you thinkin'? Yes you are.
Woman next to him: He's pooping.
Bald man: Are you poopin'? Are you poopin'? Yes you are!
--Sunset Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Emma
Can't Be Hard to Find in a Bee Cup
Southern blonde to older, female family members: Aaaah, there's a bee in my titties!
(commotion ensues)
Sketchy guy, loudly: I'll look for it if you want.
--San Juan Beach, Puerto Rico
Whether She Enjoyed It or Not
Latino guy #1: I'm gonna fuck her so hard she'll feel it in her culo.
Latino guy #2: If she really loved you, she'd let you stick it in her culo.
--Boardwalk, Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Geni
You May Have to Steal Uncle Gadget's Hydrocar...
Blond overtanned guy: Wow, I would rather like to be laying on the beach in Spain right now!
Blond overtanned girl: Yeah, and we could like drive down to Mexico and stuff!
Blond overtanned guy: Hmm...no. You don't drive down to Mexico from Spain...
Blond overtanned girl: Oh! Wrong direction? Is it to the left?
--Nauthólsvík Beach, Iceland
Overheard by: the guy who wishes he wasn't blonde
That's How I Spend My Christmas Bonus
Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: girl #1
Emotionally
Guido in wife beater and jeans halfway down his ass: Anal sex hurts me.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Who Admits to Being a Hipster?
Girl: Do you hipsters wear glasses?
Boy: Only if it's not necessary.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: Paperback Writer
Otherwise Known As Britney's New Fragrance Believe
Girl: I like the smell of that. What is it?
Guy: Garbage.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: zsaint
As Depicted in Debbie Does Dorsal-Fins
Drunk guy to girl: Hey, heeeeey. Sometimes I think about dolphins.
Girl (annoyed): Okay...
Drunk guy: Yes! See, they have sex for pleasure, like humans.
(girl giggles and walks away with friends)
--Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia
How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step
Man #1, stopping at free sample of fuge: Ohhh, fudge.
Man #2: Damn! It has nuts in it.
Man #1: I like nuts of all kinds.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Some People Collect Seashells...
Girl to two guys: Do you guys have a spare cigarette?
Guy #1: Yeah, here ya go. (gives her a cigarette)
Girl to guy #2: How about you?
--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: lorax
Drugs or Schizophrenia? Discuss.
Homeless guy to guy with extremely long hair: Oh my god! Is that hair real?
Guy with extremely long hair: Yes.
Homeless guy: Oh my god! I'm a midget!
--Santa Cruz, California
They Slice, They Dice, They Make Julienne Cousin!
Man, carrying two hands full of knives: Knives for sale! Knives for sale! 100 dollars! Getting tired of your brother, your cousin, your mother-in-law? Knives for sale! You feeling suicidal? Knives! Knives for sale! 100 dollars!
--Montego Bay, Jamaica
Overheard by: Elle
National Geographic Cinematographers Break New Ground
Guy to girl: There's some drunk people over there. Don't look at them.
--La Jolla, California
And There's No Roof!
Amazed beachgoer, splashing in the waves: Holy shit! There are fish in the ocean!
--Seaside Park, New Jersey
Overheard by: Tess
I'm Also Vague on the Big Square States in the Middle Of the Country
Young dude with skateboard: Yeah, so I love it out here so far. This is my first year here, I just moved from New Hampshire.
Middle aged lady in short gym shorts: Oh, that's nice... Is that in Maine?
Dude: Uh... Well, it's by Maine...(motioning) Here's New Hampshire, here's Maine.
Lady: Oh, so New Hampshire's a state on its own? Oh my gosh, I feel like I should know that!
--Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Vanessa
So Be Careful Opening Me--I May Spray
Jogging man to jogging woman: I still have a jiggling six-pack.
--English Bay, Vancouver, Canadia
Overheard by: if it's jiggling, it ain't no six-pack
I Thought You Were Talking About Those Tourist Locals
Guy #1: Let's go local hunting.
Hot girl: I don't want to go fucking local hunting.
Guy #2: You should, it's mad fun. We went to this local party once and got kicked out.
Guy #1: Yeah, but we got the number of this kid who lives here.
Ugly girl: Wait. People live here?
--Westhampton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Doesn't live there
If Gigolos Were Allowed to Telemarket
Man on phone: How about I stick my penis in your vagina?
Woman on the other end of the phone, loudly: How bout...no.
--Pismo Beach, California
Overheard by: couldn't contain
My Inflatable Girlfriend Never Made These Kinds Of Demands
20-something guy, imitating his girlfriend: Rub my back! Put your dick in me! Me, me, me!
--Santa Monica Beach, California
Overheard by: Diana
Used Diapers: the End of Many a Fantasy
Girl: Ooh, it's so pretty here...like on Lost!
Guy (stepping around litter): Yeah, complete with used diapers.
--South Padre Island, Texas
Overheard by: The Other
Sex Tourism's Most Popular Souvenir
Random guy to little boy: Hey, you have fun today?
Little boy: Yeah, sure, but I still haven't found those crabs.
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
Or We'll Kill You
Girl (pointing to sign on lifeguard tower): Hah! I thought that said "Dying is dangerous and prohibited" for a sec.
Guy: You're crazy. It says "diving!"
Girl: (pause) I know. But.. oh, whatever.
Lifeguard: Yes--we have a very strict policy... No dying!
--Corona Del Mar Beach, California
Overheard by: Dee
"Something About Mary" Just Made It To Australia
Ditzy blonde: Oh my god, Stuart, there is something gooey on my towel!
Stuart: Where did you get the towel from?
Ditzy blonde: Next to your bed.
Stuart: Oh, um...it must be hair gel!
--Terrigal, Australia
Twenty Minutes and Dozens of Claw Cuts Later, Mike Had His Answer
Random guy named Mike, after hitting on girl for twenty minutes: You know, I've always wondered, can crabs get crabs?
--Ship Bottom, Long Beach Island, California
Overheard by: beachweek '06
And You're Pretty Smart, Not Like a Blonde
Guy to couple: Hi!
Blonde wife: See, they're nice here, not like in California.
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: cherry picker
If There Were a God, Lightning Would Have Struck Them Both at this Point
Hairy man with large dog, to four young women: Are you here for the day?
Hot woman: No, we're just leaving. We have an appointment.
Hairy man: Really? What? Mani...pedi?
Hot woman: No. Sailing in Sag.
--Fying Point Beach, Southampton, New York
Overheard by: lolo
Hmmm. What Are These Euphemisms For?
Guy: Can you pass the ChapStick? Because "lip gloss" has the taint.
--Cambria, California
Overheard by: nadia
I Am Now One Ball Away from No Hot Chicks Ever Again
Guy #1: I can't believe he left us!
Guy #2: Yeah, me either. It really sucks being stuck on this fucking island with no hot chicks. I don't have a fucking shirt and I'm freezing my balls off!
Guy #1: Yeah, I know what you mean.
--St. Petersburg, Florida
And I'd Miss That If I Were in Jail
Dude #1: All I'm saying is, at some point she'll be 23 and damn sexy.
Dude #2: You have a good point.
--Cupsogue Beach, Westhampton, New York
Overheard by: sas
Laura Bush Can Be Amazingly Forceful at Times
Obnoxiously drunk ho as she leans on bro for support: Don't even think about thinking!
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
I Prefer, "Once More Onto the Beach, Dear Friends!"
Woman: If you get pulled out by a rip tide you shouldn't even bother to fight it, right? Because you're already dead.
Man: She's giving herself a pep talk.
--Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: beach comber
Or I Will Have It, After Three Easy Payments of $49.99
(in line at a grocery checkout)
Guy: I'm really excited about watching more movies, old ones and new ones. (pause) Now that I've got my soul back.
--Huntington Beach, California
Your Ass and My Cock, Pal
Guy #1: Hey, what if you had a donkey? Haha.
Guy #2: Yeah, if I had a donkey. Haha. If I had a donkey and you had a rooster, haha.
Guy #1: Exactly.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Like Nature's Turkey-Timers, They Tell Me When I'm Done
Guy (getting out of water): It's okay now, my nipples are hard.
--Pensacola, Florida
Don't Expect Sparkling Conversation During Your Boat Ride to the Isle of the Dead
Guy: Um, do you know where the water is?
Lady: Cold.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
It's in the Fine Print on the Coppertone Label
Guy: Yo, where's that sunscreen at?
Girl: You don't need any sunscreen, we're black, we have a natural SPF factor of 8.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: KL
Strategic Incompetence Is Clearly the Way to a Woman's Heart
Guy: If they try to get you to cook dinner, don't do it. That's how they try to control you.
--Redondo Beach, California
And Were Shaped Like Either a Horse or a Teacup, Depending Upon Who You Ask
New Jersey Guido: His nipples were as big as clouds...
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Peter Butter and Gina Jam
Honey, They Know We Have Sex!
B&B owner to guests: Do you two have children?
Female guest: Oh no, not yet. That's why we are here!
B&B owner (blushing) walking away: Oh! Well, I'm glad we could help!
Guest (softly, mortified): I meant we have more time without kids!
--Bed & Breakfast, Galveston Island, Texas
A Blonde Twin
40-something guy: That must be like an all-you-can-eat salad bar of STDs!
60-something guy: She's a twin.
--Pancake House, Redondo Beach, California
Your Editors Beg to Differ
Guy #1: What happened to the girl you were seeing in Phoenix?
Guy #2: She broke up with me because I had too much baggage.
Guy #3: Wait! Was that the anorexic/bulimic with depression that was hooked on painkillers and ecstasy?
Guy #2: Yep.
Guy #1: You ever fuck her while she threw up?
Guy #2: You're a sick fuck. (long pause) Yeah.
Guy #3: There is so much wrong with this conversation.
--Pacific Beach, California
It's All Fun and Games 'Til She Calls FEMA
Boat captain: C'mon, we have to go. The tide's coming in and the island's gonna sink!
Gullible tourist: Okay.
(soon the tourist sees the island disappearing behind them on the horizon as the boat goes back to port)
Gullible tourist: You're right! It's sinking!
--Boat Tour, Hawaii
Take That Back, Motherfucker!
(after a person in a full Elmo suit was chased down the beach)
Guy #1: Elmo was a lady!
Guy #2: Elmo is a bitch.
--Coney Island, New York
I'll Just Do a Chick and Think About My Mom
Dude #1: I'd really like to do a girl and her mom at the same time.
Dude #2: I don't think you're gonna have any luck here. All these chicks look like they're between 18 and 25.
Dude #1: So, what's your point?
--Cancun, Mexico
Overheard by: Beach Frog
Bill Nye Is Surprisingly Irreverent in Person
(guy #2 is wearing a jacket in 100-degree weather)
Guy #1: Why can't you just wear shorts like a normal person?
Guy #2: Why can't you drink milk with your eyes?
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: It's science, bitch!
--Miami, Florida
Would This Lecture Be More Effective If I Demonstrated with a Raw Egg?
Man: Remember to say no to crack, Joseph. Okay?
Little boy: Huh?
--Indiana Dunes State Park, Indiana
Overheard by: Breet
So I Only Hurt Myself
Drunk guy: I'm scared of you... You look dangerous, like you could beat somebody up.
Drunk girl: What? Why?
Drunk guy: It's the headband, you look like you know karate.
Drunk girl: I don't know karate, I know yoga.
--Beaufort, South Carolina
Overheard by: Wish I had that logic....
Nice Goiter
Cute girl walking down the boardwalk: I've been stared at seven times already!
Random guy walking past: Eight.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: bonzo
Omagah, Except for Now!
Blond waitress to patron: I'm like one of those, you know. The kind that don't make mistakes.
--Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California
If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible
Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?
--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Responsible Tourist
Loss of Virginity's Contagious
[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1: Why you going so fast?!
Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!
At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals
Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.
--Jones Beach, New York
A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner
Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]
--South Beach Florida
How They Make the World's Most Expensive Coffee
Young boy: Look dad, somebody dropped some peanuts.
Male surfer: Sir, I wouldn't eat them, I think they came out of someone's rear end.
Young boy: So these are ass nuts? Awesome!
--Florence, Oregon
Overheard by: Johm
You Know You're Black, Right?
Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.
--Waikiki, Hawaii
Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time
Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Mykl
Now Imagine Lesley Gore Singing This
Guy #1: I can't believe you did that! How could you? After all this time! I thought I knew you!
Guy #2, very loudly: It's my butt and it's gonna be fucked if I want it to!
--Enseada Beach, Brazil
Overheard by: Natasha
Here's Some Chapstik
Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.
--Hilton Head, South Carolina
Overheard by: anna
You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God
Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.
--Santa Cruz, California
Dude, I Think She's Advertising!
Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.
--Padre Island, Texas
Think of Me As the Consumer Reports of Sex
Guy: Why did you tell *Veronica that I had a small dick?
Girl: Because you do.
Guy: You could have at least told her I know how to use it.
Girl: You don't!
--Discovery Bay, California
The "Hasselhoff Effect" in Action
Drunk man: [Bumps into girl and puts his hand around her to move her aside.] Sorry.
Girl: Eww! You're dirty!
Drunk man: C'mon, you know you like it!
Girl: Eww! [Drunk man walks away.] Call me!!
--Manhattan Beach, California
Overheard by: Snoog
God Does the Rest
Tourist: Where do they put the sand in the winter?
Local, sarcastically: Oh, they put it in bags and store it in the convention center.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC local
Let Me Define My Terms
Old hairy guy: Welcome to the Pacific Ocean!
Dumb blonde: Huh? The ocean? I thought you said we were going to the beach!
--Beverly Beach, Oregon
Overheard by: please tell me she's kidding
I'd Never Forgive Myself If They Dented a Lexus
Muscle guy: Damn, that Lexus just hit that kid on a bike in front of Circle Pizza!
Blonde woman: Wait what? Was it one of mine?
Muscle guy: No, yours are jumping off the bridge.
Blonde woman: Oh, thank god.
--St Avalon, New Jersey
Overheard by: Himbo
All Up in Your Hoo-Hoo Zone
Seven-year old boy: Those boys over there are looking at you.
Bronzed teen sister in bikini: Oh really? [Looks pleased.]
Seven-year old boy: Yeah. I guess it's cause you have that weird sunburn.
--Liberia, Costa Rica
Worth a Try
Jock #1: Did you see him at the party last night? I mean, what the hell?
Jock #2: Dude, he's such a fag.
Jock #1: I heard he swallows.
Jock #2: What's his name again?
Jock #1: Eric.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Or Whatever That Stuff in the Tortilla Is
Fiftyish guy to wife: Just for that, I'm not gonna eat your pussy tonight.
--El Cid, Cozumel, Mexico
Yet Another Reason to Love the Beach
Guy: It smells like pussy out here!
Girl: It smells like you're gonna have to find someone else to give your ass a ride home.
--Bixby Knolls, Long Beach, California
Overheard by: Armando
Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?
Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!
--Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
I Didn't Slap You, I High-Fived Your Face
Dude: I didn't steal the Bentley. I hijacked it.
Girl: [Slaps him.]
--Oean Isle, North Carolina
It Swam Right in Front of My Car
Husband, excited at seeing a washed up, dead whale: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer? Well, wait 'til you see this!
--Fernandina Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Katred
Like a Computer, Baby!
20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?
--Boat, Boston Harbor
Overheard by: Deck Hand
He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal
Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.
--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Big Larry
What'd We Tell You About Crying That, Peter?
Man, hearing seagulls: Wolves!
--Upper Hutt, New Zealand
Overheard by: Schmitty
The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut
40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!
--La Jolla, California
Overheard by: Confetti Bomb
The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch
Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!
--Paradise Island, The Bahamas
Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer
Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once
Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!
--Playa Del Rey, CA
I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?
Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!
--Robert Moses, New York
Overheard by: Zep
No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese
Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.
--Virginia Beach
This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been
Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ilyse
And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes
Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.
--Rockway Beach, NY
Shoulda Trimmed the Beard
Guy: Does my face smell like vagina?
Girl: I doubt it [sniffs his face]. Well, maybe a little.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
She's Never Going to Let That One Go
Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: JD
Then It Would Be Lake Superior
Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
We'd Be Grifting on the Midway
Tank-topped boardwalk guy to friend: We're a different breed. If we were any closer to circus folk...
--Seaside Heights Boardwalk, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: twoferrets
And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!
Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rafaela
Just Wait 'til Prom, Buddy
Teen boy, looking at boogie board: Oh, man... My nipples are gonna get it.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Kate H
They Never Listen, Though
Guy: I'm coming! I'm coming! Be gentle!
--Through a motel wall, Cape May, New Jersey