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You Get to Be the Girl Tonight

Random guy in middle of large group of male friends: Ah, man! And my nipples just got like so hard right now.
Friend: Dude, man! They totally did! (chorus of laughter as they walk away)

--Fort Walton Beach, Florida


Posted 2011-08-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...So the Cast Of the Real World Is Out.

Guy: We need servers who are nice, polite, legal, and will pass a drug test.

--Miami, Florida


Posted 2011-08-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well, It Seems Like the Appropriate Thing to Do.

Girl #1: Can you stop touching your junk in front of me?
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #2: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #1: Stop touching your junk!
Boy: I'm not touching my junk!
Girl #3: Can we touch each other's junk?
Boy, girl #1 and #2: What?

--Deerfield Beach
Florida


Posted 2011-06-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Brown?

Guido: I really wanna get a tan today.
Bored girl: Sure.
Guido: Do you think there's enough sun to get a tan today?
Bored girl: I don't know. Maybe.
Guido: Will going in the water help me get a tan?
Bored girl: It might.
Guido: I really wanna get tan.
Bored girl: So where are you going to college?

--Coney Island


Posted 2011-06-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...And, to Be Fair, I Now Know More About Female Anatomy Than You'll Ever Know

Boy: Man, I can't believe she's studying, on a Sunday! What a loser.
Girl's voice, yelling from inside house: I can still hear you...

--Gold Coast, Australia


Posted 2011-06-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Thought Your Girlfriend's Name Was Claire?

Dude #1: Bro, you want a beer?
Dude #2: Nah, I'm not drinking for Ramadan.

--Auckland, New Zealand


Posted 2011-06-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If It Could Only Talk, What Stories It Could Tell

Beach guy to bikini girl: I'd bend over, but my arse hurts too much.

--Sydney, Australia

Overheard by: Felicity


Posted 2011-06-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Rivers Of Chocolate Are So Gangsta

Guy: Fuckin' Wonka?
Girl, watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Yeah man, the orig.

--Dundas, Canadia


Posted 2011-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

At the Ignorant American Semifinals

Boy #1: What's a turban?
Boy #2: It's what terrorists wear.
Boy #1: Is that common knowledge? (ties beach towel around his head)

--Bridgehampton, New York

Overheard by: CCW


Posted 2011-06-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

A George Clooney Movie and Half a Pint Of Ben and Jerry's?

Girl: Let's eat here, it's better value.
Boy: More satisfying?
Girl: No. What satisfies me, they don't sell here.

--Sushi Bar, Gold Coast, Australia


Posted 2011-06-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...But, to Be Fair, There Are Douchebags Everywhere.

Big burly tattooed Bostonian man: They found 'em in Jersey and Lake Michigan.

--Cape Cod Beach, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Nancy and Andrea


Posted 2011-06-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Gatorade Grows on You.

Guy: This tastes like nuclear horse piss!

--Jones Beach Theater, New York


Posted 2011-06-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...I'm Writing a Letter to My Congressman.

Young 20-something guy, while texting: Is tranny spelled with one "n" or two?

--Ferry, Fire Island, New York


Posted 2011-05-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Going to Med School

Girl to boy showing a picture: This is for Valentine's Day.
Boy: Umm... That's really disturbing, is it a bouquet of penises?
Girl: It's not disturbing! It's for Valentine's. (pause) Wait, did you just say "penises"?

--Tampa, Florida


Posted 2011-05-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

All Of Their Family Photos Were Incredibly Grainy

Girl, as brother attempts to bury her in the sand: Why am I the one who gets to be buried?!
Boy: Cause no one wants to see you. Now lie down!

--Balm Beach, Ontario, Canada


Posted 2011-04-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Shit, How Much Is That Gonna Cost Me?

Mechanic, returning car: I got a wireless cable.

--Wildwood Crest, New Jersey


Posted 2011-04-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Especially Not My Webcam Viewers

Person #1: I don't want to go in the water.
Person #2: Why? We came all the way to the beach...
Person #1: It's cold in the water.
Person #2: You were the one that wanted to come.
Person #1: Yes, but I didn't want to go in the water.
Person #2: Why ever not?
Person #1: There are crabs in the water. I don't want people to think I'm promiscuous.

--Plymouth Beach, Virginia


Posted 2011-03-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Point Taken

Meathead: Dude! Your trunks, they're too short.
Hot dude wearing 80s trunks: Dude! This is America, I can wear whatever I want.
Meathead: This is not America. This is New Jersey!

--Jersey Shore, New Jersey


Posted 2011-03-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Your Wife, Bob.

Magician to middle-aged woman: Put your pointer fingers out, and point them about five inches apart. (woman does, but it looks more like three inches) I don't know what guy told you that was 5 inches...

--Carnival Valor, Caribbean Sea


Posted 2011-03-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Um, for the Dogs, I Mean

Guy, looking at girlfriend's dog sniffing another dog: Dog breeding is awesome!

--Newport Pier, Newport Beach, California


Posted 2011-03-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Um, Aren't You Guys Supposed to Be Saying Your Vows?

Beach wedding guest #1: Why is it so fucking hot here? Don't they have any shade for us to sit under?
Beach wedding guest #2: This better be fast. They don't want me all sweaty at the reception.
Beach wedding guest #1: Fucking Florida. I can't wait to get back to Michigan. And real weather.

--Captiva Island, Florida


Posted 2011-03-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Although My Wife May Disagree

50-something to friend: I've been married so long I can row a boat with a rope.

--Horseshoe Beach, Florida


Posted 2011-03-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ugh, Those Terrorists?

20-something girl, talking about new guy she's dating: Yeah, he's kind of indie.
20-something guy: So is his dick dark brown?
20-something girl, after a long pause: Not Indian! Indie!

--Santa Monica, California

Overheard by: Josh M.


Posted 2011-02-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Won't Stop Her from Giving You Shit.

Guy to woman: I'm not going to have a nervous breakdown like you did, and I'm not going to have irritable bowl syndrome like John. I'm going to visit mom less often.

--Manhattan Beach, New York


Posted 2011-02-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

NewsFlash: "Whence" Makes Comeback. Film at 11.

20-something male, chasing after another with driftwood: Go back to the sea from whence you came!

--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire


Posted 2011-01-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Tonight, on Little People, Big Whores...

Hobo in wheelchair to boys skating: Bend over!
Boy: If you were tall enough...

--Santa Monica, California


Posted 2011-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Blame All the Retirees Who Move Here

Driver, turning off radio and looking back: You know you live in a shitty neighborhood when you can't tell if the sirens are coming from outside or your gangster rap cd.

--Sulphur Springs, Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Killsborough


Posted 2011-01-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Now, on to the Next Topic: My Muscles!

Teen guy, to group of pretty girls: Oh my god, that wave was 6 foot 4. That's my height, I'm 6 foot 4!

--Cornwall, England

Overheard by: Beth


Posted 2010-12-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Even Dick Sucking?

Furious teenage boy to other teens: Just because you call "no-homo" before you do something doesn't mean it's not gay!

--Coney Island, New York


Posted 2010-12-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Where Reality Show Contestants Come From: Explained.

20-something guy: If someone offered you a thousand dollars to let them break your leg, would you say yes? I would. I'd say "hell yeah, break that shit in half!"

--Siesta Key, Florida


Posted 2010-12-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Ad: "Are You Irish Sprung?"

Drunk Spanish rock dude: This soap, it smells like penis.

--Santander, Spain

Overheard by: Murray


Posted 2010-12-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...With Genocide at a Close Second.

Sunbathing guy: You know what sucks? Thinking you're more tan than you actually are.

--Ocean City, Maryland


Posted 2010-11-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How You Know That Phrase Has Officially Peaked

Loud man on cell, walking across bridge: So I just said, "I want it all! I want to see it all!"
60-year-old woman to teenage granddaughter: That's what she said.

--Balboa, California


Posted 2010-10-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Why Flare Guns Are So Popular in Canadia

Man #1, hanging up cell: By the volleyball net? You can't find anyone at this beach by telling them "I'm by the volleyball net." That's like going downtown and telling someone "I'm by the pizza place."
Man #2: Or, "I'm by the hobo."

--Jericho Beach, Vancouver, Canadia

Overheard by: Emimac


Posted 2010-10-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Water Does Things to Swimwear Against Which Mere Netting Is Powerless

Young guy in floral: Are you supposed to wear underwear under these things?
Friend in plaid: I mean, you don't have to... but I do.

--Robert Moses, Long Island, New York


Posted 2010-10-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And I Prefer "Gentleman's Gentleman"

Guy to another: I'm a man-loving man, man! Stop calling me a fag!

--Venice Beach, California

Overheard by: scrapes


Posted 2010-10-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Ringside Judges Have Me Ahead on Points

Man on cell: Yeah, Paul* and I aren't friends anymore. He used my credit card and owes me $4000. Plus, it probably doesn't help that I've been having sex with his mom... repeatedly.

--Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Overheard by: Amused Passenger


Posted 2010-09-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What Happens When You Watch the Discovery Channel While High

Bro to another: It's the government, bro. They're putting LSD in our oceans.

--Miami Beach, Florida

Overheard by: mar


Posted 2010-09-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Hope She's Worth It

Guy #1: Wait... When are you getting circumcised, bro?
Guy #2: Tomorrow.

--Robert Moses Beach, New York


Posted 2010-09-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That's Stupid-- Squirrels Can't Drive

Guy #1: He had his keys on the table, and a squirrel took 'em.
Guy #2: Hehehe!
Guy #1: A squirrel!

--Pacifica, California

Overheard by: M.E.


Posted 2010-09-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Chug on That.

Drunk chick on raft: Hey, Mike*, would you love Kelly* more if she did a beer funnel?
Mike*, on another raft: We're married. I don't have to love her at all.

--Rafting Down Delaware River

Overheard by: twoferrets


Posted 2010-09-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Well I Was Going to Say "When It Comes to Reciting My Torah", You Ignorant Bastard.

Girl: I'm such a Jew when it comes to...
Boy, exasperated: Why can't you just say "frugal"?!

--Atlantic City, New Jersey


Posted 2010-09-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Except Freckles and His Friends, Which Is Really Tired

Girl #1: Oh wow, you got so many freckles today!
Guy: Why does everyone keep saying that? Do freckles come from the sun or something?
Girl #2: Um... yeah?
Guy: I just kinda thought they showed up. Like sometimes they're here, and sometimes they're not.
Girl #1: Um, no, it's not random. Like, I ate some cheese, so now I'm freckled.
Girl #2: Or, I'm really freckled cuz I'm tired.

--Paradise Beach, Mykonos, Greece

Overheard by: Jules


Posted 2010-09-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

For Some Reason, I Couldn't Stop Sweating

Boy to friend: When she called I was in my room, naked, blow drying my body.

--Jones Beach, New York


Posted 2010-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Like, for Instance, Why They Call Me "Wolf Breath"

Man outside single bathroom door: Wolf breath, what are you doing in there?
Woman, from inside bathroom: What the fuck do you think I'm doing in here? What the fuck do you do in the bathroom?
Man outside bathroom: Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

--Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli


Posted 2010-09-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Love for Him Burns Long and Strong

Man to friends: He's a pyromaniac from way back.

--Sea Isle City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Bonnie


Posted 2010-09-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Internet Porn: Explained

Guy on bus to friends: So the longer those titties were in front of me, the happier I became.

--Brisbane, Australia


Posted 2010-08-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...According to Fun Facts About Body Hair Quarterly

Guy on cell: It's not gay if you use tweezers.

--Tampa, Florida


Posted 2010-08-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Aw, Don't Get Sore at Her.

Guy: So I went to the party last night... and she gave me a BJ. Told you I was beast.
Friend: Well, she has herpes, so you should get tested.
Guy: That whore!

--Holden Beach, North Carolina


Posted 2010-08-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It Was at Once Zesty and Explosive!

Older guy: We had dinner there earlier in the week. I got food poisoning.
Young kayaking guide: Really? Was it good?

--York Beach, Maine


Posted 2010-07-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...That's How I Met You.

30 something guy standing at bar: So she asked me if I had ever slept with a stripper.
Friend: What did you say?
30 something guy: I told her the truth... I said "yeah, I slept with a stripper, of course."

--Austin, Texas


Posted 2010-07-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Eh, You Don't Know Squat.

Guy to Dachshund: Sit!
Girl: He doesn't really need to sit, he is so close to the ground.

--Tampa, Florida


Posted 2010-07-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Her Father Is Data from Goonies

Guy to girl: I'm going set up booby traps round your house!
Girl to guy: Oooh, booby traps, I like the sound of that...

--Tampa, Florida


Posted 2010-07-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What's the Answer That Won't Have You Thinking I'm Gay?

Guy to girl: I have a wiener dog that is a pain in the ass!
Girl: Is that supposed to be a pun?

--Tampa, Florida


Posted 2010-07-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Florida Girls Are, Well, Different

Sailor #1, in bathroom: Ew! I saw your dick!
Sailor #2: Ew! You wish!

--Pensacola, Florida

Overheard by: disturbed roommate


Posted 2010-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That's Australian for "I'd Do You"

Tan guy jogger listening to iPod, shouting: Happy birthday!
Fit lady jogger listening to iPod, shouting: Thanks!

--Bondi Beach, Australia

Overheard by: GGary


Posted 2010-06-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's a Wise Child Who Knows His Fatherland

Girl to guy: Yeah, my parents are from Denmark, I know, it's "Deutschland"... I'm Dutch.

--Hamilton Island Beach, Australia

Overheard by: JJ


Posted 2010-06-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Hence My Invasion Of Your Sudetenland

Guy: My dick has no boundaries.

--Miami, Florida


Posted 2010-06-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The One Who Wrote Me This Stinging Letter

Man, ranting: ...and then there's the fucking chicken!

--San Diego, California

Overheard by: I always have that problem...


Posted 2010-06-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

There's No "U" in My Cunt, Pal

30-something Guido to pretty girl: Hey. I hear you're looking for a stud. I've got the STD, all I need is "u."

--Pacific Beach, California


Posted 2010-05-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Psh, Take All Those Rings Off and Come Talk to Me

Girl to boy: Damn, look at those calluses on your hands! Do you masturbate with sandpaper or something?

--Tampa, Florida


Posted 2010-05-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Every Buddy Film, Encapsulated.

Guy standing at window: I love tit-ass!
Guy on boardwalk: Fuck yeah!

--Virginia Beach, Virginia

Overheard by: Roomate


Posted 2010-05-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Why I Dropped Out Of My Cupcake-Eating Master's Program After Only Half a Semester

Guy: Why do you have a wooden fork?
Girl: First of all, because it's biodegradable; and second, it's hard to eat a cupcake.

--Sprinkles, Newport Beach, California

Overheard by: M


Posted 2010-05-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Editors Have Paid Extra for Titty Gum-- True Story

Guy: Hey, do you have any gum?
Annoying girl: Yeah, I do... You can't have this one, but you can have this kind. (pulls gum out of bra)
Guy: Ew! I don't want that! It's titty gum.
Annoying girl: It's not titty gum.
Brunette girl: You can have some of my gum.
Guy: Is it in your titties?
Brunette girl, looking down shirt. Nope.
Guy
: Okay!


--Canadia


Posted 2010-05-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Way Too Old For You

20-something guy: Hey, how old are you?
Young girl: I'm fifteen.
20-something guy, looking over to friend: Exactly my point.

--Virginia Beach, Virginia

Overheard by: jenny


Posted 2010-05-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And What Exactly Do You Sell Again?

Man, answering phone: Talbot Street Watersports, how may I help you?
Customer: Oh, what street are you on?
Man: Still on Talbot Street.
Customer: Oh, good... I was just checking.

--Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: OC Rocket


Posted 2010-04-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Thought It Was a Floating Penitentiary

Guy: What's the capital of... Iraq?
Girl: Baghdad.
Guy: Lebanon?
Girl: Beirut.
Bimbo: Oh my god, how do you know all this? Have you been to these countries?
Girl #1: Yeah, because they're all such fun places to go visit...
Bimbo: I don't know any capitals except like Australia.
Guy: I'm sure you do, what about New Zealand?
Bimbo: That's a country?!

--Melbourne, Australia


Posted 2010-04-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Plus It Helps Wash Down the Sand.

Male: Your kid is eating the sunscreen.
Female: It's okay, he's bright on the inside. It's good for him.

--Pacific Beach, California


Posted 2010-04-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...While I'm Asleep

Guy #1: What's going on? The sun went down but it's still raining?
Guy #2: Dude, why would the sun going down make it stop raining?
Guy #1: No, it totally does! It never rains at night.

--Miami, Florida

Overheard by: Matt


Posted 2010-04-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

STI's Don't Discriminate, Dear Reader

Hot 20-year-old guy #1: I'm still dripping.
Hot 20-year-old guy #2: Dude, you banged that chick like a month ago and you're still dripping?
Hot 20-year-old guy #1: Dude, duh! She was Latina!

--Virginia Beach, Virginia


Posted 2010-04-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Maybe They'll Shame Me Out Of My Little Hissy Fit

Guy on cell: Dude, you gotta come down here...I'm about to jump in the ocean and scream at the universe and I want you to help me! (pause) Okay, yeah, send the brown people down.

--Miami Beach, Florida


Posted 2010-04-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Belinda Calls 'em As She Sees 'em

Guy standing in front of store: I can't believe it! That little girl just said "asshole"! I can't believe it! (gestures at two-year-old inside parked car)
Little girl: Asshole!
Guy: I can't believe it that little girl said "asshole" again!
Mother: Ni-iiice.

--Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: ISPgypsy


Posted 2010-04-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If I'm to Believe Your Hand

Girl: Wait, so I'm cheating on you... with myself?!
Guy: Exactly!

--Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: trying not to laugh


Posted 2010-04-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Yes, We Have a Huge Dish

Teen girl #1 to cute boy: Wow, you're from Romania?
Teen girl #2: Do you have, like, MTV Asia?

--Avalon, New Jersey


Posted 2010-03-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Can Tell Because It Is Still Full

Cop, pointing to trash can filled rim with beer and alcohol bottles: Are all of these yours?
Tall man, pointing to one lone bottle: Well, that one's not mine.

--Belmar, New Jersey


Posted 2010-03-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Another Fake Place

Guy #1: You're from Kazakhstan? Isn't that where Borat is from?
Guy #2: Yes.
Guy #1: I thought that place was fake. I didn't know it was a real place.
Guy #2: Borat is from England.

--Miami Beach


Posted 2010-03-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Brain Cells? Whew!

Guy on cell: Did you just say you killed somebody?!

--Waikiki, Hawaii

Overheard by: gavin


Posted 2010-03-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Keep All Mine in My Pants

Drunk guy yelling in hallway: I know I've been drinking all day, but you're the one that doesn't got their shit together!

--Huntington Beach, California


Posted 2010-02-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I've Also Decided I'm an Elderly Asian Woman This Week

Guy on cell: Yes, I'm on the beach. I told you, I'm in the Caribbean this week.

--Tobay Beach, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: debbie downer


Posted 2010-02-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Drools a Lot, Though

Guy: I don't understand that song. I mean, how can hips not lie? That's like saying, "my nipples don't argue."
Friend: Well, my cock never complains.

--Sandy Hook, New Jersey

Overheard by: raerae


Posted 2010-02-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They're the Katie Couric Of Mammaries!

Hot girl to extremely fat guy transfixed by her boobs: What, are you comparing size? Shape? Cause mine might not be as big as yours, but they're far perkier.

--Uvongo Beach, South Africa

Overheard by: dizziebean


Posted 2010-02-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Raise Your Hand If You're Sick Of Eminem

Sweaty dude on boardwalk: I wrote a poem the other day. Wanna hear it?
Sweaty female companion, jogging away: Aw, hell no!

--Tampa, Florida


Posted 2010-01-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Is It My Turn to Talk?

Old fisherman: Don't be tanglin' your lines up with mine, son!
Younger fisherman: You want a beer?
Old fisherman: I saw a UFO fly right under that bridge one time.
Younger fisherman: You need a haircut.

--Creaky Dock, Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Sandy Paws


Posted 2010-01-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Is This Milkshake in My Ears??

Guy to date: Careful, you're about to spill that soda on yourself.
Girl: Yeah. Well hey, what's one more liquid splashed all over my body today?
Guy: Uh... What?
Girl: Oh. Uh... what?

--Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: tner


Posted 2010-01-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Breathe a Little Water and We're Good

Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn't have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin' someone in the ding-dong ain't gonna kill them.
Man: It might.

--Destin, Florida


Posted 2010-01-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Think They Still Get Points for a Liver-Stab, Jimmy

Dude #1: Wouldn't it be cool if you could just get surgery to switch your heart and, say, your liver?
Dude #2: What?
Dude #1: Then, if someone came up to you and said, "I'm gonna stab you in the heart!" you could be like, "I'd like to see you try!"

--Dewey Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: Suprchick


Posted 2009-12-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now I'm Objectifying Older Women Like a Pro!

Guy to another: Dude! I had to google "milf", I didn't know what it meant!

--Long Beach Island, New Jersey


Posted 2009-12-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Maybe Slip Through a Crack in the Space-Time Continuum

Guy to friend, in thick New York accent: Let's go on the cyclone and get the fuck outta here!

--Coney Island

Overheard by: Preston


Posted 2009-12-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I've Never Had a Boss Who Was So Tough to Swallow

Male boater to girl that always gets yelled at by the boss: So, are you thinking of doing this job again next summer?
Girl: Not if it means working for Rich. He's left a bad taste in my mouth.

--Lake George, New York


Posted 2009-11-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Which Was My Way Of Asking You to Marry Me.

Worker #1: Did you just fart?
Worker #2: No, I belched.

--Solana Beach, California


Posted 2009-11-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Why Bars Play Loud Music: Explained

Spring breaker girls to group of 30-something guys: Hey, you guys want us to take your picture for you?
Guys: Huh?
Girls: Do you want us to take the shot?
Guys: A shot? Tequila? You girls like patron? Waitress! Shots!
Girls: Wow, that was easy...

--Key West, Florida


Posted 2009-11-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

There's Nothing Like Nature to Bring Families Closer Together

Canoeing dad, looking back: I think we lost William entirely.
Canoeing guy: Who's Tyler?

--Blue River, Milltown, Indiana


Posted 2009-11-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wasn't This an Episode Of SVU?

Man on cell: Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady.

--Marine World, Vallejo, California

Overheard by: Keena Burt


Posted 2009-11-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

A+

Girl with textbook: What's the capital of the United States?
Boy: Washington, DC?
Girl with textbook: How many eggs to a dozen?
Boy: 12?
Girl with textbook: Where are the Jews?
Boy: Long Island?

--New York


Posted 2009-11-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They're All "If the Capitol Building's a Rockin', Don't Come A-Knockin'!"

Dramatic guy to woman at seaside restaurant: DC? Washington, DC, did you ask? DC is a fuckfest!

--Provincetown
Cape Cod, Massachusetts


Posted 2009-11-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Unlike Those Adult Babies Who Give You Giant Scars

60-something naked man: Yeah, but he was born at a very young age too.

--Sunny Isles, Florida

Overheard by: Kris


Posted 2009-11-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Some Punitive Swimming Lessons Are in Order

Guy holding small boy: Well, I don't think it's funny when you do things that you don't do!

--Presque Isle, Erie, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Kat


Posted 2009-11-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Was Matthew McConaughey's Surfer, Dude the Worst Movie Ever Made? Discuss.

Guy with board, about water: It's flatter than my abs out here!

--Perdido Key, Florida


Posted 2009-11-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Translation: the Ocean Scares Me

Young black male: Yo, I wish this was an urban beach. Like Chicago.

--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina


Posted 2009-11-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or Maybe I'm Just Hungry.

Macho 20-something guy to macho friends: Hmm, I don't know. I'm just feeling a little bi-curious today.

--Huntington Beach, California

Overheard by: roxana


Posted 2009-10-31 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Is Made Of Honor the Shittiest Movie Ever Made? Discuss.

Girl to guy: So, wait, remind me again when you told me you were going to be a bridesmaid. I feel like I haven't been making fun of you enough for that.
Guy: It was a while ago.
Girl: Wow, I have some major mocking to do!

--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware


Posted 2009-10-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

To Be Fair, What American Would?

Woman, putting lotion on man's back: How long have your parents been married?
Man: A long time: 25 or 30 years...
Woman: So your parents got married after you were born?
Man: No.
Woman: But you're 40! Okay, now you're scaring me. I just spilled half the bottle of lotion on your back. That would be 3.5 ounces. I'd explain it to you but you wouldn't understand.

--Fort De Soto Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Ishkabibble


Posted 2009-10-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I've Tried Walking It Off Without Success

Guy on cell: I don't know, it may just be the chlamydia talking, though.

--Destin, Florida


Posted 2009-10-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Flicker Pictures? The Silver Screen? I'm With Ya.

Guy #1: Do you like movies?
Guy #2: Movies? Oh yeah, movies!

--Huntington Beach, California

Overheard by: tori


Posted 2009-10-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Wow, That Takes All the Glamour Out Of My Alcohol Abuse

Boy: You should have come out last night! It was the best pub crawl ever!
Girl: Yeah? Which pub crawl was it?
Boy's girlfriend, unimpressed: It wasn't a pub crawl. It was just him... going to a lot of pubs... by himself.

--Gold Coast, Australia


Posted 2009-10-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How to Say "Yes" in Californian

Girl: Are you going to go back to 24 Hour Fitness?
Guy: Gayness in my anus...

--Pacific Beach, California


Posted 2009-10-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Editors Predict Big Things for That Soft Drink

20-something guy, screaming to total stranger: My dick is, like, totally swollen, bro!

--Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: Nic


Posted 2009-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...I Just Use This One to Reach It

Small child, screaming: Do you have a boat?
Man in giant boat off shore: Yes.

--North Carolina

Overheard by: jen


Posted 2009-09-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Four Being the Tipping Point for Homosexuality

Naked guy #1: My girlfriend thinks it's weird that you and I come here every weekend.
Naked guy #2: Why? Did you tell her Mike and Rob come too?
Naked guy #1: Nah dude, I don't want her to think we're gay.

--Sandy Hook, New Jersey


Posted 2009-09-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...You're Ruining This Sex!

Girl: It's funny, when I first met you, you were a virgin, and now you fuck everybody!
Guy, whining: Shut up!

--Smith Point, Long Island, New York

Overheard by: Tom and Katie


Posted 2009-09-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...You Could Almost Ignore the Missing Teeth

Bro to another: Tequila out of her nipples, and...

--Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Ladle


Posted 2009-08-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...I'm Sally, by the Way.

Girl to boy: Look at the sea otters! So romantic! ...touch my breasts.

--Tacoma, Washington


Posted 2009-08-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Sometimes the Cure's Worse Than the Disease, Though

Beach guy #1: We need to find some slutty girls tonight.
Beach guy #2: Yeah, sluts are great for hangovers.

--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii

Overheard by: Jellyfish Jaq


Posted 2009-08-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

For God's Sake, I'm Starting to Think, Here!

Man, to himself: I wish we were back at the condo so I could watch tv. I can only sit here and watch nothing for so long.

--Fripp Island, South Carolina


Posted 2009-08-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He'll Have His Own Travel Show Within Six Months

Man with thick Russian accent to group of dancing girls: Shake it, shake it!
(seriously) But do not break it.

--Brighton Beach, New York


Posted 2009-08-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

As Befits a Vacation in Cumbria

Girl looking at others on beach: What freaks!
Guy: Emma, I'm waving a spatula and you're counting waves.
Girl: Logic accepted.

--St. Bees, England


Posted 2009-08-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That Was on Tuesday, Britney

Trendy overdressed girl: Oh my god, did you see all those teenagers lurking outside? They think they're so fucking cool! God!
Trendy overdressed guy: I know.
Trendy overdressed girl: It's like, ever since we turned 20, I can't believe we ever hung out with people like that.

--Long Beach, California

Overheard by: 22-year-old who's glad she never hung out with either of them


Posted 2009-07-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Year's Celebrity Apprentice Really Lacks Focus

Girl: So, I've finally decided what I want to do in life. I'm done with modeling. I am going to create a product, and sell it for charity.
Guy: Oh, that's cool. What's the charity?
Girl: I haven't decided yet. I'm still working on it.
Guy: Oh, okay.
Girl: I need to decide on the product too.

--Miami Beach, Florida


Posted 2009-07-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Put It to Work, and Earn My Money Back.

Guy: And the guy is complaining about the price of birth control! "Forty dollars?" he's saying... "For that price, I'd rather have a baby!"

--Long Beach, Long Island

Overheard by: Colleen


Posted 2009-07-13 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Over There's Where Jesus Rested with the Cross

Gangsta kid to girl, on date: You see this spot right here? This is where Forrest Gump...stopped runnin'!
Girl, in disbelief: No way!

--Ocean City Boardwalk, Maryland

Overheard by: Tyler


Posted 2009-07-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Key West Is Famous for Its Two-Legged Appetite Suppressant

Man with no pants to girls leaving bar: Leaving so soon?
Girl: Uh, yeah...we're hungry. We're gonna go get some food.
Man with no pants: Why? There's plenty of sausages right here!

--Garden of Eden Bar, Key West, Florida

Overheard by: K


Posted 2009-07-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Look More Like a Woodpecker to Me, Though

Bearded man #1: Alright, man, I'll see you later.
Bearded man #2: Yeah, see ya.
Bearded man #1: I'll come by your window later and whistle for you. No, I'll do a bird call. Kaw! Kaw!
Bearded man #2: Okay, man.
Bearded man: #1: I'm a crow! I'm a raven! I love birds!
Bearded man #2: Alright, man, I hear you!

--Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: Likes birds too


Posted 2009-07-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Angry Sex Is What It Means in South Beach

Girl: Stop being so hostile.
Boy: I'm not, I'm just angry and annoyed. What does "hostile" mean?

--South Beach, Miami, Florida

Overheard by: HH


Posted 2009-07-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

...Is the Title Of My New Documentary.

Guy at table full of intently listening people: Imagine 50 pounds of animal defecating inside your house! That's a lot of shit!

--Virginia Beach, Virginia


Posted 2009-07-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Eternal Question.

College girl to guy: Are you gonna put that thing in your bathing suit, or carry it?

--Hawaiian Inn, Daytona Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Do I wanna know?


Posted 2009-06-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Florida's Well-Known for Its Cracker Production

Boy with pretty eyes: So I told her "porch monkey" is a racial slur.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yeah?
Boy with pretty eyes: And she says she doesn't know anybody named Rachel.
Girl with squinty eyes: Yes she does, her cousin's name is Rachel.

--St. Pete Beach, Florida


Posted 2009-06-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'll Take That Silence to Mean It's Been Your Lifelong Dream

Old short man: When was the last time you were with an old and short man?
19-year-old girl: (silence)

--Old Orchard Beach, Maine

Overheard by: Stephanie Wall


Posted 2009-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Saturn, for Instance, Has Universal Healthcare

Activist #1: Hey girls, want to save the world together?
Girl #1: Ummmm...
Activist #2: Do you like our planet?
Girl #2: Eh, I've been to better. Thanks, but no thanks.

--Seal Beach, California


Posted 2009-06-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Can You Get One Against Freddy Krueger?

Older man: Look, if you're really worried about it...
Younger woman, with full mouth: I am! I'm having trouble sleeping.
Older man: Then you should get a restraining order.

--Beach Footpath, Australia

Overheard by: I Wish I Heard the Start


Posted 2009-06-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Some Of Us Should Keep Our Shirts on at the Beach

Woman #1: You really should have seen this guy's boobs, they were huge.
Woman #2: So he needed a bra?
Man #1: A bro.
Man #2 (with hands on hips, triumphantly): A manzier!
Woman #1: What he needed was some testosterone!

--Hawaii

Overheard by: Festivus for the Rest of Us


Posted 2009-05-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Is What Happens When We Don't Bring the Electric Collar

Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, running as fast as he can across sand, screaming like a maniac: Molly! Molly! Molly!(entire beach crowd stares)
Man, finding Molly sitting quietly: Oh, there you are.

--Lewes Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: maybe next time, take Molly with you


Posted 2009-05-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Couldn't We Just Have Played Wii Beach?

Guy walking on the sand: I fucking hate the beach! I hate sand and it's not getting any better. Look, more sand!

--Jones Beach, New York


Posted 2009-04-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How Leslie Finagles Free Movies from Half the Guys in Cape May

Guy: Two for Wanted.
Pregnant girl: You don't need to buy my ticket. I brought money.
Guy: It's the least I could do, after knocking you up.
Pregnant girl: Good point.

--Cape May, New Jersey


Posted 2009-04-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Many Adults Make the Same Face for Both

Bald man to baby on blanket (in baby voice): Do you have somethin' to say? Are you thinkin'? Are you thinkin'? Yes you are.
Woman next to him: He's pooping.
Bald man: Are you poopin'? Are you poopin'? Yes you are!

--Sunset Beach, North Carolina

Overheard by: Emma


Posted 2009-04-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Can't Be Hard to Find in a Bee Cup

Southern blonde to older, female family members: Aaaah, there's a bee in my titties!
(commotion ensues)
Sketchy guy, loudly
: I'll look for it if you want.


--San Juan Beach, Puerto Rico


Posted 2009-04-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Whether She Enjoyed It or Not

Latino guy #1: I'm gonna fuck her so hard she'll feel it in her culo.
Latino guy #2: If she really loved you, she'd let you stick it in her culo.

--Boardwalk, Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Geni


Posted 2009-04-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You May Have to Steal Uncle Gadget's Hydrocar...

Blond overtanned guy: Wow, I would rather like to be laying on the beach in Spain right now!
Blond overtanned girl: Yeah, and we could like drive down to Mexico and stuff!
Blond overtanned guy: Hmm...no. You don't drive down to Mexico from Spain...
Blond overtanned girl: Oh! Wrong direction? Is it to the left?

--Nauthólsvík Beach, Iceland

Overheard by: the guy who wishes he wasn't blonde


Posted 2009-04-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

That's How I Spend My Christmas Bonus

Guy sharing Ferris wheel with family: Good thing they fixed this cart, it was broken yesterday.
Old lady: Have you ever been slapped by a complete stranger?

--Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: girl #1


Posted 2009-04-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Emotionally

Guido in wife beater and jeans halfway down his ass: Anal sex hurts me.

--Belmar, New Jersey


Posted 2009-03-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Who Admits to Being a Hipster?

Girl: Do you hipsters wear glasses?
Boy: Only if it's not necessary.

--Coney Island, New York

Overheard by: Paperback Writer


Posted 2009-03-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Otherwise Known As Britney's New Fragrance Believe

Girl: I like the smell of that. What is it?
Guy: Garbage.

--Huntington Beach, California

Overheard by: zsaint


Posted 2009-03-18 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

As Depicted in Debbie Does Dorsal-Fins

Drunk guy to girl: Hey, heeeeey. Sometimes I think about dolphins.
Girl (annoyed): Okay...
Drunk guy: Yes! See, they have sex for pleasure, like humans.
(girl giggles and walks away with friends)

--Smith Mountain Lake, Virginia


Posted 2009-03-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step

Man #1, stopping at free sample of fuge: Ohhh, fudge.
Man #2: Damn! It has nuts in it.
Man #1: I like nuts of all kinds.

--Ocean City, New Jersey


Posted 2009-03-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Some People Collect Seashells...

Girl to two guys: Do you guys have a spare cigarette?
Guy #1: Yeah, here ya go. (gives her a cigarette)
Girl to guy #2: How about you?

--St. Kilda Beach, Melbourne, Australia

Overheard by: lorax


Posted 2009-02-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Drugs or Schizophrenia? Discuss.

Homeless guy to guy with extremely long hair: Oh my god! Is that hair real?
Guy with extremely long hair: Yes.
Homeless guy: Oh my god! I'm a midget!

--Santa Cruz, California


Posted 2009-02-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They Slice, They Dice, They Make Julienne Cousin!

Man, carrying two hands full of knives: Knives for sale! Knives for sale! 100 dollars! Getting tired of your brother, your cousin, your mother-in-law? Knives for sale! You feeling suicidal? Knives! Knives for sale! 100 dollars!

--Montego Bay, Jamaica

Overheard by: Elle


Posted 2009-02-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

National Geographic Cinematographers Break New Ground

Guy to girl: There's some drunk people over there. Don't look at them.

--La Jolla, California


Posted 2009-02-12 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And There's No Roof!

Amazed beachgoer, splashing in the waves: Holy shit! There are fish in the ocean!

--Seaside Park, New Jersey

Overheard by: Tess


Posted 2009-02-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'm Also Vague on the Big Square States in the Middle Of the Country

Young dude with skateboard: Yeah, so I love it out here so far. This is my first year here, I just moved from New Hampshire.
Middle aged lady in short gym shorts: Oh, that's nice... Is that in Maine?
Dude: Uh... Well, it's by Maine...(motioning) Here's New Hampshire, here's Maine.
Lady: Oh, so New Hampshire's a state on its own? Oh my gosh, I feel like I should know that!

--Long Beach, California

Overheard by: Vanessa


Posted 2009-02-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

So Be Careful Opening Me--I May Spray

Jogging man to jogging woman: I still have a jiggling six-pack.

--English Bay, Vancouver, Canadia

Overheard by: if it's jiggling, it ain't no six-pack


Posted 2009-01-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Thought You Were Talking About Those Tourist Locals

Guy #1: Let's go local hunting.
Hot girl: I don't want to go fucking local hunting.
Guy #2: You should, it's mad fun. We went to this local party once and got kicked out.
Guy #1: Yeah, but we got the number of this kid who lives here.
Ugly girl: Wait. People live here?

--Westhampton Beach, New York

Overheard by: Doesn't live there


Posted 2009-01-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If Gigolos Were Allowed to Telemarket

Man on phone: How about I stick my penis in your vagina?
Woman on the other end of the phone, loudly: How bout...no.

--Pismo Beach, California

Overheard by: couldn't contain


Posted 2009-01-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

My Inflatable Girlfriend Never Made These Kinds Of Demands

20-something guy, imitating his girlfriend: Rub my back! Put your dick in me! Me, me, me!

--Santa Monica Beach, California

Overheard by: Diana


Posted 2009-01-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Used Diapers: the End of Many a Fantasy

Girl: Ooh, it's so pretty here...like on Lost!
Guy (stepping around litter): Yeah, complete with used diapers.

--South Padre Island, Texas

Overheard by: The Other


Posted 2008-12-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Sex Tourism's Most Popular Souvenir

Random guy to little boy: Hey, you have fun today?
Little boy: Yeah, sure, but I still haven't found those crabs.

--Hilo, Hawaii

Overheard by: Gwen


Posted 2008-12-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or We'll Kill You

Girl (pointing to sign on lifeguard tower): Hah! I thought that said "Dying is dangerous and prohibited" for a sec.
Guy: You're crazy. It says "diving!"
Girl: (pause) I know. But.. oh, whatever.
Lifeguard: Yes--we have a very strict policy... No dying!

--Corona Del Mar Beach, California

Overheard by: Dee


Posted 2008-12-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

"Something About Mary" Just Made It To Australia

Ditzy blonde: Oh my god, Stuart, there is something gooey on my towel!
Stuart: Where did you get the towel from?
Ditzy blonde: Next to your bed.
Stuart: Oh, um...it must be hair gel!

--Terrigal, Australia


Posted 2008-12-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Twenty Minutes and Dozens of Claw Cuts Later, Mike Had His Answer

Random guy named Mike, after hitting on girl for twenty minutes: You know, I've always wondered, can crabs get crabs?

--Ship Bottom, Long Beach Island, California

Overheard by: beachweek '06


Posted 2008-12-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And You're Pretty Smart, Not Like a Blonde

Guy to couple: Hi!
Blonde wife: See, they're nice here, not like in California.

--Santa Cruz, California

Overheard by: cherry picker


Posted 2008-12-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If There Were a God, Lightning Would Have Struck Them Both at this Point

Hairy man with large dog, to four young women: Are you here for the day?
Hot woman: No, we're just leaving. We have an appointment.
Hairy man: Really? What? Mani...pedi?
Hot woman: No. Sailing in Sag.

--Fying Point Beach, Southampton, New York

Overheard by: lolo


Posted 2008-12-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Hmmm. What Are These Euphemisms For?

Guy: Can you pass the ChapStick? Because "lip gloss" has the taint.

--Cambria, California

Overheard by: nadia


Posted 2008-11-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Am Now One Ball Away from No Hot Chicks Ever Again

Guy #1: I can't believe he left us!
Guy #2: Yeah, me either. It really sucks being stuck on this fucking island with no hot chicks. I don't have a fucking shirt and I'm freezing my balls off!
Guy #1: Yeah, I know what you mean.

--St. Petersburg, Florida


Posted 2008-11-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And I'd Miss That If I Were in Jail

Dude #1: All I'm saying is, at some point she'll be 23 and damn sexy.
Dude #2: You have a good point.

--Cupsogue Beach, Westhampton, New York

Overheard by: sas


Posted 2008-11-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Laura Bush Can Be Amazingly Forceful at Times

Obnoxiously drunk ho as she leans on bro for support: Don't even think about thinking!

--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California


Posted 2008-11-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Prefer, "Once More Onto the Beach, Dear Friends!"

Woman: If you get pulled out by a rip tide you shouldn't even bother to fight it, right? Because you're already dead.
Man: She's giving herself a pep talk.

--Fire Island, New York

Overheard by: beach comber


Posted 2008-11-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or I Will Have It, After Three Easy Payments of $49.99

(in line at a grocery checkout)
Guy
: I'm really excited about watching more movies, old ones and new ones. (pause) Now that I've got my soul back.


--Huntington Beach, California


Posted 2008-11-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Ass and My Cock, Pal

Guy #1: Hey, what if you had a donkey? Haha.
Guy #2: Yeah, if I had a donkey. Haha. If I had a donkey and you had a rooster, haha.
Guy #1: Exactly.

--Ocean City, Maryland


Posted 2008-11-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Like Nature's Turkey-Timers, They Tell Me When I'm Done

Guy (getting out of water): It's okay now, my nipples are hard.

--Pensacola, Florida


Posted 2008-10-25 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Don't Expect Sparkling Conversation During Your Boat Ride to the Isle of the Dead

Guy: Um, do you know where the water is?
Lady: Cold.

--Rockaway Beach, New York


Posted 2008-10-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's in the Fine Print on the Coppertone Label

Guy: Yo, where's that sunscreen at?
Girl: You don't need any sunscreen, we're black, we have a natural SPF factor of 8.

--Jones Beach, New York

Overheard by: KL


Posted 2008-10-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Strategic Incompetence Is Clearly the Way to a Woman's Heart

Guy: If they try to get you to cook dinner, don't do it. That's how they try to control you.

--Redondo Beach, California


Posted 2008-10-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And Were Shaped Like Either a Horse or a Teacup, Depending Upon Who You Ask

New Jersey Guido: His nipples were as big as clouds...

--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey

Overheard by: Peter Butter and Gina Jam


Posted 2008-09-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Honey, They Know We Have Sex!

B&B owner to guests: Do you two have children?
Female guest: Oh no, not yet. That's why we are here!
B&B owner (blushing) walking away: Oh! Well, I'm glad we could help!
Guest (softly, mortified): I meant we have more time without kids!

--Bed & Breakfast, Galveston Island, Texas


Posted 2008-09-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

A Blonde Twin

40-something guy: That must be like an all-you-can-eat salad bar of STDs!
60-something guy: She's a twin.

--Pancake House, Redondo Beach, California


Posted 2008-09-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Your Editors Beg to Differ

Guy #1: What happened to the girl you were seeing in Phoenix?
Guy #2: She broke up with me because I had too much baggage.
Guy #3: Wait! Was that the anorexic/bulimic with depression that was hooked on painkillers and ecstasy?
Guy #2: Yep.
Guy #1: You ever fuck her while she threw up?
Guy #2: You're a sick fuck. (long pause) Yeah.
Guy #3: There is so much wrong with this conversation.

--Pacific Beach, California


Posted 2008-09-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It's All Fun and Games 'Til She Calls FEMA

Boat captain: C'mon, we have to go. The tide's coming in and the island's gonna sink!
Gullible tourist: Okay.
(soon the tourist sees the island disappearing behind them on the horizon as the boat goes back to port)
Gullible tourist
: You're right! It's sinking!


--Boat Tour, Hawaii


Posted 2008-08-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Take That Back, Motherfucker!

(after a person in a full Elmo suit was chased down the beach)
Guy #1
: Elmo was a lady!

Guy #2: Elmo is a bitch.

--Coney Island, New York


Posted 2008-08-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'll Just Do a Chick and Think About My Mom

Dude #1: I'd really like to do a girl and her mom at the same time.
Dude #2: I don't think you're gonna have any luck here. All these chicks look like they're between 18 and 25.
Dude #1: So, what's your point?

--Cancun, Mexico

Overheard by: Beach Frog


Posted 2008-08-27 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Bill Nye Is Surprisingly Irreverent in Person

(guy #2 is wearing a jacket in 100-degree weather)
Guy #1
: Why can't you just wear shorts like a normal person?

Guy #2: Why can't you drink milk with your eyes?
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: It's science, bitch!

--Miami, Florida


Posted 2008-08-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Would This Lecture Be More Effective If I Demonstrated with a Raw Egg?

Man: Remember to say no to crack, Joseph. Okay?
Little boy: Huh?

--Indiana Dunes State Park, Indiana

Overheard by: Breet


Posted 2008-08-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

So I Only Hurt Myself

Drunk guy: I'm scared of you... You look dangerous, like you could beat somebody up.
Drunk girl: What? Why?
Drunk guy: It's the headband, you look like you know karate.
Drunk girl: I don't know karate, I know yoga.

--Beaufort, South Carolina

Overheard by: Wish I had that logic....


Posted 2008-08-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Nice Goiter

Cute girl walking down the boardwalk: I've been stared at seven times already!
Random guy walking past: Eight.

--Seaside Heights, New Jersey

Overheard by: bonzo


Posted 2008-08-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Omagah, Except for Now!

Blond waitress to patron: I'm like one of those, you know. The kind that don't make mistakes.

--Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California


Posted 2008-08-04 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

If Gilligan Could Have a Coconut Radio, Anything's Possible

Chubby man, kicking around the sand: Hey, have you guys seen a set of keys over here?
Asian girl: Um. No. Sorry.
Chubby man: Shit. I must have buried the car keys in the sand on accident. My wife's gonna kill me.
Asian girl: I haven't seen any keys, unfortunately.
Chubby man: Hey, do you think the beach has a Lost and Found box anywhere?

--Big Beach, Maui, Hawaii

Overheard by: Responsible Tourist


Posted 2008-07-30 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Loss of Virginity's Contagious

[Three ten-year-old boys cycling past the beach.]
Boy #1
: Why you going so fast?!

Boy #2: [Missing front teeth, which makes him lisp.] Becauth he wath fucking her latht night!
Boy #3: What?!!!

--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: They grow up quickly these days!


Posted 2008-07-29 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

At the Cultural Stereotype Quarterfinals

Perfect guido #1, intensely: Yo, bro, there is no way dat your granmudda's meatballs are better dan my granmudda's meatballs.
Perfect guido #2: Alright, bro, I'll give you dat much. But my granmudda's marinara sauce will blow your granmudda's outta da saucepan.

--Jones Beach, New York


Posted 2008-07-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

A Suck for Breakfast, a Suck for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner

Boyfriend, offering a sip of shake: Here, have some.
Girlfriend: No, I'm okay.
Boyfriend: Have some, it's protein!
Girlfriend: No! I'll just suck your dick later.
Boyfriend: [Silence.]

--South Beach Florida


Posted 2008-07-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

How They Make the World's Most Expensive Coffee

Young boy: Look dad, somebody dropped some peanuts.
Male surfer: Sir, I wouldn't eat them, I think they came out of someone's rear end.
Young boy: So these are ass nuts? Awesome!

--Florence, Oregon

Overheard by: Johm


Posted 2008-07-21 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You Know You're Black, Right?

Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.

--Waikiki, Hawaii


Posted 2008-07-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Not My Fault She Was Always in the Bed at the Time

Dude #1: Ah, see that girl?
Dude #2: Yeah.
Dude #1: She is whack.
Dude #2: Didn't you date her for like a year?
Dude #1: Yeah, but she wasn't whack back then.
Dude #2: So it's safe to say that you made her whack?
Dude #1: It was the crack that made her whack, I just cheated on her a lot.

--Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: Mykl


Posted 2008-07-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Now Imagine Lesley Gore Singing This

Guy #1: I can't believe you did that! How could you? After all this time! I thought I knew you!
Guy #2, very loudly: It's my butt and it's gonna be fucked if I want it to!

--Enseada Beach, Brazil

Overheard by: Natasha


Posted 2008-07-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Here's Some Chapstik

Mother with accent, talking to grown son: David, blow up the raft!
David: No! Make dad do it!
Dad: You're younger. You have more air in your lungs.
Sister: Dave, just blow up the raft.
David: No!
Mother: Son, shut up and finish the blow job.

--Hilton Head, South Carolina

Overheard by: anna


Posted 2008-07-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

You'd Think If Anybody Was Pro-Life It Would Be God

Queer: So, like, let me get this straight. God got this lady pregnant and made her have a baby and then killed it so you could get away with whatever shit you wanted as long as you felt sorry?
Christian guy: Wow... I've never heard it put that way...
Queer: Sorry, I meant he killed him, it was a boy.

--Santa Cruz, California


Posted 2008-07-08 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Dude, I Think She's Advertising!

Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1
: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.


--Padre Island, Texas


Posted 2008-07-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Think of Me As the Consumer Reports of Sex

Guy: Why did you tell *Veronica that I had a small dick?
Girl: Because you do.
Guy: You could have at least told her I know how to use it.
Girl: You don't!

--Discovery Bay, California


Posted 2008-06-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The "Hasselhoff Effect" in Action

Drunk man: [Bumps into girl and puts his hand around her to move her aside.] Sorry.
Girl: Eww! You're dirty!
Drunk man: C'mon, you know you like it!
Girl: Eww! [Drunk man walks away.] Call me!!

--Manhattan Beach, California

Overheard by: Snoog


Posted 2008-06-23 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

God Does the Rest

Tourist: Where do they put the sand in the winter?
Local, sarcastically: Oh, they put it in bags and store it in the convention center.

--Ocean City, Maryland

Overheard by: OC local


Posted 2008-06-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Let Me Define My Terms

Old hairy guy: Welcome to the Pacific Ocean!
Dumb blonde: Huh? The ocean? I thought you said we were going to the beach!

--Beverly Beach, Oregon

Overheard by: please tell me she's kidding


Posted 2008-06-17 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I'd Never Forgive Myself If They Dented a Lexus

Muscle guy: Damn, that Lexus just hit that kid on a bike in front of Circle Pizza!
Blonde woman: Wait what? Was it one of mine?
Muscle guy: No, yours are jumping off the bridge.
Blonde woman: Oh, thank god.

--St Avalon, New Jersey

Overheard by: Himbo


Posted 2008-06-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

All Up in Your Hoo-Hoo Zone

Seven-year old boy: Those boys over there are looking at you.
Bronzed teen sister in bikini: Oh really? [Looks pleased.]
Seven-year old boy: Yeah. I guess it's cause you have that weird sunburn.

--Liberia, Costa Rica


Posted 2008-06-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Worth a Try

Jock #1: Did you see him at the party last night? I mean, what the hell?
Jock #2: Dude, he's such a fag.
Jock #1: I heard he swallows.
Jock #2: What's his name again?
Jock #1: Eric.

--Ocean City, Maryland


Posted 2008-06-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Or Whatever That Stuff in the Tortilla Is

Fiftyish guy to wife: Just for that, I'm not gonna eat your pussy tonight.

--El Cid, Cozumel, Mexico


Posted 2008-06-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Yet Another Reason to Love the Beach

Guy: It smells like pussy out here!
Girl: It smells like you're gonna have to find someone else to give your ass a ride home.

--Bixby Knolls, Long Beach, California

Overheard by: Armando


Posted 2008-06-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Do You Want to Start a Sing-Along? Do You?

Drunk New Year's reveller, at 5 AM: Morning has broken, like the first...
Girlfriend: Shut up!

--Bondi Beach, Australia

Overheard by: GGary


Posted 2008-05-28 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Didn't Slap You, I High-Fived Your Face

Dude: I didn't steal the Bentley. I hijacked it.
Girl: [Slaps him.]

--Oean Isle, North Carolina


Posted 2008-05-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

It Swam Right in Front of My Car

Husband, excited at seeing a washed up, dead whale: Carla? Do you remember how excited you were when you saw that deer? Well, wait 'til you see this!

--Fernandina Beach, Florida

Overheard by: Katred


Posted 2008-05-20 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Like a Computer, Baby!

20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?

--Boat, Boston Harbor

Overheard by: Deck Hand


Posted 2008-05-19 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

He's Kinda Gone Off Me Since He Broke My Seal

Guy #1: What I can't understand is, $5,000 an hour for a hooker? How good can pussy be?
Woman #1: And where did he get that kind of money on a public official's salary?
Guy #2: He could have cruised tenth avenue and gotten the same poontang for twenty bucks.
Woman #2: I don't have to worry about Frank going to hookers. He won't even use a bottle of ketchup if it's already been opened.

--Italian Restaurant, Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry


Posted 2008-05-16 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

What'd We Tell You About Crying That, Peter?

Man, hearing seagulls: Wolves!

--Upper Hutt, New Zealand

Overheard by: Schmitty


Posted 2008-05-15 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Perfect Complement to the Heroin Hut

40-year-old yuppie man: Yeah! I think a detox kiosk is a great idea!

--La Jolla, California

Overheard by: Confetti Bomb


Posted 2008-05-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

The Bible Omitted the Serpent's Jet-Ski Pitch

Local dude, trying to get me to buy a jet-ski ride: You can drink and drive. It's paradise!

--Paradise Island, The Bahamas

Overheard by: Drunken Swimmer


Posted 2008-05-10 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Joe's Mistake Was to Try to Fulfill Both Commands at Once

Man riding away on bike: Oh ya, why don't you come over here and do something about it? Eat shit and fuck your mom!

--Playa Del Rey, CA


Posted 2008-05-09 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

I Wonder If He Realizes He'll Never Go Back?

Skinny white guy, unaware that white girlfriend's huge black brother is walking behind him: I don't know why, but I just really want to fuck a black chick!

--Robert Moses, New York

Overheard by: Zep


Posted 2008-05-07 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No, Let's Talk More about the Cheese

Woman: Where are you from?
Twelve-year-old boy: Minnesota.
Woman: Oh, yeah, you have really good cheese there.
Boy: Ummmm...
Woman: Oh, wait. No. That's Wisconsin. They have really good cheese.
Boy: Yeah. They do. But I'm from Minnesota.

--Virginia Beach


Posted 2008-05-06 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

This Is Where You Realize That's What I've Always Been

Man on a bike, on cell: Is this where you become an evil bitch?

--Long Beach, New York

Overheard by: Ilyse


Posted 2008-05-05 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And When We Get Home, Wash Your Eyes

Sister: Would you like to see some sea life?
Brother, pointing at three women sunbathing topless: Eww, this isn't Europe!
Sister: Eli, just look away.

--Rockway Beach, NY


Posted 2008-05-03 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Shoulda Trimmed the Beard

Guy: Does my face smell like vagina?
Girl: I doubt it [sniffs his face]. Well, maybe a little.

--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina


Posted 2008-04-26 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

She's Never Going to Let That One Go

Girl: You have to take your shoes off to walk in the sand.
Guy: I'll wait until we find a spot.
Girl: What? Walking in the sand with your shoes is like fucking your mom and not cleaning up afterwards.
Guy: Okay, okay!

--Jones Beach, New York

Overheard by: JD


Posted 2008-04-24 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Then It Would Be Lake Superior

Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.

--Old Orchard Beach, Maine

Overheard by: shawshank


Posted 2008-04-22 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

We'd Be Grifting on the Midway

Tank-topped boardwalk guy to friend: We're a different breed. If we were any closer to circus folk...

--Seaside Heights Boardwalk, Jersey Shore, New Jersey

Overheard by: twoferrets


Posted 2008-04-14 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

And for That Kind of Money We Could Get Laid!

Teen girl: It's so freakin' hot out! What are we gonna do?
Teen guy: We could go on the ferris wheel.
Teen girl: Are you kidding? For all five of us it would cost, like, a hundred dollars!

--Ocean City, New Jersey

Overheard by: Rafaela


Posted 2008-04-11 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

Just Wait 'til Prom, Buddy

Teen boy, looking at boogie board: Oh, man... My nipples are gonna get it.

--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

Overheard by: Kate H


Posted 2008-04-02 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

They Never Listen, Though

Guy: I'm coming! I'm coming! Be gentle!

--Through a motel wall, Cape May, New Jersey


Posted 2008-04-01 EmailQuoteLinkDel.icio.us Facebook

No, My Family Comes to See Me

Old man #1: This one girl, she let me play with myself.
Old man #2: Oh, yeah?
Old man #1: Yeah... And some of them even let you touch their tits.
Old man #2: Do you still go to Long Island for that?

--Compo Beach, Westport, Connecticut

Overheard by: Forgot my iPod