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Ooo, Ashes Of Dead Mouseketeers. Luxurious!
Idiot dad: You know they import all this sand from Florida, that's why it's so soft.
Idiot son: Yeah, I've heard that too.
--Newcomb Hollow Beach, Wellfleet, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Alana Geary
Further Proof That the Sun Will Fry Your Brain If You Don't Wear a Hat
Girl #1: Yeah, that is unless I morph into a...
Girl #2: (laughs)
Girl #1: What's so funny?
Girl #2: You said "morph," it's a funny word.
Girl #1: Is it? I thought we both used it in everyday conversation.
Girl #2: Do we?
Girl #1: I don't know... (giggles) Morphs... It is a funny word!
Girl #2, laughing: Morphs!
--Hollywood, Florida
Overheard by: intelligent conversation..
They'll Inevitably Lead to a Tongue Twister
Girl looking for spot to lay down with family: Can we not go where there are so many shells?
--Point Lookout, New York
Overheard by: Rachel
Are You Hitting on Me, Dennis?
Coworker #1: This is a weird song.
Coworker #2, listening to hip hop: You're a weird song.
Coworker #1: He sounds like a child molester.
Coworker #2: You sound like a child molester.
--Long Beach, California
Americans Think the Right to Be Stupid Is an Obligation
19-year-old boy: I want to make a shirt that says "Keep Allah out of downtown New York" and wear it to Ground Zero.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Couldn't Agree More
Where Reality Show Contestants Come From: Explained.
20-something guy: If someone offered you a thousand dollars to let them break your leg, would you say yes? I would. I'd say "hell yeah, break that shit in half!"
--Siesta Key, Florida
Have You Been Smoking Some Green?
Annoying woman: That was green before green was really green.
--Santa Monica, California
I Wrote It on My Hand at One Point, but It Washed Off!
Airhead girl, trying to pick up boys: Oh, you go to [name of college]. We go to [name of college right next to it]. (thinks) We're sophomores now, right?
Airhead girl friend: Yeah, I think so.
--Sunset Bay, New York
Overheard by: defsophomore
Plus They're Great for Cutting Coke
Bro: So like, the thing to know about credit cards is, like, they're a totally good way to build credit.
--Santa Barbara, California
What? I Thought We Were Just Sharing Stuff
Bikini #1: What ocean is this beach on? Is it sad that I don't even know?
Bikini #2: No, I dunno either. I'm bad at history.
--Palm Beach, Florida
We Pay Our Rent in Hockey Pucks
Bearded hipster: I live with my mom... You know, because she's Canadian.
--Bradford Beach, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Overheard by: Trying to Enjoy the Beach
Surfers Don't Expect to Live Forever
Texan: Yo! Dude, the waves are so huge! I just broke my longboard in two an' almost got killed... that was awesome!
--Puerto Plata, Dominican Republic
The Sun Does This to Everybody
Idiot chick #1: Oh my god! This sand is sooo much hotter than it was this morning!
Idiot chick #2: Yeah, this morning it wasn't that hot!
Idiot chick #3: But now it's really hot!
Idiot chick #2: Yeah!
Idiot chick #1: Not like this morning.
Idiot chick #3: Yeah... It wasn't that hot this morning.
(brief pause)
Idiot chick #1: Yeah...
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Suzanne
Remember When The Tree Had Real Candles?
Salty sea dog: And the new LED Christmas lights? They'll never burn down your Christmas tree. You'll have to do that yourself.
--Morro Bay, California
Overheard by: Colin
Does Anyone?
Excessively tan man: I don't trust SPF 14 anyway.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Jo
And Hard to Breathe
20-something girl, coming out of the ocean: This water's salty!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
You're Barefoot, Amy
Sober girl: You have no idea what's going on!
Drunk blonde: Yes I do! I am still totally relevant to what is going on!
Sober girl: Wait, what?
Drunk blonde: Oh, relevant of! Relevant of what is going on!... Aren't these shoes sexy?
--Santa Barbara, California
...According to That Cosmo Quiz
Over-tanned lady to beach bum eating plum: I would rather drink shower water than eat unwashed fruit.
--Ala Moana Center, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Buddha
God Does the Rest
Tourist: Where do they put the sand in the winter?
Local, sarcastically: Oh, they put it in bags and store it in the convention center.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC local
Let Me Define My Terms
Old hairy guy: Welcome to the Pacific Ocean!
Dumb blonde: Huh? The ocean? I thought you said we were going to the beach!
--Beverly Beach, Oregon
Overheard by: please tell me she's kidding
Wait for It...
Woman to husband, watching the sunset: Why doesn't the sun ever set in front of the clouds?
--Pacific Grove, California
Overheard by: never enough sunscreen
The Lead Singer Picked Me Up in a Bar Last Night
Teen bimbette: So I heard about this new band that just came out. The lead singer is really cute... they're called The Doors.
--South California
Like a Computer, Baby!
20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?
--Boat, Boston Harbor
Overheard by: Deck Hand
Is This Thing On?
Bikini girl #1: Oh my god, he was totally sleeping, and his member was, like, totally awake. Like, hello?!
Bikini girl #2, giggling: Yeah, hello?!
Bikini girl #3, giggling: Hello?!
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
You, Not So Much
Teen girl #1: The sand is so hot!
Teen girl #2: That's why God put the sand near the water.
Teen girl #1: God was a genius!
--Fair Haven Beach, New York
Overheard by: Jane
Then It Would Be Lake Superior
Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
First Tell Me What You Think a Beach Is
Tourist standing on beach: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the beach is?
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Shannon
Florida Lies Outside the Normal Space-Time Continuum
20-ish blonde: What time is it in Florida?
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Dude, That Is the Shittiest Ghost Story in the Whole World
Dude: ... So I'm, like, sitting there and she just keeps staring at me! So you know what I did? I threw my pizza crust at her forehead... And she started to bleed! I mean, that was some hard pizza crust, man! And you know what did said? Nothing! She just kept staring!
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Hopefully They'll Never Find Out I Cheated with Those Nantucket Nectars
40-year-old man #1: Water bottles are a major part of my life.
40-year-old man #2: Yeah...
--Hammonasset Beach, Connecticut
Overheard by: Very amused
And Water, or Something
Guy: Why is there water on the outside of my can?
Girl: I don't know. I think it has to do with cold.
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Overheard by: Kristy
In Case of Emergency, We Use Fat Virginians
Woman: So, since the hurricane is coming, are they going to put up the hurricane shield?
Municipal employee: Hurricane shield?
Woman: Yes, the hurricane shield. Doesn't the city have a shield you put up to block the wind and such from the hurricane?!
Municipal employee: Ma'am, no such thing exists.
Woman, sarcastically: Well, aren't you guys just the most prepared beach town in America!
Municipal employee: Have a wonderful day, ma'am.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Cebastian
Then Where Do They Keep Their Cigarettes?
Man: In Europe, all little children are naked.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: I heard about that
Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard...
Dude: I don't have an STD... But I want one!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: katie
See the Colossus of Rhodes?
Tourist: So, what's on the other side of the lake?
Lifeguard: Ummm, that's not a lake -- that's the Atlantic Ocean.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Please Explain How
Man in skirt to bald woman: Seriously... Marijuana-fueled cars. It'd be great! Everyone would be high, and we'd have clean air!
--Avon, New Jersey
Overheard by: Tomatilla
Introducing, the Most Articulate Man in New Jersey
Italian guy about cars with undercarriage lights: Look at these shitheads with the fucking shit on their fucks!
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: quazarfreez
You Know about That?
Guy to pal: Dude, I am pissed. When we were at your mom's house the other night, she didn't even give me a taco. That is horse shit. My mom always gives you a taco.
--Belmar, New Jersey
It's the Most Fun I've Had Since Becoming a Grandfather
Dude #1: So yeah, she got pretty pissed 'cause we were eating all her food.
Dude #2: That sucks. She's a bitch.
Dude #1: Yeah, but then we found the peanut butter -- dude, it was like we just struck gold! And then we spread it all over her bookshelf.
Dude #2: Nice!
Dude #1: Yeah, it was awesome.
--Spring Lake, New Jersey
The Important Thing Is That They're Discussing It
Dude #1: ... And the Hamburglar would go to law school.
Dude #2: No, he'd be a photographer.
Dude #1, after long pause: Yeah, you're right.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Mayor McCheese
But I Can Get by in English, As Long As They Speak Slowly
Canadian girl to Americans: Oh my god! You guys speak Canadian? We've been looking for other people who speak Canadian!
American guy: Yup, only Canadian. No American or English. Only Canadian.
Canadian girl: Awesome! Me, too!
--Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
Dude, Everybody Used to Wear Their Hair Like That
Suburban man #1: What about Sam Adams?
Suburban man #2: Ugh, I hate all Sam Adams beers. I would never touch the stuff.
Suburban man #1: Why?
Suburban man #2: Well, Sam Adams was a gay man. And, well, I believe in gayness, but I just don't think gay people can make beer.
--Lake Waubeeka, Connecticut
Overheard by: Hametuka
Holy Shit -- They Can Fly?
Boater #1: Look at all the geese! Will they move out of the way of the boat?
Boater #2: Of course they'll move. They're just like birds.
--Lake Erie, Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Beth
Can You Get That Back in Manhattan, Kids?
Tourist woman: You know, I heard this island is completely surrounded by water all the way around!
--Coco Cay, Bahamas
Overheard by: Shelley
Oh, Tommy Lee, They Can See Your Penis from Space
Beach bunny: Oh, honey, your bathing suit is see-through when it gets wet.
Surfer dude: What? Can you see my penis?
Beach bunny: Well...
Surfer dude to nearby sunbathers: Can you see my penis?
--Flagler Beach, Florida
Overheard by: the nearest sunbather
How the Marsden Family Ended Up Sold into Cambodian White Slavery
Tourist looking across bay: Is that Hawaii?
Passerby: Yeah. There's a boat that comes by every half hour to bring people there.
Tourist: Thanks. Hey, honey! We're going to Hawaii!
--Wharf, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: El Blingo
Get It Drunk and It'll Do Both at the Same Time
Passenger: Excuse me, sir, but does that staircase go up or down?
Crew member: Yes.
--Boarding a cruise ship
Dolphin: I Prefer Cetecean-Australian, Thanks
Dude: When I was in Florida, there was a dolphin in the water about five feet from me. I never ran so fast in my life.
Chick: Why?
Dude: When something big and black surfaces next to you in the water, you generally start to shit your pants.
--North Burleigh Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Galina
No, They Fly It in for Pictures
Wet swimmer staring at recently caught shark: Did you catch that here?
--Tybee Island Pier, Savannah, Georgia
Overheard by: Shane
There Are So Few Drinking Songs
American #1: This local song, 'Cachaca,' is weird. Isn't that the same word that they use for that booze? That's like having a song just called, like, 'Tequila' or something.
American #2: ... There is a song called 'Tequila.' It was in Pee-wee's Big Adventure.
--Salvador, Brazil
Overheard by: E. Vill. Genius
Or Maybe That's from Watching Sesame Street
Girl: I'm trying to learn some Spanish before we go to Puerto Rico in May.
Guy: I took two years of French in high school, and all I can say is 'Donde esta la biblioteca.'
--Mexican restaurant, Kemah, Texas
I Thought Gulf Was a Gasoline
Teen #1: ... And then I got, like, swept out into the Pacific! It was so scary!
Teen #2: Don't you mean the Atlantic?
Teen #1: Oh, yeah.
Teen #3: You guys are retards. That's the Gulf of Mexico!
Teens #1 and #2: Ohhh.
--St. Simons Island, Georgia
Overheard by: just out for a walk
Yeah, Until It Melts
Teen girl #1: Hey, you can have some of my Coke if you want.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, thanks [sips]. Ugh, it has ice. I'm allergic to ice.
Dude: Oh my god, really? You're allergic to ice?!
--Sydney, Australia
AKA 'Potato Lung'
Dude #1: So, apparently he died from consumption.
Dude #2: Oh, man, I would hate to die from constipation... I think I almost did, once.
Dude #3: Is that what happens when you get tuberculosis?
--Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Juan Dude
Solomon Islands Tourist: Where Did All This Water Come From?
Tourist, about the tide: Where does all the water go?
--Ogunquit Beach, Ogunquit, Maine
Overheard by: C'mon
I Especially Like the 'Wave' Effect
Woman looking at water: Wow! Did you rake the water? It looks nice!
Lifeguard: Yeah, it took me a long time.
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Willie COol
Follow the Rising Sun until You Can't Breathe
Man looking at the Atlantic: So where's the ocean?
--Cocoa Beach Pier, Florida
Of Course, It Could Just Be Schizophrenia
Dude #1: That cloud over the moon looks like the number three! Dude, that is crazy!
Dude #2: Why is that crazy?
Dude #1: Because that was Dale Earnhardt's number. It's like he's speaking to me!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Overheard by: Gambitgirl
Fabled Lost Lemuria
Woman pointing to fishing pier: Where did that bridge used to lead to?
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lifeguard
From This Month's Negligent Mother Magazine
20-something trailer park chick: This one time I was napping, and I just let the baby crawl around the house. I woke up 'cause I felt this tug on the blankets, and I look down and she was makin' this choking sound! So I beat on her back, right, and this penny came out. When my husband came home I was like, 'You can't be leavin' change lyin' around the house!' But, you know, I just knew something was wrong. Just the way she was tugging on my blankets and that sound she was making, I just knew. It's that mother-daughter thing, you know?
--Palm Beach Shores, Florida
Overheard by: Ethan
With Really Nice Tits
Guy #1: Dude, dude! Tits.
Guy #2: Where?
Guy #1 motions to a topless sunbather.
Guy #2: Dude. That's a guy.
--Miami, Florida
Speaking of Slapping Bitches...
Girl #1: She's such a ditz. She's in a band called 'Bitch Slap,' and they all wear matching shirts that say 'Bitch Slap.'
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
--Coffs Harbour, Australia
If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear Her Brain Going Snap, Crackle, Pop
Chick #1: Hey, have you heard of those Rice Krispie treats? They're awesome. They should so make a cereal out of those or something!
Chick #2: You dumbass, they are cereal!
Chick #1: Oh...
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: i like rice krispies
Anyway, All Those Asian Countries Look Alike
Chick #1: So, where are you going for your trip?
Chick #2: Thailand!
Chick #1: Cool! I worked with a guy from Korea once!
Chick #2: Ummm, yeah, that's not the same, really.
Chick #1: It's not? Oh... Things must be different now than from when he lived there.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: American Goods
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
That Was the Hottest Thing I've Ever Seen. I Dream about Her Every Night.
Doctor: This woman came into the ER the other day who had cut herself on the forehead, but instead of using a towel or something to stop the bleeding, she wrapped her head up like seven times with duct tape.
Dork: Holy shit! How did you get it off of her?
Doctor: We had to cut it off in little strips. She looked like a Hershey's Kiss.
Dork: What, you mean she was black?
Doctor: Yes!
--Crane Beach, Massachusetts
So My Strategy is to Throw Money at It and Run Away as Fast as I Can
Walker #1: So I think I am going to train for the LA marathon.
Walker #2: Really? What's the cause?
Walker #1: Well, it's for AIDS. Not that I have AIDS, nor know anyone who does.
Walker #2: Yeah, well, we all know AIDS is bad.
--Olympic & La Cienega Park, Los Angeles, California
All the Good Indentured Servitude Positions Have Been Outsourced to India
American girl #1: You know what I want to get while I'm here in India? A Sherpa. That would be so cool.
American girl #2: What's a Sherpa?
American girl #1: It's, like, a people endemic to the Himalayas. You can buy one, and they carry your stuff for you.
American girl #2: Oooh, that sounds nice!
--Goa, India
Overheard by: Wish I were Canadian
You'd Still Have a Hard Time Scoring
Anorexic girl: I wish I had AIDS. I hear you lose a lot of weight that way.
--San Francisco, California
Overheard by: so not PC
Gidget Goes Commutative
Chick: Fifteen hundred isn't a lot. That's like a thousand... and five hundred.
--Good Harbor Beach, Gloucester, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Alexis
Like Douching While Watching Brad Pitt Strip
Girl #1: Great, now we can't go swimming.
Girl #2: Why not?
Girl #1: 'Cause it's raining. That'd be, like, double wet.
Girl #2: Oh.
--Ocean Grove Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Alex
You Mean Emo? Because That's Not Rock
Dude: I'm looking for a rock that represents me.
--Sandy Neck Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Katherine
God: Who Are You Kidding? I Get This Stuff at Costco
Girl: It's so nice out today. I love natural wind.
--Hilton Head Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Lindsay
Instead, How About 'Beano' or 'Drano'?
Woman: Instead of saying hello, we should say heaveno. Hello gives Satan powers.
--Toronto, Ontario
Overheard by: $ue
Yes, It's Important That They Be Well Educated
Jock: Don't diabetics have to check their pH level?
--Long Beach, New York
Doctors Surgically Removed Her Husband
Woman: It wasn't a boob reduction. It was a boob elimination. You know, a man-sectomy.
--Warren Dunes, Lake Michigan
Overheard by: Andrea
Pfff! I Saw That Show -- It's All 'You Know What the Difference Between Aquatic and Land Mammals Is?'
Tourist lady: Do you know when the dolphin show is?
Lifeguard: Uh, yeah, I think the truck just came with all the dolphins in it... should be in about half an hour.
Tourist lady: Oh, great! Thank you.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Laughing Local
No, It's Actually for Vacationers Who Need a Change of Pace
Teen tourist: Oh my God, there's a high school over there! Wait, does that mean people actually live here? I thought it was just a tourist place. Weird.
--Aruba
They Have Strong Feelings of Self-Loathing
Teen girl #1: God, I hate when people bring their cell phones to the beach.
Teen girl #2: I have my cell phone at the beach right now.
Teen girl #1: Me too.
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
GI Jane Gets Edited For Lifetime
American girl, looking at girl with shaved head: Oh my God, I feel soo bad for her.
American friend #1: 'Cause she has cancer?
American friend #2: Or she's a dyke.
American girl: Either way, it sucks!
--Herzliya Beach, Herzliya, Israel
Christ Returns in the Form of an Idiot, to Test the Compassion of the Modern Beach-Goer
Tourist: Excuse me, are we at the right beach?
Local: Umm...
Tourist: We want to go to the beach where you can see the Golden Gate Bridge.
Local: It's right there.
Tourist: Where?
Local: Why am I talking to you again?
--San Francisco, California
Predator UAV Designers: 'Eeeexcellent!'
Fat guy: Oh boy, that plane looks just like a seagull. You'd never see it coming! Oh wait, that is a seagull.
--Air show, Lake Michigan
Overheard by: Steve W
Two Years Later, He was the Toast of the Whitney Biennial
Tourist: Are you a lifeguard?
Lifeguard: No, I just bring this 12-foot wooden lifeguard stand with me wherever I go.
--Kennebunk, Maine
Overheard by: Mike
Only If the Wind's Blowing in the Right Direction
Ditz: Do you still tan if you don't lie down?
--Jones Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: the imbiber
But She Knows All the Letters on the Eye Chart
Girl #1: Yeah, so I joined this great club at school. They went to Peru over spring break to give eye exams.
Girl #2: Oh yeah? That's kind of far to go for spring break.
Girl #1: I thought so, too. But it'll be better this year because they're going to South America instead.
--Fort Lauderdale Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ava
The San Francisco Lisp More Than Makes Up For Those Cool Accents the Aussies Have
Girl #1: So, I want to move somewhere cool and foreign.
Girl #2: Yeah, that would be great. Where?
Girl #1: I dunno, somewhere like San Francisco or Australia.
Girl #2: That would be so cool.
--Mission Bay, San Diego, California
He Should Tell the Girls There's No Such Thing as College
Family man #1: So, all three of your kids will be in college at the same time? That will be expensive.
Family man #2: Yeah, so I hope that they are all talented so they can get scholarships or they are all so dumb that they can't get into college.
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
No, Dumbass, the Animated TV Movie
Girlfriend: It's so beautiful here in Cape Cod. Wasn't David Copperfield set in Cape Cod?
Boyfriend: Wait? You mean like the magician?
--Ferry to Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: JFN
When Freckles Pop Up, It Means You're Done
Girl #1: I get so many freckles in the sun.
Girl #2: Yeah, I am so going to get cancer in 2 years. I have so much sun damage.
Girl #3: Um, actually freckles just mean that your skin is working.
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Jackie
Einstein: Now This Is Relativity!
American beach-goer #1: I wonder if the people here have trouble understanding us sometimes.
American beach-goer #2: Why would they?
American beach-goer #1: Because of our accents.
American beach-goer #2: But we don't have accents.
--Edinburgh, Scotland
Probably Because It's Only a Hundred Miles From Maryland
Girl #1: She wants me to move to Philadelphia after college, because she has family in Pennsylvania and she wants to visit me.
Girl #2: Why would she want you to move to Philadelphia and not Pennsylvania?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
Venus De Milo Accepted Her Predicament With Customary Good Humor
Chick #1: Why does that hurt your arms but nowhere else?
Chick #2: I dunno. It just does. I have weak arms.
Chick #1: I think you have leukemia...Don't laugh! Leukemia is a horrible disease!
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Oh, That's Just Drowning Girls. Now Get In!
Girl #1: Come on, get in the water.
Girl #2: Yeah, it's nice.
Girl #3: No way! There are sharks!
Girl #1: There aren't any sharks.
Girl #3: Oh yeah? Then why are there so many bubbles?
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
Their Brains Are in a League of Their Own
Movie critic #1: You know that movie, with Tom Hanks, where he plays the drunk baseball player? And the women are the players because the men are gone?
Movie critic #2: Where?
Movie critic #3: To war.
Movie critic #2: So the women played baseball? That wasn't a movie.
Movie critic #1: You know, the movie has that star that's on TV. Bette Davis' daughter.
Movie critic #3: Who?
Debate goes on for several minutes.
Movie critic #1: Wait, it's Geena Davis! She's Betty Davis' daughter! See the resemblence in the eyes?
Movie critic #3: Didn't Betty Davis hate Geena because she was tall?
Movie critic #1: Well, she got the part anyway, didn't she? Geesh, I wish I could remember the name of that movie!
--Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts
On the Other Hand, You Could Be Wrong
Man #1: What kind of clouds are those?
Man #2: Ambidextrous.
Man #1: Oh, yeah. Ambidextrous.
--Corolla, North Carolina
Overheard by: James
She Claims Her Body Needs These 'Calories' to Survive
Ditz #1: She was drinking a soda, and it wasn't even diet.
Ditz #2: You're fucking kidding me. It wasn't diet?
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: awesome teyie
God Lifeguards Summers So He Can Work on His Tan
Lifeguard on megaphone: Attention, beach-goers, due to the sunset, you must get out in 5 minutes or else we will turn the waves off.
Girl: Oh my God! Is he serious?!
--Huntington Beach, California
It Isn't in the Bible, So It's Not Real
Girl #1: I didn't break any of the 10 Commandments today 'cause I was on a plane.
Girl #2: What's a plane?
--Malibu, California
Holy Crap, I Thought I Was in the US!
Girl: What kind of fish is this?
Waitress: Alaskan cod.
Girl: Do ya'll catch that around here?
Waitress: Uh, no. [pointing] That's the Gulf of Mexico.
--Seafood restaurant, Galveston Island, Texas
Pirates 2 Panned by Critics; Deemed Too 'Brainy,' 'Referential'
20-Something girl #1: Yeah, I fell asleep. It was a stupid movie! And that guy with the squid on his face, who was he, Medusa?
20-Something girl #2: You mean Davy Jones?
20-Something girl #1: Yeah. And I was like, what about The Monkees?
20-Something girl #2: There weren't any monkeys.
20-Something girl #1: You're too young to remember the Sixties. Davy Jones was in the Monkees.
20-Something girl #2: Um, Davy Jones the pirate came first. Haven't you ever heard of Davy Jones's locker?
20-Something girl #1: I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.
--Craigville Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Yeah, Along With Some Weird Pink Money with Birds and Queens on it
Police officer: You're under arrest for underage drinking in public.
American teen: But they're from Canada, officer!
Police officer: Got any marijuana in your purse?
--Sandestin, Florida
Overheard by: proudcanadian
Just Like Last Night!
Guy, reading back of girl's shirt, which says "It's 5 o'clock somewhere": I love that t-shirt! 5 cocks!
--Cherry Grove, Fire Island, New York
Overheard by: Tom Johnson
As Soon as the Navy Finishes Fitting Them With Cannons
Tourist to lifeguard: Excuse me. Excuse me! When do they release the dolphins?
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Backnarootie
Ima Bust a Cap in the Damn Space-Time Continuum, Nome Sayin'?
Thug #1: It don't feel like Sunday.
Thug #2: Yo, it don't feel like a day of the week.
--Miami Beach, Florida
Overheard by: monkeybaba
After Arriving at the Beach on Her Half-Shell, Venus Spent Considerable Time Studying Her Reflection
Little girl to her mother: I spy something pretty!
Teenage girl, looking the mirror: It's me.
--Public restroom, Atlantic Beach, North Carolina
I'll Be Somewhere. I Just Won't Know Where.
Girl: So, yeah, when I get a bit of money together, I'm going to travel around Europe for bit.
Guy: Oh, yeah, really?
Girl: Yeah, I'm probably going to train around the country for a couple of months.
Guy: Oh, so like to India and stuff, yeah?
Girl: Yeah.
--Melbourne, Australia
Overheard by: Harrison
Someone Has Spit Out Their Gum Right Here in the Middle of This Drawing of a Penis!
Little boy, pointing to large drawing of a penis in the sand: Oh my God, that is disgusting. Dad, look, it's disgusting!! Dad, do you know what it is?
Dad: Yes.
Mom walks over.
Mom: What is it?
--Popham Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Fitzy
And Driving. I Really Like the Driving. And Yelling.
Guy driving by, yelling out the window: I like sex!!
Same guy driving by a minute later: I like sex!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Will I Be Able To Remember You Afterwards?
Guy: Hey, beautiful ladies! My name is Sean. I run a company that increases the number of hits your website gets on search engines. I'm sure I could help you in your line of work What do you do?
Woman: I'm a neurosurgeon.
Guy: Hey, it's good to see that even a brain surgeon has time to head out to the beach. Let me show you how my company can help you get more business.
Woman: I'm sure it can't.
Guy: Well then, how 'bout I just give you my number?
Woman: How about I just give you a lobotomy?
--Nahant Beach, Massachusetts
Only the Fantastic Four and the 22nd Amendment Could Keep BJ Billy Out of the White House
Woman in restaurant: I hear Clinton might run again. And there's nothing to stop him!
--King's Beach, Tahoe, Nevada
Overheard by: Spectater
Let's Hope They Keep Trying This Before They Have a Chance to Reproduce
Amateur marine biologist #1: Why are they called jellyfish?
Amateur marine biologist #2: They taste like jelly. Duh.
Amateur marine biologist #1: Blueberry jelly?
Amateur marine biologist #2: I dunno. Taste it.
Amateur marine biologist #1, moments later: Cherry.
--Chesapeake Bay
Like a Bump and Grind Moron, or a Quick Fingerbang Moron?
Guy #1: Have you ever had sex on the beach?
Guy #2: The drink or actual sex?
Guy #1: Actual sex.
Guy #2: With a girl?
Guy #1: What the hell else would I mean?! Yeah, with a girl!
Guy #2: Like, actually having sex on the sand, like, right here.
Guy #1: Yeah, like in the sand with a girl on the beach, having sex.
Guy #2: You mean, like, full-on bump and grind sex or a quick fingerbang?
Guy #1: Sex, man, sex!
Guy #2: Because there are many types of sex, like anal and oral...
Guy #1: Full fucking sex! Just answer the question! Have you had sex on the beach? Jesus!
Guy #2: No, man, I haven't.
Guy #1: You're a fucking moron.
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: walking behind them trying not to bust a gut
Inside the Dusty Photo Album, He Could Just Make out the Letters B-E-A...
Amateur musicologist: Paul McCartney had a band before Wings?
--Phoenix, Arizona
Last Night, I Woke Up and He Was Licking My Ass!
Nature's mishap: I can't take off this towel.
Logical friend: Why? You do have something on under that.
Nature's mishap: Well, no.
Logical friend: What?! What happened to your trunks? You didn't lose them in the water, did you?
Nature's mishap: No...they're just gone.
Logical friend, to another guy: I can't keep my eye off of John for one minute, can I, without him doing something stupid?
--Long Beach, New York
I'm Under the Sun.....Now
Women on cell walking down a 2-mile beach: I am right by the water. Where are you?
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: Antzolino
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 'Is That on the Table? Why Wasn't I Informed?!'
Big jock: We just need to give America back to the Muslims.
--Barceloneta Beach, Barcelona, Spain
Overheard by: Confesed Passerby
In Paradise the Garbage Men Will Have Doctorates
30-Something business dude: I've traveled a lot, man, and I've been to Costa Rica, and there are no Indians there. Like, people are educated, and there are people with Master's degrees driving taxi cabs and stuff!
--Golden Gardens, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Be-deez nuts
Things Are So Different Since 9-11
Girl #1: Yeah, so I wore two different colored flip-flops to the mall. It was so humiliating all day, looking like that.
Girl #2: I would've died!
--Ocean Beach, Fire Island, New York
A Cell Phone Is Like a Woman: If It's Not Turned On, It Stays Dry
Wrestler #1: The other day I went in the water, and I forgot my cell phone was in my pocket. It doesn't work anymore.
Wrestler #2: Was it on?
Wrestler #1: Yes.
Wrestler #2: Well, you should have turned it off before you went in!
--The Black Sea
Why It's Better to Eat Vegetables
Girl: What is that?!
Guy, flipping it over: Oh my God. Are those eye sockets?
Girl: Ewww. That's no jellyfish.
Guy: It looks like an alligator head.
Girl: But alligators aren't in salt water. Maybe it got lost?
Guy: Look it has a...spine?
Girl: But a head wouldn't have a-
Woman sitting nearby: -It's a chicken breast. I just threw it out.
Girl and Guy: Oh.
--St. Augustine, Florida
Overheard by: Cristen
Later We'll Eat Out of the Dumpster to Tune Up Our Immune Systems
Girl #1: Do you want to come run with me?
Girl #2: Yeah, just let me finish this cigarette.
Girl #1: Yeah. I think I'll have one, too. It loosens up your lungs.
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Steve
It's Good That You Both Are Planning Ahead For Your Futures as Vagrants
Meathead: God, there are an awful lot of bums here.
Ditzy girl: I know. But think about it, being a bum in San Diego is totally smart. It's never cold, and they can just sleep on the beach, and the church around the corner from my house feeds them for free every day. They've got it made!
Meathead: Totally. Being a bum here must rock. If I ever need to, I'm gonna be a bum here.
Ditzy girl: I know. I don't know why people would be bums anywhere else. I mean, how stupid. If you're gonna be homeless, do it in San Diego. Duh.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: American Goods
At Last, Texas Has Found Its Purpose in the US
Tourist: Hey! You guys musta cleaned up real good after all the hurricanes last year. Everything looks brand new again.
Beach attendant: Excuse me?
Tourist: Yeah, you guys did a better job than all those FEMA guys in New Orleans.
Beach attendant: We didn't get any hurricanes on the West Coast.
Tourist: You must have better levees here then.
Beach attendant: Yeah, we have Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and the rest of California.
--Laguna Beach, California
JAP Repellant 2K6
Girl: If I use cooking oil, do you think I'll tan twice as fast?
Boy: No, but you'll probably smell like bacon.
--Corolla, Outer Banks, North Carolina
Overheard by: Mandy
...We'll Come Down From the Acid
German: We'll see the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, and Disneyland. Then on the second day...
--Los Angeles, California
Tahitian Women: 'There's So Much More to Us Than That!'
Tanned girl: That's not tanning lotion. That's brown paint.
Pale girl: Well, it cost me $80 so it better get me your color. Besides, it says Tahitian women have been using it for years!
Tanned girl: Yeah, and Tahitian women have been having syphilis for years, too.
--Sporting Beach Club, Beirut, Lebanon
Overheard by: Nicolien
When Experimenting, It's Important to Only Change One Variable at a Time
Girlfriend: Hey, do you know I heard down in Brazil they, like, mix sand in with their suntan lotion so that it exfoliates their skin?
Boyfriend: That's fucking stupid.
Girlfriend: Tell me about it! I tried it last year and got a nasty rash. So this year I'm using sand and baby oil.
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
Overheard by: Neeri
The Earth Turns Blue and Moves
Tourist guy: How will we know when we get to the beach?
Bus driver, staring at him: I think you'll figure it out.
--Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: SYDNEYGUY
Yet We Can't Seem to Keep You Off Our Island
American tourist, to black islander carving a sculpture from a log: You people are so talented!
--Straw Market, Nassau, Bahamas
Overheard by: Dumbfounded Tourist
It's a Journey, Not a Destination
Girl #1: And she was like, "Is it too blonde?"
Girl #2: Ah! Like, you can never be too blonde!
Girl #1: Exactly.
--Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: J.J.
Fast and the Furious 4: Barnyard Slide
Chick on cell: Yeah, we got a ticket for going 80 miles per hour on the way here, though. Wanna know why? We were trying to catch up to a giant truck full of chickens!
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: K
I Can't Wait to Hear Where this is Going
Teen girl #1 is making a crease in her towel and filling it with sand.
Teen girl #2: What the fuck are you doing?
Teen girl #1: Look! It's 'de Nile'!
Teen girl #2: What? You mean the Nile River? How could that be the Nile River? There's no water involved!
Teen girl #1, after long pause: Well... Has anyone ever told you that you look like Danny DeVito?
--Jericho Beach, British Columbia, Canadia
Overheard by: bondgirl
A Gentleman Would Refer to It as a Chipmunk
Beach-goer: Holy shit! Is that a squirrel in your panties?!
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: BAJAZEUS
God, We are So Much Grittier than those Spoiled Little Shits on TV
OC dude #1: So, like, when you were at college, did you have to do your own laundry?
OC dude #2: Yeah.
OC dude #1: That sucks. I had to do my own laundry for, like, a year.
OC dude #2: It's actually not that bad.
OC dude #1: Yeah, it actually makes you feel really responsible.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Lena
Today's Forecast: Dawn of Self-Awareness Hidden by Clouds of Stupidity
Over-dressed and self-important guy on cell: No, no, it was some sort of implement she was calling us... No... Rubber? A douchebag? I've heard that before.
--Pacific Palisades, California
Overheard by: ear of the betafish
Randy Found Her Unresponsive, Cowlike Demeanor Strangely Arousing
Fat dude on awkward first date: Yeah, so that's why I didn't put 'Let's meet at Starbucks' in my ad. 'Let's have a beer on the beach,' you know?
Obese chick: Mmm-hmmm.
Fat dude: So... You don't drink?
Obese chick: Hm-mmm.
Fat dude: So, it's fair to say you have a problem with alcohol.
Obese chick: I don't have a problem with it.
Fat dude, after long pause: So, what do you do? I mean, what other hobbies do you have?
Obese chick: I chew a lot of gum.
--Golden Gardens Park, Seattle, Washington
Overheard by: Brooke
We Don't Do that in Public, Either
Girl #1: Hey, I really want to get rid of my short-tan, but I need to change into my bathing suit bottoms.
Girl #2: Go ahead. No one will notice.
Girl #1 takes off her shorts and is about to take off her thong.
Girl #2: Jenny, I was just kidding! Put your shorts back on!
Girl #1: Oh, shit!
--Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: sun-lover
Ignorance Makes Me Harder than Chinese Algebra
Freshman bikini girl #1: College classes are much more lame than I thought they would be.
Freshman bikini girl #2: Yeah. I mean, who cares about, like, the difference between Chinese and Japanese?
Freshman bikini girl #1: Yeah! Or algebra! Like anyone even cares!
Freshman bikini girl #2: Do you have more baby oil?
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: a professor who specializes in Asian cultures
Come Give Mommy a Big Hug
Bigmouth: I don't care where we go, but I am not sitting with Allen... Oh, hi, Allen!
--Fire Island Pines, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Oh, Man... You? Again?
Meathead #1: I was so wasted last night.
Meathead #2: Yeah?
Meathead #1: My girlfriend showed me pictures of me making out with a dude.
Meathead #2: Yeah, I think that was me.
--Revere Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Tom
They're the First Warning Signs of Congenital Stupidity
Little Miss Texas slathering on more baby oil: I don't know why I'm gettin' all these little wrinkles around my eyes, do y'all?
--Waikiki Beach, Hawaii
No, We're Practicing Civil Disobedience
Brainiac: Are you allowed to skinny dip here?
--Nude beach, Sandy Hook, New Jersey
When the Facts Change, I Change My Mind, Sir. What Do You Do?
Guy: See that dark area in the water slowly moving? It's a school of fish
Girl: Wow, are you sure?
Guy: Yup -- snapper.
Girl: Wow, that's amazing. [Long pause] How come it's now on the sand?
Guy: It could also be a cloud.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Rob Kemper
In a Related Story, Keira Knightley Spotted Scouring the Beach for Buried Treasure
Guy: My god, what is that?
Chick: What?
Guy: This thing here. Medical waste is washing up on the shore.
Chick: What are you talking about?
Guy: Right there. It's a breast implant.
Chick: It's a jellyfish, you ninny.
Guy: ... I wondered why there were so many.
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
So, You're from Europe? Do You Know John?
Guy on crowded boardwalk: Hey, you! You, over there! Hey, you in the bathing suit, I'm talking to you! --Orchard Beach, Maine
