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And Hard to Breathe
20-something girl, coming out of the ocean: This water's salty!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
You're Barefoot, Amy
Sober girl: You have no idea what's going on!
Drunk blonde: Yes I do! I am still totally relevant to what is going on!
Sober girl: Wait, what?
Drunk blonde: Oh, relevant of! Relevant of what is going on!... Aren't these shoes sexy?
--Santa Barbara, California
...According to That Cosmo Quiz
Over-tanned lady to beach bum eating plum: I would rather drink shower water than eat unwashed fruit.
--Ala Moana Center, Honolulu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Jade Buddha
God Does the Rest
Tourist: Where do they put the sand in the winter?
Local, sarcastically: Oh, they put it in bags and store it in the convention center.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: OC local
Let Me Define My Terms
Old hairy guy: Welcome to the Pacific Ocean!
Dumb blonde: Huh? The ocean? I thought you said we were going to the beach!
--Beverly Beach, Oregon
Overheard by: please tell me she's kidding
Wait for It...
Woman to husband, watching the sunset: Why doesn't the sun ever set in front of the clouds?
--Pacific Grove, California
Overheard by: never enough sunscreen
The Lead Singer Picked Me Up in a Bar Last Night
Teen bimbette: So I heard about this new band that just came out. The lead singer is really cute... they're called The Doors.
--South California
Like a Computer, Baby!
20-something guy to deck hand, pointing to stairs: Do these stairs go down?
--Boat, Boston Harbor
Overheard by: Deck Hand
Is This Thing On?
Bikini girl #1: Oh my god, he was totally sleeping, and his member was, like, totally awake. Like, hello?!
Bikini girl #2, giggling: Yeah, hello?!
Bikini girl #3, giggling: Hello?!
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
You, Not So Much
Teen girl #1: The sand is so hot!
Teen girl #2: That's why God put the sand near the water.
Teen girl #1: God was a genius!
--Fair Haven Beach, New York
Overheard by: Jane
Then It Would Be Lake Superior
Smart guy: The ocean would be so much better if there wasn't salt in it. Then it'd be perfect.
--Old Orchard Beach, Maine
Overheard by: shawshank
First Tell Me What You Think a Beach Is
Tourist standing on beach: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the beach is?
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Shannon
Florida Lies Outside the Normal Space-Time Continuum
20-ish blonde: What time is it in Florida?
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Dude, That Is the Shittiest Ghost Story in the Whole World
Dude: ... So I'm, like, sitting there and she just keeps staring at me! So you know what I did? I threw my pizza crust at her forehead... And she started to bleed! I mean, that was some hard pizza crust, man! And you know what did said? Nothing! She just kept staring!
--Dewey Beach, Delaware
Hopefully They'll Never Find Out I Cheated with Those Nantucket Nectars
40-year-old man #1: Water bottles are a major part of my life.
40-year-old man #2: Yeah...
--Hammonasset Beach, Connecticut
Overheard by: Very amused
And Water, or Something
Guy: Why is there water on the outside of my can?
Girl: I don't know. I think it has to do with cold.
--Puerto Vallarta, Mexico
Overheard by: Kristy
In Case of Emergency, We Use Fat Virginians
Woman: So, since the hurricane is coming, are they going to put up the hurricane shield?
Municipal employee: Hurricane shield?
Woman: Yes, the hurricane shield. Doesn't the city have a shield you put up to block the wind and such from the hurricane?!
Municipal employee: Ma'am, no such thing exists.
Woman, sarcastically: Well, aren't you guys just the most prepared beach town in America!
Municipal employee: Have a wonderful day, ma'am.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Cebastian
Then Where Do They Keep Their Cigarettes?
Man: In Europe, all little children are naked.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: I heard about that
Not the Worst Pick-Up Line We've Ever Heard...
Dude: I don't have an STD... But I want one!
--Panama City Beach, Florida
Overheard by: katie
See the Colossus of Rhodes?
Tourist: So, what's on the other side of the lake?
Lifeguard: Ummm, that's not a lake -- that's the Atlantic Ocean.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Please Explain How
Man in skirt to bald woman: Seriously... Marijuana-fueled cars. It'd be great! Everyone would be high, and we'd have clean air!
--Avon, New Jersey
Overheard by: Tomatilla
Introducing, the Most Articulate Man in New Jersey
Italian guy about cars with undercarriage lights: Look at these shitheads with the fucking shit on their fucks!
--Jersey Shore, New Jersey
Overheard by: quazarfreez
You Know about That?
Guy to pal: Dude, I am pissed. When we were at your mom's house the other night, she didn't even give me a taco. That is horse shit. My mom always gives you a taco.
--Belmar, New Jersey
It's the Most Fun I've Had Since Becoming a Grandfather
Dude #1: So yeah, she got pretty pissed 'cause we were eating all her food.
Dude #2: That sucks. She's a bitch.
Dude #1: Yeah, but then we found the peanut butter -- dude, it was like we just struck gold! And then we spread it all over her bookshelf.
Dude #2: Nice!
Dude #1: Yeah, it was awesome.
--Spring Lake, New Jersey
The Important Thing Is That They're Discussing It
Dude #1: ... And the Hamburglar would go to law school.
Dude #2: No, he'd be a photographer.
Dude #1, after long pause: Yeah, you're right.
--Rehoboth Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Mayor McCheese
But I Can Get by in English, As Long As They Speak Slowly
Canadian girl to Americans: Oh my god! You guys speak Canadian? We've been looking for other people who speak Canadian!
American guy: Yup, only Canadian. No American or English. Only Canadian.
Canadian girl: Awesome! Me, too!
--Punta Cana, Dominican Republic
Dude, Everybody Used to Wear Their Hair Like That
Suburban man #1: What about Sam Adams?
Suburban man #2: Ugh, I hate all Sam Adams beers. I would never touch the stuff.
Suburban man #1: Why?
Suburban man #2: Well, Sam Adams was a gay man. And, well, I believe in gayness, but I just don't think gay people can make beer.
--Lake Waubeeka, Connecticut
Overheard by: Hametuka
Holy Shit -- They Can Fly?
Boater #1: Look at all the geese! Will they move out of the way of the boat?
Boater #2: Of course they'll move. They're just like birds.
--Lake Erie, Cleveland, Ohio
Overheard by: Beth
Can You Get That Back in Manhattan, Kids?
Tourist woman: You know, I heard this island is completely surrounded by water all the way around!
--Coco Cay, Bahamas
Overheard by: Shelley
Oh, Tommy Lee, They Can See Your Penis from Space
Beach bunny: Oh, honey, your bathing suit is see-through when it gets wet.
Surfer dude: What? Can you see my penis?
Beach bunny: Well...
Surfer dude to nearby sunbathers: Can you see my penis?
--Flagler Beach, Florida
Overheard by: the nearest sunbather
How the Marsden Family Ended Up Sold into Cambodian White Slavery
Tourist looking across bay: Is that Hawaii?
Passerby: Yeah. There's a boat that comes by every half hour to bring people there.
Tourist: Thanks. Hey, honey! We're going to Hawaii!
--Wharf, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: El Blingo
Get It Drunk and It'll Do Both at the Same Time
Passenger: Excuse me, sir, but does that staircase go up or down?
Crew member: Yes.
--Boarding a cruise ship
Dolphin: I Prefer Cetecean-Australian, Thanks
Dude: When I was in Florida, there was a dolphin in the water about five feet from me. I never ran so fast in my life.
Chick: Why?
Dude: When something big and black surfaces next to you in the water, you generally start to shit your pants.
--North Burleigh Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Galina
No, They Fly It in for Pictures
Wet swimmer staring at recently caught shark: Did you catch that here?
--Tybee Island Pier, Savannah, Georgia
Overheard by: Shane
There Are So Few Drinking Songs
American #1: This local song, 'Cachaca,' is weird. Isn't that the same word that they use for that booze? That's like having a song just called, like, 'Tequila' or something.
American #2: ... There is a song called 'Tequila.' It was in Pee-wee's Big Adventure.
--Salvador, Brazil
Overheard by: E. Vill. Genius
Or Maybe That's from Watching Sesame Street
Girl: I'm trying to learn some Spanish before we go to Puerto Rico in May.
Guy: I took two years of French in high school, and all I can say is 'Donde esta la biblioteca.'
--Mexican restaurant, Kemah, Texas
I Thought Gulf Was a Gasoline
Teen #1: ... And then I got, like, swept out into the Pacific! It was so scary!
Teen #2: Don't you mean the Atlantic?
Teen #1: Oh, yeah.
Teen #3: You guys are retards. That's the Gulf of Mexico!
Teens #1 and #2: Ohhh.
--St. Simons Island, Georgia
Overheard by: just out for a walk
Yeah, Until It Melts
Teen girl #1: Hey, you can have some of my Coke if you want.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, thanks [sips]. Ugh, it has ice. I'm allergic to ice.
Dude: Oh my god, really? You're allergic to ice?!
--Sydney, Australia
AKA 'Potato Lung'
Dude #1: So, apparently he died from consumption.
Dude #2: Oh, man, I would hate to die from constipation... I think I almost did, once.
Dude #3: Is that what happens when you get tuberculosis?
--Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Juan Dude
Solomon Islands Tourist: Where Did All This Water Come From?
Tourist, about the tide: Where does all the water go?
--Ogunquit Beach, Ogunquit, Maine
Overheard by: C'mon
I Especially Like the 'Wave' Effect
Woman looking at water: Wow! Did you rake the water? It looks nice!
Lifeguard: Yeah, it took me a long time.
--Caroga Lake, New York
Overheard by: Willie COol
Follow the Rising Sun until You Can't Breathe
Man looking at the Atlantic: So where's the ocean?
--Cocoa Beach Pier, Florida
Of Course, It Could Just Be Schizophrenia
Dude #1: That cloud over the moon looks like the number three! Dude, that is crazy!
Dude #2: Why is that crazy?
Dude #1: Because that was Dale Earnhardt's number. It's like he's speaking to me!
--Nags Head, North Carolina
Overheard by: Gambitgirl
Fabled Lost Lemuria
Woman pointing to fishing pier: Where did that bridge used to lead to?
--Wildwood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Lifeguard
From This Month's Negligent Mother Magazine
20-something trailer park chick: This one time I was napping, and I just let the baby crawl around the house. I woke up 'cause I felt this tug on the blankets, and I look down and she was makin' this choking sound! So I beat on her back, right, and this penny came out. When my husband came home I was like, 'You can't be leavin' change lyin' around the house!' But, you know, I just knew something was wrong. Just the way she was tugging on my blankets and that sound she was making, I just knew. It's that mother-daughter thing, you know?
--Palm Beach Shores, Florida
Overheard by: Ethan
With Really Nice Tits
Guy #1: Dude, dude! Tits.
Guy #2: Where?
Guy #1 motions to a topless sunbather.
Guy #2: Dude. That's a guy.
--Miami, Florida
Speaking of Slapping Bitches...
Girl #1: She's such a ditz. She's in a band called 'Bitch Slap,' and they all wear matching shirts that say 'Bitch Slap.'
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
Girl #1: They do so!
Girl #2: They do not!
--Coffs Harbour, Australia
If You Listen Closely, You Can Hear Her Brain Going Snap, Crackle, Pop
Chick #1: Hey, have you heard of those Rice Krispie treats? They're awesome. They should so make a cereal out of those or something!
Chick #2: You dumbass, they are cereal!
Chick #1: Oh...
--Robert Moses Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: i like rice krispies
Anyway, All Those Asian Countries Look Alike
Chick #1: So, where are you going for your trip?
Chick #2: Thailand!
Chick #1: Cool! I worked with a guy from Korea once!
Chick #2: Ummm, yeah, that's not the same, really.
Chick #1: It's not? Oh... Things must be different now than from when he lived there.
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: American Goods
Stupid Man, the Correct Response Is 'Because You're Here, Blondie'
Bimbette: What is it about the beach that attracts sunlight?
Guy: Attracts sunlight?
Bimbette: Yeah, it's always sunnier at the beach.
Guy: Uh, maybe you need to sit in the shade for a while.
--Sandy Point State Park, Maryland
That Was the Hottest Thing I've Ever Seen. I Dream about Her Every Night.
Doctor: This woman came into the ER the other day who had cut herself on the forehead, but instead of using a towel or something to stop the bleeding, she wrapped her head up like seven times with duct tape.
Dork: Holy shit! How did you get it off of her?
Doctor: We had to cut it off in little strips. She looked like a Hershey's Kiss.
Dork: What, you mean she was black?
Doctor: Yes!
--Crane Beach, Massachusetts
So My Strategy is to Throw Money at It and Run Away as Fast as I Can
Walker #1: So I think I am going to train for the LA marathon.
Walker #2: Really? What's the cause?
Walker #1: Well, it's for AIDS. Not that I have AIDS, nor know anyone who does.
Walker #2: Yeah, well, we all know AIDS is bad.
--Olympic & La Cienega Park, Los Angeles, California