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...Have Some Fucking Family Fun!
Attractive dad in front of giant sting ray swim tank: There will always be times in your life where you will have fear, but when you do it anyway, it makes it easier the next time. Okay, buddy?
Skinny eight-year-old with snot dripping down his nose: (nods)
Attractive dad: Okay, let's go.
--Discovery Cove, Orlando, Florida
Overheard by: I was scared
And Terrorists Are Da Bomb.
Eight-year-old boy to random adult: I want to be a terrorist just like my grandpa!
Shocked random adult: Wouldn't you rather be a police officer or a Texas Ranger or something?
Eight-year-old boy: No. They don't get paaaaaid!
--New Smyrna Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Rachel Marie
Unlike the Cuntlefish
Little girl to parents: That octopus has lots of testicles!
--Apollo Bay, Victoria, Australia
I Also Would Have Accepted "Yes"
Little girl: Do you have a stronger brain or a stronger heart?
Dad: Who?
Little girl: You?
Dad: Both.
--Rye, New York
Overheard by: Lobster
...Go Play with That Shiny Medical Waste, Becky.
Little girl, getting to beach: Wow, look! Sea shells! I'm gonna find a real one today!
Mom and dad, disinterested: Mm-hmm...
--Wrightsville Beach, North Carolina
Worst. Facial. Ever.
Young boy: Don't fire the rocket launcher until I can go and get it! I'm already down to my third layer of skin, cuz the rest of it burned off!
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Narwhal
That's What You Said About the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria
Little boy: Dad, what's the navy?
Dad: It's the army, but with boats.
--South Haven, Michigan
Parasiteseeing Is Why People Go to Jones Beach
Boy, about people stepping on crabs: Looks like I'm not the only one with crab problems.
--Jones Beach, New York
Homeschooling: The Dark Side.
Little city boy chasing seagull on the beach: Come here, you flying chicken!
Mom: That is not a chicken, that is a pigeon or something!
Little boy: I said come here, come here, you chicken head!
--Seaside, Oregon
And Let's Not Even Talk About Where They're Putting It!
Little kid, running in tears: I'm in the twilight zone! Adults are playing with sand!
--Coney Island Beach, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: ksenka
Wait'll She Loses Custody
Little boy running down the beach: Mother nature's gone all wrong!
--Santa Monica Beach, California
Overheard by: LilRedSeaglass
Yaaaayyy!!
Young boy excitedly walking out of the ocean with father: Mom! It's still so early in the morning and I already almost drowned!
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: jt
Henry VIII Was to Wreak Vengeance on All Womankind
Cute four-year-old to slightly chubbier four-year-old digging hole in the sand: Whatcha doing?
Chubby four-year-old: You can't play with me.
Cute four-year-old: Oh. (pause) Well, you're fat. (walks away)
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: The Older Sister
Yep, Sounds Like Him.
Six-year-old to mother: A big wave just came and knocked me down and carried me away and some lady helped me up.
Mother: Why didn't your father help you up?
Six-year-old, in sneering voice: Cuz he was too busy going "hahahahaha!"
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: just the Aunt
It's a Lead Boogieboard
10-year-old boy #1 in the pool: The sign says no flotation devices.
10-year-old boy #2: This isn't a flotation device, it's a boogie board.
10-year-old boy #1: A boogie board is a flotation device!
--Panama City, Florida
Overheard by: a schooner is a sailboat
Sand Killed My Father
Kid #1: After this, we should sunbathe.
Kid #2: I don't want to sunbathe.
Kid #1: Why?
Kid #2: I just don't.
Kid #1: But then you can get a tan!
Kid #2: I don't want a tan.
Kid #1: Why?
Kid #2: Because it sounds like "sand," and I hate sand.
--Camping Ground, Kerikeri, New Zealand
Overheard by: Kelly
...When You Think You're a Total Mary Magdalene
Little boy, angrily to sister: You're such a virgin, Mary!!
--Miami, Florida
Overheard by: Megan
Kids Learn to Fight by Watching Their Parents
Six-year-old girl: Hey! Don't throw sand at me! How would you like it if I threw sand at you? Huh?
Six-year-old boy: Go ahead, I dare you. I wouldn't care, I like the sand. I'll lay down in it right now if you want. Now shut up, and keep digging.
--Fairfield Beach, Ohio
Overheard by: SHU friends
Minneapolis Kids Emerge from Hibernation After a Long Wii-inter
Dad to kid: You guys want to rent a canoe?
Kid: Canoe!? That's super hard, even on the Wii, much less in real water!
--Lake Calhoun Beach, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: caveman
Also What God Was Going for
Young boy, sitting in water and throwing wet sand around: I'm going to bury the beach in sand!
--Patricia Beach, Manitoba, Canadia
Overheard by: think I can say
What Happens When New York Kids Are Exposed to Direct Sunlight
Mom, pushing crying three-year-old: You cannot cry here! Wait till we get back to New York, where it s snowing, to cry!
--Isla Verde, San Juan, Puerto Rico
Overheard by: i wanna cry too!
Indigenous Australians: Thanks, but We're Not Accepting Recruits
Little boy #1: I'm getting really tanned on this holiday.
Little boy #2: Yeah, you're turning into an aboriginal. When I grow up I want to be an aboriginal like you.
--Batemans Bay, Australia
Submitter Needs to Get Over Himself
Mother: Remember: when you have to use the bathroom at the beach, you go in the water, right?
Toddler: Okay, mommy.
--East Hampton, New York
Overheard by: I'll never swim again
Both!
Little boy to friend: Ryan, do you want this hermit crab to pinch your nipples now or later?
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Overheard by: MsKrabs
Grandma's Still on Probation
Grandmother to two small children near cliff: Only one of you at a time, I don't want to be responsible for two small children falling off the cliff.
--Fort Williams Park, Maine
Like the Platypus, and the Otter.
Little boy: Mommy, dolphins don't have gills!
Mom: Yes they do, honey; all fishes have gills.
--Hawaii
Overheard by: Sarah
When Kittens Socialize
10-year-old boy: We're going to have a hundred babies together.
14-year-old girl: What do you think I am?
10-year-old boy: A pregnant machine.
--Tampa, Florida
Too Soon, Mom
Three-year-old girl, swaying her hips: Mommy, do I look like a teenager?
--Fire Island, New York
...And I Love You For It, Honey
Mother to child, as they leave the beach: You're like walkin', talkin' birth control.
--Brownie Lake, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Erin Christey
Dude, You Suck at "Yo Mama"
11-year-old Korean boy to 11-year-old Egyptian boy: You live in pyramid and you mummy!
--Christchurch, New Zealand
Overheard by: novalis
Or Sunblock
Mother to screaming child throwing sachets of sugar: Do that again and you won't get a babycino.
--Café, Bondi Beach, Australia
Overheard by: GGary
Ad: Got Grandma?
Adult son to mom: Thanks for babysitting the kids, ma. You know why I love you?
Rockin granny: Cuz I breastfed you for 12 years?
Ten year old grandson: Oh my god!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
...and Embarrass Me in Front Of My Criminal Enterprise Assoicates
Tattooed dad to two-year-old daughter struggling to get on tricycle: Remember, sweetie, always get on from the left so you don't burn yourself on the exhaust pipe.
--Playground, Alameda, California
Overheard by: lith
Robin Laid an Egg!
Little boy: Ew, dad! Look! Dog poo!
Father: No, I think that's bat poo.
Little boy: Batman's poo?
--Byron Bay, Australia
Just As Long As You Got His Consent First.
Little girl to boy: Guess what?
Boy: What?
Girl: I'm in George's hole!
--Diggers Beach, Australia
Overheard by: Maddy
In the Kingdom Of the Pantless, the One-Thonged Man Is King
Seven-year-old girl to friend: Kyle says he's going to go through all the girls' bags and steal their undies.
--Outdoor Swimming Pool, Victoria, Australia
Overheard by: Mr. E
Who Says Science Can't Be Fun?
Little girl voice: Get a flame thrower! (a few minutes later) Firegirl gets iced!
--Oceanside, California
Overheard by: What goes on in my neighborhood?
They Must Be Taking the Tom Cruise
Mother to young child: Do you hear the ship, honey?
Child: No, mommy, I don't.
Mother: Do you feel the ship moving?
Child: Yes! I feel my shit moving.
--Carnival Freedom Cruise, Caribbean Sea
Overheard by: InTheNextStall
There Are Black People in Minnesota?
Little black girl, as it starts to rain: It be droplin'!
--Elm Creek Beach, Minnesota
Overheard by: Life Guard
Belinda Calls 'em As She Sees 'em
Guy standing in front of store: I can't believe it! That little girl just said "asshole"! I can't believe it! (gestures at two-year-old inside parked car)
Little girl: Asshole!
Guy: I can't believe it that little girl said "asshole" again!
Mother: Ni-iiice.
--Tampa, Florida
Overheard by: ISPgypsy
I Do Not Think That Word Means What You Think It Means
Little boy: I don't want to put on sunscreen!
Older sister: Do you want to look like a Nang?
Little boy: What?
Older sister: Well, that's the thing about Nangs, they get burnt!
--Byron Bay, Australia
A+ Nose-Picking, Though.
Older brother: Okay, okay, run around and grab all the sand and pick it up and throw it on the ground as fast as you can.
(little brother stares cluelessly at older brother)
Older brother: No, you fail!
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Overheard by: Joseph Hammerman
Shark: Ralph, Do You Have to Play the Jaws Theme Non-Stop?
Middle aged tourist yelling frantically to children in the water: Get out, get out! There's sharks!
Teenager with skimboard: Actually, those are a school of stingrays. They're quite harmle...
Middle age mother, cutting him off: Shaaarks! Get out now!
--Clearwater Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Jonica Grompson
Jesus, What Do You Have to Do to Get Exiled from New Jersey?
Little boy: Why do you live in New York now?
Uncle: Well, the family don't love me anymore.
Little boy: Huh? But...?
Uncle: Yeah, but you're lucky, they still love you. If they didn't, you'd have to live in New York with me.
--Seaside Heights, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kate-in-Oz
What? It's Really Fat.
Little boy standing at pier railing, looking at beach: Look, dad! I can see America from here!
--Seal Beach Pier, California
...Starring Will.i.am As John the Baptist
Band kid to another: It was both gay and funny, like Jesus and Fergie combined.
--Palm Coast, Florida
Overheard by: Dahbuke
Then That Toast You Made Me for Breakfast Was All Lies?
Mom to toddler: Do not take your bathing suit off! You can't walk around naked! We're not French!
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
Well Can I at Least Kick My Brother?
Little girl: Daddy, can I kick the birds?
Dad: No.
Little girl: Why not?
Dad: Birds are nice!
--Santa Monica, California
Overheard Editors: Is She One Of Us?
Little girl: Why is the ghost still here?
Dad: She just likes to come back and say hi from the spirit world.
Little girl: But why does she throw books?
Dad: She doesn't throw books, she just likes to read. And she's a little drunk.
--Hotel Del Coronado, San Diego, California
Hopefully Only Sorrows Will Be Drowned Today.
Mother to five-year-old son: If anything happens get help from a lifeguard. Mommy's gonna be at the bar.
--Blizzard Beach, Disney World, Florida
I'd Hoped to Be Fat in My Own Way
Adorable little girl: Daddy, I want a hamburger!
Bitter dad: No, hamburgers will make you fat. Do you want to be fat like your mommy? Is that what you want?
--3rd Street Promenade, Santa Monica, California
No More McDonald's for You, Pal
Hot dad: No, it's because I prefer other foods.
Small boy clinging to his back: Like people poopy?
--Vancouver Sea Walk, Canada
Overheard by: Rosie
Also Why She Doesn't Let Him Go to Sports Stadiums
Frantic Italian woman to toddler walking along shore: Stay away from the waves! Stay away from the waves!
--Seawatch Beach, Manasquan, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mimi
To Only Do It at Night?
Mother to son: What did he tell you about playing on his mound?
--Riis Park Beach, New York
Overheard by: Britt
Like the E.R.?
Little girl: Look! I can fit an entire Gatorade cap in my mouth! (demonstrates)
Teenage boy to teenage girl: That girl's going places.
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Great White Ones!
Little black kid: Why can't we go in the pool?
Friend: What pool? That ain't no pool, nigga, it's got sharks in it!
--Coney Island Boardwalk, New York
Guess I Need Bigger Sunglasses
Young boy to father: Dad, do you know those girls?
Father: No!
Young boy: Oh, 'cause you keep staring at them...
--Lake McConaughy, Nebraska
...As Part Of the "Tatts for Tots" Program
Three-year-old girl with strong Southern accent: I am gonna get tattoos all over myself.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: james
Some Punitive Swimming Lessons Are in Order
Guy holding small boy: Well, I don't think it's funny when you do things that you don't do!
--Presque Isle, Erie, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
Which Explains Why You Saw Me Debriefing One in the Shower
Woman, to young son: No, honey, mommy has two attorneys.
--Brighton Beach, Brooklyn, New York
Overheard by: Lotte
Welcome to the Place Where the Sun Don't Shine
Five-year-old at the beach: This is the worst day of my life!
--Brighton, England
...I Just Use This One to Reach It
Small child, screaming: Do you have a boat?
Man in giant boat off shore: Yes.
--North Carolina
Overheard by: jen
Mary Protected Jesus As Long As She Could
Little boy wearing rash guard: Mom, that little boy isn't wearing a shirt.
Mom: Mmm-huh.
Little boy: Why doesn't he have to wear a shirt?
Mom: Because his mom doesn't love him, that's why. He'll get skin cancer and die.
--Salisbury Beach, Massachusetts
You Can Call It "Baby Weight" Until the Baby Leaves for College
Flabby mom in bikini, having picture taken with three kids: Honey, come stand in front of mommy's tummy.
--Penfield Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
The Tragic Part Is, She's Trying to Say "Gaydar"
Woman to six-year-old son and friends: Wait, so do you pronounce it "Jäger" or "gay-ger"?
--Del Mar, California
Then Why Do You Keep Making Me the Designated Driver?
Six-year-old boy, fully dressed in Lacoste: I am almost your age.
Father, fully dressed in Lacoste: You are not almost my age.
--Atlantis Resort & Casino, Bahamas
And Break the Kosher Laws!
Little girl: If a pig spits in your eye, you'll get the flu.
--Takapuna Beach, Auckland, New Zealand
Put the Super Soaker Down, Bobby.
Young child, chasing friends: The only way to kill fish is by using acid! The only way to kill fish is by using acid!
--Jetty, South Australia
Critics Rave, "The Little Mersavior Is a Rollicking, Non-Canonical Laugh Riot"
Little girl to mom: The seaweed tickles! It's like Baby Jesus is underwater, tickling my feet himself!
--Vero Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Incredulous
The Lord Generally Ignores Fast-Food Prayers
Walrusy pink tourist mom, juggling McDonald's bags and towels: Are those seagulls following us?
Dancing pink tourist toddler: I want hanka burger and French-ah fries!
(seagulls swoop over them, attacking the bags)
Dancing pink tourist, shrieking: Oh my god! My French-ah fries!
--St. Peterburg Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Sandy Paws
...Snap a Photo, and Use It for This Year's Christmas Card.
Mom to four-year-old son and two-year-old daughter: When that bird shits on you, I'm gonna laugh.
--Madeira Beach, Florida
Overheard by: touched by an uncle
Maybe Summer School Would Help
Kid: Mom, we get two months off for school this summer right?
Mom: No, you get like eight weeks.
Kid: Oh, okay.
--Ocean Beach, California
Overheard by: Stephanie
You Know How That Is, Mom.
Ten year old boy, flipping over on towel: Man, I'm sweating like a fat chick!
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Robin M. StPierre
But Mummy, I'm Too Old to Nurse in Public!
British mother to young child: Either put it in your mouth or I'm giving it to charity!
--Miami Beach, Florida
Then You Have a Lot to Learn About Pink Leg-Warmers, Bobby.
Little boy, looking at large man: I thought only girls had those.
--Florida
Overheard by: Northern Lad
Magic Elves Can't Spell for Shit
Mother to child: What?! Is this writing on your arm? Oh, no...don't say you don't know! Tell me: was it a little magic elf that did this to you?! Was it?!
--Sasco Beach, Fairfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: halliefaith
We Have Enough Imaginary Llamas to Deal with As It Is
Hot teen girl #1: Sexy llama come to mama. (throws imaginary lasso)
Hot teen girl #2 (caught in the imaginary lasso): Unce unce unce unce...yes.
Random lady to son nearby: See honey, this is why we don't eat magical mushrooms.
--Rehoboth Beach, Deleware
Overheard by: kevin
To Some White People, There's Only One Big Black Person
Six-year-old girl (about book on Obama): That's our new President!
Teen: Yeah, do you know what his name is?
Six-year-old girl: Martin Luther King!
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: tori
Then I Told Her It Meant She Wouldn't Have to Pay for College
Boy: I told my mom I wanted to be a pirate, and she got really pissed at me and told me they rape and kill and pillage!
--Ocean City Beach, Maryland
And So It Begins
Boy being changed on changing table (babbling): Bama amma bama.
Mother: Obama Obama Obama.
--Restroom, Royal Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Penelope
At Least He Didn't Call Me "Woman" This Time
Mom, while burying her four-year-old son in the sand: Yo, did you hear what he just said? He said "don't pat too hard or my balls will explode!"
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Overheard by: That's why I'm scared to have kids
Some Children Are Never Properly Leash Trained
Tired-looking mother: Alice! Heel!
--Hunstanton, England
Overheard by: Dan
Now Go Make Friends
Mother: Do you know how dogs introduce themselves to each other?
Eight-year-old daughter: No, how?
Mother: They sniff each other's butts.
--Guam
Overheard by: Nadine
Where Would Human Civilization Be Without That Phrase?
Mom to young child eating a Popsicle: Stop putting that in your mouth! It's done, there's nothing left.
Young woman nearby: That's what he said.
--Long Beach Island, New Jersey
Overheard by: Tara
No, That's What Your Mother Refuses to Give Me
Guy to daughter: Okay, here's one: Oink, oink!
Daughter: That's a pig!
Guy: Cock-a-doodle-do!
Daughter: That's a...morning chicken.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Here4theLaughs
Amazing Anything Can Live on the New Jersey Coast
Guido mom to small boy holding a horseshoe crab: Eww! What is that?
Random Guido: Is it a stingray?
Guido mom: Do stingrays even live in the ocean?
--Belmar, New Jersey
You'll Look for Any Excuse to Bring Up Denny's
Boy #1: So "home run" means "married with babies"?
Boy #2: Yeah, but I like Grand Slams the best.
--Penfield Beach, Connecticut
Many Adults Make the Same Face for Both
Bald man to baby on blanket (in baby voice): Do you have somethin' to say? Are you thinkin'? Are you thinkin'? Yes you are.
Woman next to him: He's pooping.
Bald man: Are you poopin'? Are you poopin'? Yes you are!
--Sunset Beach, North Carolina
Overheard by: Emma
And, for the Last Time, That's Not a Scorpion Bite
30-something mom dragging toddler down path: What do you mean your legs hurt? You're four years old! My legs don't even hurt and I'm like three times your age!
--Bay Shore, Long Island, New York
Like Ninjas, Popes Start Training As Children
Little boy to friend: You wouldn't even know about Jesus if it wasn't for me!
--Wild Wood, New Jersey
Overheard by: Andie
No More Degrassi for You, Young Lady
Ten-year-old girl to mother, excitedly: I have the right to choose!
--Royal Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Penelope
We Don't Know, Either
Black woman to toddler running wild: Tyrone, get yo' black ass over here or I will spank you like a white man!
--Venice Beach, Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: White girl
Let's Go Find the Slot Machine Your Mother's Tied to
Kid, looking out at the Atlantic ocean: Is that the ocean?
Dad: I think it's one of the great lakes.
--Boardwalk, Atlantic City, New Jersey
By Lying on Our Backs and Waving Our Legs in the Air
Toddler: Mom, we are the hermit crabs that are going to change the world.
--Monterey, California
They Never Call
Little girl to friend, after being put back into standing position by a wave: Haha! That wave just knocked me up!
--Craigville Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Sarah
She'll Have a Flashback to This Moment, Years Later in the Back of a Car
Four-year-old girl (disappointed, looking at a jellyfish): I've never seen one of these before...but I thought it would be longer.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: I Was Surprised Too
Some Episodes Of To Catch a Predator Are Just Pathetic
Overweight woman chasing squirrley eight-year-old on the beach: Get over...boy! You get...boy! Boy! You lucky I can't run fast in this sand!
--Beach Boardwalk, Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: Go Kid Go!
Tonight's Movie: The Endless Bummer
Mom (to son #1): That's not all you're carrying! Take more. (to son #2) Good job, genius, you got sand in the cooler! (to both sons) Say goodbye to the beach, you'll never see it again.
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Mikey
Or Just That Labia Piercing?
10-year-old boy to younger sister: Did you get a tramp stamp?
--Pt. Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Kim
Sharks: Mmmm, Pulled Long Pork!
Kid: Wouldn't it suck if you had a boogie board with razor blades on it? It'd be like weeeee-aahhhhhhhh!
--Santa Monica, California
That's What He Said!
Little kid on the beach: Ew! It smells like the ocean!
--Cape May, New Jersey
Overheard by: Megan
Every Family Has Its Secret Shame
Seven-year-old, loudly: What do you mean nana doesn't vote Democrat?!
--Cape May, New Jersey
Overheard by: The RJP
Two Rudes Just Make a Prude
Little girl, pointing at a couple making out: Hey! Look, daddy! We have to stop and stare now.
Dad: Shh! No, sweetie. What they are doing is rude, but staring is rude too.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Tonight, on House...
Little girl, screaming to mother on an excruciatingly hot day: Mommy, my eyes are sweating!
--Coney Island Beach, New York
For the Same Reason the Back of Your Hand Looks Different from the Front
Little girl: Mommy, is this Lake Michigan?
Mom: Yes, honey.
Little girl: Then why doesn't it look like this in Chicago?
--Petoskey, Michigan
Shark: Don't Flatter Yourselves, Boys
Little brother: Aren't you glad we watched Shark Week when we were in North Carolina and not like, last night?
Big brother (sarcastically): Yeah. Great. Because sharks never come here.
Little brother: Well, at least it's not Florida. Or South Africa.
--Avon, New Jersey
And It's Making Me Feel All Funny, Like When I Climb a Rope in Gym Class
Son (looking at man in Speedo): Mom! Look at that man! He's wearing a bikini without a top!
--Long Island, New York
George Patton Learns Why Children Make Bad Soldiers
Four-year-old boy, crouched behind a sand wall, yelling at friends running from waves: Hold your positions! I said, "Hold your positions!"
--Sandy Hook, New Jersey
Other Than That It Was Great
Granddaughter: Did you have fun in Hong Kong?
Grandma: Well, yes, there was a lot of Asian food.
Grandpa: And the people were all shorter than you!
Granddaughter: Really...
--Jetty Road, Glenelg, Australia
But My Heart Remains Open, Dear Friend
Nine-year-old boy #1 (yelling): My penis! My penis just closed!
(pause)
Nine-year-old boy #2 (yelling): Cool!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Chandler Smith
Um, That's Driftwood
Mother to toddler in wetsuit: Look! There's a naked baby! Do you wanna be naked and play with the naked baby? Let's go meet the naked baby.
--Lake Beach, Maine
So You Can Write It on Their Underwear, Which You Hang on Your "Wall Of Victory"
Seven-year-old: Dude, your sister needs hotter friends.
Friend: Well, there's the blond one.
Seven-year-old: What's her name?
Friend: I forget.
Seven-year-old: Dude! If they're hot, you remember their names!
--Ocean Beach, New Jersey
Superhero Steely Dan Had a Modest Jamaican Boyhood
Boy: Mom! I want a wooden penis!
Mom: You have one already.
Boy: Then I want a metal penis!
Dad: Actually, that might come in handy.
--Dolphin Cove, Jamaica
Overheard by: bea arthur
And I Just Saw What I've Been Wearing All These Years
Little boy's brother: Why are you screaming?
Little boy: Because I'm Hillary Clinton!
--Drift Inn Beach, Port Clyde, Maine
Overheard by: Sara
Mr. Britannica Grew Weary Of the Expectations the World Placed on Him
Little boy: Why is that woman walking faster than us?
Grandfather (frustrated): I have no explanation for this!
--Sauble Beach, Canadia
Overheard by: Totally walking faster than them
Translation: Don't Be a Pussy
Mother to crying three-year-old: Billy, you need to work on your emotional fragility. Take a deep cleansing breath. You know, you are a sensitive and caring boy, and that's a strength. But right now it's a weakness and you need to stop it.
--Delaware
Ooo-- Are You Filled with Candy?
Fat half-naked lady, walking up to a random lady and her kid: I'm about to burst!
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: would not like to be there when it happens
Instead of Setting Daddy on Fire, Like Usual
Four-year-old girl: Daddy! Why did you knock over my sandcastle?!
Dad: Because you knocked over my sandcastle first.
(dad coolly turns to two-year-old son and begins playing with him)
Four-year-old girl, in hysterics: Daddy! I'm so angry at you!
Mom: Good honey, you're expressing your feelings really well.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
That's a Goldfish Cracker, Sweetie
Delighted five-year-old: Mommy! Mommy! A fish!
Mom: What is it?
Delighted five-year-old: A fish! In the water!
Mom: Oh, you see a fish? Is he swimmin'?
Delighted five-year-old: No! He's dead!
--Clove Lake Park, Staten Island
We're a Low-Humidity Race, My Friend
Kid #1: Hey -how you gonna go in the water, come back and be dry already?
Kid #2: Cause I'm black.
Kid #1: [Pause.] Hey, shut up.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Emily
How They Make the World's Most Expensive Coffee
Young boy: Look dad, somebody dropped some peanuts.
Male surfer: Sir, I wouldn't eat them, I think they came out of someone's rear end.
Young boy: So these are ass nuts? Awesome!
--Florence, Oregon
Overheard by: Johm
You Know You're Black, Right?
Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.
--Waikiki, Hawaii
If Anything Comes Off, Just Put It Back
Man with small child on his shoulders, rubbing his bald head: Rub harder! Make a wish!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Arlene M Franks
Joey Proceeded to Spank Himself for Disobeying
Hyper seven-year-old: Sit!
Frazzled mother: Who are you talking to?
Hyper seven-year-old, matter-of-factly: Myself.
--Taco Bell, Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kiwi
Dude, I Think She's Advertising!
Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.
--Padre Island, Texas
All Up in Your Hoo-Hoo Zone
Seven-year old boy: Those boys over there are looking at you.
Bronzed teen sister in bikini: Oh really? [Looks pleased.]
Seven-year old boy: Yeah. I guess it's cause you have that weird sunburn.
--Liberia, Costa Rica
How the Hell Would I Know That?
Five-year old boy whining to dad: Let's go boogie-board.
Dad: No! You know my nipples get raw if I go without a shirt on...
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Lilian
What, You've Never Done Dumbell Curls?
10-year-old girl: My virgin arms! My virgin arms!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Confused
At 40, after Three Failed In-Vitros, Kassidy Was to Remember This Conversation
Little girl: Are you a mom? You look like a mom.
College student: No. How old do you think I am?
Little girl: Fifteen?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
Downtown from the South Bronx
Chick: So, you live in the city? Wow, where do you live, downtown?
Thug kid: Yeah, downtown... Well, not exactly downtown. Harlem.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: alison
What You Get for Eating Cafeteria Food
Five-year-old pulling her bottom lip down: I have herpes!
--Seabrook Beach, New Hampshire
Sniffling, Leroy Cut the Cards
Seven-year-old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It's time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear -- I'm starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].
--21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland
I Married Your Mother for Her Grand Tetons
Little boy, somewhat sheepishly: Dad, are you fascinated by rocks?
Dad, sincerely enthusiastic: I love rocks!
--Venice Beach, California
Like You Hate the Mailman When Daddy's Away?
Kid: Mom, how come the birds are wrestling each other?
Mom: They hate each other, that's why.
--Children's Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know why the caged bird sings
Now in My Dotage, I Find Myself Embittered and Alone
12-year-old boy chasing group of younger kids: Damn punk kids! Damn disrespectful punk kids! When I was young, I had respect for my elders!
--Cottesloe Beach, Perth, Western Australia
We Can Always Use Extra Syringes around the House
Little girl: Mommy! I caught a wave!
Mother: Did you catch any trash?
--Brighton Beach, New York
She's at the Great Beach in the Sky, Sweetie
Foreign single father: So, are you guys having fun at the beach?
Son: Actually, yeah -- it's fun.
Foreign single father: Next time, have positive attitude from the start.
Son: No, that was 'cause before when you said, 'Let's go to the beach,' I thought we were gonna visit Mom.
--Lake Erie, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: native english speaker
Go with the Penis! The Penis!
Boy to girl, behind trees: I'm running out of things to put in there!
--St. George Island, Florida
Overheard by: Shocked and disturbed
Guess You Take after Your Mother
Little boy: Guess what?
Man: What?
Little boy: On the count of three, I'm going to turn into a dinosaur.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ever
Unless You've Got Weed
Four-year-old to 12-year-old: You come over here every single day. No one likes you. Go back to your own camp.
--Lake Champlain, New York
Pay No Attention to the MSG behind the Curtain
Mother: Honey, do you want some cheddar cheese Pringles?
Kid: Sure.
Mother: See, they have zero grams trans fat. That's really important now.
--Bradley Beach, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
God: Let Me Check My List....
Jehovah's witness kid #1: Asshole!
Jehovah's witness kid #2: Geez, Justin! We just read the frickin' Bible! Stop talking like that!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: collin
Take That, Feudalism!
Four-year-old girl squatting over sand castle: Look, Mommy, I'm peeing! Look, Mommy, it's a toilet!
--Isle of Palms, South Carolina
What Happens When You Have Aunts Who Haven't Seen You in a While
Little boy with ice cream: They gonna manhandle me!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Audrey
Another Great Time-Killer? "Pregnant or Fat?"
Daughter: Sorry I'm late.
Mom: That's okay. We were playing 'Tourist or not?' with the passersby. Look -- those two -- obviously tourists.
Daughter: Oh, kinda like when I play 'Jew or not?' when I get bored.
--Ipanema, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Overheard by: Jew tourist
Like, Where Do Tornados Go on Spring Break?
Kid: If a tornado comes, will our beach be destroyed?
Mom: No. Tornadoes don't come to the beach.
Kid: Why not? We're better than Kansas, and that place got leveled!
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Just Pretend You're Asleep in Bed, Honey
Small boy running back from the ocean: Mom! I have to pee!
Mom: Just go in the ocean.
Boy: I tried, but the waves kept pushing my pants back up!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
A Few Drinks Will Change Her Mind
Little boy with faux tattoo heading to wading pool: Hey, let's all get in the pool and get naked!
Little girl: With you? Ewww!
--Sea Colony, Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: RexGee
We Should Have Brought at Least Three Rolls of TP!
Small boy to friend while riding their bikes: So, are you on your second pair of underwear yet?
--Pinery Provincial Park, Grand Bend, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: debbie
Then What'll We Use to Sand the Boat?
Mom: Honey, what are you doing?
Daughter: Going under the umbrella, because I don't want my butt to get parched.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kara
He Finds You
Kid #1: Mama, have you seen the bad guy?
Mom: Not today.
Kid #1: Is he here?
Mom: I don't think so, no.
Kid #2: Where is he?
Mom: Well, if you don't look for him, you're not gonna find him!
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Jessica B.
A Very "Special" School
Dad: It's all about the Benjamins?
Son: Who's Benjamin?
Dad: He's the president on the hundred dollar bill. He was the third president of the United States. You'd know that if you were in private school like I was.
--Zuma Beach, Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
You're Kind of Creeping Me Out
Mom telling young son to hold her hand: I just love you so much I can't let go.
Little boy: You don't have to love me that much.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: local onlooker
You Always Remember Your Slow Summer Friends
Kid in wave pool, to friend: No, you gotta jump up into the waves. Jump! Jump! No, jump up, not down!
--Splish Splash, Long Island, New York
Grandma's Are Normally Constrained by Twin Haversacks
Teen girl: He saw some girl's boobs.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Were they as big as Grandma's?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: hc
Not Until I Can Get Your Rubber Gloves Out of the Diaper Bag
Little boy: Daddy, look what I found in the sand!
Father: Don't touch it. I don't know what it is, but don't touch it.
--Jungle Gym, Coney Island Beach, New York
And Nine Months Later, Hand Towels!
Eight-year-old boy: ... So I whipped out my peanut and had sex with the sheets...
--Near the Steeplechase, Coney Island Beach, New York
Overheard by: beach soccer bum
Every Four-Year-Old Knows a Teenager Like This
Four-year-old camper: Do you got a car?
14-year-old counselor: Uh, I can't drive.
Four-year-old camper: So does your mom bring you here?!
14-year-old counselor: Yeah. I mean, I live in El Cerrito.
Four-year-old camper: But does that mean you live with your mom or something? Aren't you in college?!
14-year-old counselor: Well, the truth is my license was revoked after I ran over those aliens. The FBI was angry because they needed to talk to them about the plans for the United States embassy on Mars, but it has to be kept hush-hush since the North Koreans may be on to them.
Four-year-old camper: Ohhh...
--California
I Miss My Gills, Though
Four-year-old girl: Hey, remember when I used to be afraid of air?
--West River, Brattleboro, Vermont
Is She Full of Antioxidants?
Little boy pointing to black woman: Look, Mom! It's a chocolate lady!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Jane
Just Say Galileo Was a Test-Tube Baby
Boy: Dad, who's more intelligent? The father or the son?
Dad: The father, of course.
Boy: Who invented the telescope?
Dad: Galileo Galilei.
Boy: Why didn't his father?
--Boracay, Philippines
Overheard by: jkcalma
Wanna Buy a Bloody Knife?
Little boy: My daddy isn't here.
Girl #1: He isn't here? Where is he?
Little boy: In the garbage.
Girl #2: Why is he in the garbage?
Little boy: He is in the garbage.
Girl #1: Why?
Little boy: Because he doesn't like my Skechers.
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: megan
And That's All I Know
Little boy from Georgia: My mom says y'all are Yankees.
Little boy from Connecticut: Uh-uh, not me. I'm a Red Sox.
--Pawley's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Big girl from Connecticut
Then They Either Starve to Death, or Develop a Taste for Human Flesh
Brooklyn kid pointing to training buoys: What are those big red things floating out there?
Lifeguard: Oh, that's our shark fence.
Brooklyn kid: What?!
Lifeguard: Yeah, that's our electric shark fence. It keeps the sharks out. Unless they were already in when we put it up -- then they are stuck inside.
--New Jersey
Nudists Have Ways of Recognizing Each Other
Little boy: Dad, why does that girl have her swim suit straps down like that?
Dad: So she doesn't get tan lines on her shoulders. Yup, if your mom had those I never would've married her.
--Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Mindygotback
I'll Lend You My Scissors
Little girl: Do a lot of guys try to kiss you at college?
College chick: Ummm... I'm pretty, but that doesn't mean guys just suddenly try and kiss me.
Little girl: What do you do when they do?
College chick: I think I would slap them.
Little girl: What if he's naked?
College chick: What, so a naked guy comes up to me and tries to kiss me?
Little girl: What if he gets naked for you?
College chick: How old are you, again?
Little girl: What if he's naked and there's sex?
College chick: [Long pause] Uhhh... Do you mean rape?
Little girl: What if he's like, um, naked and there's sex?
College chick: ... What the...?!
--Coronado Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: chippy
And in the Slums They Call Them 'Lunch'
Little boy: Dad, what kind of birds are these?
Dad: Those are pigeons, but at the seaside they will call them 'seagulls'!
--Ostseebad Damp, Germany
Overheard by: Pascal
Sir, I'm Going to Need to Wand You
Boy #1: Yeah, it was cool, but that bouncer searched me like crazy. He was patting my thighs and stuff. Security is crazy at that place, huh?
Boy #2: What security?
Boy #3: What bouncer?
Boy #1: You know, that big, fat guy near the entrance.
Boy #2: There was no security dude.
Boy #1: ... Then who the hell was that guy?!
Boys #2 and #3 laugh hysterically.
--Venice Beach, California
Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?
Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It's a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that's Grandpa.
--Caloundra, Australia
Nevermind. How Do You Keep a Turkey in Suspense?
Boy: Hey, Dad, are monkeys fast?
Dad: I guess compared to humans, yes.
Boy: Are cheetahs fast?
Dad: Yes, they are the fastest.
Boy: Are lions fast?
Dad: Yes, very.
Boy: Are bamboozles fast?
Dad: What?
--Trunk Bay, St. John, US Virgin Islands
Overheard by: Sonia
And It's Not Polite to Refer to American Children As 'Shit'
Tween girls: Mami, Mami, we saw shit floating in the water!
Mother: God, the sea is so big, just play somewhere else.
--Ibiza, Spain
Overheard by: thorsten
And Often... and Daily... and at All Hours. Wait....
Dad to buddy's tween daughter: Susie*, can you get me another beer from the cooler?
Susie: Wow, Jerry, you're an alcoholic.
Dad's own tween daughter: My dad is not an alcoholic, he just drinks fast!
--Long Island, New York
There Are No Poisonous Cows, Mom
Little boy pointing to portabella mushroom: Mommy, what's that?
Tired mother: It's a mushroom. Someday I'm going to make you a hamburger for dinner, but instead of meat, it's going to have one of those mushrooms in it.
Little boy looking back at mushroom, terrified: Why would you do that?!
--Beachside Produce Plus, Melbourne Beach, Florida
And Not the Exciting Kind
Little girl: What does that sign mean?
Father: That means 'Pedestrians,' sweetie.
Little girl: Are we pedestrians?
Father: Yes, we are.
Little girl: Oh... I thought we were Catholics.
--Beach near Amsterdam, North Holland, Netherlands
Overheard by: Daan
Your Father Couldn't Find My Bottom with Both Hands
Little boy to mom: Don't touch me! Only Daddy can touch me. [Mom picks boy up.] I'm going to make Daddy spank you right on your bottom!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Time to Go Back in the Water, Sweetie
Little girl: Guess what Daddy told me, Mommy!
Mother: What's that?
Little girl: When you sweat, it's like your skin is peeing all over you!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandy
And Me with Only Two Hands
Small boy gazing in awe: All the tooshie...
--Caroline Bay, Timaru, New Zealand
Overheard by: [LadyFlash]
Aren't You Guys a Little Young for a Suicide Pact?
Kid #1: Wanna make a sand castle?
Kid #2: I don't like you.
Kid #1: Wanna go swimming?
Kid #2: I don't like you.
Kid #1: Wanna go eat ice cream?
Kid #2: Wanna go die?
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Mandy
It's Mostly a Pro Forma Request
Mom: Are you ready to go?
Little girl: No!
Mom: Okay, let's go!
--Sarasota, Florida
Overheard by: wondering why she bothered to ask
Don't Forget to Ask Dad If He Wants a Turn Riding It
Little girl #1: Britney*, what are you doing?
Little girl #2: Building sand boobies.
Little girl #1: You know, you can turn the boobies into testicles and we can make a giant sand penis.
Little girl #2: Okay, cool.
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
If the Potential Margin of Error Is More Than 20 Lbs, She Isn't Cute
Carnie kid: Yo, my friend over there thinks you're cute.
Girl: Uh... okay.
Carnie kid: He wants to guess your weight.
--Coney Island, New York
Overheard by: carnie lover
Seventeen is Impressive, Yet Believable. 20 is Just Silly
Boy #1: Are you gonna use your real age or your fake age?
Boy #2: I'm gonna say I'm 20.
Boy #1: Fuck that! I'm saying 17.
Boy #3: I'm so wasted I can hardly ride my bike.
--Foster Avenue Beach, Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Beach Comber
She Needs to Go to a PFLAG Meeting
Mom hands little boy a hot dog.
Little boy: Oh, thank you, Lord!
Mother: I am not the Lord!
Little Boy: Well, thanks, Mom.
Mother: I hate you.
--North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Sitting nearby, LOLing.
That's When Atlantic City Empties Its Septic Tanks
Little girl: Mom, the water is cold.
Mom: Well, honey, it's only August. When we come back in September, the water will be much much warmer.
--Ocean City, New Jersey
Can I Play with Them?
Young boy, to buxom woman: Are those balls in your bathing suit?
--Reservoir, Arlington, Massachusetts
Overheard by: TC Ledger
Right Next to the Vagel and Cream Cheese
Little girl: Mommy! Mommy! I can see...
MILF, rummaging in beach bag: Calm down, sweetie. Take a deep breath and tell me exactly what you see.
Little girl: I can see... your... bagina.
--Penscola Beach, Florida
What Happens Underwater Stays Underwater
Little girl, no longer waist-deep in ocean: Mommy, smell my finger.
--Daytona Beach, Florida
In the Same Way That Televangelists Heal
Little boy: Mom, Jewish people are from the desert, right?
Mom: Yeah.
Little boy: So why are they in Miami?
Mom: The beach is like a desert -- with water, though.
Little boy: Oh. What about black people?
Mom: Sweetie, they're just tan. They're all just tan. Now go play. [pause] It's like I'm healing the world.
--Miami, Florida
I Hoped Your Father Would Tell You About This
Child: Mommy, do the fish come from the ocean or the country club?
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Poseidon Kicked His Ass at Grand Theft Auto
Little boy, standing in water: I CHALLENGE YOU, POSEIDON!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
It's Not the Content But the Style That Suggests This Kid Has a Future in Musical Theater
Small boy, carrying bag: Fudge! The wonderful joy of fudge!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Mob Enforcers Start Training Early
Little boy: Mom, who can I bury in the sand?
Mom: Bury yuh fathuh. Start wit' his mouth.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Of Course, I Can Go Swimming Only Under Very Special Circumstances, So It's a Tradeoff
Kid: Yo, that chair's sweet! How come you get to sit in that big chair? I wanna get one of them.
Lifeguard: Sorry. I just got here really early this morning before all these good chairs were taken.
--Riis Park, Rockaway, New York
And Ladies Refer to It as 'Down Under'
Girl: Mummy, do you have a hairy pee?
Mummy: Make sure you never ask that again, especially when we have guests over for dinner.
--Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia
Overheard by: ohgodhaha
David Lynch's Dune: The Director's Cut
Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don't want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?
--Biloxi, Mississippi
Overheard by: Lori Lou Who
Mommy Told Her All about the Postman When She was Seven
Guy #1: Nice tie.
Guy #2: Yeah, I got it from a relative.
Little girl: No, you didn't, Daddy. You got it from me.
--White Rock Beach, British Columbia, Canadia
Overheard by: Dan-Mission, B.C.
Actually, There Is a Penis at Home - It's That Thing I Told You Never to Talk to Mommy About
Small girl: I want to see a penis.
Father: What?
Small girl: Mommy said we go to the beach to see lots of penises because there are none at home.
--Nauset Beach, Eastham, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Total Observer
You Put that Soul Back Where You Got It, Young Man!
Little boy #1: You can't do it.
Little boy #2: Yes, I can.
Little boy #1: Fine! Steal my soul.
Little boy #2: Don't underestimate my powers.
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
Nine Months of Hell at Least Earns You Exclusive Kicking Rights
Little girl: Who would kick someone else's kid?!
--The Grotto, Tobermory, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: Lorraine
This Must Be Some New Sausage-Eating Technique I'm Unaware Of
Son: These are pretty good.
Dad: Yeah, they're not bad if you soak them in your mouth like sausage.
--Nauset Light Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Rebecca Anna Smith
Both... Neither... Whatever Turns You on, Kid
Little boy: Was that lady a 'he' or a 'she'?
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
Your Grandfather and I Turned Out Okay
Grandmother: So you're not in a fight anymore?
Little boy, hugging little girl: We're gettting married!
Grandmother: But you're cousins.
Little boy: No, I mean when we're older.
Grandmother: But you'll still be...Never mind.
--Ortley Beach, New Jersey
Want Some Pot?
Camp counselor: Hurry up, or you'll be left behind!
Kid: Then I'd get to stay here. Awesome!
Camp counselor: Frankly, it's my last day, so I really don't care.
--Third Beach, Newport, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Bored Beyond the Beach
Because It Likes Bananas?
Little girl: No, no, no. Mommy calls her vagina a monkey.
--St George Island, Florida
Overheard by: say what?
The Age of Consent For Assault and Battery
Little boy: That's a man's weak spot!
Father: I don't care how old he is. If I were you, even if he were 18, I'd punch him!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: em-elia
A Cool Guy Would Play with His Daughter
Little girl: Daddy! Guess what I am supposed to be!
Dad: You are a crab.
Little girl: Right! Okay, Daddy, now it's your turn.
Dad sits there, talking to his wife.
Little girl: Daddy! You are supposed to be something!
Dad: I am. I am being a cool guy.
--Horseshoe Bay Ferry Terminal, Vancouver, Canadia
Yes, Honey, I Think She's the One Who Gave Them to Your Father
Little girl: Mommy! What is that?
Mother: Careful, honey, that's a crab.
Little girl: Is that the same thing you said Aunt Kathy had last year?
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: Biel
Navy Secretary Winter wasn't 100 Percent Sure, Either
Little girl: The Navy's the one with the boats, right?
Mom: I think so. Let's ask that guy over there.
--Naval Academy, Annapolis, Maryland
MTV: It's Not Everybody's Cup of Teabag
Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They're in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!
Father: Seven, and already MTV has ruined her.
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Book Reading Beach Bum
Either Way, That Benicio Del Toro Can Act!
Child: Does that man have an accent?
Mother: He might just be retarded.
--Hampton Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Rex
If You Turn Out to Be Gay
Little boy: I can't believe we went under. I still have that taste in my mouth!
Dad: Get used to it. You'll be tasting that your whole life.
--Horseneck Beach, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Kp & Cd
Gacy, Manson, the BTK Guy...
6-year-old day camper #1: My favorite is the leopard shark. Is it your favorite, too?
6-year-old day camper #2: Nah, my favorite animals are monsters.
--Birch Aquarium, Scripps Oceanography Institute, La Jolla, California
Overheard by: orly
Anywhere But South Beach, Honey
Kid: Mom, where are we going?
Mom: Just walk straight!
Kid: Where's straight?!
--Robert Moses Beach, New York
Overheard by: Gwast
From Cool Uncle to Creepy Uncle in Three Gimlets
Young boy: Your uncle peed on Mikey last night!
--Santa Monica Pier, Santa Monica, California
Mom: This Can of Refuse is Called 'Pizza,' Billy. It's a Special Treat!
Little boy: I like pizza!
Older guy: Me too.
Little boy: I eat pizza in a garbage pail!
--Sun & Surf Beach Club, Atlantic Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kristen
She's Already Fast-Forwarded the Kid Through Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and God
Young Boy: Mommy Mommy, they have Nemo in that fish tank!
Mom: Honey, Nemo's dead.
--Antigua, the Caribbean
Overheard by: Ollie
They Licensed Santa's Technology
Father: No, you can't go in there. There's a bar, and it's over 21.
Little boy standing in front of café stares at father.
Father: Quick, get away from the door before you set off the alarm!
--Duck, Outer Banks, North Carolina
After Arriving at the Beach on Her Half-Shell, Venus Spent Considerable Time Studying Her Reflection
Little girl to her mother: I spy something pretty!
Teenage girl, looking the mirror: It's me.
--Public restroom, Atlantic Beach, North Carolina
Someone Has Spit Out Their Gum Right Here in the Middle of This Drawing of a Penis!
Little boy, pointing to large drawing of a penis in the sand: Oh my God, that is disgusting. Dad, look, it's disgusting!! Dad, do you know what it is?
Dad: Yes.
Mom walks over.
Mom: What is it?
--Popham Beach, Maine
Overheard by: Fitzy
I Guess Snowballing Is Technically Kissing
Little girl: Do you have a boyfriend?
Older girl: Not right now.
Little girl: Do you kiss guys on the lips?
Older girl: Well...
Little girl: Do you kiss your dad on the lips?
Older girl: Not that I can remember, no.
Little girl: You don't kiss your dad on the lips? I kissed mine on the lips this morning!
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
Oh, Honey, Don't Cry. They Only Eat the Dead Ones.
Little girl: Lifeguard! Lifeguard! What do crabs eat?
Lifeguard: Little girls.
--Riis Park, New York
Britney and K-Fed's Baby Takes to the Water
Little boy, floating on his back: Look at me! I'm the slowest boat in life!
--Valley Falls, Vernon, Connecticut
Overheard by: your parents must be so proud
And Her Dad's Probably One of the Seagulls
White trash 7 year old, chasing seagulls: Varmits! Get away, you varmits!
Man: Does she mean varmints?
Woman: She's from Indiana. That 10 year old next to her who is throwing the shovel at the seagulls is probably her mother.
--Indiana Dunes National Park
When Daddy Did That to Mommy He Was Half-Kidding, Honey
Daughter, holding crab: Oh, daddy, it's so cute. Can I keep it?
Father: No, honey, it's too small.
Daughter: No, daddy, I want it for a pet.
Father: It has to live in the ocean, honey. We have to let it go.
Daughter: But, daddy, I love it. Can't I keep it?
Father: No, baby.
Daughter: Daddy?
Father: Yes, honey?
Daughter: Can I step on it?
--Goleta Beach, California