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We're a Low-Humidity Race, My Friend
Kid #1: Hey -how you gonna go in the water, come back and be dry already?
Kid #2: Cause I'm black.
Kid #1: [Pause.] Hey, shut up.
--Brighton Beach, New York
Overheard by: Emily
How They Make the World's Most Expensive Coffee
Young boy: Look dad, somebody dropped some peanuts.
Male surfer: Sir, I wouldn't eat them, I think they came out of someone's rear end.
Young boy: So these are ass nuts? Awesome!
--Florence, Oregon
Overheard by: Johm
You Know You're Black, Right?
Four-year-old girl, playing with bucket in sand: Come play with us!
Four-year-old boy, barely looking up from his inflatable mattress: No, I'm working on my tan.
--Waikiki, Hawaii
If Anything Comes Off, Just Put It Back
Man with small child on his shoulders, rubbing his bald head: Rub harder! Make a wish!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: Arlene M Franks
Joey Proceeded to Spank Himself for Disobeying
Hyper seven-year-old: Sit!
Frazzled mother: Who are you talking to?
Hyper seven-year-old, matter-of-factly: Myself.
--Taco Bell, Deerfield Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Kiwi
Dude, I Think She's Advertising!
Preteen boy #1, whispering to pal: Dude! Look at that girl lying over there. Her bikini's pulled up so tight it's up in her snatch.
Preteen boy #2, whispering back: Quiet... Damn!
Preteen boy #1: What's that sticking out?
Preteen boy #2: I think it's hair, dude.
Preteen boy #1: They got hair down there?
[they high-five each other]
Preteen boy #1: It's kind of gross and cool at the same time.
--Padre Island, Texas
All Up in Your Hoo-Hoo Zone
Seven-year old boy: Those boys over there are looking at you.
Bronzed teen sister in bikini: Oh really? [Looks pleased.]
Seven-year old boy: Yeah. I guess it's cause you have that weird sunburn.
--Liberia, Costa Rica
How the Hell Would I Know That?
Five-year old boy whining to dad: Let's go boogie-board.
Dad: No! You know my nipples get raw if I go without a shirt on...
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Lilian
What, You've Never Done Dumbell Curls?
10-year-old girl: My virgin arms! My virgin arms!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Confused
At 40, after Three Failed In-Vitros, Kassidy Was to Remember This Conversation
Little girl: Are you a mom? You look like a mom.
College student: No. How old do you think I am?
Little girl: Fifteen?
--Palm City, Florida
Overheard by: MBD
Downtown from the South Bronx
Chick: So, you live in the city? Wow, where do you live, downtown?
Thug kid: Yeah, downtown... Well, not exactly downtown. Harlem.
--Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: alison
What You Get for Eating Cafeteria Food
Five-year-old pulling her bottom lip down: I have herpes!
--Seabrook Beach, New Hampshire
Sniffling, Leroy Cut the Cards
Seven-year-old boy: Dad! Dad! Dad! It's time to go back to the room. I need to put on underwear -- I'm starting to chafe!
Dad: Good for you. Now go back out there and deal [continues smoking his cigar].
--21st Street Beach, Ocean City, Maryland
I Married Your Mother for Her Grand Tetons
Little boy, somewhat sheepishly: Dad, are you fascinated by rocks?
Dad, sincerely enthusiastic: I love rocks!
--Venice Beach, California
Like You Hate the Mailman When Daddy's Away?
Kid: Mom, how come the birds are wrestling each other?
Mom: They hate each other, that's why.
--Children's Beach, Nantucket, Massachusetts
Overheard by: I know why the caged bird sings
Now in My Dotage, I Find Myself Embittered and Alone
12-year-old boy chasing group of younger kids: Damn punk kids! Damn disrespectful punk kids! When I was young, I had respect for my elders!
--Cottesloe Beach, Perth, Western Australia
We Can Always Use Extra Syringes around the House
Little girl: Mommy! I caught a wave!
Mother: Did you catch any trash?
--Brighton Beach, New York
She's at the Great Beach in the Sky, Sweetie
Foreign single father: So, are you guys having fun at the beach?
Son: Actually, yeah -- it's fun.
Foreign single father: Next time, have positive attitude from the start.
Son: No, that was 'cause before when you said, 'Let's go to the beach,' I thought we were gonna visit Mom.
--Lake Erie, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: native english speaker
Go with the Penis! The Penis!
Boy to girl, behind trees: I'm running out of things to put in there!
--St. George Island, Florida
Overheard by: Shocked and disturbed
Guess You Take after Your Mother
Little boy: Guess what?
Man: What?
Little boy: On the count of three, I'm going to turn into a dinosaur.
--Rockaway Beach, New York
Overheard by: Ever
Unless You've Got Weed
Four-year-old to 12-year-old: You come over here every single day. No one likes you. Go back to your own camp.
--Lake Champlain, New York
Pay No Attention to the MSG behind the Curtain
Mother: Honey, do you want some cheddar cheese Pringles?
Kid: Sure.
Mother: See, they have zero grams trans fat. That's really important now.
--Bradley Beach, Jersey Shore, New Jersey
God: Let Me Check My List....
Jehovah's witness kid #1: Asshole!
Jehovah's witness kid #2: Geez, Justin! We just read the frickin' Bible! Stop talking like that!
--Santa Cruz, California
Overheard by: collin
Take That, Feudalism!
Four-year-old girl squatting over sand castle: Look, Mommy, I'm peeing! Look, Mommy, it's a toilet!
--Isle of Palms, South Carolina
What Happens When You Have Aunts Who Haven't Seen You in a While
Little boy with ice cream: They gonna manhandle me!
--Virginia Beach, Virginia
Overheard by: Audrey
Another Great Time-Killer? "Pregnant or Fat?"
Daughter: Sorry I'm late.
Mom: That's okay. We were playing 'Tourist or not?' with the passersby. Look -- those two -- obviously tourists.
Daughter: Oh, kinda like when I play 'Jew or not?' when I get bored.
--Ipanema, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Overheard by: Jew tourist
Like, Where Do Tornados Go on Spring Break?
Kid: If a tornado comes, will our beach be destroyed?
Mom: No. Tornadoes don't come to the beach.
Kid: Why not? We're better than Kansas, and that place got leveled!
--Jacksonville Beach, Florida
Just Pretend You're Asleep in Bed, Honey
Small boy running back from the ocean: Mom! I have to pee!
Mom: Just go in the ocean.
Boy: I tried, but the waves kept pushing my pants back up!
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
A Few Drinks Will Change Her Mind
Little boy with faux tattoo heading to wading pool: Hey, let's all get in the pool and get naked!
Little girl: With you? Ewww!
--Sea Colony, Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: RexGee
We Should Have Brought at Least Three Rolls of TP!
Small boy to friend while riding their bikes: So, are you on your second pair of underwear yet?
--Pinery Provincial Park, Grand Bend, Ontario, Canadia
Overheard by: debbie
Then What'll We Use to Sand the Boat?
Mom: Honey, what are you doing?
Daughter: Going under the umbrella, because I don't want my butt to get parched.
--Jones Beach, New York
Overheard by: Kara
He Finds You
Kid #1: Mama, have you seen the bad guy?
Mom: Not today.
Kid #1: Is he here?
Mom: I don't think so, no.
Kid #2: Where is he?
Mom: Well, if you don't look for him, you're not gonna find him!
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: Jessica B.
A Very "Special" School
Dad: It's all about the Benjamins?
Son: Who's Benjamin?
Dad: He's the president on the hundred dollar bill. He was the third president of the United States. You'd know that if you were in private school like I was.
--Zuma Beach, Malibu, California
Overheard by: Danielle
You're Kind of Creeping Me Out
Mom telling young son to hold her hand: I just love you so much I can't let go.
Little boy: You don't have to love me that much.
--Bethany Beach, Delaware
Overheard by: local onlooker
You Always Remember Your Slow Summer Friends
Kid in wave pool, to friend: No, you gotta jump up into the waves. Jump! Jump! No, jump up, not down!
--Splish Splash, Long Island, New York
Grandma's Are Normally Constrained by Twin Haversacks
Teen girl: He saw some girl's boobs.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Did you see some girl's boobs?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
Father: Were they as big as Grandma's?
Toddler boy: Nooo.
--Point Pleasant, New Jersey
Overheard by: hc
Not Until I Can Get Your Rubber Gloves Out of the Diaper Bag
Little boy: Daddy, look what I found in the sand!
Father: Don't touch it. I don't know what it is, but don't touch it.
--Jungle Gym, Coney Island Beach, New York
And Nine Months Later, Hand Towels!
Eight-year-old boy: ... So I whipped out my peanut and had sex with the sheets...
--Near the Steeplechase, Coney Island Beach, New York
Overheard by: beach soccer bum
Every Four-Year-Old Knows a Teenager Like This
Four-year-old camper: Do you got a car?
14-year-old counselor: Uh, I can't drive.
Four-year-old camper: So does your mom bring you here?!
14-year-old counselor: Yeah. I mean, I live in El Cerrito.
Four-year-old camper: But does that mean you live with your mom or something? Aren't you in college?!
14-year-old counselor: Well, the truth is my license was revoked after I ran over those aliens. The FBI was angry because they needed to talk to them about the plans for the United States embassy on Mars, but it has to be kept hush-hush since the North Koreans may be on to them.
Four-year-old camper: Ohhh...
--California
I Miss My Gills, Though
Four-year-old girl: Hey, remember when I used to be afraid of air?
--West River, Brattleboro, Vermont
Is She Full of Antioxidants?
Little boy pointing to black woman: Look, Mom! It's a chocolate lady!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: Jane
Just Say Galileo Was a Test-Tube Baby
Boy: Dad, who's more intelligent? The father or the son?
Dad: The father, of course.
Boy: Who invented the telescope?
Dad: Galileo Galilei.
Boy: Why didn't his father?
--Boracay, Philippines
Overheard by: jkcalma
Wanna Buy a Bloody Knife?
Little boy: My daddy isn't here.
Girl #1: He isn't here? Where is he?
Little boy: In the garbage.
Girl #2: Why is he in the garbage?
Little boy: He is in the garbage.
Girl #1: Why?
Little boy: Because he doesn't like my Skechers.
--Cocoa Beach, Florida
Overheard by: megan
And That's All I Know
Little boy from Georgia: My mom says y'all are Yankees.
Little boy from Connecticut: Uh-uh, not me. I'm a Red Sox.
--Pawley's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Big girl from Connecticut
Then They Either Starve to Death, or Develop a Taste for Human Flesh
Brooklyn kid pointing to training buoys: What are those big red things floating out there?
Lifeguard: Oh, that's our shark fence.
Brooklyn kid: What?!
Lifeguard: Yeah, that's our electric shark fence. It keeps the sharks out. Unless they were already in when we put it up -- then they are stuck inside.
--New Jersey
Nudists Have Ways of Recognizing Each Other
Little boy: Dad, why does that girl have her swim suit straps down like that?
Dad: So she doesn't get tan lines on her shoulders. Yup, if your mom had those I never would've married her.
--Maui, Hawaii
Overheard by: Mindygotback
I'll Lend You My Scissors
Little girl: Do a lot of guys try to kiss you at college?
College chick: Ummm... I'm pretty, but that doesn't mean guys just suddenly try and kiss me.
Little girl: What do you do when they do?
College chick: I think I would slap them.
Little girl: What if he's naked?
College chick: What, so a naked guy comes up to me and tries to kiss me?
Little girl: What if he gets naked for you?
College chick: How old are you, again?
Little girl: What if he's naked and there's sex?
College chick: [Long pause] Uhhh... Do you mean rape?
Little girl: What if he's like, um, naked and there's sex?
College chick: ... What the...?!
--Coronado Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: chippy
And in the Slums They Call Them 'Lunch'
Little boy: Dad, what kind of birds are these?
Dad: Those are pigeons, but at the seaside they will call them 'seagulls'!
--Ostseebad Damp, Germany
Overheard by: Pascal
Sir, I'm Going to Need to Wand You
Boy #1: Yeah, it was cool, but that bouncer searched me like crazy. He was patting my thighs and stuff. Security is crazy at that place, huh?
Boy #2: What security?
Boy #3: What bouncer?
Boy #1: You know, that big, fat guy near the entrance.
Boy #2: There was no security dude.
Boy #1: ... Then who the hell was that guy?!
Boys #2 and #3 laugh hysterically.
--Venice Beach, California
Get the Chum Bucket, Will You?
Little girl: Mummy, mummy, look! It's a shark!
Mum: No, sweetie, that's Grandpa.
--Caloundra, Australia
Nevermind. How Do You Keep a Turkey in Suspense?
Boy: Hey, Dad, are monkeys fast?
Dad: I guess compared to humans, yes.
Boy: Are cheetahs fast?
Dad: Yes, they are the fastest.
Boy: Are lions fast?
Dad: Yes, very.
Boy: Are bamboozles fast?
Dad: What?
--Trunk Bay, St. John, US Virgin Islands
Overheard by: Sonia