Get the 10 best quotesby e-mail weekly!
Should've used a condom All Categories > People > Kids > Should've used a condom
Recent | Best Of
Nothing Worse Than a Black Forest Caca
Kid, skateboarding in parking lot next door: I think those gummy worms gave me diarrhea.
--Huntington Beach, California
Overheard by: Jen
Everybody from New Jersey Takes English As a Second Language
Five-year-old urchin: Look how much birds there is.
New York yuppie #1: Um...
New York yuppie #2: Yeah, I hard it too.
--Mini Golf Course, North Wildwod, New Jersey
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
It's French for "Goes Directly to Your Thighs"
Upset teenage daughter to mother: Mom, I can't have sugar! (pause) What is "creme brulee," anyways?
--Huntington Beach, California
Oh, Like You've Never Been Caught Playing with Your Wand?
Magician to seven-year-old boy: Get your hands out of your pockets! God sees everything!
--Carnival Valor, Caribbean Sea
Mr. and Mrs. Lecter Rarely Refused Hannibal Anything
Four-year-old boy, winding up long conversation: And so that's why spiders live in your eyeballs. They play in the blood and love to drink dirty water. (pause) Can I have a snack?
--Santa Barbara, California
...According to That Al Gore Documentary.
10-year-old boy to younger brother: All mother nature gave you is a bag of shit.
--North Padre, Texas
Like They Do with Our Astroturf Lawn
Chubby eight-year-old boy, walking and kicking sand up with his feet: Woah! Ma! Look at this! They've even got real sand here!
Exasperated mom, clutching French fries: No shit! It's real sand! Buying fake sand would be dumb. Everyone would steal it.
--The Bahamas
Overheard by: Fake sand maker
Just Breathe a Little Water and We're Good
Man: Come back in the water with me.
Boy: No. You tried to drown me! You almost killed me!
Man: Well. You shouldn't have kicked me.
Boy: Kickin' someone in the ding-dong ain't gonna kill them.
Man: It might.
--Destin, Florida
Is That a Challenge?
Little girl, very afraid of the toilet: No!
Girl's frustrated mother: Go to the bathroom. It's not going to hurt you. I promise!
Girl: No!
Mother: Please! I'll be standing right here. Nothing will happen.
Girl: No no no no no!
Mother: Goddammit, Kylie! You can't hold you poop in forever!
--Newport Beach, California
Overheard by: Millie
I Just Realized How Much I Miss The Golden Girls
Large mother to screaming child: Stop that screeching or I'll cut out your larynx!
Large mother to large sister: Where did she learn to screech like that?
Large sister: I don't know, ask the one in the wheelchair. (points to grandmother in wheelchair)
--Ocean City, Maryland
Where Did You Even Get a Bikini Top?
Woman with three-year-old boy: Dude, you are freaking mommy out!
--Beach 6, Presque Isle, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Kat
According to My Big Book Of Ways to Make Kids Cry
Little kid to mom, as storm is coming: If thunder claps while you're in the water, you're gonna die!
--Pawley's Island, South Carolina
Overheard by: Running for Cover
The Pool's on the Haitian Side Of the Border
Mom to screaming eight-year-old boy: I'm going to throw you in the pool if you don't behave.
Eight-year-old boy: Are you crazy? I'll get an ear infection!
--Resort Restaurant, Dominican Republic
Overheard by: Tanya from NY
We Were Told This Was a Nude Beach
Pissed off mom to crying sons: You're goddamned right, we're leaving and we're never coming back!
--Rye Beach, New Hampshire
Overheard by: Robin M. StPierre
It Isn't the Bronx, Sweetie.
Kayaking girl #1: Mom, where do we go?
Kayaking mom: Oh, why don't we go to the other side of the island?
Kayaking girl #2: No, we can't! I heard they had guns and spears over there--I don't wanna get shot!
--Sugarbay, St. Thomas, South Africa
Overheard by: yams
What Kind Of Example Are You Setting?
Angry father, trying to climb into boat with son: Turn off the fucking engine, man! I've got a fucking five-year-old here! Jesus, use your fucking head!
--The Hamptons, New York
New Yorkers Often Experience Culture Shock in New England
Four-year-old girl, dropping cracker on the floor: Oh, shit!
Mother: Um...no, honey. Not here.
--Steamship Authority Martha's Vineyard Ferry, Massachusetts
Let Me Guess-- You're Itching to Talk About It?
Little girl, running happily: Mom, dad!
Little boy: Guess what we caught!
Both, in perfect unison: Crabs!
--San Diego, California
Overheard by: the girl who received dirty looks from the parents for laughing
You Promised You'd Take Me to Harlem
Mother, holding one son in the ocean and calling another on shore: See? The water's fantastic. You have nothing to worry about.
Four-year-old son, crying: I don't want to die here!
--Palm Beach, Aruba
Abraham Lincoln Told Me, Last Night
Little boy: Mommy, do you know this?
Mom: What, honey?
Little boy: Do you know this?
Mom: What, honey? I know everything.
Little boy: You're crazy.
Mom: Yeah, I knew this.
--Provincetown, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Just waiting for a lobster roll
Sex Tourism's Most Popular Souvenir
Random guy to little boy: Hey, you have fun today?
Little boy: Yeah, sure, but I still haven't found those crabs.
--Hilo, Hawaii
Overheard by: Gwen
... And Because You Knocked Up Our Mom in the First Place
Mom (exasperatedly): Come on children, you guys going to give me heart failure!
Six-year-old: You going to give yourself heart failure, cause you wouldn't leave us alone.
--Bridgetown, Barbados
It Was a Question on My Preschool Entrance Exam
Five-year-old (yelling across beach: Mommy, if you pooped out a baby, would I faint?
--Ocean Beach III, New Jersey
How About "MC Hammer"?
Mom #1 (watching her boy): We originally chose the name Eric, but now I'm thinking we should just call him Rick.
Mom #2: But then he would be... Rick James?
Mom #1: Yes. I think it suits him better.
Little boy (running by): I'm Rick James, bitch!
Mom #1: Maybe we should just stay with Eric.
--Baker Beach, San Francisco
Would This Lecture Be More Effective If I Demonstrated with a Raw Egg?
Man: Remember to say no to crack, Joseph. Okay?
Little boy: Huh?
--Indiana Dunes State Park, Indiana
Overheard by: Breet
As Required by State Law
Four-year-old southerner: Dad! We should cut up a fish! We should cut up a fish and watch it bleed!
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
Overheard by: beach*blonde
This Is Why You Can't Bring Snips, Snails or Puppy Dog Tails on Planes Anymore
Little boy, wearing a towel as a cape: I'm six! And six-year-old boys are full of poison! I'm gonna bite you! Rawrrr!
--Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lisita
And I'm Just Itching to Talk about It
Four-year-old boy scampering on shore: She's got crabs! She's got crabs! She's got crabs!
Mom wading in water: Stop saying that!
Four-year-old boy: But you do... They're all over down there!
--Sharky's Beach, Port Charlotte, Florida
"Arf-Arf" Means "Give Me the Meat or Die!"
Six-year-old boy running with hot dog in hand, chased by leash-less Doberman Pinscher: Look, Dad!
Suddenly-observant father: No! Drop that meat!
Six-year-old boy, still running with hot dog in hand: But Dad, I'm learning to speak dog!
--Ocean Beach's Dog Beach, California
Overheard by: fishwhisperer
Where Do You Live, Again?
10-year-old boy: My mom is such a fucking slut.
--Malibu, California
Overheard by: nicole
That's Not in the Brochure
Gangsta teen wannabe: Damn, son, check that ho!
Little brother: Which one?
Gangsta teen wannabe: The one with the splat-tat and the muffin top.
Little brother: Daaamn!
Gangsta teen wannabe: Maybe she'll bend over and show some slut crack.
Mom, studying tourist info: What?
--Cannery Row, Monterey, California
Overheard by: gt6driver
Probably Has Something to Do with the Location of His Brain
Dad, about bald passerby: That guy is really bald!
Daughter: Dad, you have more hair on your butt than your head.
--Ocean City, Maryland
Overheard by: Ryan
NewsFlash: Toddler Gets Eyes Pecked Out. "Deserved It," Sources Say.
Three-year-old girl using towel as a cape and chasing seagull: I'm prettier than you! I'm prettier than you!
--Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Overheard by: you're very tan
I Don't Care What Anybody Says -- Paint Is a Food
Six-year-old boy: I had to take a second year of kindergarten.
Dad: Just like your old man.
--Point Lookout Beach, Long Island, New York
Overheard by: PrairieSquid
People Who Know This Always Get Stuck with Those Who Deny It
Whiny little boy: Mo-ooom, it's hot!
Mom: Stop that! Whining makes you hot.
--Isle of Palms, South Carolina
Overheard by: Laura and John
Well, We Don't Have Time for Both
Little boy: I'm hungry.
Mother: Okay, we will eat in a few minutes.
Little boy: I want to cut your arm off!
--Blue Water Beach, Cape Cod, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Lydia
Say, Did Your Parents Say Anything about When They'd Pay Me?
Babysitter: Hey, do you want to build a sandcastle?
Kid: Yeah! These [feet buried under sand] can be our slave cabins!
Babysitter: Uh, I think it's time we go swimming.
--Folly Beach, Charleston, South Carolina
The Exact Moment It All Stops Being about the Kids
Toddler grumpily trudging through the sand: Change my diaper!
--Island Park State Beach, New Jersey
She Told Me She Got That from a Rough-Trade Escort!
Kid #1: [Inaudible.]
Kid #2: That's the noise your mom made when I punched her in the eye with my dick.
--Beach restroom, Grand Haven, Michigan
A Portrait of the Coach As a Young Man
Eight-year-old boy to valet fetching a car outside a fancy restaurant: You run like an idiot!
Mom: Quiet, dear, he is just a car parking guy.
--Palm Beach, Florida
Overheard by: Ashley
A Nice One, for Daddy
Girl throwing rock over her head: Look, Mom! I'm going to build a jail!
--Mentor Headlands Beach, Mentor, Ohio
Overheard by: Pale Kid
It's Spelled 'Wilde,' but You've Got the General Idea
Four-year-old boy: Wild for penis! Wild for penis! Wild for penis!
--Long Island Beach Club, Long Island, New York
Leave Your Sister Alone, Honey -- She Had a Hard Night
12-year-old girl: Mom! She's throwing up pickles in the pool!
--Ixtapa, Mexico
10 Dollars Cancels Out a Lot of Strange
Mother: Danny, go ask those people for a lighter.
Son: Why, Mom?
Mother: So I can light my smoke, baby.
Son: I'm not your baby, and no! They are strange.
Mother: I'll give you ten bucks.
Son: Okay!
--Shark's Cove, Oahu, Hawaii
Overheard by: Hope
I'm Guessing The Sopranos
Little girl: I'm gonna... I'm gonna cut off your head with a knife!
Mother, shocked: Where did you hear that kind of language?!
Little girl: Ummm, I don't know...
Mother: You must have heard it somewhere!
Little girl: I made it up! ... Is pepperoni meat?
Mother: Yes.
--Oceanside, California
Overheard by: kafrin
How that Stinky Guy You Work with Got His Start
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands!
Dirty son: No!
Angry mother: Wash your damn hands, Justin!
Dirty son: [Sticks his hands in the clogged sink.]
Angry mother: Use the fucking soap. You just gave the dog his medicine in his butt.
Dirty son: No way, I already stuck my hands in my mouth.
--In-N-Out Burger, Long Beach, California
I'm Rethinking the Joint Custody Arrangement
Mother taking away son's boogie board: Enough, time to leave and go home.
Young son: You don't deserve a child!
--Sea Isle City, New Jersey
Overheard by: Gaby Young
He'll Go Far with Talent Like That
Little boy #1: It's my turn to use the boogie board! Mom said you have to share!
Little boy #2: Oh yeah? Well, too bad, 'cause I'm not gonna share!
Little boy #1: Oh yeah? Well, I just peed in your wetsuit!
--Long Beach, New York
Overheard by: RPLB 2000
And Beginning to Regret the Decision to Have Children Late in Life
Child: Mommy, how old are you?
Mother: I am forty.
Child: [counting on fingers] Jeez, Mommy, you're running out of numbers.
--Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
She Ain't a Lady Either
Woman on phone: It's been so long since I have gone out on a date, I think I've forgotten what it feels like to be a woman.
4-Year-Old son, indignantly: You ain't a woman! You're my mother!
--Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Catherine
What Do You Think I've Been Training Them For?
Passing local, to little boy feeding seagulls: Hey, you don't want to do that. They'll attack you.
Little boy: Okay. Thank you.
Local walks of earshot.
Little boy: What a bitch.
--St. Pete Beach, Florida
Overheard by: sara
A Dog Peed on Me When I was a Baby, and I Have Sworn Revenge
Cute toddler to friends: Whoever has a dog, raise your hand... so I can murder it!
--Belmar, New Jersey
Overheard by: Willy
You Win this Time, Mom
Young kid: Awww look, you were right. Now I don't get to punch you.
--Vero Beach, Florida
Payback's a Bitch
Saggy-drawered kid: That woman carrying shit on her head.
Mother: Boy, you ain't in Brooklyn anymore. This place different. And keep your voice down.
Saggy-drawered kid: Hell, she don't speak English. And what the hell computer boy gonna do, report me to the internet?
--Tela Beach, Honduras
Overheard by: Computer boy, I assume
KKK Just So Stories
Little surfer kid pointing to large black lady: Look, a whale turd.
--New Symrna, Florida
Oedipus: 2006
Mother: Will you please stop whining?
Small boy: Shut up, Mommy.
--Martell's Tiki Bar, Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey
Overheard by: Trystan
